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18 NOV 1985
So long Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! They like tuna fish, huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. We're kind of stupid that way. Munch Munch
Calvin is off to check his tiger trap. Since Calvin baited it with a tuna fish sandwich, he's sure he'll have caught a tiger. Calvin tells his Dad that tigers will do anything for tuna fish. Hobbes, hanging by his foot in the trap, says tigers are kind of stupid that way.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1985
So Dad, what do I do when I catch a tiger? Bring it home and stuff it Calvin! Can't you see I'm busy? Sheesh. No, really, I couldn't eat another bite!
Calvin asks Dad what he should do when he catches a tiger. Perturbed, Dad replies Calvin should bring it home and stuff it. Hobbes, sitting in the kitchen, tells Calvin (who's looking for more food in the refrigerator) he can't eat another bite.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1985
What's all this noise? You're supposed to be asleep! It was Hobbes, Dad! He was jumping on the bed! Honest! "Hobbes" was not jumping on the bed! Now go to sleep! You were too jumping on the bed! Well, you were the one playing the cymbals!!
Dad yells at Calvin to go to sleep and to quit making noise. Calvin blames Hobbes for jumping on the bed. Dad says Hobbes was not jumping on the bed, and that Calvin should go to sleep. Calvin tells Hobbes that he was the one jumping on the bed. Hobbes says Calvin was the one playing the cymbals.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1985
Show and tell is over, Calvin. Please put your "tiger" in your locker. In my locker?! He'll suffocate! Well, at least put him under your chair. Whey! That was a close one! I'll say! Sever plus three. Seventy-three.
Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to put his tiger in his locker. Calvin protests that Hobbes would suffocate. Miss Wormwood allows Calvin to put Hobbes under his seat. Calvin is relieved and promptly asks Hobbes for some math assistance.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1985
Good night, Calvin. 'night Dad! Hey! Aren't you going to say good night to Hobbes?! Good night, Hobbes. That's it?! No story? No smooch?? Go to sleep, you sissy.
Dad tells Calvin good night. As he's leaving, Calvin asks if he isn't going to say good night to Hobbes. Dad does so. Hobbes complains about there being no story or smooch. Calvin calls Hobbes a sissy and tells him to go to bed.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1985
What's this? Taste it. You'll love it. You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what it is.
Calvin looks at his dinner plate and asks Dad what it is. Dad replies Calvin should taste it, he'll like it. Calvin thinks you know you'll hate it when they won't tell you what it is.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1985
Outrage! Why should I go to bed? I'm not tired! It's only 7:30! This is tyranny! I'm ZZZZ Good night, Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. You're safe. What about the dresser? Calvin, I'm sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. I'll bet that's where they all are. They'll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So who's going to fall asleep? Well, we'll just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn, and I'll nail 'em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! What's all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and I'll finish him off!
Calvin asks Dad to check under the bed for monsters, which he does. Then, he asks to have the dresser checked. Dad refuses. Calvin is sure that's where the monsters will be hiding, and that they'll come out when Calvin goes to sleep. Calvin decides to be proactive by arming himself with a suction dart gun and giving Hobbes a horn. The plan is to irritate the monsters by honking the horn, then shooting them. As they execute their plan, a monster comes in the door. Dad, with several suction darts sticking to him, asks Mom to come upstairs. Calvin is heard saying he was going to finish off the monster when he found his baseball bat.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1985
Any monsters under my bed tonight!! Well there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower! You have a flame thrower?? They lie. I lie.
Calvin asks whether there are any monsters in his room tonight. Multiple replies of "no" come from under the bed. Calvin threatens to use a flamethrower on any monster coming out. Hobbes asks whether Calvin really has a flamethrower. Calvin replies that if the monsters can lie, so can he.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1985
Mom, can I drive on the way back? Of course not, Calvin. Can I just steer then? I promise I won't crash. No, Calvin. Can I work the gas and brakes while you steer? No, Calvin. You never let me do anything.
Calvin asks his Mom whether he can drive the car home. Mom replies no. Calvin wonders if he could steer the car. Mom replies no. Calvin asks whether he can work the gas and brakes. Again, Mom says no. Calvin replies his Mom never lets him do anything.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1985
Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings, a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare winds through this happy municipality. Here, a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically, this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover dam...
Calvin is in the sandbox. He sees the bustling city with new buildings. He describes the farmer going to market. Calvin then fills up a bucket with water. He then mentions that the serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover Dam.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1985
This smells like bat barf! That does it, young man! You are excused to your room! Don't you think that's a little harsh, dear? He'll get hungry. Calvin has got to learn some manners! He won't starve to death. ...and extra pepperoni!
Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1985
We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man! The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer! Moments from the torture chamber, Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass?
Miss Wormwood takes Calvin to the office to see the principal. Spaceman Spiff is captured and is being taken for torture. He knows the aliens are after the formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer. Spiff springs into action. The principal asks Miss Wormwood why Calvin is eating his hall pass.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1985
Do you believe in fate? You mean, that our lives are predestined? Yeah ... that the things we do are inevitable. What a scary thought!
Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill as Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in fate. Hobbes questions whether Calvin means our lives are predestined. Calvin confirms that he is thinking that the things they do are inevitable. As they fly into the air after flying off the end of a pier, Hobbes states that is a scary thought.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1985
No! goodness, what was all that fuss? Oh, Calvin didn't want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! I'm doomed. I can't believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! I've got you now, kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I don't want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die, fiend! Die, die!! Don't tell me he's letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
Calvin is placed into the tub for a bath. He can't believe his parents would do that to him. Suddenly, a suds monster rises from the tub and attacks Calvin. As the battle goes on, Mom yells up to Calvin to quiet down. Calvin gets the best of the suds monster and sends the fiend to his death. As Mom comments to Dad about Calvin letting the water out already, Calvin walks by naked and tells her to believe it.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1985
Bad news, dad. Your polls are way down. My polls? You rate especially low among tigers and six-year-old white males. If you want to stay "Dad" I'd suggest you adopt some key planks to your platform. Some special interest groups are in for a surprise. Of those polled, virtually all flavor increased allowances and the commencement of driving lessons.
Dad is informed his poll scores are low, especially with 6-year-olds. Dad will have to adopt some key planks to keep his position. Dad comments that some special interest groups are going to be in for a surprise.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1985
There's a new girl in our class. Well! What's her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No!
Hobbes asks Calvin about the new girl in school. Calvin doesn't know her name. Hobbes wonders if she's nice. Calvin doesn't care. Hobbes asks the big question of whether Calvin likes her, which gets an emphatic NO reply.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1985
Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak! She's cute, isn't she?? Go away.
Calvin sees the new girl coming and yells a question asking if that's Susie Derkins' face or if a possum is stuck in her collar. He then yells that she should have a debilitating brain aneurysm. Hobbes says she's cute, to which Calvin wants Hobbes to go away.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1985
Hi Calvin. Mind if I join you for lunch? Yes. I have soup today. What do you have? A squid eyeball sandwich. You do not! Don't be disgusting. I like to suck out the retinas. Miss Wormwood! Care for a bite? Or were you leaving?
Susie asks to join Calvin eating lunch. Calvin tells Susie he has a squid eyeball sandwich. Susie doesn't believe him and tells him not to be so disgusting. Calvin replies by indicating he likes to suck out the retinas. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood, while Calvin asks whether she wants a bite of his sandwich or was just leaving.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1985
You can't come up here, Susie! No girls allowed. What on earth makes you think I'd want to sit up in a stupid tree in the first place?!? Leave it to a girl, to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
Calvin, up in a tree house, tells Susie she can't come up and that no girls are allowed. Susie wonders why he would think she'd want to sit up in a tree anyway. Calvin thinks about that and decides she's taken all the fun out of sex discrimination.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1985
Wheee! Houston, we have a negative on that orbit trajectory.
Calvin is swinging and lets himself go. As he flies into the air, he realizes he has a problem. He calls Houston to report a negative on that orbit trajectory.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1985
Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world ... I'll set my Mertilizer on "deep fat fry." Calvin! You're not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! What's that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me, Fred.
Miss Wormwood calls to Calvin about not paying attention. Spaceman Spiff shoots the atomic napalm neutralizer at the snarling cur, but to no avail. Spiff runs off to a nearby cave, where he smells something awful. Suddenly, a light comes on, and Spiff finds himself in the midst of several monsters. Calvin runs out of the teachers lounge, as they ask who that was.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1985
Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
Calvin is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth watching soap operas. He hears dialog about Mary's skimpy negligee, about the couple being married (but to other people), and a plan to murder their spouses. Calvin thinks he learns more when he stays home from school.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1985
Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress? No, Calvin. Can I ride my tricycle on the roof? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.
Calvin asks if he can set fire to his mattress. Mom replies no. He then asks if he can ride his tricycle on the roof. Mom replies no. Calvin then asks for a cookie. Again, Mom replies no. Calvin realizes she's onto him.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1985
No, Mom! Don't put me to bed! I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9 p.m.! Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a bath! Listen, just because you never take one ...
Mom is carrying Calvin to bed. Calvin warns that Hobbes will messily devour anyone bringing him to bed before 9:00. Mom shows that Hobbes is in the washing machine. In bed, Calvin complains that was a fine time for Hobbes to take a bath.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1985
Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
As Hobbes is drawing a picture, Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched the movie on TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks whether Hobbes watched the game. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched any TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks what he did watch.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1985
Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
Calvin has a stand by the sidewalk selling insurance. Susie stops by and says what a dumb idea that is and asks why anyone would buy insurance from him. Calvin then pulls out a slingshot and fires a round at Susie.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1985
Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
Calvin climbs out his bedroom window on sheets bound together. He walks along in the darkness. Calvin stops at a pay phone to call Dad. Calvin states it's now three in the morning, and does Dad know where Calvin is?
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1985
We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly, a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiff's alive! He made it!! I'm alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings, Calvin.
Spiff is being pursued. His hyper-freem drive fails. A frap ray nearly misses. Finally, Spiff is hit. He's going down and wonders if he'll make it. As Calvin lands on the ground after coming down the slide, he kisses the sweet ground. Miss Wormwood thinks maybe Calvin should play on the swings instead.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1985
Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
Mom asks whether Calvin is bringing Hobbes to school again. She asks whether the kids make fun of him for doing that. Calvin replies that Tommy Chesnutt did, but no one did anymore. Mom asks what happened to Tommy. Calvin replies that Hobbes ate him. Hobbes comments that Tommy needed a bath.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1985
Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute.
Dad comes into the bedroom yelling that Calvin is making too much noise and is supposed to be asleep. Calvin replies he's hitting monsters under the bed. He's using a baseball bat. Dad shows Calvin he's mistaken by pulling Hobbes out from under the bed. Calvin says it's a good thing he occasionally missed with the bat. Hobbes agrees and asks to see the bat for a minute.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1985
Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
Calvin is playing with some toys. He has a sports car going 200 miles an hour. He has a cement truck coming in. Then, he has an inflammable chemical truck driving up. Calvin looks up and says this ought to be good.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1985
Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
Calvin is digging trenches in the yard, then building dirt berms. Mom comes out yelling at Calvin about what he's doing to the yard. Calvin replies he's making speed bumps.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1985
I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if we're good or if we're bad?
Calvin and Hobbes are lying on a hill. Calvin wonders where they go when they die. They think about it awhile, and Hobbes wonders if it's Pittsburgh. Calvin wonders whether Hobbes is referring to where they go if they're good or if they're bad.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1985
We're lost again. Ha! We're brave explorers! The word lost isn't even in our vocabulary! How about the word "Mommy"? Mommmyyy!!
Calvin and Hobbes are wandering in the tall grass. Hobbes says they're lost again. Calvin, in his pith helmet, says that "lost" isn't in the vocabulary of brave explorers. Hobbes wonders if "mommy" is. They both cry out "mommy".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1985
There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! "Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... " Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
Calvin finishes building a snow fortress. As he and Hobbes are inside, Calvin rants about being invincible. That the fort is impenetrable, and that they rule and are immune to any onslaught. Calvin then looks over at Hobbes, who is grinning widely. Hobbes then smacks Calvin with a snowball.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1985
Hey! Where's the stocking for Hobbes? Where's Santa gonna stick Hobbes' loot, if Hobbes doesn't have a stocking?!? Okay, okay ... I'll make Hobbes a stocking. Don't worry. Make it big, but not as big as mine. "...Hobbes' loot"?? don't look at me! I'm done shopping!
Calvin notices there isn't a stocking over the fireplace for Hobbes. Calvin asks where Santa will put Hobbes' loot if there is no stocking. Mom assures Calvin she'll make a stocking for Hobbes. Mom looks over at Dad and asks about Hobbes' loot. Dad says not to look at him, he's done shopping.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1985
Are you still awake? Of course! It's midnight. Let's go! As soon as he drops the bag down, you grab it and I'll close the flue!
Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin asks whether Hobbes is still awake, which he is. Downstairs they go. They wait at the fireplace, and Calvin says when Santa drops his bag down, Hobbes should grab it and Calvin will close the flue.
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25 DEC 1985
Uh, Hobbes? ... I forgot to get you a present. I didn't even make you a card ... I'm sorry Hobbes. I didn't mean to forget. It's okay, little buddy. I didn't get you anything either. But here's a tiger hug for being my best friend. Not so hard, you big sissy. You squeeze my tears out. Merry Christmas.
Calvin looks at Hobbes with sad eyes and apologizes for not getting Hobbes a gift or a card. Hobbes says it's alright, as he didn't get anything for Calvin. Hobbes gives Calvin a big tiger hug for being his best friend. Calvin calls Hobbes a big sissy and tells Hobbes he is squeezing Calvin so hard tears are coming out. Hobbes tells him "Merry Christmas".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1985
How long do you think it is till bedtime? Oh, six or seven hours, I imagine. Why do you ask? With any luck, mom will notice we're missing by then.
Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill as Calvin asks how long it will be till bedtime. Hobbes guesses six or seven hours and wonders why Calvin asked. As they fly off the hill, Calvin hopes his Mom will notice they're missing by then.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1985
Calvin! What are you doing to the coffee table?!? Is this some sort of trick question, or what?
Calvin is hammering nails into a table. Mom runs out yelling, asking Calvin what he's doing. Calvin looks at the nails in the table and asks whether that's a trick question or something.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1985
Hey Calvin, you want to play "house"? I don't know. How do you play? Okay ... first, you come home from work. Then I come home from work. We'll gripe about our jobs, and then we'll argue over whose turn it is to microwave dinner.
Susie asks Calvin whether he wants to play house. Calvin asks how you play. Susie explains that he comes home from work, then she does. Then, they argue about their jobs and about who will microwave dinner.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1985
Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
Calvin is sitting at the table with a bowl of oatmeal. Mom tells Calvin to eat the oatmeal, not play with it. The oatmeal jumps out of its bowl and bounces around the table. Calvin stabs at it while yelling "death to oatmeal". He chases the vile glop around. Mom comes to the kitchen and sees the mess. Mom then yells at Dad. She says it's Dad's fault they didn't have a sweet girl. It's his chromosome that was the problem. Dad watches Mom go off, sits back into his chair and says he just lives there.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1985
It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
Hobbes is reading a newspaper while Calvin watches TV. Hobbes reads that by age 6, children have seen a million murders on TV. Calvin finds that very disturbing. He believes he's been watching all the wrong channels.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1985
I'm not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea, Calvin. It's a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
Calvin is at the dinner table and refuses to eat the green stuff. Dad replies that it's toxic waste that will turn him into a mutant if he eats it. Calvin devours the meal. Mom says there has to be a better way to get him to eat.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1986
Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
Calvin comes into the living room asking Dad why he lives there with Mom instead of in an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates. Dad looks up with eyes wide open. Calvin trudges off grumbling about how you ask a simple question, and you get your television privileges revoked.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1986
Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever kissed a girl. Hobbes replies that he has kissed a few. Calvin asks what it was like. Hobbes grabs Calvin and plants a big kiss on him and says "only a lot more so". Calvin tries to clean his lips while he says he was hoping it wasn't so fuzzy.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1986
What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he finds attractive in women. Hobbes replies that he has always been partial to redheads...with green eyes...and long whiskers.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1986
Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!
Calvin, the werewolf, looks for a human sacrifice. He trudges past Dad, mouth hanging open, saying hi, and Dad replies back. Then, Dad yells for Calvin to stop drooling.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1986
I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
Calvin smacks Susie in the back of the head with a snowball. Susie, enraged, rolls up a huge snowball. Calvin taunts Susie about the size of the snowball and her inability to throw it. Susie walks up to Calvin, picks him up, and deposits him in the snowball.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1986
All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
Miss Wormwood asks the class who will be the first to do his book report. Calvin, sitting at his desk with a smile on his face, is chosen. Calvin just sits there as Miss Wormwood calls his name again. Then, Spaceman Spiff pulls his death ray blaster as the monster approaches him.
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07 JAN 1986
2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.
Calvin sits at his desk looking at a math problem. He answers that he cannot answer that question as it is against his religious principles. Calvin figures it's worth a shot.
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08 JAN 1986
Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill, and Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks happens when they die. After thinking about it, Hobbes replies they play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in heaven. Hobbes replies to call it what you like.
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09 JAN 1986
We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?
Calvin and Hobbes are in their treehouse, wearing paper hats and brandishing swords. They're a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep an eye out so no girls come on board. Calvin reiterates that they're a murderous bunch of pirates. Hobbes wants to know who they smooch.
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10 JAN 1986
What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.
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11 JAN 1986
We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.
Calvin and Hobbes are on a Cub Scout trip, but are hopelessly lost again. Calvin replies that he's always prepared. With his full backpack, they can stay out for weeks. As Hobbes grabs one of the dozens of comic books from the backpack, he comments that they can do that as long as they don't get hungry.
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12 JAN 1986
I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.
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13 JAN 1986
Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.
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14 JAN 1986
That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
Calvin fumes from being humiliated and vows Susie will be sorry if she passes another note to him. Susie then does just that. She gives Calvin another secret note for Jessica. This time, Calvin yells to Miss Wormwood that Susie is passing notes and that she should read the note to the class. Miss Wormwood reads the note telling Jessica that Calvin is a squealer. Calvin murmurs a comment to Susie about hoping she knows a good dentist.
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15 JAN 1986
Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
Susie and Calvin are on their way to the principal's office as Susie stops to wonder if they'll get paddled. She believes she won't because she's a girl. Calvin wonders why that makes a difference. Susie informs him that girls have more delicate heinies.
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16 JAN 1986
Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!
Susie is complaining to Calvin about not wanting to get spanked. She's worried it will go on their academic transcripts. She sniffles. Then, she unleashes a threat to Calvin that he'll answer to her parents if Susie doesn't get a Master's degree.
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17 JAN 1986
Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job.
The principal calls Susie and Calvin into his office. Susie yells that it's all Calvin's fault. Calvin yells that Susie's started it. Calvin wants to know if they're getting spanked. Susie promises to never pass notes again. They both cry and wish they were dead. The principal looks up and thinks that he hates his job.
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18 JAN 1986
Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...
The principal tells Susie and Calvin he wants them to pay more attention in class. Susie agrees. The principal tells them to return to their class. Susie heads off. Calvin just stands in front of the principal's desk as he repeats himself about going back to class. Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" as the Zorg draws near.
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19 JAN 1986
It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.
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20 JAN 1986
... and with that report, we ... click beeeoooop click rats.
Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says "rats" when nothing happens.
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21 JAN 1986
Mom, can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not, Calvin. Don't be ridiculous. Why can't I? Because you'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said don't do it. Okay, okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in?
Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.
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22 JAN 1986
What's this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. You'll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I don't love it?!? Then it will build character. That's my dad. Always looking out for me.
Calvin asks Dad what this disgusting slimy blob on his plate is. Dad replies that he should try it. Calvin wants to know what if he does try it and doesn't like it. Dad replies that if that happens he will build character. As Calvin peeks over his dinner plate, he comments on how Dad is always looking out for him.
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23 JAN 1986
Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? I'm coming. See? I told you it wouldn't work! Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.
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24 JAN 1986
Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well, I wonder how one finds out! ... here, let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. Hobbes says no. Calvin then wonders how a person would find out. Hobbes asks to see the back of Calvin's shirt. He then informs Calvin that he came from Taiwan.
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25 JAN 1986
Hey Mom, when's lunch? Later Calvin. I'm busy. But I'm hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious.
Calvin comes in the door and yells a question about when lunch is to his Mom. She's busy in the kitchen. Calvin yells that he's hungry and wants to eat now. Calvin receives a map to the refrigerator.
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26 JAN 1986
McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
Spaceman Spiff is going down. He fights to control his damaged spacecraft. Spiff careens through the alien canyon but ejects right before impact. Mom asks whether he's done running through the house or if he is going to fall down the steps again. Calvin thinks Spiff has regained consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.
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27 JAN 1986
Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...
Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks how Dad's day is going and comments on the pretty day. Calvin wonders if Dad will be bringing any presents home tonight. He just thought he'd ask. Then, Calvin tells Dad that he supposes he wonders why Calvin called. Calvin is standing on a ladder, wrench in hand, with water all over the floor.
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28 JAN 1986
Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...
Calvin informs Dad that his poll results took a dive. In particular, the "Overall Dad Performance" rating is especially low. The polls show Dad's drop started the day before. Dad yells that Calvin didn't get dessert the day before because he flooded the house. Calvin walks off, suggesting a new line of work for "Dad".
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29 JAN 1986
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something.
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30 JAN 1986
Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
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31 JAN 1986
Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.
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01 FEB 1986
Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.
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02 FEB 1986
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.
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03 FEB 1986
A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.
Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all.
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04 FEB 1986
Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
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05 FEB 1986
Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
As they gaze into the evening sky, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes their destinies are controlled by the stars. Hobbes believes they can do whatever they want with their lives. Calvin answers "Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it".
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06 FEB 1986
Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready.
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07 FEB 1986
I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?
Sledding down the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes in life after death, reincarnation. As they go zinging through the trees, Hobbes covers his eyes and tells Calvin to just steer.
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08 FEB 1986
Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
Mild-mannered Calvin dashes into the hall closet, where he transforms into Captain Napalm, protector of the American Way. Although Captain Napalm has superhuman powers, he cannot open the closet door and has to yell for Mom.
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09 FEB 1986
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.
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10 FEB 1986
Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.
Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.
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11 FEB 1986
Do you think it's better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think it's better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ...
As Calvin and Hobbes pull the sled up the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether it's better to live in security or to take risks and live on the edge. As the sled is ready for the trip down the hill, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the sled. Calvin states that he believes it's best to accept danger and live to the fullest. As the sled goes down the hill, Calvin says that by Hobbes' silence, he must agree with Calvin. However, Hobbes isn't on the back of the sled after all.
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12 FEB 1986
I'm making Susie Derkins a valentine. She's a cutie, all right. See, I made a big red heart. Now I'm putting lace around it. That's very sweet. I'm sure she'll like it. Susie, I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin.
Calvin sits at a desk at home making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes comments on how cute Susie is. Calvin is putting lace around the heart-shaped valentine. Hobbes is sure Susie will like it. Calvin writes that he hates her, and that she should drop dead.
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13 FEB 1986
I'd like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through?
Calvin goes to a florist to get a valentine bouquet. The worker comments on what a sweet little boy he is. Calvin doesn't see what he's looking for. When the worker asks if he had something special in mind, Calvin replies he was hoping for a dumpster he could root through.
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14 FEB 1986
Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.
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15 FEB 1986
No text
Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin walks by dressed in his coat and hat. Puzzled, Mom goes upstairs and opens the bedroom door. There, she finds Calvin has opened the window letting snow into the room. Calvin is working on a snowman. Mom just covers her face.
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16 FEB 1986
Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.
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17 FEB 1986
Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends.
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18 FEB 1986
I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...
Calvin tells Hobbes he got the new record from Scrambled Debutante. He shows Hobbes the lyric sheet and tells Hobbes the songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and deliberate use of dangerous drugs. Hobbes is sure Mom will have conniptions if she sees the lyrics lying around. Calvin says he sure didn't buy the record for the music, as he throws the album into the trash can.
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19 FEB 1986
Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal.
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20 FEB 1986
Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he's not paying attention again. Spaceman Spiff is trapped. He dives for the air lock. Miss Wormwood grabs his shirt as he's hanging out the school window. She tells him, "Nice try, Calvin".
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21 FEB 1986
I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room.
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22 FEB 1986
Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?
In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.
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23 FEB 1986
Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1986
I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1986
Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.
Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1986
Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
Dad informs Calvin that he and Mom have decided Calvin should have an allowance. With that, he will learn the value of money. Calvin hunches over, rubs his hands together, and rants that he's rich, can buy off anyone, and that the world is his. As Calvin continues to rant about power, prestige, and being free, Dad yells to Mom that he blew it again.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1986
When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.
Calvin says he wants to be a radical terrorist when he grows up, Mom just mumbles. Calvin then says he's going to inhale a can of pesticide, Mom just mumbles. Calvin says he's going to watch TV all night, Mom replies "That's what you think, Buster!" Calvin notes that you can never tell if they're listening or not.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1986
Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
Calvin notices a movie in the paper, "Vampire Sorority Babes". Hobbes points out that you need to be eighteen to enter. Calvin indicates that's no problem. The cashier at the theatre notes this is a new one as Calvin, with Hobbes on his head wearing a long coat, orders two....he means one ticket.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1986
I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.
Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1986
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Calvin asks how many monsters there are under his bed. Only one replies. Calvin and Hobbes decide they outnumber the monster and can get him with a baseball bat. As they grab the bat, the voice under the bed tells the others to quit shoving. Calvin and Hobbes yell for Mom as the monster mutters thanks to Maurice, for ruining things.
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03 MAR 1986
You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period "Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism"...also known as gym class.
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04 MAR 1986
I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
Mom hangs up the phone and says she can't find a baby-sitter anywhere. Dad suggests that since they will only be gone a couple hours, they can leave Calvin unsupervised. They both break out laughing. As both of them wipe tears of laughter away, they ask seriously, what they should do.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1986
Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."
Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1986
Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.
Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.
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07 MAR 1986
Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
Calvin, with bat on shoulder, throws a baseball into the air. He takes a big swing at it and hits the ball. SMASH! Glass shatters. Calvin happily notes that it was only his first try.
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08 MAR 1986
Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
Calvin is in the sandbox happily making a sand city. He declares it downtown Tokyo. He yells and stomps through the sand city. He declares it Godzilla.
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09 MAR 1986
How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, "4 Sale Cheep".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1986
Boy, is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look, was this my idea?
Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAR 1986
Oh no, I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? It's somewhere in this field. We'll never find it. You'll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? It's 25 cents!!
Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow.
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12 MAR 1986
Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isn't that weird?
Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1986
Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved, and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes, ok? Ma'am? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on!
Calvin sits in the barber's chair for a haircut. Calvin orders the top shaved, the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes. Mom tells the barber to give Calvin the usual. Calvin comments the barber knows which side his bread is buttered on.
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14 MAR 1986
There, how's that look? That's great. Perfect. Without question, this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ...
Finished, the barber gives Calvin a mirror and asks what he thinks. Calvin gushes about how great the haircut looks and is probably the best he's ever received. Calvin knows better than to criticize a guy with a razor.
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15 MAR 1986
Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halley's comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they aren't. that's just superstition. Really?? Guess I'd better write that book report.
Calvin comments that it's too bad the world is ending soon. Hobbes asks for clarification. Calvin tells him comets are harbingers of doom, and that Halley's Comet spells the end. Hobbes informs him that is only a superstition. Calvin realizes he better write his book report.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1986
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Hobbes is eating as Calvin and he come down the hill in the wagon. Calvin offers a beverage, which then spills out of the can. Hobbes is asked if he wants dessert as items fly out of the wagon. Calvin tells him they'll be landing soon as they fly off the edge of the hill. Crashed below, Calvin declares that the seat belt light is off and thanks Hobbes for taking Flight 240, non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Hobbes reminds himself not to take the dinner flight next time.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1986
Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!
Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1986
Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
Calvin informs Dad his poll results are high and that Dad's political stock could reach a record high with a little push. Dad tells Calvin to go help Mom with the dishes. Calvin laments the political suicide of Dad's decision.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1986
Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1986
Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
Calvin stops Dad from bringing his car into the garage. Calvin says Dad needs to give him a quarter before entering. Dad asks why he should pay to put his car into his garage. Calvin informs him that if he doesn't, the garage door will be brought down onto the car. Calvin, sitting on his bed, comments that Dad is a cheapskate.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1986
A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!
Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing.
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22 MAR 1986
What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's eating. Calvin tells him it's his new favorite "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". He offers Hobbes a taste, and Hobbes chokes on the sweetness. Calvin states they're a little bland until you scoop sugar on them.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1986
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game.
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24 MAR 1986
Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...
Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".
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25 MAR 1986
Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??
Calvin offers to show Susie a magic trick. He asks for a quarter. Then, he says he'll disappear. Susie doesn't think it's very funny and starts pounding Calvin as he pleads that it was a trick.
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26 MAR 1986
Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1986
Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
Mom pokes her head into Calvin's room and tells him to rise and shine. As Calvin grumbles, she says the early bird gets the worm. Calvin doesn't think that's much of an incentive.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1986
I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.
Calvin decides he and Hobbes need to look "cooler". Calvin says cool people wear sunglasses, so he pulls out a couple pair. Hobbes wonders if it's cool to bump into things. Calvin tells him not to move, just to hang around.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1986
Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?
Calvin asks Dad if he will buy him a flamethrower. Dad tells Calvin not to be silly. Calvin fumes, then asks Dad if he'll buy it if Calvin doesn't use it in the house.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1986
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Hobbes grabs Calvin's blanket so a parachute can be made. Calvin jumps out his window, planning to float gently to the ground. Instead, he plummets to the ground and crashes. Hobbes figures Mom will have a fit about the rose bushes.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1986
I told you I'm not sick! What's that? Will it hurt? It's a tongue depressor. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a stethoscope. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor.
Calvin is in the doctor's office wondering what the doctor is doing. The doctor shows his tongue depressor, the stethoscope, and Calvin wonders if they will hurt him. Finally, the doctor pulls out an ear light. Calvin asks what that is, and the doctor tells him a cattle prod. Calvin keels over, while the doctor says little kids have no sense of humor.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1986
Hey Doc, why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? You're not going to amputate, are you? Are you?? What's that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! I'm dying! I hope you've paid your malpractice insurance, you quack!! Where's my mom??!
Calvin is in the doctor's office getting his arm swabbed. He asks if the doctor is going to put a leech on it, if he's being bled, or going to amputate. As Mom is reading a magazine, Calvin yells that the shot went through his arm. He yells that he's dying and hopes the doctor's malpractice insurance is paid up. Calvin calls him a quack and yells for his Mom, as she buries her face into the magazine.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1986
Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly, a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. It's a jungle in here!
Calvin, as Safari Al, hacks through the jungle. A giant gorilla rips through the foliage and grabs Safari Al. The gorilla says "Clean your room". Calvin, in his room, looks at Mom who tells him again to clean his room because it's a jungle in there.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1986
Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand, sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch.
Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.
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04 APR 1986
I don't think I'll go to school today. I think you will. I think I won't. Rats.
Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says "Rats".
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05 APR 1986
Good night, Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts?
Calvin and Hobbes, lying in their sleeping bags in their tent, wish each other a good night. As we look at the tent in the moonlight, one of them asks if the other believes in ghosts. We then see both of them, wide-eyed and teeth clenched, with a baseball bat awaiting the daylight.
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06 APR 1986
What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1986
Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans.
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08 APR 1986
Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he gets ready to take his bath, he puts his ducky in first. Hobbes asks if that's for companionship. Calvin informs him that it's to test for sharks.
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09 APR 1986
My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! It's Dad's. I buried it here last week.
Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.
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10 APR 1986
Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin, if you shoot that paper clip at me, I'll get your bottom hauled to the principal's office so fast you'll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed.
Spaceman Spiff spies a Zarg. He readies his blaster. Susie turns around and warns Calvin that if he shoots her with that paper clip, she'll have him hauled to the principal's office so fast he'll think he's in a time warp. Spiff is confounded by his jammed blaster.
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11 APR 1986
It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. I'll get my sewing kit. It's just a little cut. I don't need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! It's not surgery, you're just getting a couple of stiches! What's the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic.
Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1986
What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means you're sleeping on the floor tonight, you nincompoop!
Hobbes sits up in bed and tells Calvin he had a peculiar dream. Hobbes explains he dreamed he was fighting a ferocious weasel and wonders what it means. Calvin rolls over from the covers, and we see he's all torn up. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes it means he will be sleeping on the floor tonight and calls him a nincompoop.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1986
Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1986
Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
Calvin pleads to Dad that he wants to stay up late. After all, he can. Calvin says it's not fair. Dad acknowledges that life isn't fair. Calvin wants life to be unfair in his favor.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1986
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
Spaceman Spiff is being chased by a scum being. He spots his hovering spaceship and heads for the ladder. As he climbs, the scum being is upon him, and he knows he's too late. Miss Wormwood has told Calvin three times that recess is over and to get inside.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1986
As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?
Calvin, in a paper hat and standing in his treehouse, declares as dictator that he is the sole voice of government. He'll tolerate no dissent. He alone will decide the good. As he keeps proclaiming, Mom comes up and tells him it's time for bed. As she carries him to the house, he asks whether they can vote on it.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1986
If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1986
Here fish! They must know that one.
Calvin stands on a pier with a bucket in his hand. He calls "Here fish!" and holds the bucket out. Nothing happens. Calvin figures they must know that one.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1986
Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.
As Calvin sits on a rock with his fishing line in the water, a fish crawls up on the rock and bites Calvin in the butt. Hobbes comes by and asks if the fish are biting. Calvin tells him to drop dead.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1986
Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1986
I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?
Calvin, trying to build a model airplane, can't get it to look right. He complains the directions are impossible. In a fit of anger, he smashes the model with a hammer. He then declares the airplane a victim of antiaircraft fire. Hobbes notes Calvin's planes do seem to run into those.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1986
Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
Calvin tells Hobbes that Tommy told a funny story at school. Hobbes wants to hear it. Hands on hips, Calvin admits the story itself wasn't very funny, but the way Tommy told it was. Tommy was drinking milk and when he laughed, it went up his nose.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1986
You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
Moe tells Calvin he has two periods to live. He warns him that in gym class, Calvin will be turned into hamburger casserole. As Calvin walks off, he says he hates gym class. The coach thinks violence is aerobic.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1986
Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
Calvin yells "Where's my jacket?". He says he's looked everywhere. He's looked under the bed, over the chair, the stairs, the floor, the kitchen. Then he finds it and complains about who put it in the closet.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1986
Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
Calvin waves his hands and says "Hocus-Pocus. Abracadabra!" He commands his homework to do itself. He opens his textbooks, sees the homework isn't done, and says "Rats".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1986
Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass on the hill. Calvin asks if Hobbes ever thinks about the end of the world as they know it. Hobbes asks if he means nuclear war. Calvin clarifies he was referring to Mom catching him letting the air out of the car tires.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1986
I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1986
Fearless Spaceman Spiff closes in on the fleeing Zargons! Once again our hero is about to teach vicious alien scum that virtue is it's own reward! He locks onto target! Psst, Calvin! What was the capital of Poland until 1600! Krakow. Thanks. Krakow! Krakow! Two direct hits!
Spaceman Spiff, in his spacecraft, closes in on the Zargons. He's going to teach that alien scum that virtue is its own reward. Susie asks Calvin what the capital of Poland until 1600 was. He replies "Krakow". Susie thanks him as Calvin keeps shooting at the Zargons...krakow, krakow, two direct hits.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1986
The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley ... the terrifying lizard is three stories tall, and his mouth is filled with six-inch chisels of death! With a few mighty steps, the dinosaur is upon a tribe of fleeing cavemen. He devours them one by one! Araragh! Aaieee! Aaughh! Calvin, eat your popcorn quietly!
The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the valley. He's three stories call with six-inch teeth. He comes upon a tribe of cavemen trying to flee. He devours them one by one. Calvin is roaring as he drops popcorn into his mouth. Mom yells at him to eat quietly.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1986
What does this word mean? Which one? That long one. I don't know. You do too!! All right! Where's a dictionary??
Calvin asks Hobbes what a word in his book means. Hobbes looks at the word and turns frizzy with his eyes opening wide. He tells Calvin he doesn't know. Calvin yells that he does, too, know. He wants to find a dictionary.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1986
Can I watch the movie "Killer Prom Queen" on tv? No. Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Yes. Can I stay up till midnight? No. There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
Calvin asks to watch the "Killer Prom Queen" on TV. Mom says no. Calvin asks if he has to eat the slimy asparagus. Mom says yes. Calvin asks if he can stay up until midnight. Mom says no. Calvin decides there is an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1986
Let's see what happens if you cook popcorn without a lid. Pow. Kapwing. Bang. Pow. Boing. Zang. Heck. That's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave! Let's do some more!
Calvin wants to see what happens when popcorn is popped without a lid. First one, then several kernels go flying out of the pan. Calvin thinks that's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1986
C'mon Calvin. We're going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No, just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Mom tells Calvin they're going to the store. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes, but Mom tells him to leave Hobbes at home. Calvin yells that he wants Hobbes to come with them. We see Calvin carrying Hobbes out the door saying if you can't win with reason, go for volume.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1986
Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1986
So the contractor says it will cost about $200 to fix. Oh that dumb kid! Well. It's all part of raising a child, right? Mm. You're not sorry we had Calvin are you? Are you? I asked first besides, it wasn't all my decision. All I know is that I offered to buy us a Dachshund. But no, you said.
Mom and Dad are talking about the $200 contractor bill. Mom offers that it's all part of raising a child. She then asks Dad if he's sorry they had Calvin. He asks her the same thing. Mom won't answer since she asked first. She suggests it wasn't all her decision. Dad counters with his remembering his original offer to buy a dachshund, but she didn't want that.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1986
Do you think there's a god? Well, somebody's out to get me.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying on their backs on the hill. Hobbes asks if Calvin believes there is a God. Calvin thinks about it, and decides that somebody's out to get him.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1986
Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alient vessel! The alien being unnaturally stupid, is blissfully ignorant of it's imminent doom! Our hero locks onto target and warms up his frap-ray blaster! Miss Wormwood!! Zounds! A Gorkon death station appears! Evasive action!
Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alien vehicle. The alien is unaware of its imminent doom. Spiff readies his frap-ray blaster. Calvin has a book in his hand, standing on his desk, ready to smack Susie on the head. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin calls for evasive action from the Gorkon death station.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1986
Whack! Wow! Another hole in one!
Calvin lines up his tee shot. He hits the ball. He goes to see the result and notes that he got another hole-in-one. The shot has been made easier by the shovel sitting next to the enlarged hole.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1986
Wow! Three new magazines for me today. Yesterday I got five. I love getting all this mail. How come you receive all these magazines? I went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said "Bill me later."
Calvin pulls three new magazines out of the mailbox. He tells Hobbes that he got five more the day before. Calvin loves getting all this mail. Hobbes asks why he's getting all these magazines. Calvin explains that he went to the library and filled out all the cards that said "Bill Me Later".
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1986
I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about ... idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting in the chair, eating cereal, watching cartoons. Calvin comments on the classic humor and that these cartoons are what entertainment is all about. Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1986
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Hobbes doesn't want to put his worm on the hook. Neither does Calvin. Calvin decides to dump the worms into the water and net the fish when they come up for the worms. No fish comes, as the worms get soggy and sink. Calvin says they should go get some fast food hamburgers, which come in neat little boxes. Hobbes wonders who would want something that ate worms, anyway.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1986
Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
Calvin, the human insect, walks across the table. With his insect strength, he places a pea on the end of a spoon. He climbs atop the other end. Calvin launches the pea off his spoon as Dad yells at him to stop that.
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13 MAY 1986
In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.
Calvin, still a human insect, takes ten minutes to walk across the book's page. He slowly lifts the gigantic page. He then has a ten minute walk back across the turned page. Dad comments Calvin has been quiet for twenty minutes. Mom reminds him Calvin is doing his homework.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1986
Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
Calvin sees a movie he wants to watch. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin replies the listing says "Japanese cast". He reads the description of two rubbery monsters slugging it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Calvin thinks that sounds great, while Hobbes ponders that people say foreign film is inaccessible.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1986
Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...
Rosalyn, the baby sitter, comes to the door. Mom thanks her for coming on such short notice. She mentions they've had a difficult time finding a sitter. Mom has the notion Calvin has gotten a reputation. Rosalyn asks for half her money up front as Mom goes for her purse.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1986
Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.
Rosalyn is lying on the sofa, talking to her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him she's baby sitting Calvin. The boyfriend wonders if she's having any problems. Rosalyn says no. She says you have to show kids who's boss. Calvin and Hobbes are in the garage. Calvin asks Hobbes how much longer it will be till Rosalyn lets them out. Hobbes says she told them 8:00, and it's almost 6:30 now.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1986
Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
Mom thanks Rosalyn for baby-sitting. Rosalyn says Calvin was no trouble. Dad offers to drive Rosalyn home. They say their good nights. As Dad drives home, Calvin pops out of the back seat asking if she's gone.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1986
We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1986
What a great night to camp out! Where's our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent, I threw it away.
Calvin and Hobbes are roasting marshmallows under the moonlight. Hobbes asks where their tent is, since the scoutmaster told them to set the tents up. Calvin replies that when he was told to pitch the tent, he threw it away.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1986
The best part about these hikes is getting to see so much wildlife. Look! A tiger! A tiger?! Don't do that!
Calvin and Hobbes are hiking along, and Calvin comments on how the best part of the hikes is seeing all the wildlife. Suddenly, he yells, "Look! A tiger!" Hobbes' eyes bulge out as he looks over his shoulder in terror. Since there was no tiger, Calvin smiles and turns around to walk away. Hobbes tells Calvin not to do that.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1986
We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost! Left alone in the uncompromising wild to survive by our wits unaided! Hey, dummy! The scoutmaster says to grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear! We'll try to lose 'em again over the next hill.
Calvin claims they are hopelessly lost and separated from the troop. They're left in the wild to survive by their wits unaided. One of the other scouts comes over, tells Calvin the scoutmaster wants him to pick up his stuffed tiger and get his rear in gear. As they hike along, Calvin whispers to Hobbes that they'll try to lose them again over the next hill.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1986
Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh that's just great. Here we've been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing.
Hobbes pokes his head into the tent and tells Calvin to grab the hot dogs. The troop's cooking dinner over the fire. Calvin walks back to the tent and complains that he's been carrying around a microwave for nothing.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1986
Bop. Spike! Uh oh. We'd better leave. It looks like some big people want to play tennis.
