Your search found 185 comics:19 JAN 1986 Script It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Description Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.
Appears In 20 JAN 1986 Script ... and with that report, we ... click beeeoooop click rats.
Description Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says "rats" when nothing happens.
Appears In 18 APR 1986 Script Here fish! They must know that one.
Description Calvin stands on a pier with a bucket in his hand. He calls "Here fish!" and holds the bucket out. Nothing happens. Calvin figures they must know that one.
Appears In 20 APR 1986 Script Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Description Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.
Appears In 22 MAY 1986 Script Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh that's just great. Here we've been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing.
Description Hobbes pokes his head into the tent and tells Calvin to grab the hot dogs. The troop's cooking dinner over the fire. Calvin walks back to the tent and complains that he's been carrying around a microwave for nothing.
Appears In 29 MAY 1986 Script Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dog's been chewing on you fella. Well, nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldn't help. C'mon.
Description Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.
Appears In 14 JUNE 1986 Script Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
Description Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.
Appears In 27 JUNE 1986 Script I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he has a helium balloon. Calvin is going to stand on a ladder and let the balloon take him up and away. Nothing happens. Hobbes suggests he jump off the ladder. Calvin does, and promptly plows his face into the ground. Hobbes notes the balloon has, however, flown into the sky. He says Calvin should have held on.
Appears In 04 JULY 1986 Script You know what I like about summer days? They're just made for doing things ... even if it's nothing. Especially if it's nothing.
Description Lying under a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin that what he likes most about summer days is that they're made for doing things. They continue to lie under the tree as Hobbes says even if it's nothing. Calvin adds that it's the case especially if it's nothing.
Appears In 20 JULY 1986 Script It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Description Calvin drinks a magic elixir and starts to grow. He gets bigger and bigger. The giant goes on a rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. There's panic in the streets, a town lies in ruins. Mom tells Calvin she will not buy him more toy cars, she saw him deliberately stomping on the ones he already has.
Appears In 03 AUG 1986 Script Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Description Calvin attacks Hobbes with a squirt gun. Hobbes strikes back by smacking Calvin with a water balloon. Calvin goes for supreme retaliation with the garden hose. He comments on how nothing can match the hose for water volume. He ponders whether Hobbes went so far as to...Hobbes comes around the corner of the fence dragging the swimming pool with him.
Appears In 15 SEPT 1986 Script Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh, come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.
Description Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun.
Appears In 31 DEC 1986 Script Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Description Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".
Appears In 22 MAR 1987 Script Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.
Appears In 13 MAY 1987 Script You made a mistake didn't you? No, I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing, I can't help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your head's gonna have "funny bumps" in a minute if you don't tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Why'd you say "oops"?! what'd you do now?! Nothing. Let's try parting your hair from ear to ear.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies "oops". Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said "oops". Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear.
Appears In 15 MAY 1987 Script Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Get away from me, you menace! If Mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? How's that? Sort of the "Lawrence of Arabia" look! Sort of the "Lobotomy Patient" look.
Description Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the "Lawrence of Arabia" look. Calvin thinks it gives him the "lobotomy patient" look.
Appears In 19 MAY 1987 Script Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.
Appears In 28 MAY 1987 Script I'm home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ...
Description Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says "Hello?". Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin.
Appears In 05 JULY 1987 Script The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh, no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when you're done, ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.
Description Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.
Appears In 27 JULY 1987 Script I can't believe how dull my life is. It's so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually, I'd like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when I'm not around?? Huh? Are you?!
Description As they ride down the hill in the wagon, Calvin can't believe how dull his life is. Nothing ever changes. As they fly into the air after the wagon crashes into the stream, Calvin says everybody but him gets to have an exciting life. Hobbes shakes water out of his ear and says he'd like a little less excitement in his. Calvin accuses Hobbes of doing fun things when he's not around.
Appears In 04 AUG 1987 Script What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.
Appears In 20 NOV 1987 Script Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn't respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn't work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin!
Description Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying "1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!" The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin.
Appears In 06 DEC 1987 Script First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? He's creating whole worlds over there! I'll be he grows up to be an architect.
Description Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.
Appears In 07 DEC 1987 Script What's for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can't we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ...
Description Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.
Appears In 27 JAN 1988 Script So what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! I'm not going to do this whole thing myself! You'd probably goof it all up if you did. Let's get started. Yes! Let's! I'll be the management, and you can be the labor. First, get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners?
Description Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.
Appears In 28 JAN 1988 Script What are you doing?! You're doodling! You're sitting here drawing martians when we're supposed to be researching! You haven't done anything yet! Don't you care?? What's the matter with you?! It's no use! We're going to flunk! I'll have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here, this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch, you can see him eat an astronaut!
Description Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out "Why me". Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages.
Appears In 04 MAR 1988 Script Kapwinggg! It's Calvin, the human light particle! In the blink of an eye, he's 165,000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope!
Description It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face.
Appears In 22 APR 1988 Script Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesn't look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I can't paint it like this. Look how good they did this. How'd they paint eyebrows on a pilot that's less than an inch tall?? I think that's a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand.
Description Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.
