Your search found 86 comics:29 NOV 1985 Script We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man! The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer! Moments from the torture chamber, Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass?
Description Miss Wormwood takes Calvin to the office to see the principal. Spaceman Spiff is captured and is being taken for torture. He knows the aliens are after the formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer. Spiff springs into action. The principal asks Miss Wormwood why Calvin is eating his hall pass.
Appears In 13 JAN 1986 Script Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
Description In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.
Appears In 14 JAN 1986 Script That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
Description Calvin fumes from being humiliated and vows Susie will be sorry if she passes another note to him. Susie then does just that. She gives Calvin another secret note for Jessica. This time, Calvin yells to Miss Wormwood that Susie is passing notes and that she should read the note to the class. Miss Wormwood reads the note telling Jessica that Calvin is a squealer. Calvin murmurs a comment to Susie about hoping she knows a good dentist.
Appears In 21 JAN 1986 Script Mom, can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not, Calvin. Don't be ridiculous. Why can't I? Because you'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said don't do it. Okay, okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in?
Description Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.
Appears In 26 MAR 1986 Script Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
Description Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.
Appears In 09 APR 1986 Script My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! It's Dad's. I buried it here last week.
Description Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.
Appears In 02 JUNE 1986 Script Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
Description Calvin asks Susie if she wants to know a secret. Calvin tells her he thinks the principal is a space alien spy. He goes on to say the spy is corrupting their minds so they'll be unable to resist when his people invade earth. He asks Susie not to tell anyone. She reassures him not to worry.
Appears In 28 JULY 1986 Script Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
Description Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.
Appears In 19 FEB 1987 Script How come it doesn't take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe I'm more efficient. Maybe you don't do as good a job. Why don't you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok, can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin, this dust ball is going to be our little secret, all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear, I thought you did this room!
Description Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.
Appears In 03 JUNE 1987 Script Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work? I can't tell you. Why not? It's a secret. No it isn't! you just don't know!
Description Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know.
Appears In 10 JULY 1987 Script What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.
Appears In 15 MAR 1988 Script This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True, very true. Secretive? Oh, sure! You wouldn't believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I can't tell you, they're secrets. You can tell me! I won't blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy, if you only knew! Mm-mm!
Description The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.
Appears In 16 MAR 1988 Script I don't believe you even have a secret. That's right, I don't. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why can't you tell me? It's about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! I've said too much already.
Description Calvin doesn't even believe Hobbes has a secret, and Hobbes agrees that he doesn't. Calvin says that Hobbes really does and again begs Hobbes to tell him. Calvin asks why Hobbes won't tell him, and Hobbes says the secret is about him. That just makes things worse as Calvin grabs Hobbes' leg and wails for him to tell the secret. Hobbes says he's said too much already.
Appears In 17 MAR 1988 Script If you won't tell me your secret, I won't be your friend anymore. I'll give you a hint, how's that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that if he doesn't tell the secret, Calvin will stop being Hobbes' friend. Hobbes offers a hint, "the flea market". Calvin asks what kind of a hint is that. Then Hobbes asks if Calvin knows how his parents got him. Calvin starts to answer, but stops and asks what Hobbes is saying. Hobbes won't give any more hints.
Appears In 18 MAR 1988 Script I don't believe your dumb ol' secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. It's true. It is not, and if all your secrets are lies, you can just keep them to yourself. You just don't want to hear how little you went for. Oh, hush up. This book also says tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on one's nerves. A nickel. That's how much you cost.
Description Calvin doesn't believe Hobbes' secret. He says if all Hobbes' secrets are lies, he can keep them to himself. Hobbes taunts that Calvin just doesn't want to hear how little he went for. Calvin reads in the book that tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. Calvin can see how tigers would get on each others' nerves. Hobbes tells him he cost a nickel.