Calvin serves the volleyball. Hobbes jumps up and spikes it down. Calvin grabs the volleyball and says they should leave. They are standing next to a tennis net, and someone is coming to use the court.
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24 MAY 1986
The crocodile floats to the top of the murky Amazon. Completely motionless he appears to be only a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches and ensures its instant death! Calvin what are you doing? Are you all right? Closer ... closer ...
The crocodile floats on the water. It appears to be a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches. Calvin is floating toward Dad as he stands in the pool. Closer...closer.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1986
Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1986
Mom! Mom! A big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbes! I tried to catch him but I couldn't. And now I've lost my best friend! Well Calvin. If you wouldn't drag that tiger everywhere things like this wouldn't happen. There's no problem so awful that you can't add some more guilt to it and make it worse!
Calvin runs into the house and yells to Mom that a big dog knocked him down and stole Hobbes. He holds her leg while saying he tried to catch him but couldn't. He's lost his best friend. Mom tells him that if he didn't carry Hobbes around everywhere, things like that wouldn't happen. Calvin says there isn't any problem you can't add guilt to and make it worse.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1986
I can't sleep at all. Poor Hobbes! I wonder where he is. I hope he's ok. Sniff. What did I ever do to deserve this? Whatever it was, I'm sorry already!
Calvin looks out his bedroom window at night. He can't sleep worrying about Hobbes. He sniffles and wonders what he's done to deserve this. He sticks his head out the window and yells whatever it was, he's sorry already.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1986
Lost: My tiger, "Hobbes". Maybe you should describe him. On the quiet side, somewhat peculiar. A good companion in a weird sort of way. I mean what does he look like? Oh.
Calvin writes out a flyer saying Hobbes is lost. Mom suggests he describe Hobbes. Calvin writes that he's quiet, somewhat peculiar, a good companion in a weird way. Mom tells him that she meant to write what he looks like.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1986
Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dog's been chewing on you fella. Well, nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldn't help. C'mon.
Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.
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Calvin and HobbesSomething Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1986
Hobbes! Hobbes! Where are you?? Hello Calvin. Would you like to join my tea party? Heck no. I'm trying to find my best friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Leave me alone. Well I think Mr. Calvin is very rude, don't you Mr. Tiger? Yes. I think so too. More tea anyone?
Calvin is walking along a wall yelling for Hobbes. Susie asks if Calvin would like to join her tea party. Calvin angrily declines, saying he's looking for his friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Susie sits at her tea set talking to Mr. Tiger (Hobbes) about how rude Mr. Calvin is.
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31 MAY 1986
Hey, I should tell Susie to keep her eyes open for Hobbes. Susie I ... Hobbes! You found Hobbes! Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Well! Wasn't Mr. Calvin a gentleman! I do hope hey! Who took all the cookies?!?
Calvin decides to ask Susie to keep an eye open for Hobbes. When he goes back to tell her, he sees Hobbes at the tea set. Calvin kisses Susie's hand and thanks her profusely for finding Hobbes. Susie talks to her rabbit about what a gentleman Mr. Calvin is, but notices all the cookies are gone.
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01 JUNE 1986
What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.
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02 JUNE 1986
Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
Calvin asks Susie if she wants to know a secret. Calvin tells her he thinks the principal is a space alien spy. He goes on to say the spy is corrupting their minds so they'll be unable to resist when his people invade earth. He asks Susie not to tell anyone. She reassures him not to worry.
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03 JUNE 1986
Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he should do when Moe comes to beat him up in gym class. Hobbes offers the thing tigers do when a rhino charges, climbing up the nearest tree. Calvin laments that advice. Hobbes muses that it doesn't impress the girls, but it's better than impressing them and getting killed.
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04 JUNE 1986
Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.
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05 JUNE 1986
It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!
Calvin is complaining about it being too early to be in bed. Hobbes is lying next to him. Calvin goes on to say he isn't even tired, it's the stupidest thing he can imagine, and that Mom and Dad are trying to get rid of him. He says he can't sleep and asks Hobbes if he can. Hobbes angrily turns around and tells Calvin "NO!"
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06 JUNE 1986
Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.
Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes have formed a lobby and want more privileges. Mom wonders what he's referring to, as he has it made. He has no responsibilities, no cares, no worries. What else could he want? As they walk away, Hobbes asks why he didn't ask about the credit cards in their names. Calvin dismisses it by saying Mom was in one of her moods.
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07 JUNE 1986
I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
Calvin happily hops out of bed saying he loves Saturdays. He gets up at six, has three bowls of crunchy sugar bombs, watches television till noon, and is incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Calvin proudly says he has no brothers or sisters so far.
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08 JUNE 1986
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
Spaceman Spiff is in his spacecraft. He fires his hyper-jets and blasts into the fifth dimension. Into a world beyond human comprehension, where time has no meaning. Calvin sits at his desk in class thinking this class lasts forever.
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09 JUNE 1986
In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
Calvin, with a cola bottle in hand, tells Hobbes the commercials say drinking that cola increases one's sex appeal. He proceeds to gulp down the cola. Calvin launches a huge burp which has Hobbes wide-eyed and jumping in the air. Hobbes thinks that might be a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Calvin, meanwhile, says it went right up his nose.
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10 JUNE 1986
It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
Calvin wants the right to vote. He feels he has no representation. Hobbes asks if he's concerned with the direction the country is taking. Calvin says he just wants a bigger piece of the pie.
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11 JUNE 1986
Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!
Calvin blows a huge bubble that pops. He has gum all over his face. He thinks he blew his face inside out.
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12 JUNE 1986
The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.
Calvin is taking a bath and complains the water is too cold. After an adjustment, the water is too hot. After another adjustment, the water is too cold again. One more adjustment, but now it's too deep.
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13 JUNE 1986
The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
The fearsome shark senses distress in the water above. He circles in closer to the victim. Calvin rises up from the tub, teeth snapping, splashing water all over Mom. She comments that for someone who hates baths, he's not making things go any faster.
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14 JUNE 1986
Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.
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15 JUNE 1986
We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.
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16 JUNE 1986
I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a tree branch. Calvin comments about never having been that high in a tree before. Hobbes notes that you can see for miles. Calvin says that was quite a crash, as we see the wagon lodged into a lower branch than the one they're on.
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17 JUNE 1986
The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
Calvin happily notes that it's stopped raining. He tells Hobbes this is the best time for wormucking. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin explains that you walk on the pavement and muck all the worms.
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18 JUNE 1986
Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
Calvin and Hobbes are running through the house as Mom yells for them to stop it. Suddenly, there are sounds of crashing. Mom asks Calvin what she had just told him. Calvin replies that it beats him, wasn't she listening either?
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19 JUNE 1986
Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing. Calvin shoots Hobbes and claims that he's dead. Hobbes says that Calvin missed. Calvin calls Hobbes a cheater, but Hobbes tells him that he's standing there talking to him. Calvin shoots again. Hobbes tells Calvin what a miserable shot he is.
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20 JUNE 1986
Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
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21 JUNE 1986
Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!
Pirate Calvin yells for his crew to prepare. There is a frigate to board. He calls for the raising of the skull and crossbones. He calls for the preparation of the plank. Hobbes tells him their ship is a plank. Calvin tells Hobbes, the wise guy, that he'll walk it.
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22 JUNE 1986
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits the ball and runs. They throw the ball back and forth a few times as Calvin runs. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a nice double play. He asks who's out. Hobbes tells him it depends if he's on Hobbes' team or if Hobbes is on Calvin's team.
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23 JUNE 1986
A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
Hobbes tells Calvin not to move because a bee landed on his back. Calvin squirms around and wants Hobbes to get it off. Hobbes tells him to be still and not imagine that it crawls down his shirt and into his pants. Calvin jumps way into the air as Hobbes comments that Calvin imagined it.
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24 JUNE 1986
Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.
Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.
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25 JUNE 1986
I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's had trouble choosing a new hobby. He thought about collecting bugs, then stamps. Hobbes asks what he decided on. As Calvin raises his foot, he tells Hobbes stamped bugs.
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26 JUNE 1986
Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.
Calvin complains that everyone has cable TV or a VCR. He rants on about having to watch summer repeats. Dad comments on how cruelly mistreated Calvin is. In his room, Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad gave him a copy of "Oliver Twist" so that he could identify with it. Hobbes is upset because "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable.
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27 JUNE 1986
I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
Calvin tells Hobbes he has a helium balloon. Calvin is going to stand on a ladder and let the balloon take him up and away. Nothing happens. Hobbes suggests he jump off the ladder. Calvin does, and promptly plows his face into the ground. Hobbes notes the balloon has, however, flown into the sky. He says Calvin should have held on.
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28 JUNE 1986
Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
Calvin stands naked in the toilet. He flushes and spins around. He hops out, walks by Mom, informs her he's done with his bath. She believes that was a little too quick.
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29 JUNE 1986
Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.
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30 JUNE 1986
What's all the rukus?! You're supposed to be asleep! And what's with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.
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01 JULY 1986
You see, Hobbes. I have a water balloon, and you don't. I therefore have the offensive superiority. So you have to do what I say. What do you think of that? I think I'll take this stick and poke your balloon. That's the trouble with weapons technology. It becomes obsolete so quickly.
Calvin boasts to Hobbes that he has a water balloon, while Hobbes doesn't. Calvin has the offensive superiority. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do about it. Hobbes thinks he'll pick up a stick and poke Calvin's water balloon. As Calvin stands soaked with water, he notes that weapons technology gets obsolete so quickly.
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02 JULY 1986
Oh my gosh, Hobbes! Don't move! What? What is it? The biggest ugliest fuzziest caterpillar I've ever seen is about to chomp your bottom! Aaugh! Kill it! Kill it! Youww! Wham! You know what your problem is? You've got no appreciation for physical humor. That's what!
Calvin tells Hobbes not to move. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains the ugliest, fuzziest caterpillar he's ever seen is about to chomp Hobbes' bottom. Hobbes yells for him to kill it. Calvin stomps on Hobbes' tail. Hobbes yells in pain. As Calvin is chased by Hobbes, Calvin tells Hobbes he has no appreciation for physical humor.
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03 JULY 1986
Where are you going? I'm going to walk to the other side of the lake. What's the bucket for? To drain the lake.
Calvin is walking by with a bucket in his hand. Hobbes asks where he's going. Calvin replies he's going to the other side of the lake. Hobbes asks what the bucket is for. Calvin tells him it's to drain the lake.
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04 JULY 1986
You know what I like about summer days? They're just made for doing things ... even if it's nothing. Especially if it's nothing.
Lying under a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin that what he likes most about summer days is that they're made for doing things. They continue to lie under the tree as Hobbes says even if it's nothing. Calvin adds that it's the case especially if it's nothing.
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05 JULY 1986
This looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. What will we do with it if we catch one? Well that's one thing we don't need to worry about. You don't know what one is either, huh?
Standing by the edge of the water, Calvin says this looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. Hobbes asks what they'll do with one if they catch it. Calvin says they won't have to worry about that. Hobbes asks Calvin if that means he doesn't know what a crawdad is, either.
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06 JULY 1986
Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.
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07 JULY 1986
When are we going to get our vacation site? I wanna be there! Calvin, it's an eight-hour drive. We're not even out of our state yet. It's going to be a while relax. How much longer now? I told you we should have flown.
From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".
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08 JULY 1986
There's a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? That's all we've eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers! I'm sick of hamburgers! We're eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Here's a hamburger joint! Are you happy?!
Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.
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09 JULY 1986
I have to go the bathroom. Calvin, we just pulled out of the restaurant can't you wait? Think of something else. All I can think of is Niagara Falls, and the Hoover Dam, and Noah's Ark, and ... ooh boy, now I have to go! Next year I swear I'll just take a vacation by myself.
Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.
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10 JULY 1986
This trip was excruciating thank goodness we're here. Eight hours crammed in a car with a hyperactive six-year old! What an ordeal. Well, now Calvin can run and scream all he likes. Ahh, what a great little place. I'm bored when are we leaving? You're bored? Would you like me to show you how an anchor works?
They finally arrive. Dad is rehashing the excruciating trip. Eight hours with a hyperactive six-year-old. At their lakeside campground, Dad says Calvin can run around and scream all he wants. Calvin promptly tells Dad that he's bored. Dad puts his arm around Calvin and offers to show Calvin how an anchor works.
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11 JULY 1986
Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am I'm back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The day's hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... I've seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isn't there any TV up here? I hate this place.
Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.
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12 JULY 1986
Dad, look! I caught a fish! Hey, that's a big one. I'll show you how to clean it and we'll have it for dinner. Clean it? Cut off its head and gut it. Mmm! Pass me another of these great cheese sandwiches! Ha ha. No bones in these right?
Calvin catches a fish and proudly shows Dad. Dad comments on what a big fish it is, and that he'll show Calvin how to clean it so they can have it for dinner. Calvin has never heard of cleaning fish, so Dad explains that you cut off its head and gut it. At the dinner table, Calvin is helping himself to another cheese sandwich. He happily comments on their being no bones in them.
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13 JULY 1986
Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.
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14 JULY 1986
Wow, look down there! I think that's the dim outline of a whale! I think that's a rock. And that must be a giant eel slithering up from the bottom! I think that's a weed. I'll bet this is the mast of an old spanish galleon, sunk hundreds of years ago. It's a branch. Man, this is boring. I wish there was a movie theater some place.
Calvin and Hobbes are out in the canoe. Calvin sees the dim outline of a whale. Hobbes thinks it was a rock. Calvin sees a giant eel slithering up from the bottom. Hobbes thinks it was a weed. Calvin sees the mast of a Spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Hobbes says it's a branch. Calvin comments on how boring it is, and that he wishes there was a movie theater nearby.
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15 JULY 1986
Want to go fishing? Sure. Fishing is one sport I really like. I can see why ... it's so contemplative. There's another one!!
Calvin and Hobbes decide to go fishing. Fishing is one sport Calvin really likes. Calvin is on the end of the fishing line, held up by Hobbes' pole. Calvin has a bat in his hand and is trying to hit the fish. Hobbes says he understands since it's so contemplative.
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16 JULY 1986
Gzzzzzzzz! Waaauughhhh! Sploosh.
Calvin is ready to cast his fishing line. His hook has caught on the back of his pants. As he sends the line out, he goes with it. He splashes into the water. But out of the water he comes with a fish in his hands, a smile on his face.
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17 JULY 1986
Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I don't like food cooked out, do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a log roasting wieners. The hot dogs catch fire. Calvin stomps on his hot dog, while Hobbes smacks his into the ground to put out the fires. Hobbes says he doesn't like food that's cooked outside. Calvin thinks it all tastes the same.
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18 JULY 1986
Flowers are pretty stupid. See, it's a bright, sunny day out, right? Well, with this watering can, I can make them think it's raining. It's fun to mess with their minds.
Calvin tells Hobbes that flowers are stupid. He comments that while the sun is shining, he can water the plants so they think it's raining. Calvin says it's fun to mess with their minds.
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19 JULY 1986
The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger, searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Don't be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you, will you please?
Calvin has mutated into a giant fly. He flies around looking for decaying flesh. He follows the unbearable stench in the air. In the kitchen, Mom tells Calvin not to be gross and to take out the trash.
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20 JULY 1986
It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Calvin drinks a magic elixir and starts to grow. He gets bigger and bigger. The giant goes on a rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. There's panic in the streets, a town lies in ruins. Mom tells Calvin she will not buy him more toy cars, she saw him deliberately stomping on the ones he already has.
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21 JULY 1986
C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.
Mom calls for Calvin to come to his swimming lessons. Calvin yells that he doesn't want swimming lessons. He asks whether Hobbes is signed up. Mom tells him it's not too good to get tigers wet. Calvin asks Hobbes why that is. Hobbes replies it takes all day to dry and until then, they smell funny.
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22 JULY 1986
I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!
Calvin can't believe his Mom signed him up for swimming lessons. As he stands next to the pool in his trunks, he complains about freezing his buns off at 9 in the morning. He knows he'll jump in the ice water and drown. He thinks the only way things could be worse was if the class was being taught by his sadistic baby sitter. Rosalyn is standing there in her swim suit and says "Look who's here".
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23 JULY 1986
Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
Rosalyn calls for everyone to get into the pool. Calvin refuses, saying he's freezing already. Rosalyn asks Calvin if he knows what a "rat tail" is. She explains what it is and says it's worse than being cold. Calvin is in the pool saying he thought lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
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24 JULY 1986
This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
Calvin complains about the cold water. He's sure he'll go into shock and drown. He thinks the lifeguard is involved in an insurance scam and is trying to drown everyone. Rosalyn announces they're going to learn the "deadman's float". Calvin screams for his Mom. Rosalyn, with her hand over her face, laments what she puts up with to pay for college.
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25 JULY 1986
I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
Calvin crawls out of the pool saying he doesn't want to learn how to swim. He says he doesn't need to know how and will always stay on land. Rosalyn asks what he'll do if he falls out of a boat. Calvin puts on a huge preserver vest and says "No big deal".
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26 JULY 1986
Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
Calvin gets into the car, complaining to Mom about the forty minutes of terror. He wonders why he can't have hang gliding or sharpshooting lessons, maybe driving lessons. Mom tells him he starts piano lessons Tuesday. Calvin yells.
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27 JULY 1986
Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.
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28 JULY 1986
Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.
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29 JULY 1986
That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
Susie is walking back complaining that Calvin is so mean. She tries to be friends, but he treats her like a nobody. Susie feels she doesn't need a friend. She can have fun by herself. As she sits alone on a rock with a stick in her hand, she dejectedly says "Poop".
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30 JULY 1986
Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.
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31 JULY 1986
The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.
Spaceman Spiff is trying to outrun aliens. He shifts into reverse. As the aliens pass, Spiff shifts to forward and chases the aliens. The aliens turn around, so Spiff shifts back into reverse. Calvin, riding in a swing, feels he's getting sick.
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01 AUG 1986
Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!
Hobbes makes the pitch. Calvin hits the ball with his bat. He looks around for the ball. The ball is stuck to the bat, and Calvin accuses Hobbes of throwing a spitball.
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02 AUG 1986
Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
As Calvin comes down the hill on his skates, he yells for Hobbes to tell him how to stop. Hobbes tells him to steer into a gravel driveway and fall down. Calvin skrunches to a stop. He trudges up the hill, all torn up, as Hobbes clarifies that was only a suggestion.
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03 AUG 1986
Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Calvin attacks Hobbes with a squirt gun. Hobbes strikes back by smacking Calvin with a water balloon. Calvin goes for supreme retaliation with the garden hose. He comments on how nothing can match the hose for water volume. He ponders whether Hobbes went so far as to...Hobbes comes around the corner of the fence dragging the swimming pool with him.
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04 AUG 1986
Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
Calvin sees something in the dirt and says it must be a fossil. He picks up a coat hangar and wonders what peculiar animal that was. He knows it's not a bone and comments it might be a primitive hunting weapon or an eating utensil for cave men. He muses it might have a religious function. Hobbes now knows why Calvin's clothes stay on the floor.
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05 AUG 1986
Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?
Calvin is making a sign declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's Creek". He informs Hobbes that when you discover something, you can name it and put up a sign. Hobbes wonders what happens if you didn't really discover it. Calvin says that he did discover it because there isn't any other sign at the creek. When they arrive at the creek, there is already a sign. The sign reads "Hobs Crk", as Hobbes rolls his eyes and tries to look innocent.
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06 AUG 1986
Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.
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07 AUG 1986
Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There aren't any caves around here! You don't need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to go spelunking with him. Hobbes says there aren't any caves around. Calvin says you don't need a cave, only a rock. Calvin throws a rock into a puddle. Spelunk goes the water.
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08 AUG 1986
Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
Calvin asks Dad if he's off to work. Calvin tells him it's a shame that he's on summer vacation and can stay home doing whatever he wants to. He sends Dad off to join the rat race, reminding him that he and Mom are racking up lots of expenses. Calvin explains that he does that so Dad appreciates the weekends more.
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09 AUG 1986
Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick.
Hobbes pushes Calvin down the hill in the wagon. Calvin comments on how hot it is. Hobbes agrees with him, saying he dislikes the humidity. After Calvin clarifies that Hobbes doesn't like humidity, he suggests Hobbes get out of the wagon quickly. The wagon is about two feet away from rolling into the water.
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10 AUG 1986
Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Calvin and Hobbes have a foot race. Faster and faster they go until, finally, they lie on the grass exhausted. Calvin can't believe it. There was no sonic boom, not even a "pop". Hobbes disagrees, saying he heard a pop but thinks it was his lungs.
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11 AUG 1986
What's for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. Mom tells him salmon. Calvin makes a face with his tongue stuck out. Mom tells him that one day his face will freeze like that. Calvin gets an evil grin and thinks "Wow!".
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12 AUG 1986
Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
Calvin is walking around with his face twisted and tongue hanging out. Hobbes asks what's wrong with Calvin. Calvin explained that since Mom told him his face would freeze like that, he's giving it a try. As Calvin heads off making his face, Hobbes falls in behind him making his own twisted face. Hobbes says he always liked gargoyles.
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13 AUG 1986
Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
Dad tells Calvin not to make faces at the dinner table. Calvin tells him about what Mom had said and indicates his face is now frozen like that. Dad tells him it isn't, but Calvin says he's now horribly disfigured for life. After Dad tells him he isn't, Calvin says he won't spoil dinner. He puts on a hooded mask and says he's like the elephant man.
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14 AUG 1986
Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement.
Calvin and Hobbes, both making faces, come up to Susie. Calvin figures she'll be horrified at their frozen faces. They exchange pleasant greetings, then Susie asks if Calvin got his head stuck in a blender. She says it's an improvement.
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15 AUG 1986
Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world.
Dad is preparing a cookout, and Calvin asks if the coals are hot. Dad tells him yes, that he's about ready to put on the hamburgers. Calvin asks if, before putting the burgers on, Dad can toss in a can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball. Calvin laments that he has the most boring Dad in the world.
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16 AUG 1986
With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment.
Hobbes puts on a mask and snorkel and says with the snorkel, they can stay underwater indefinitely. Calvin reminds Hobbes of the fish they'll see. Hobbes figures they can collect shells. Sitting in their little swimming pool, Calvin tells Hobbes that so far, it's been a major disappointment.
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17 AUG 1986
You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
Calvin wants Hobbes to help him test the theory of relativity. He says the faster he goes, the slower time goes. So Hobbes pushes him down the hill in the wagon. Hobbes climbs aboard and keeps the time. Faster and faster they go, but time continues. Finally, as they fly off the side of the hill, Calvin asks if time has stopped. Hobbes replies no, but that his heart has. As they lie smashed into the ground, Calvin declares Einstein a fraud. Hobbes says no, because his clock has stopped.
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18 AUG 1986
"Add two eggs and stir". Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
Hobbes has Calvin add two eggs to the mixing bowl. Calvin does. Hobbes tells Calvin the recipe will make twenty pancakes, so they'll each get ten. Calvin says that's too much trouble. He pours the batter into a frying pan and says he'll make one big pancake, and they'll each get half.
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19 AUG 1986
Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.
Calvin yells that he wants Dad to read him a bedtime story. Dad begs off until tomorrow. Calvin replies he won't go to bed without a story. Dad gives him a very brief story dealing with a little boy who always wanted things his way and who gets locked in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. Calvin doesn't like those stories with morals.
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20 AUG 1986
Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table.
Mom calls Calvin to dinner. Calvin replies that he's watching television. Mom says he's not. Calvin disagrees and says he's right there in front of it. Mom yells "NO you're NOT". Calvin scampers off remembering that he is at the table.
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21 AUG 1986
I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? I've seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol' turtle? Ha!
Susie tells Calvin she saw a turtle at the creek. Calvin says he's seen hundreds of turtles, that it's no big deal. He wonders who wants to see another dumb old turtle. Shortly after, Susie catches Calvin at the creek looking for the turtle.
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22 AUG 1986
Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think you're a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
Calvin wants to ride in the grocery cart. Mom tells him he's too old for that. Calvin begs, so she puts him in. Calvin then tells her to run down the aisle and let go.
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23 AUG 1986
Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold, eh, Tarzan?
Calvin sails out over the water on a rope swing. Calvin does a Tarzan yell. As he lets go, he looks down at the water and hurriedly grabs the rope back. As he comes back to shore, Hobbes asks him if the water looked a little cold.
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24 AUG 1986
Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin, the quarterback, jumps, dodges and throws the ball. Hobbes, the receiver, makes the great catch and heads for a score. Calvin wants a lateral so he can score. Hobbes calls a fumble and recovers the ball. Calvin calls a penalty and sends Hobbes to the bench. Hobbes defects to the other team. They go at each other. In a heap, Calvin can see why football is such a violent game. Hobbes' team, after a one yard gain, gets smooches from the cheerleaders.
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25 AUG 1986
I think I'm using too strong a sun screen.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass. Hobbes sits up and looks at his belly. He looks at his side. He tells Calvin he thinks he's using too strong a sun screen.
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26 AUG 1986
Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Calvin complains that fishing is the most boring sport in the world. He says they've been there twenty minutes and not one thing has happened. Hobbes thinks about it, and he pushes Calvin into the water.
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27 AUG 1986
You're on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin, be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. That's not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.
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28 AUG 1986
With a drink of magic elixir, Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent, he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy, as soon as you want something done around here, that kid's nowhere to be seen.
Calvin drinks an elixir that makes him invisible. He walks out of the house, undetected. Mom calls for Calvin. She says whenever you want something done around there, the kid's nowhere to be seen.
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29 AUG 1986
Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
Since Calvin is invisible, he takes his clothes off to perpetrate any crime. He can get away with anything. Mom wonders just what he's doing in the cookie jar without his clothes on.
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30 AUG 1986
Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
Calvin warns Dad about his slipping poll numbers. Dad informs him it's not an elected position, so he doesn't have to respond to polls. Calvin asks if that means Dad can rule with dictatorial impunity. Dad says yes. Calvin surmises open revolt and exile is the only hope for change. Dad doesn't like the direction the conversation is taking.
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31 AUG 1986
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.
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01 SEPT 1986
I'm going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok, you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. It's decided to maim me first.
Calvin says he's going to learn to ride his bicycle if it kills him. Hobbes lets go of the bike, and there's a crash. Hobbes picks the bike off Calvin and asks if it killed him. Calvin answers that the bike has decided to maim him first.
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02 SEPT 1986
They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget. That doesn't surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.
Calvin hops on his bicycle again. Hobbes tells him that people say once you've learned to ride, you never forget. Calvin believes that. After he again crashes, he says it works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.
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03 SEPT 1986
Easy ... easy ... hold it still ... there! Look! I did it! I'm balancing! That's good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up?
Calvin tentatively gets back on the bike. He tells Hobbes to hold him steady. He shakily sits on the bike and congratulates himself on balancing the bicycle. Hobbes agrees that is good, then asks if he wants to try it with the kickstand up.
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04 SEPT 1986
Crash! It jumped me!!
Calvin sneaks up to his bicycle. He reaches out for it. CRASH! The bike falls on Calvin. He cries out "It jumped me!"
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05 SEPT 1986
Look, there's a frog! C'mon, let's catch it! I'm not getting near it. Why not? They drink water all day just in case someone picks them up.
Calvin sees a frog in the water and asks Hobbes to help him catch it. Hobbes doesn't want to get near it. Calvin asks why not. Hobbes informs him they drink water all day in case someone picks them up.
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06 SEPT 1986
I'm going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books! Oh, no, you're not! Why not?! Because I'm your mother and I said so. Get back in here. And you can stop goose-stepping around the house!
Calvin heads out the door of his house. He tells Mom that he's going to the drugstore to eat candy and read comic books all afternoon. Mom grabs him and says he isn't going. When asked why not, Mom tells him that she's his mother and she said so. She then has to yell to Calvin to quit goose-stepping around the house.
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07 SEPT 1986
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
Calvin and Hobbes return to their tent after hearing scary campfire stories. Hobbes doesn't think he'll ever sleep again. Calvin thinks he hears something. Hobbes isn't sure, but Calvin thinks it sounded like breathing, drooling, and ripping meat off human bones. They run screaming to their tent. As they light dozens of floodlights and spotlights around their tent, Hobbes admits he's glad they carried a generator all that distance.
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08 SEPT 1986
Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.
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09 SEPT 1986
Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.
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10 SEPT 1986
See any UFOs? Not yet. Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking into the evening skies with binoculars. Calvin asks if Hobbes has seen any UFO's yet. Calvin tells him to keep his eyes peeled, that they'll land sooner or later. Hobbes asks what they'll do when the aliens land. Calvin will try to sell Mom and Dad into slavery in exchange for a star cruiser.
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11 SEPT 1986
Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
Hobbes is curled up sleeping. Calvin approaches. When Hobbes yawns, Calvin sticks his head in Hobbes' mouth and says "Ta daa!" Hobbes is unimpressed.
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12 SEPT 1986
Calvin, I don't want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isn't quite the same, is it?
Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.
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13 SEPT 1986
Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin, drink your milk in little sips!
A frog is sitting on the ground. It puffs its throat up and croaks. As Calvin puffs his cheeks, Mom yells to Calvin to drink his milk in little sips.
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14 SEPT 1986
Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Spaceman Spiff crashes. The atmosphere is hardly breathable. Spiff looks for life, but notices a gelatinous blob of muck coming after him. His blaster is useless. He tries to escape, but the stench envelops him. Calvin is playing with his food. Susie tells him to leave the cafeteria's tapioca alone if he doesn't like it.
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15 SEPT 1986
Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh, come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.
Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun.
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16 SEPT 1986
I can't believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! I'll never be able to write that much! It's not fair!! How's it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV?
Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV.
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17 SEPT 1986
In soccer, you can't touch the ball with your hands or arms. See, you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah, but your face?? Doesn't that that hurt? Rrrrghh! That's not what I meant to do!
Calvin is explaining to Hobbes how to play soccer. He kicks the ball and says you can use any body part except hands or arms. Calvin says you can even use your head. After the ball hits, Hobbes asks if using his face doesn't hurt.
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18 SEPT 1986
I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No, I don't think violence would be justified. Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did?
Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?
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19 SEPT 1986
I've decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. That's nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought she'd put up more of a fuss than that.
Calvin tells Mom he's going to grow a long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Mom says to go ahead. As Calvin looks into the mirror, he says he thought Mom would have put up more of a fuss.
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20 SEPT 1986
How about these pants, Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens, look at the price! I don't have pants that cost this much! And you'll grow right out of these! Honestly, why would any kid need designer clothes?? "Babes." Babes, Mom. I gotta look cool.
At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, "Babes". Calvin has to look cool.
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21 SEPT 1986
Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.
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22 SEPT 1986
Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.
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23 SEPT 1986
Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.
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24 SEPT 1986
If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.
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25 SEPT 1986
Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.
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26 SEPT 1986
Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up.
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27 SEPT 1986
Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
Calvin answers the ringing telephone. He tells the person he wants to order a large anchovy pizza. The person on the phone is puzzled. Calvin says they must have dialed the wrong number and hangs up. Calvin walks off saying he tries to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
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28 SEPT 1986
Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.
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29 SEPT 1986
What are you doing? Being "cool." You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool.
Calvin is leaning against a tree when Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's being "cool". Hobbes says he looks more like he's bored. Calvin replies that "The world bores you when you're cool".
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30 SEPT 1986
Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be "cool." A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?
Hobbes, wearing a sombrero, joins Calvin in being "cool". Calvin yells that cool people don't wear sombreros, that nobody wears sombreros. Hobbes trudges off wondering what the fun of being "cool" is if you can't wear a sombrero.
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01 OCT 1986
I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.
Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be "cool" in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid.
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02 OCT 1986
Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
Calvin sees Susie coming. He throws a pine cone at her. Suddenly, the pine cone comes whizzing back at Calvin and smacks him. Susie walks down the street carrying her lacrosse stick.
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03 OCT 1986
Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else.
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04 OCT 1986
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed. Three replies of no come from beneath the bed. Calvin then asks how big they would be if there were any monsters. He gets a reply saying very small and to go to sleep. Calvin yells for Mom.
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05 OCT 1986
I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
Susie wants to squeeze Calvin's stuffed tiger. Calvin warns her that Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast. Susie thinks he looks cuddly. Calvin continues to explain about Hobbes' terrible mandibles of bone-crushing death. Calvin warns of mighty paws with razor-sharp claws. He concludes that Hobbes is a monster. Susie thinks Hobbes is cute and gives him a big hug. Calvin asks Hobbes what happened to the mandibles of death. He calls him a sissy furball. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, says he was beguiled by her feminine charms. He also tells Calvin to go soak his head.
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06 OCT 1986
With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed "Help, I'm a bug" on her note to Grandma.
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07 OCT 1986
Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
Calvin is in the bathtub. He goes back and forth, back and forth. He creates a tidal wave. When Mom comes in to see the flood covered with water, Calvin offers the idea that the seal around the tub leaks.
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08 OCT 1986
What's this music? It's "The 1812 Overture." I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
Calvin asks what music Hobbes is listening to. Hobbes replies "The 1812 Overture". Calvin says the percussion section is interesting. Hobbes tells him those are cannons. Calvin mentions that they perform in crowded concert halls. He thought classical music was boring.
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09 OCT 1986
Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".
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10 OCT 1986
Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.
While taking a test, Calvin asks Susie what 12 + 7 is. Susie tells him a billion. Calvin realizes that can't be right, since that's what Susie said 3 + 4 was.
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11 OCT 1986
I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
Calvin tells Hobbes he's just read a great science fiction story. He says it's about machines who take control of humans and make them zombie slaves. Hobbes clarifies by stating that instead of us controlling machines, they control us. He says that's a scary idea. Calvin agrees, then notices his TV show is on.
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12 OCT 1986
Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.
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13 OCT 1986
Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
Calvin tells Hobbes they are going to discuss current events at school. He tells Hobbes each student had to pick an article, read it to the class, then explain it. Hobbes asks which article he chose. Calvin tells him "Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone". Calvin comments that there's not much left to explain.
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14 OCT 1986
Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.
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15 OCT 1986
Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
Mom and Calvin are looking at a broken dish on the kitchen floor. Mom asks how the dish got broken. Calvin replies that he tried to carry too much, and it dropped. Mom tells him he has no common sense. Calvin disagrees by saying he's got plenty of common sense, he just chose to ignore it.
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16 OCT 1986
I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin mentions he doesn't understand about death. He wonders if we're all going to die, what's the point of living? Hobbes ponders that and offers an answer of "Seafood". In a huff, Calvin says he doesn't know why he even talks to Hobbes before dinner.
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17 OCT 1986
I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
Calvin tells Dad that he's decided he wants to be a millionaire when he grows up. Dad tells him he'll need to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. Calvin disagrees by saying he won't, Dad will. Calvin tells him he wants to inherit it.
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18 OCT 1986
The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.
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19 OCT 1986
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".
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20 OCT 1986
As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. What's this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
Spaceman Spiff is going to be interrogated by Zorkons. He looks at their implements of torture. At one particular device, he asks the Zorkon what the name of the device is. Calvin's gym teacher tells him it's a chin-up bar and to get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
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21 OCT 1986
Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
Calvin yells that he can't find his jacket in the closet. Mom yells back that the jacket is on the floor where Calvin had left it. Calvin asks why Mom didn't put it away. Mom gives Calvin a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.
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22 OCT 1986
Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
Calvin shows Hobbes he can make a shadow animal. He makes a dog. Hobbes thinks it's pretty good. Calvin then tries to make a swan. Hobbes sees a bug-eyed tentacle thing. They both jump in fright, crawl under the covers, and yell for Mom.
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23 OCT 1986
Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Why'd you hold it in? I'm trying to blow my shoes off.
Calvin starts to sneeze. He plugs his nose and holds the sneeze in. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin explains that he is trying to blow his shoes off.
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24 OCT 1986
It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained.
Hobbes is reading an album cover. He tells Calvin the composer could play piano at the age of three. He wrote his first symphony at four. Hobbes says that's amazing. Calvin recalls that when he was four, he thinks he was toilet trained.
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25 OCT 1986
I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
Calvin comes down the stairs declaring that he's done with his homework. He says he's going out to play, and that he has his jacket. He says he's leaving. Lastly, he says he'll give further bulletins as events warrant.
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26 OCT 1986
... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing a game of flag capture. Calvin complains to Hobbes that he put the flag too high in the tree. Hobbes informs Calvin that isn't a rule, so Calvin makes it a rule. Hobbes tags Calvin and tells him to go to jail. Calvin's argument that he had a time out falls on deaf ears. Calvin declares another new rule about automatic time outs when discussing rules. Hobbes calls time in and tags Calvin. Calvin tells him he can't do that, and they need to call time in at the same time. Hobbes accuses Calvin of continually changing the rules so he can win. Calvin retorts that he's doing it so Hobbes can't cheat. They call each other cheater and muffin head. They fight. As they stand in the laundry room covered in dirt, Calvin says Mom suggests taking up playing Monopoly. Hobbes, peeking out from the washing machine, says he knows all about the "interest-free bank loans" Calvin makes to himself.
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27 OCT 1986
Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning I'll run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good, I go right into my pants while I'm putting on my shirt, and by the bottom, I'm all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too, I won't have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin.
Calvin shows Mom he put his clothing for tomorrow on the staircase. In the morning, he plans to run out in his underwear, slide down the stairs, and be fully dressed when he reaches the bottom. He tells Mom that if she puts his cereal on the stairs, he won't have to get up until 30 seconds till the bus comes.
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28 OCT 1986
Ack. Igg. Look, mom, I've got rabies. Go spit out your toothpaste and stop being silly. Maybe dad will fall for it if I bite him first.
Calvin comes out with foam coming from his mouth. He tells Mom he has rabies. She tells him to spit out his toothpaste and to stop being silly. As Calvin walks off, he wonders if Dad will fall for it if Calvin bites him first.
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29 OCT 1986
What are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I don't know yet, I can't decide. Well, the idea is to be the scariest thing you can think of. Hmm ... maybe I'll just go as myself! I'm going as a barrel of toxic waste!
Calvin asks Hobbes what he's going to dress up as for Halloween. Hobbes isn't sure yet. Calvin tells him the idea is to go as the scariest thing you can think of. Hobbes makes a fearsome face and says he might just go as himself. Calvin plans to go as a barrel of toxic waste.
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30 OCT 1986
We're going to carve a Jack-O'lantern now. See, we'll make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack, time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even.
Calvin gets ready to carve the jack-o'-lantern. Calvin draws the eyes and explains to Hobbes that it will look like a face when they're done. First, though, they need to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Calvin grabs a knife and says "OK, Jack, time for your lobotomy". He asks Hobbes for a big spoon. Hobbes covers his mouth and is sickened by Calvin not even using an anesthetic.
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31 OCT 1986
I think Dad likes Halloween as much as we do. Is he taking us trick or treating tonight? No, Mom is. Is he going to stay home and give out candy? No, he's going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose and drench potential t'pers.
Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad likes Halloween as much as they do. Hobbes asks if Dad is taking them trick-or-treating. Calvin replies that Mom is. Hobbes asks if Dad is staying home to give out candy. Calvin tells him Dad is going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose to drench potential T.P.ers.
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01 NOV 1986
Oog. I feel awful. If someone even mentions "Milk Duds." I'm going to barf. Another Halloween come and gone. It's always such a letdown after a holiday. We might as well go into town and look at the Christmas decorations.
Having eaten their Halloween candy, Hobbes says he feels awful. Calvin thinks if someone even mentions "Milk Duds", he'll barf. Calvin laments the passing of another Halloween. He says its always a letdown after a holiday. He decides they might as well go into town to look at the Christmas decorations.
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02 NOV 1986
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.
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03 NOV 1986
Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a "Get Well" card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin." Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too.
Calvin is making a "get well" card for Mom. He shows Hobbes the card. The front says "Get well soon". The inside elaborates that she should get well because Calvin's bed isn't made, his clothes need to be put away, and he's hungry. Hobbes wants to sign the card, too, because he's also hungry.
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04 NOV 1986
Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
Calvin brings breakfast to Mom, who is lying in bed. He's made eggs, toast and juice. He goes on to say the eggs kind of burned, but that Mom could chip them out with a chisel. When Mom asks about the toast and coffee, Calvin offers that Dad told him not to tell Mom about it until she was feeling better.
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05 NOV 1986
Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?
Dad says that since Mom is sick, he will make dinner. Calvin didn't know Dad could cook. Dad proudly declares that he survived two years of his own cooking when he had an apartment after college. Calvin reminds him Mom said he ate frozen waffles and had canned soup three meals a day. Dad replies that Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. He also asks Calvin to get the syrup out.
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06 NOV 1986
Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
Calvin asks Mom if she wants him to read her a story, since she reads stories to him when he's sick. Mom says she just wants to rest. Calvin sits on the edge of the bed and says "It's hard to be a mom for a mom". Mom sits up and gives Calvin a hug. She says he does fine. Calvin wants to know if she's contagious.
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07 NOV 1986
What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ...
Hobbes asks Calvin what's wrong with Mom. Calvin replies he doesn't know, but that Mom went to the doctor's office. Hobbes wonders if maybe she's going to have a baby. Calvin jumps in horror at the thought. He wonders why she would want another kid. After all, she has him. Hobbes agrees that you'd think she would have learned her lesson.
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08 NOV 1986
I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when asked, Dad said as far as he knew. He said they'd know if she was having a baby because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland condition. Dad said that right before Mom creamed him with a pillow. Dad surmises that Mom must be feeling better. Hobbes thinks Calvin has weird parents.
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09 NOV 1986
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.
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10 NOV 1986
Hey, Mom, I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line and everything! That's wonderful Calvin. It's a great dramatic role! My character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! What's the play? "Nutrition and the four food groups." I'm an onion.
Calvin comes home and tells Mom he got a part in the class play. He gets to say a line. Mom tells him that's wonderful. Calvin believes this is a great dramatic role, and he'll have people in tears by the second act. The play is "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups". Calvin will be an onion.
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11 NOV 1986
Ok, Hobbes. I need you to help me memorize my line for the play. Sure. I'm the onion, and I say "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber." Ok, ready? Ready. Go ahead. "In addition ..." wait. Hold it. I'm not in character yet. What motivates an onion? Fame. I suppose this could be a big break.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him learn his line for the play. Calvin reads the line, gives the script to Hobbes, and Hobbes tells him to start. Suddenly, Calvin realizes he's not in character yet. He doesn't have his motivation. Hobbes wonders if it's fame. He supposes this role could be a big break.
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12 NOV 1986
Ok. You be "Bread". Prompt me. "Glucose is the body's main energy source!" "In addition ... " uh ... um ... "In addition ... " um ... wait. Grrrgh! I hate this play! I'll never be able to learn this stupid part! Well, your emoting is down pat.
