Your search found 280 comics:
03 DEC 1985
Script There's a new girl in our class. Well! What's her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No!
Description Hobbes asks Calvin about the new girl in school. Calvin doesn't know her name. Hobbes wonders if she's nice. Calvin doesn't care. Hobbes asks the big question of whether Calvin likes her, which gets an emphatic NO reply.
Appears In
09 DEC 1985
Script Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
Description Calvin is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth watching soap operas. He hears dialog about Mary's skimpy negligee, about the couple being married (but to other people), and a plan to murder their spouses. Calvin thinks he learns more when he stays home from school.
Appears In
16 DEC 1985
Script Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
Description Mom asks whether Calvin is bringing Hobbes to school again. She asks whether the kids make fun of him for doing that. Calvin replies that Tommy Chesnutt did, but no one did anymore. Mom asks what happened to Tommy. Calvin replies that Hobbes ate him. Hobbes comments that Tommy needed a bath.
Appears In
10 JAN 1986
Script What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
Description Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.
Appears In
12 JAN 1986
Script I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
Description Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.
Appears In
13 JAN 1986
Script Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
Description In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.
Appears In
23 JAN 1986
Script Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? I'm coming. See? I told you it wouldn't work! Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
Description Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.
Appears In
10 FEB 1986
Script Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.
Description Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.
Appears In
20 FEB 1986
Script Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
Description Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he's not paying attention again. Spaceman Spiff is trapped. He dives for the air lock. Miss Wormwood grabs his shirt as he's hanging out the school window. She tells him, "Nice try, Calvin".
Appears In
21 FEB 1986
Script I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
Description Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room.
Appears In
04 APR 1986
Script I don't think I'll go to school today. I think you will. I think I won't. Rats.
Description Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says "Rats".
Appears In
20 APR 1986
Script Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Description Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.
Appears In
22 APR 1986
Script Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that Tommy told a funny story at school. Hobbes wants to hear it. Hands on hips, Calvin admits the story itself wasn't very funny, but the way Tommy told it was. Tommy was drinking milk and when he laughed, it went up his nose.
Appears In
04 JUNE 1986
Script Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
Description Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.
Appears In
09 SEPT 1986
Script Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.
Appears In
16 SEPT 1986
Script I can't believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! I'll never be able to write that much! It's not fair!! How's it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV?
Description Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV.
Appears In
18 SEPT 1986
Script I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No, I don't think violence would be justified. Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did?
Description Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?
Appears In
23 SEPT 1986
Script Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.
Appears In
24 SEPT 1986
Script If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
Description Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.
Appears In
09 OCT 1986
Script Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Description Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".
Appears In
13 OCT 1986
Script Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes they are going to discuss current events at school. He tells Hobbes each student had to pick an article, read it to the class, then explain it. Hobbes asks which article he chose. Calvin tells him "Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone". Calvin comments that there's not much left to explain.
Appears In
18 OCT 1986
Script The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.
Appears In
27 OCT 1986
Script Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning I'll run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good, I go right into my pants while I'm putting on my shirt, and by the bottom, I'm all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too, I won't have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin.
Description Calvin shows Mom he put his clothing for tomorrow on the staircase. In the morning, he plans to run out in his underwear, slide down the stairs, and be fully dressed when he reaches the bottom. He tells Mom that if she puts his cereal on the stairs, he won't have to get up until 30 seconds till the bus comes.
Appears In
01 DEC 1986
Script Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
Description Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.
Appears In
10 DEC 1986
Script I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
Description Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.
Appears In
11 DEC 1986
Script I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
Description Calvin has a great idea for school. He takes a ping-pong ball and cuts it in half. He draws a dot on each end. He puts one over each eye so it looks like he's paying attention. He asks Hobbes if he makes him look too interested. Hobbes says no, because Calvin is looking in the wrong direction.
Appears In
12 JAN 1987
Script I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Goodness, why'd you do that? I dunno, I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.
Appears In
31 JAN 1987
Script Hey! It snowed last night! Oh, boy! Look at it all! They'll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately, that's a relative measure.
Description Calvin looks out the window and sees that it snowed. He's sure they'll have to close all the schools. He says the snow must be waist deep. As he stands waiting for the school bus, we see that it is waist high...his waist. Calvin says "Unfortunately, that's a relative measure".
Appears In
23 FEB 1987
Script Oh, Mom, I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin, I wish you'd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Here's the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! You're not going to school like that! Aw c'mon, Mom! It's class picture day!
Description Calvin is eating breakfast and tells Mom he needs Crisco for school. Mom hands him the Crisco and tells him he should remember these things the night before. Calvin puts a bunch in his hair. Mom can't believe he did that. She tells him he's not going to school like that. Calvin pleads with her. It's class picture day.
Appears In
24 FEB 1987
Script What with your hair? I told Mom I'm getting my school picture taken today, and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. That's true. You do. Well don't just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There, much better! What'd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee, I wish I had a mirror.
Description Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.
Appears In
28 FEB 1987
Script Look, Hobbes, I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Aren't they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah, see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mother's going to go into conniptions of course. Oh c'mon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring.
Description Calvin has his school pictures and shows them to Hobbes. Hobbes starts laughing at Calvin and his hair. He says the pictures are great. Calvin agrees. Hobbes rolls onto his back laughing and points out one picture with a funny expression. Calvin says he got one of his eyes to roll back on that one. As Hobbes wipes tears of laughter from his eyes, he points out that Mom is going to go into conniptions. Calvin says think of the memories the pictures will bring years from now.
Appears In
05 MAR 1987
Script Calvin, all we want is for you to study and do your best in school, education is very important. That's why this amnesia game has to stop. No more "forgetting" to do your homework. Ok? Ok, mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right, Dad. You got it.
Description Dad sits on the bed and tells Calvin that they just want him to study and do well in school. He tells Calvin education is very important. He tells him that's why the amnesia game has to stop. Calvin needs to stop "forgetting" to do his homework. Dad asks "OK?", Calvin replies "OK, mister". Dad leans forward and yells "OK?", Calvin replies "uh, Dad. Right, Dad. You got it".
Appears In
08 MAR 1987
Script I'M HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school, I though you might appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and I'll thank you.
Description Hobbes peeks out the window, sneaks behind a potted plant, hides under the chair, and finally races toward the door. Calvin comes in the door and is immediately pounced upon by Hobbes. As Hobbes sits on Calvin's back, he tells Calvin that after seven boring hours of school, he figured Calvin would appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Calvin wants Hobbes to let him get his bat to show his thanks.
Appears In
06 APR 1987
Script Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
Description Calvin is on the school swing. The bell rings, and recess is over. As he hops off the swing, his pants get caught. The back of his pants is all torn up. Calvin wonders why you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard.
Appears In
09 APR 1987
Script Please don't let the teacher call on me! Don't make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please don't embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy.
Description Calvin sits at his school desk, begging not to have to go in front of the class. He clasps his hands together praying that Miss Wormwood call on someone else. He begs for her not to embarrass him. Miss Wormwood calls on Calvin to go to the board. Calvin says so much for his ever joining the clergy.
Appears In
15 APR 1987
Script We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok, I guess. You guess? It's hard to say. She went home at noon.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he had a substitute teacher at school. Hobbes asks if he liked her, and Calvin says he guesses so. Hobbes wonders why he "guesses". Calvin says it's hard to tell, since she went home at noon.
Appears In
20 APR 1987
Script I've got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. We're supposed to research our subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. That's a big assignment. I'll say. I hate my teacher. She knows we'll all do it on the last evening, but she gave us three days to worry about it.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he needs to give a five minute oral report in school on Thursday. Calvin explains they're supposed to research the subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. Hobbes says that's a big assignment. Calvin says he hates his teacher. He says she knows they'll all do it the last night, but she gave them three days to worry about it.
Appears In
22 APR 1987
Script I've got to give my report on "The Brain" at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesn't that look like brains? Well, I guess I'm all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary. I'll do it on the bus.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.
Appears In
04 MAY 1987
Script We're supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! It's good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. Where's the Frisbee?
Description Calvin sits at his desk at home with a school book. Hobbes is looking at him. Calvin complains that he has to read the whole book by tomorrow. Calvin flips through all the pages of the book and declares it's good to get that out of the way. He hops down to look for his frisbee and go play. Hobbes says that reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.
Appears In
01 JUNE 1987
Script I couldn't read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
Description Calvin is lying in bed reading his school book. Suddenly, he floats into the air. Everything in his room is floating around. He tells his teacher he couldn't read his assignment because his parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
Appears In
20 JULY 1987
Script Aren't these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Don't you wish it could be like this all year, forever? No school. No job, no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it, why don't you!!