Appears In 23 APR 1988 Script I hate this model. Nothing fit right, the instructures were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I can't think of an afternoon I've enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course, with this for practice, I'll bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Let's get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings.
Description Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings.
Appears In 04 MAY 1988 Script Archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I don't think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow.
Description Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning.
Appears In 23 MAY 1988 Script Look at Dad, calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His "Dad radar" is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING, he just doesn't know WHAT. He can't nail me until he knows for sure. He'll just wait. I know him. He's going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later I'll crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ...
Description Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.
Appears In 27 JUNE 1988 Script There's nothing to DO here. That's sort of the point, don't you think? It's good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things, without DOING things. You're certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.
Description Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.
Appears In 14 JULY 1988 Script I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! I'll just point it at myself and transmogrify! I'm safe! ZAP
Description As Calvin gets closer to the ground, he has nothing to worry about. He had forgotten his transmogrifier gun. He just points it at himself, and he's safe. ZAP! Calvin turns into a floor safe and continues plummeting to the ground.
Appears In 16 JULY 1988 Script Calvin, I'd like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard, so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK, I'll pay you a dollar. A dollar? I won't do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute, you'll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... I'll take the dollar. Smart kid.
Description Dad wants Calvin to pick up the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so he can mow it. Calvin asks if Dad will pay him. Dad says he'll pay one dollar. Calvin is indignant. He says he won't do it for less than twenty-five. Dad reminds him in a minute, he'll do it for free because he told him to. Calvin says he'll take the dollar.
Appears In 12 AUG 1988 Script La da dee dee da I think I'll get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothing's wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Let's see, how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn.
Description Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".
Appears In 16 AUG 1988 Script Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing, Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss, when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is, Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen, and sure enough, he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens, Dad! Big, evil, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it, and made me swear not to tell!
Description Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.
Appears In 28 AUG 1988 Script Well, summer is almost over, it sure went quick, didn't it? Yep. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill. Hobbes says summer is almost over, and it went by quickly. Calvin says there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Appears In 11 SEPT 1988 Script So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub. OK, it's a deal. In fact, for another 25 cents, I'll take your Wednesday batch, too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum I'm washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now I'm washing my face! OK, you can come out now. That's long enough. Boy, that was easy. A few weeks of this and I'll be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. I'm not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! You're filty. Didn't you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. It's as good as spent.
Description Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates.
Appears In 18 SEPT 1988 Script Call it. Tails. OK, best two out of three. OOOMPH Let's change this to TOUCH football, OK?
Description Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football.
Appears In 23 SEPT 1988 Script Yep, Mars may be a little dull, but it's better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH We've got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget, natural beauty as far as the eye can see. That's not your candy bar wrapper over there, is it? It was just there a minute! I wasn't going to leave it.
Description As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if that's Calvin's candy wrapper on the ground. Calvin hastily says it was only there a minute, and he wasn't going to leave it.
Appears In 28 SEPT 1988 Script Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings. Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean, is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
Description Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained.
Appears In 13 OCT 1988 Script I think the worst of this is over, so just try to get some sleep. I'm going back to bed, but give me a call, if you feel sick again, OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way!
Description Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.
Appears In 17 OCT 1988 Script Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
Description Calvin slowly puts his shirt back on. The doctor tells Mom that Calvin just caught the bug that's going around. He tells her to keep an eye on Calvin and let him know if Calvin isn't feeling better soon. Calvin sleepily walks away. The doctor tells him he was a good patient today. He then tells Mom there's nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Mom says she'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
Appears In 23 DEC 1988 Script I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
Description Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.
Appears In 26 DEC 1988 Script There's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window, that is.
Description Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, "through a window, that is".
Appears In 28 DEC 1988 Script Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK.
Description Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.
Appears In 30 JAN 1989 Script Wow, you've made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. They're efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out, I'll watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasn't aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small, so they'll go faster.
Description Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.
Appears In 07 FEB 1989 Script Quick, Hobbes! We've got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means we're in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV, no horsing around, NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesn't even kiss us good nigh. Eww, gross. You WANT her to?!?
Description Calvin runs to his bedroom warning Hobbes that they have to hide since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes says they're usually in bed by 6:30. Calvin adds they get no TV, no horsing around. She walks in and sends them straight to bed. Hobbes complains she doesn't even give them a good night kiss. Calvin makes a face and asks if he would really want her to.
Appears In 05 MAR 1989 Script I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Description Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.
Appears In 22 MAR 1989 Script Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh, YOU'RE real pleasant this morning. What's the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer, OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well, who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
Description Susie says hi to Calvin. HMPH, he grumbles. Susie asks what's the matter. Calvin tells her to go step in front of a cement mixer. Susie calls Calvin a jerk. She tells him he can just stand there and be grumpy all by himself. Now Susie is frowning. Calvin gives a nasty smile and thinks nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
Appears In 19 MAY 1989 Script I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Description Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.
Appears In 31 MAY 1989 Script Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
Description Calvin opens the door, says he and Hobbes are home, and asks if he's got any clean clothes. He's just asking. He goes into the kitchen. He says he's going to make a few dozen sandwiches, because he's really hungry. He yells that there's no need for Mom to get up or look out the window. Mom comes in and asks what's wrong with him. He's startled, laughs, and asks why she is asking.