They're still rehearsing. Hobbes reads the line before Calvin. Calvin starts his line, and stops. He starts again, and stops. Suddenly, he falls to his knees, says he hates the play and bemoans his inability to learn the part. Hobbes suggests his emoting is down pat.
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13 NOV 1986
I've got it all figured out Hobbes. This play will be no sweat. You have your line all memorized? No. I thought I'd come out. Do a little soft-shoe and adlib something! Adlib something about dietary fiber? Either that, or I'll do my onion in mime!
Calvin has it figured out. He tells Hobbes the play is no sweat. Hobbes asks if Calvin has his line memorized. Calvin replies that he doesn't. He figures he'll come on stage, do a little soft-shoe and ad-lib something. Hobbes wonders how he'll ad-lib something on dietary fiber. Calvin thinks he could also do his onion in mime.
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14 NOV 1986
How's my onion costume coming, Mom? I'm still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. I'm not much of a seamstress. Just be glad I'm not Russy White, he has to be an amino acid. Mm ... what do you think? Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno Mom.
Calvin asks Mom how his onion costume is coming. Mom is still working on it, and she wishes the class would do something less elaborate. Calvin says to be glad he's not Russy White, who has to be an amino acid. Calvin puts the costume on. He thinks it's "Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer".
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15 NOV 1986
Are you going to come to my play dad? It's called "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups." I'll probably have to work Calvin. But Dad. It'll be great drama! I'm an onion! Well why don't you say your line for me now? Ok! Um ... let's see ... "In addition to ... " ... uh ... hold it ... um. 2kids in food suits forgetting their lines. I'll definitely be at work. Dear! Calvin's worked hard. Ok, uh ... "In addtion ..." uh ... no wait ... um.
Calvin wants to know if Dad is coming to the play. Dad says he'll probably be at work. Calvin tells him it will be great drama. Dad asks Calvin to read his line now. Calvin starts, then forgets. He starts again, then forgets. Dad figures with 25 kids in food suits forgetting their lines, he'll definitely be at work.
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16 NOV 1986
Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Let's have some snow!! It's snowing! I can make it snow! I'm psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh, he's going to hate me for this.
Calvin angrily sits on his sled at the top of the hill. He's dressed for winter, but there's no snow on the ground. He yells for there to be snow. Suddenly, snow starts falling. Calvin runs off claiming to be psychokinetic. After he leaves, the snow stops. Hobbes is sitting on a tree branch with an empty bag of snow he dumped down. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests that Calvin will hate him for this.
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17 NOV 1986
Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? I'm still learning it, being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? I'm "Fat." No, I mean in the play. Anyone else want to say it?!? Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!
Susie asks Calvin if he has his line memorized for the play. Calvin says he's still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role. He asks Susie what she is. She replies "Fat". Calvin says "No. I mean in the play". She smacks him and asks whether anyone else wants to say it. Calvin lies in a heap on the sidewalk calling for his understudy.
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18 NOV 1986
Thanks for waiting for the bus with me Hobbes. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit. I'll be lad when this stupid play is over. Oh no! Run for your life! A produce truck! ... just kidding!
Calvin is waiting in his onion suit at the bus stop. Calvin tells Hobbes he feels like an idiot. He says he'll be glad when the play is over. Hobbes yells for Calvin to run for his life, a produce truck is coming. As Calvin runs off, Hobbes yells that he was just kidding.
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19 NOV 1986
Susie, where's Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I don't know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. He's on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper!
Miss Wormwood asks Susie where Calvin is. Susie says she doesn't know, that he was just there a minute ago. She wonders if he went to the bathroom. Miss Wormwood says he's on stage in two minutes. He picked a fine time to go to the bathroom. Calvin, in the bathroom, says it's a fine time to get stuck in his costume zipper.
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20 NOV 1986
I can't believe it! I'm stuck in my onion suit! I can't go onstage with my shirt caught in my costume! Help! Help! I'm supposed to be on now! I'm supposed to be saying my line! What should I do?? What should I do?? "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber!!"
Calvin can't believe he's stuck in his costume zipper. He figures he can't go on stage with his shirt caught in his costume. He knows he should be onstage reciting his line. He wonders what to do. From the bathroom, he shouts out his line.
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21 NOV 1986
I'm home! Hi, honey. How did your play go? Terrible. I got stuck in my zipper in the bathroom, and they had to stop the play and get a janitor to find me and get me out. Oh no. that's awful! I'll say. The play was ruined ... but I remembered my line!
Calvin comes home, and Mom asks how the play went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his zipper, they had to stop the play, and the janitor had to find him and get him out. Mom says that was terrible. Calvin says the play was ruined, but he remembered his line.
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22 NOV 1986
Up, up and away! Woomph! Ackk! Kryptonite! Kryptonite!
Calvin runs along with his cape. He calls "Up, up and away". He leaps, then crashes into the floor. He grabs his throat, crying "kryptonite".
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23 NOV 1986
Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
Dad goes into the store, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the car. They hide under a blanket, putting a bag on top of themselves, so Dad will think they've run away. Dad comes back out to the car, seeing that they're hiding. He says he wonders where they are. He says it's his chance to get away before they come back. He says Mom will be glad when she hears he's lost them. Calvin pops up saying Mom won't be glad. He calls Dad a sicko and says he's ruining Dad's getaway.
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24 NOV 1986
Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?
Susie asks Calvin if he wants to trade sandwiches. He tells her no, that he's got his favorite kind. He asks Susie what kind she has, and she replies peanut butter. Calvin says his is processed mouse loaf. Susie doesn't believe it, saying it looks like egg salad. Calvin picks a piece off the sandwich and holds it up. He offers it to Susie to try. He thinks it's a whisker and is good. Susie is so grossed out she doesn't want her own sandwich now. Calvin wants to know what kind of cookies she has.
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25 NOV 1986
Ta-daaa!!
Calvin is walking along. He trips, flips over and lands on his rear. He stands up saying "Ta-daaa!".
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26 NOV 1986
How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!
Calvin asks how they know the load limits on bridges. Dad tells him they keep driving bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. He tells Calvin they then weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Mom tells Dad that if he doesn't know the answer, he should just tell him.
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27 NOV 1986
It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't.
Reading the newspaper, Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard to believe there are still starving people in the world. He says there is even hunger in America, that some people never get enough to eat. Hobbes holds his stomach and says he knows what that's like. Calvin says he does not.
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28 NOV 1986
The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
Calvin's playing with his toy soldiers. They're marching up the hill. Bombers appear on the horizon. Bombs begin to fall. Suddenly, pine cones rain down on Calvin's head. Hobbes, standing up on a tree branch, says he had two direct hits.
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29 NOV 1986
Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs"! It says, "Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors." Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired.
Calvin shows Hobbes that you get a plastic trinket in the box of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs" cereal. Hobbes notes the box says there are ten colors to collect. Calvin says Mom won't buy any more cereal until that box is gone. As they sit at the kitchen table with bowls in front of them, Hobbes figures it shouldn't take more than a couple hours to eat the box. Calvin isn't so sure, as he gets pretty wired after five bowls.
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30 NOV 1986
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Spaceman Spiff is hit. He plummets toward planet Zog. There's no place to land. His controls don't respond. His fuel explodes due to the stress. He has ten seconds to impact. He starts counting down...nine, eight. Miss Wormwood says "Well, Calvin?". He shouts "Seven". Miss Wormwood congratulates him on his correct answer for ten minus three. She thought he wasn't paying attention. Miraculously, Spiff makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again.
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01 DEC 1986
Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.
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02 DEC 1986
Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
Calvin hears the doorbell. The baby sitter is here. Hobbes suggests hiding, but Calvin says they smell fear. Hobbes suggests going on the offensive. Calvin asks for paper and a pencil. Hobbes recognizes a blackmail attempt coming. Calvin tells him to get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
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03 DEC 1986
We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!
Mom leaves and says good-bye to Rosalyn. Rosalyn calls up the stairs to Calvin to see if he's up there. Two suction darts come flying down at Rosalyn. She charges up the stairs, rolling up her sleeves. She tells Calvin it's "Bedtime for Bonzo". Calvin complains that it's only six o'clock.
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04 DEC 1986
I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean "the basement"? Shhh!
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin can't believe they were put there, and it isn't even dark out. Calvin decides that while she can put them in bed, she can't make them sleep. He gives Hobbes a horn, he gets a tom-tom. Rosalyn looks in and reminds Calvin that sleeping in a bed is a privilege, and that the basement will be less comfy. Hobbes wonders what she meant by "the basement". Calvin quickly turns and says "Shhh!".
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05 DEC 1986
Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
Mom calls Rosalyn to tell her they are going to be later than planned. Rosalyn tells her Calvin went to be early, and she's just holding down the fort. In the background, Calvin yells out. He wants to know if that's Mom. He wants to talk with her. He yells for her to come home before it's too late. Rosalyn tells Mom it's just the TV and to enjoy the play.
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06 DEC 1986
Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up.
Mom and Dad come home. Mom asks if Rosalyn got Calvin to bed. She replies yes, but. Calvin yells down the stairs asking if that was Mom and Dad, did they get rid of the baby sitter, and thanking goodness they were home. Mom asks if he's been that way all night. Rosalyn says his voice gave out around 11:00, but yes. Calvin yells for them not to pay her anything. Mom tells Dad to give her a little bit extra. Dad wonders if five is enough. Rosalyn suggests eight, since college tuitions are up.
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07 DEC 1986
I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
Calvin asks Dad to read a story Hobbes wrote, "Goldilocks and the Three Tigers". Dad reads that Goldilocks walks in the forest, sees the house, goes into the house, sees the porridge in three bowls. Then the three tigers come home, divide Goldilocks into three parts, and dunk her in the porridge. Dad is disgusted by the story and refuses to continue. He says "Good night". Calvin laments he didn't even look at the illustrations. Hobbes complains about now being hungry.
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08 DEC 1986
What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
Calvin trudges along complaining about the rotten day. He comes upon Hobbes, who is lying on his back. Calvin buries his head and hands into Hobbes' fur and rubs him. Calvin walks away with a smile on his face, declaring it "fuzz therapy".
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09 DEC 1986
Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He's lost his homework assignment and wants to know what they're supposed to read for tomorrow. Susie suggests he's calling for some other reason. Calvin wonders why else he would call her. She suggests he misses the melodious sound of her voice. Calvin says she's crazy, and he just wants the assignment. Susie wants to hear Calvin tell her he misses the sound of her voice. Calvin yells that "This is blackmail!".
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10 DEC 1986
I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.
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11 DEC 1986
I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
Calvin has a great idea for school. He takes a ping-pong ball and cuts it in half. He draws a dot on each end. He puts one over each eye so it looks like he's paying attention. He asks Hobbes if he makes him look too interested. Hobbes says no, because Calvin is looking in the wrong direction.
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12 DEC 1986
Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
Calvin has bad news for Dad regarding his polls. Calvin tells him he's dropped two notches and his future is grim. Dad wonders what it would take to improve his standings. Calvin says he needs a VCR. Dad tells him he'll keep that in mind. Calvin tells Dad, who's reading the newspaper, that he hopes he's looking at the "Help Wanted" section.
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13 DEC 1986
Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
Calvin receives a chain letter in the mail. He reads that a man in Denver made copies and got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and went bald. Hobbes scoffs at the letter. He says those notes are for superstitious nincompoops and to throw the note away. Calvin continues, saying "a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer".
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14 DEC 1986
I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with "zygomorphic" on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with "in". Hobbes scores 40 with "nucleoplasm". Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars.
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15 DEC 1986
Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
Calvin has shrunk to the size of an insect. His only hope is to call for help. With all his might, he dials the phone. It's ringing, but will anyone hear him. Dad picks up the phone and hears buzzing. He says that better not be Calvin.
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16 DEC 1986
Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
Calvin rinses his hair and forms it into a point. He walks into the kitchen, telling Mom that the earth female should not be alarmed. His planet is dying, and they need cookies to survive. He tells her not to resist or she will be destroyed. He walks off with the cookie jar. Mom chases after him.
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17 DEC 1986
This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
Calvin plays with a Ouija board. He tells Hobbes the board knows all. They decide to ask the board which of them is smarter. Calvin calls for the board to answer their question. As they struggle over the pointer, Hobbes says it's heading for the "H". Calvin disagrees, saying it's trying to go to "C".
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18 DEC 1986
Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
They decide to ask the Ouija board a different question. Calvin wants to know if he'll grow up to be president. The pointer starts to move. G..O..D..F..O..R..B..I..D. Calvin kicks the board and says he'll ask for an editorial when he wants one.
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19 DEC 1986
How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
Hobbes wonders how the Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries. Calvin decides to ask it. The pointer goes to "3". Calvin remembers he didn't ask for the Ouija board last Christmas, he asked for a computer.
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20 DEC 1986
Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this, you'll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, but you won't let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin.
Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink.
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21 DEC 1986
Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him.
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22 DEC 1986
Oh boy, you got some clay. I'm making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents don't smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo, you sculpt something!
Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him "OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!".
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23 DEC 1986
A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance.
Calvin tells Hobbes a homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you invested your time and skill into it. It says it's a personal gift, not a generic one. He tells Hobbes it also means you need a bigger allowance.
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24 DEC 1986
This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good.
Hobbes is reading a news article that says many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin can believe it. He says it stresses him. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains that he hates being good.
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25 DEC 1986
Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Let's go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since it's Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. That's long enough! Wake up! Wake up! It's Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year.
Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.
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26 DEC 1986
Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? They'll fine you ten cents, now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
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27 DEC 1986
Hey Dad, I have a question. Sure, Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears, or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. I'm scared to try it.
Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question.
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28 DEC 1986
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence.
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29 DEC 1986
Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
Calvin points out the toboggan, suicide sled, to Hobbes. He indicates the unique design that gets snow sprayed into your face and the shows the lack of steering mechanism. He says it's truly a danger to life and limb. Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill, coated in snow, cheering with joy.
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30 DEC 1986
Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
Calvin asks if he can turn up the temperature in the house. Mom tells him that's expensive and to put on a sweater. Calvin notices the thermostat goes up to 90 degrees. He says they could be sitting around in shorts. Mom warns him to keep his hands off. Calvin says he can see his breath and will only turn it up to 75. Mom yells "I said don't touch it!" Calvin says his hands are numb, he can't move the switch. He'll go put on a sweater.
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31 DEC 1986
Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".
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01 JAN 1987
Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
Calvin comes into the house tracking mud behind him. Mom yells that she hopes he took his boots off before he walked across the floor. Calvin takes his boots off, leaving them on the floor. He yells back to Mom that of course he did. She doesn't have to tell him all the time.
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02 JAN 1987
Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
Calvin pulls his toboggan up the hill. He wipes his head from the effort. Later, when he returns home, he asks Dad if he's given any more thought to Calvin's suggestion of a backyard ski lift.
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03 JAN 1987
Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
Hobbes comes wobbling along, eyes wide open, body swirling. Calvin says Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
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04 JAN 1987
What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.
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05 JAN 1987
Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
Hobbes comes up to Calvin, who's sitting at his desk writing. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's writing his autobiography. When Hobbes points out that he's only six years old, Calvin points out that he only has one sheet of paper.
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06 JAN 1987
Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
Hobbes is lying in bed reading a book. Calvin asks if it's the book he gave him. Hobbes replies yes, and starts to explain why. Calvin stops him. He brings paper and a pencil over and asks Hobbes if he'd mind writing it in two pages for Calvin by tomorrow morning.
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07 JAN 1987
Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them "ridiculous ideas". Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him.
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08 JAN 1987
Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.
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09 JAN 1987
Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
Calvin sits on the top of the snowy hill on his sled. He's thinking that it's okay to go down the hill, he'll miss the trees. He'll stop before he goes over the ledge at the bottom. He won't go into the ice-covered pond. Besides, the ice is probably really thick. Calvin says his brain is trying to kill him.
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10 JAN 1987
Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
Calvin is getting his coat and boots on to go outside. As Calvin walks along, he hears "Galosh, galosh, galosh".
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11 JAN 1987
Boy, is this hill big! We'll have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? There's a rock up ahead! Look out! Or, as a third possibility. Do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything? Not so close to the ledge! Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad or crazy? Aughh! I can't look! Wump! You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. I choose crazy.
As they come down the hill on the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he thinks human nature is good or evil. Hobbes wants Calvin to watch out for the trees. Calvin clarifies about being basically good, with bad tendencies or basically bad, with good tendencies. Hobbes wants his to watch out for the rock. Calvin offers a third choice, that people are basically crazy. Hobbes thinks they're too close to the edge. Calvin wants to know what Hobbes thinks. Hobbes can't watch as they crash into a tree. Calvin thinks it's rude for Hobbes to change the subject after each sentence. Hobbes chooses crazy.
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12 JAN 1987
I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Goodness, why'd you do that? I dunno, I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.
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13 JAN 1987
Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? It's just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldn't care. I'd say, "Who needs you, Calvin? I've got a hundred other friends!" Then my hundred friends and I would go do something fun, and leave Calvin all alone! Ha! ... and as long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony.
Susie wipes a tear from her eye. She wonders why Calvin is so mean. She wishes she had a hundred friends, then she wouldn't care what Calvin said. She goes on to say she and her hundred friends would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone. But then, Susie sits down. She says that as long as she's dreaming, she also wants a pony.
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14 JAN 1987
I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it. Maybe you should apologize to her. I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution.
Calvin tells Hobbes he feels bad about calling Susie names and hurting her feelings. He says he's sorry he did it. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize to her. Calvin keeps hoping there's a less obvious solution.
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15 JAN 1987
Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Yeah, right.
Susie walks through the snow saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". She walks along smiling, then drops her head down and says "Yeah, right".
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16 JAN 1987
Um ... hi, Susie ... I ... uh ... well ... Get lost Calvin. You're mean. Don't walk away! I'm trying to apologize, you dumb noodleloaf! Slap!
Calvin walks up to Susie and haltingly starts to apologize. Susie tells him to get lost and that he's mean. She walks away. Calvin yells after her that she shouldn't walk away, he's trying to apologize. Then, he calls her a dumb noodleloaf. He smacks himself on the forehead.
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17 JAN 1987
Susie, I'm sorry I called you names. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Well, you did hurt my feelings. But I accept your apology. Thank you. Oh boy, thank goodness I got that over with! ... on second thought, let's see you grovel a little bit!
Calvin runs after Susie. He tells her he's sorry he called her names and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Susie says her feelings were hurt, but that she accepts his apology. Calvin happily runs off saying that goodness that's over with. Susie yells after him that on second thought, he should grovel a little bit.
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18 JAN 1987
Should I or shouldn't I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh, don't play innocent with me, you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, it takes one to know one, Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises, promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin, time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...
Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.
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19 JAN 1987
Hey, Hobbes, you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out, you lunatic! Don't get huffy. I want to savor this.
Calvin comes in with a couple envelopes and says one is for Hobbes. Hobbes is so happy, since he never gets letters. He looks at the envelope wondering who could have sent it and what could it be. Calvin yells for him to open it and calls him a lunatic. Hobbes tells him not to get huffy and that he wants to savor this.
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20 JAN 1987
Well? Well? What'd you get? It looks like an invitation. An invitation? Who'd invite you anywhere? A lot of people, that's who, buster. There's obviously been some mistake, nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You can't get the insurance. Well somebody is inviting me somewhere. I got an invitation. Who? What's it say?? Read it already!! Probably some big state dinner. I hope I can find my cummerbund.
Hobbes looks at what he got in the mail. He says it's an invitation. Calvin wants to know who would invite him anywhere. Calvin says no one invites a tiger because you can't get the insurance. Hobbes says someone is inviting him. Calvin shouts for Hobbes to tell him who invited him and to read the invitation. Hobbes figures it's probably some big state dinner. He hopes he can find his cummerbund.
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21 JAN 1987
So what does the invitation say, you dumb hairball? Call me names, will you? I'll read it when I'm good and ready. Aargghh! Oooohh! Mpf! Ggh! Rrgghghmfmff! Ok, now I'm ready ... ahem ... "Dear Hobbes." Faster!
Calvin continues to badger Hobbes about his invitation. He asks what it says and calls Hobbes a dumb hairball. Hobbes tells him he'll read it when he's good and ready. Calvin burns with impatience. Hobbes starts reading his invitation....slowly. Calvin yells at Hobbes to read faster.
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22 JAN 1987
Well, well! It's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No, it doesn't say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately, she probably wanted to insure it so she'll know it didn't get lost. Sometimes those take longer. I'll have to sign for it and all. I'm sure she's taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says, "You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with, if you must."
Hobbes reads that it's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. Calvin asks if it talks about him, and Hobbes says no. Calvin thinks his invitation must have been sent separately. Susie probably insured it so it wouldn't get lost. Those invitations take longer to arrive. Calvin figures he'll have to sign for his invitation when it comes. Hobbes notices something on the back of the invitation. Susie wrote that Hobbes can bring "that stupid kid you hang around, if you must".
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23 JAN 1987
We get to go to a birthday party! That stupid Susie. Balloons, cake, presents ... oh boy! She won't be getting a very big present from me, that's for sure. I bet we'll play games too! It will be fun! Hmph. Maybe we'll play "Spin the Bottle"! Oh get real!
Hobbes celebrates being able to go to the birthday party. Calvin calls Susie stupid. Hobbes talks about the balloons, cake and presents. Calvin says Susie won't be getting a big present from him. Hobbes figures they'll play games, too. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests they might play "spin the bottle". Calvin yells for him to "get real".
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24 JAN 1987
I'll make a list of possible gifts for Susie's birthday. What should we give her? how about a mouth full of broken teeth? That's what I'd like to give her. oh, don't be so cranky. I think we should get her a can of tuna fish. Tuna fish? Why would she want that? Well, maybe she wouldn't, and we could offer to take it back ... and borrow some bread, a little mayo ... right Hobbes.
Hobbes is making out a list of gifts they could give Susie. Calvin suggests a mouth full of broken teeth. Hobbes thinks a can of tuna fish would be better. Calvin wonders why she'd want that. Hobbes figures maybe she wouldn't want it, they could offer to take it back, get some mayo and bread...
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25 JAN 1987
Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes makes some jumps and wins the game. Calvin pitches a fit. He says he hates it when Hobbes wins, he hates the game, he hates the world. Calvin goes on to accuse Hobbes of cheating, and says he didn't want to play in the first place. Around and around he goes, yelling the whole time, until he flops down to the ground panting. Hobbes reminds him it's just a game. Calvin says he knows and that Hobbes should see him when he loses in real life.
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26 JAN 1987
Susie's house is the next one up. This is our last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking to Susie's party. Calvin has a gift in his hands. As they approach her home, Calvin says this is their last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.
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27 JAN 1987
Hi, Susie. Happy birthday! Hello, Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh, look at your stuffed tiger! He's wearing a tie! He's just adorable! Ok, you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. C'mon in.
Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.
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28 JAN 1987
Ok, everyone. The idea of a scavenger hunt is to bring us back as many of these items as you can in half an hour. Let's go! Quick Hobbes, what's the first item? An old license plate. Great! I saw one on the way over! C'mon! good thing I always carry a Swiss army knife. Nobody's coming, right? Is this game legal?
Susie has a scavenger hunt at her party. Off go Calvin and Hobbes for the first item, an old license plate. Calvin remembers seeing one on their way over to Susie's. He pulls out his Swiss army knife and starts to remove the plate from a car. Hobbes wonders if this game is legal.
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29 JAN 1987
Here's a paper plate for the birthday cake, Calvin. Thank you. I hope it's good. I hate it when the birthday kid chooses something gross like coconut. You don't have to worry. It's chocolate. Oh, good. Did you see it? Hey! Who cut a piece of my cake already?! I didn't even get to blow out the candles!! It's nice and moist, too.
Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.
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30 JAN 1987
Glad you both could come. Thank you for the nice present. Good-bye. Mom may not want this piece of cake and ice cream we're bringing her.
Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.
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31 JAN 1987
Hey! It snowed last night! Oh, boy! Look at it all! They'll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately, that's a relative measure.
Calvin looks out the window and sees that it snowed. He's sure they'll have to close all the schools. He says the snow must be waist deep. As he stands waiting for the school bus, we see that it is waist high...his waist. Calvin says "Unfortunately, that's a relative measure".
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01 FEB 1987
Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.
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02 FEB 1987
What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
Calvin asks Susie what the teacher is handing out. Susie tells him it's their report cards. Calvin asks if they're being graded. Susie replies yes. Calvin asks if they don't get a few practice semesters.
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03 FEB 1987
I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
Calvin tells Dad he has his report card. Dad asks to see it. Calvin reminds Dad that he once said it didn't matter what grade you got, as long as you were trying your hardest. Dad looks at the card and yells Calvin could be trying harder than this. Calvin then asks if Dad admits to lying before.
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04 FEB 1987
Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
Calvin complains that Dad says the report card shows not enough time is spent on homework. From now on, the time from dinner to bedtime is homework time. Calvin says that's unfair. He thinks if he finishes it faster than that, he shouldn't have to stay in his room. Hobbes is sitting at the desk writing Calvin's homework. Hobbes asks if he can help it if he's so fast.
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05 FEB 1987
Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he can have some clay. Calvin says to help himself, and that the stuff is impossible to work with. Calvin says he has a pretty good bowl or something going. He says it started out as a Phantom jet, but got squashed. So now, he thinks it's a bowl. As he says he's proud of it, Hobbes works his clay into a tiger reaching out. Hobbes says Calvin's bowl is very good.
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06 FEB 1987
Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
Calvin comes growling into the kitchen. Mom says there's a dinosaur in the kitchen. She asks the dinosaur to tell Calvin it's almost time for dinner. She mentions she would invite the dinosaur to eat, but that dinosaurs aren't allowed at the dinner table. Calvin growls out of the kitchen into the dining room. He thinks dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
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07 FEB 1987
Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
Mom is by the bathtub, and she yells for Calvin to come take his bath. Calvin replies he's not taking baths anymore. Mom asks how he's going to stay clean. Calvin picks up the vacuum cleaner and says "Easy".
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08 FEB 1987
Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.
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09 FEB 1987
Where's Dad? He's in the living room, making a fire. A fire! Oh boy! Oh, in the fireplace.
Calvin asks Mom where Dad is. She tells him he's in the living room, making a fire. Calvin runs into the living room with a big smile on his face. He stops as he sees Dad and says "Oh. In the fireplace".
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10 FEB 1987
Wanna call that a single, or give this up?
Hobbes carefully makes a snowball and throws it. Calvin swings his bat and hits the snowball. PIFF! Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to call that a single or give this up.
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11 FEB 1987
What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didn't say.
Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".
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12 FEB 1987
Where do we keep all our chainsaws Mom? We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin. We don't? Not any? Nope. How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
Calvin asks Mom where they keep all their chainsaws. Mom tells him they don't have any chainsaws. Calvin asks if they don't have any, and Mom says no. Calvin walks off wondering how he's ever going to learn to juggle.
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13 FEB 1987
The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back.
A giant amoeba slides across the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Mom looks over as the cookies are being eaten. She pulls the blanket off Calvin, telling him "Nice try. Put them back".
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14 FEB 1987
The majestic eagle circles slowly in the clouds. With eyes so sharp he can spot movement a mile below. He sights his prey and dives! Reaching speeds of more than 100 mph, his unwary prize will never know what hit it! Wake up Dad! It's Saturday! Zz ... wha?
A majestic eagle circles in the clouds. He spots his prey and dives. The unwary prize won't know what hit it. Calvin is diving on top of Dad, who's lying asleep in the bed. Calvin tells Dad to wake up, it's Saturday.
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15 FEB 1987
Here is success Mr. Jones. He lives an a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is the new Mercedes in the driveway. It's anyone's guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges. Here comes Mr. Jones out of his attractive suburban home. He hops in his red sports car. Off he goes to work. 80 ... 90 ... 100 miles an hour! ... along the edge of the Grand Canyon!! Suddenly his steering wheel locks and he brakes fail! He careens over the edge! Oh no! Down he goes! His only hope is to climb out the sun roof and jump! Maybe, just maybe, he can grab a branch and save himself! He unwinds the sun roof! Can he make it? No! The car explodes in mid-air propelling millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere! Kablooie! The neighbors hear the boom echoing across the canyon. They pile into a mini-van to investigate! What will happen to them?
Calvin is playing with a toy car on his sofa. Mr. Jones hops into his sports car. He drives to work, faster and faster, along the edge of the Grand Canyon. His steering locks and his brakes fail. Over the edge he plummets. Mr. Jones tries to climb out his sun roof to grab a branch in an attempt to save himself. The car explodes in mid-air, sending millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere. The car lies on the floor as Calvin looks at it. Calvin puts the toy back on the sofa and starts the saga of the neighbors, who've heard the booms across the canyon. They get in their mini-van to investigate. Calvin wonders what will happen to them.
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16 FEB 1987
Dad, did you do a mating dance when you first saw mom? A mating dance? Yeah, I saw some birds do it on TV. They went, "awk awk braau-auukkk!" yes, that's more or less how I reacted. To what, wise guy? ... think carefully.
Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.
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17 FEB 1987
Out you go, Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness, you're a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.
Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.
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18 FEB 1987
I cleaned my room, Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well, that was very thoughtful. Of course, this isn't going to be a habit or anything.
Calvin comes down the stairs and tells Mom he cleaned his room. He tells her he did it without her having to tell him. She compliments him on being thoughtful. Calvin walks away smiling, then turns around and yells that this isn't going to be a habit or anything.
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19 FEB 1987
How come it doesn't take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe I'm more efficient. Maybe you don't do as good a job. Why don't you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok, can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin, this dust ball is going to be our little secret, all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear, I thought you did this room!
Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.
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20 FEB 1987
I've been in the water about 20 minutes look at my fingers. They're all wrinkled! So are my toes! Pretty neat huh? "Big pink raisin discovered in tub - boy's whereabouts unknown!" Aaugh!
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He points out his fingers and toes, which are all wrinkled. Calvin thinks it's neat. Hobbes imagines a news heading "Big pink raisin discovered in tub, boy's whereabouts unknown". Calvin shrieks and starts climbing out of the tub.
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21 FEB 1987
For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in, she'll thank me. Mark my words.
Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.
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22 FEB 1987
Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired, Dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
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23 FEB 1987
Oh, Mom, I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin, I wish you'd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Here's the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! You're not going to school like that! Aw c'mon, Mom! It's class picture day!
Calvin is eating breakfast and tells Mom he needs Crisco for school. Mom hands him the Crisco and tells him he should remember these things the night before. Calvin puts a bunch in his hair. Mom can't believe he did that. She tells him he's not going to school like that. Calvin pleads with her. It's class picture day.
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24 FEB 1987
What with your hair? I told Mom I'm getting my school picture taken today, and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. That's true. You do. Well don't just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There, much better! What'd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee, I wish I had a mirror.
Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.
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25 FEB 1987
The bus is going to be here any minute. You're sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. You're not kidding me, are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... "Astro boy." All right! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's sure he's fixed his hair so it looks okay. Hobbes says it looks great. Calvin doesn't believe him. Hobbes tells him to trust him and that he looks like "Astro Boy". Calvin is happy with that and now can't wait to get his picture taken.
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26 FEB 1987
Calvin! What did you do to your hair?? Don't you know we have our pictures taken today? Of course, silly. That's why I did it. It's Crisco. Does your mom know you look like that? Sort of. Hobbes fixed me up a little bit at the bus stop. Wow. I wish I had some Crisco. Wait till Mom sends my picture to Grandma!
Susie is shocked at Calvin's hair. She reminds him it's class picture day. He tells her that's why he did it. Susie wonders if his Mom knows he looks like that. Calvin tells her "sort of". He says Hobbes fixed him up at the bus stop. Susie puts her head in her hands and wishes she had some Crisco. Calvin can't wait till Mom sends his picture to Grandma.
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27 FEB 1987
Ok, kid, sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. That's it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? don't take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid, put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok, take one quick!
The photographer sits Calvin on the stool and tells him to look at him. Calvin starts taking his shirt off. The photographer tells him not to take his shirt off, but Calvin tells him he has a face painted on his stomach. The photographer tells him to put his shirt back on. Calvin points out that when he breathes out, the picture changes. He tells the photographer to take a picture quick.
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28 FEB 1987
Look, Hobbes, I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Aren't they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah, see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mother's going to go into conniptions of course. Oh c'mon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring.
Calvin has his school pictures and shows them to Hobbes. Hobbes starts laughing at Calvin and his hair. He says the pictures are great. Calvin agrees. Hobbes rolls onto his back laughing and points out one picture with a funny expression. Calvin says he got one of his eyes to roll back on that one. As Hobbes wipes tears of laughter from his eyes, he points out that Mom is going to go into conniptions. Calvin says think of the memories the pictures will bring years from now.
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01 MAR 1987
Glik glik glik. Oh no! what have I done?!? The human body is 80% water. Little did Calvin realize how critical it is to maintain that! Now it's too late! By drinking that extra glass of water, Calvin has upset that precious balance! He is now 90% water! Everything solid in Calvin's body begins to dissolve! He is becoming liquid!! His only hope is somehow to get to an icebox and freeze himself solid until he can get proper medical attention! Unfortunately, as a liquid, Calvin can only run downhill! Can he make it? Can he make it?? I don't think I'm going to make it. There's a gas station up ahead. Just hold on. Didn't I tell you not to drink so much before we left?!
Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.
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02 MAR 1987
Calvin, how do you explain this test score? It's terrible! I didn't study for it. What do you mean you didn't study for it? Why not? I forgot. You forgot? How could you possibly forget?? What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I? Don't give me this amnesia stuff!
Dad is questioning Calvin as to why his test score was so terrible. Calvin says he didn't study for it. Dad asks for clarification as to why he didn't study for it. Calvin tells him he forgot. Dad wonders how he could have forgotten to study. Calvin holds his hands out, eyes wide, and asks where and who he is. Dad tells him not to give him that amnesia stuff.
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03 MAR 1987
Gee, it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin, knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? You're not fooling anyone, young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... you're asking for an early bedtime, kid. Well, he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is "dessert" you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. That's it, bed!
Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.
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04 MAR 1987
I've had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since you won't stop it, you're going to bed. You can let me know if you want to be serious. Wink. Aauughh! Mister, there's a tiger in this room!!
Dad carries Calvin up the stairs saying he's had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since Calvin won't stop it, it's off to bed. Dad tells him to let him know if he wants to be serious. Calvin winks at Hobbes as Dad leaves. When Dad closes the door, Calvin yells out that there's a tiger in the room.
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05 MAR 1987
Calvin, all we want is for you to study and do your best in school, education is very important. That's why this amnesia game has to stop. No more "forgetting" to do your homework. Ok? Ok, mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right, Dad. You got it.
Dad sits on the bed and tells Calvin that they just want him to study and do well in school. He tells Calvin education is very important. He tells him that's why the amnesia game has to stop. Calvin needs to stop "forgetting" to do his homework. Dad asks "OK?", Calvin replies "OK, mister". Dad leans forward and yells "OK?", Calvin replies "uh, Dad. Right, Dad. You got it".
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06 MAR 1987
I'm glad to see you're doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... I'm doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didn't say phenomenal.
Dad looks in on Calvin doing his homework. Dad says he's glad Calvin is doing his homework and asks how his math class is coming along. Calvin tells him great. Dad wants to know how great. Calvin says real great. Dad asks if he's been passing all his quizzes. Calvin replies he didn't say phenomenal.
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07 MAR 1987
RING RING RING RING RI ... It's never for me and I hate taking messages.
Calvin walks by the ringing telephone. It continues to ring as he walks over to the wall. He pulls the phone cord out of the plug, which stops the phone from ringing. Calvin says it's never for him, and he hates taking messages.
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08 MAR 1987
I'M HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school, I though you might appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and I'll thank you.
Hobbes peeks out the window, sneaks behind a potted plant, hides under the chair, and finally races toward the door. Calvin comes in the door and is immediately pounced upon by Hobbes. As Hobbes sits on Calvin's back, he tells Calvin that after seven boring hours of school, he figured Calvin would appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Calvin wants Hobbes to let him get his bat to show his thanks.
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09 MAR 1987
Hobbes, look! There's a little raccoon on the ground. Is it alive? I think so, but he's hurt. See, he's hardly breathing. Better not touch him if he's hurt. Yeah. You wait here and guard him. I'll run and get Mom. I sure hope she can help. Of course she can! You don't get to be Mom if you can't fix everything just right.
Calvin finds a little raccoon on the ground. It's hurt and is barely breathing. Hobbes suggests not touching him. Calvin decides to go tell Mom. Hobbes hopes she can help. Calvin tells him you don't get to be a Mom if you can't fix everything just right.
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10 MAR 1987
There's Hobbes guarding him, Mom. The little raccoon's right over there! Ooh, Calvin, I don't know if we can save him. He looks pretty bad. Go get a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Right! I don't think this poor little guy is going to make it, Hobbes (sigh) I hate it when these things happen. ... you can tell I'm upset when I start talking to you.
Calvin and Mom come back to the raccoon. Mom isn't sure they can save him. She sends Calvin for a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Calvin runs off, and Mom sits next to Hobbes. She says she doesn't think the raccoon will make it. She hates when things like this happen. She then realizes she's talking to Hobbes and says you can tell she's upset when she starts talking to him.
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11 MAR 1987
Well, I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. We'll keep him in the garage, and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are, I'll be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin, you don't even know what we're having.
Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.
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12 MAR 1987
Has he eaten anything? No. don't die little raccoon. It wouldn't be very grateful of you to break my heart.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the raccoon. Hobbes asks if he's eaten anything, and Calvin replies no. They continue to look at the raccoon. Calvin tells the raccoon not to die. He says it wouldn't be grateful of the raccoon to break his heart.
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13 MAR 1987
I can't sleep. Me either. I keep thinking about the raccoon. I hope he lives. Me too. I think animals are always so cute.
Hobbes can't sleep. Calvin can't either, from worrying about the raccoon. Hobbes hopes the raccoon lives. Calvin does, too. Hobbes says that he thinks animals are always so cute.
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14 MAR 1987
Dad, did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Waahhhh!! I'm sorry too, kiddo. But he didn't have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could, but now he's gone. Sniff. I know I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me.
Calvin asks Dad if he checked on the raccoon. Dad says he did, and the raccoon died. Calvin starts crying. Dad consoles him by saying the raccoon didn't have much of a chance. Dad says that at least the raccoon died warm and safe. They had done all they could. Calvin sniffles and says that even though the raccoon is gone from outside, he's not gone from inside.
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15 MAR 1987
Here's a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. You're kind of fuzzy! Ok, make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Let's see! Let's see! It's developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! It's great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Let's take some more! That's it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Aren't they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film?
Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.
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16 MAR 1987
This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world.
Calvin shows Hobbes where Dad buried the raccoon. Calvin says he didn't even know the raccoon existed a few days ago, now he's gone forever. He says it's like he met the raccoon for no reason. As soon as he said hello, he had to say good-bye. As Calvin sniffles, he says that in a sad, awful, terrible way, he is glad he met the raccoon. As they walk over the hill, Calvin says "What a stupid world".
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17 MAR 1987
You know Hobbes, I can't figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didn't do anything wrong. He was just little! What's the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!? It's either mean or its arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies. Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
Lying in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't figure out that dying stuff. He wonders why the raccoon had to die, it hadn't done anything wrong. It was so little, what was the point of putting him here and taking him so soon? Both of them crawl under the bed. He says it's either mean or arbitrary, and either way he's got the heebie-jeebies. Hobbes wonders why they always discuss those type of things at night.
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18 MAR 1987
Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle. She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But don't you go anywhere. Don't worry.
Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom said death is as natural as life and is part of the life cycle. He says Mom told him people don't really understand it, but there are many things people don't understand. They just have to do the best they can with the knowledge they have. As they start to walk away, Calvin says he guesses that makes sense. He then hugs Hobbes and says "but don't YOU go anywhere". Hobbes tells him not to worry.
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19 MAR 1987
Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now it's a mud pit! This sign says, "Future site of Shady Acres condominiums." Animals can't afford condos! "Shady Acres"? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer.
As they continue their walk in the woods, Calvin asks what happened to the trees. They've been cleared out. Calvin says there used to be lots of animals in the woods, now there is just a mud pit. Hobbes reads a sign saying that area will become the Shady Acres condominiums. As Hobbes looks around, the only shade he sees is from a bulldozer.
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20 MAR 1987
Where are all the animals supposed to live now that they cut down these woods to put in houses?? By golly, how would people like it if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in new trees?!? No good, they didn't leave the keys.
Calvin wants to know where the animals are going to live since they've cut down the woods. Calvin wonders what people would think if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in trees. Calvin and Hobbes both look up. Hobbes checks the bulldozer, but the keys weren't left in it.
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21 MAR 1987
It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow, and they leveled it in a week. It's gone. After they build new houses here, they'll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations, and pretty soon this whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there won't be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. I think if you're born, it's too late.
Calvin notes the woods took a hundred years to grow, but was cut down in a week. He states that after the houses are built, roads will be widened, and gas stations will be built. The whole area will be just a big strip. Eventually, there won't be a nice spot anywhere. Calvin wonders if you can refuse to inherit a world. Hobbes thinks once you're born, it's too late.
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22 MAR 1987
Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.
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23 MAR 1987
Hobbes, want to see my transmogrifier? I didn't know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you'd like to be. It's amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isn't it?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see his transmogrifier. Calvin says he just got it, which is a cardboard box sitting upside down. He explains you just step in, set the dials, then turn into whatever you want. Hobbes is amazed at what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.
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24 MAR 1987
This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator, and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room, just write it on the side.
Calvin shows Hobbes that you can set the transmogrifier dial to whatever you want. He explains that the machine restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. The arrow on the side of the box can point to those choices. Hobbes wonders what happens if you want to be something else. Calvin explains he left some room, so you can just write it on the side.
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25 MAR 1987
Well, what do you say? Would you like to be transmogrified? I don't think so. Being a tiger is my area of expertise. Don't be scared. The process is instantaneous and completely painless. Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story gastropod - a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Gosh, how can I refuse? Well, if you don't like that, be something else! I don't care!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to be transmogrified. Hobbes thinks being a tiger is his area of expertise. Calvin tells him not to worry, the change is painless and instantaneous. Calvin tells Hobbes to just think, he could be a 500-story tall gastropod, a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Hobbes rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He wonders how he can refuse. Calvin tells him that if he doesn't want to be that, to pick something else. Calvin doesn't care.
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26 MAR 1987
Look, if you can't make up your mind, I'll go first and turn myself into something. I'll show you. But what's the point of turning yourself into something else? No one's done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok, I'm in. set the dial on "lungfish" ... no make it "musk ox" ... no ...