Appears In 22 MAY 1988 Script I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didn't touch all the bases! I did too. No, you didn't. You didn't touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. That's not seventh base. That's twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didn't touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? What's the secret base?! I can't tell you. It's a secret. I can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. You're out. Give me a dollar.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin scores. Hobbes accuses him of not touching all the bases. Calvin says that he did. Hobbes states Calvin didn't touch seventh base. Calvin points out that he did touch the water barrel after he touched the front porch. Hobbes clarifies that the barrel is twelfth base. Calvin thought the garage door was twelfth base. Hobbes informs him the garage door is twenty-third base. He accuses Calvin of touching all the bases out of order. Plus, he didn't touch the secret base. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes won't tell him, because it's a secret. Calvin can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Hobbes tags him out and tells Calvin to give him a dollar.
Appears In 04 SEPT 1988 Script Can I have a different plate, Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet, OK, Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh, knock it off, Calvin, it's hamburger casserole. There's not a thing in there you don't like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasn't so bad, for some reason. I was able to choke it down, anyway. My stomach is still cramping up, but the pains aren't as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it, I can stand it. Good I'm glad this is such a hit.
Description Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.
Appears In 04 JAN 1989 Script This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
Description Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.
Appears In 29 JAN 1989 Script The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesn't WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner, Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta, Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still won't talk, eh, Earthling? Our hero's mind races furiously! He's had his chance! Let's make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long, Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast!
Description Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.
Appears In 15 MAY 1989 Script Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Appears In 16 MAY 1989 Script OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
Description Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests "The Hobbes Fan Club". Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club". Hobbes likes his idea better.
Appears In 18 MAY 1989 Script Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.
Appears In 19 MAY 1989 Script I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Description Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.
Appears In 20 MAY 1989 Script OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
Description Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about.
Appears In 12 JULY 1989 Script Whenever I cook an egg, I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open, so I don't have any depth perception. It's pretty hard that way. See, the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Let's see if there's another carton in the fridge, will ya?
Description Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge.
Appears In 08 AUG 1989 Script I've been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it's a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole "Dad" stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy's in trouble! Maybe Dad's a masked superhero! If that's true, he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesn't even have a cassette deck.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this "Dad" stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck.
Appears In 08 OCT 1989 Script Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.
Appears In 13 OCT 1989 Script Uh oh, it's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY! She can't discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly, STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6-year-old alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately, STUPENDOUS MAN's cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvin's zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one, I can tell. Geez, Mom! Can't a guy have a little privacy?!
Description Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his arch-nemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one.
Appears In 31 OCT 1989 Script I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one "fact" you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK?
Description Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report.
Appears In 14 DEC 1989 Script Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn't have to know about this, right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. OK, OK, I'll even apologize! I'm sorry. How's that? See, it's OK to fight just a little bit if you say you're sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! "Dear Santa, know what Calvin did today?"
Description Calvin stops again and tells Hobbes that since no one saw them fighting, it can be their little secret. He says Santa doesn't have to know about this. Hobbes isn't sure if Santa does or not. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes. Hobbes replies that Calvin bit and kicked. Calvin says he apologized and wonders what else Hobbes wants. Hobbes says Calvin could let him read all his comic books. Calvin replies "Over my dead body". Hobbes pretends to write Santa a note about what Calvin did today.
Appears In 07 APR 1990 Script There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
Description Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.
Appears In 09 APR 1990 Script There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Description Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.
Appears In 07 JUNE 1990 Script Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Description Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad asks if it's important. Calvin tells him to forget he called him "Dad". He says it's not Calvin. Dad tells him he has work to do and that he'll see him when he gets home. Calvin asks if he has any crimes to report. Standing in his Stupendous Man costume, Calvin says this secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Appears In 20 AUG 1990 Script This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for, sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. It's 10:32. Thank you. At this time we'll have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers.
Description Calvin calls a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order. President and First Tiger Hobbes gives an attendance report. Club Secretary General Hobbes gives the minutes. Calvin then calls for a field report from Top Scout Calvin. Hobbes says you can tell this is a great club because they have so many officers.
Appears In 23 AUG 1990 Script There! I finished our secret code! Let's see. I assigned a totally random number, so that code will be hard to crack. For letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. "B" is 28,731,569 1/2. That's a good code all right. Now we just commit this to memory. Did you finish your map of our neighbourhood? Not yet. How many bricks does the front walk have?