Appears In 13 JUNE 1989 Script Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose there's a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.
Description Calvin is looking at ants on the sidewalk. He tells Hobbes the ants run like mad, work all day, never stopping or resting. All that to make a hill of sand that could blow away at any time. All their work would be for nothing, yet they keep building. They never give up. Hobbes suggests there's a lesson in that. Calvin agrees. He thinks the ants are morons. He heads into the house to see what's on TV.
Appears In 15 JUNE 1989 Script Hi, Hobbes! Watcha doin'? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nope. I'll help. Please do.
Description Hobbes is lying against a tree. Calvin asks what he's doing. Hobbes replies "nothing". Calvin asks if he's doing nothing at all. Hobbes says no. Calvin says he'll help and lies down next to Hobbes.
Appears In 15 JULY 1989 Script I'm so smart it's almost scary. I guess I'm a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
Description Calvin says he's so smart, it's scary. He says he is a child progeny. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says most children are. Calvin wonders what he means, Hobbes says nothing. Calvin says people think it's fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes asks if Calvin's pants zipper shouldn't be in front.
Appears In 16 JULY 1989 Script FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
Description Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.
Appears In 23 AUG 1989 Script What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
Description Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years.
Appears In 27 AUG 1989 Script HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
Description Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.
Appears In 04 SEPT 1989 Script Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
Description Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.
Appears In 15 SEPT 1989 Script OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
Description Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.
Appears In 26 SEPT 1989 Script DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
Description The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.
Appears In 28 SEPT 1989 Script Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Description Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door.
Appears In 29 SEPT 1989 Script See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
Description Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.
Appears In 09 OCT 1989 Script Man, this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? It's impossible! ... Impossible?? Why, NOTHING'S impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum
Description Calvin is reading his homework. He says it's boring. He asks how he's ever going to read three whole pages by tomorrow. It's impossible. He hits his book and says nothing's impossible...for Stupendous Man. He runs out of the room.
Appears In 27 OCT 1989 Script I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!
Appears In 04 NOV 1989 Script Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats, and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! She's pretty perceptive. She didn't even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if you'll give me a hand here, it will stay that way.
Description Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report.
Appears In 14 NOV 1989 Script Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds.
Description Calvin is sitting on the ceiling. Nothing else fell up, just him. If he tries to jump to the floor, he lands back on the ceiling. His personal gravity must have reversed polarity. As he walks along the ceiling, he says you'd think this would be the type of thing they'd learn about in science class. But instead, they learn about cirrus clouds.
Appears In 15 NOV 1989 Script Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? There's not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible.
Description Calvin can't figure out how to get to the floor with his personal gravity polarity reversed. There's nothing on the ceiling he can climb to get there. He wonders how he'll do his homework if he's trapped on the ceiling. Calvin smiles.
Appears In 26 NOV 1989 Script Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food.
Description The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.
Appears In 16 DEC 1989 Script Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
Description Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.
Appears In 18 MAR 1990 Script It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Description Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks "people".
Appears In 25 MAR 1990 Script What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Description Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.
Appears In 29 MAR 1990 Script What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
Description In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.
Appears In 02 APR 1990 Script This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that if they get out of line once, Rosalyn will kill them. Then, when Mom and Dad return, they'll get killed again. Hobbes says that's that. Calvin refuses to admit defeat. He runs into the closet saying things look grim for them, but not for .....Stupendous Man! Champion of liberty, foe of tyranny. Hobbes tells Calvin he's going to get into bed now and avoid the rush.
Appears In 11 APR 1990 Script While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
Description Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.
Appears In 02 MAY 1990 Script Hey, look who made the out! It's CALVIN! Heck, it was nothing, guys. When you're in top physical condition like me, you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! It's a new inning! We're up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops, I dropped the catch. It doesn't count now, right? Get him off our team, Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please??
Description The batter notices Calvin was the one who caught it. Calvin walks up saying you can do that stuff when you're in top physical condition like he is. They explain to Calvin that it's a new inning, and his team is at bat. The batter complains Calvin got one of his own team out. He calls him a dweeb, a jerk, an idiot. Calvin tries to drop the ball then. His teammates want to coach to get him off the team. The batter wants to hit Calvin with the bat.
Appears In 14 JUNE 1990 Script Hello? Hi Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy, I don't think you've EVER invited me to... Calvin, what are you doing? Nothing, Mom. Go away. You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
Description Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.
Appears In 23 JUNE 1990 Script It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Description Dad says it's getting dark, and he calls Calvin inside. Calvin was catching fire flies, and he wants to stay out longer. Dad says first Calvin didn't want to go out, now he doesn't want to come in. Dad tells him that by not watching TV, he had more fun and will have memories of something real he did instead of something fake that he watched. In bed, Calvin says nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Appears In 29 JULY 1990 Script It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Description Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling.
Appears In 12 SEPT 1990 Script Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
Description Calvin is horrified that Mom is going to the parent-teacher conference. He figures he's as good as dead, and that Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about him. Hobbes asks about the horror stories. Calvin says it's all a question of perspective, but he thinks he should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. Hobbes asks what he's going to say when Mom gets back. Calvin says nothing. He pulls out a suitcase and tells Hobbes he's crazy if he thinks Calvin is even going to be there when she returns.