Calvin is impatient with Hobbes. He says he'll go into the transmogrifier first. Hobbes wants to know what the point is to changing yourself into something else. Calvin tells him to think of the knowledge gained. Hobbes comments on what horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. From inside the box, Calvin tells Hobbes to set it to "lungfish", then changes his mind to "musk ox", no wait...
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27 MAR 1987
What are you going to transmogrify into? How about a tiger? That's a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Just turn the arrow and push the button then. All right, here you go. Zap! Did it work? Boy, I'm hot. How do you stand having all this fur?
Hobbes asks what Calvin is going to transmogrify into. Calvin thinks maybe a tiger. Hobbes thinks that's a great idea, because the world can always use another tiger. Hobbes sets the control and ZAP! Hobbes asks if it worked. Calvin says that he's hot and wonders how Hobbes can stand to have all that fur.
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28 MAR 1987
So you're a tiger now? Yep, let me out. Words fail me. I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he's a tiger now. He replies yes. Hobbes lifts the box. He looks down on a Calvin-sized version of himself, complete with furry cheeks. Hobbes states that words fail him. Calvin says he's disappointed, too. He reminds Hobbes that transmogrification is a new technology.
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29 MAR 1987
Thanks for the lunch Mom! I'm going outside. Refueled, the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin, you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30,000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking, I'm afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. We're stacked up over Washington, and we'll be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin, you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog, from now on I'm playing "bus".
Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1987
So Calvin, what's it like to be a tiger now? Kinda fuzzy, but not that different. So! What do you want to talk about? Do we eat soon?
Hobbes asks Calvin what it's like to be a tiger. Calvin replies that it's kinda fuzzy, but not much different. They look at each other and Hobbes asks what Calvin wants to talk about. Calvin asks if they eat soon.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1987
Hi, Mom! Will you make Hobbes and me a big tuna sandwich? I thought you hated tuna fish. Not anymore. I'm a tiger now. I thought Hobbes was your tiger. Now I'm one too. I transmogrified. Oh, I see. My, she's taking this well, but the strain will surely crack her soon.
Calvin comes into the kitchen and asks Mom if she'll make him and Hobbes a tuna fish sandwich. Mom says she thought Calvin didn't like tuna fish. Calvin tells her that he does now, because he's a tiger. Mom asks if Hobbes is a tiger. Calvin says yes, and he is since he transmogrified. Mom understands. Calvin, the tiger, thinks she's bearing up well under the strain but that she'll crack soon.
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01 APR 1987
I'm home! Hi Dad. Notice anything different about me? Uh ... new haircut? Geez, did you go blind?? I'm a tiger! Oh, I thought you meant besides that. Calvin, your Dad's very tired and ... Hope you want tuna for dinner dear.
Dad comes home, and Calvin asks if he notices anything different about him. Dad guesses a new haircut. Calvin asks if he went blind. Calvin says he's a tiger. Dad says he thought Calvin meant BESIDES him being a tiger. He then tells Calvin he's tired, as Mom yells from the kitchen that she hopes Dad wants tuna for dinner.
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02 APR 1987
Well Hobbes, it's been fun, but I don't think I was meant to be a tiger. Just set the dial to "Calvin" and I'll transmogrify back to a boy. Here you go. Zap! Oops! Try again lunkhead.
Calvin decides he wasn't meant to be a tiger, so he is going to change back. He has Hobbes set the switch to turn him back to "Calvin" and ZAP! As Hobbes says "OOPS!", Calvin comes out from the box looking like a frog. He tells Hobbes to "try again, lunkhead".
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1987
Here I am, back being Calvin. Your machine works amazingly well. It's my own design. What will you do with it now? Good question. ... although I suppose we could turn Susie into a bowl of chowder if we could just get her into the machine. Leave me out of your life's plans. You little weirdo.
Calvin comes out from his box looking himself. Hobbes compliments him on how well his machine works. They're trying to decide what to do with it next. As Susie walks by, Calvin says he could turn her into a bowl of chowder if he could just get her into the machine. Susie will have no part of it, though. She tells Calvin to leave her out of his life's plans.
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04 APR 1987
Calvin eats one bite too many! He begins to swell! Inflating like a raft. He grows bigger and bigger! Oh, no! how much larger can he get? Ooooh, I think I'm going to explode. No wonder! I've never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting! I hope you learned your lesson.
Calvin eats one too many bites of food at the dinner table and begins to swell. He gets bigger and bigger. He wonders how much larger he can get. He thinks he's going to explode. Mom tells him she's never seen anyone eat so much at one sitting. She hopes he's learned his lesson.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1987
Look, Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot run. Jane sees Spot run. Way to go, Jane! Boy I hate homework. Yahh! Whoop! Hey! Yow! Whoa! Stop! Aaaughh!! Gaackk! Help! Help! Whap!! Bonk! Bonk! What on earth are you doing? Where's your homework? I couldn't concentrate.
Calvin is sitting at his desk complaining about his homework. Suddenly, his chair takes off running around the room. It stops and ejects Calvin onto his bed, where his blanket grabs him. It whips him off into the hallway, where Calvin bounces down the stairs. He dizzily walks along. Mom asks what he's doing and where his homework is. Calvin loopily replies he couldn't concentrate.
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06 APR 1987
Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
Calvin is on the school swing. The bell rings, and recess is over. As he hops off the swing, his pants get caught. The back of his pants is all torn up. Calvin wonders why you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard.
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07 APR 1987
I can't believe I ripped my pants! Recess is over. I'm supposed to be back in class! I can't go in like this! What am I going to do?? ... of all the days to wear the underpants with little rocket ships.
Calvin looks at the back of his pants. He can't believe he ripped them. He knows he's supposed to be back in class. He wonders what he'll do. Then he remembers. He walks off saying "of all the days to wear the underpants with the little rocket ships".
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08 APR 1987
Look at the size of this rip! Maybe I can pull my shirt down over it. No, that doesn't work. Maybe I can tuck my shirt in the hole. ... nope ... maybe I can stick the ripped part under my belt. No, that doesn't work either. Maybe I can scoot around on my rear the rest of the day.
Calvin tries to pull his shirt down over the rip. Then he tries to tuck the shirt into the hole. No, maybe he can pull the ripped part under his belt. That doesn't work either. He sits down and wonders if he can scoot around on his rear the rest of the day.
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09 APR 1987
Please don't let the teacher call on me! Don't make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please don't embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy.
Calvin sits at his school desk, begging not to have to go in front of the class. He clasps his hands together praying that Miss Wormwood call on someone else. He begs for her not to embarrass him. Miss Wormwood calls on Calvin to go to the board. Calvin says so much for his ever joining the clergy.
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10 APR 1987
Calvin, will you do the next problem at the board please? No. why not? Frankly, I'd rather not say. Oh, you wouldn't. It's a personal matter. You're going to have to do better than that. Do the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror in your heart?
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he'll show the next problem on the board. He says no and stays in his seat. Miss Wormwood asks him why not, and Calvin replies he'd rather not say. He says it's a personal matter. She says he'll have to do better than that. Calvin asks if the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror into her heart.
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11 APR 1987
So your teacher didn't know you'd ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? That sums it up. How awful! What did you do?? I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class. That's why you're home early? Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
Hobbes is talking to Calvin. He asks for clarification that Miss Wormwood didn't know he had ripped his pants, so she called on him to go to the board. Calvin says that's right, and Hobbes asks what he did. Calvin says he didn't have a choice, so he mooned the whole class. Hobbes asks if that's why he's home early. Calvin says that three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
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12 APR 1987
During emergency landing, replace dinner tray and bring seat to upright position. Extinguish all smoking materials. Including spacecraft, if possible. Out of fuel, the courageous Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on the distant planet Zok! The valiant explorer surveys the Zokkian landscape, who knows what dangers lie hidden in the cratered terrain? Undaunted, Spiff sets out to find help! Miles later, it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited! Our hero is marooned on a lifeless planet! Alone on an alien world. Alone ... all alone ... Darn it, why doesn't anyone ever tell me when the lunch bell rings?
Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on planet Zok. He surveys the landscape and goes for help. It's obvious the planet is uninhabited. Spiff is marooned on a lifeless planet. Calvin looks around his classroom and sees all the empty desks. As he runs out, he wonders why no one tells him when the lunch bell rings.
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13 APR 1987
Susie, where's Miss Wormwood? Who's that lady at her desk? Miss Wormwoods sick. That's our substitute teacher. A substitute? Let's see your teaching certificate, lady!
Calvin asks Susie who's sitting at Miss Wormwood's desk. Susie tells him that Miss Wormwood is sick, and they have a substitute teacher. Calvin yells that he wants to see her teaching certificate.
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14 APR 1987
Good morning, class. I'll be your substitute teacher today. Miss Wormwood left me instructions as to what we need to go over, so we shouldn't have any problems. Oh, wait, here's a note she added. Just a second. Ok, which one of you is Calvin? Not me!
The substitute teacher introduces herself to the class. She mentions that Miss Wormwood left instructions about what they had to go over so there wouldn't be problems. She notices a note that Miss Wormwood left. She asks which student is Calvin. He yells out "Not me".
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15 APR 1987
We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok, I guess. You guess? It's hard to say. She went home at noon.
Calvin tells Hobbes he had a substitute teacher at school. Hobbes asks if he liked her, and Calvin says he guesses so. Hobbes wonders why he "guesses". Calvin says it's hard to tell, since she went home at noon.
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16 APR 1987
Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph, and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions.
Calvin is reading a word problem. It asks about Mr. Jones living 50 miles away, both of you leaving home at 5:00 and driving toward each other. It lists the speeds Mr. Jones and you are traveling. It asks at what time will you and Mr. Jones pass each other on the road. Calvin replies that given the traffic around there at 5:00, who knows? He says he always catches those trick questions.
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17 APR 1987
I've got a scheme to get us some money. Oh boy. See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. How is that going to get us money? Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck, the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late!
Calvin is talking to Hobbes in bed. He tells Hobbes he has a scheme to get them some money. Calvin shows Hobbes some corn kernels he stole off his dinner plate. Hobbes wonders how that will get them some money. Calvin explains that he's going to stick them under his pillow. He figures the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late.
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18 APR 1987
Dad, how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No, you were a blue light special at Kmart, almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
Calvin asks Dad how people make babies. Dad tells him most people go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin is shocked that he came from Sears. Dad consoles him by telling him he actually came as a blue light special from Kmart. Almost as good and a lot cheaper. Calvin yells. Mom calls in from the other room, wondering what Dad is telling Calvin now.
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19 APR 1987
How come you don't put on any pajamas? Fact is, I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then, good night. Good night. Move over, will ya? I'm already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! You're on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face!
Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.
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20 APR 1987
I've got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. We're supposed to research our subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. That's a big assignment. I'll say. I hate my teacher. She knows we'll all do it on the last evening, but she gave us three days to worry about it.
Calvin tells Hobbes he needs to give a five minute oral report in school on Thursday. Calvin explains they're supposed to research the subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. Hobbes says that's a big assignment. Calvin says he hates his teacher. He says she knows they'll all do it the last night, but she gave them three days to worry about it.
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21 APR 1987
What's the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well, I saw this movie where they kept this guy's brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. That's informative. Unfortunately for my report, Mom caught me, and I didn't get to see how it ended.
Hobbes asks the subject of Calvin's report. Calvin replies "the brain". Hobbes asks what Calvin knows about brains. Calvin tells him he saw a movie where a guy's brain was kept alive in a tank of water. A power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Hobbes says that's informative. Calvin laments that unfortunately for his report, Mom caught him and he didn't get to see how it ended.
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22 APR 1987
I've got to give my report on "The Brain" at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesn't that look like brains? Well, I guess I'm all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary. I'll do it on the bus.
Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.
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23 APR 1987
My five-minute report on "The Brain." Of course it's difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes, but to begin, the brain is part of the central nervous system. I'll pause for a few moments, so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin!
Calvin is in front of his class starting his report. He explains it will be difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in five minutes, but he starts with saying it's a part of the central nervous system. He looks at his wrist watch, then says he'll wait a few moments so they can finish writing that down. The teacher yells his name.
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24 APR 1987
Pow! Jab! Kick! Pow! Pow! Rattatattattatta rattatattatta eeeeeeeeeee boom! Please, please, pretty please? No. you should've save some of your own Halloween candy.
Hobbes is eating something out of a bag. Calvin is pretending to kick and punch Hobbes. Calvin pretends to shoot at Hobbes. He pretends to explode a bomb next to Hobbes. Finally, he lies on the floor begging Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he should have saved some of his own Halloween candy.
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25 APR 1987
Hey, can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My show's not over yet. Aw c'mon! you see this program all the time! Can't we watch my show for once? No, I was here first. Pipe down, this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials.
Hobbes is sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin comes in and wants to change the channel. Hobbes tells him his show isn't over yet. Calvin replies that he always watches that program. He wonders if they can't watch Calvin's show instead. Hobbes tells him no, and to quiet down. Calvin storms off grousing about how he hates National Geographic animal specials.
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26 APR 1987
Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
Mom yells for Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin slowly heads for bed. He says he's trapped in slow motion. Mom tells him he better get into normal speed...NOW! Suddenly, Calvin has a time snap, and off to bed he runs.
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27 APR 1987
Point A is twice as far from point C as point B is from A. if the distance from point B to point C is 5 inches, how far is point A from point C? The living dead don't need to solve word problems.
Calvin sits staring at a word problem. He contorts his face and rises from his chair. As he stalks off with his arms raised out and face grimacing, Calvin says the living dead don't need to solve word problems.
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28 APR 1987
Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly, the undead feed upon the living! ... although, in a pinch, a pbj will do, I fyou eat it messily enough.
Calvin the zombie searches for food. He says the undead feed upon the living. He stops to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He then continues to stalk around with his sandwich smeared around his face, saying that in a pinch a PBJ will do if you eat it messily enough.
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29 APR 1987
When in Rome ...
Calvin stalks past Hobbes with his arms out and face contorted. Hobbes looks at him strangely. Hobbes makes a face and hold his arms out. Calvin continues on. Hobbes follows him thinking "When in Rome...".
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30 APR 1987
Gkpthh! Heh heh ... thpkk! Hee hee. Hee hee ha ha ha ho ho hee hee hoo hoo ha ha ho heh heh ... of course. Real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.
Calvin and Hobbes look at each other with their twisted faces and arms raised. They start giggling at each other, then break out into laughter. Calvin clarifies that real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.
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01 MAY 1987
Oh no! Too much bubble bath! Uh oh! Pop! How on earth do you do this?!? These things seem to happen.
Calvin is in the bath tub. He has too much bubble bath. It encases him in a bubble, and he floats to the ceiling. When he hits it, the bubble pops and down he goes. Mom comes into the bathroom and sees all the water on the floor. She asks how he did it. Calvin says those things just seem to happen.
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02 MAY 1987
Aauughhhhh
Calvin is coming down the hill on his skateboard. Hobbes is looking at a plank set up against a rock that Calvin is using for a ramp. As Calvin reaches the plank, Hobbes jumps up on the far end. Calvin goes sailing off into the air.
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03 MAY 1987
Gosh it's perfect kite flying weather! But why let the stupid kite have all the fun? You've got your tail on? Yep, just let out some string and start running. That's it! Faster! Faster! I'm flying! I'm fl-ooof! Ow! Ack! Ooh! Are you ok? Boy, you were almost up there. I know! (ow) We just need a little more wind. Ok, here's another breeze! Let 'er rip! Oomph! Yow! Maybe you're too heavy. Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Hmm ... how can I get lighter? Mrs. Carroll says a naked kid tied to a stuffed animal is running through her yard. You handle it, I got the little nudist out of her bird bath remember?
Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.
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04 MAY 1987
We're supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! It's good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. Where's the Frisbee?
Calvin sits at his desk at home with a school book. Hobbes is looking at him. Calvin complains that he has to read the whole book by tomorrow. Calvin flips through all the pages of the book and declares it's good to get that out of the way. He hops down to look for his frisbee and go play. Hobbes says that reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.
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05 MAY 1987
Ahoy! Toss the rope ladder down! What's the password? Tigers are mean! Tigers are fierce! Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce! Tigers are great! They can't be beat! If I was a tiger that would be neat! He can climb the tree without the ladder, so he got to make up the password. Go on, what's the third verse?
Hobbes is in the tree fort when Calvin yells up to have Hobbes toss down the rope ladder. Hobbes asks Calvin for the password. Calvin proclaims tigers are mean and fierce, with claws that pierce. Tigers are great and can't be beat. As Hobbes asks Calvin to keep going with the third verse, Calvin explains that since Hobbes can climb up the tree without the ladder, he got to make up the password.
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06 MAY 1987
Mom, when are you going shopping next? I don't know why? We seem to be out of gun powder. Sheesh, I didn't even do it yet.
Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin asks when she'll next go to shopping. Mom isn't sure and asks why he's asking. Calvin comes out with a football helmet on and pillows wrapped in front of and behind him. He tells Mom that they seem to be out of gunpowder. Calvin is then sitting on his bed, without his helmet and pillows, complaining that he didn't even do it yet.
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07 MAY 1987
Now! Are you sure there's a career to be made as a "human discus"? Well, we gotta get a bigger field.
Hobbes has Calvin by the hands and is swing him around and around. Calvin tells him to let go. Calvin ends up smashed into a tree. Hobbes asks if he's sure there is a career to be made as a "human discus". Calvin thinks they have to get a bigger field.
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08 MAY 1987
I tripped a kid yesterday, and he fell in the mud it was hilarious. Aaugh! Ploop! I dunno. That kind of humor is so broad. You didn't do it right. C'mere and give me a hand.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin tells Hobbes that he tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. Calvin says it was hilarious. Hobbes then trips Calvin into a mud puddle. Hobbes isn't sure. He thinks that kind of humor is so broad. Calvin asks for Hobbes' hand, saying he didn't do it right.
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09 MAY 1987
What's this? It looks gross. It's a vegetarian meal. It's good for you. Vegetarian?? Yecchh! I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian.
Mom gives Calvin his dinner plate, and Calvin thinks it looks gross. Mom says it's a vegetarian meal and is good for him. He makes a face and pushes the plate away. He says he's not a vegetarian. He says he's a dessertarian.
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10 MAY 1987
Ever notice how different the air smells after a good rain? It smells like ... like ... dead worms! Wow! Look at the size of that puddle! Wahoooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Sploosh splash sploosh splash! Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Rats, my underwear's all soaked. Now it's gonna itch and ride up my rear all afternoon. Well it was worth it! That's why I never wear the stuff.
Calvin and Hobbes come to a big puddle. They jump in and splash around. They laugh and splash some more. As they walk off, Calvin notes that his underwear is soaked. It's going to itch and ride up his rear all afternoon. He says it was worth it. Hobbes says that's why he never wears the stuff.
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11 MAY 1987
I can't get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back? Maybe you need a haircut. Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want. Boy, what a great idea! Thanks! This is easy! You really think your Mom will pay me eight bucks?
Calvin is trying to comb his hair. Some of the hair in the back sticks out. Hobbes tells him maybe he needs a haircut. Calvin agrees, but says barbers never cut it the way he wants. Hobbes decides to cut Calvin's hair for him. Hobbes is hoping Mom will give him eight bucks for doing it.
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12 MAY 1987
So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldn't you rather have it real short? No, just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Don't you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No, I just think it should be real short. Especially, oh, right here.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there.
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13 MAY 1987
You made a mistake didn't you? No, I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing, I can't help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your head's gonna have "funny bumps" in a minute if you don't tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Why'd you say "oops"?! what'd you do now?! Nothing. Let's try parting your hair from ear to ear.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies "oops". Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said "oops". Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1987
This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. You'll love it. It's kind of "new wave". New wave? Like how? Well, sort of "punk" actually. Like a mohawk? In some places it's sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know what's the rage this year? ... hats.
Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1987
Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Get away from me, you menace! If Mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? How's that? Sort of the "Lawrence of Arabia" look! Sort of the "Lobotomy Patient" look.
Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the "Lawrence of Arabia" look. Calvin thinks it gives him the "lobotomy patient" look.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1987
My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
Calvin is in a 1940's detective outfit in his office. He's Tracer Bullet, private eye. The door opens, and in walks trouble...a brunette. Mom tells Calvin to take off his hat at the dinner table. Calvin thinks she's a pushy dame, but she has a case.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1987
This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents, engrossed in culture, remain blissfully unaware of Calvin's terrible transformation! Yes, a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol, but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizard's glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives! Hundreds of priceless paintings are ripped to shreds in the awful rampage! Wealthy benefactors are trampled! The museum is in ruins! On to symphony hall!! Calvin? Calvin? Were in the next room now. C'mon. I think we'd better get him out o fhere. He had that grin again. I wanna see dinosaurs at the natural history museum again. We spent all afternoon there, Calvin.
Calvin is at the museum. He transforms into a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus is loose in the museum. Panic ensues. A guard reaches for his gun, but is messily devoured. Patrons of the arts flee for their lives. Priceless paintings are ripped to shreds, wealthy benefactors trampled, and the museum is in ruins. Dad tells Calvin they're in the other room now and to join them. Calvin has a sinister grin on his face. Dad tells Mom they better get him out of there, he has that grin again. Calvin wants to see the dinosaurs at the natural history museum. Mom tells him they spent all afternoon there.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1987
Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didn't Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think I'd do this?? Well I didn't!
Mom tells Calvin to remove his hat. He takes it off, and Mom shrieks that "You cut your hair!". Calvin says that he didn't, but that Hobbes did. Mom wants to know why he cut his own hair. Calvin reiterates that Hobbes cut his hair. He asks if she thinks he'd do that to himself. Mom gets an "of course I do" look on her face. Calvin then yells "Well, I didn't!"
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1987
Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1987
Look, I'm sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didn't mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See, I'll just draw some hair on, there, it's looking better already. Really? Is it?
Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1987
Well, your hair doesn't stick up the way it used to, but at least your head's yellow again. Thanks, Hobbes. you're a real life saver. I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy, wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on, just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok?
Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on.
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1987
Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?
Calvin is sitting at his desk writing. He writes "Calvin the Genius". Then, he adds the word "Super" before "Genius". Hobbes asks if that's how he signs his reports. Calvin replies that it kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?
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Something Under the Bed Is DroolingThe Essential Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1987
Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure.
Calvin puts some ice cubes in a glass. He then places a tea bag in the glass. He looks at it, then declares his iced tea is a failure.
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The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1987
Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isn't it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Let's go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? It's easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and we'll time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh, what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds, maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey, we're at the bottom of the hill. I didn't feel any time warp, did you? Nope. But look! It's two minutes later than when we started! We're in the future!! Hmm ... things haven't improved. I'm disappointed.
Calvin is in his wagon at the top of the hill. He tells Hobbes they should go down the hill and into the future. Hobbes asks how they'll do that. Calvin says that it's easy. All they have to do is go real fast and they'll time warp. Down they go, faster and faster. Hobbes wonders what the future will look like. Calvin thinks flying cars and cities on clouds. He tells Hobbes to think of the weird things they can tell people they saw. They reach the bottom of the hill, but neither of them felt any time warp. Calvin notices that it's two minutes later than when they started, so they did go into the future. Hobbes looks around and says things haven't improved, and that he's disappointed.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1987
Goodness, you're filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law, if not the spirit. Let's hear some water running! Nuts.
Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1987
I'm home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing!
Calvin walks in the door yelling that he's home. Hobbes pounces on him. They wrestle around on the floor. Calvin asks Hobbes why he does that. Hobbes replies that natural exuberance is one of the qualities that makes tigers so endearing.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1987
I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.
Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1987
I'm home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ...
Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says "Hello?". Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1987
I'm home. I'm home. I'm home! Wellll? So you're home.
Calvin peeks in the front door and says he's home. He steps in the house and says he's home in a louder voice. He walks through the house yelling that he's home. Hobbes is sitting in bed, reading a comic book. Calvin yells "WELL??". Hobbes replies "So you're home".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1987
Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. It's sure to be another homer folks. Here's the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin.
Calvin has a bat and ball and announces that he's stepping to the plate. The outfield heads to the bleachers. It's sure to be another home run. Calvin tosses the ball up. There's the pitch. BONK! The ball hits Calvin on the head. He wobbles along, saying the pitcher has decided to walk Calvin.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1987
Before beginning any home plumbing repair, make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper, Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness, Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts, he twists himself into a tube, and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways, he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey, Dad, know why you didn't see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm, I'll bet you can't do it all afternoon, too ... dear!
Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having width but no thickness leaves him vulnerable to gusts of wind. To avoid drafts, he pulls himself into a tube to roll across the floor. Someone is coming, so he turns sideways to hide. As thin as he is, he's nearly an invisible vertical line. Dad is lying under the kitchen sink, trying to fix something. Calvin asks if he knows why he couldn't see him all morning. Calvin explains he was two dimensional. Dad mutters that he bets Calvin can't do it all afternoon also.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1987
I couldn't read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
Calvin is lying in bed reading his school book. Suddenly, he floats into the air. Everything in his room is floating around. He tells his teacher he couldn't read his assignment because his parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1987
Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok, I predict you'll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. It's going to come true! I can feel it!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin asks Hobbes to make a prediction. Hobbes asks why, and Calvin replies so they can see if he has ESP. Hobbes thinks and says that Calvin will find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Calvin looks behind himself and sees a mud hole. He tells Hobbes to stay away from him. With a smile on his face, Hobbes comes closer with his paws out. He says it's going to come true, he can feel it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1987
Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work? I can't tell you. Why not? It's a secret. No it isn't! you just don't know!
Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1987
This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else.
Calvin, wearing a cape, says "This is a job for..." and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks "for...?". Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says "someone else".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1987
Time for bed, Calvin. It's a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists!
Mom tells Calvin that it's time for bed. Calvin replies that it's a free country, and he'll do what he wants. Mom puts him to bed and walks off. Calvin yells "Communists!".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1987
Oh no, I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While they're eating that, you can slip out! Great idea! I'm coming out of bed now! I'm coming out of bed now! Here I am, all fat and squishy! They took it! Man, look at those feathers fly! You'd better hurry! No, I've decided to stay here and wet the bed. But it's ok with me if you don't want to stay.
Calvin wakes up during the night and has to go to the bathroom. He knows the monsters will get him when he sets foot on the floor. Hobbes suggests putting a pillow on the floor as a decoy, then slipping out while the monsters eat the pillow. Calvin puts the pillow down and says coming out of bed, all fat and squishy. Feathers fly up as Hobbes tells him to look at the feathers fly. He tells Calvin he better hurry. Calvin hides under the blanket and says he's decided to stay and wet the bed. It's okay with Calvin if Hobbes doesn't want to stay.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1987
Croquet is a gentleman's game. That's hard to believe. I've played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey, don't put the wickets so far apart. This is the way they're supposed to be. No it isn't, you big cheater. You're doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasn't looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! That's a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, you're just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! You're asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquito's don't even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo! I'd say it takes one to know one bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor! It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside! Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game!
Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo. Hobbes tells Calvin to play in the food processor. Mom yells for them to come in, since it's getting dark. Calvin says they're right in the middle of a croquet game.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1987
Bombarded by high-energy photons, Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses, it does make Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvin's food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment, Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes, close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh!
Calvin is transformed into a human x-ray. While this makes future medical diagnosis easier, it makes Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal. Everyone can see his food be ground into mushy pulp and swallowed. Calvin chews up a spoon of creamed corn. Dad yells at Calvin to close his mouth when he chews. Does Calvin think they want to see that?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1987
Here's a little town. Here's a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer, pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years, these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me, I'll be under the bed.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the sandbox. Calvin makes a town. Hobbes is using a steam shovel to dig a hole. Calvin takes a bulldozer and pushes thousands of barrels of nuclear toxic waste into the hole. Over the years, those deadly poisons seep into underground waterways. Calvin says the cancer rate in the nearby town triples. Hobbes, holding his stomach, walks off and tells Calvin if he wants him he'll be under the bed.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1987
A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! You're just too short! Yeah? Well, you're just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well, you're just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like.
Calvin is arguing a strike call with Hobbes, the pitcher. Calvin says the pitch was four feet over his head. Hobbes replies it was a perfect pitch, but that Calvin is too short. Calvin calls Hobbes stupid and kicks dirt at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin ugly and kicks dirt at Calvin. They each kick up a big cloud of dirt. Calvin says kicking dust is the only part of the game they really like.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1987
Want to know a funny trick? When somebody isn't looking you tie his shoes together! Ha ha! That's great! Lets go find some sucker to pull it on! Yeah! Clunk! Well. Well! Woo hoo hoo hoo.
Hobbes tells Calvin that it's funny to tie someone's shoes together when he isn't looking. Calvin thinks that's funny and wonders what sucker they can pull it on. As Calvin starts to walk, he trips. Hobbes says "Well, well". Calvin chases Hobbes while hopping after him with his shoes tied together.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1987
I'm hungry. Can I have a snack? Sure. Help yourself. You can have an apple or an orange from the fridge. Even through we're both talking english, we're not speaking the same language.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have a snack. She tells him yes. As he's walking off with the cookie jar in his arms and one in his mouth, Mom tells him he can have an apple or orange from the fridge. Calvin says they're both speaking English, but they're not speaking the same language.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1987
Boy, I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ...
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree in the woods. Calvin says he loves summer vacation. He tells Hobbes he feels his brain starting to atrophy already.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1987
I'm going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! It's not a tree at all! It's a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly, promising himself that he'll never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime, the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! What's that on my plate?! Good heavens, get it off the table!! But Mom, frogs are our friends!
Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1987
Look Hobbes I got a magic carpet! What's so magic about it? Magic carpets fly! You can ride them! Isn't this the rug from the hallway? Up, rug! Up! Up! Hey, look! It works! Ok, rug, warp factor five! Is this legal? Do you have your registration and proof of insurance?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's found a magic carpet. Hobbes wonders what's so magical about it. Calvin tells him you can fly them. Hobbes asks if that isn't the rug from the hallway. The rug rises up while Hobbes wants to know if this is legal and whether Calvin has a registration and insurance.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1987
Wow! I've never been on a magic carpet before. Hmm ... me either. Ok rug, let's cruise at 10,000 feet! Wheeeee! Gosh, this sure beats having Mom drive us around! Let's go to the mall and hang out! Do we get complimentary bags of nuts on our flight?
Calvin says he's never been on a magic carpet before. He tells the rug to fly up to 10,000 feet and off it zooms. Calvin thinks this is better than having Mom drive them around. He wants to go to the mall and hang out. Hobbes asks if there are complimentary bags of nuts on the flight.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1987
Hey, let's fly into the city and buzz Dad's office! Ha! Won't be be surprised when he sees us out his 20th floor window! What if he's mad that we took the hallway rug? What's to get mad about? We wiped our feet first. Yeah, but all this city mileage may hurt the resale value.
Calvin decides to fly into the city to buzz Dad's office. Calvin figures he'll be surprised to see them out his 20th floor office window. Hobbes thinks he might be mad they took the hallway rug. Calvin says they wiped their feet first. Hobbes wonders if all the city mileage will hurt its resale value.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1987
Ok, I think that's Dad's building up ahead. I'm not sure where his office is, so we'll just have to look in the windows as we zip by. Hey! There he is! There's Dad! Hi, Dad! Dad, look! Out the window! Darn it! He's still reading that brief. Look out the window, Dad! Did you bring any rocks? I didn't think to.
They approach Dad's building. Calvin isn't sure which office is Dad's, so they have to fly past each one. Calvin sees Dad at his desk. Calvin tries to get Dad's attention. Hobbes regrets not thinking to bring any rocks.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1987
Hey Dad! Look out the window! I can't believe he's just sitting in there. Why doesn't he look up? I guess he's pretty busy. Yeah, but we can't sit up here all day! Sheesh. Let's go. If he had noticed us, we could've given him a ride home. Hmph. I say let him take the smelly ol' bus if he can't even look out the window once in a while, serves him right.
Calvin continues to yell to get Dad's attention, but he doesn't look up. Hobbes figures he must be busy. Calvin says they can't wait all day and decides to leave. Hobbes says they could have given him a ride home if he had noticed them. Calvin says Dad can ride the smelly old bus if he can't look out his window once in a while.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1987
I'm home! Dad! Hobbes and I flew by your office window today on a rug! We saw you working. We waved and hollered, but you didn't even look up. We couldn't believe it. You missed the whole thing! I thought we were cutting down his sugar intake.
Dad arrives home, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes saw him at work. He tells him they flew by his office window on a rug. Calvin continues to tell Dad that they tried to get his attention, but that he didn't look up. Dad tells Mom he thought they were cutting down on Calvin's sugar intake.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1987
Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! I've got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! I'm a genius! A sheer genius! Susie's playing on the sidewalk! Now's my chance to use the snowball I've been saving in the freezer! She'll never expect a snowball in June! Boy, will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There must've been a cross breeze! I can't believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening.
Calvin gleefully pulls out a snowball from the freezer. Susie is playing on the sidewalk. Calvin knows she'll never expect a snowball in June. He sneaks up on her and throws. PIFF! He misses her. He starts ranting about how he had bad luck. He figures there was a cross-wind. While Calvin is complaining, Susie repacks the snowball and looks at Calvin. POW! Calvin lies on the sidewalk with his face covered in snow as Susie walks off smiling. Calvin says the irony of this is just sickening.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1987
1988 isn't too far away Dad. If your thinking of running for "Dad" again, you'd better get your campaign in gear. Frankly, the pools look grim. I don't think you've got much of a shot at keeping the office. I take comfort in the fact that not many people want it. Flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates, you know.
Calvin tells Dad 1988 isn't too far off. He tells him he better get his campaign in gear if he's running for "Dad" next year. Calvin says the polls don't look too good, and that he doesn't have much of a chance to keep the office. Dad tells him he takes comfort in the fact not many people would want the job. Calvin reminds him that flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1987
The chameleon sits motionless. Amazingly, the lizard changes color to blend in with his surroundings. Moments later, he is virtually invisible. I see you hiding back there! Now come clean up this mess you made in the kitchen!
The chameleon sits motionless. The lizard changes color to blend into his surroundings. He is soon virtually invisible. Calvin peeks over the back of the sofa as Mom yells at him from the other room. She sees him hiding there and tells him to come clean the mess he left in the kitchen.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1987
Hold still. There's a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No, wait there's a mosquito on you.
Calvin tells Hobbes there is a monstrous horsefly on his head. He smacks him with the fly swatter. As the fly goes away, Calvin asks if Hobbes can believe he missed it. Calvin is up on a tree branch telling Hobbes he can scratch a welt next time. Hobbes waves a fly swatter at Calvin and tells him there's a mosquito on him.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1987
I wanna horsey ride! I'm busy Calvin. You know, Dad, it won't be long before I'm all grown up. One day you'll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. You'll look back and say, "Where has the time gone? Calvin's so big. It's hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides." ... but those days will be lost forever. I think I've worked through my potential guilt now. No, no! Jump the fence!
Calvin asks Dad for a horsey ride. Dad tells him he's busy. Calvin reminds him that one day, he'll be grown up and Dad will wonder where all the years went. He keeps telling him that he'll think back on the days when Calvin was small enough to give horsey rides to and lament those days being lost forever. Dad gives Calvin the horsey ride. He tells Calvin that he's worked through his guilt, but Calvin wants him to jump over the fence they're approaching.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1987
I read that girls are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice" ... whereas boys are made of "snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails." Hmph. So what are tigers made of? "Dragonflies and katykids, but mostly chewed-up little kids." Oh, that's clever.
Hobbes tells Calvin that he's heard girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, while boys are made of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Calvin asks what tigers are made of. Hobbes tells him dragonflies, katydids, but mostly chewed-up little kids. Calvin doesn't think that's very funny.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1987
Do you have any money? Nope. Hmm ... how can we get some? Who do we know that we could sue?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he has any money. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks how they can get some. They think for a little bit, then Calvin asks who Hobbes knows that they can sue.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1987
What's wrong with you, fish? Why won't you eat this big, fat, juicy worm? Besides the obvious, I mean. Boy I hate fishing, this is so boring! Look, I can see a whole bunch of fish down there, but they're not biting! Lousy fish! By golly, I'm not going to sit here all day waiting for them to get hungry! Here, help me carry this rock. We'll dump it in the water and blast the fish out. Then we can just pick them up. Heave! Kabloosh! Ok, it was a bad idea! But I got wet too, right? No, no your idea was fine! We just didn't throw in a big enough object.
Calvin is sitting on the pier fishing. He's complaining that it's too boring. He sees fish in the water, but they're not biting. He's not going to sit there all day waiting for them to get hungry. He and Hobbes grab a huge rock. He figures he and Hobbes can throw the rock into the water and blast the fish out. Then, they can just pick the fish up. They heave the rock into the pond. WHOOSH! A huge water splash drenches Calvin and Hobbes on the pier. Calvin tells Hobbes that it was a bad idea, but that he got wet too. Hobbes grabs Calvin to toss him into the water. Hobbes says the idea was good, but they didn't throw a big enough object into the water.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1987
... so could I, Mom? Please? Pleeeaase? I still don't think giving her "Bambi eyes" is going to get you a flame thrower. Maybe I should sniffle a little too, huh?
Calvin puts his hands together and asks if he could....please. He tries saying please with doe eyes. He's standing in front of a mirror. Hobbes tells him that giving Mom "Bambi eyes" isn't going to get her to give him a flamethrower. Calvin thinks sniffling a bit might help, also.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1987
What a perfect day! If something doesn't happen here soon, I'm gonna wack out.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Hobbes says it's a perfect day. They lie there looking around. After a bit, Calvin tells Hobbes that if something doesn't happen soon, he's going to wack out.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1987
Look a firefly! Your rear hasn't lit, if that's what you're wondering. I can't even tell what muscle to flex.
Calvin points out a firefly to Hobbes. Calvin clenches his teeth and bends forward. He looks at his rear end. Hobbes tells him his rear wasn't lit, if that's what he was wondering. Calvin says he can't even tell what muscle to flex.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1987
Hey Hobbes, want to see an antelope? An antelope?! C'mon! See she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriends car! You're not laughing. It's not funny.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see an antelope. They race over to where Calvin is playing. He tells Hobbes she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriend's car. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's not laughing. With arms crossed, Hobbes tells Calvin it's not funny.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1987
Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents.
Hobbes tells Calvin that tomorrow is Independence Day. He explains that everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Calvin wants to know when Paul Revere rides through town giving them their presents.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1987
Bang! Kapwinngg! Up up and awaaayy!
Dad is sitting in his chair reading the paper. He hears a bang from the other room. Calvin races in, climbs up on the arm of the chair, and makes the bullet bounce off him. He races off saying "up, up and awaaayy".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1987
The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh, no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when you're done, ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.
Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1987
Z. Z. Z. Tag! The game's over tuna brain.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin is sleeping. Hobbes looks over and touches Calvin on the head, saying "Tag". Calvin tells Hobbes the game is over and calls him tuna brain.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1987
Somebody told me rotten eggs smell bad. They smell terrible. Put 'em back Calvin.
Calvin tells Mom that someone told him rotten eggs smell bad. Mom confirms they smell terrible. Calvin walks away. Without moving, Mom adds that Calvin should put them back.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1987
I want 8 cookies to go, please. This is not a drive-thru! Put that back in the garage!
Calvin carries his tricycle to the front door and puts it on the floor. He rides into the kitchen. He stops at the counter where Mom is standing and asks for eight cookies to go, please. Mom yells that this isn't a drive-through and to put his tricycle back in the garage.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1987
Quick, Mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! I'll guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! She's not buying this. Calvin, just how dumb do you think I am?
Calvin runs into the house telling Mom aliens landed in the back yard and want to talk with her. He offers to guard the cookies while she goes out. He tells her to hurry. Mom asks Calvin how dumb he thinks she is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1987
What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1987
Look! Somebody poured new cement! Is anyone looking? We could write our initials in it, or make a hand print, or something! Yeah! Or something! I think we'd better find a hose quick! I didn't think it would set up so fast.
Calvin shows Hobbes a patch of newly poured cement. Hobbes asks if anyone is watching. He mentions they could write their initials in the cement, make a hand print, or something. Calvin likes the "or something" part. They walk off looking for a water hose. Hobbes didn't think it would set up so fast. They both have cement hanging from their rear ends.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1987
Psst. Hey kid, c'mere under the bed. I've got a brand new toy for you. Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Monsters! Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Good idea. Click! Aarrghhh! Aieeee. Aahhhhhh!! Gackk! Ha ha. We got 'em! Just the ones under the bed, we'd better open up the drawers and closet too and get some light in those places! By golly, no monsters going to get us tonight! Wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature!! Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Monsters, Dad. They could be anywhere. You're trashing your room at 1:00 in the morning, looking for monsters?! If you don't get in bed this instant, you'll have lot more to worry about than stupid monsters!! What we need is some way to shrivel him up.
Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1987
Hey Calvin, whatcha doin'? Quiet down or you'll give away my position. Hobbes and I are having a water fight. A water fight! Can I play? You? Ha! War is a manly art! I suppose anything so idiotic would have to be. Can I play in your game or not? I don't know, it seems you'd rather be making smart remarks.
Susie asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin shushes her quiet. He and Hobbes are having a water fight. Susie asks if she can play. Calvin scoffs at her saying war is a manly art. She supposes anything that idiotic must have to be. She asks if she can play or not. Calvin thinks she might prefer making smart remarks.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1987
C'mon, can't I join your water fight? I have my own water pistol and everything! It'll just take me a minute to get it. Ok, you can play, but Hobbes is on my team. You have to fight both of us. Great! I can beat you and your stuffed tiger any day. I'll go put on my swimsuit. Susie's going to play with us, ok? Oh boy. Girls flip for guys in jams.
Susie again asks Calvin if she can join their water fight. She has her own water pistol at home. Calvin says it's alright, but she'll have to fight against both Calvin and Hobbes. Susie happily runs off saying she can beat him and his stuffed tiger any day. Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is going to join them. Hobbes is wearing a pair of trunks and thinks girls flip for guys in Jams.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1987
I got my water pistol! I'm all set! Good. Now Hobbes and I will be one team, and you ... Look at your toy tiger! He's wearing jams!! That's so cute! Let me squeeze him! Oh for pete's sake, knock it iff! You go around the house and count to fifty, and then we begin, all right? You and your dumb jams. This is war, remember?! You're just jealous. ... ooh, what a babe!