Description Calvin is telling Hobbes the long summer days are great. There are no responsibilities, and they have the whole day to themselves. He asks Hobbes if he wishes it could be like that all year, no school, no job, no anything. Hobbes looks at Calvin with a smile on his face. As Hobbes skips merrily away, Calvin yells to him "Just gloat about it, why don't you".
Appears In
28 JULY 1987
Script What's wrong, Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I don't feel good. Your forehead seems warm. We'd better take your temperature. I can't be sick now! It's still summer vacation! There's no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!
Description Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.
Appears In
04 AUG 1987
Script What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.
Appears In
01 SEPT 1987
Script Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well, I suppose if we went into the past, I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is, then! Right. Once I'm rich, I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests!
Description Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.
Appears In
11 OCT 1987
Script Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.
Description Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.
Appears In
13 OCT 1987
Script Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie.
Description During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies "Imadoofus". Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight.
Appears In
15 OCT 1987
Script Mom, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I don't think so, Calvin. It's a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she won't even let us go into the store. I think we'd learn a lot by watching that.
Description Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.
Appears In
20 OCT 1987
Script You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.
Description Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.
Appears In
21 OCT 1987
Script Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.
Appears In
22 OCT 1987
Script Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
Description Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.
Appears In
25 OCT 1987
Script I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isn't a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sunday's because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and school's just begun. Gee, I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air, the early evenings, the ... uh ... the ... yes, well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didn't mention fresh applesauce, fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?
Appears In
26 OCT 1987
Script Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this "skin." I heard it used to be made of intestine, but I think nowadays it's plastic. Of course, they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why I'm so hungry after school. Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies.
Description In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the "skin" off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school.
Appears In
07 NOV 1987
Script Oh boy, it's Saturday!! What's going on? Why aren't there any cartoons on TV? It's just a test pattern. The TV guide says they don't start until 6:30. Heck, that's 45 minutes form now! Well, c'mon. I'll race you up and down the stairs! Why can't he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs, will you honey?
Description Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.
Appears In
22 NOV 1987
Script If you don't hurry up, you'll miss the school bus. That's the best news I've heard today. Let's see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now, boys! Get 'im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok, boys, just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! I'm not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I don't want to hear about it.
Description Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.
Appears In
29 NOV 1987
Script Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.
Description Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal.
Appears In
29 DEC 1987
Script Look at this! You call this snow?! It's not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well, it's pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness.
Description Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments "Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness".
Appears In
04 JAN 1988
Script I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what I'd like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold.
Appears In
06 JAN 1988
Script Here's another math problem I can't figure out. What's 9 + 4? Ooh, that's a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know, eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and all those ... it's a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? You've never gone to school! Instinct, tigers are born with it.
Description Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it.
Appears In
08 JAN 1988
Script I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesn't watch TV at all while I'm at school. So if we get home at 3:00, I should be able to watch it straight 'till 10:30, right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?!
Description Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says "wrong". Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average.
Appears In
26 JAN 1988
Script Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
Description Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.
Appears In
19 FEB 1988
Script I've got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if I'm an owl?! Oh, no. I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my, what a wonderful day!
Description Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day".
Appears In
20 FEB 1988
Script Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok?
Description Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.
Appears In
20 MAR 1988
Script Uh oh, I'll bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know I'll sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! I'm home! I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Description Calvin comes home from school. He knows Hobbes is waiting to pounce on him when he opens the door. He decides to sneak around the back and surprise Hobbes. He enters the house and sees Hobbes waiting. Calvin comes up behind Hobbes and yells that he's home. Hobbes jumps up, startled, eyes bulging. Calvin walks off all scratched up saying he's got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Appears In
25 MAR 1988
Script I'm home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid.
Description Calvin steps off the school bus and comes into the house. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Out the door they fly. Calvin ends up on his back, with his feet up on a tree. Hobbes asks if he's glad to see him. Calvin replies he'd love to be a latchkey kid.
Appears In
14 APR 1988
Script If you want to stay Dad, you've got to polish your image. My image. Right, see, now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your mind's gone blank, I have some suggestions. Oh, the suspense. For example, you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory.
Description Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.
Appears In
18 APR 1988
Script Here I am, waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college, then maybe graduate school, and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. That's when I watch TV.
Description Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV.
Appears In
26 AUG 1988
Script OK, I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See, here it comes. Boy, that's a good one! Why can't my school portraits ever look like this?
Description Calvin feels one coming. He tells Hobbes to get ready. As he sneezes, Hobbes shoots the picture. Calvin asks if he got it. Hobbes shows him the picture. Calvin has his mouth open, sneezing. Calvin wonders why his school pictures can't look like that.
Appears In
05 SEPT 1988
Script All right, all right! I'm GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look, I'm going! I'm going! Sure, you think school's great NOW. But in a couple of hourse you'll MISS me! You'll see!
Description From inside the house, we hear "All right, I'm going". Then, "I can walk myself. OK, I'm going". Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him.
Appears In
06 SEPT 1988
Script There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well, he'll have fun once he gets there. See, he's even running now. He's all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE!
Description Mom looks out the window. She's in her robe, holding a cup of coffee. She is thinking that Calvin put up a fuss. She thinks he'll have fun as soon as he gets there. She sees Calvin running and thinks he's getting excited. Then she realizes, and she opens the door and yells. Calvin is running away from the bus stop. She yells for him to get back there.
Appears In
07 SEPT 1988
Script I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
Description Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
Appears In
08 OCT 1988
Script Election day is coming up, Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. I'm against them all. How's your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.
Description Calvin tells Dad Election Day is coming. People want to know where he stands on the issues. Dad asks which issues. Calvin informs him later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. Dad says he's against them all. Calvin asks if Dad's IRA is well-funded.
Appears In
15 OCT 1988
Script Feel any better this morning, Calvin? No. I guess I'd better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. It's Saturday, by the way. You won't miss school. I know.
Description The next morning, Mom asks Calvin if he feels better. With eyes nearly closed, he says no. She tells him she better make an appointment with the doctor. He says OK. Mom reminds him it's Saturday, so he won't miss school. He wearily says he knows. Now Mom knows it's for real. She runs to the telephone.
Appears In
18 OCT 1988
Script I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesn't bring ME tea in bed.
Description Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.
Appears In
19 OCT 1988
Script I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow you're going to school.
Description Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.
Appears In
21 OCT 1988
Script Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I don't even want to go? I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Description Calvin is standing at the bus stop in his rain coat. It's pouring rain. He asks why he's standing in the rain, waiting for a bus to take him to a place he doesn't want to go. The rain keeps falling. Calvin says he goes to school, but he never learns what he wants to know.
Appears In
22 OCT 1988
Script I hate school. Each day I count the hours until school's over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over, and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school?
Description Calvin tells Dad he hates school. He goes on to say he counts the hours until school's over, he counts the days until the weekend, he counts the weeks until the month is over, then counts the months until summer. He always has to postpone what he wants to do for what he has to do. Dad rolls his eyes and welcomes Calvin to the world. Calvin then asks if Dad will sign a parental excuse to get him out of the next 11 1/2 years of school.
Appears In
06 NOV 1988
Script Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1,500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon, the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise, his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvin's elementary school! ... sigh...
Description Calvin pilots his F-15. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile, the jet shrieks over the ground. The target comes into view, and Calvin fires. Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy. Mission accomplished! Calvin's school is reduced to a smoldering crater. Calvin gets off the school bus, heads toward the school, and sighs.
Appears In
09 NOV 1988
Script Boy, you're lucky YOU don't have to go to school like I do. You don't know what it's like to get up on these cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh, am I keeping you awake?! I'm SORRY!
Description Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.
Appears In
15 NOV 1988
Script Hey! What's this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See, there's rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didn't put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well, he's EATING it now, right? Gosh, wait 'til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner!
Description Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.
Appears In
22 NOV 1988
Script MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
Description Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.
Appears In
29 NOV 1988
Script I'M HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do, step on a land mine? When's Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about?
Description Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.
Appears In
01 DEC 1988
Script I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. C'mon, snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far.
Description Calvin is standing waiting for the bus. He looks up and says he wishes it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, wishing for snow. Something's coming down. Unfortunately for Calvin, it's rain. Calvin is now standing in the rain waiting for the bus. He says it was so close, yet so far.
Appears In
05 DEC 1988
Script Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet, our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down, Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO!
Description Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school.
Appears In
09 DEC 1988
Script It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Description Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.
Appears In
23 DEC 1988
Script I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
Description Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.
Appears In
28 DEC 1988
Script Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK.
Description Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.
Appears In
29 DEC 1988
Script Boy, did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I don't even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didn't want to talk about it.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it.
Appears In
16 JAN 1989
Script The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light, our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile.