Appears In 31 OCT 1990 Script Take a look at this. Wouldn't you say this is a great drawing? I mean, can you BELIEVE my teacher didn't like it? She said it wasn't "serious"! By golly, if this isn't serious art, then nothing is! Who set Miss Wormwood up as an arbiter of aesthetics anyway? This is a beautiful work of power and depth! It's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship, right? See? YOU understood it!
Description Calvin shows Hobbes a picture and asks if he wouldn't say this was a great drawing. He says his teacher didn't like it. She said it wasn't "serious". Calvin wonders who made Miss Wormwood the arbiter of aesthetics. He claims the picture is a beautiful work of power and depth. Hobbes asks if it's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship. Calvin says see, Hobbes understands it.
Appears In 01 NOV 1990 Script On the one hand, it's a good sign for us artists that, in this age of visual bombardment from all media, a simple drawing can provoke and shock viewers. It confirms that images still have power. On the other hand, my teacher's reactionary grading shows that our society is culturally illiterate and that, many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. This drawing I did obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. My "C-" firmly establishes me on the cutting edge of the avante-garde. Don't you have to wear silly clothes then?
Description Calvin says on one hand, it's good to know images still have power in this age of visual bombardment from all media. But on the other hand, the teacher's grading shows our society is culturally illiterate and many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. Calvin's drawing obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. Calvin figures his "C-" firmly establishes him on the cutting edge of the avant-garde. Hobbes asks if he then has to wear silly clothes.
Appears In 11 DEC 1990 Script I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing his Christmas list. He asks if Hobbes wants him to add anything for him. Hobbes can't think of anything. Calvin is outraged. Hobbes tells him he has a good home and a best friend. He asks what more could a tiger want. Calvin says it must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
Appears In 24 DEC 1990 Script Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??
Description Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe.
Appears In 28 DEC 1990 Script Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort, I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! I'm outside my fort now!
Description Calvin shouts out that he's invincible behind the walls of his snow fort. He says no one dares to attack him. Everyone is too chicken. He ducks behind the wall. He waits. Nothing happens. He comes out and yells that he's outside his fort now.
Appears In 17 FEB 1991 Script Z
Description Riding on their toboggan, Calvin tells Hobbes he watched a nature program on TV last night. Then, he asked Dad if life was nothing more than trying to survive long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Hobbes asks what Dad said. Calvin replies Dad looked at him a minute, then said he didn't know about the rest of it, but thought the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. They slide along, then Calvin says he's noticed in those programs how young males often leave the herd at an early age. Hobbes replies that he thinks it's good that everyone becomes food.
Appears In 24 FEB 1991 Script Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, "I'm home." Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
Description Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
Appears In 04 MAR 1991 Script What's up today? Nothing so far. "So far"? Well, you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that.
Description Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies "Nothing so far". When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that.
Appears In 12 MAR 1991 Script Hey Dad, Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didn't have guns, people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him that's not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter, you chiseler.
Description Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.
Appears In 23 MAR 1991 Script Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!
Description Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him.
Appears In 07 APR 1991 Script This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order, dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On today's agenda, we'll make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously, this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK, first, girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second, they're good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee, slow down! Number three, girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four, they're good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous, sissy idea is THAT?! Well, it's true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! You're demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You can't supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know it's a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it, so don't try to deny it! ME?! That's a filthy lie! You'll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night, remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl, sort of... See? According to club rules, you should be excommunicated. OK, Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! We'll add an amendment saying smooching is optional, if it's your Mom. This is such a great club!
Description Prehistoric beasts look up. A tyrannosaurus roars. Calvin makes a terrible face, snorts and growls. His classmates all look at him. He says he's sorry. He had a little sinus congestion. He puts his face in his hands and sighs.
Appears In 19 MAY 1991 Script Z PSST! Hey kid, wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what you're up to! What's he doing? He's trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed, he'll grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! That's terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! I'll never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I can't get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure don't do very well.
Description
Appears In 09 JUNE 1991 Script FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldn't do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothing's happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIME'S UP! That proves it! There's no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??
Description
Appears In 16 JUNE 1991 Script Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.
Description
Appears In 23 JUNE 1991 Script The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, with noisy comotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn that you will soon be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job." That's my science fiction story. Think that's too far-fetched? Not enough, really.
Description
Appears In 13 SEPT 1991 Script I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
Description
Appears In 27 OCT 1991 Script This is my latest snow sculpture. Where? All of this! But you didn't do anything. Right. Art is dead! There's nothing left to say. Style is exhausted and content is pointless. Art has no purpose. All that's left is commodity marketing. Consequently, I'm signing this landscape, and you can own it for a million dollars. Sorry... it doesn't match my furniture. The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
Description
Appears In 03 NOV 1991 Script Some November this is. The leaves are down but there's now snow. Everything is just sitting around waiting for winter, but nothing is happening. C'mon, what's the big holdup?! Let's go, up there! Bring on the snow! Sighh No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe. Whatever happend to the work ethic?
