I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!

Look, if you can't make up your mind, I'll go first and turn myself into something. I'll show you. But what's the point of turning yourself into something else? No one's done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok, I'm in. set the dial on "lungfish" ... no make it "musk ox" ... no ...

Calvin, you've got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know, Rosalyn, I'd suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to these notes, would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home, I'll... FLUSH AUGH! There's ONE page!

I don't hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? We've still got her science notes. Doesn't she want them any more? What's she doing? Maybe she's calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh, that'd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening.

Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.

Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds.

Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.

You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang"? That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empericists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? "The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!" Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard".

The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, with noisy comotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn that you will soon be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job." That's my science fiction story. Think that's too far-fetched? Not enough, really.

It's hard to believe your conscience lets you sleep that well. NOW it does.

I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!

I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Just the opposite, in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.

I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head, huge and white, floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously it's a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds, I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know, some sort of cumulonimbal thing.

Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well, I enjoyed coming home...

Very good work, Calvin. You got an "A". All right, class. Books open! Next chapter! Sighhhh...

Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.

Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.

Where's Susie? She's in the living room doing her homework. NOW? She's not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow, it's like science fiction or something. "The Gender from Outer Space"!

I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure I'm chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that I'm chewing more gum faster, harder, and longer! What's the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun. Sciece to the spirit's rescue once again.