Description Calvin has finished the secret code. He has assigned each letter a totally random number. For instance, for the letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. Hobbes admits that's a good code. Calvin says they only have to commit it to memory. He asks if Hobbes has finished the map of their neighborhood. Hobbes isn't quite done yet. He asks how many bricks there are on the front walk.
Appears In 08 SEPT 1990 Script Well, this is certainly a sorry chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history! First tiger Hobbes, a traitor to the cuase! It might interest you to know that after I won Susie's confidence, I did some spying. Spying? You were a spy? I read an open page of Susie's diary. Wow! Deep in enemy territory, you intercepted a secret message? What did it say? It said, "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head!" Then our club is a success! Brilliant work, Hobbes! Promotions for everyone! Welcome back!
Description Calvin declares this a sad chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history. Hobbes says he did some spying after gaining Susie's confidence. He says he read an open page of Susie's diary. Excited that Hobbes intercepted a secret message deep in enemy territory, he asks what it said. Hobbes tells him "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head". Calvin says their club is a success. He welcomes Hobbes back and offers promotions for everyone.
Appears In 25 NOV 1990 Script Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
Description There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them.
Appears In 15 FEB 1991 Script From high in the sky, STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earth's strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished, the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin, Susie's Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
Description Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.
Appears In 31 MAR 1991 Script It's true, Hobbes, ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're wilfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! We're heading for that cliff! I don't want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this.
Description Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.
Appears In 26 APR 1991 Script If you're club's called "Calvin's A Dope", then I'm changing the name of THIS club to "Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball"! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on we're bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes! They'll all be better than yours! I'm going to write myself a message in code right now! It says, "Calvin smells like a baboon!" Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT!
Description Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not.
Appears In 04 MAY 1991 Script They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait!
Description Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait.
Appears In 03 JUNE 1991 Script Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
Description
Appears In 04 JUNE 1991 Script That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
Description
Appears In 24 JULY 1991 Script Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
Description
Appears In 19 AUG 1991 Script Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
Description
Appears In 23 SEPT 1991 Script Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
Description
Appears In 11 FEB 1992 Script See, Hobbes, we shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. That's why I've stopped doing homework. I don't need to learn things to like myself. I'm fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough, don't you?
Description As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.
Appears In 20 FEB 1992 Script This snowman doesn't look especially avant-garde. Actually, it's VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement, "neo-regionalism". I'm appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and I'll make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? It's secretly ironic.
Description Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic.
Appears In 25 MAR 1992 Script Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class, Calvin. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Description Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin can tell her what Lewis and Clark did. Calvin says no, but he offers to recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Miss Wormwood tells him to see her after class. Calvin dejectedly says he's not dumb. He just has a command of thoroughly useless information.
Appears In 17 MAY 1992 Script Calvin, I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! I'm not touching it!
Description Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this.
Appears In 18 SEPT 1992 Script OK, there's a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah, but people believe what they see, and now we've got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning, huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesn't keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait. Ooh, now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe!
Description Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books.
Appears In 05 NOV 1992 Script Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres, untraceable cut-out letters, and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh, the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when I'll find out. It's a good thing you're the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom!
Description Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom.
Appears In 06 NOV 1992 Script This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!
Description Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on.
Appears In 07 NOV 1992 Script I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be "C". Next is 1. So that's "A". This is fun! Hey! This says, "Calvin is a porridge brain!" It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
Description Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.
Appears In 10 NOV 1992 Script Look, Hobbes, the skull! It's another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says, "You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha." The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You don't LOOK like a baboon. OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP!
Description Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads "You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha". Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help.
Appears In 08 JAN 1993 Script Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
Description Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares.
Appears In 28 JAN 1993 Script The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way, the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also, I don't use milk. I just heat the syrup.,
Description Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup.
Appears In 28 FEB 1993 Script Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
Description Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.
Appears In 01 MAR 1993 Script Where's Calvin? Didn't he come back from the drinking fountain? I'll bet he's at his locker, Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! It's STUPENDOUS MAN's fiendish nemesis, the crab teacher, coming to finish him off! Calvin?
Description Miss Wormwood notices Calvin hasn't come back from the water fountain. Susie tells her Calvin might be at his locker, since he brought something to help with the test. Miss Wormwood walks down the hall, thinking "Five years until retirement". Inside the locker, Stupendous Man sees his nemesis, the Crab Teacher, coming for him.