Description Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet surface. An alien approaches. In the blinding light, Spiff can't tell whether the alien is friendly or hostile. Mom comes in to yell at Calvin who's still sitting on his bed. She tells him to get ready for school. Spiff, being carried off by the alien, says that it's definitely hostile.
Appears In
17 JAN 1989
Script The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff, captured by vicious zogwards, is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second, Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planet's low gravity, our hero is away like a shot. There's the bus... but why don't I see Calvin?
Description Calvin is tossed out the door. Mom tells him the bus will be by any minute. Get going! Spaceman Spiff, captured by the Zogwargs, is being transported to the labor camp. Our hero hatches a plan. He makes his break. Using the planet's weaker gravity, our hero is away like a shot. Mom looks out the window. She says she sees the bus, but why doesn't she see Calvin?
Appears In
19 JAN 1989
Script Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! It's your own grave you're digging, buster!
Description Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.
Appears In
20 JAN 1989
Script Young man, you are in VERY big trouble! Why didn't you get on the school bus?! Now I'VE got to drive you, and your Dad will be late for work. You've inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death, Zogwarg queen! Don't tempt me! And listen, you call me "Mom," ... got it?
Description Mom drags Calvin back telling him he's in big trouble. She asks why he didn't get on the bus. Now she has to take him to school, and Dad will be late to work. She tells Calvin he's inconvenienced everyone and asks if he has anything to say for himself. Calvin tells the Zogwarg Queen to give him liberty or give him death. Mom turns from the steering wheel with teeth clenched. She tells Calvin not to tempt her. She also tells him to call her Mom.
Appears In
21 JAN 1989
Script Hey, Calvin, how come you're late today? Why didn't you ride the bus? I was going to skip school, but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldn't believe it when she cleared the hedge.
Description Susie asks Calvin why he was late to school. Calvin tells her he was going to skip, but he got caught. When Susie asks how he got caught, Calvin tells her Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Susie asks if his Mom had to chase him. Calvin tells her he couldn't believe it when Mom cleared the hedge.
Appears In
23 JAN 1989
Script Yes, can I have the tool department, please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK, thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK, ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard.
Description Calvin is on the telephone asking for the tool department. He asks the price of circular saws, then electric drills. He asks how big a bit the drill will hold. Then Mom walks by. Calvin acts as if he's talking to Susie about a school assignment. After Mom passes, Calvin apologizes to the tool department and asks about acetylene torches. He tells them to ring it up. He has Dad's MasterCard in his hand.
Appears In
14 FEB 1989
Script You'd better not have really flushed any of my notes! I've got a big test tomorrow! Well then, with that at stake, our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You don't get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy, you'd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready, Cap'n!
Description Rosalyn grits her teeth and says Calvin had better not really have flushed her notes. She has a test tomorrow. Calvin says with that at stake, his demands should seem reasonable. Rosalyn says he doesn't get any demands. She wants him to open the door. As Calvin walks over to the toilet, he says a high school senior should catch on quicker. He says he should write the school board. Hobbes readies the "torpedo tube".
Appears In
04 MAR 1989
Script Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. I'm never going to make it six weeks,
Description Sitting in the school bus, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Sitting at his desk in school, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Getting off the school bus at the end of the day, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. He asks Mom if his beanie came in the mail. She tells him she just mailed the order that day. Calvin shuffles off saying he'll never make it six weeks.
Appears In
05 MAR 1989
Script I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Description Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.
Appears In
07 MAR 1989
Script How was school today? Oh, it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today?
Description Sitting at his desk at school, Calvin dreams of flying over the town in his beanie. He dreams of flying with the jet airliners. Mom asks him how school was. Calvin says it was a blast...did his beanie come today?
Appears In
12 MAR 1989
Script Tigers don't worry about much, do they? Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. I'm not having enough fun right now. You're not? I'm just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. It's Sunday. I've just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime, I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I don't want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say, "I'm having the time of my life right now!" But here I am and I'm NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever, even as we speak! We've got to have MORE fun! C'mon! I didn't realize fun was so much work. Sure! When you're SERIOUS about having fun, it's not much fun at all!
Description Calvin complains to Hobbes that he's only having a little fun, when he should be having a lot of fun. Since it's Sunday, he only has a precious few hours of freedom before he has to return to school. He has to squeeze all the possible fun out of the day. Valuable minutes are disappearing, as Calvin is not having the time of his life. He tells Hobbes they have to have more fun. Off they run. Hobbes says he didn't realize fun was so much work. Calvin says when you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all.
Appears In
19 MAR 1989
Script Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....
Description Calvin is sleepy and sighs at his school desk. Suddenly, the desk grows into a dinosaur. Calvin hops onto the dinosaur as it runs out of the school. Miss Wormwood smacks Calvin's desk with a stick, and he wakes up. Gradually, his eyes close again and he sighs. This time, he's flying on the back of a pterodactyl.
Appears In
20 MAR 1989
Script C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
Description Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.
Appears In
21 MAR 1989
Script I don't want to catch the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here at all. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
Description Calvin is grousing about not wanting to catch the bus or go to school. With a frown on his face, he says he's tired of everyone telling him what to do. He hates his life, he hates everything. He wishes he was dead. He thinks about it, then says not really. He says he wishes everyone else was dead.
Appears In
23 MAR 1989
Script What are you so mad about anyway? Couldn't you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey, where IS your insect collection? It's due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No, that's not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??
Description Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.
Appears In
27 MAR 1989
Script Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I can't believe you're doing this. Hey, ask that kid if he's got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin, there's no way you're going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well, maybe you're right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? I'll give you a quarter... or here, 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!
Description On the bus, Calvin is still looking for bugs. He checks the bus window. Susie can't believe he's doing this. He tells her to ask another kid if he has bugs in his window. Susie tells him there's no way he'll complete an insect collection on the way to school. She tells him to forget it. He agrees. Then, Calvin asks Susie how much she wants for her collection. He starts at a quarter, then raises it to thirty cents. Susie replies that she spent a month on it.
Appears In
16 APR 1989
Script I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
Description Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.
Appears In
06 MAY 1989
Script I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Description Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Appears In
07 MAY 1989
Script Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Description Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.
Appears In
18 AUG 1989
Script I've decided not to go to school this fall. I don't need an education. I don't need to learn things. I don't need to develop skills. It's too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you don't know anything and you don't have any skills?! I'll go on talk shows and hype myself.
Description Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.
Appears In
27 AUG 1989
Script HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
Description Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.
Appears In
05 SEPT 1989
Script Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
Description Susie asks Calvin if he's excited about going to school. Susie shows the new notebooks and school supplies she has. Calvin rants that they won't make him learn a foreign language. He says if English is good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Calvin folds his arms across his chest and says everyone should speak English or just shut up. Susie suggests he check the chemical content of his breakfast cereal. Calvin says they can make him go through grade eight, then he's outta here.
Appears In
08 SEPT 1989
Script What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
Description Calvin gets off the school bus saying "What a day". As he opens the door, Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that things are so darn quiet when he's not around. Calvin cocks his fist and says there's going to be some ruckus now.
Appears In
09 SEPT 1989
Script Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
Description Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.
Appears In
10 OCT 1989
Script YES! It's ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MAN's 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! It's TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision, the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning, the caped combatant conclused thatere's no need for homework, if there's no school tomorrow!
Description It's Stupendous Man, lover of liberty. He notices Calvin (his 6-yr-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read. It's tyranny! Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with his high-speed vision, he has a bolder plan. The caped combatant concludes there's no need for homework if there is no school tomorrow.
Appears In
12 OCT 1989
Script STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! How's your homework coming along, Calvin?
Description Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200 inch telescope lens. Aligning perfectly to the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy....and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map. Stupendous Man flies into the bedroom window saying Calvin has no need of ever doing homework again. Liberty prevails!
Appears In
14 OCT 1989
Script And why, may I ask, are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh, no reason. Um.. I was hot. You're SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I don't need to do it now, thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! I'm sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble.
Description Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back.
Appears In
15 OCT 1989
Script Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Description Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.
Appears In
18 OCT 1989
Script Calvin, your Mom and I looked over your report card, and we think you could be doing better. But I don't like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean, you've read every dinosaur book ever written, and you've learned a lot, right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why don't you like school? We don't read about dinosaurs.
Description Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs.
Appears In
27 OCT 1989
Script I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!
Appears In
28 OCT 1989
Script Hell, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah, my topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too, and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me, and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? How'd it go? I really loathe girls.
Description Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls.
Appears In
06 NOV 1989
Script Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
Description Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says "Oh gross".
Appears In
07 NOV 1989
Script Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
Description Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is.
Appears In
09 NOV 1989
Script What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
Description Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
Appears In
12 NOV 1989
Script Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!!