Susie comes over with her water gun. She sees Hobbes and thinks he's cute wearing his Jams. She gives him a squeeze. Calvin tells her to quit it and to go around the house to count till 50. Then, they'll start. Calvin scolds Hobbes for his Jams. He reminds him they're at war. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, tells Calvin he's just jealous. Hobbes says Susie is a babe.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1987
Listen up, yogurt brain. Here's our strategy: I'll go around the house this way, and you go around the other way. I'll draw Susie's fire, and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok, let's go! Thanks for the water balloon, Hobbes, you're a great double agent!
Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1987
Ha ha! Ambush!! Have a drink Susie! Whoa! Whoop! You've got Hobbes' water balloon! Where did? How? Uh oh. Bloosh! I promise you you'll hang for this, traitor! I'm easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.
Calvin charges Susie, squirting her with his water pistol. He stops when he notices she has Hobbes' water balloon. BLOOSH! Calvin gets smacked with the balloon. A dripping Calvin promises Hobbes he'll hang for this and calls him a traitor. Hobbes defends himself by declaring he's easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1987
My best friend betrays me! Susie drenched me with my own teammate's water balloon! Some buddy you are, you Benedict Arnold! Hmph, I'd do it again in a minute. Susie likes my jams. Don't even talk to me! You and I are through! Ha! Promises, promises! Um ... I take it the game is over. Get this traitor off me. He cheats when he fights, too.
Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1987
Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know. Look, another can thrown on the ground! Boy, this makes me mad! By golly, if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere! You'd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now I've got to carry this gross thing. You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. I'm with you.
Calvin sees a can on the ground. He complains that if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere. Hobbes declares that there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human. They walk along, then Calvin takes his clothes off. They continue to walk as Calvin says "I'm with you".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1987
Aren't these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Don't you wish it could be like this all year, forever? No school. No job, no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it, why don't you!!
Calvin is telling Hobbes the long summer days are great. There are no responsibilities, and they have the whole day to themselves. He asks Hobbes if he wishes it could be like that all year, no school, no job, no anything. Hobbes looks at Calvin with a smile on his face. As Hobbes skips merrily away, Calvin yells to him "Just gloat about it, why don't you".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1987
Hey Dad, what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think they're mostly water. So how come they float? Well, it's sort of evaporated water, maybe there are some other gases, too. I'm not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck, beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a Dad.
Calvin asks Dad what clouds are made of. He tells Calvin mostly water. Calvin then wonders why clouds float. Dad says they're mostly evaporated water. Calvin asks why clouds are white, instead of blue. Dad says he doesn't know, and that they should look it up. Calvin says he takes it there are no qualifying exams to be a Dad.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1987
One of the best things about summer is going to sleep with the fan on. The gentle breeze blowing, droning hum, everything seems safe and serene when the fan is on. It's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. It almost lets one forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. If you don't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor, buster.
Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin says sleeping with the fan on is one of the best things about summer. The gentle breeze blowing, the droning hum, everything's safe and serene when the fan is on. He says it's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. He then leans over to Hobbes and says that it's almost enough to forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. Hobbes tells him that if he doesn't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1987
Hey Mom, what's this I hear about the greenhouse effect? They say the pollutants we dump in the air are trapping in the sun's heat and it's going to melt the polar ice caps! Sure, you'll be gone when it happens, but I won't! nice planet you're leaving me! This from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than a block away. Hey, nobody told me about the ice caps, all right?
Calvin asks Mom about the greenhouse effect. He explains that he's heard about the pollution trapping the sun's heat and melting the polar ice caps. He tells her that she'll be gone when it happens, but he won't. Mom says this is from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than one block away. Calvin proclaims no one had told him about the ice caps before.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1987
More bad news on your polls, Dad. We're looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well, Calvin. That's certainly food for thought. Now here's something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100,000. That's a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is that hundred grand a gift, or a loan?" Gotcha, Dad. I was just on my way to bed.
Calvin tells Dad that his polls are at an all-time low. Dad tells him that's food for thought. He then says Calvin should think about the fact that it costs $100,000 to raise a kid till 18. That's a lot of money. Dad asks Calvin to think about whether that money should be considered a gift or a loan. Calvin scurries off and says he gets the message.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1987
Ring ring. Hello? May I speak with your father please? Hec, you don't need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo. Ring ring.
Calvin picks up the ringing phone. The caller asks to speak with Dad. Calvin tells the caller to be his guest. They don't need his permission. Calvin walks away saying the caller is a weirdo. The phone rings again.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1987
That's it, you climb up and then help me up! Tigers are natural-born tree climbers. Of course we usually have grappling hooks, ropes and utility belts. Hey, here's a great tree for climbing! Let me get on your shoulders so I can reach the first branch, ok? Geez, how many bricks do you have in your pockets?! Whoa! Hold steady, you weakling. I've almost got it! Move up, move up! Hurry and grab it before my spine telescopes. Got it! Hey, don't let go! Hold me up! Forget it! You can support your own weight, bowling ball butt. Mmph! Mmph! I can't get up! Give me a boost! Hey! What are you doing?! Don't take off my shoes! Are you nuts? Hey, stop! Aack! Oh no! don't tickle! Pbth! Eek! Hee hee ha ha! Stop it! I can't hold on! Hee hee hoo hoo! Aaugh! Nice landing. I'm probably paralyzed. All except your mouth obviously. I'm not sorry at all. Give me back my shoes. No.
Calvin asks Hobbes to put him on his shoulders so he can climb into a tree. Hobbes asks how many bricks he has in his pockets. Calvin tells him to hold steady. Hobbes tells him to hurry up before his spine telescopes. Calvin is hanging from a branch. He asks Hobbes to help hold him up. Hobbes takes off Calvin's shoes and starts tickling him. Calvin falls from the tree. He lands on Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he's paralyzed. Calvin replies that he's not sorry at all and to give his shoes back.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1987
I can't believe how dull my life is. It's so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually, I'd like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when I'm not around?? Huh? Are you?!
As they ride down the hill in the wagon, Calvin can't believe how dull his life is. Nothing ever changes. As they fly into the air after the wagon crashes into the stream, Calvin says everybody but him gets to have an exciting life. Hobbes shakes water out of his ear and says he'd like a little less excitement in his. Calvin accuses Hobbes of doing fun things when he's not around.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1987
What's wrong, Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I don't feel good. Your forehead seems warm. We'd better take your temperature. I can't be sick now! It's still summer vacation! There's no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!
Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1987
Hi there, Calvin. I understand you're not feeling well. Me? I'm fine! I just sit around torture chambers in my underwear for kicks. Let's see your degree, you quack! I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to examine you to see what's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong! I've got Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician, that's what's wrong! Nurse, call the anesthesiologist in here, will you please? My Dad's a lawyer, I'll have you know! Don't come near me!
The doctor is seeing Calvin. He tells Calvin he understands he's not feeling well. Calvin retorts that he's fine. He sits around torture chambers in his underwear for kicks. He asks to see the doctor's degree and calls him a quack. The doctor says he isn't going to hurt Calvin. He just wants to examine him. Calvin says that what's wrong is that he has Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician. The doctor whispers to the nurse to call the anesthesiologist. Calvin tells him his Dad is a lawyer and not to come near him.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1987
Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog, the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? You're wasting your time, maggot from mars! I'll never give in! Never, you hear me?! Never! Kid, don't make me recant the Hippocratic oath, ok?
Spaceman Spiff is in a dungeon on the planet Zog. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. The inquisitor says he finally gets to meet the famed Spaceman Spiff. He trusts Spiff is enjoying his visit. Spiff calls him a maggot from Mars and says he'll never give in. Calvin is hiding behind the scale with the doctor on his knees telling Calvin not to make him recant his Hippocratic oath.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1987
Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That's why I didn't get a shot. You didn't need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldn't get near enough to stick me. He thinks I'm a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.
As they drive home, Mom tells Calvin he was a terror at the doctor's office. Calvin says he didn't get a shot because he fended the doctor off with a tongue depressor. Mom says he didn't need a shot and that his behavior was inexcusable. Calvin is just glad that the doctor couldn't get close enough to stick him. He says the doctor thinks he's a pink pin cushion in underpants. Mom tells Calvin she hopes he has a kid one day who puts him through the same things he's putting her through. Calvin replies that Grandma says that's what she used to tell Mom.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1987
Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business, unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware, that is, until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh!
Calvin is playing on the beach. He builds a proud city, full of prosperous citizens. Calvin says they're unaware the moon has moved a few miles closer to the earth. They're unaware until the tide comes in. A big wave comes in and crashes into the sand city.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1987
The fire's not lighting, huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Can't we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals aren't hot enough. But I'm hungry I want to eat now! Well, you'll just have to wait. You know, Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are, it's a beautiful evening. It's nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot, don't you think? Dinner will be over soon, and afterward we'll be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. It's good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonald's then, or what? Yeah, I know you think you are going to be six all of your life.
Calvin wants to cook the hamburgers on the grill, but the coals aren't hot enough yet. Calvin tells Dad he wants to eat now. Dad explains sometimes the anticipation of getting something is sometimes better than when you get it. Dad looks out at the woods and says it's nice to sit looking while the coals get hot. He says dinner will be over soon and they'll be distracted by other things. They have a few moments by themselves to enjoy the evening. He says it's good they have to wait for something every now and then. Calvin looks out, then asks whether he should go to McDonald's or what.
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03 AUG 1987
(NO TEXT) - cowboy and indian
Calvin is dressed like an Indian, armed with bow and arrow. Hobbes has an arrow hit right next to him. He walks over to Calvin, who shrugs his shoulders innocently. Hobbes sticks Calvin up high on the side of the house with the arrow.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1987
What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.
Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.
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05 AUG 1987
I think a bee landed on my back! Can you see it? I don't want to move. That's not a bee. It isn't? Whew. No, that's a hornet if I ever saw one! Ow!
Calvin stops and says he thinks a bee landed on his back. Calvin asks Hobbes to look, since he doesn't want to move. Hobbes tells him it's not a bee. Calvin wipes his brow as Hobbes says that's a hornet if he ever saw one. Just then, it stings Calvin and he jumps into the air in pain. He then chases Hobbes.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1987
If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? Just three wishes, huh? Hmm. That would be a tough decision. I guess I'd have to think about it a while. Oops! Hang on. Ok. I know what my first wish would be.
As Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill in the wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes what three wishes he would make. Hobbes says that would be a tough decision. He figures he'd have to think about it a little while. The wagon flies off the hill, Calvin and Hobbes flying into the air. Hobbes says he knows what his first wish would be.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1987
One of nature's uglier creatures, the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud, high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeak's echo! Changes in the echo's pitch reveal the doomed bug's direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin, sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.
The bat is a marvel of evolution. Producing high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the delay in the sound's echo. No movement escapes the senses of the bat. Calvin flips some food into his mouth from the restaurant table. His eyes are closed. Dad scolds Calvin to sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized being.
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08 AUG 1987
Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time, get out of bed! We're going to be late. I'm trying. I'm trying.
Calvin yawns and hops out of bed. The covers reach out and grab him. They pull him back into bed. Mom comes in and tells him to get out of bed. They're going to be late. Calvin says he's trying.
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09 AUG 1987
That run doesn't count! You didn't touch third base! That's 'cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line, you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isn't fair! You can't run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman, you'd've been out a long time ago! But we don't, do we? Gotcha! You're out! Ok, I'm up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time I'm going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball.
Hobbes hits the ball, and Calvin chases him to tag him out. Hobbes runs off the basepath. He keeps running through the woods. Calvin chases him saying he can't run anywhere he wants. Calvin continues to chase Hobbes and yells that he'd have been out if they had a first baseman. Hobbes replies that they don't and sticks his tongue out at Calvin. Finally, Calvin catches Hobbes and tackles him in a big cloud of dust. Hobbes gets up and says he's still up to bat. He says two-man baseball is a real sport. Calvin says it's a real sport for idiots. He says the next time he'll tag Hobbes out with a bat instead of the ball.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1987
Hobbes, did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Won't that be fun? We'll be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. What's wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build my character.
Calvin cheerily tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad are taking them camping. He says they'll live in a tent, go fishing and canoeing. He thinks that will be fun. He goes on to say there'll be no TV, no radio. They'll be living off the land. Then he stops and decides this sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build his character.
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11 AUG 1987
Gosh, this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I can't wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesn't Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing.
Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.
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12 AUG 1987
See that island ahead? That's where we're camping! Oh boy! Ahh, this is the life! Fresh air, clean water, lots of exercise, and ... boom! Dear, you're back-paddling. We're turning around and finding a hotel!
As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.
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13 AUG 1987
When's this rain going to let up? I don't know, Calvin. Hey, cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. "Always be prepared." You know. These ponchos are super. They're thermal-sealed lightweight nylon, laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah, Dad, it's great that we won't get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide, thongs, tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Let's see, which one of these was it?
Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion.
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14 AUG 1987
I'm glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you can't put on dry clothes. You'd feel a lot better. Hey, wait! No! Don't do that here! Ackpth!
Calvin is glad Dad got the tents set up. He is getting out of his wet clothes. He tells Hobbes it's too bad he can't put on dry clothes. Hobbes arches his back while Calvin yells for him not to do that in the tent. Hobbes shakes the water from his coat, resoaking Calvin.
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15 AUG 1987
Some trooper you are! What's a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least it's not snowing, right? Right? I mean, say it was snowing so hard we couldn't make a fire. Boy, I love cold canned ravioli.
Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1987
Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy, this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course, it's still raining. It's been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! We're going to need a vacation after this vacation. I'll say! We can't even keep a fire going. I can't believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? He's a fanatic! Either that or we're al out of packaged food. We'll probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. If we live to get home, I'm never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish?
Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1987
How's the water? Freezing. I'm coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation I've ever been on.
Calvin is swimming in the lake as rain continues to fall. Hobbes is on shore in a raincoat. He asks Calvin how the water is. Calvin tells his it's freezing. He has Hobbes hand him a towel. He wrings it out, then starts to dry himself as the rain continues to fall. As they walk back in the rain, Calvin says this is the dumbest vacation he's ever been on.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1987
It has been very buggy week, has it? You're really reaching, Dad.
Calvin and Dad are fishing in the boat as the rain continues to fall. Dad says it hasn't been very buggy this week. Calvin tells him he's really reaching.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1987
We're packing up! Yep. I've had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dad's words meant? No, but I wrote some of them down so we can look 'em up when we get home.
Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1987
Well, gang, I'm sorry the weather wasn't any better this week. I know it wasn't always a lot of fun, but we lived through it, and we got ot spend some time together and that's what's really important. Anyway, I hope you're all not too disappointed. Calvin, tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad, Mom says ... All right! All right!
Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1987
Dad, can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax, Dad. It's just a ball in the gutter, it's not as if I've been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Aren't you glad I'm not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context.
Calvin asks Dad to get the ball down from the gutter again. Dad says this is the third time today. He had told Calvin to play out back. Calvin tells Dad to relax. It's only a ball in the gutter. He hasn't been embezzling money or killing people. Calvin always has to help Dad establish the proper context.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1987
C'mon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. What's the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know it's me! Let me up! No. ooh, why you lousy rotten, stinking ... If you call me names, you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: "Tigers are nimble and light on their toes, my respect for tigers continually grows." You're not doing the dance.
Calvin yells up to Hobbes in the tree fort to let down the rope ladder. Hobbes insists Calvin give the rest of the password. Calvin thinks five verses extolling tigers is enough. Hobbes won't do it. Calvin starts calling him names, and Hobbes tells him he'll have to start over with the password if he continues. So Calvin goes through verse six. Hobbes tells him he's not doing the dance.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1987
Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum, he breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy, Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering one's mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas, it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin, the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! He's saved! It's a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh, he does, Mom, he does.
Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin "God bless you". Calvin replies "He does".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1987
The end of summer is always hard on me. Trying to cram all the goofing off I've been meaning to do.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin says the end of summer is always hard on him, cramming in all the goofing off he's been meaning to do.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1987
How come you're still home? Why aren't you at work? I took the day off. Say, Dad, can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as I'm through with it. Gosh Dad, I'd sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why don't you read the editorials? "New dad wanted. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must, ask for Calvin during normal work hours."
Calvin asks Dad why he's still home. Dad tells him he took the day off. Calvin looks horrified. He asks to see the classified section of the newspaper. Dad tells him he can have it when he's done. Calvin wants to see it right away and asks Dad if he'd rather read the editorials. Dad starts reading an ad. New Dad wanted, frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must. Contact Calvin during normal work hours.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1987
I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.
Calvin yells that he doesn't want to take a bath. He hates taking baths. He runs yelling down the hall. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he yells "no" over and over. He's finally in the tub. He says they can make him do it, but they can't make him do it with dignity.
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27 AUG 1987
Rats. I can't tell my gum from my silly putty.
Calvin reaches into his pocket and pulls out something sticky. It gets all over his hands. He says he can't tell his gum from his Silly Putty.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1987
(NO TEXT) jump rope stumble
Calvin is jumping rope. He goes faster and faster. Hobbes comes up behind him with a stick in his hands. He puts the stick in the way of Calvin's jump rope and he gets all tangled up.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1987
I'm never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call "pooty pie". Pooty pie?? Or "Bitsy Pookums." I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. "Bitsy Pookums." I'd say "Yes Snoogy Woogy." She'd reply ...
Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call "pooty pie". Either that or "bitsy pookums". Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1987
There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. I'm going to run away to Alaska.
Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying "Bravo" and "Encore". Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1987
Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.
Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with "time machine" written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does "to the inattentive, brainless layman". He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1987
Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well, I suppose if we went into the past, I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is, then! Right. Once I'm rich, I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests!
Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.
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02 SEPT 1987
OK, Hobbes, our time machine is all set, put on your goggles and we'll be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez, do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! We've got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh, I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, you can go without me. Sit down, sissy. I already got your goggles.
Calvin tells Hobbes to put on his goggles, and they'll be ready to go. Hobbes wants to know why he needs goggles. Calvin explains time travel is not like driving down the street. There are vortexes and light speeds to contend with. Anything could go wrong. Of course they need goggles. Hobbes tries to get out by saying his goggles are in the bedroom. He tells Calvin to leave without him if he isn't back in a couple minutes. Calvin tells him to sit down. He has Hobbes' goggles.
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03 SEPT 1987
All ready? I'll just push the button and off we go into the future! Up, up and awaayyy! We're approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?!
Calvin pushes the button and off they go. Up, up and away. They approach light speed. Hobbes has to go to the bathroom. Now? Calvin can't believe it. He tells Hobbes they're in hyperspace. Is Hobbes crazy?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1987
What year in the future are we going to land? It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I'd say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol' earth is still around then. I've grown fond of it. If not, we'll return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash.
Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash.
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05 SEPT 1987
Hang on! We're coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum.
They're coming in for a landing. They look around. So this is the future. It looks like they're on a tropical beach. Hobbes pictured more buildings. Calvin guesses they may have landed in an arboretum.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1987
You know, some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh, hush we'll find our way home. You don't remember any of this? Nope, we're sure lost this time. If I had known we weren't going to find our way home, I'd have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. We'd better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey, isn't that our back yard? Why, so it is. I don't care how long you'll be gone, I'm only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles?
Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1987
Let's have a look around I'm sure we'll run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh, I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod, I'd guess. I wonder how you get in? I don't see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color?
Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1987
I must say, the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured they'd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks, too. I guess there's still pollution. Ever feel as if you're being monitored? ... or that you're about to do a double-take?
Calvin admits the future looks a bit different from what he expected. Hobbes says the breeze is hot and muggy. He thought they'd have figured out a way to control weather by now. Calvin says the air stinks, too. Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever felt like he's being monitored. Hobbes adds "or that you're about to do a double-take". Behind them is the face of a dinosaur looking at them.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1987
Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!
They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1987
We made it! It's a good thing the time machine didn't stall, or we'd have been eaten by dinosaurs! We're coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? I've had enough time traveling, let's go home. Let's go just a little into the future and see what I'm like as a teen-ager! Let's not, all right?
They're now flying forward in time. Calvin sees they're approaching the present. He asks if Hobbes wants to go forward in time like they planned, or did he want to stop. Hobbes has had enough time traveling. He opts for home. Calvin tries to convince Hobbes to go a little into the future to see what Calvin is like as a teenager. Hobbes doesn't want any part of that.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1987
Hi, Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. That's nice. What's it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually, we were trying to go into the future, but we made a mistake. I see, well, I'm glad you made it back. Your mom isn't fazed by much is she? It depends, she didn't take the frogs in the toilet so well, remember?
Mom is gardening when Calvin comes over and tells her he and Hobbes went time traveling to the Jurassic period today. She asks what it was like. Calvin tells her it was scary, and they almost got eaten by a dinosaur. Calvin admits they were trying to go to the future, but made a mistake. Mom is glad he made it back. Hobbes is surprised that didn't faze Mom at all. Calvin reminds him that she didn't take the frogs in the toilet.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1987
Dad, look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock! It's not 3 o'clock, your watch stopped. Time doesn't stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there, I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. I'd have bought one.
Calvin runs over to Dad yelling that the sun is setting, and it's only three o'clock. Dad tells him it's not three o'clock, his watch had stopped. Calvin asks if time doesn't stop when your watch stops. Dad tells him no. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off. He thought he'd be able to get rich patenting the thing.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1987
Wipe that grin off your face! Well, Hobbes. How do I look? I'm doing my best to bite my tongue. I cut out construction paper feathers and taped them on my arms so I can fly! Pretty neat huh? If paper feathers are all it takes to fly, don't you think we'd have heard about it before? It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things, Hobbes. I'd agree with that. Here's a gorge. This is a good spot. You're going to jump off this ledge? Heck no! I need momentum! I want you to toss me over. You understand I assume no responsibility for this? Heave! I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm uh oh. Don't sell the bike shop Orville. Shuh up and go get me some antiseptic.
Calvin has construction paper feather hanging off him. He tells Hobbes he's going to fly. Hobbes asks Calvin that if paper feathers were all that were needed, wouldn't they have heard about it before now. Calvin tells him it takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. Hobbes agrees with that. They come to a gorge. Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to jump off. Calvin tells him he'll need momentum, so he wants Hobbes to throw him off the edge. Hobbes tells Calvin he assumes no responsibility for this. Calvin isn't worried, he gets the patent. Hobbes heaves Calvin into the air. Calvin yells that he's flying. But down he falls into the gorge. Hobbes yells down for "Orville" not to sell the bike shop. Calvin tells him to shut up and to get him some antiseptic.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1987
Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I don't have to put up with this totalitarianism! I'm seceding! Gee, can you secede form your own family? Why not? I never signed up for this group! I wasn't even consulted! The only reason Mom and Dad are my parents is because I was born to them! A biological conspiracy, huh?
Calvin is in his room, which is all messed up. He's complaining to Hobbes that Mom wants him to clean his room. He feels that's the last straw. He decides to secede. Hobbes isn't sure he can do that. Calvin doesn't know why not. He never asked to join the group. He wasn't even consulted. He says the only reason Mom and Dad are his parents is because he was born to them. Hobbes thinks this may be a biological conspiracy.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1987
We can live anywhere we want to now that we're seceding from the family! Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? How are we going to get to any of those places? We don't even have a car! Ok Dad, for this amazing trick I'll need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes ...
Calvin says they can live anywhere they want since they're seceding from the family. Calvin wonders where to go, Antarctica, the Sahara. Hobbes reminds him they can't get to those places. They don't have a car. Calvin decides to try a magic act with Dad. All he needs is an American Express card and Dad's eyes to be closed.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1987
Hobbes and I are seceding form this family, Mom. Oh really? Yep. We're taking my sled and moving to the Yukon. Well, that's a long way away. I know. Here's a list of sandwiches and supplies we'll need. Why should I do all this if you're seceding from the family? We haven't seceded yet! Geez. What kind of mom are you?
Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes and he are seceding from the family. Calvin says they're taking his sled and moving to the Yukon. Mom says that's a long way away. Calvin knows, that's why he's got a list of supplies and sandwiches he needs from her. Mom asks why she should do any of that if he's seceding from the family. Calvin replies that he hasn't seceded yet. He wonders what kind of Mom she is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1987
Well, I guess we're all packed. Comic books, dart gun, space helmet and toboggan! We're off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh, that's right! Glad you remembered! I'll go get one! Don't we have any road maps of the Yukon, Mom? I doubt it. Ok, here's the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This won't take any time at all!
Calvin finishes packing. They're ready to go. Hobbes asks if Calvin has a map. Calvin looks for one and asks Mom if they have a road map of the Yukon. She doubts it. Finally, Calvin and Hobbes look at a globe. They find the Yukon. Hobbes finds the United States and comments on how close they are. He figures the trip will take no time at all.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1987
So long, "Mom"! We're off to the Yukon. It's been nice living here ... but not real nice! Ha ha! Calvin! Wait a minute. Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh. You're going southeast, north is that way. Oh yeah. I knew that.
Calvin says so long to Mom. He says it's been nice living there, but not real nice. They're off to the Yukon. Calvin has his space helmet on and is dragging his sled. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along. Mom yells for Calvin. Calvin stops, saying "leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye". She walks up and tells him they're heading southeast. North is the other way. Calvin says that he knew that.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1987
This sled is heavy. I thought we were going to ride it most of the way to the Yukon. We've only been walking 20 minutes, Hobbes. We probably won't get to northern Canada until this afternoon. In that case I'm taking a break. Good idea, want a comic book? Here's Captain Nitro. I want a sandwich. We just have one apiece. We should save 'em in case we can't catch a walrus.
Hobbes complains the sled is heavy. He thought they'd ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Calvin tells Hobbes they've only been walking twenty minutes. He doesn't think they'll get to northern Canada until that afternoon. They decide to take a break. Calvin pulls out Captain Nitro. Hobbes wants a sandwich. Calvin tells him they only have one apiece. He thinks they should save them in case they can't catch a walrus.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1987
You only packed two sandwiches for our entire trip to the Yukon? Relax, Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare. Mmff. Whath Thith? Honey n marthmallowth? That one is the other has chocolate syrup. As long as we're taking a break, we might as well record our progress in the log. Journey to the Yukon: Day one. Have traveled for twenty minutes. No snow so far. Food supplies low. Nevertheless, morale is high as we push north. My morale would be a lot higher if you'd carry the toboggan. Me?! I'm the leader of this expedition! I'm forging the path! I think it's my turn to be leader now. You can't be the leader! See I've got the commander hat. That can easily be remedied. Hey! Leggo! This is my helmet! Ow, quit biting! This is mutiny! Give that back. I'm the captain now. I give the commands. First, I decree double rations for all officers to aid their decision making capabilities. Oh, no you don't! that last sandwich is mine.
Since they're taking a break, Calvin decides to record their progress in the log. They've traveled twenty minutes, but no snow yet. Hobbes adds that food supplies are low. Calvin writes morale is high as they push north. Hobbes says his morale would be higher if Calvin carried the toboggan. Calvin says he's the leader of the expedition. Hobbes wants to take a turn as leader. Calvin says he can't, because Calvin has the commander hat. Hobbes tells him he can remedy that. They have a big fight. Hobbes ends up with the helmet. Calvin demands the hat back, but Hobbes says he's the captain now. He makes the commands. He then immediately decrees double rations for officers to aid their decision-making capabilities. Calvin yells the last sandwich is his.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1987
I'm not going to be led by you! I'm the rightful captain! You just stole my captain helmet! Let's say you gave it to me under extreme duress. Ooh, if you were littler than me, boy, I'd found you! Ha! Your mom told me you have a weird disease and you're going to get smaller as you grow older! She did not! That's not true! In fact, she's already got a contract from the circus side show. I saw it myself. I'm not listening! I'm not listening! Ohh say can you see ...
Calvin refuses to be led by Hobbes. He accuses Hobbes of having stolen his captain helmet. Hobbes agrees Calvin gave it to him under extreme duress. Calvin says if Hobbes were littler than him, he'd pound Hobbes. Hobbes holds Calvin's head at arm's length and taunts him that Mom said he had a weird disease that would cause him to get smaller as he got older. Calvin yells that isn't true. Hobbes continues to say he's seen a contract from the circus side show Mom has. Calvin covers his ears and says he's not listening. He starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1987
If I can't lead the expedition I'm not going at all! You can go to the Yukon yourself. Ha! As captain, I fire you anyway! Good! I'm going home! You don't have a home. You seceded, remember? My life needs a rewind/erase button. ... and a volume control.
Calvin says if he can't lead, he won't go at all. He tells Hobbes to go to the Yukon alone. As captain, Hobbes fires Calvin. Calvin says he's going home. Hobbes reminds him that he seceded from his family. He doesn't have a home. Horrified, Calvin stops. He hits his forehead and says his life needs a rewind/erase button. Hobbes adds that it needs a volume control also.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1987
What if Mom and Dad won't take me back because I seceded? What if they tell me I can't rejoin the family? They have to take me back! I'm their stupid kid, right? Right! ... the operative word being stupid.
Calvin heads home wondering what will happen if Mom and Dad don't take him back into the family. He figures they have to take him back since he's their stupid kid. He thinks that's right as he marches on. Then he adds that the operative word is "stupid".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1987
Gosh, maybe Mom and Dad sold all my belongings when I seceded. Maybe they rented out my room. Maybe they moved! ... a lot can happen when you are gone all morning! ... Mommmm!!
Calvin ponders whether Mom and Dad sold all his belongings when he seceded. Maybe they rented out his room. Maybe they moved. Calvin starts running home saying lots can happen when you've been gone all morning. He yells for Mom.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1987
I'm back, Mom. I changed my mind about seceding I want to be your kid again, ok? You'll always be my kid. I'm glad you're back. Well, Hobbes was being a moron. So I decided I didn't want to live in the Yukon with him. So where is Hobbes now? Isn't he back yet? How could Hobbes get back by himself? You're right that dumb tiger couldn't find his way out of an empty room.
Calvin peeks his head in the door and tells Mom he changed his mind about seceding. He wants to be her kid again. Mom says he'll always be her kid, and that she's glad he's home. Calvin tells her Hobbes was being a moron, so Calvin decided he didn't want to live with him in the Yukon. Mom asks where Hobbes is. Calvin asks if he isn't home. Mom asks how Hobbes could get home on his own. Calvin decides she's right. Hobbes couldn't find his way out of an empty room.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1987
Bedtime, Calvin. Where's Hobbes? I suppose he's wherever you left him. You mean he's still in the woods?? It's night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! I'll get a flashlight! We've got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin, it's your bedtime! Don't pull this stunt now!
Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. He asks where Hobbes is. Mom guesses he's wherever Calvin left him. Calvin is worried. It's night out, and Hobbes is in the woods alone. Mom scolds him about leaving his belongings. Calvin scrambles around looking for a flashlight. He's worried about finding Hobbes. Out the door he goes with flashlight on. Mom yells after him that it's bedtime, and he isn't going to pull this stunt now.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1987
Hobbes, you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head, where are you?? ... I didn't mean that quite the way the sounded. C'mon Calvin, get back inside it's too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I can't leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well, maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson, huh? I thought he'd come back by himself. I didn't think he'd get lost! We'll look for him tomorrow, now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope he's ok. If he hadn't been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish he'd come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kid's pretty upset. I'll bet. I mean, he's really upset. I said I'll bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ...
Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1987
No luck? Of course not! How am I going to find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night?! Why can't Calvin keep track of his toys?! I must be crazy to be out here. Hobbes! Oops. Heh heh. I may be crazy, but I'm not as crazy as you.
Mom joins Dad in the woods. She asks if he's had any luck. Dad replies of course not. How would he find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night? Dad complains about Calvin not keeping track of his toys and says he must be crazy to be out in the woods. Mom yells for Hobbes, then realizes she's calling to a stuffed tiger. Dad says that he may be crazy, but he's not as crazy as she is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1987
Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? It's almost midnight. Yeah, I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh, honey, thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. He'd better be, or tomorrow I'll leave him in the woods. C'mon we'll put Hobbes in Calvin's bed so he'll see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night, I'm going to bed.
Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1987
Hobbes! You're back! I'm so glad to see you! I'm glad to see you, too. Gosh, weren't you scared being out in the woods at night? Heck no, tigers aren't scared of that! I got so bored I hiked back. Mom! Look! Hobbes is back! Yes, your dad found him last night and brought him in. is that soo?! Mm-hmm. Why don't you go thank him right now?
Calvin awakens to find Hobbes. They say how glad they are to see each other. Calvin asks if Hobbes got scared in the woods at night. Hobbes denies that and says he got bored, so he came back. Calvin runs in to show Mom that Hobbes came back. She tells him that Dad found him last night and brought him in. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says "Is that so". Mom says yes and suggests he go thank Dad right now.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1987
Hi, Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house, you and I can be the parents, and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh, right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I don't see why you'll play with your dumb ol' tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! You're just mean, that's all! Go play in a microwave, Susie. We're busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice?
Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1987
Uh oh. It happened again. Calvin wakes up without any recognizable features, save two antennae. How disgusting. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slive. Lacking arms and legs, how will Calvin put on his clothes? Aren't you dressed yet? You are so sluggish in the morning!
Uh, oh. Calvin wakes up without any distinguishing features, except for two antennae. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slime. Without arms or legs, how will he put on his clothes? Mom asks Calvin if he's dressed yet. He's so sluggish in the morning.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1987
Where are you going with the toy telephone? Out in the woods, you can come along if you'd like. What are you going to do? Try some bird calls.
Hobbes asks Calvin where he's going with the toy telephone. Calvin tells him he's going out into the woods. Hobbes asks what he's going to do. Calvin replies that he's going to try some bird calls. Hobbes wraps the phone around Calvin.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1987
Eep! Ha ha! Right here kid! Help! Help! The leaf pile's got me!! The rake! Gotta get the rake! Forget it kid! You're doomed! Yaahh! Back you arboreal menace! Back! Wham wham! Sinister fiend! You won't be tricking other innocent little kids! I'll spread you across the whole yard! I though you said you were going to rake the yard today. I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoon ... where's Calvin?!
Calvin runs and jumps onto a leaf pile. The leaf pile grabs Calvin and tries to eat him. Calvin reaches out of the pile and grabs the rake. Calvin attacks the arboreal menace and beats on the leaf pile. He tells the sinister fiend it won't be tricking other innocent kids. He spreads the leaves all over the yard. Inside the house, Mom asks Dad if he wasn't going to rake the yard. Dad replies that he did. It took all afternoon. Then, he turns with his eyes bulging and asks where Calvin is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1987
Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No, you're staying home. What, I got the plague?! Why can't I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that?
Mom tells Calvin that she and Dad are going to a movie. Calvin asks if he can come. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not, does he have the plague? Mom says other people like to watch movies without hearing advice being shouted to the characters on the screen. Calvin asks who does that? Is she saying he does that?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1987
Mom won't let us go to the movie with them, so I guess we're on our own for tonight. Can we watch TV? What Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them, right? In fact, after they leave let's get in the other car and learn to drive! Oh, boy! I get to beep the horn, ok? Hey, there's a teen-ager coming up the drive. Oh no! it's Rosalyn! Our bab sitter?! What's she doing here? Don't Mom and Dad trust us?? Quick, hide!!
Calvin tells Hobbes that since Mom and Dad are going to the movie, they're on their own. Hobbes asks if they can watch TV. Calvin figures what Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them. Calvin suggests that after Mom and Dad leave, they get in the other car and learn to drive. Hobbes wants to beep the horn. Hobbes looks out the window and sees a teenager coming up the drive. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified. He can't understand why Mom and Dad wouldn't trust him. He decides to hide.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1987
We're leaving now, Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope he's not too much trouble tonight. Don't worry, I brought a cattle prod this time! You're mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny, let's go.
Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1987
Calvin? Are you in there? C'mon out and we'll make some popcorn. Calvin? Oh brother. I see you Calvin! C'mon back inside. No way lady! If you want us you'll have to catch us! Oh geez ... run! She's wearing cleats! Outta my way! Outta my way!
Rosalyn knocks on the bedroom door. She tells Calvin they can make some popcorn. She looks in and sees the sheets tied together going out the window. She looks out the window and sees Calvin. She yells for him to come back inside. Calvin yells back that if she wants him, she'll have to catch him. Calvin says she's wearing cleats and takes off running with Hobbes.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1987
Let's go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. It's my job to watch you and that's what I'm going to do, even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl, mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said I'm not going anywhere. Leggo.
Rosalyn catches Calvin and herds him back to the house. She tells him no more monkey business. She tells him it's her job to watch him, and she's going to do it even if she has to tie him to a chair. She asks if he gets it. Calvin clicks his heels, sticks his arm out in salute, and says "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer". She grabs him by the collar and asks if he'd care to repeat that last comment. He tells her he said he wasn't going anywhere.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1987
We're home, Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. That's good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police, sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here!
Mom and Dad get home and ask if Calvin was any trouble. Rosalyn says she sent him to bed a little while ago, but he wasn't much trouble. There's a knock on the door. Dad wonders who it could be at that time. He opens the door to a policeman. He tells them they received a call about two hostages being held at the house. Both Mom and Dad yell up the stairs for Calvin to get downstairs.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1987
Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.
Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1987
Hi, Dad. I'm repeating everything anyone says. Oh, you are, are you? Oh, you are, are you? Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok, give them to me. Ha ha. Why don't you go bother your mother for a while?
Calvin tells Dad that he's repeating everything anyone says. Dad asks if he is. Calvin mimics Dad. Dad tells him to quit it, that's very annoying. Calvin mimics him. Dad says he forfeits all desserts for the week. Calvin says give them to him. Dad tells Calvin to go bother Mom for a while.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1987
Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie.
During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies "Imadoofus". Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1987
Let's see what you drew for art class, Susie. Well, a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder it's men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1's nuking New York.
Calvin asks to see what Susie drew for art class. Calvin sees a tidy, domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Calvin accuses girls of thinking small and being preoccupied with petty details. Boys, on the other hand, think about action and accomplishment. Calvin says it's no wonder it's men who change the world. Susie asks what he drew. Calvin proudly shows a squadron of B-1s nuking New York.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1987
Mom, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I don't think so, Calvin. It's a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she won't even let us go into the store. I think we'd learn a lot by watching that.
Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1987
Nobody had better be sneaking up on me!! Whump! It's hard to change direction in mid-air. Buddy. I'm going to change a lot more than your direction.
Calvin is playing with a toy truck. He yells that no one better be sneaking up on him. Then, WHUMP! Hobbes lands on Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin it's hard to change direction in mid-air. Calvin threatens that he's going to change a lot more than his direction.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1987
Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes it's good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1987
A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and we'll kill you rather painlessly. Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didn't read the assignment, did you, Calvin?
Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of planet X-13. He looks for an avenue of escape as he's led through the dungeon. He's brought before the Zorg despot. The leader has been waiting for this moment. He tells Spiff he has information they want. If Spiff cooperates, they'll kill him painlessly. Calvin asks the twisted space crustacean what he wants. The reply is "a summary of Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific". Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of him. Miss Wormwood asks if he didn't read his assignment.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1987
Hey, Calvin, c'mere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1987
You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.
Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1987
Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot.
Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1987
Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1987
Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub!
Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1987
I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book.
As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1987
I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isn't a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sunday's because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and school's just begun. Gee, I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air, the early evenings, the ... uh ... the ... yes, well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didn't mention fresh applesauce, fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1987
Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this "skin." I heard it used to be made of intestine, but I think nowadays it's plastic. Of course, they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why I'm so hungry after school. Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies.
In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the "skin" off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1987
Hey, Dad, your latest poll just came in. let's see what it says. Be still, my heart. Well, I'll be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck, no wonder! I'm reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed, Dad. Don't you have some homework to do?
Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1987
I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure, back up the truck.
Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1987
Buurrp! Good heavens, Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and you're history, kiddo. Excuse me.
Calvin launches a huge belch at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin replies "Must be a barge coming through". Mom asks again what he says. Calvin replies "That sure tasted better going down than coming up". Mom warns him about three strikes and being out. Calvin quietly says "Excuse me".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1987
With ultra-sonic hearing, Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was, however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky, and ... Are you going, or do you need a push? Don't rush me, all right?!
Stupendous Man hears a cry of distress. He leaps to the edge of the building he's on and prepares to swoop down to the rescue. Stupendous Man didn't realize how high the building was, or that the winds at that altitude were tricky. Calvin sits at the top of the slide. Susie is behind him asking if he's going or needs a push. Calvin yells for her not to push him.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1987
Lurch your way to the car, kid. You need a haircut.
Calvin bulges an eye and hunches his shoulder. He's changing into a hairy beast, making snarling noises. He gets larger, with fangs and huge paws. Mom tells Calvin to lurch his way to the car, he needs a haircut.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1987
Your dad's working, so try not to bother him, ok? Dad, I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of, no. That's a relief. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If you're having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. I'll give you some suggestions.
Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1987
Think it's getting any colder out? Not really. I don't think it's gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well, let's go in.
Calvin and Hobbes are out in the rain. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks it's getting colder. Hobbes says not really. They sit a while longer. Calvin doesn't think it's going to change. Hobbes agrees. The rain continues to pour down. Calvin says they should go in. They were sitting on the sled and toboggan at the top of the hill.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1987
Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. It's really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol' George has the gout I see. I said this was hard.
Calvin is counterfeiting money. He says it's really hard because of all the little lines on the bill. Hobbes asks if he thinks anyone will fall for the forgery. Calvin thinks everyone will. Hobbes looks over Calvin's shoulder. He says ol' George has the gout, he sees. Calvin angrily yells that he said it was hard.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1987
The giant whale swims toward the surface! It's massive tail pumping furiously, he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin, you'd better not be splashing the floor, you hear me?!
The giant whale swims toward the surface. Pumping his tail, he gains momentum. The giant breaches and crashes back into the surf. Mom yells into the bathroom to Calvin, who's leaping from the full bathtub. She warns him he better not be splashing the floor.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1987
I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1987
The deadly tornado makes it's way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one, it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it, I know.
The deadly tornado crosses the community. The updraft is 200 mph. It searches for a trailer park. It finds one and touches down. Debris is blown for miles in the explosion of rushing air. Mom sticks her head into Calvin's bedroom, where there are things lying all over. She asks when he's going to clean his room. It looks like a .... Calvin says "tornado hit it, I know".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1987
Oh boy, it's Saturday!! What's going on? Why aren't there any cartoons on TV? It's just a test pattern. The TV guide says they don't start until 6:30. Heck, that's 45 minutes form now! Well, c'mon. I'll race you up and down the stairs! Why can't he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs, will you honey?
Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1987
Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!
Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1987
Bad news on your campaign to stay dad, Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts. So why the bad news? Who's the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Who's a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!
Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the "bimbo" is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her "pretty funky hairdo, Mom".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1987
It's the sad truth, Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If you're going to be dad here, we have to know you've never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Let's flip through it, shall we? Is this you with the keg and the "party naked" t-shirt. Give me that!
Calvin tells Dad it's true. Nobody cares about his positions on fatherhood. They just want to know about his character. They have to know he's never said or done anything that would reflect poorly on his judgment. Calvin has Dad's college yearbook. He flips through it. Calvin shows Dad a picture. He asks if that is Dad with the keg and the "Party Naked" T-shirt. Dad grabs the yearbook away from Calvin, saying "Give me that".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1987
Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah, mom's looking into nursing homes.
Calvin is telling Hobbes that Grandpa says comics were a lot funnier years ago when they used to print them bigger. He says comics now are just Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or show action. He says people should write to their newspapers and complain. Hobbes says Grandpa takes his funnies pretty seriously. Calvin says Mom is looking into nursing homes.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1987
Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Let's say eighteen.
Calvin tells Hobbes that a TV star made over twenty million dollars last year. He asks Hobbes what he'd do with that much money. Hobbes says he doesn't know. He thinks it's ridiculous anyone makes that kind of money. Calvin says let's say you only made fifteen million. Hobbes goes for eighteen.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1987
Hi, Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. What's cooking. Ha ha ha ha. What's with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track.
Calvin walks up to Mom who's washing dishes. He makes a drum sound, asks Mom what's cooking, then starts laughing. Mom asks him what's with him. Calvin tells her he thinks his life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1987
I made up a joke. A man's going for a walk, so he gets his dog and says "heel." ... and the dog looks up and says "it takes one to know one, buster!" ha ha ha. What's the matter with you? Don't you get it? Ahhh, what do tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway? How did the dog learn to talk?
Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he made up. A man is going for a walk. He gets his dog, and the guy says "Heel". The dog looks up and says "It takes one to know one, Buster". Calvin laughs, Hobbes doesn't. Calvin asks if Hobbes gets it. Calvin wonders what tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway. Hobbes wants to know how the dog learned to talk.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1987
Go way back. I'm really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy, he can't kick it this far. What're you doing? I'm ten yards from the goal line! Aren't you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before you'd ever get me from back there! What's the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards, or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more.
Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1987
Hi, Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax, I wasn't going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt, will you please? Here. Thanks, slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.
Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1987
I'm home. I read that tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca.
Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1987
Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it.
Mom and Calvin are watching a TV show. Calvin complains that the two people are kissing for so long. He makes a face as he talks about them slobbering over each others' faces. He wonders why anyone would do that. Do they like it? Mom carries him up to bed. Calvin says there is a connection there, he just knows it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1987
Quit hogging the bed. You're way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing, spilling, rushing, gushing, splashing. He really fights mean.
Hobbes tells Calvin to quit hogging the bed. Calvin is way over on Hobbes' side. Calvin says tough beans. Hobbes looks angry. He tells Calvin to think about geysers, waterfalls, water flowing, splashing, rushing. Calvin has to head off to the bathroom. He complains that Hobbes really fights mean.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1987
Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn't respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn't work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin!
Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying "1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!" The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1987
I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that.
Hobbes is lying on his back sleeping. Calvin leaps into the air to pounce on Hobbes. Hobbes wakes up, bears his fangs and claws as Calvin descends. Calvin tries to pull back. He walks off all torn up and says he keeps forgetting that five of Hobbes' six ends are pointy when he lies like that.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1987
If you don't hurry up, you'll miss the school bus. That's the best news I've heard today. Let's see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now, boys! Get 'im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok, boys, just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! I'm not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I don't want to hear about it.
Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1987
Since September, it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well, gee, now I don't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.
Calvin tells Hobbes that since September, it's gotten colder and colder. He's also noticed there is less daylight. He says that can only mean one thing. The sun is going out! In a few more months, the earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Hobbes doesn't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1987
Dad says the sun isn't going out. He says it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1987
Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently, now that the Sun is going out and we're all doomed? No, I've always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you?
Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1987
My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isn't going out after all! It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that!
Calvin says his teacher told him the same as Dad did, the sun isn't going out. It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Calvin tells Hobbes to imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1987
What's the story you're going to read me, Dad? It doesn't have any romance in it, does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesn't have a moral, does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral, too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white?
Dad is getting set to read Calvin a bedtime story. Calvin asks if it has romance in it. He tells Dad to edit any romance out. He asks if there is any boring description. He tells Dad to skip it if he sees any. He likes his stories fast and gripping. He asks about a moral. He doesn't like to be told how to live his life. He tells Dad to skip the moral, too. Dad asks if his majesty prefers color pictures, or black and white.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1987
The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! It's caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips it's hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already?
The mighty destroyer patrols the seas. Suddenly, the ship spins out of control. It's caught in a whirlpool. The vessel dips its hull into the vortex and isn't seen again. Calvin grabs another toy ship on the bathtub and says "Here goes the rest of the Navy". Mom yells in asking if he's letting the water out already.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1987
Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.
Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1987
I'm going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and I'll escape! Tie the knots tighter, don't make it so easy for me. Tie my feet, too. All right, let's see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin, dinner time! Should I tell her you're tied up at the moment, ha ha? I'll be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time, gosh. I can't even move.
Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1987
Your dinner's getting cold, Calvin! I'll be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! don't touch those ropes! I want to escape! It's easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots, no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing you're doing this here before you tried it under water.
Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1987
Mmf! Gggk! It's no use. You'd better untie me I can't escape. Let's see, this end goes in here, and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! That's tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin, this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! I'll get your cub scout manual. I don't believe this.
Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1987
I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff, but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots, all right? Hey, look, here's a motto! I didn't know you had a motto! Wow, what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you don't get me out of this. I'll quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Don't flip through the book, you idiot! Untie me! Hmph, if I was in your predicament, I'd treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say you're sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking.
Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him "Live for revenge" is going to be his motto if Hobbes doesn't get him out of there. Hobbes gives Calvin a quiz on what to do for a second-degree burn. Calvin yells for him not to flip through the book, but to untie him. Hobbes is indignant. He thinks someone in Calvin's predicament should treat him with more respect.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1987
Hobbes, I'm not kidding. If you don't get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this, Mr Houdini, not me. But I'm supposed to be at dinner! Mom's gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey, here's morse code! Ok, I'm sorry I called you names. I said I'm sorry, right? Now untie me. Here's how you say "banana" in morse. Dash dot dot dot, dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well, his dinner is stone cold. I hope he's happy.
Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1987
All right, young man! You've wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up, Dad! It's his fault. Don't make up lies, Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Who'd pay for you, you big fibber?! I'm certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh, hush. You always get me in trouble.
Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1987
First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? He's creating whole worlds over there! I'll be he grows up to be an architect.
Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1987
What's for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can't we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ...
Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1987
Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh, no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. I'm to smart for them though! I don't read my assignments!
Susie tells Calvin they have a substitute teacher today. Horrified, Calvin says that must mean their real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors. Calvin warns that they are trying to subvert little kids with subliminal messages in the textbooks that tell them to turn in their parents when the Saturnians attack. The earth will be rendered helpless. Susie thinks one of them has been eating too much paste in art class. Calvin proudly says he's too smart for them. He doesn't read his assignments.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1987
Behold the terrible thunder lizard, Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all, he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor, he lets out a triumphant roar!
Behold the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The fiercest dinosaur is twenty tons of bone-crushing muscle and razor-sharp teeth. He lets out a triumphant roar. Calvin is kicked out of the library.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1987
I juth hade it whed thith happedth.
Calvin gets ready for a big sneeze. Just before it happens, it stops. Calvin gets an odd look on his face. He says "I juth hade it whed thith happedth".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1987
Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows, he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh, nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day.
Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1987
How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh, yeah, the movie. Yeah, there was a movie, it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player.
Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1987
That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory.
Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1987
Open your moth and close your eyes, and you'll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! You're peeking! What's the matter? Don't you trust your own kid?! C'mon, close your eyes! Uh oh, hang on, he got away.
Calvin goes up to Dad with his hands clasped. He tells Dad to open his mouth, and close his eyes. He's going to get a big surprise. Dad opens his mouth, but peeks. Calvin notices and accuses Dad of not trusting his own kid. Calvin looks in his hands and tells Dad to hang on. Whatever he had in his hand got away.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1987
Anything yet? Not one snowflake.
Calvin dances back and forth. He asks Hobbes whether there is anything yet. Hobbes looks out the window and tells him there isn't one snowflake.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1987
Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience, I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully, and include them with the rest of my loot this year. That's the problem with this guy. He's gotten sloppy without any competition.
Calvin is writing to Santa Claus. He tells Santa he didn't get several things from his list last year. For Santa's convenience, Calvin has grouped those items together on page 12. Calvin asks Santa to please check them carefully and include them with the rest of this year's loot. While Hobbes reads the note, Calvin tells him that Santa's gotten sloppy without competition.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1987
He sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook?
Calvin listens to the radio as it plays "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Calvin turns the radio and offers the thought that Santa is either a kindly, old elf or a CIA spook.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1987
This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don't you think? You're worried about the salamander incident, aren't you? Temporary insanity! That's all it was!
Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa thing bothers him, especially the judge and jury bit. Calvin wants assurances Santa is impartial. He wonders what criteria Santa uses to determine good and bad. He asks about extenuating circumstances. He suggests kids should have legal counsel. Hobbes asks if he's worried about the salamander incident. Calvin quickly cries that was temporary insanity.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1987
They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants.
Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1987
Can we get this tree, Mom? Can we? I don't know Calvin. It's awfully expensive. Yeah, but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! It's a great one! This year I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. We're not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks, on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year.
Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1987
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isn't this a religious holiday? Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.
Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa Claus thing makes no sense. Calvin doesn't get the mystery, the secrecy. If Santa exists, why doesn't he show himself and prove it. If Santa doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this. Hobbes doesn't know, but asks if this isn't a religious holiday. Calvin admits it is, but he says he has the same questions about God.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1987
Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults!
Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a "bad" list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the "bad" list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the "bad" list...insults.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1987
Well, I've decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck, I'll believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. It's the spirit of Christmas.
Calvin decides to believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. Hobbes asks what convinced him. Calvin replies that it was a simple risk analysis. Calvin wants lots of presents. Calvin thinks it he shouldn't risk getting them over a matter of belief. He'll believe whatever they want. Hobbes comments on how cynically enterprising that is of Calvin. Calvin says "It's the spirit of Christmas".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1987
Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I haven't heard Santa yet, have you? Do you think he's coming? It's only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp, did you hear that? It's him! It's Santa! Shh! He's saying something! Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!
Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1987
We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh, no it's not morning already? Well, technically yes ...
Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1987
Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here.
Calvin hears Mom yell that it's bath time. She yells for them to just get it over with. She looks for Calvin. Calvin lies on the bottom of the bathtub, saying she'll never look there.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1987
Here's a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story I'm writing. You can draw something besides tigers, can't you? Sure. Leopards, pumas, ocelots ... you name it. Here dad, read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um, ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barney's dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your peas!" Barney shouted "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone. 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it, I get it!
Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1987
What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well?
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the true meaning of happiness. Calvin asks if it's money, cars, and women. Or is it just money and cars? Hobbes walks away.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1987
Look at this! You call this snow?! It's not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well, it's pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness.
Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments "Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1987
This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. We'll pour water on it, so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Where's that kid?!
Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells "Where's that kid?!".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1987
This snow fort can repel any attack! I hate this neighborhood.
From behind his snow fort, Calvin declares the fort can repel any attack. He ducks down, then stands up and leans on the fort. No one is attacking. He puts his hand on the side of his head and laments that he hates this neighborhood.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1988
Whap! I'm glad to see you're inside. It's handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off.
Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1988
My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind it's thick wall, I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! You're supposed to attack from that side of the fort, dummy!!
Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1988
Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. I'm just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any resolutions for the new year. Calvin replies no. Calvin thinks he's fine as he is. In fact, he wants the world should change to suit him. He goes on to say he doesn't need to make changes, everyone else does. When he asks Hobbes if he made any resolutions, Hobbes replies that he was going to be less offended by human nature, but he thinks he's blown it already.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1988
I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what I'd like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold.
Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1988
Help me figure out this homework problem, Hobbes. What's 3 + 8. Ok, assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply, so take the numerator (that's latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side, so what times three equals eight? The answer of course, is six. Gosh, I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me.
Calvin asks Hobbes for help on a math problem. Hobbes assigns the answer "x", which means multiply. So Hobbes then takes the numerator and puts it on the other side of the equation. Hobbes comes up with the answer. 3 + 8 = 6. Calvin thinks he must have done all the other problems wrong.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1988
Here's another math problem I can't figure out. What's 9 + 4? Ooh, that's a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know, eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and all those ... it's a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? You've never gone to school! Instinct, tigers are born with it.
Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1988
It's freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesn't someone make a fire?! If we can't afford to heat this place, maybe dad should get a better job! Why can't we move to Florida?! Calvin, pipe down and put on a sweater if you're cold. And go to all that trouble?!
Calvin yells that it's freezing in the house, and that someone should turn up the thermostat. He keeps ranting that Dad should get a better job if they can't afford to heat the house. Maybe they should move to Florida. Someone tells him to pipe down. He should put on a sweater if he's cold. Calvin complains that he shouldn't have to go to all that trouble.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1988
I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesn't watch TV at all while I'm at school. So if we get home at 3:00, I should be able to watch it straight 'till 10:30, right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?!
Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says "wrong". Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1988
Mom, the washer is done. Ok. Aren't you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin, can't you see I'm busy right now?? She says she's busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there aren't any towels.
Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1988
Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.
Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1988
Who's coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I don't remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure he's related? Maybe he's a con man trying to swindle us! Of course he's related. He's your dad's brother. He just hasn't been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens, Calvin. Now, now ... with Max, that's not a bad guess.
Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1988
We're getting near the airport, Calvin. See the jets? How come you're so quiet back there? Aren't you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks I'm giving up my room while he's here.
The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1988
It's great to see you, Max! It seems like ages since you've been here. I'll say. I didn't think it had been so long, until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid, what do you say? I say you'd better watch your step, 'cause I've got a live, man-eating tiger at home, and if I so much as wink, he'll rip your lungs out. cute kid, bro.
The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin "what do you say". Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1988
And this is my room, Uncle Max. I don't know where you're sleeping, but it sure isn't here. Gotcha, nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldn't get too close if I was you. Don't worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death, that's what he's got. And a killer's yee. You can tell. I think I'll go downstairs. Ol' Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe he's related to dad. A killer's eye, he said. Wow! I wonder which one!
Calvin shows Uncle Max his room. Calvin mentions he doesn't know where Max is sleeping, but it isn't here. Max understands. Calvin shows Hobbes to Max and warns him not to get too close. Max agrees and says he can tell Hobbes is a fierce one. Calvin tells him Hobbes has mandibles of death. Max adds that Hobbes has a killer's eye, you can tell. He goes downstairs. Calvin thinks Uncle Max is pretty sharp. He finds it hard to believe Max is related to Dad.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1988
Hey! Hey, kid, what are you doing?! I'm going through your luggage. What's it look like I'm doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves, or did they just untie you for my visit? Didn't you bring me a present? I can't find one anywhere.
Max comes into his room to see Calvin doing something. Max asks what he's doing. Calvin looks at all the stuff from the luggage lying on the floor. He tells Max he's looking through his luggage. He asks what it looks like he's doing. Max wants to know if Mom and Dad raised him themselves or if they untied Calvin for the visit. Calvin asks if Max brought him a present, since he can't find one anywhere.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1988
Is this my place? Can't I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok, go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered, Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey, that's sweet.
Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1988
I've got to go in. Another five minutes out here, and I'll be frozen solid. Ooh, I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill, so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Here's Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself, or what?
Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1988
Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope, I'm not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he?
Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1988
Boy, Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah, they're inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean, shouldn't he be playing with real friends? Oh, I think he will when he's ready. Didn't you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary.
Max is talking to Mom as they do the dishes. Max notices that Calvin takes Hobbes everywhere. Mom agrees that they're inseparable. Max asks if she worries that Calvin isn't playing with real friends. Mom says she figures he will when he's ready. She asks if Max ever had an imaginary friend. Max laments that sometimes he thinks all his friends have been imaginary.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1988
Uncle max, look! I'll show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok, first I'll need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No, it works much better with a twenty, or a fifty, if you have one. I take it you think your ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why, did Dad tell you how this works?
Calvin offers to show Max a magic disappearing trick. Calvin explains that he'll need a twenty-dollar bill. Max offers a nickel instead. Calvin says it works better with a twenty or a fifty, if he has one. Max crouches down by Calvin and tells him he must think ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Calvin asks if Dad told him how this works.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1988
When are you going back home, Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee, I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! You're all right, Calvin. Mom's a lot more patient with me in front of guests.
Calvin asks Uncle Max when he's going home. Max tells him tomorrow. Calvin says he wishes Max could stay forever. Max says that's a nice thing to say and says Calvin is alright. Calvin says Mom is a lot more patient with him in front of guests.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1988
Well, so long, Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok, fella? Heck, I'll come right now! So long, Mom! Bye, Dad! Calvin, get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We could've bought him a ticket. Well.
Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1988
Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air!
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1988
Seven, eight, nine, net! That's my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You can't just take money from the bank! You've got hotels on every piece of property you own. I can't afford to pay you, so I'm sticking up the bank, it's a robbery! You can't do that! I'm the banker, right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules don't say you can rob the bank. That's cheating. Do the rules say you can't rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events, ok? Ok, if that's how we're playing, then I'm robbing you! Ha! I'll steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well, I'm taking all the houses and hotels, and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250,000! That's what you think you, you. Isn't it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno, I overheard him using words he didn't learn in this household.
Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1988
Aaghh, I can't believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is you'd better do a great job! I don't want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? What's wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not!
Calvin can't believe he has to do an assignment with Susie. Susie warns him about doing a great job. She doesn't want to flunk because she got a doofus for a partner. Calvin reminds her that she picks her sandwiches apart and eats the ingredients separately. Susie wants to know what's wrong with that. Calvin says that makes her a grade "A" nimrod. Susie yells that it does not.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1988
Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1988
So what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! I'm not going to do this whole thing myself! You'd probably goof it all up if you did. Let's get started. Yes! Let's! I'll be the management, and you can be the labor. First, get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners?
Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1988
What are you doing?! You're doodling! You're sitting here drawing martians when we're supposed to be researching! You haven't done anything yet! Don't you care?? What's the matter with you?! It's no use! We're going to flunk! I'll have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here, this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch, you can see him eat an astronaut!
Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out "Why me". Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1988
Look, bird brain, you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ... well, what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate.
Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1988
Calvin, telephone! Why aren't you at the library?!?
Calvin is out sledding. He's called to the telephone. He runs in, takes off his boots, and picks up the phone. Susie yells at him "Why aren't you at the library".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1988
Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that it's not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! It's a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover, but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster, but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorg's cave, where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiff's mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Don't you want to lean way, way over, and test how hot the water is?
Spaceman Spiff walks along the planet's terrain. The ground begins to shake. It's a Zorg. Spiff runs for cover, but the Zorg is upon him. The blaster has no effect. Spiff is taken to the Zorg's cave, where there is a vat of boiling water. He's about to be cooked alive. Mom tells Calvin to get into the bathtub. Calvin asks if she doesn't want to lean way, way over and test how hot the water is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1988
We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And I'll bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin.
Susie reminds Calvin they do their report today. She asks if he did his half. Calvin indignantly replies that he did. He's sure his half will make Susie's half look pathetic. She warns him "It had better be good...or else". Calvin sits down and starts to write his report. He titles it "The Planet Mercury - an exhaustively researched report by Calvin".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1988
... and so, the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world, the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury, here's my partner Calvin. Thank you, thank you! Hey, what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really, I mean that! Go on, give yourselves a hand! You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isn't my fault, Miss Wormwood!
Susie finishes her part of the report and tells the class Calvin will talk about the mythology of Mercury. Calvin thanks the crowd, says they look good, tells them to give themselves a hand. He then tells the class a funny thing happened to him on the way to the library. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that this isn't her fault.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1988
The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets, which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I can't imagine. ... um back to you, Susie.
Calvin tells the class the planet Mercury was named after a Roman god with winged feet. He says Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets. That's why he's the registered trademark of FTD florists. Calvin offers that he has no idea why they named a planet after the guy. Calvin quickly adds "Back to you, Susie" as he sees her coming toward him with fist cocked.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1988
Boy, you should've seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. I've never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck, no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez, you think Susie was mad.
Calvin tells Hobbes sparks flew when he did his presentation. Calvin has never seen Susie that mad. He tells Hobbes she accused him of not doing research and making up the whole thing. Hobbes asks if that's what he did. Calvin says he only took a few creative liberties. Hobbes wonders why Mom was called for a few creative liberties.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1988
Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?
Calvin goes outside into the cold. He gets a funny look on his face. He grabs his nose. He asks "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1988
Here we are, overlooking suicide gulch, about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid, I hope. Because it's there!
Calvin and Hobbes are on their toboggan, overlooking Suicide Gulch, ready to hurl themselves at breakneck speed on a sled that hardly steers. They're looking death in the eye. Calvin asks why they do it. Hobbes offers "because we get paid, I hope". Calvin says "because it's there".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1988
I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes.
Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1988
Look, Hobbes, the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck, no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you don't like the color of your bedspread. Well, you just zap it, and presto, it's an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesn't have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose mom's getting on our nerves, for instance.
Calvin shows Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. Hobbes looks at it and asks "A water pistol". Calvin tells him it's the new, improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you just point at whatever you want to transmogrify. Calvin gives an example of not liking the color of your bedspread and presto, it's an iguana. Hobbes can imagine the myriad of uses of a hand-held iguana maker.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1988
How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit, and turns the object into whatever you want. That's amazing. Well, it took me all morning to invent. So say I'm thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where you're pointing that! Watch where you're pointing that!
Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1988
Ok, let's test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl, so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. I'll terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. What's a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No, no! it's a big flying dinosaur! Don't shoot me if you don't know what it is!!
Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes. Hobbes doesn't know what a pterodactyl is. Hobbes asks if it's a bug. Calvin tells him it's a big flying dinosaur, but tells him not to shoot if he doesn't know what it is.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1988
A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl, you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? It's almost lunchtime. Oh, I see well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hotdog!
Hobbes changes Calvin into a chicken. Calvin yells at Hobbes. He was supposed to change him into a pterodactyl. Calvin, the chicken, asks why he thought of a chicken instead of a pterodactyl. Hobbes says it was because it was almost lunchtime. Calvin continues to badger Hobbes by saying that he's glad Hobbes wasn't hungry for a hot dog.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1988
Here's the transmogrifier gun. Now try again, and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok, here you go. Well, now that's more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didn't why?
Calvin, the chicken, gives the gun back to Hobbes and tells him to try again. He says he wants to be a pterodactyl. ZAP! Calvin proudly looks at himself. He says that's more like it. We see Calvin as a minuscule pterodactyl next to Hobbes. Calvin asks when Hobbes turned himself into a 200-foot-tall colossus. Hobbes says he didn't, why?
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1988
You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My, aren't you the cranky one today? By golly, I'll show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You, my friend just made a big mistake.
Now Calvin complains that he's a tiny pterodactyl. Hobbes says big dinosaurs give him the willies. Calvin asks how he's going to terrorize the neighborhood like that. Hobbes accuses him of being cranky today. Calvin grabs the gun and says he'll show Hobbes. ZAP! Hobbes, the duck, says Calvin just made a big mistake.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1988
There! Now we're both transmogrified. We're even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasn't at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fair's fair. Ok, I'll take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great, just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes, huh? Well I hope Calvin is you, because his mom's going to have a fit when she sees this.
They bicker with each other. Hobbes grabs the transmogrifier gun and says he'll fix Calvin up right. ZAP! He turns Calvin into a big pig. Outraged, Calvin turns Hobbes into a monkey. Insulted, Hobbes zaps Calvin into a flower. Hobbes gets zapped into being an alligator. ZAP! Calvin is now an aardvark. Much later, they rest. Calvin is an owl, and Hobbes is a purple monster. The owl can't remember who is who. The purple monster tells him he hopes Calvin is the owl, because his Mom is going to have a fit when she sees this.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1988
Look, I'll transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid, ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh, that's much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. What's wrong?? I'm not transmogrifying! Boy, I'm glad we did me first.
They agree to change each other back to their original selves. Calvin, the owl, zaps the purple monster back into Hobbes. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin and....click...click...click. Calvin says he's not changing. Hobbes is glad they did him first.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1988
What's wrong with the transmogrifier? Why won't it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Don't tell me I'm stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh, I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know you're going to eat it?
Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1988
Hi, mom, I'm an owl. You don't look like a very happy owl. Nope. I'm not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I don't like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I don't like mice. I heard you. It's tomato.
Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1988
What am I going to do Hobbes? I can't be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. It's not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually it's probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before, but little boys don't smell so good.
Calvin is complaining that he can't be an owl forever. He asks Hobbes how he'll change back with the transmogrifier gun broken. Hobbes suggests he should just accept the predicament. He says it's probably better Calvin is an owl instead of a kid. Calvin shouts and wonders how it could be better. Hobbes tells him he didn't know how to bring it up before, but little boys don't smell so good.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1988
I've got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if I'm an owl?! Oh, no. I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my, what a wonderful day!
Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day".
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 FEB 1988
Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok?
Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 FEB 1988
No text
Calvin is getting dressed to go outside. He puts his scarf on, his jacket, hat and boots. Out the door he goes. He stops, comes back in. He takes off his hat, scarf, jacket and boots. Into the bathroom he goes.
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Yukon Ho!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 FEB 1988
Ding dong. I'll get it. Hobbes quick, close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! It's Rosalyn!
The doorbell rings, and Calvin comes down the stairs to get it. He peeks out the window, then turns in horror. He calls for Hobbes to help him close the curtains and prop furniture against the door....it's Rosalyn.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 FEB 1988
Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I don't have any guns. What's the problem? Rosalyn's here and she won't go away! Why on earth don't you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Don't you remember? I told you that this morning? You just don't pay attention. That's why you never know what's going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?!
Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1988
Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong.
Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1988
Come in, Rosalyn! I'm sorry! We didn't realize Calvin hadn't let you in. That's ok. It wasn't too cold and wet out. We're late, help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldn't get it open. Bed.
Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1988
Hey, don't fix that for dinner! Didn't Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? It's doctor's orders! Oh, I'd better call your doctor then! Oh, no she called my bluff! The doctor's gonna be furious! Boy, are we going to get ti! We? I'm dialing! Hello, doctor? I'm calling about Calvin's dietary needs. ... at the tone, the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news, Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No, he didn't. did he? What's castor oil?
Calvin tells Rosalyn that he's on a strict Big Mac diet, doctor's orders. Rosalyn says she better call the doctor. Calvin is worried that Rosalyn will call the doctor and find he's lying. Rosalyn pretends to call the doctor's office and asks about Calvin's dietary needs. Rosalyn tells Calvin the doctor says he should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. Calvin is glad the doctor wasn't angry, but he doesn't know what castor oil is.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1988
Mom doesn't set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isn't the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. I'm not your mom, all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself, and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you, you nasty ol' barracuda. I can't believe I postponed a date for this.
Calvin complains about the way Rosalyn set the table for dinner. The food smells funny, and it isn't fixed the way Mom does it. He likes the way Mom does it better. Rosalyn yells to Calvin that she's not his Mom. Calvin says Mom loves him more than life itself. She lets him do whatever he wants. Calvin calls Rosalyn a nasty ol' barracuda. Rosalyn can't believe she postponed a date for this.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1988
My dad is a big ... hey! I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist.
Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 FEB 1988
I'll get it. I think it's for me. Hello? Hi Charlie, thanks for calling. Yeah, this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie, this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriend's a sadistic kid-hater! Don't ever marry her! She'd be a terrible mother! She, uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you, he'll thank me!
The phone rings, and Rosalyn answers it. It's her boyfriend, Charlie. She starts telling him Calvin is driving her up the wall. Calvin gets on the upstairs extension and tells Charlie that Rosalyn is a sadistic kid-hater. He warns Charlie not to marry her, she'd be a terrible mother. Calvin, after being sent to bed, yells that after Charlie dumps her, he'll thank Calvin.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1988
Rosalyn sent us to bed and it's not even our bedtime yet! We've got to escape. Here's the plan: you start moaning, and when Rosalyn comes in. I'll throw this blanket over her. We'll tie her up and make our getaway, got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn, come quick! There's something wrong with Hobbes! Right, Calvin. What should I do, call a vet? No, just come up here and close your eyes.
Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1988
We're home! Hi, Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh, that bad, eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night, thanks again. She's got a real racket going, doesn't she? What do you want to do, stay home ever night until Calvin's eighteen?
Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks how Calvin was that evening. Rosalyn is standing with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Mom pays Rosalyn and thanks her. She gives a five dollar advance on the next time. Dad comments that Rosalyn has a nice racket going. Mom asks if he'd rather stay home every night until Calvin's eighteen.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAR 1988
Hey, Calvin, guess what we're doing in gym today. We're wrestling! Next period you'll be so covered with mat burns you'll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then, twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAR 1988
Kapwinggg! It's Calvin, the human light particle! In the blink of an eye, he's 165,000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope!
It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1988
Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. That's when you eat all the leftover milk that's all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me.
Calvin is eating his "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs". He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1988
It's freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey, you're on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah, well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my side's all cold! Well, don't get me cold! Move over. Sure, you've got a fur coat! I'm just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets, willya? I hardly have any, you hot! Gimmie those! You're letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right, Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what it's like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers, fuzz ball! Move over. You're getting my side all hot. Open the window, I'm roasting.
Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAR 1988
Hey, Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? It's a very special time! Oh boy, oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes, yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! It's your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.
Dad tells Calvin to guess what time it is. He says it's a very special time. Calvin gets enthused and wants to know what time it is. Dad tells him it's his bath time. Sitting in the tub, Calvin tells Hobbes that letters to Dear Abby where kids never write or visit their old parents really crack him up.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1988
I hate being a kid. Somebody's always telling you what to do or what not to do. Do this! Stop that! Day after day. You're lucky you're a tiger. Well, we try to stay humble, but lord knows it's hard. I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out.
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He says he hates being a kid. Calvin explains that someone is always telling him what to do or what not to do. He tells Hobbes he's lucky he's a tiger. Hobbes says they try to be humble, but it's hard. Calvin wonders if he can grow fangs when his baby teeth fall out.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAR 1988
I wish I was a tiger. A common lament. I've got an idea! You can teach me to be a tiger! I've got some red sleepers I can wear! Hang on! See? We can make a tail by stuffing a knee sock and pinning it on my rear! Then you can draw stripes on my face! Hmm ... what about fur and whiskers? I haven't shaved for six years. I seem to be cursed with a thin beard.
Calvin gets out of the tub complaining that he's not a tiger. Hobbes tells him that's a common lament. Calvin wants Hobbes to teach him to be a tiger. He has some red sleepers he can wear. Calvin will put a stuffed knee sock on for a tail. Hobbes asks about fur and whiskers. Calvin mentions that he hasn't shaved in six years, so he seems cursed with a thin beard.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1988
Gee, I'm getting more like a tiger every minute. Hold still while I draw stripes. How do I look? It's some improvement. Rowrr rrghgh rawrr. I dunno, you're still lacking something tigger-ish. Panache. That's it. Wiat, I've got some plastic vampire fangs I can put in!
Hobbes draws stripes on Calvin. Hobbes says he's looking better. Calvin practices a roar. Hobbes thinks Calvin is missing something tiger-ish, panache. Calvin runs off to get some plastic vampire fangs.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAR 1988
That's great, Hobbes! I'm a tiger! Well, being a tiger is more than just stripes, you realize. Kind of a zen thing, huh? You have to think like a tiger. Yowwow, I'm hungry! What's for dinner? How's that? Har har. Do you want me to teach you anything or not?
Calvin looks into a mirror and declares himself a tiger. Hobbes reminds him being a tiger is more than having stripes. Hobbes tells him he has to think like a tiger. Calvin hollers that he's hungry and asks what's for dinner. Hobbes doesn't think that was funny and asks Calvin if he wants Hobbes to teach him anything or not.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1988
Ok, we're tigers. We're out in the wilderness. Teach me how to survive. Let's say we're hiding up in a tree. Our keen tiger eyes and noses detect some prey nearby. What do we do? I suppose it would depend on what kind of prey it was. I don't care pick something. Well, if it's a box of rigatoni noodles, first you would go put on some water ...
As they walk in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes to teach him to survive. Calvin gives him a scenario. They're in a tree, and they detect prey. What would they do? Hobbes says it depends on what the prey was. Calvin tells him to pick something. Hobbes says that if it was a box of rigatoni noodles, you'd go put on some water.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1988
The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1988
Hobbes, you're supposed to be teaching me how to be a tiger. We've been sitting in this dumb tree all morning and you haven't taught me how to hunt or anything! It's instinct. You can't teach that. Well, if you won't help, I'll just go look up tiger in the encyclopedia. As long as we're going in, let's fix some soup and sandwiches, ok? You know what you are? A disgrace, that's what.
Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to be teaching him how to be a tiger. They've been sitting in the tree all day, and Hobbes hasn't shown Calvin how to hunt or anything. Hobbes says it's instinct, which you can't teach. Calvin suggests looking up "tiger" in the encyclopedia. Hobbes hops down and says that since they're going inside, they should fix some soup and sandwiches. Calvin calls Hobbes a disgrace.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1988
This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True, very true. Secretive? Oh, sure! You wouldn't believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I can't tell you, they're secrets. You can tell me! I won't blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy, if you only knew! Mm-mm!
The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1988
I don't believe you even have a secret. That's right, I don't. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why can't you tell me? It's about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! I've said too much already.
Calvin doesn't even believe Hobbes has a secret, and Hobbes agrees that he doesn't. Calvin says that Hobbes really does and again begs Hobbes to tell him. Calvin asks why Hobbes won't tell him, and Hobbes says the secret is about him. That just makes things worse as Calvin grabs Hobbes' leg and wails for him to tell the secret. Hobbes says he's said too much already.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1988
If you won't tell me your secret, I won't be your friend anymore. I'll give you a hint, how's that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if he doesn't tell the secret, Calvin will stop being Hobbes' friend. Hobbes offers a hint, "the flea market". Calvin asks what kind of a hint is that. Then Hobbes asks if Calvin knows how his parents got him. Calvin starts to answer, but stops and asks what Hobbes is saying. Hobbes won't give any more hints.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1988
I don't believe your dumb ol' secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. It's true. It is not, and if all your secrets are lies, you can just keep them to yourself. You just don't want to hear how little you went for. Oh, hush up. This book also says tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on one's nerves. A nickel. That's how much you cost.
Calvin doesn't believe Hobbes' secret. He says if all Hobbes' secrets are lies, he can keep them to himself. Hobbes taunts that Calvin just doesn't want to hear how little he went for. Calvin reads in the book that tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. Calvin can see how tigers would get on each others' nerves. Hobbes tells him he cost a nickel.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1988
This book says tigers are territorial and won't share their ground with other tigers. I guess we'd better divide up the woods then. This will be my territory, and that will be yours. This rock will separate our two sides. As another tiger, you are hereby banished from this side of the rock. Ha ha ha! Look what I'm doing! You cut that out!
Calvin decides that since tigers don't share their territory, they had better split up the woods. A big rock separates their two territories. Calvin proclaims that Hobbes is hereby banished from Calvin's side of the rock. Hobbes reaches over the rock and touches the side. He taunts Calvin by saying look what he's doing. Calvin shouts for him to cut that out.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1988
Uh oh, I'll bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know I'll sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! I'm home! I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Calvin comes home from school. He knows Hobbes is waiting to pounce on him when he opens the door. He decides to sneak around the back and surprise Hobbes. He enters the house and sees Hobbes waiting. Calvin comes up behind Hobbes and yells that he's home. Hobbes jumps up, startled, eyes bulging. Calvin walks off all scratched up saying he's got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1988
My side of the woods is abound in natural scenic splendor. Your side wallows in decay and filth. My territory is infinitely superior to yours. Your side is smaller. Hey!
Calvin brags that his side of the woods abounds with natural scenic splendor. He says Hobbes' side wallows in decay and filth. Again, he proclaims his side superior to Hobbes'. Hobbes rolls the big rock over once and tells Calvin that his side is now smaller. Calvin protests.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1988
I'm hungry. Well, you can't catch anything in my territory. That's what the book says. What do tigers eat in the wild anyway? They catch big gross caterpillars like that one. Ewww. It's got little spikes all over him. Tigers really eat these? By the truckload. They're great. Let me see the book. Who are you going to believe, some silly writer or a real tiger?
Calvin says that he's hungry, but Hobbes says he can't catch anything in his territory. Calvin wonders what tigers eat in the wild. Hobbes tells him big caterpillars. Calvin asks whether tigers really eat them, and Hobbes tells him they eat them by the truckload. Calvin asks to see the book, but Hobbes asks if he's going to believe a silly writer or a real tiger.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1988
So far, I haven't had much fun as a tiger. I thought we'd be romping around the woods like we always do, but it turns out tigers don't share their territories with other tigers! So here we are, sitting on opposite sides of a big rock. What a blast. Being a tiger just isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's not the half of it. It says here we're an endangered species!
Calvin hasn't had much fun being a tiger. He thought they'd romp through the woods like they always do, but the book says tigers don't share their territories with other tigers. So they sit, on opposite sides of a big rock. Calvin says being a tiger isn't all its cracked up to be. Hobbes says Calvin doesn't know the half of it. He tells Calvin that tigers are an endangered species.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1988
We're endangered? It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt. That's awful. I'll say. No offense, but I think I'll go back to being a kid again. This explains why I don't meet many babes.
Hobbes reads that tigers nearly faced extinction, and their future remains in doubt. Calvin says that's awful, and Hobbes agrees. They both think for a bit. Calvin says he thinks he'll go back to being a kid again. Hobbes says this explains why he doesn't meet many babes.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1988
I'm home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid.
Calvin steps off the school bus and comes into the house. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Out the door they fly. Calvin ends up on his back, with his feet up on a tree. Hobbes asks if he's glad to see him. Calvin replies he'd love to be a latchkey kid.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1988
I'm home! Wham! You'll notice I didn't say I was inside.
Calvin comes to the front door and yells that he's home. WHAM! The front door shakes. Calvin opens the door to see Hobbes holding his head. Calvin informs Hobbes that "you'll notice I didn't say I was inside".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1988
A red spaceship? On the monitor, your vileness. It's that infernal Spaceman Spiff! Open fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! He aims for planet Mok, hoping to find a reputable body shop. We join our hero after a crash landing on the hostile planet Mok. Ominous figures appear in the horizon. The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher, but he is hopelessly outnumbered! Surrounded, our hero is taken prisoner, and carried to a subterranean dungeon! Still, won't talk, eh, Spiff? We'll see about that! You'll never get anything from me, space squid! You had your chance, earthling! Take him to the interrogation room and wash his hair! Aaugh! You got soap in my eyes on purpose! Sinister fiend! If you'd stop thrashing around, maybe it wouldn't happen!
Spaceman Spiff crash lands on the planet Mok. Ominous figures appear on the horizon. He fires his death ray zorcher, but he's outnumbered. He's taken prisoner and taken to a dungeon. Spiff won't talk to the creatures. One of them orders Spiff taken to the interrogation room and to have his hair washed. Mom is trying to bathe Calvin. He tells the sinister fiend she got soap in his eyes on purpose. Mom replies it might not happen if he'd stop thrashing around.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1988
Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible, Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! He's ... he's alive! Well, look who's up and about. Hello, sleepyhead.
Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.
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29 MAR 1988
Calvin wakes up staring into the eyes of a big frog. Seeing Calvin awake, the frog scrambles down and forces open Calvin's mouth! Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian instantly slides in and is swallowed! How disgusting! I don't feel good. You sound awful. You've got a frog in your throat.
Calvin wakes up staring at a big frog. The frog scrambles down and forces Calvin's mouth open. Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian slides in and is swallowed. Calvin lies in bed saying he doesn't feel good. Mom says he sounds awful. He's got a frog in his throat.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1988
Calvin the elephant wanders the African plain. At five tons, he is the largest land animal! His deafening call shatters the early morning tranquility!
Calvin, the elephant, wanders the African plain. He is the largest land mammal. His deafening call shatters the early-morning tranquility. Calvin is sitting atop Dad, who's sleeping in bed. Calvin gets ready to blow a trumpet.
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31 MAR 1988
I read that a cheetah can run 65 miles an hour, can tigers run that fast? Of course. Really? Let's see you do it. Oh, I can't now. Yeah? Why not? I'm not wearing my drag chute.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he read cheetahs can run 65 miles an hour. He asks if tigers run that fast. Hobbes replies "of course". Calvin wants to see. Hobbes says he can't do it now. When Calvin asks why not, Hobbes replies he's not wearing his drag chute.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1988
Why do you suppose we're here? Because we walked here. No, no. I mean here on Earth. Because Earth can support life. No, I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist? Because we were born. Forget it. I will, thank you.
Sitting under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes why they're here. Hobbes replies that they walked there. Calvin is referring to why they are on earth. Hobbes tells him because earth can support life. Calvin tries to clarify. He wonders why they even exist. Hobbes says because they were born. Calvin gives up and tells Hobbes to forget it.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1988
Saturday is the best day of the week. No demands at all! Perfect freedom! The whole day stretches before us with unlimited opportunity! And what better way to appreciate that opportunity than by squandering it watching cartoons all day!
Calvin says Saturday is the best day of the week. There are no demands, he says. He and Hobbes go to the sofa. The day stretches before him with unlimited opportunity. What better way to appreciate that opportunity than squandering it by watching cartoons all day.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1988
Will you get me a glass of water? You just had one. I want one to keep by the bed, so I can douse this guy if he starts snoring. Good night, Calvin. Hee hee hee. Oh, great he's dreaming again. Sniff. Where do you think you are, you imbecile? Out in the jungle? Mm ... heh heh. If he starts running he's gonna get a pillow in the kisser. Sniff. Hey! Where are you going? Somnambulists give me the creeps. Why are we going to the kitchen? Calvin! What are you doing? Have you been sleepwalking? I was completely awake! It's this dope who's sleepwalking! I just followed him. I put him back to bed, he couldn't give any reason for being up. Do you suppose it means anything? Look, he got out all the tuna!
Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1988
Ahh! Lunch, my favorite meal! And today's lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm I've been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. I'll call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me, Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?