Description
Appears In 15 JAN 1992 Script Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Description
Appears In 21 FEB 1992 Script I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Description Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Appears In 01 MAR 1992 Script It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Description Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
Appears In 02 MAR 1992 Script It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Description Calvin cheers because he's finally defeated Hobbes in checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion. He says he's the top of the heap. He looks at the checker board. He looks around and asks if this is all there is.
Appears In 10 APR 1992 Script I'm going on a bike ride. What's so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look, I didn't design this outfit! It's PRACTICAL! Hey Dad, how'd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time, I'll squirt them both with my water bottle.
Description Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle.
Appears In 03 MAY 1992 Script I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
Description Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude.
Appears In 11 MAY 1992 Script As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
Description Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice.
Appears In 24 MAY 1992 Script Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. There's nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents don't mind bad springs.
Description The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom.
Appears In 20 JUNE 1992 Script Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, "Do nothing." So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it!
Description Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it.
Appears In 25 JUNE 1992 Script See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
Description Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot.
Appears In 06 JULY 1992 Script Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
Description Calvin looks at a cloud. The cloud turns into him, sticking his tongue out. The cloud drifts off, and Calvin says there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
Appears In 26 JULY 1992 Script Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Description Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it.
Appears In 02 AUG 1992 Script Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
Description Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.
Appears In 05 AUG 1992 Script Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH!
Description Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin.
Appears In 11 AUG 1992 Script Hello, information? Yes, what exactly is the difference between a hotdog, a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK, FINE! Thanks for NOTHING, you fraud!! And I've heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon! You can't trust anyone.
Description Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone.
Appears In 24 AUG 1992 Script Ta da da daaaaa! I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! Kapwinnnggg! Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
Description Susie is playing as Calvin comes up, declaring himself Stupendous Man. He runs off. Susie says virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
Appears In 08 OCT 1992 Script Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right?
Description Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives.
Appears In 17 OCT 1992 Script MOM? MOM? I'm taking a bath, Calvin. Oh, OK, never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. It's ALWAYS something. So I've noticed.
Description Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands.
Appears In 18 OCT 1992 Script Look at that kid's snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it, "The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing". As he melts, this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability.
Description Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
Appears In 15 NOV 1992 Script AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no, it's fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes, Mom.
Description Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic.
Appears In 01 DEC 1992 Script For "Show and Tell" today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime.
Description Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.
Appears In 02 JAN 1993 Script I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!" That's a tough cry to rally around. So what?!
Description Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is "so what". Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around.
Appears In 07 JAN 1993 Script I'M HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! You're letting in cold air.
Description Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air.
Appears In 10 JAN 1993 Script I'M HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! That's what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera.
Description Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
Appears In 21 JAN 1993 Script Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood.
Description Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood.
Appears In 07 FEB 1993 Script Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...
Description Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food.
Appears In 21 FEB 1993 Script I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Description Calvin readies himself for a trip on the toboggan. He looks down for miles on the landscape below. Over he goes, coming down from mountainous heights. Calvin looks back when he's stopped to see the tiny hill he came down. He sighs.
Appears In 22 FEB 1993 Script What's in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. C'mon, tell me! Well, let's just say it's something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? We've got a history test, remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldn't you and the Principal BOTH like to know!
Description Susie asks Calvin what's in the bag. He won't tell. He says it might come in handy today. He reminds Susie they have a history test. Susie asks if it's a bomb. Calvin asks if she and the principal wouldn't like to know.
Appears In 12 MAR 1993 Script MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! What's wrong? What's the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is, it's all that's keeping me from strangling you right now. Mom's midnight assurances are never very reassuring.
Description At night, Calvin yells for Mom to come quick. When she gets to his room, he asks her if she thinks love is a biochemical reaction designed to make sure genes get passed on. Sleepily, she says whatever it is, it's keeping her from strangling him right now. After she leaves, Calvin says Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring.
Appears In 13 APR 1993 Script Oh good, a true or false test! At last, some clarity! Every sentence is either pure, sweet truth or a vile, contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between!
Description Calvin gets a true or false test. He's glad there is clarity. Each sentence is either the truth or a lie. He looks at the questions. He tosses a coin.
Appears In 15 MAY 1993 Script There's nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh.
Description Calvin complains there isn't anything good on television. Dad tells him to turn it off. Calvin asks if he should sit and stare at a blank screen all day. Dad kicks Calvin out of the house.
Appears In 23 MAY 1993 Script How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Description Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to "tie his shoe". He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it.
Appears In 02 JUNE 1993 Script The problem with people is they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters! I see why people don't like to look at the big picture. Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes people don't look at the big picture. He says everyone will die, the sun will explode, and they're all doomed. He says existence is temporary and nothing matters. Hobbes sees why people don't like to look at the big picture. Calvin says it puts a bad day in perspective.
Appears In 20 JUNE 1993 Script Oh Calvin, would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy, some vacation THIS summer is!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he loves summer. He has three months of nothing to do. As they climb a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin people say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Calvin resents that. Calvin says they work darn hard at this. In the tree, they have a bunch of water balloons. Below the tree is an "X" marked on the grass. There are signs nearby directing someone to stand there for a big surprise.