Description Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow.
Appears In
16 DEC 1989
Script Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
Description Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.
Appears In
22 JAN 1990
Script OK duplicates, listen up. As long as you're all here and I don't know how to get rid of you, we might as well cooperate. Specifically, with five duplicates, we can divide up the school week so there's one duplicate for each day. If the rest of us lay low, we can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser! Great! Now that still leaves us with the question of who gets the bed tonight. We'll fight you for it.
Description Calvin tells the duplicates that since he doesn't know how to get rid of them, they might as well cooperate. He says they can divide up the school week, since there are enough duplicates. There's one for each day. Calvin says if the rest of them lay low, they can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser. Calvin ends with the question of who will get the bed. The duplicates offer to fight him for it.
Appears In
23 JAN 1990
Script Hi Calvin. I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number two. What are you talking about? We drew straws, and today's my day to go to school. We're all taking turns so we each only go once a week. Calvin, you are so weird I'm not even going to talk to you. I'm not Calvin. I wish I lived some-place where I went to a normal bus stop. Are you in Calvin's class? Will you help me find his locker?
Description Susie says hi to Calvin. The reply is that he's duplicate number two. Susie asks what he's talking about. He explains that they drew straws, and it's his day to go to school. They're taking turns. Susie says Calvin's so weird, she isn't going to talk to him. He says he's not Calvin. Susie wishes she lived someplace where she went to a normal bus stop. He asks if she'll help him find Calvin's locker.
Appears In
24 JAN 1990
Script Calvin, would you please demonstrate the hoemwork problem you were assigned yesterday? I wasn't here yesterday. Yes, you were, Calvin. Didn't you do your problem? I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number five. Duplicate number TWO was here yesterday, not ME. We're all taking turns. Number two wil be back next week, and you can ask him to do the problem THEN. Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!
Description Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the homework problem that was assigned. Calvin says he wasn't there yesterday. Miss Wormwood says he was present. The explanation is that he is duplicate number five. Duplicate number two was at school yesterday. They are taking turns. Number two will be back next week, so she can ask him to do the problem then. In the principal's office, Calvin says he doesn't see what's so hard about this.
Appears In
25 JAN 1990
Script Guys? It's OK to come out! It's me, number four. I'm home. How was school today? Ahh, I got sent to the Principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Geez, you guys! Even I don't get sent to the principal every DAY! You're making me look bad! Look, Calvin, if you don't like our performance, you can go to school YOURSELF! Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions! I'm just saying there's room for improvement. Hey four, were you able to swipe any chalk? Yeah! The principal never frisked me!
Description Number four comes in the bedroom. He tells the others it's okay to come out. They ask how school went. He tells them he was sent to the principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Calvin says not even he got sent to the principal's office every day. He says they're making him look bad. One of the duplicates says that if Calvin doesn't like their performance, he can go to school himself. Calvin says they shouldn't jump to conclusions. All he's saying is there is room for improvement.
Appears In
26 FEB 1990
Script Why should I go to school?! Why can't I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why can't things be different? Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am, Mom's not very philosophical.
Description Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical.
Appears In
06 MAR 1990
Script This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this.
Appears In
26 MAR 1990
Script I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
Description Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home.
Appears In
27 MAR 1990
Script Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
Description Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.
Appears In
25 APR 1990
Script How's the nose? It finally stopped bleeding. I guess that means I have to go to school tomorrow. My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn the skills it takes to play a game I don't even want to play! Your nose is probably all clogged up now, huh? *snrkk* yeah, why? If you snore, I'm tilting the bed so you role out of the window. It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes his nose stopped bleeding, so he'll have to go to school tomorrow. Calvin says his life's a disaster. He says he gets hurt learning the skills to play a game he doesn't want to. Hobbes asks if Calvin's nose is clogged, and Calvin says yes. Hobbes says if Calvin snores, he's going to tilt the bed so Calvin rolls out the window. Calvin is glad he has a sympathetic friend to talk to.
Appears In
13 MAY 1990
Script Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Description Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.
Appears In
14 MAY 1990
Script I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it "effective time management", or "ETM" for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it "Effective Time Management", or "ETM" for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure.
Appears In
21 MAY 1990
Script On a distant planet Zark, we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero, the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead, the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large, sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin, this is humiliating!! I don't want to go! Put me down!
Description On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go.
Appears In
25 MAY 1990
Script Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!
Description Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught.
Appears In
26 MAY 1990
Script Boy, I sure got in big trouble TODAY! Mom hit the roof when she found out I just left school. What happened? She drove me back and we had to talk to my teacher AND the principal! They talked about study habits, and now I've got extra homework! Ooh. And Dad is going to check it every night to make sure it's done right! Can you believe it?! So try to do an extra good job now, OK? You're lucky tigers are so smart.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that he got in trouble when Mom found out he had just left school. She drove him back, and they had a talk with his teacher and the principal. They discussed his study habits, and now he has extra homework. Dad's going to check it every night to make sure it's right. He hands the book to Hobbes and tells him to do an extra good job. Hobbes tells him he's lucky tigers are so smart.
Appears In
01 JUNE 1990
Script Hey Mom, want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda, I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin, I don't... But that's not all! At the same time, I'll also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.
Description Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.
Appears In
16 JUNE 1990
Script See, the chicken pox are going away. That's good. Well, just remember that this week doesn't count. Doesn't count? Right. Summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. I get to start school a week later now. So I get my full allotment of vacation. OK, what's the NEXT amendment say? I know it's in here someplace.
Description Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.
Appears In
25 JULY 1990
Script My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
Description Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin comes up and says a poem. It talks about his tiger running around nude. His fur coat lies on the floor. Is this a permanent change, or were the colors passe? Will he want it back, or should he use it for a rug? Calvin walks away, and Hobbes wonders when school starts.
Appears In
05 NOV 1990
Script Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
Description Standing for the school bus, Calvin comments on it being another gorgeous fall day. He says it's a waste to go to school on a morning like this. Hobbes asks what he would do if Calvin could stay home that morning. Calvin tells him he'd sleep right through it.
Appears In
13 NOV 1990
Script Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
Description Calvin asks Mom if they have a shoe box for a school project. Mom gets him one. Calvin is going to make a diorama. They're studying different ecosystems, and Calvin's making a desert scene. Calvin adds that he'll some glue and paper. He's going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin tells her today, but Calvin told the teacher he wasn't quite finished.
Appears In
16 NOV 1990
Script Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
Description Calvin asks Mom for some papier-mache. Mom says they don't have any. Calvin wonders how he's supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache. Mom says he should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Calvin asks how he'll make one. Mom tells him it's his project, he should do the work. Calvin tells her that if he gets a bad grade, it will be her fault for not doing the work for him.
Appears In
30 NOV 1990
Script Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
Description Calvin is on the phone. He tells someone to look out the window, it's snowing. By morning, he bets there'll be tons of snow. He asks if the person thinks the schools will close. Calvin hears the answer and angrily says back "Well, same to you". Climbing back in bed, Calvin asks Hobbes how a crabby guy like that got to be superintendent.
Appears In
10 JAN 1991
Script Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Description Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Appears In
11 JAN 1991
Script Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
Description In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.
Appears In
28 JAN 1991
Script C'mon, Calvin! Get up or you'll be late for school. Today my SPIRIT is going to school while my body stays in bed. Now my spirit is in bed.
Description Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.
Appears In
30 JAN 1991
Script Who would like to summarize what we just read? Calvin? How about you? Sorry! I'm here against my will. I refuse to cooperate. They can transport my BODY to school, but they can't chain my SPIRIT! My spirit roams free! Walls can't confine it! Laws can't restrain it! Authority has no power over it! Calvin, if you'd put half the energy of your protests into your schoolwork... You can try to leave a message, but my spirit screens its calls.
Description Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin would like to summarize what they read in class. Calvin declines, saying he's here against his will. He refuses to cooperate. He shakes his fist and says they can transport his body to school, but they can't chain his spirit. Walls can't confine it, laws can't restrain it, authority has no power over it. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that if he put half the energy into his protests into his schoolwork... Calvin interrupts her by saying she can try to leave a message, but his spirit screens its calls.
Appears In
01 FEB 1991
Script There ought to be a law against having school on days when there's enough snow to play in. Of course, I don't think there should be school in FALL either... and summer's out altready... and then there's spring... I guess I'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. By second grade, you'd be packing your lunch box with denture cleaners. And before I got to third grade, I could reture.
Description Standing on the corner, waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes there ought to be a law against having school on days there is enough snow to play in. Calvin goes on to say he doesn't think there should be school in the fall, either. Summer's out already, then there is spring. Calvin guesses he'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. Hobbes says that by second grade, he'd be packing his lunch box with denture cleaners. Calvin finishes the thought by saying before he got to third grade, he could retire.