Calvin and Susie are at the cafeteria table. Calvin tells her his lunch is extra special. He explains he's been swatting flies and putting them in a jar. He got enough to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. He calls it "bug butter" and offers Susie a taste. Susie looks at Calvin and asks if he has any friends at all.
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05 APR 1988
Ok, you've all read the chapter, so who can tell me what's important about the battle of Lexington? Anyone? Calvin, how about you? Hard to say, ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.
Miss Wormwood asks the class what the importance of the Battle of Lexington is. Calvin is sitting at his desk when Miss Wormwood asks for anyone to answer. She calls on Calvin, who is shocked and horrified. His hair stands on end, and his eyes bulge. He replies that it's hard to say. He thinks his cerebellum just fused.
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06 APR 1988
Hey Mom, can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight, dear. Aw, Mom! Why not? Because I'm already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows.
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07 APR 1988
Why does the sun set? It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear!
Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies "solar wind". Mom yells at Dad.
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08 APR 1988
I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. What's the matter, don't you like games??
Calvin asks Hobbes to guess the number he's thinking of. It's between one and seven hundred billion. Hobbes guesses eleven. Calvin tells him to guess again. This time he tries six million and four. Wrong again. When Calvin tells him to guess again, Hobbes leaves. Calvin yells after him, "Don't you like games".
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09 APR 1988
Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh, I do. Really? How come? Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes destinies are determined by the stars. Hobbes doesn't, but Calvin does. When asked why, Calvin replies that life is more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
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10 APR 1988
Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room, please? I'd like to get off.
Hobbes is sleeping. As he awakens, he notices his tail twitching. He gets ready to pounce on it. He leaps. Around and around Hobbes goes trying to catch his tail. Exhausted, Hobbes lies on his back. Calvin tells him that despite his display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, his tail still has a death grip on his butt. Head spinning, Hobbes asks Calvin to stop the room, he'd like to get off.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1988
Your polls, dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high, the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like.
Calvin tells Dad his poll results are down again. Calvin explains that though his recognition factor is high, scandals continue to haunt him. Dad wonders what scandals Calvin is talking about. Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate are mentioned. Dad isn't worried. He calls them instances of true leadership. History will vindicate him. Calvin isn't so sure and wonders what his new Dad will look like.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1988
You'll be glad to know I've analyzed your poor showing in the polls. I'll bet. See, your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign, it's you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad, I call it.
Calvin has analyzed Dad's poor poll showing. Calvin says Dad's record in office is terrible, and the character issue is killing him. Dad's approval rating among six-year-olds barely registers. Calvin says Dad needs a slick ad campaign. Calvin calls it "The New Dad".
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13 APR 1988
I think the image we need to create for you is repentant, but learning. You know, show some humility, and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time, he'll do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in '88. I get the idea, Calvin.
Calvin wants to create a "repentant, but learning" image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. "Dad - Gradually, he catches on" and "Vote Dad! This time he'll do better" are offered. Dad gets the idea.
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14 APR 1988
If you want to stay Dad, you've got to polish your image. My image. Right, see, now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your mind's gone blank, I have some suggestions. Oh, the suspense. For example, you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory.
Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1988
Much as I appreciate your offer, I don't need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case, you'll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. We'll see. Now it's past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night.
Dad doesn't think he needs an image consultant. Dad prefers to let the wisdom of his words and deeds speak for themselves. Calvin thinks that means Dad will have plenty of time to write his memoirs. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin offers dire headlines, "Dad buried in landslide", "Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount", "Jubilant throngs fill streets".
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16 APR 1988
Eight, nine, ten! Here I come, ready or not! All right, give 'em back!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1988
I call this 'lookout' hill. Yes, you can certainly see far from up here. I call it 'lookout' hill because that's what you yell whenever we go down it. You know, sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. It's like ... it's like ... It's like what? It's like SOMEthing ... I just can't think of it.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says "it's like..." as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says "it's like something, but he can't think of it".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1988
Here I am, waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college, then maybe graduate school, and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. That's when I watch TV.
Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV.
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19 APR 1988
Look, Hobbes, I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow, a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here, you put those pieces together, and I'll do these. Then we'll stick yours on mine, OK? Shouldn't we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy?
Calvin got a model airplane and asks Hobbes to help him make it. It's a model of a Phantom jet. Hobbes notices all the small pieces. Calvin gives Hobbes half the pieces. He tells him to put those together, and he'll do the same with his half. Then, they'll stick the two parts together. Hobbes asks if they shouldn't read the instructions. Calvin asks him if he looks like a sissy.
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20 APR 1988
Hey, these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh, I got glue on my hands. It starts in English, but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. It's hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.
Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.
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21 APR 1988
Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make 'em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel won't fit in the wheel well. Here, let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings.
Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings.
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22 APR 1988
Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesn't look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I can't paint it like this. Look how good they did this. How'd they paint eyebrows on a pilot that's less than an inch tall?? I think that's a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand.
Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.
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23 APR 1988
I hate this model. Nothing fit right, the instructures were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I can't think of an afternoon I've enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course, with this for practice, I'll bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Let's get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings.
Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1988
A voice cackles in Calvin's radio. "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" Roger. What should I do until then? Calvin's F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But what's this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh, no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvin's only hope is to land, but the wheels refuse to open! They're stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model.
Calvin's Phantom screams across the sky. He can't see out the canopy, it's all smeared. The throttle snaps off in his hand. Calvin can't land, because the wheels are stuck. He frantically tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together. His jet is a hopeless mess. He shows his model to Hobbes and says "stupid model".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1988
I'm not going to bed! I don't have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! I'll be a hulking, surly teen-ager before you know it!!
Calvin yells that he won't go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. He can do anything he wants. Mom comes over to him, picks him up, and takes him to bed. From the bed, Calvin yells they should enjoy it while they can. He'll be a hulking, surly teenager before they know it.
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26 APR 1988
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of HIM? If that was true, you'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle, right? Gee, I guess so. I hadn't thought of that.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing by a puddle. Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever wonders if he's a reflection of the person in the puddle. Hobbes notes that he'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle. Calvin agrees, and he says he hadn't thought of it that way before. Late at night, Calvin still stands next to the puddle with a worried look on his face.
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27 APR 1988
BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! That's six shots! You're out of bullets! I've got you now, you rustles! ZAP! "ZAP"? My cattle prod.
Calvin and Hobbes are wearing cowboy hats shooting at each other. Hobbes tells Calvin he's shot six bullets. Hobbes has him now. Calvin says "zap". Hobbes wonders what that is. Calvin tells him it was his cattle prod.
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28 APR 1988
Hey Susie, guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy, gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever, ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. I'm not guessing. You might as well. You're nine-tenths there.
Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there.
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29 APR 1988
Mom, was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Don't be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom, Mr. Britannica!
Calvin asks Mom if he was ever a grub. He clarifies. He wonders if he was a larva, did he really pupate at age two. Mom tells him to quit being so disgusting. She wonders where he got such an awful idea. Calvin tells Dad, who's sitting in his chair, that he should get his stories straight with Mom. He calls Dad Mr. Britannica.
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30 APR 1988
How can you stand these cartoons? They're just half-hour commercials for toys. And when they're not boring, they're preachy. And these characters don't even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad, the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV.
Calvin is watching TV. Dad asks how he can stand cartoons. He says they're half-hour commercials for toys. When they're not boring, they're preachy. He complains the characters don't even move, they just stand there blinking. As Dad walks away, Calvin rolls his eyes and calls Dad "the Gene Siskel of Saturday Morning TV".
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01 MAY 1988
Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1988
Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If you're looking for fossilized remains, you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday I'll name an Australopithecus woman after you.
Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her.
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03 MAY 1988
I've been reading up on paleontology. It's amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hey! Why, you must be six years old. Oh, you're a scream.
Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream.
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04 MAY 1988
Archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I don't think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow.
Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning.
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05 MAY 1988
Hey, look! I hit something! Don't break it! Dig carefully! Gosh, what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. It's some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.
Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.
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06 MAY 1988
Wow! I can't believe we found a dinosaur skull on our very first archealogical dig. It's completely intact, too! What a discovery! Maybe the rest of the skeleton is nearby! Yeah! If we can find the whole thing, we'll be world famous! With the grant money we'll get, we can buy a Porsche! How will THIS look on the cover of National Geographic?
Calvin can't believe they found a dinosaur skull on their first archeological dig. Hobbes wonders if the rest of the skeleton is nearby. Calvin says that if they find it, they'll be world famous. Calvin thinks the grant money can buy a Porsche. Hobbes thinks his smiling face would look good on the cover of National Geographic.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1988
I found another bone! I found another bone! Boy, this is a weird one. What is it? It could be a forearm and fingers. I can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. I didn't know bones came in decorator colors, did you?
Calvin is excited to find another bone. He wonders what it is. Hobbes holds up a fork. He thinks it could be a forearm and fingers. Calvin continues digging. He can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. Hobbes notices the bones come in decorator colors.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1988
The call goes out! We're on the move! Up through the winding maze! Faster! Faster! Calvin scrambles up the grainy tunnel! Out he pops into the blinding sun! Calvin the and rushes down the hill to the brick walk! Other ants rush around him in their mad hurry! Calvin tries to keep up! At least he reaches the monstrous dead caterpiller! Without pausing, he hoists it up! The queen demands his tireless toil! Calvin is back off to the ant-hill as fast as he can go! Work, work, work! That's what I'm good for around here! I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave.
Calvin, the ant, comes out of the grainy tunnel and heads down the hill to the brick walk. Other ants are rushing around him. He reaches the monstrous dead caterpillar. Without pausing, he lifts it up. The queen demands his endless toil. Calvin heads back to the ant hill. Calvin is carrying a bundle of clothes. He's complaining that work is all he does around there. Mom, arms folded across her chest, tells him she hardly thinks Calvin picking up his room once in a while qualifies him as a slave.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1988
Gosh, look at all the dinosaur bones we discovered. Let's glue them together so we can see how they fit. Then you can draw a reconstruction of the actual dinosaur. After that, we'll write up our findings, and get them published in a scientific journal. Then we'll win the Nobel prize, get righ, and go on talk shows. What about babes? When do we get those?
Calvin looks at all the bones they dug up. He suggests they glue the parts together to see how they fit. Then, they'll draw a reconstruction of the dinosaur. After that, they'll write up their findings and be published in a scientific journal. They'll win the Nobel prize, get rich, and go on talk shows. Hobbes wonders about when they get babes.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1988
Well. Here's the complete skeleton as near as I can figure out. Try to draw the dinosaur as it really looked with muscles and skin. What's it doing? Whistling? You tell me. Maybe it's puckering up.
Calvin finishes constructing the bones together how he thinks they should be. He asks Hobbes to draw the dinosaur as it really looked, with skin and muscles. Hobbes finishes the picture. Since the "dinosaur" has a Coke bottle for a skull, Hobbes' picture has the mouth open. Calvin wonders if it's whistling. Hobbes isn't sure, it might be puckering up.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1988
See the dinosaur skeleton we discovered and assembled? I'm going to call the natural history museum and tell them they can have it for ten billion dollars. Those are ... um ... peculiar bones. Do you think I should ask for more money? That's not QUITE what I meant.
Calvin shows Mom the skeleton he and Hobbes dug up. Calvin is going to call the Natural History Museum and offer it to them for ten billion dollars. Mom thinks those are peculiar bones. Calvin asks if he should ask for more money. That wasn't quite what Mom meant.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1988
Mom says she doesn't think we've found a skeleton at all. She says we just dug up some trash somebody littered. Our dinosaur is a fraud. I guess it wouldn't be right to sell it to a museum then. Not at full price, anyway.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't think they found a skeleton at all. Mom says they just dug up some trash someone littered. Calvin says their dinosaur is a fraud. Hobbes laments that it wouldn't be right to sell the skeleton to a museum. Calvin suggests not at full price, anyway.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1988
Psst ... Susie! Can I copy your paper? NO. CALVIN!
Calvin whispers to Susie, who's sitting in the desk ahead of Calvin. He wants to copy her paper. She tells him no. He sits and pouts. Then, he reaches into his desk for something. The teacher shouts his name when she sees him holding a periscope, looking over Susie's shoulder at her paper.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1988
AAAUGHH! I SKINNED MY KNEE! OOH! OW! AAUGHHH! OW! OW!
Calvin is holding his knee and yelling that he skinned it. He seems to be in real pain. He looks around and doesn't see anyone. He walks home, opens the door, then starts yelling again that he is hurting. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1988
This is Calvin, your captain speaking ... just to reassure you that, yes, there is someone up front. Calvin pilots the jet airliner across the country at 35,000 feet. He is given clearance to land. But what is this? A plane from a rival airplane is making for the same runway to shave precious minutes off its schedule! It's a 600 mph game of chicken! Calvin pulls back on the throttle and lurches ahead! The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off with a sudden drop in altitude! Calvin switches on the "fasten seat belt" light in the cabin, and does a barrel roll. At 5Gs, Calvin hopes not to black out! As they close in on the runway, the other pilot has no choice but to pull up and circle around again! Calvin wins! Hey, Mom, is it true I could get a pilot's license at age 14? NO.
Calvin pilots the airliner across the skies. He has clearance to land, but a plane from a rival airline is flying toward the same runway. It's a 600-mph game of chicken. Calvin pulls the throttle, and he lurches ahead. The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off by dropping altitude. Calvin turns on the "Fasten seat belt" sign in the cabin and does a barrel roll. Calvin tries not to black out at 5Gs. They close on the runway, but the other pilot has to pull up and circle around again. Calvin wins! Calvin, who's running around with a toy airplane, asks Mom if it's true that you can get a pilot's license at age 14.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1988
HOBBES! You've got to help me! I'm in big trouble! What's the matter? You know how Dad said I could use his binoculars as longs as I was extra careful with them? Well, I just broke them by accident! Now I need some advice. Should I run away, or commit hara-kiri? Over the binoculars? Yeah. Maybe both.
Calvin runs up to Hobbes in a panic. Hobbes asks what's wrong. With a horrified look on his face, Calvin tells him that Dad told him he could use his binoculars as long as he was extra careful. He broke them by accident. Now, Calvin needs advice. He wonders if he should run away or commit hara-kiri. Hobbes thinks maybe both.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1988
Geez, I can't believe I broke Dad's binoculars! He'll blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very, very careful with them, and what do I do? I go and break them. He'll flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well, I was tossing them at myself at the time, as I ran down the sidewalk.
Calvin can't believe he broke Dad's binoculars. He's sure Dad will blow every capillary in his body. After Dad telling him to be very careful, he broke them. Hobbes asks how he broke them. Calvin just dropped them. Hobbes wonders why they broke just from being dropped. Calvin adds that he was tossing them to himself, as he ran down the sidewalk.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1988
How much money do you have, hobbes? Maybe we can buy Dad a new pair of binoculars before he gets home. I've got thrity ... no, thirty-five cents. Great. I've got four dollars. Let's call the store. Hello? I'd like to know how much a good pair of binoculars costs. ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DAD'S GOING TO DO TO ME?!? He won't stop at killing you, that's for sure. Uh UH.
Calvin wonders if he can buy a new pair of binoculars before Dad gets home. Hobbes has thirty-five cents, Calvin has four dollars. He calls the store to find out how much a good pair of binoculars costs. Calvin, to his extreme horror, is told one to six hundred dollars. Calvin again worries about what Dad will do to him. Hobbes is sure he won't stop killing him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1988
I had no IDEA binoculars were so expensive! We're doomed! We're doomed! "We"? Why in the world did Dad let me use anything so valuable?! He should've KNOWN I'd break them! He mustive been out of his mind! This is all HIS fault! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I suppose you COULD just tell him what happened ... ... and make my getaway when the coronary hits? Say, THAT's an idea!
Calvin didn't know binoculars cost so much. He says it was Dad's fault for letting him use anything so valuable. Calvin grabs Hobbes and yells to him "What am I gonna to do". Hobbes suggests telling Dad what happened. Calvin would wait until the coronary hits and make his getaway. He thinks that's an idea.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1988
Maybe we could GLUE Dad's binoculars back together and he wouldn't even notice! You think? It depends. Was the casing just chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked? Well, maybe you'd better look at it. Dont' sneeze.
Calvin wonders if they could glue the binoculars back together and Dad not even notice. Hobbes asks whether the casing got chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked. Calvin tells him to look at it. He pours out what looks like powder from a box. He tells Hobbes not to sneeze.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1988
Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? You've got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me.
Hobbes suggests telling Mom about the binoculars to see if she can help. Calvin tells him no way. Hobbes tells him he has to tell someone. Maybe Mom can think of something. Calvin tells him that at times like this, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1988
I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didn't touch all the bases! I did too. No, you didn't. You didn't touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. That's not seventh base. That's twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didn't touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? What's the secret base?! I can't tell you. It's a secret. I can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. You're out. Give me a dollar.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin scores. Hobbes accuses him of not touching all the bases. Calvin says that he did. Hobbes states Calvin didn't touch seventh base. Calvin points out that he did touch the water barrel after he touched the front porch. Hobbes clarifies that the barrel is twelfth base. Calvin thought the garage door was twelfth base. Hobbes informs him the garage door is twenty-third base. He accuses Calvin of touching all the bases out of order. Plus, he didn't touch the secret base. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes won't tell him, because it's a secret. Calvin can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Hobbes tags him out and tells Calvin to give him a dollar.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1988
Look at Dad, calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His "Dad radar" is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING, he just doesn't know WHAT. He can't nail me until he knows for sure. He'll just wait. I know him. He's going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later I'll crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ...
Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1988
YOU BROKE THE BINOCULARS?! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE EXTRA, EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THEM?? ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID?! WELL?! THOSE BINOCULARS WERE BRAND NEW! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY?!? I have an idea, Dad. Let's pretend I already feel terrible about it, and that you don'tneed to rub it in any more.
Dad is yelling at Calvin. He's telling him that he said to be extra careful with the binoculars. He yells the binoculars were brand new. He asks Calvin if he has no respect for other people's property. Calvin offers that he feels terrible about it, and that Dad doesn't have to rub it in anymore.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1988
I didn't MEAN to break your binoculars, Dad. It was an accident. (sniff) I'm really sorry. I felt like I was going to barf all afternoon. Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you like I did. I shouldn't have been so angry. After all, it was just a pair of binoculars. In the big scheme of things, that's really not so bad. (sniff) Really? Sure ... in another ten years, you'll probably be wrecking my CAR.
Calvin is sitting on his bed, hugging Dad. He cries that he didn't mean to break the binoculars. He says he's really sorry, and that he felt like barf all afternoon. Dad says he shouldn't have yelled at Calvin like that. He goes on to say it was only a pair of binoculars. That isn't so bad in the great scheme of things. Calvin sniffles "really". Dad tells him that in another ten years, he'll probably be wrecking his car.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1988
Hobbes, look! Dad got me my own pair of little binoculars! Wow, these are yours? Aren't they great? I'll say. Dad said as long as I was going to break binoculars, I ought to at least break my own. Now we can go to the beach and look at babes! Maybe I should break Dad's power tools and see if I could get some of THOSE.
Calvin shows Hobbes his new pair of binoculars Dad bought for him. Dad told Calvin that if he was going to break binoculars, they might as well be his own. Hobbes figures they can go to the beach and look at babes. Calvin wonders if he should break some of Dad's power tools to see if he can get some of those.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1988
Wind wind wind RUMBLE RUMBLE POW! Either I'm greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in this vicinity. Yes ... all over this vicinity.
Calvin is opening a can. He hears rumbling. Suddenly, Hobbes slams into him and knocks him to the floor. Hobbes looks around rapidly. He says that either he's greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in the vicinity.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1988
What a clear night! Look at all the stars. Millions of them! Yes, we're just tiny specks on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. Let's go in and turn on all the lights.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the stars. Hobbes says there are millions of them. Calvin says they're just a speck on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. After looking a bit longer, they run inside. Calvin wants to turn on all the lights.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1988
Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures, few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect, Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down, Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! You're making me sick!
Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1988
Don't move! There's a bee on your back! There is? Showw it away! Quick! And have it come after ME? No, thanks. Well, what am I supposed to do? Stand like this all day? I guess you don't have much choice. Do you? Great. Just great. I could be here forever! Say, that gives me an idea. Don't you go reading my comic books! Stay out of my room!
Hobbes tells Calvin not to move, there's a bee on his back. Calvin tells him to shoo it away. Hobbes doesn't want it coming after him. Calvin asks if he's supposed to stand there all day. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have any choice. Calvin says he could be there forever. Hobbes gets an idea. Calvin yells for him to stay out of his room and not to read his comic books.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1988
That rotten Hobbes! I can't move because I've got a bee on my back, so he goes to read all my comic books. He always gets them out of order, and he folds the covers back! Ooh, if I could only move! What kind of a friend would take advantage of a predicament like this? A lousy friend, that's what kind! What a stinker he is! Hey, did you see how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended? Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
Calvin is still standing there complaining that Hobbes is reading his comic books while he's stuck with a bee on his back. Calvin complains Hobbes gets the comics out of order and folds the covers back. He asks what kind of friend would take advantage of a predicament like that. He answers himself by saying a lousy friend would. He calls Hobbes a stinker. Hobbes comes up reading a comic book. He asks Calvin if he's seen how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended. Calvin yells for him not to tell.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1988
Hobbes, if you tell me how my comic book ends, I'll kill you. I've waited all month to find out. I'll give you a hint, OK? Captain Napalm takes his nuclear ... NO HINTS! NO HINTS! By golly, you hairball, if I didn't have a bee on my back right now, I'd ... Maybe there's a bee and maybe there isn't. I'LL never tell. WHAT?! Is the bee gone? Can I move? Tell me! Is it still there?? Huh? Rrggh! Is it?!
Calvin threatens Hobbes that he'll kill him if he tells him how the Captain Napalm issue ends. He's waited all month to find out. Hobbes starts to give Calvin a hint, but Calvin tells him no hints. Calvin says that if there wasn't a bee on his back, he'd... Hobbes says maybe there is a bee on him, maybe there isn't. Calvin is flustered. Now he doesn't know if he can move or not.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1988
Is the bee still on me or not? I'm not telling. You called me a hairball. OK, OK, I'm sorry. You're not a hairball. Now, is the bee there or not? No. Good. Now I ... OWW!! I meant "No, there IS a bee." Today is opposite day! Don't forget ... at midnight opposite day is over, OK? "Yes."
Calvin asks if the bee is still on him or not. Hobbes isn't telling him, since Calvin called him a hairball. Calvin apologizes for calling Hobbes a hairball. He asks if there is a bee. Hobbes tells him no. Calvin moves and OWW! He gets stung. Hobbes tells him that today is opposite day. So Hobbes' no meant yes, there was a bee. Hobbes is in a tree at night. Calvin, armed with a baseball bat, is standing at the bottom of the tree. Hobbes reminds him that opposite day is over at midnight.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1988
I'm not having dinner tonight. Oh no? Nope. I'm just going to eat cookies in front of the TV. You, young man, are going to sit at the table and eat what I've fixed, just like the rest of us. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
Calvin tells Mom he's not having dinner tonight. He says he's going to eat cookies in front of the TV. Mom looks at him, points her finger on his nose, and tells him that he'll sit at the table and eat what she's fixed, just like everyone else. Calvin says "Oh, yeah. That's what I meant".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1988
Hello, I'm wondering if you sell kegs of dynamite. You don't? How about plastic explosives? You're kidding. Well, what about land mines? Do you sell those? ... You don't? Look, I'm trying to send a girl I know into deep space. Perhaps you could suggest something.
Calvin calls someone on the phone and asks if they sell kegs of dynamite. They don't, so Calvin asks about plastic explosives...then land mines. Finally, he says he's trying to send a girl he knows to deep space. He asks if they could suggest something.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1988
FWOOSH As if life isn't short enough.
Calvin fills a water balloon with an evil grin on his face. He sneaks behind a tree. He sneaks over behind a barrel. He comes up behind the tree Hobbes is sleeping under. Calvin lifts the water balloon, and Hobbes says "As if life isn't short enough" without opening his eyes. Calvin stops, sets the balloon down, an lies down under the tree with a frown on his face.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1988
You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. An attitude? Yeah. You can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Really? Sure. They're all the rage. Now what kind of attitude could WE have? We could be courteously deferential. Oh, good. That's REAL cool.
Calvin tells Hobbes they need an attitude. Calvin goes on to explain you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Hobbes is puzzled. Calvin tells him they're all the rage. He wonders what kind of attitude they could have. Hobbes suggests being courteously deferential. Calvin rolls his eyes and sarcastically says "that's real cool".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1988
I've decided to be a fatalist. All events are preordained and unalterable. Whatever will be will be. That way, if anything bad happens, it's not my fault. It's fate. TRIP WAUGH! Too bad you were fated to do that. THAT WASN'T FATE!
Calvin announces he's decided to become a fatalist. He explains that all events are preordained and unalterable. Anything bad that happens isn't his fault, but is fate. Hobbes then trips Calvin, causing him to fall to the ground. Hobbes tells Calvin it's too bad he was fated to do that. Calvin yells up that it wasn't fate.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1988
Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way they're going. That's what I thought. I guess that means it's up to US then. Somehow I'm not reassured. Ha! When I'm president, I'll have things whipped into shape in no time.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin asks if grown-ups will have the world fixed by the time they hand it over to young people. Hobbes doesn't think so, and Calvin agrees. As the wagon rolls onto the pier, Calvin says it's up to them. As the wagon sails into the air, with Calvin and Hobbes falling into the water, Hobbes says that he's not reassured. Calvin says that when he's president, he'll have things whipped into shape in no time.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1988
Either we've got to get a catcher, or you've got to improve your pitching.
Calvin is walking down the sidewalk with a baseball bat in his hand. On he walks, until he comes to a baseball lying on the grass. He picks it up and starts walking back. He hands the ball to Hobbes. Calvin tells him either they have to get a catcher, or Hobbes has to improve his pitching.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1988
Gosh, it sure looks like rain. Rain? What are you talking about? There isn't a cloud in the sky! You don't think it looks like rain? No. Go away and stop being silly.
Mom is gardening, and Calvin comes up saying it looks like rain. Mom looks up and says there isn't a cloud in the sky. Calvin asks if she doesn't think it looks like rain. Mom says no and tells him to go away and quit being silly. Calvin walks away. He sneaks back within a few feet of Mom and places the water sprinkler on the ground.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1988
OK, out of the hammock. What do you mean? This isn't YOUR hammock. It's MY turn. I was here first. It's your turn when I'm done. If you won't get out, then I'm coming in with you. Lick heck you are! This crummy hammock always sags.
Calvin tells Hobbes to get out of the hammock. Hobbes tells him it's not his hammock. Calvin says it's his turn, but Hobbes tells him to wait until he's finished. Calvin tries to climb into the hammock with Hobbes. Hobbes tries fighting him off. Later, Dad is trying to enjoy the hammock, but it's dragging on the ground. He says the crummy hammock always sags.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1988
Do you see any snapping turtles, eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far, our expedition is a failure. How's the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes, I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part, though. As soon as it touches the water, it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before you're ready. Why don't you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! It's better to go in a wee bit at a time. No, it's better to do it all at once. It's worse to drag it out. You must've been dropped when you were little. I'll show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WE'LL NEVER NOW NOW, WILL WE?!?
Calvin is in his swim trunks, slowly getting into the water. Hobbes asks how the water is, and Calvin tells him his feet are completely numb. He says if he goes in a half-inch at a time, he can stand it. He complains his trunks touch the water, stick to him, and get him wet before he's ready. Hobbes wonders why he doesn't just jump in to get it over with. Calvin says the shock would kill him. He thinks it's better to do it a wee bit at a time. Hobbes thinks it's better to do it all at once. Hobbes decides to show Calvin, so he jumps into the water. Calvin yells for him not to. SPLOOSH! Hobbes shivers and thinks Calvin might have been right. Calvin, soaked, says now they'll never know.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1988
Hey look! Mom and Dad are throwing duffel bags in the car. They're going on vacation! At last! Finally we get the house to ourselves! We can stay up late and watch TV! We can eat cookies for dinner! We ... What are you doing up here still? C'mon, let's go. Me? Go? Where? On vacation! What have we been planning all month? With you and Mom?? What kind of vacation is THAT?!
Calvin sees Mom and Dad loading duffel bags into the car. They're going on vacation. Calvin is thrilled. He and Hobbes will have the house to themselves. They can stay up late and can eat cookies for dinner. Dad opens the door and asks why Calvin is still in his room. He tells him to go. Calvin wonders what he's talking about. Dad tells him they're all going on vacation. They've been planning it all month. Calvin wonders what kind of vacation will it be if he has to go with Mom and Dad.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1988
So where are we going? I sure hope we're not camping again this year? Well, we are. Oh, no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat, is NOT my idea of a good time! That's why we brought bug spray. Look, just let me out here, OK? I'll hitch home and see you when you get back, all right?
As the family is driving along, Calvin hopes they're not camping this year. He's told they are, which doesn't please Calvin. He complains about swatting mosquitos while lying frozen and cramped on rocks, no TV, and only canned food to eat. Dad cheerfully tells him that's why they brought bug spray. Calvin tells Dad to let him out. He'll hitch a ride home and see them when they return.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1988
Remember last year, when it rained all week? It poured so hard we couldn't even make a fire. Without question, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, but it built character. Oh sure. Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1988
Well, here we are! Home away from home! OK Calvin. You get out with your Mom, and I'll hand our gear to you. Now don't drop this. It's very ... oops. Don't worry, Dad. It's only about ten feet deep. I can see that camera and everything. I'm going to feed you to the sea gulls, kid. Dear, you came here to relax.
They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1988
Gosh, this water's cold! Here, that's all I could find down there. Go get me a towel, Calvin. It never fails. The one bag the kid dumps in the drink has all the fragile and perishable items in it. Well, the week can only improve from here. One would like to THINK so. Hey, Dad, did you mean to stack the tackle box and all this on your glasses?
Dad retrieves everything he can see in the water. He asks Calvin to get him a towel. Dad is dripping as he gets out of the water, complaining that the one bag Calvin drops into the water has all the fragile and perishable things in it. Mom tells him the week can only improve. Dad hopes so. Calvin asks Dad if he meant to stack the tackle box and all the other stuff on his glasses.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1988
Boy, don't go near Dad. What a grouch! I don't see why he can't be civil just because I accidentally dropped a duffel bag overboard and he broke his glasses. Are you going to tell him he left the car lights on back where we got the canoe? I think YOU should tell him.
Calvin tells Hobbes not to go near Dad, he's a grouch. Calvin can't see why Dad can't be civil just because Calvin dropped a duffel bag overboard and Dad broke his glasses. They walk along a downed tree trunk. Hobbes asks if Calvin told Dad that he left the car lights on back where they picked up the canoe. Calvin thinks Hobbes should tell him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1988
What's the score? Ten billion to one, my favor. IT'S NOT! Then keep track yourself. WHAP! Ha! It wen't straight up! Easy out! Easy out! You're not even going to run, eh? I don't blame you. You're as good as out. Bink! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! That's two hits in one pitch! This run counts double!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Hobbes pops the ball straight up. Calvin comes in for the catch. He tells Hobbes this is an easy out. Hobbes just stands there. Calvin asks if he isn't going to run. He doesn't blame Hobbes because he's as good as out. Calvin has his glove ready to make the catch. Hobbes sticks the bat out and taps it away before the ball can fall into Calvin's glove. Calvin complains that Hobbes can't do that. Hobbes takes off running. He claims that's two hits on one pitch, so the run will count double.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1988
Hey, Mom, Dad and I are going fishing. Don't you want to come along? Uggh, no. The last thing I want to see at this ungodly hour is a bunch of slimy fish gasping and flopping in the slop at the bottom of a boat. All I'D like to see is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Why'd we ever come HERE then? Go ask Conan the Barbarian. C'mon, Calvin. I'll teach you to put a work on a hook.
Calvin calls into the tent Mom is sleeping in. He and Dad are going fishing, and he asks if Mom doesn't want to come along. She sleepily says no, she doesn't want to see slimy fish gasping and flopping in the bottom of the boat. She goes on to say all she wants is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Calvin then asks why did they come to this spot for a vacation. She suggests he ask "Conan the Barbarian". Dad comes up with a smile on his face, offering to show Calvin how to put a worm on a hook.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1988
Ahhh, what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands, no phones, no pressure! The whole day is one's own! Isn't this great? Isn't this the life? Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zong slave galley, plans his daring overboard escape! Ahh, what a day!
Dad is paddling the canoe with Calvin at the bow. Dad says what a day. He talks about the fresh air, being up at dawn, the tranquility, no demands, phones, or pressures. He says "Isn't this the life". Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zog space galley, plans his daring overboard escape.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1988
Gosh, I could look at the stars all night. Without the streetlights or pollution here, it seems like you can see forever into space. SNAP CRUNCH Of course, if you've seen one star, you've seen them all. True, true. Shall we mosey on the back to the tent?
Calvin and Hobbes are looking up at the stars. Calvin says that without the street lights or pollution, it looks like you can see forever into space. Suddenly, there is a snap and a crunch from nearby. Calvin and Hobbes jump up. As they run back to the tent, Calvin says "if you've seen one star, you've seen them all".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1988
Look, Mom, the water is up to my knees. See? See? Look, Mom! The water's up to my knees. See? Look where the water is! Now look! The water is HIGHER than my knees! See? Look, Mom! See? I'm enthralled, Calvin. YOU'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING!
Calvin is standing in the water. He tells Mom that he's up to his knees. He keeps telling her about looking where the water is, he's up to his knees. He steps in a bit further and starts telling Mom about being in above his knees. He keeps telling her to look. Mom is lying on a beach towel, in sunglasses, reading a book. She says she's enthralled. Calvin yells back that she's not even looking.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1988
Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. What's that thing? A brontosaurus with rabies? It's that island over there. Oh. How far can you see without your glasses? Can you see ME? When I look up, I'd better not be able to.
Calvin comes up to Dad, who's sitting on a rock painting a picture. Calvin asks what he's painting, a brontosaurus with rabies? Dad tells him he's painting the island across the way. Calvin waves his hands and asks Dad how far he can see without his glasses. Can he see him? Dad says that when he looks up, he better not be able to.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1988
Hi, Mom! Mm. Dad's painting a picture, but it's not coming out so hot, and he's in a really stinky mood. It's like, I asked him one little question and he nearly bit my head off! I mean, it's not as if I ruined his lousy picture, right? Why should ... CALVIN, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO READ? Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when they're recreating?
Mom is reading a book. Calvin comes up to her and starts telling her about Dad painting a picture. He comments on how the picture isn't coming out so hot, and Dad's in a bad mood. Calvin continues telling Mom about how he just asked one question, and Dad nearly bit his head off. He says it isn't his fault his picture is ruined. Mom yells to Calvin that she's trying to read. Calvin walks off telling Hobbes grown-ups get tense when they're recreating.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1988
Si-i-i-i-ix ... fi-i-i-i-ive ... four-r-r-r ... threetwoone TAG! You're "it"! THAT'S NOT FAIR! TAG! I GOTCHA! OK, now I'm "it" and I have to catch YOU. But what about a penalty? Don't you go to "jail" and do pushups first? No, I'm just "it". There aren't any penalties. None?? Don't I even get free hits? Free hits?! NO, you don't get free hits! Just, like, on the arm? I think you should have to get hit on the arm. I don't have to get hit at ALL! Well, what about an Indian burn then? Or noogies? Can I give you noogies? NO! I'M JUST "IT"! THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENS! OK, OK! That's all that happens. Sheesh. If you ask ME, though, any game without push-ups, hits or noogies is a sissy game.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing tag. Calvin tackles Hobbes so that he's "it". Hobbes says that now he has to try to catch Calvin. Calvin asks if Hobbes doesn't have to go to jail or do push-ups. Hobbes says no, he's just "it". There are no penalties. Calvin asks if he gets free hits. Hobbes angrily says there are no free hits. Calvin thinks just a little one on the arm would be good. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have to be hit at all. Calvin presses for clarification. He asks about an Indian burn or noogies. Hobbes shouts no. He's "it", and that's all that happens. Calvin says okay, but he thinks any game without push-ups, hits, burns, or noogies is a sissy game. Hobbes suggests that Calvin can get hit if he wants.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1988
There's nothing to DO here. That's sort of the point, don't you think? It's good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things, without DOING things. You're certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.
Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1988
Mom, can Hobbes come in swimming with me? I don't think he'd better, Calvin. WHY NOT? Um ... tigers don't swim very well. They don't? Frankly, I'm not sure your Mom knows so much about tigers. Look, we just want to avoid an argument, right?
Calvin asks Mom if Hobbes can come in swimming with him. Mom says no, tigers don't swim very well. Hobbes is standing with goggles, a cap, and a life preserver on. He isn't sure Mom knows so much about tigers. Calvin tells him they're just trying to avoid an argument, as he gets ready to bring Hobbes into the water.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1988
OK, Calvin, start packing up. We're going home. Now, now. These little outings are valuable experience. Yeah? How? They give us a chance to be together as a family and learn about ourselves. Like how we can't stand being in such close proximity with one another this long? Exactly.
Dad tells Calvin to start packing, they're heading home. Calvin is glad. Dad tells him these little outings are valuable experiences. When Calvin asks how, Dad explains that they give them a chance to be together as a family and to learn about themselves. Calvin says like how they can't stand to be in such close proximity with one another so long. Dad says "Exactly".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1988
Z. Look at you. All you do is lie in the sun. I have to. How come? Tigers' tummies are solar cells. Year, right.
Hobbes is lying on the floor sleeping. Calvin comes up to him and says all he does is lie in the sun. Hobbes says he has to. Calvin asks why. Hobbes explains that tigers' tummies are solar cells.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1988
Are you hot? Not really, why? It seems warm to me. Aren't you a LITTLE hot? Nope. Not even a wee bit? Just a smidgen? What have you got behind your back?
Calvin is playing when Hobbes comes up and asks him if he's hot. Calvin says no, but wonders why he asks. Hobbes goes on to say it seems warm to him. He asks again whether Calvin feels hot. When Calvin again says no, Hobbes asks if he isn't a wee bit, a smidgen hot. Calvin notices Hobbes' hands are behind his back. He asks what he has behind his back. We see Hobbes is holding onto a water balloon.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1988
SUSIE, QUICK! GET HELP! Somebody filled my sandbox with quicksand! I'm sinking fast! Ack! Rrghh! Oh, right. Give me a break. Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.
Calvin is in the sandbox, buried up to his waist. He reaches out to Susie and yells for her to get help. He says somebody filled his sandbox with quicksand, and he's sinking fast. Susie turns around and says to give her a break. Calvin yells back that her gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1988
Spaceman Spiff explores the outermost reaches of the universe. By popular request. Intrepid explorer Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. What strange wonders will he discover here? Spiff sets out in search of sentient life! What a strange planet this is! It's surface is surpisingly soft and porous. And here curious geysers blast hot air! Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planet's surface at all! He's walking on a reclining alien!! Our hero sets his death ray blaster. Zz.. mmf hm?
Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. He sets out in search of life. It's a strange planet, it's surface is soft and porous. Curious geysers blast hot air. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He's not on the planet surface. He's on a reclining alien. Calvin aims his dart gun at a sleeping Dad. Calvin says that our hero sets his death ray blaster.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1988
This probably just goes to show something, but I sure don't know what.
Calvin is standing there holding a balloon on a string. He starts floating up into the air. Higher and higher he goes as he clutches the string with both hands. As he floats along in the sky, he says this probably just goes to show you something, but he sure doesn't know what.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1988
There's quite a breeze up here. I'm really moving. There's the river and the town triangle. HEY, DOWN THERE! My name is Calvin! Tell my tiger, Hobbes, I'm blowing away on a balloon! CAN ANYONE HERE ME? TELL HOBBES HE CAN'T READ MY COMIC BOOKS JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT AROUND, OK? ... OH YEAH, TELL MY PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED TOO, ALL RIGHT? HELLO? HELLO?
Calvin is really moving with his balloon. He sees the river and the town triangle below. Calvin yells down for someone to tell his tiger that he's blowing away on a balloon. He yells to see if anyone can hear him. He adds to tell Hobbes that he can't read Calvin's comic books, just because he isn't there. Finally, he adds to tell his parents what happened.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1988
Uh oh, I'm heading into a flock of ducks. Excuse me! Coming through! Pardon me! Gangway! Beep beep! ... Boy, if looks could kill.
Calvin is heading for a flock of ducks. Calvin flies through their formation. He apologizes as he passes through. After he gets through, he looks back and says "If looks could kill".
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07 JULY 1988
My hands are getting tired. I'll tie the balloon string onto my belt loop. There ... WHOOP SHOOF If a plane comes along now, I'm going to die.
Calvin's hands are getting tired. He decides to tie the balloon string onto his belt loop. After he does that, he flips upside down. The balloon pulls his pants down a little, his shirt falls over his head, and his underwear is showing as he hangs. He says that if a plane comes along now, he's going to die.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1988
Well, I suppose things don't get worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile above some unrecognized state. Of course, my grip could weaken, or I could get sucked into a jet intake. That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Calvin, now rightside up, supposes it doesn't get any worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile over some unrecognized state. He thinks about it, and decides he could get sucked into a jet intake or his grip could weaken. As a bird comes near, he says that's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
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09 JULY 1988
Boy, I'm just going higher and higher. I suppose eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will ... POP!
Calvin is just going higher and higher. He supposes eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will....POP! A horrified look comes upon Calvin's face, and down he falls.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1988
Here's "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasn't been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonight's story isn't as boring as LAST night's was. It put me right to sleep. Don't worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? It's called "The disembodied hand that strangled people." Gosh, this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know what's REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day, nobody knows where the hand is. In fact, the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! IT'S G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I should've thought of that years ago.
Dad is going to read a bedtime story to Calvin. Calvin hopes it's not as boring as last night's. That put him right to sleep. Dad promises tonight's story will keep him up all night. It's called "The Disembodied Hand that Strangled People". Calvin is all excited, he's never gotten a scary story. Dad tells him the scary part is that they never found the hand. It could be anywhere. Dad puts his arm inside his sweater and grabs his throat. He yells "Oh no!! There it is!" . Calvin's eyes bulge out. Dad chokes out that it's got him. Calvin falls back onto the bed. Dad checks to see if Calvin has passed out. Calvin has. Dad walks out of the room saying he should have thought of that years ago.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1988
This has got to be a dream. Whenever you fall two miles up in the sky, you look down, gasp, and suddenly wake up. GASP GASP GASP GASP GASP
As Calvin plummets back to the ground, he says this must be a dream. He says when you fall from two miles up in the sky, you look down and gasp. Then you wake up. Calvin looks down and gasps. He keeps gasping as he keeps falling to the ground.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1988
I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. That's the problem with being six years old ... my life won't take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.