Appears In 23 JUNE 1993 Script I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didn't have any violence, explosive action, or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? It's hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he watched an old movie with Mom last night. There was nothing shocking about the movie at all. Hobbes asks if he liked the movie. Calvin can't say. Not having his emotions manipulated is a weird experience.
Appears In 11 JULY 1993 Script How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Description There are several pictures of Calvin and Hobbes floating in the air, dancing. Hopping down from a bed, he says there's nothing like a big bed for dancing. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad don't mind bad springs.
Appears In 25 AUG 1993 Script All right, here's a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! That's life!
Description Sitting at a box labeled "Life" and costing five cents, Susie gives Calvin the nickel and asks what she gets. Calvin says nothing. He just ripped her off. Susie is outraged. Calvin says "that's life". Off to the side of the crushed box, Susie pounds Calvin.
Appears In 27 AUG 1993 Script Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mail's here.
Description Calvin checks the mail. There's nothing for him, so he puts the letters back in the mailbox. He goes inside and tells Mom the mail's there.
Appears In 02 SEPT 1993 Script I know why Dad got me that bike! He's trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon I'll have my head through a tree trunk and he'll have some peace and quiet! I'M on to him! I suppose that's easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure, what if the house didn't sell?
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad got the bike to bump Calvin off. Calvin says Dad figures the bike will have Calvin's head through a tree trunk and he'll have peace and quiet. He says he's on to Dad. Hobbes supposes that's easier than sending Calvin to camp and moving. Calvin agrees. He asks what would happen if the house didn't sell.
Appears In 05 SEPT 1993 Script OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
Description The numeral '3' turns into a pterodactyl. It flies past a brontosaurus, whose neck forms the numeral '2'. Calvin sits at his school desk while the teacher asks what three plus two is.
Appears In 12 SEPT 1993 Script How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he tried to decide whether to cheat on his test or not. He wonders whether it's better to do the right thing and fail or the wrong thing and succeed. He argues that undeserved success gives no satisfaction, while well-deserved failure gives none either. Just because most everybody cheats doesn't justify his cheating. He wondered if he was trying to rationalize his unwillingness to accept the consequences of not studying. In the real world, people care about success, not principles. Hobbes asks what he decided. Calvin says nothing. He ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Hobbes says that acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Calvin says it seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Appears In 21 SEPT 1993 Script The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can't afford to take that risk. You're ignorant. But at least you act on it.
Description Calvin says the more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. When you are informed, you see complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Calvin tosses his book. He says as a man of action, he can't afford to take that risk. Hobbes says Calvin is ignorant, but at least he acts on it.
Appears In 05 DEC 1993 Script That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom.
Description Calvin looks at a snowman. It has a shovel in hand and is wearing a hat. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a pathetic cliche. He says the snowman says nothing about the human condition. He says the banality of the snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. He shows Hobbes the snowman he made. It's a horrible snowman with bulging eyes, an open mouth with tongue hanging out. Calvin says the snowman is "The torment of existence weighed against the horror of nonbeing". Hobbes comments that he admires Calvin's willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Hobbes walks away. Calvin stands there, then starts building a normal snowman.
Appears In 17 DEC 1993 Script No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Description Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy.
Appears In 22 DEC 1993 Script What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Description Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Appears In 23 DEC 1993 Script I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining!
Description Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them.
Appears In 27 JAN 1994 Script Test: 1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock? 1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
Description Calvin is taking a test. He answers a question, then adds that although he memorized a fact to pass a test question, he will forget it forever. He states they've taught him nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Calvin says they say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
Appears In 22 FEB 1994 Script How much is that tiger in the window? The one who does nothing but sleep? We'll spread him out flat in the rec room and have a new rug if he's cheap!
Description Hobbes is lying down. Calvin sings about the tiger in the window sleeping. He sings they'll spread him flat in the rec room and have a new rug. Calvin laughs and walks away. Hobbes tackles him.
Appears In 09 MAR 1994 Script I'm doomed! It's too late! Nothing can save me now! I'm going down in flames! AAAAAAA
Description Calvin says nothing can save him now. He jumps, burning, from the desk. He falls from high above the city.
Appears In 18 MAR 1994 Script Oh, I wish I'd done my math homework! Now the teacher's going to collect it and I'm as good as dead! Why did I do this to meyself?! I even had an extra day to get it done! Instead, I goofed off and now I'm going to pay for it! Boy, I've learned my lesson! This day has been nothing but dread, and I could've avoided it all! Here she comes! Goodbye, world! I'll collect your homework tomorrow, class. Susie, quick. Am I sitting in a beam of light? Looks more like a puddle of sweat. Why?
Description Calvin sits at his desk, wishing he had done his homework. He asks why he did this to himself. He had an extra day, and he still goofed off. He says he learned his lesson. Miss Wormwood comes into the room. The bell rings. Class is over. Miss Wormwood says she'll collect their homework tomorrow. Calvin asks Susie if he's sitting in a beam of light. She says it looks more like a puddle of sweat.