Appears In
19 FEB 1991
Script Hi honey! How was school? I got stuck in my snow pants. Uh oh. What happened? Well, the zipper got covered with ice, so I tried to force it. Then my mitten got caught and jammed the zipper. I tried to PULL my snow pants off, but I forgot to take my boots off first, so THOSE got stuck, and then the pants got all twisted, so I fell over, and finally the teacher had to call two custodians to get me out! So I want to be sure to wear them again tomorrow.
Description Mom asks how Calvin's day went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his snow pants. He says the zipper got covered with ice, he tried to force it, but his mitten got caught. He then tried to take his snow pants off, but he hadn't taken his boots off first. Then the pants got twisted, he fell over, and the teacher had to call two custodians to get him out. He tells Mom he wants to wear them again tomorrow.
Appears In
21 FEB 1991
Script My essay is entitled "After school at my house". ...ahem... "It's not that I MIND being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and they..." What, Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything.
Description Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay "After School At My House". He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything.
Appears In
06 MAR 1991
Script You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this.
Appears In
14 MAR 1991
Script I'm not going to school today. Oh, you're not? Nope! I'm staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed.
Description Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed.
Appears In
19 MAR 1991
Script I heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! There's no mess anywhere! And you're already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight, so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks, Mom.
Description Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book.
Appears In
21 MAR 1991
Script I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! I'm off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. I'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I can't believe your Mom thinks that's you.
Description Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.
Appears In
22 MAR 1991
Script I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear?
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one.
Appears In
06 MAY 1991
Script Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
Description
Appears In
13 MAY 1991
Script Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
Description
Appears In
06 AUG 1991
Script Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
Description
Appears In
21 AUG 1991
Script Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
Description
Appears In
01 SEPT 1991
Script Hmm.. you don't have a fever. That's good. My throat's still kind of scratchy. I think I should stay home from school tomorrow. We'll see. You keep resting and I'll fix some soup to bring you. OK. Not feeling so good?? YIPE! I'm FINE! I'm the picture of health! I feel great! And I know what you're thinking, you savage! By golly, if you try carrying me off to dispatch, you'll be in for a big surprise! Get away from me! Here's your soup. Goodness, you're all sweaty! Let me take your temperature again. I'll bet OTHER people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
Description
Appears In
15 SEPT 1991
Script Wow! Calvin suddenly finds himself on his own sheet of notebook paper! Fortunately, Calvin has been doodling all morning. Here's a tank! Pleased by how well it's rendered, Calvin climbs in! The blue ruled guide lines are no match for the tank's heavy treads! Calvin roars across the page anywhere he wants! There's the school! Calvin fires directly into Miss Wormwood's classroom! Kids dive out of the windows! Oh no! Miss Wormwood has come to put a stop to Calvin's fun! He fires again and again, but she's too big and mean! Hand it over, Leonardo, and see me after class. The arts are always the first to go in public schools.
Description
Appears In
06 OCT 1991
Script Recess! A school day break for play and exercise. Little does Susie realize how much exercise she is about to get! She turns at the sound of running feet behind her... have her friends come to join her? NO! It's a pack of ferocious deinonychus dinosaurs!! Screaming, Susie hurls herself towards the school doors, but the pack is closing in! With the grim efficiency of wild dogs, th epredators have a meal! Across the playground students huddle in stupefied horror! Which one of THEM will be next? Thus the weak and stupid are weeded out in a heartless, but essential, natural selection, keeping the human population in check. ... At least, that's how it OUGHT to be. Thank you for that tasteless and entirely uninformative report on overpopulation. See me after class. Ya like that, Susie?
Description
Appears In
29 OCT 1991
Script Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
Description
Appears In
05 NOV 1991
Script Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
Description
Appears In
06 NOV 1991
Script If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
Description
Appears In
21 NOV 1991
Script Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Description
Appears In
25 NOV 1991
Script Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
Description
Appears In
30 NOV 1991
Script The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
Description
Appears In
23 DEC 1991
Script Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
Description
Appears In
01 JAN 1992
Script I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
Description
Appears In
02 JAN 1992
Script I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
Description
Appears In
19 JAN 1992
Script MOOOO MOOO MOOO WHOOSH KACHUNK CHUG CHUG SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK CLANG CLANG wizz wirp boingg boingg AWKK! Hello! Hello! GAAAA GGHHH BONK BONK GASP GASP. Boy, am I glad to see YOU, Hobbes! Another typical school day?
Description
Appears In
02 FEB 1992
Script GAAAA. It is 0701 hours. You are late. Extra soap today, robot three. Mom out. Extra soap affirmative. Attention, kitchen. Calvin arriving in turbo chute 4. Clear receiving pad. I've got a moon meeting today. I'll be home for diner, if the shuttle isn't late. Have a good day. See you tonight. Calvin, you're going to be late for school! Put on your jacket! Why are you just standing there? Calvin? Calvin?? Honestly! Would you please try to stay in the PRESENT?! Sighhh...
Description Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick.
Appears In
12 MAR 1992
Script I don't want to go to school! I'd rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK, how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
Description Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
Appears In
16 MAR 1992
Script I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes.
Description Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in.
Appears In
29 MAR 1992
Script That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
Description Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.
Appears In
30 MAR 1992
Script You have a question, Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it.
Description Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what assurance he has that this education is preparing him for the 21st century. He asks if he's getting the skills to effectively compete in a global economy. He wants a high-paying job when he gets out of school. Miss Wormwood suggests he start working harder. She explains you get out of school what you put into it. Calvin says to forget it then.
Appears In
15 APR 1992
Script Your Mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she? Hmph. Well, my horoscope said, "Many key policies will be implement." Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. C'mon moon, do your stuff!
Description Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope.
Appears In
20 APR 1992
Script Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town.
Description Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town.
Appears In
23 APR 1992
Script Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Description Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Appears In
29 APR 1992
Script For school, we're supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. "Dad: the paragraph". Catchy title, huh? "What does my Dad do? Mostly, he gets on my nerves. The end." You may get a point for succinctness. Well, what else is there to say?!
Description Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. "Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end". Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say.
Appears In
22 MAY 1992
Script If you ask ME, these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines, rules how to do it, grades... how can you be creating when someone's breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office. Well, maybe not THAT much fun.
Description Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office.
Appears In
27 MAY 1992
Script Do you mean to say it's time for bed and you still haven't written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didn't write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now, because it's 8:30 and I'm supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past, that would mean I should've written it! Well, why didn't you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadn't screwed up my past, your future wouldn't be like this.
Description The 6:30 Calvin clarifies that it's time for bed, and the story isn't written. The 8:30 Calvin thought the story was done. The early Calvin asks how it could be done if he didn't write it. The future Calvin says it had to be done before now, because he's supposed to be in bed. The early Calvin says that means he should have written it. The future Calvin asks why he didn't. The early Calvin says he came to the future to pick it up. The future Calvin says that if the earlier Calvin hadn't screwed up his past, the earlier Calvin's future wouldn't be like this.
Appears In
26 JULY 1992
Script Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Description Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it.
Appears In
23 SEPT 1992
Script I hate school! I'm not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year.
Description Calvin says he refuses to go to school again. Calvin gets tossed out the door. As he brushes himself off, Calvin says he thinks Mom lettered in shot put her junior year.
Appears In
24 SEPT 1992
Script I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. There's velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more! Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received.
Description Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received.
Appears In
11 OCT 1992
Script Hello, Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-you're a robot?? Ha hah, affirmative. We wouldn't trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands, now, would we? Um... I gues not... How's the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar, would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here, a dab there... ah, that should do it. Wow, that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks, Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh.
Description Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself.
Appears In
26 OCT 1992
Script I love recess! Two minutes ago, I was eating devilled ham, chocolate milk, grapes and ice cream. And now, I'm running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. It's the one time at school I get some solitude.
Description Calvin is on the school playground. He says he just ate deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream. He goes down the slide. He gets on the swing and says he's on a playground full of nausea-inducing motion devices. He hangs from some bars and says this is the one time at school he gets some solitude.
Appears In
28 OCT 1992
Script RRINNGGG. Didn't you hear the bell? Recess is over. It's time to go in. I'm not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission.
Description On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission.
Appears In
01 NOV 1992
Script My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Description Calvin is on his notebook paper. He's been doodling, so there's a tank for him to enter. The tank goes wherever Calvin wants. He shoots the school. Miss Wormwood tries to stop Calvin. He shoots again and again, but the shells have no effect. Miss Wormwood stands over Calvin's desk. She tells him to hand it over and see her after class. Calvin hands her his drawings and says the arts are the first to go in public schools.