Appears In 10 JUNE 1993 Script I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh, I don't. If you have a machine, you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls you'd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine, you can just let the phone ring, and eventually the caller gives up and you don't have to talk to him. That wasn't quite my point. That's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so I'm always talking to people.
Description Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people.
Appears In 07 AUG 1993 Script TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES, IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON, ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message, she'll be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young.
Description The coded message to Hobbes says their plans will be ruined if Susie goes behind the house at noon. Calvin's regret is blowing the best day of his life while he's so young.
Appears In 09 AUG 1993 Script Good! Susie's still playing on the sidewalk! We'll stroll by and "accidentally" drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes, I have a TOP SECRET, CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesn't fall into a GIRL'S hands! If the code is broken and read, our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except she's not picking up the letter.
Description Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter.
Appears In 10 AUG 1993 Script Why isn't Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesn't she SEE it?? What's WRONG with her?! Doesn't she know enough to intercept somebody else's secret letter when it's dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasn't paying attention to us. That's inconceivable! Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
Description Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.
Appears In 12 AUG 1993 Script Let's stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN, Hobbes! Yes, lets! It's a good think you have that TOP SECRET, CODED letter, Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE, and I FOUND THE LETTER, I'd PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT, so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! She's opening the letter! Good. I was afraid we'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
Description Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
Appears In 13 AUG 1993 Script This must be the coded letter Calvin's trying to get me to read. Hmph, not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. "Dear Hobbes, if Susie goes behind our house at noon, all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin." Gosh, it's almost noon! I'd better hurry over to Calvin's house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! C'mon Hobbes, hurry!
Description Susie reads the coded note. She's suspicious. She yells that she better hurry over to spoil their plans. Calvin says she fell for it, so off they go.
Appears In 10 OCT 1993 Script Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Description A pile of leaves rises up and chases Calvin. It catches up to him and crashes down on him. Calvin digs his way out. Dad sees the pile of leaves lying all scattered and raises his hands in protest. Calvin raises his hands in protest that he didn't do it.
Appears In 15 DEC 1993 Script Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps.
Description Calvin writes Santa a letter complaining he didn't receive the 15000 items he requested last year. He concludes Santa's secretarial staff is a bunch of underpaid and unprepared temps, with his letter being misfiled. He offers Santa the option of writing a check to him for five million dollars, so that he can buy the stuff himself. Calvin tells Hobbes that he won't be disappointed this year. Hobbes suggests leaving out the part about the temps.
Appears In 13 FEB 1994 Script The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
Description Calvin gets a valentine card in the mail. Hobbes tells him to read it. Calvin reads a love poem from Susie. Hobbes torments Calvin, saying there are muchas smooches for El Conkisstador. Calvin thinks this is a nightmare, while Hobbes shouts that Susie and Calvin love each other. Calvin wonders what to do. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Calvin gets a slushball and pelts Susie with it. He says that's what he thinks about her valentine card. Susie didn't send him a card. Susie runs off. Calvin wonders who did send it. Hobbes is singing "Matchmaker". Calvin realizes Hobbes tricked him. He chases Hobbes. Hobbes says love makes the world go round. Calvin threatens that Hobbes will see stars go round.
Appears In 23 APR 1994 Script There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
Description
Appears In 25 APR 1994 Script There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Description
Appears In 30 MAY 1994 Script Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Description
Appears In 31 MAY 1994 Script OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
Description
Appears In 02 JUNE 1994 Script Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
Description
Appears In 03 JUNE 1994 Script I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Description
Appears In 04 JUNE 1994 Script OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
Description
Appears In 30 JUNE 1994 Script Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Description
Appears In 31 JULY 1994 Script The center snaps the ball to the quarterback! No he doesn't? NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball! A traitor! Calvin beaks for the goal! Whee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him! Nobody WANTS to! You're running toward your own goal! Huh?! When I learned you were a spy, I switched goals this is YOUR goal and mine's hidden! HIDDEN?! You'll never find it in a million years! I don't need to find it! As a traitor to your team, crossing MY goal counts as crossing YOUR goal! Ah, you might THINK so... In fact, I KNOW so! But the place I hid MY goal is right on top of YOUR goal, so the points will go to ME! But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll LOSE points if I cross your goal! Ha ha! But I'M a traitor too, so I'm really on YOUR team! I WANT you to cross my goal! The points will go to YOUR team, which is really MY team! That would be true... IF I were a football player! You mean...? I'm actually a badminton player DISGUISED as a double-agent football player!! And I'M secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player! Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball. No cheating!