Appears In 27 MAR 1994 Script You know, Hobbes, some days even my luck rocketship underpants don't help. Well, you've done all you can do.
Description Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a planet, captured by a horrible yukbarf. The alien says to take Spiff to the dungeon. It looks like a living room. Spiff asks what kind of dungeon this is. He asks if they aren't going to torture him. The alien says yes. He asks Spiff to sit to discuss wholesome principles. Dad tells Calvin life is tough, and suffering builds character. He says virtue is its own reward, and nothing worth having ever comes easy. Calvin yells.
Appears In 14 APR 1994 Script What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
Description
Appears In 18 APR 1994 Script This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
Description
Appears In 27 APR 1994 Script While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
Description
Appears In 03 JUNE 1994 Script I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Description
Appears In 05 JUNE 1994 Script We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do. But suppose there IS no meaning! Suppose life is fundamentally absurd! Suppose there's no reason or truth, or rightness in anything! What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? I guess there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Or suppose EVERYTHING matters. Which would be worse??
Description
Appears In 15 JUNE 1994 Script Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
Description
Appears In 09 JULY 1994 Script It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Description
Appears In 07 AUG 1994 Script The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive, Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps there's a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! There's nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing, Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! What's down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! That's not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape, our hero mutters grimly.
Description
Appears In 17 AUG 1994 Script What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
Description
Appears In 21 AUG 1994 Script I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!
Description
Appears In 14 SEPT 1994 Script Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
Description
Appears In 02 OCT 1994 Script Doesn't it seem like everybody just shouts at each other nowadays? I think it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining and entertainment is marketable. Finding consensus and common ground is dull! Nobody wants to watch a civilized discussion that acknowledges ambiguity and complexity. We want to see fireworks! We want the sense of solidarity and identity that comes from having our interests narrowed and exploited by like-minded zealots! Talk show hosts, political candidates, news programs, special interest groups... they all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but we're all entertained. Hmm, you may be right. What a boring day THIS turned out to be.
Description
Appears In 18 OCT 1994 Script DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
Description
Appears In 20 OCT 1994 Script Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Description
Appears In 21 OCT 1994 Script See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
Description
Appears In 06 DEC 1994 Script I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
Description
Appears In 08 JAN 1995 Script It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Description Calvin is bored making a snowman. Hobbes says they've only been outside a few minutes. Calvin says it's taking too long. Hobbes says they have all day. Calvin says the sun's too bright and his gloves are getting wet. He says making a snowman is hard work. He asks Hobbes what happens if the snowman isn't very good. They'd be failures. He says even if it's good, it will melt in a few weeks. Instead of wasting his time, he's going inside to watch TV. He'll be in complete physical comfort while experiencing the activity of actors pretending to do things. Hobbes asks if it's too much trouble to turn on the TV. Calvin replies that's why they have a remote control. Hobbes says virtual reality is already here. Calvin can't believe the only way to get inside is to walk.
Appears In 12 JAN 1995 Script ... and so, with nothing left to life for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.
Description Calvin is leaning out the attic window with a little snowman. He is looking at the ground below, where dozens of snowmen stand. Calvin says that with nothing to live for, the snowman obeys the chanted command from the crowd below.
Appears In 04 FEB 1995 Script Dad says there's nothing cozier than a fire, but I dunno...
Description Dad is trying to light the fireplace. He gets angrier as he puts paper to help start the fire. Suddenly, there is a cloud around Dad, who is furious. Calvin runs off carrying a fire extinguisher. He indicates Dad says there is nothing cozier than a fire, but he doesn't know.
Appears In 11 FEB 1995 Script Hello? Is your mother there? Who's calling?? Is this about ME?! 'cause if it is, I didn't DO it! You got NOTHING on me, understand?! You can't prove ANYthing! I tell you I'm innocent! Just give up! You'll never get me! Oh, here Mom, it's for you. Hi, can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. It's cool.
Description Calvin answers the phone. Someone asks if his Mom is home. Calvin asks who's calling. He says if this call is about him, he didn't do it. They have nothing on him. They can't prove anything. He says they'll never get him. He hands the phone to Mom. She asks if she can call the person back. Calvin is standing near her saying it's okay to talk. He cleared it. It's cool.
Appears In 04 APR 1995 Script We don't value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING!
Description Calvin decries they don't value craftsmanship anymore. He says ruthless efficiency denies their own humanity. He says there's no pleasure in creating things, if there is no appreciation for grace and beauty. He asks how a person can take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he had two days to write that paper. He claims that's nothing.
Appears In 09 APR 1995 Script Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Description On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.
Appears In 09 JUNE 1995 Script Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time!
Description Calvin sees a bug walking. He tells the bug to stop deluding himself. Nothing he does is important. He notices what time it is and runs off.
Appears In 09 JULY 1995 Script It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Description Mom picks up the two tons of tenderloin from the butcher. She stands with a chainsaw in her hand, calling Calvin for lunch. A tyrannosaurus stands behind Mom saying he likes mustard, not mayonnaise. Mom says maybe he should fix his own triceratops sandwich.