Appears In
06 NOV 1992
Script This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!
Description Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on.
Appears In
08 NOV 1992
Script We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, "The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise."
Description Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes.
Appears In
19 NOV 1992
Script These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air, the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler, I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didn't appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever.
Description Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever.
Appears In
25 NOV 1992
Script Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
Description Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee.
Appears In
29 NOV 1992
Script UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
Description Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation.
Appears In
01 DEC 1992
Script For "Show and Tell" today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime.
Description Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.
Appears In
03 DEC 1992
Script I'm home! I'm free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally, some time to myself! Liberty, precious liberty! Ha ha ha!
Description Calvin rushes home from the school bus. He's got time to himself. He plans to enjoy his liberty. He sits and watches television.
Appears In
06 DEC 1992
Script I'm going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday I'll write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
Description Calvin is pulled into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks at the stars.
Appears In
07 DEC 1992
Script Wake up, get up... Shut up, listen up... Throw up... Mix up, goof up... Hurry up... How's your day? Looking up.
Description Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up.
Appears In
17 DEC 1992
Script I'm having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You don't shop for anyone, you've got two weeks off from school, and your parents do all the cooking, cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave.
Appears In
05 JAN 1993
Script I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
Description Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out.
Appears In
06 JAN 1993
Script It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didn't have to go to school! Yeah, I'd sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
Description Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says it would be a surprise if the bus exploded and he didn't have to go to school. He says he'd really be surprised if that happens. On the school bus, Calvin says life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
Appears In
08 JAN 1993
Script Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
Description Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares.
Appears In
21 FEB 1993
Script I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Description Calvin readies himself for a trip on the toboggan. He looks down for miles on the landscape below. Over he goes, coming down from mountainous heights. Calvin looks back when he's stopped to see the tiny hill he came down. He sighs.
Appears In
05 MAR 1993
Script AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! You've got the wrong guy! I'm Calvin! I didn't do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! I'm not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class, YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! I've been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was, I always just say, "Fine," and change the subject. NO! NO!
Description Susie sits at her desk while she hears Calvin say they have the wrong guy. Calvin claims they want Stupendous Man. Calvin, still fighting with Miss Wormwood, asks the class to tell her it wasn't him. Susie thinks that when her Mom asks how the day at school was, she'll just say "fine" and change the subject.
Appears In
14 MAR 1993
Script Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Description Calvin runs after cows in a chute, runs around a wheel like a hamster, walks like a robot, and is a fish gasping for air. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad to see him. Hobbes asks if he had another typical school day.
Appears In
16 MAR 1993
Script I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to wait for the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to listen to the teacher. I don't want to study. I don't want any tests. I don't want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
Description In bed, Calvin doesn't want to get up or wait for the bus. Standing for the bus, he doesn't want to go to school or listen to the teacher. At school, he doesn't want to study or get homework. When he gets back home, Mom asks how his day was. Calvin says it pitched a perfect no-hitter.
Appears In
29 MAR 1993
Script BORRRING. Yeah, yeah... Kill the messenger.
Description Calvin sits at his school desk, fighting off sleep. He finally yells "borrring". On his way to the principal's office, he says they're killing the messenger.
Appears In
26 APR 1993
Script Want to help me make a poster? Sure. What's it for? It's a school contest. We're supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! We'll be rich! And then there's the fame and glory! I tell you, this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. What's our winning poster going to say? That's where YOU come in.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes to help with a safety poster he's doing for school. The winner gets five dollars. Calvin says they'll be rich. This could be the ticket to fame and glory. Hobbes asks what the poster will say. Calvin informs Hobbes that's where he comes in.
Appears In
03 MAY 1993
Script Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didn't waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. "Be careful or be roadkill!" That's really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce!
Description Calvin tells Susie that he's going to win the safety poster contest. He shows Susie the poster. She thinks it's disgusting. She asks what is on his poster. He tells her it's chunky spaghetti sauce.
Appears In
08 MAY 1993
Script Dad, my poster didn't win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board, have them declare a fraud, and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? You've been watching athletic shoe ads again, haven't you?
Description Calvin complains to Dad that the poster contest was rigged. Calvin wants Dad to call the school board and make Susie give the prize to him. Dad explains losing is a part of life. He tells Calvin to be a good sport and keep things in perspective. He says winning isn't everything. Calvin asks if that's really what they believe on the planet he's from.
Appears In
31 MAY 1993
Script I'm not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! I've decided to be a "hunter-gatherer" when I grow up! I'll be living naked in a tropical forest, subsisting on berries, grubs, and the occasional frog, and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
Description Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a "hunter-gatherer" when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
Appears In
05 SEPT 1993
Script OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
Description The numeral '3' turns into a pterodactyl. It flies past a brontosaurus, whose neck forms the numeral '2'. Calvin sits at his school desk while the teacher asks what three plus two is.
Appears In
08 SEPT 1993
Script At this room, time enters a no-passing zone.
Description Calvin sits bored at his school desk. He looks at the clock. He says in the classroom, time enters a no-passing zone.
Appears In
18 SEPT 1993
Script OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP! But it's Saturday. Well sure. If this was a school day, what would I care?
Description Calvin gets up in bed, worried that he's overslept. Hobbes tells him it's Saturday. Calvin knows. He says if it was a school day, what would he care.
Appears In
03 OCT 1993
Script That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
Description Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.
Appears In
04 OCT 1993
Script I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon we'll have read ALL of this! I like to read ahead and see what we're going to learn next. It's so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you. If you flip the pages of MY book, an animated T.Rex drives the batmobile and explodes! Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
Description Susie tells Calvin she loves her school books. She likes to read ahead to see what comes next. She says having a book is like having a good friend with you. Calvin says if you flip the pages of his book, an animated T-rex drives the Batmobile and explodes. Susie says sometimes books are the only friends worth having.
Appears In
24 OCT 1993
Script Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Description Miss Wormwood gives Calvin his paper. He got an "A". Calvin is in a parade with a key to the city. People are cheering him, and fireworks are going off. Miss Wormwood tells the class to open their books to the next chapter. Calvin sighs.
Appears In
28 NOV 1993
Script This sculpture will be called "The spirit of compromise". We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise.
Description A robot doctor looks at Calvin. It slices his head open to look at the brain. The doctor puts more brains into Calvin's skull. The robot doctor asks how Calvin feels. Calvin says "smart". The doctor says the knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll need. Calvin walks out of the office needing no more school. The robot doctor says to go home and have 12 years of fun. Calvin sighs as he gets onto the school bus.
Appears In
29 NOV 1993
Script TIME FOR BED?? That's what I said. But I haven't finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it.
Description Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.
Appears In
30 NOV 1993
Script You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Description Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Appears In
10 JAN 1994
Script I don't think the schools assign enough homework.
Description Dad comes home to see several snowmen in the yard. They are yelling while one is eaten by a giant snow monster. Dad doesn't think schools assign enough homework.
Appears In
11 JAN 1994
Script Some kids at school got filthy rich today. Really? How? They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Description Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes some kids at school got filthy rich today. Hobbes asks how. Calvin says they grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Appears In
21 JAN 1994
Script I couldn't stand being a girl. I can't stand you either way. When guys grow up, they get to play with cards, sports equipment, cameras, stereos, electric tools... you name it. But girls don't get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad. I guess girls actually mature as they get older. I can't wait until I'm old enough to "putter around".
Description Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Susie he couldn't stand being a girl. He says when guys grow up, they play with cars, stereos, you name it. Girls don't get toys when they grow up. They just buy clothes and shoes. He says that's sad. Susie guesses girls actually mature as they grow older.
Appears In
30 JAN 1994
Script Hey, there's some sort of remote control gizmo in this drawer. I wonder what it does. Click. WAAA! Mom?? Dad??? CALVIN! SIGHHH. Calvin, that's very annoying.
Description Calvin is reading his school book. He walks away. Calvin the dinosaur stalks a diplodocus. He crouches in hiding, waiting for the surprise attack. The diplodocus gets closer to the trees. Mom opens a door. Calvin jumps out, yelling at her. She's terrified. Calvin sits reading his book again, wondering what's wrong with taking a little break.
Appears In
08 FEB 1994
Script Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?? Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN, I promise! Hmph. I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
Description Calvin yells to someone in the hallway at school. He says he'll have a blistering retort in a day or two. He grumbles. He wishes he could think of comeback lines on the spot.
Appears In
20 FEB 1994
Script Get going or you'll miss the school bus. Uh... greetings. My name is Calvin. POOF. Grittings. Ma name is Kahlfin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Um... yes! Well Calvin, here's your lunchbox. Have a good day at school. Hoffa gud tay. Lunboks. Hi Calvin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Heeryor lunkboks. Hoffa gut tay askool. Calvin's principal says to say hello. Huh boy. It troo! Dat darn Kahlfun stole ma spacechip!