Description
Appears In 07 MAR 1995 Script Today for "Show and Tell", I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! It's a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You'll never, EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I'll never end your torment! I'll carry my secret to the grave! It's the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing.
Description Calvin tells the class he refuses to show what he brought for "show and tell". He says it's a mystery that will haunt them all their miserable lives. They can beg, but he won't end their torment. He says he'll take his secret to the grave. It's the show and tell that was never shown or told. He laughs. Marching to the principal's office, Calvin says everybody wants the same old thing.
Appears In 29 MAR 1995 Script OK, we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesn't need a secret code. Ahem. "Section IV, Article 12: Every secret plan needs a secret code. A. The more complicated the better. B. Everybody already knows pig latin. C. Phrases like 'code blue' are cool." Our club charter never lies. That's why this is such a great club.
Description Calvin asks if Hobbes understands the secret plan. He does, but he asks about the secret code. Calvin says the secret plan doesn't need one. Hobbes shows their club charter, which indicates every secret plan needs a secret code. Calvin says the club charter never lies. Hobbes says that's why this is such a great club.
Appears In 02 APR 1995 Script Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
Description Dad puts his bicycle together. Calvin laughs at Dad in his riding gear. Dad rides along with cars yelling at him. He falls down a hill. Bandaged and bruised, Dad returns home carrying the bicycle. Calvin laughs at him again. In the tub, Dad says the secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
Appears In 01 MAY 1995 Script I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments.
Appears In 08 MAY 1995 Script "Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President of the United States. P.S. Really." Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive.
Description Miss Wormwood reads a note from the President of the United States, indicating Calvin should be excused because his genius is required on a matter of national security. Miss Wormwood looks at Calvin and tells him it was a nice try. Calvin sits down, grumbling that he needs to learn how to write in cursive.
Appears In 19 MAY 1995 Script PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly, I was hoping for a deafening explosion.
Description Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches the large bubble drift along. It pops. Calvin says that secretly he was hoping for a deafening explosion.
Appears In 07 JULY 1995 Script I'm writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they're systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It's a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight! How cynically unconstructive. Enmity sells.
Description Calvin is writing a fund-raising letter. He tells Hobbes the secret is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. You explain how they're destroying everything you hold dear. It's a war of values. Rational discussion is hopeless. We need your money to keep up the fight. Hobbes says that's cynically unconstructive. Calvin informs him that enmity sells.
Appears In 24 SEPT 1995 Script I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin doesn't snap the ball, because he's the quarterback for the other team. He's a traitor. Calvin heads for the goal. Hobbes says he's running the wrong way. When he learned Calvin was a spy, he switched goals. Calvin's is hidden. Calvin says as a traitor, crossing his goal counts as crossing Hobbes' goal. Hobbes says Calvin's goal is hidden right under Hobbes', so the points will go to him. Calvin says he's really a double-agent. Hobbes will lose points if Calvin crosses his goal. Hobbes retorts that he's also a traitor. The points will go to Calvin's team, which is really his team. Calvin admits that would be true, except he's really a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player. Hobbes is secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player. Calvin says sooner or later, all their games turn into Calvinball.
Appears In 21 NOV 1995 Script Hello? Hi Mom, it's Calvin. Is something wrong? You're supposed to be in school! It's recess. I'm fine. Then why are you calling me? Actually, I'm calling Hobbes. Would you put him on? I gotta get my own secretary.
Description Calvin calls Mom at home. She asks if something is wrong. Calvin is fine and is at recess. Mom asks why he's calling her. He says he's actually calling Hobbes and asks Mom to put him on the phone. Calvin trudges away, saying he has to get his own secretary.
Appears In
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