Appears In 17 JULY 1995 Script Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's the one thing we know for sure in this world. But I'm still going to gripe about it.
Description Rolling down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's one thing they know for sure in this world. He continues saying he's still going to gripe about it.
Appears In 23 JULY 1995 Script Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Description Calvin slowly walks in the heat. He starts to melt. Finally, he is a puddle of water. The puddle evaporates in the heat. The evaporation creates a cloud that starts raining. Calvin is revitalized and runs off naked. Mom finds his clothes on the sidewalk and says "not again".
Appears In 25 JULY 1995 Script Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Why don't they see things of beauty and value? Because boring stuff doesn't sell. Such vision and integrity. There's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
Description Calvin says popular culture isn't responsible for selling twisted values. He says movies and television reflect the reality of their times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Hobbes asks why they don't see things of beauty and value. Calvin informs him that boring stuff doesn't sell. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that shows such vision and integrity. Calvin says that there's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
Appears In 30 JULY 1995 Script Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Description Going down the hill in the sled, Calvin says they all want to live meaningful lives. They look for meaning in everything they do. He asks Hobbes to suppose there is no meaning, that life is fundamentally absurd. He asks Hobbes to suppose there's no reason, truth, or rightness in anything. As they sail off the edge of the hill into the air, he asks Hobbes what if nothing really matters. Hobbes covers his eyes and says there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Tumbling through the air, Calvin ponders whether it would be worse if everything mattered.
Appears In 24 AUG 1995 Script Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive, they watch TV while they eat, they listen to music while they work... People never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well. You're breaking my concentration. WE focus on doing nothing at all!
Description Lying on a tree branch, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed how people try to do two things at once. They talk on the phone while they drive. They watch TV while they eat. They listen to music while they work. People don't focus on one thing to do it well or enjoy it. Hobbes tells him he's breaking his concentration. Calvin says they focus on doing nothing at all.
Appears In 29 AUG 1995 Script I'd build a raft for this pond, but I don't have a place to dock it. I've always said you're a friend without pier. Huh? Nothing. Mm. I guess you're under a lot of pier pressure. Is something wrong with you?!
Description Calvin says he'd build a raft for their pond, but he doesn't have a place to dock it. Hobbes says he's always said Calvin is a friend without pier. Calvin doesn't get it. Hobbes says Calvin's under a lot of pier pressure. Calvin asks if there is something wrong with Hobbes.
Appears In 15 OCT 1995 Script ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Description Hobbes loves the fall. He likes the cool days, the smell of leaves, the colors. Calvin says autumn is melancholy. Summer is over in a week or two, and things will hunker down for a long winter. Nothing lasts. He says fall is a last fling before things get worse. Hobbes asks if they' appreciate how precious things are if they lasted forever. Calvin likes to have everything so good, so he can take it all for granted.
Appears In 03 NOV 1995 Script Why isn't my life like this situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems? Why don't you know any gorgeous babes? I gotta get my life some writers.
Description Calvin asks why his life isn't like a situation comedy. He asks why he doesn't have friends who drop by and instigate wacky adventures. He asks why his conversations aren't peppered with spontaneous witticisms. Hobbes asks if he knows any gorgeous babes. Calvin says he needs to get his life some writers.
Appears In 04 NOV 1995 Script Know what's weird? Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different. You just go about your business and one day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not! Thank heaven for small favors. For example, I used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that day by day, nothing seems to happen. Pretty soon, though, things are different. One day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not. Hobbes says thank heaven for small favors. Calvin suspiciously looks at Hobbes and says he used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
Appears In 26 NOV 1995 Script I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes if it seems like everybody shouts at each other. He thinks it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining. Finding consensus is dull. People want fireworks. They want the sense of solidarity that comes from having interests narrowed by like-minded zealots. Talk show hosts, news programs, political candidates all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but everyone is entertained. Hobbes says he may be right. Calvin says this is turning out to be a boring day.
Appears In 03 DEC 1995 Script I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are looking for weirdness. Hobbes finds a rock with a purple stripe. Calvin finds a stick. It's strange, but not weird. There are no bugs out, so nothing there. Calvin finds a bird feather. Hobbes says it's pretty, but not weird. Calvin sees a ripped-up old kite stuck in a tree. Calvin was hoping to find the kid's skeleton at the end of the string. Hobbes thinks that would be weird. They decide to go inside. Hobbes says some days, weirdness is hard to find. Just then, Dad rides by on his bicycle. He's all bundled for the cold. Dad says his glasses are fogged, and he can't blow his nose, but his heart rate is the envy of men half his age. Calvin says weirdness always begins at home. Hobbes says even when you look for it, you're not prepared for it.
Appears In 29 DEC 1995 Script See my snowman? He's enjoying the snow cone! There's nothing he likes better! And the snowman with the ice cream scoop in his back? It's a sordid story.
Description Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman, enjoying a snow cone. Hobbes asks about the other snowman, lying on the ground, with an ice cream scoop stuck in his back with several scoops taken out. Calvin says it's a sordid story.
Appears In
Calvin & Hobbes : Copyright & All Rights Reserved by Bill Watterson and Andrews McMeel Universal
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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.