Description Two superheroes, one man and one woman, are fighting. He hits her, while she blasts him with a distortion blaster. Calvin stops reading his comic book and walks off in a daze. He turns on television. Mom turns it off and tells Calvin there is too much violence on TV. She tells him to read something.
Appears In
12 MAR 1994
Script Wow, listen to the wind howl. It's really snowing! Pretty creepy. Things are ALWAYS creepy at 2:00am. Hey, I'll bet tomorrow's a snow day! I'll bet they close the schools! Let's call the superintendent and see! If tomorrow's a snow day, we can go right back to bed! ...or maybe we will anyway. Who IS this?!? You have two seconds to improve my mood.
Description Calvin notices how creepy it is with the snow and wind blowing. Hobbes says it's always creepy at 2:00 AM. He bets tomorrow is a snow day. He decides to call the superintendent to see. He says if tomorrow is a snow day, they can go right back to bed. As Calvin is on the phone, Dad comes up behind him. Calvin sees him and thinks maybe they will be going back to bed right away.
Appears In
14 MAR 1994
Script Time to get up, Calvin. Is it a snow day? Did they close the schools? I've got the radio on, so we'll hear. Get ready anyway, though. Oh man, I hope I hope I hope. If school's closed, I'll have the whole day to do the math homework I forgot yesterday. If school's open, I'm in big trouble. Suddenly I feel extremely religious. Another deathbed conversion.
Description Mom wakes Calvin. He asks if the school is closed for snow. She says the radio is on. She tells him to get ready. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll have the whole day to do his homework if school is closed. Calvin glances up and says he suddenly feels religious. Hobbes says it's another deathbed conversion.
Appears In
15 MAR 1994
Script Ha ha! They just announced the schools are closed! It's a snow day! WHEEEEEEE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Talk about luck! Now you can do your homework and you won't get in trouble! Right, but there's over two feet of snow that requires our immediate and undivided attention. First things first. Math will still be there when the snow melts.
Description Calvin is overjoyed a snow day was declared. Hobbes says Calvin can now do his homework and not get into trouble. Calvin says there are over two feet of snow requiring their immediate attention. As they trudge through the snow, Hobbes says "first things first". Calvin says math will be there when snow melts.
Appears In
17 MAR 1994
Script What a busy day! I'm pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear, so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish I'd done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish I'd done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now it's too late. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Description Hobbes yawns after a busy day. Calvin says the roads are clear, so they'll probably have school tomorrow. Now he wishes he had done his math homework instead of playing outside all day...or after dinner...or instead of watching TV. Now it's too late. He says a day can slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Appears In
29 MAR 1994
Script Greetings. I am Blor-Utar from Zimtok-5. I have come to subjugate the human race. Do not resist. Why humans? Because, in addition to their value as slave labor, they are also delicious and nutritious! Ha ha ha! But first, for your Earth customer of "Show and Tell", I will exhibit some of our terrifying weaponry. Snekk blog u-lar mekhh! Gahghh! Rk! All right, Calvin, that's quite enough. Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some special school or something?
Description An alien says he's come to subjugate the human race. He says in addition to their value as slave labor, they're delicious and nutritious. He says for the custom of "show and tell", he'll show some of his terrible weaponry. Calvin is in front of the class. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that's enough. One of the students asks if Calvin shouldn't be in some special school.
Appears In
12 APR 1994
Script Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
Description
Appears In
21 MAY 1994
Script I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Description
Appears In
24 JULY 1994
Script I hate Sundays. The day of is ruined by knowing I've got to get ready for school tomorrow. Why don't we get your chores done NOW, so we can enjoy the rest of the day without worry? Hmm... I hate to delay fun, but maybe you're on to something. This will make the fun MORE fun. At last! We got everything bad out of the way! There you are. It's time for bed. See if I ever listen to YOU again! Never put the low priorities first.
Description
Appears In
27 JULY 1994
Script My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
Description
Appears In
06 SEPT 1994
Script Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
Description
Appears In
10 SEPT 1994
Script Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
Description
Appears In
31 OCT 1994
Script Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
Description
Appears In
08 NOV 1994
Script Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
Description
Appears In
10 NOV 1994
Script What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
Description
Appears In
15 NOV 1994
Script Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
Description
Appears In
18 NOV 1994
Script Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
Description
Appears In
02 DEC 1994
Script Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
Description
Appears In
01 JAN 1995
Script I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
Description A herd of chasmosaurs is jittery. They face an even greater danger. Tyrannosaurs in F-14s. Playing with his toys, Calvin thinks this is so cool. Hobbes thinks it's so stupid.
Appears In
03 JAN 1995
Script No! No! No! I need more sleep! I c-can't keep m-my eyes open! Bed?! Already?? But I'm wide awake!! My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
Description Mom tries pulling Calvin out of bed while he yells that he needs more sleep. In school, Calvin can't keep his eyes open. As Mom takes him upstairs to bed, Calvin yells that he's wide awake. In bed, Calvin says his internal clock is on Tokyo time.
Appears In
17 JAN 1995
Script On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Description Still waiting for the bus, Calvin says on gray days, you should be able to call a judge and take an oath that you'll read a good book, and he'd allow you to stay home. Hobbes asks if he'd only go to school on sunny days. Calvin says on those days, the judge would let you play outside. Hobbes comments that the judge is quite a guy. Calvin says he'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Appears In
26 JAN 1995
Script Look, it's almost 11 o'clock! Wow, the last two hours really flew by! I hope the teacher didn't say anything important.
Description At school, Calvin looks at the clock and sees it's almost 11:00. He says the last two hours really flew by. He hopes the teacher didn't say anything important.
Appears In
28 FEB 1995
Script What happened in Concord in 1775? Le'ts be honest. You're asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? I'm a kid. I don't know what's going on NOW. I don't have a shred of context for any of this. It's hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other.
Description Calvin looks at a test question about what happened in Concord in 1775. Calvin writes that he relies on the bus driver to find his own house from school. Concord could be on Neptune for all he knows. He says he's a kid. How should he know what happened 220 years ago? He doesn't have context for the question. He writes to Miss Wormwood that it's hopeless. He says they both try to demoralize each other.
Appears In
05 MAR 1995
Script Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Description Spaceman Spiff lands on a bizarre planet. A mysterious mist arises out of nowhere. Spiff can't see a thing. At school, Calvin is at his desk. Miss Wormwood is explaining a math problem. Calvin says our hero's in a total fog. He says the atmosphere is a powerful sedative. Spiff can't keep his eyes open. Miss Wormwood stands by his desk as his head drops on the desk. Spiff is hanging upside down from ankle locks in a dungeon. He says our hero suddenly comes to.
Appears In
20 MAR 1995
Script FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that.
Description Hopping off the school bus, Calvin says he's free. Susie follows Calvin. He notices her behind him and says this walk goes to his house. Susie replies that she knows. Calvin runs and Susie chases him.
Appears In
25 MAR 1995
Script What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasn't sure I understood this chapter, so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now I'm rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well, now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart.
Description Calvin walks past Susie all scratched. Susie asks what happened. Calvin says he and Hobbes had a frank exchange of ideas. Calvin asks what she's doing. Susie tells him she wasn't sure she understood a chapter of her school work, so she reviewed her notes from the last chapter and is rereading the book. Calvin asks if she does all that work. Calvin walks away saying he used to think she was smart.
Appears In
26 MAR 1995
Script What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Description Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of "cat nap".
Appears In
28 MAR 1995
Script This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As we're all aware, the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies, we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes, could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure!
Description Calvin calls an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. under a box in his bedroom. Calvin says they've been infiltrated by the enemy who is spreading disinformation that homework ought to be done right after school. Calvin says though Mom has covert girl sympathies, they must eradicate the hostile forces. He asks if there are questions. Hobbes asks if they can put some air holes in the box. Calvin says the box of secrecy must remain secure.
Appears In
09 APR 1995
Script Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Description On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.
Appears In
17 APR 1995
Script I think I should stay home from school. I've got a sore throat, an ear ache, a stomach ache, I'm seeing spots, and I'm dizzy. I'll call the doctor. Hold on, I think it's all clearing up! Yes. I think I'm better now. It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms.
Description In bed, Calvin tells Mom he has a sore throat, ear ache, is seeing spots, and is dizzy. Mom offers to call the doctor. Calvin gets out of bed, saying it's all clearing up. While he gets dressed, he says it's hard to hit the magic number of vague, mildly serious, but not worrisome symptoms.
Appears In
30 APR 1995
Script Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Description Someone is flying a spacecraft , cruising between large mesas, heading toward the horizon. A monster appears ahead of the spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing in front of Calvin's desk. He's startled awake. He looks at his school book. He sees a herd of dinosaurs as he come out of the bushes.
Appears In
01 MAY 1995
Script I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments.
Appears In
14 MAY 1995
Script Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Description Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.
Appears In
29 MAY 1995
Script I heard that Miss Wormwood isn't here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student?
Description Susie tells Calvin that Miss Wormwood isn't at school today. Calvin wonders if they can go home. Susie tells him they have a substitute teacher. Calvin asks if he can send a substitute student.
Appears In
01 JUNE 1995
Script Life is full of possibilities. For example, right now, instead of waiting for the school bus, I could stick out my thumb, hitch a ride, and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti, migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldn't really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes life is full of possibilities. Instead of waiting for the school bus, he could thumb a ride and spend the rest of his life in the Serengeti, migrating with wildebeests. Hobbes points out that the Sergengeti is in Africa and that he couldn't really hitch a ride there. Calvin frowns and says life is full of precluded possibilities.
Appears In
07 AUG 1995
Script Just once I'd like to see you manage this during the school year. YAAAAAAA.
Description Mom stands in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand. It's barely sunrise. Calvin has a flag in hand and is running off to play. Mom says just once she'd like to see him manage that during the school year.
Appears In
25 AUG 1995
Script I can't believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom, no more long days outside, no more fun. Well, let's go make the most of the time we have left! Nah, I've reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Description Calvin can't believe summer is almost over. School will start, no long days outside, no more fun. Hobbes tells him they should make the most of the time they have left. Calvin tells him he's reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Appears In
03 SEPT 1995
Script Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Description Susie waits for the school bus and hears a noise. Calvin is being dragged by Mom. He has his blanket, which is dragging the lamp, phone, cereal, and school books along with it. Mom angrily stands next to Calvin, who's also standing angrily. Susie glances at them. The bus comes. Mom smiles, while Calvin is horrified and starts running. Mom catches him and stuff him onto the bus. As the bus drives off, Susie asks Calvin if he knows that nobody on their street sets an alarm clock in the morning. Calvin tells her to shut up.
Appears In
17 SEPT 1995
Script Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Description Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first.
Appears In
18 SEPT 1995
Script Wake up! It's time to get ready for school. Just checking. I'm glad you're up and dressed. That should throw her off the trail for a while.
Description Mom wakes Calvin for school. He gets dressed. Mom looks in to see Calvin is dressed. Calvin crawls back in bed, saying that should throw them off the trail for awhile.
Appears In
27 SEPT 1995
Script And so, after a three minute downpour, he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
Description Calvin stands waiting for the school bus. He has his raincoat and hat on, holding an umbrella. It's raining. Then it stops, and the sun come out. Calvin says that after the three minute downpour, he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
Appears In
29 SEPT 1995
Script I wish school would disappear forever, right now! To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
Description Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says he wishes school would disappear forever right now. The bus pulls up. Inside, he says to make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
Appears In
02 OCT 1995
Script Boy, I hate school assignments! Miss Wormwood is out to destroy my life! What do you have to do? Make a leaf collection! What a dumb waste of time! How many leaves do you need? 50! I gotta collect 50 leaves! And just when I thought of a loophole, the teacher said every leaf has to be a different kind. She's got your number.
Description Calvin throws his books, saying he hates school assignments. He says he has to make a leaf collection. Hobbes asks how many leaves he needs. Fifty, Calvin replies. Hands in pockets, Calvin says that just when he thought of a loophole, Miss Wormwood said each leaf had to be a different kind. Hobbes says she has his number.
Appears In
04 OCT 1995
Script Here's a nice leaf! Do you want it for your collection? No. Why not? It's a beautiful afternoon! I'm not going to waste it doing ridiculous busywork for school! But this would be one less leaf you'd need to collect later. Yeah, but it's one MORE leaf than I need right now. Somehone, it's always right now until it's later. Whatever THAT means.
Description Hobbes sees a leaf for Calvin's collection. He doesn't want it. It's a beautiful afternoon, and he won't waste it doing busywork for school. Hobbes tells him it would be one less leaf to collect later. Calvin replies it's one leaf more than he needs right now. As Hobbes tosses the leaf, he says somehow, it's always right now until it's too late.
Appears In
08 OCT 1995
Script Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Description Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
Appears In
09 OCT 1995
Script Mom, I need to collect leaves for a school project. Could we go to the arboretum sometime? Sure. How about this weekend? Um, it would be better to do it a little sooner. When is this due? Well, my notebook's in the car and the park closes in 20 minutes. Calvin, I'm fixing dinner!
Description Calvin asks Mom if they can go to the arboretum, since he has to collect leaves for the school project. Mom says they can go that weekend. Calvin thinks it would be better if they did it sooner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin says the notebook is in the car and the park closes in twenty minutes. Mom says she's making dinner.
Appears In
25 OCT 1995
Script You know, school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day. ... and if you didn't have to learn anything... and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great. A lot of things are like that. Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I've got tons of ideas!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day...and if you didn't have to learn anything...and if you took away the teachers and other kids. School would then be great. Hobbes tells him a lot of things are like that. Calvin says nobody asks him how things ought to be. He has tons of ideas.
Appears In
14 NOV 1995
Script The pace of modern life is all wrong. It makes every day an ordeal. Everybody's exhausted, stressed out, and short-tempered! Look at me! Why am I waiting for a bus at this horrible hour?! It's unnatural and unhealthy! We should EASE into the day! You know, read the paper, have some hot cocoa, go for a leisurely walk and get our thoughts together... So now it's mid-afternoon. Right. Time to kick back for a little siesta and plan dinner.
Description Calvin says the pace of modern life is all wrong. He says every day is an ordeal. He asks why he's waiting for the school bus at that hour. He says it's unnatural and unhealthy. He says people should ease into the day. They should read the paper, have cocoa, go for a walk. Hobbes says it would then be mid-afternoon. Calvin continues that it would be time to kick back and plan dinner.
Appears In
16 NOV 1995
Script Ugghh... manicotti! Gross! Shlooop. AIEE! MY INTESTINES JUST BURST THROUGH MY STOMACH WALL! AAAA!! I should get some more and see if I can get out of math class.
Description Calvin is grossed out by the school lunch of manicotti. He dumps it down the front of his shirt. Susie comes over to sit by him, and Calvin lifts his shirt. He makes a face and says his intestines just burst through his stomach wall. Susie is horrified. Calvin smiles and says he should get more to see if he can get out of math class.
Appears In
19 NOV 1995
Script A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Description Calvin runs out of the house, late for the school bus. He makes it, but realizes he left his lunch. Mom sees the lunch and runs to give it to Calvin. They miss each other. Mom is at the bus stop, and Calvin is inside looking for lunch. Mom and Calvin finally hook up, only to see the school bus taking off. They yell at each other. Mom angrily takes Calvin to school. Mom goes into the house. Calvin realizes something. Mom sees the books Calvin left in the house when he had gone in looking for his lunch.
Appears In
21 NOV 1995
Script Hello? Hi Mom, it's Calvin. Is something wrong? You're supposed to be in school! It's recess. I'm fine. Then why are you calling me? Actually, I'm calling Hobbes. Would you put him on? I gotta get my own secretary.
Description Calvin calls Mom at home. She asks if something is wrong. Calvin is fine and is at recess. Mom asks why he's calling her. He says he's actually calling Hobbes and asks Mom to put him on the phone. Calvin trudges away, saying he has to get his own secretary.
Appears In
30 NOV 1995
Script You're lisening to "Boomer 102" classic rock - where we promise not to expose you to anything you haven't heard a million times before! We'll get right back to more hits from those high school days when your world stopped... but first, here's our critic to review the latest movie based on a '60s or '70s TV show! What's THAT look supposed to mean?
Description Calvin listens to the radio, which promises not to expose him to anything he hasn't heard a million time before. It says they'll get back to hits from those high school days when their world stopped. But first, their critic will review the latest movie based on a 60's or 70's TV show. Calvin walks by Dad with a strange look on his face. Dad asks what that look is supposed to mean.
Appears In
14 DEC 1995
Script In the SHORT term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
Description In the house, Calvin says in the short term, it would make him happy to play outside. In the long term, it would make him happier to do well in school and be successful. As they ride down the hill on the sled, Calvin says in the very long term, he knows which will make better memories.
Appears In
Calvin & Hobbes : Copyright & All Rights Reserved by Bill Watterson and Andrews McMeel Universal
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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.