Calvin wonders if his life will flash in front of his eyes. He keeps tumbling down. He says that's the problem with being six years old, his life won't take very long to watch. He hopes he can get a few slow-motion replays of the time he smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1988
Say, I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble, and ... Nope. No gum. Let's try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy, these things come in handy all the time.
Calvin continues to fall. He thinks about having gum in his pocket, then blowing a big bubble. No gum in that pocket. He tries the other. He finds his transmogrifier gun. Calvin says those things come in handy all the time.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1988
I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! I'll just point it at myself and transmogrify! I'm safe! ZAP
As Calvin gets closer to the ground, he has nothing to worry about. He had forgotten his transmogrifier gun. He just points it at himself, and he's safe. ZAP! Calvin turns into a floor safe and continues plummeting to the ground.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1988
Where have you been?? I've been calling and calling. You're dinner's cold, I'm sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped, but fortunately I had my transmogrifier, so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe, I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course, If I'd known we were having THIS, I wouldn't have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.
Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1988
Calvin, I'd like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard, so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK, I'll pay you a dollar. A dollar? I won't do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute, you'll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... I'll take the dollar. Smart kid.
Dad wants Calvin to pick up the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so he can mow it. Calvin asks if Dad will pay him. Dad says he'll pay one dollar. Calvin is indignant. He says he won't do it for less than twenty-five. Dad reminds him in a minute, he'll do it for free because he told him to. Calvin says he'll take the dollar.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1988
I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK, that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now, so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third, right? Nope, they're both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third, and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! You've got two outs. Well, my ghost on first just stole home, so I've got another run! Ha ha, smarty! Yeah, well, all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. They're out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts don't play, I don't play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. They're "boo"-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin gets a single, so he has a ghost runner on first while he goes back to bat. His earlier ghost base runners advance. Hobbes calls them out. He says his ghost outfielder tagged Calvin's ghost runner and threw to the ghost second baseman. Hobbes says Calvin has two outs. Calvin angrily says his ghost runner from first base stole home, and he has another run. Hobbes says his ghost outfielders ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of Calvin's ghost runner. Calvin declares the ghost umpire suspended Hobbes' ghosts for eternity. Hobbes flips his glove off saying if his ghosts don't play, he doesn't play. Calvin declares a forfeit. Hobbes loses. Hobbes says the ghost crowd supports him. He says they're "boo"ing Calvin. Calvin sometime wishes he lived in a neighborhood with more kids.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1988
Let's go, Calvin! We're all ready! Boy, I haven't been to the zoo in ages. And Calvin's never been there. This will be fun. I've been telling him about it all week. He's so excited. C'MON, CALVIN! So WHERE do we have to go now? Beats ME. Mom and Dad are always dragging us to SOME dumb place.
Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.
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19 JULY 1988
How come alligators are in this big pit? So they don't get out and eat people. Does the zoo ever throw anyone in? Don't be silly. Of course not. How soon until we got hom?
Dad holds Calvin up so he can see into the alligator pit. Calvin asks why they're in a pit. Dad explains it's so they don't get out and eat people. Calvin asks if the zoo ever throws anyone in. Dad tells him no. Calvin looks a little longer. Dad puts him down, and Calvin asks how soon until they go home.
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20 JULY 1988
Look! Monkeys! See how they use their tails and feet to climb? Zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Hey, look what THAT monkey's doing! Right in public, too! Ha ha! That's gross! How come I'M not allowed to do that?! Come look at the birds over here, Calvin.
Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.
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21 JULY 1988
What do you think of the zoo? I think it's kind of depressing. I always feel sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move or anything to do. They just sleep until they're fed. That's pretty much all YOU do. You know what I mean.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks of the zoo. Hobbes thinks it's kind of depressing. Hobbes feels sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move, nor anything to do. He says they just sleep until they're fed. Calvin says that's pretty much all Hobbes does. Hobbes tells him he knows what he meant.
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22 JULY 1988
Hey, those kids are feeding the animals! Mom, can I get some peanuts to feed the animals? I'm not your Mom. WHOOP Are you lost? What does your Mom look like? From the knees down, she looks just like you.
Calvin says there are some kids feeding the animals. Calvin pulls on Mom's skirt and asks if he can get some peanuts to feed to the animals. The skirt he pulled isn't his Mom's. It's someone else. She tells Calvin she's not his Mom, and Calvin is shocked. The woman asks if Calvin is lost. She asks what his Mom looks like. Calvin tells her that from the knees down, Mom looks just like her.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1988
Gosh, I followed that lady halfway around the zoo, thinking she was my Mom. Why don't Moms write their names on their calves so this kind of thing wouldn't happen? I wonder where I am. And where's Hobbes? I thought he was right with me. Uh oh. Where's Calvin? Why do these little family trips always turn out this way? I'm going to spend more Saturdays at the office.
Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1988
Rustle rustle zing! WHAM! We tigers just LIVE for that! Not for long, you won't!
Hobbes sneaks behind a tree, then through some tall grass. He crouches, ready to attack. Calvin is unsuspectingly playing in his sandbox. He's covered in shadow, and he looks up. Hobbes crashes down on him. Hobbes brushes off his arms and says tigers just live for that. Calvin, peeking up from the sand, says that he won't for long.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1988
Here's Hobbes, but where's Calvin? I don't see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didn't he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back, and I'll go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
Mom and Dad look around for Calvin. Mom says they just turned their backs for a minute. Dad wonders why he didn't take Hobbes. Dad tells Mom to stay at the bench in case Calvin returns. He's going to go look for him. Dad complains that being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1988
Sheesh. Calvin could be anywhere in this zoo. I hope he at least has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. Where would the little rotter go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy? HIS NAME IS HOBBES, AND HE'S ... HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! TIGERS Panthera Tigris
Dad figures Calvin could be anywhere at the zoo. He looks around and says he hopes Calvin has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. He wonders where the little rotter would go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy. Calvin leans over the wall at the tiger cage and is yelling in to them to listen to him tell them about Hobbes.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1988
I know! Maybe Calvin't at the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much. Ha ha, maybe Calvin's IN the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much.
Dad gets an idea. He thinks Calvin might be at the tiger pit, because he likes them so much. He starts walking. He chuckles as he thinks maybe Calvin will be in the tiger pit, since he likes them so much. He starts running.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1988
You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady, thinking it was Mom, and then when I realized I was lost, I went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Next time, you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time, there won't BE a next time, because we're just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were, I might add.
Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1988
Do you know what day it is? Nope. Why? Oh, no reason. I was just curious. I sure like summer vacation.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin asks if Hobbes knows what day it is. Hobbes doesn't, and he wonders why Calvin asked. Calvin replies there was no reason, he was just curious. They start to doze off. Calvin says he sure likes summer vacation.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1988
So you want some water, huh? Well, I've got a big can of it here. It's up to ME to decide whether you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very LIVES are in my hands. Without ME you're as good as dead! Without ME, you don't ...
Calvin looks at a couple flowers. He has a water can with him. He asks the flowers if they want some water. He says it's up to him whether the flowers get water or not. He controls their fate. Their lives are in his hands. Without Calvin, they're as good as dead. Without him, they don't.... It starts pouring. Calvin frowns.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1988
Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well, I was just standing there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy, what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place, and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well, at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHAT'D YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDN'T DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK, OK! I'M GOING! YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE! Hey, Dad, catch the water balloon! Great reflexes, Dad. By the way, don't go in the house like that. Mom's in one of her moods again. I'll bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.
Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1988
Mom? What, Calvin? You know the living room couch? What about it? Don't you think it's too wide? I was just ASKING!
Mom is painting something when Calvin yells for her. He asks if she knows the living room couch. When Mom asks what about it, Calvin asks if she thinks it's too wide. Horrified, Mom puts the paint down and goes to the living room. Calvin is standing with a saw behind his back. He tells Mom he was just asking.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1988
Wind wind RUMBLE Oh, no! POW! IT WASN'T TUNA! IT WAS PINEAPPLE! SEE?! All cans sound the same.
Calvin starts opening a can. He hears rumbling, realizes what's about to happen, and covers his eyes. Hobbes comes slamming into him. Calvin angrily picks up a chunk and shows Hobbes he was opening a can of pineapple, not tuna. Hobbes tells him all cans sound the same.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1988
The problem with having a tiger for a friend is that he always appears out of nowhere, coming at you at 90 miles an hour! AAH! *Whew* I thought I heard him. ... Gosh, my heart is still pounding. Where IS he?? Oh, THERE'S Hobbes. Thank goodness. You haven't been looking well, Calvin. Maybe you should go to bed earlier.
Calvin looks jittery as he walks along. He says the problem having a tiger for a friend is that he appears out of nowhere, coming right at you at 90 miles an hour. He looks around, startled. Calvin wipes his brow. He thought he had heard Hobbes. His heart is still pounding. He sees Hobbes on the floor. Mom tells him he hasn't been looking well. She suggests he should go to bed earlier.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1988
Boy, what a beautiful summer morning, huh, Dad? Too bad you can't stay home to enjoy it. When you're old, you'll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these, but of course, that's far off, and in the meantime, there's lots of work to be done. Yep, you'd better go to work, have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe you'll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me.
Dad gets ready to leave for work. Calvin tells him it's too bad he can't stay home to enjoy the beautiful summer morning. As Dad walks to the garage, Calvin yells to him that when he's old, he'll be sorry he didn't take advantage of days like this. He says that's far off, but there's lots of work to do in the meantime. He adds that Dad should have a good long drive in to work. Maybe he'll get home in time to watch the sun set. Calvin closes the door, walking back into the house, saying he'd hate to have a kid like him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1988
What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging, and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. You'd do THAT? No, I'd do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity.
Hobbes is lying under a tree. Calvin comes up with a water balloon. He asks Hobbes what he'd do if he got creamed by the water balloon. Hobbes tells him to take the worst thing he can imagine, then imagine something a hundred times worse. Calvin asks if he'd do that. Hobbes tells him he'd do something worse. Calvin hits Hobbes with the balloon and takes off running. Calvin says Hobbes piqued his curiosity.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1988
BIP WHEEEE.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches it start to float off. Then it pops, "BIP". Calvin says "Wheeee".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1988
The race will finish at that trr, OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo, I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! That's our best time yet for the 50-yard dash!
Calvin and Hobbes line up for a race. When Calvin take a lead, Hobbes holds the back of his shirt. When Hobbes gets a lead, Calvin pulls his tail. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. As they're wrestling with each other, Hobbes finally gets to the finish line. Calvin, lying on Hobbes' back, says ten minutes is their best time yet for the 50-yard dash.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1988
What are you doing with all your Dad's tools in the bathroom? This faucet drips, so I'm going to fix it. YOU'RE going to fix it? That's what I said. ... And you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr Doom. I didn't say anything.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's doing with all Dad's tools in the bathroom. Calvin tells him the faucet drips, so he's going to fix it. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin is going to fix it. As Calvin prepares to use the wrench, he tells Dr. Doom he can keep his comments to himself.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1988
Fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Does your Mom know you're doing this? Nope. It's going to be a surprise. And we all know how she loves surprises. I can't get this handle off. Pass me the hacksaw, will you?
Calvin says fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Hobbes asks if Mom knows he's doing this. Calvin says no, it's a surprise. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says we all know how she loves surprises. Calvin is having trouble getting the handle off. He asks Hobbes to pass him the hacksaw.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1988
Aren't you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1988
Hobbes, quick! How do you turn off the water?!? How should I know?? I can't put this piece back in with all this water coming out! I'll get your Mom! MY MOM? Have you lost your mind? She can't find out about this! I'll bet she notices when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Open the medicine cabinet! Find some cyanide!
In a panic, Calvin asks Hobbes how to turn off the water. Hobbes doesn't know. Calvin can't put a piece back in with all the water coming out. Hobbes goes to get Mom. Calvin asks if Hobbes has lost his mind. He says Mom can't find out about this. Hobbes believes she'll notice when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Calvin opens the medicine cabinet, looking for cyanide.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1988
La da dee dee da I think I'll get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothing's wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Let's see, how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn.
Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1988
Calvin, what are you doing? I'm ... uh ... going to the bathroom. Is everything all right? Fine! Don't come up! FLUSH
Dad yells up the stairs asking what Calvin's doing. He says he's going to the bathroom as the toilet flushes. Dad asks if everything is alright. Calvin says things are fine and not to come up. Hobbes is flushing the toilet while Calvin is up to his waist in water.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1988
Dinosaurs everywhere flee for their lives! Calvin is coming. The late cretaceous: the last epoch of the mighty dinosaurs. King of the thunder lizards is the fearsome Calvin, the tyrannosaurus! Seven tons of muscle and teeth, he searches for his prey! Calvin, for goodness sake, stop stomping around! You're driving me crazy! OW! CHOMP! How did the fearsome tyrannosaurus become extinct? Now we know!
Calvin, the tyrannosaurus, is king of the thunder lizards. Seven tons of muscle and teeth searches for prey. Mom sees Calvin hunched over with teeth bared. She tells him to stop stomping around. He's driving her crazy. Suddenly, Calvin bites Mom on the leg. As she chases him, Calvin asks how the fearsome tyrannosaurus became extinct. Now we know.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1988
What's all that water I hear? I'm coming in! Oh my gosh! ACKPBT! WHAT'S GOING ON?!? SPLUTB! BPLPTH! There! I got the water off. ALL RIGHT, CALVIN, WHERE ARE YOU?! H-hi, Dad. It's the end of the world, Calvin.
Dad hears the water, and he comes into the bathroom. He walks into the spraying water. He sputters about what's going on. He shuts the water off and looks for Calvin, who's hiding behind the shower curtain. Dad tells Calvin it's the end of the world.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1988
Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing, Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss, when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is, Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen, and sure enough, he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens, Dad! Big, evil, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it, and made me swear not to tell!
Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1988
Boy, Dad sure blew his stack THAT time, didn't he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM, you'd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dad's got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does, I sure wish you'd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh, now YOU'RE going to start on me TOO, huh?
Calvin and Hobbes are walking outside. Calvin complains that Dad blew his stack and calls Dad a sorehead. Calvin rants that Dad acts like nobody ever needed to call a plumber before. He says Dad has a job and can afford it. He says Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. Hobbes wishes that when Dad does, that Calvin would quit trying to pin his crimes on Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him, too.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1988
WAP Is this yours? No. What is it? For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.
Susie is just missed by a suction dart arrow. She hands it back to Calvin, dressed in an Indian costume holding a bow. She asks if the arrow is his. He says no, and asks what it is. Susie sticks the arrow onto his nose and knocks him down. On his back, Calvin says that for a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1988
No text.
Calvin has a bat on his shoulder and flips a baseball into the air. He swings and misses, as the ball falls to the ground. Calvin storms off dragging his bat on the ground behind him. He comes back with a golf club and prepares to hit the ball lying on the ground.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1988
Give me some cookies, or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do, stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heaven't sake, don't waste food, Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog, or did your Mom take it?
Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1988
I brought a scary story out, so we're all set. What's it called? "The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you." Gosh, this is the creepiest story I've ever heard! Don't stop. Keep reading. "Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight, it ..." What was that noise? Oh, stop it. This is scary enough. No, really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! It's the bog monster! Oh, no!! Oh, no!! Quick, turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK It's coming this way! We're doomed! It's getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh, my gosh, its... it's opening the tent flap! It's coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run, Hobbes, RUN! What are you doing in here?! Where's your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster must've got him! WHERE'S THAT KID?!
Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1988
Everything floats randomly in the romm! There's no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle, aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum, turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. C'mon, you! Outside! You're really bouncing off the walls today. Aw, Mom!
Calvin floats around the room. There is no gravity. Calvin pushes off the ceiling and aims for the hallway. He glides with unchecked momentum. He turns himself so he can push off the next stationary surface. Mom scoots Calvin outside. She says he's really bouncing off the walls today.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1988
Extra pants... Three shirts, two seaters, two sweatshirts... Another pair of pants... Still trying to learn to ride that bicycle, eh? I don't need any comments from you.
Calvin puts on extra pants, three shirts, two sweaters, two sweatshirts, and another pair of pants. He waddles toward the door. Hobbes asks if he's still trying to learn to ride his bicycle. Calvin says he doesn't need any comments from Hobbes.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1988
A shadow falls over the large city skyscrapers! It's a gigantic ant! With one footstep, it pulverizes the entire downtown! Millions die instantly! The ant brushes the city off the map! People flood the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the horrible wreckage! Well... maybe I won't...
A shadow falls over the city's skyscrapers. It's a gigantic ant. One step pulverizes downtown. Millions die instantly. The ant brushes the city off the map. People flood to the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the wreckage. Calvin has his foot above an ant hill, ready to smash it. He decides maybe he won't.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1988
What are you doing, Susie? Drawing on the sidewalk. Wow! Can I too? Sure. Here's some chalk. Gosh, I've never been a vandal before! This isn't vandalism. It washes right off!
Calvin asks Susie what she's doing. She's drawing on the sidewalk. Calvin asks if he can join in. Susie hands him some chalk. Calvin starts drawing. He says he's never been a vandal before. Susie tells him this isn't vandalism. The chalk washes right off. Calvin flips the chalk down and walks off.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1988
OK, I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See, here it comes. Boy, that's a good one! Why can't my school portraits ever look like this?
Calvin feels one coming. He tells Hobbes to get ready. As he sneezes, Hobbes shoots the picture. Calvin asks if he got it. Hobbes shows him the picture. Calvin has his mouth open, sneezing. Calvin wonders why his school pictures can't look like that.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1988
Don't come in here! Why not? I'm roasting. You'll get hair in the water. Go do something else. HEY! Stop that! HEY! HEY! You think you've won, huh? Well, I'm not even going to TELL you what I did. ACKPTH!
Calvin is in the toy pool. He tells Hobbes not to get in. Hobbes is roasting. Calvin tells him he'll get hair in the water. Hobbes deliberately rubs some hair into the pool. Calvin yells for him to stop that. Calvin gets out of the pool. Hobbes climbs in. With an evil look on his face, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks he won. He says he's not even going to tell Hobbes what he did in the pool. Hobbes gets a horrified look.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1988
Well, summer is almost over, it sure went quick, didn't it? Yep. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill. Hobbes says summer is almost over, and it went by quickly. Calvin says there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1988
TRIP BAP WHACK BAP
Calvin trips over a rock and falls face first to the ground. He gets up angrily, and he kicks the rock. He starts to walk off. The rock hits something and bounces back, hitting Calvin in the head, knocking him face first to the ground.
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30 AUG 1988
I'm hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isn't until tomorrow. My tummy's growling. Hush. Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise.
Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Hobbes is hungry. Calvin tells him breakfast isn't until tomorrow. Hobbes' stomach is growling. Calvin tells him to be quiet. Hobbes reminds him most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Calvin's eyes open. In the kitchen, he's making Hobbes a sandwich. He says sometimes he wishes he had a dog. Hobbes tells him more tuna and less mayonnaise.
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31 AUG 1988
Oh, no! There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store! The dinosaur heads for the meat department and devours the butcher! Shoppers everywhere flee for their lives! It's mayhem, destruction and carnage, in the aisles! Oh, no! Calvin, can't I take you ANYWHERE?! Now the tyrannosaurus wants cookies!
There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store. It heads for the meat department and devours the butcher. Shoppers flee for their lives. It's mayhem, destruction, and carnage in the aisles. Mom sees Calvin has knocked cans off the grocery shelves. She asks if she can't take him anywhere. Calvin, arms out and teeth bared, now wants cookies.
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01 SEPT 1988
Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices until his orbit takes him directly between the sun and earth. Calvin causes a total solar eclipse! Earch is shrouded in darknes. How long will Calvin stay there? Could you move, please? You're in my light. HA HA HAAA!
Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices him until his orbit takes him between the sun and the earth. He causes a solar eclipse. The earth is in darkness. How long will Calvin stay there? Mom is trying to read a book, and Calvin is standing on the back of the sofa blocking light from the lamp.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1988
Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You can't be elected Dad without a MOM, right? Are you going to keep the Mom I've had, or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime, Calvin. Of course I'll stick with your Mom. Aww.
Calvin reminds Dad Election Day is coming and asks if he's chosen a running mate. Dad asks what he means. Calvin informs him you can't be elected Dad without a Mom. Calvin asks if he's going to keep the Mom Calvin's had or get a new running mate. Dad smiles and thinks. Mom comes up and makes a fist. Dad says of course he'll stick with Calvin's Mom.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1988
I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "chocolate frosted sugar bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse, I'm so overstimulated I can't sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience, huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness.
Calvin tells Hobbes that rituals are important. He says his favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. He says after a few hours, he's so overstimulated he can't sit still or think straight. Hobbes says it's like a transcendental experience. Calvin says he achieves a lower consciousness.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1988
Can I have a different plate, Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet, OK, Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh, knock it off, Calvin, it's hamburger casserole. There's not a thing in there you don't like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasn't so bad, for some reason. I was able to choke it down, anyway. My stomach is still cramping up, but the pains aren't as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it, I can stand it. Good I'm glad this is such a hit.
Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.
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05 SEPT 1988
All right, all right! I'm GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look, I'm going! I'm going! Sure, you think school's great NOW. But in a couple of hourse you'll MISS me! You'll see!
From inside the house, we hear "All right, I'm going". Then, "I can walk myself. OK, I'm going". Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him.
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06 SEPT 1988
There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well, he'll have fun once he gets there. See, he's even running now. He's all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE!
Mom looks out the window. She's in her robe, holding a cup of coffee. She is thinking that Calvin put up a fuss. She thinks he'll have fun as soon as he gets there. She sees Calvin running and thinks he's getting excited. Then she realizes, and she opens the door and yells. Calvin is running away from the bus stop. She yells for him to get back there.
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07 SEPT 1988
I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
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08 SEPT 1988
I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... It's going to be a long year.
Calvin has his hand over his heart reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. He pledges allegiance to "Queen Fragg...and her mighty state of Hysteria". Miss Wormwood drags him down the hall to the principal's office. Calvin says it's going to be a long year.
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09 SEPT 1988
Hey, Calvin, you're on my swing. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, Moe. Oh no? Nope. You're so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet.
Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and greater maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Moe punches Calvin off the swing. Calvin, crumpled on the ground, says those TV nature programs will be the death of him yet.
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10 SEPT 1988
Yes, Calvin? May I be excused, please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if he could be excused. He says he has to go, bad. Miss Wormwood lets him go. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin what he's doing home. Calvin tells her he had to go.
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11 SEPT 1988
So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub. OK, it's a deal. In fact, for another 25 cents, I'll take your Wednesday batch, too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum I'm washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now I'm washing my face! OK, you can come out now. That's long enough. Boy, that was easy. A few weeks of this and I'll be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. I'm not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! You're filty. Didn't you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. It's as good as spent.
Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates.
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12 SEPT 1988
Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain, toxic wastes, holes in the ozone, sewage in the oceans, and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's read the papers lately. He says grown-ups really have fouled the world up. Acid rain, toxic waste, holes in the ozone, sewage in the ocean, on and on. They walk a little further, and Calvin says the only bright side is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting for.
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13 SEPT 1988
You're packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes, we're outta here. It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! I'm LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know, sometimes you're a real load to have around. I was just ASKING!
Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him "Where to". Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around.
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14 SEPT 1988
How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earth's pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW, we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK, it's settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. I'll go get the wagon. We're going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadn't thought about that part. Obviously.
Hobbes suggests they could go to Mars to avoid Earth's pollution. Calvin figures if they go now, they can claim it and keep everyone else off it. Calvin goes off to get their wagon. Hobbes asks if they're going in the wagon. Calvin says of course, unless he wanted to flap his arms. Hobbes scratches his head and says he hadn't thought about that part. Calvin walks off saying "Obviously".
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15 SEPT 1988
So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.
Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.
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16 SEPT 1988
BLAST OFF! Do you really think we'll get enough lift to break Earth's gravity? Of course! You think I didn't plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what you'll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didn't you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME...
Calvin and Hobbes are going down the hill in their wagon. Hobbes asks if they'll get enough lift to break the earth's gravity. Calvin tells him yes, he's thought of everything. Hobbes asks what they'll eat on this trip. As the wagon flies off the ramp they built, Calvin tells Hobbes it was his job to pack food. Hobbes says he packed food for him.
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17 SEPT 1988
We did it! We cleared Earth's orbit! Mars, here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didn't bring the map?!
Calvin and Hobbes are in the wagon in space. Calvin says they cleared Earth's orbit. Calvin yells "Mars, here we come". Hobbes asks if he's sure this is the way. Calvin asks if he didn't bring the map.
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18 SEPT 1988
Call it. Tails. OK, best two out of three. OOOMPH Let's change this to TOUCH football, OK?
Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football.
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19 SEPT 1988
Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space, you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely we're all part of some great design, no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose, a reason for being. Doesn't it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what it's like to walk home.
Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home.
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20 SEPT 1988
Hang on! We're coming in through Mars' atmosphere. BONK BONK We've landed! We're the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still can't believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didn't want to turn around.
They are coming in through Mars' atmosphere. The wagon comes to a landing on the surface. Calvin says they're the first ones to land on another planet. What a historic moment! Calvin tells Hobbes he still can't believe Hobbes forgot the camera. Hobbes crosses his arms and says he did remember the camera. Calvin just didn't want to turn around.
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21 SEPT 1988
See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey, look! It's the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed here in the '70s. Gosh, I wonder if it's still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! I've always wanted to do something like that.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA.
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22 SEPT 1988
Well, this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like we're all set. What's this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy, you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet.
Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet.
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23 SEPT 1988
Yep, Mars may be a little dull, but it's better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH We've got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget, natural beauty as far as the eye can see. That's not your candy bar wrapper over there, is it? It was just there a minute! I wasn't going to leave it.
As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if that's Calvin's candy wrapper on the ground. Calvin hastily says it was only there a minute, and he wasn't going to leave it.
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24 SEPT 1988
I don't know about you, but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. It's very peaceful. Not only that, but we don't have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners, no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!!
Calvin and Hobbes both like it on Mars. It's very peaceful. Calvin also adds that Mom isn't there to boss them around. No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners. Hobbes looks quickly at the ground. He asks Calvin if that rock just moved. They hold onto each other and yell for Mom.
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25 SEPT 1988
You know what would make this house a lot better? No, what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. I'll file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! That's me. (Oof), the human slinky.
Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky.
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26 SEPT 1988
Oh my gosh, that rock moved! There's something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! It's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster! You're right! There's a tentacle now! It's coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH
Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks.
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27 SEPT 1988
Is the Martian still out there? I'll take a peek. I don't see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think he's scared of us? Why not? WE'RE scared of HIM. Yeah, but WE'RE just ordinary earthlings, not weirdos from another planet, like HE is.
Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a rock. Calvin wonders if the Martian is still out there. Hobbes takes a look. He doesn't see him, so he tells Calvin he must be hiding. Calvin whispers to Hobbes asking if he thinks the Martian is scared of them. Hobbes tells him why not, they're afraid of him. Calvin says they're just ordinary Earthlings, not weirdos from another planet like he is.
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28 SEPT 1988
Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings. Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean, is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained.
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29 SEPT 1988
I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah, we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other people's planets. After all, there's only one Earth, and it's got to last us a while. We also should go home because we're clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didn't rent out my room.
Hobbes thinks they should go home to earth. Calvin agrees, thinking they may not be welcome there. He thinks they should fix up their own planet before messing around with other people's planets. As they start down a hill, Calvin says there's only one earth, and it has to last them a while. Hobbes adds they should also go home because they're out of tuna. Calvin hopes Mom and Dad haven't rented out his room.
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30 SEPT 1988
There's Earth. We're almost home. Look, you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas, we live in a big, purple country. And our house is by the giant letter "E" in the word "States".
As they ride in the wagon through space, they approach earth. Calvin says you can see the continents. He says if he remembers his atlas, they live in a big, purple country. Hobbes adds their house is by the giant "E" in the word "States".
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01 OCT 1988
Hi, Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well, well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted, but we discovered that Mars is inhabited, so we came back home. You didn't like the Martians? No, they didn't like US. I think they were afraid we'd junk up Mars the way we've junked up Earth. What's my good briefcase doing out, and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it, Dad? We go clear to Mars, and dumb ol' Hobbes forgets the camera!
Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera.
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02 OCT 1988
Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dad's camera! Once there, he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter, Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck, Calvin's Dad will have the film developed soon, and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I don't remember taking these. Who's that little speck in the distance all the time? You haven't been fooling with my camera, have you? ME? Heck, no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed.
Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed.
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03 OCT 1988
For show and tell, I have brought a space alien I captured in my back yard. Yes, for the last two days I've been keeping it in this special zarnium-coated bag, and feeding it pure ammonia! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! AARGH How'd it work? My teacher says Mom and Dad both have to sign my report cards this year.
Calvin brings in the space alien he caught in his back yard to show and tell. He tells the class that for two days, he's kept it in a special zarnium-coated bag, feeding it pure ammonia. He opens the bag, and he has a hand puppet on. He makes a growling sound. Later, Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin tells him the teacher said both Mom and Dad have to sign his report cards this year.
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04 OCT 1988
SCOOTCH SCOOTCH GREETINGS. I AM X-387 ROBOT PROBE SENT FROM JUPITER. Mm hmm. MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS. No, you'll spoil your appetite. MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE. Go back to Jupiter, X-3 whatever.
Calvin scootches across the floor inside a box turned upside down. He moves over to Mom, sitting with a cup of coffee. In a robotic voice, he says he's a robot probe sent from Jupiter. He says his sensors detect trace amounts of chocolate in the pantry. He requests some to be loaded into his scoop for analysis. Mom refuses, saying it will ruin his appetite. Calvin says his mission must not fail. He tells the pitiful earth female to prepare for annihilation. He holds a rubber dart gun out. Mom tells him to go back to Jupiter.
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05 OCT 1988
You know, when you think about it, our lives are pretty nice. A lot of kids don't have as good of a home life as we do. We really can't complain. ... which isn't to say we should go home yet. When do you think they'll see the car windshield?
Calvin tells Hobbes their lives are pretty nice. He says a lot of kids don't have as good a home life as they do. They really can't complain. They keep walking over rocks and fallen trees. Calvin adds that isn't to say they should go home yet. Hobbes asks when he thinks they'll see the car windshield.
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06 OCT 1988
Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch. No! Go sit by someone else, OK? You always say your lunch is something revolting, and I don't want to hear it! Gee whiz, what's wrong with you? My lunch is peanut butter. What's so disgusting about that?! Hmph. I'm glad that one day out of the year you can be civil. It's my DESSERT that's gross! Look, a thermos full of phlegm!
Calvin asks Susie to guess what he brought for lunch. Susie wants no part of it. She tells him to sit somewhere else. He always says lunch is something revolting. Calvin is indignant. He asks what's so disgusting about peanut butter. He shows her the sandwich. Susie says she's glad that one day out of the year, he can be civil. Calvin tells her it's his dessert that's disgusting, a thermos full of phlegm.
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07 OCT 1988
Calvin, will you run and get my purse, please? I need the calculator. Sure. Here you are. Thanks. Ahem. I'M NOT GOING TO TIP YOU!! Huh! See if I ever fetch anything again.
Mom asks Calvin to get her purse. She needs her calculator. Calvin goes to get the purse. He hands it to her, and Mom thanks him. He stands there and clears his throat with his hand out. Mom says she isn't going to tip him. Calvin walks off saying he won't fetch anything again.
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08 OCT 1988
Election day is coming up, Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. I'm against them all. How's your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.
Calvin tells Dad Election Day is coming. People want to know where he stands on the issues. Dad asks which issues. Calvin informs him later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. Dad says he's against them all. Calvin asks if Dad's IRA is well-funded.
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09 OCT 1988
My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck, they'd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I don't see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are, but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think it's more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well, THAT goes without saying.
In the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he hates everybody. He can't see how anyone could fall in love, because people are jerks. Hobbes says that sometimes they are, but look at the colors of the trees today. Calvin looks around and says so what. Hobbes thinks it's more fun to see something like this with someone than by yourself. They look at each other. They walk off across a fallen tree. Calvin says he guesses, but he'd rather see this with a tiger than a person.
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10 OCT 1988
MOMMMM What's the matter, Calvin? I don't feel good. What hurts? My stomach. I want Mom. ME? What's wrong with YOU, for crying out loud?!? You can ask him. Now let me get back under the covers.
In bed at night, Calvin calls for Mom. Dad comes in and asks what's wrong. Calvin doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts, and he wants Mom. Dad crawls back in bed, to find Mom curled up with the covers. She asks why her. What's wrong with him, for crying out loud? Dad tells Mom she can ask Calvin. Then he tells her to let him back under the covers.
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11 OCT 1988
Sheesh, it's two in the morning. Why do kids always have to feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If he's going to get me up at this hour, he'd better REALLY be sick. BARRRFF I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Honey, pipe down. I'm trying to sleep.
Mom groggily looks at the clock. She wonders why kids always feel sick at two in the morning. She sits on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. She says Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. She says if he's going to get her up at that hour, he'd better really be sick. Mom opens her eyes wide when she hears Calvin barf in his room. She puts her arms out and shouts that she didn't mean it. Dad rolls over and tells her to pipe down, he's trying to sleep.
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12 OCT 1988
It's been 20 minutes since you've been sick, so let's take your temparature. Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin. What'd you say, honey? IG GOMFA FOME UBHIGGIN. AACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Give me the thermometer! Run! Run!
Mom tells Calvin it's been twenty minutes since he was sick, so she takes his temperature. While Mom is waiting, she yawns. With thermometer in mouth, Calvin says "Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin". Mom glances at her watch and asks what he said. Calvin repeats it. She turns around and asks why he didn't say so. She asks for the thermometer and says "Run".
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13 OCT 1988
I think the worst of this is over, so just try to get some sleep. I'm going back to bed, but give me a call, if you feel sick again, OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way!
Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.
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14 OCT 1988
It's scary being sick... especially at night. What if something is REALLY wrong with me, and I have to go to the hospital?? What if they stick me full of tubes and hoses? What if they have to operate? What if the operation fails? What if this is my... my... last night... ALIVE?? Then I can look forward to having the bed to myself tomorrow. Few things are less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.
Calvin says it's scary being sick at night. He wonders what if something is really wrong with him, and they have to take him to the hospital. He gets more worried about having tubes and hoses stuck in him, having an operation, and it being the last night of his life. Hobbes, being kept awake by all this, says he could then look forward to having the bed to himself tomorrow. Calvin says there are few things less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.
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15 OCT 1988
Feel any better this morning, Calvin? No. I guess I'd better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. It's Saturday, by the way. You won't miss school. I know.
The next morning, Mom asks Calvin if he feels better. With eyes nearly closed, he says no. She tells him she better make an appointment with the doctor. He says OK. Mom reminds him it's Saturday, so he won't miss school. He wearily says he knows. Now Mom knows it's for real. She runs to the telephone.
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16 OCT 1988
The valiant Spaceman Spiff, energetic inter-galactic explorer, comes in over the mountains of a strange planet! Our hero desperately hopes to find a rest area with working facilities. Spaceman Spiff lands on the distant planet Zokk. Climbing down from his spacevraft, our hero prepares to explore te surface! Unexpectedy, Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky! Spiff quickly realizes that Planet Zokk has only a fraction of Earth's gravity. With practice, our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.
Spaceman Spiff lands on the planet Zokk. He prepares to explore the surface. Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky. Spiff realizes Zokk has only a fraction of earth's gravity. With practice, our hero finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Dad opens the bedroom door and yells to Calvin to quit bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.
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17 OCT 1988
Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
Calvin slowly puts his shirt back on. The doctor tells Mom that Calvin just caught the bug that's going around. He tells her to keep an eye on Calvin and let him know if Calvin isn't feeling better soon. Calvin sleepily walks away. The doctor tells him he was a good patient today. He then tells Mom there's nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Mom says she'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
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18 OCT 1988
I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesn't bring ME tea in bed.
Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.
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19 OCT 1988
I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow you're going to school.
Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.
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20 OCT 1988
I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that don't really matter? Like the book report you're supposed to be writing now on the book you haven't read? Exactly. Case in point.
Calvin thinks people worry too much about little things. He says all they do is make themselves unhappy that way. He asks Hobbes why get an ulcer over things that don't matter. Hobbes asks if he means things like the book report he's supposed to be writing now on the book he hasn't read. Calvin tells him "Exactly. Case in point".
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21 OCT 1988
Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I don't even want to go? I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Calvin is standing at the bus stop in his rain coat. It's pouring rain. He asks why he's standing in the rain, waiting for a bus to take him to a place he doesn't want to go. The rain keeps falling. Calvin says he goes to school, but he never learns what he wants to know.
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22 OCT 1988
I hate school. Each day I count the hours until school's over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over, and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school?
Calvin tells Dad he hates school. He goes on to say he counts the hours until school's over, he counts the days until the weekend, he counts the weeks until the month is over, then counts the months until summer. He always has to postpone what he wants to do for what he has to do. Dad rolls his eyes and welcomes Calvin to the world. Calvin then asks if Dad will sign a parental excuse to get him out of the next 11 1/2 years of school.
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23 OCT 1988
I feel a big sneeze welling up. ... which is always a sure sign that I'm not carrying a handkerchief. Ah... Ah... Ah... CHOOOOO!! Mom, I sneezed and blew my head off! Pull your shirt down, Calvin. You're not fooling anyone. Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.
Calvin sneezes, and his head blows off. He walks, headless, into the other room. He tells Mom he sneezed and blew his head off. Mom pulls his shirt down and tells him he's not fooling anyone. Calvin says Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.
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24 OCT 1988
Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof
Calvin is having trouble blowing up a balloon. He puffs into the balloon a few times. Suddenly, the air comes back from the balloon into Calvin's head. It puffs up several sizes too large. Calvin gives up and tosses the balloon over his shoulder.
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25 OCT 1988
Hey, Susie, did you have any trouble with our math homework last night? No, why? I thought a couple of these were tricky. Can I check my answers with yours? OK. Thanks. What did you get for questions one? Seven. Seven? Good, that's what I got. What did you get for question two? DROP DEAD, CALVIN.
Calvin asks Susie if she had any trouble with the math homework last night. Susie says she didn't. He thought a couple answers were tricky. He asks if he can check his answers with her. Susie agrees. Calvin asks what she got for question one. Susie tells him. He says that's what he got as he writes down the answer. He asks what Susie got for question two. Susie tells him to drop dead.
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26 OCT 1988
Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. He's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's RUNNING. And if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesn't let anything stop him. I just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he has ever sat and watched ants. Calvin points out one ant and says it's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's running. He tells Hobbes if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He says the ant doesn't let anything stop him. Calvin tells Hobbes he just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.
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27 OCT 1988
Just think, Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago, the first bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and finally a million years ago, man. Now in 1988, there's me. ... the acme of evolution. Oh, PLEASE.
Calvin tells Hobbes the earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago. He says 3 billion years ago, bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, mammals, and a million years ago, man. Then he says that in 1988, there's Calvin. He calls it "The Acme of Evolution".
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28 OCT 1988
It's not quite the same, is it? And it probably won't snow for another month at least.
Calvin and Hobbes rake up a pile of leaves. They run off, and come back with a carrot and a hat. They put them on the leaf pile, trying to make it look like a snow man. Hobbes says it's not quite the same. Calvin says it probably won't snow for at least another month.
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29 OCT 1988
Z Z GRRR Z GROWLL RRR! Psst! Hey! Wake up! You're dreaming! Grrrr... And Mom wonders why I never look rested in the morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping. Hobbes suddenly starts growling and roaring in his sleep. Calvin tries to wake Hobbes up, to no avail. He has a worried look on his face. He decides to sleep on the floor. As he lies there, he says Mom wonders why he never looks rested in the morning.
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30 OCT 1988
So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub
Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter to take a bath for him. Hobbes sits in the tub, while Calvin talks about washing his arms, dropping the soap, and washing his face. Hobbes offers to take his Wednesday bath for him, too. Calvin hands Hobbes a towel. Hobbes figures a few weeks of this, and he'll be rich. Hobbes dries himself with the blow dryer. They lie in bed when Mom comes to give Calvin a good night kiss. Calvin whispers for Hobbes to keep a straight face. BLEECH! Calvin is filthy. Calvin hands her the wet towel and asks if she didn't hear him take his bath. Back into the tub he goes. He wants his quarter back, but Hobbes says it's as good as spent.
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31 OCT 1988
Look! A buckeye! Isn't it pretty? Look how perfect it is. I'm going to keep this one. What will you do with it? Try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.
Calvin finds a buckeye on the ground. He tells Hobbes how pretty and perfect it is. He says he's going to keep it. Hobbes asks what he'll do with it. Calvin tells him he'll try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.
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01 NOV 1988
What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside, so I'm digging a hole to China. If Dad's going to be such a grouch, I figure I'll just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too, if you want. There's another shovel in the garage. You don't think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh, you know Dad. He'll get mad no matter WHERE we dig.
Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. Calvin is digging a hole to China. Calvin says if Dad is going to be a grouch, he'll just go live on the other side of the planet. Calvin tells Hobbes he can come along, too. There's another shovel in the garage. Hobbes wonders if Dad will get mad with them digging up the driveway. Calvin says Dad will get mad no matter where they dig.
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02 NOV 1988
Look what Mom made me! A super hero outfit. Don't I look cool? Now I can fight crime without anyone knowing my true identity! Yep, I'm all set now! ... So! Seen any crimes? Why do you care that nobody knows your identity?
Calvin shows off the super hero outfit Mom made for him. It has a mask and cape. He says he can fight crime without anyone knowing his true identity. He asks Hobbes if he's seen any crimes. Hobbes wants to know why he cares that nobody knows his identity.
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03 NOV 1988
Calvin, take off your outfit before you sit at the table, OK? Calvin? Who's Calvin? I'm Stupendous Man! Stop being silly. And do as I asked you. But Mom, I NEED to wear this for dinner! No you don't. Let's go. But Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel!
Mom tells Calvin to take off his outfit at the dinner table. Calvin says he's Stupendous Man. Mom tells him to stop being silly and do what she asked. Calvin says he needs to wear his costume for dinner. Mom says he won't. Calvin says Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel.
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04 NOV 1988
Mom said I can't go outside until I finish my homework. If you'll help me, I'll be faster. What's five plus seven? I don't know. I don't either. Then write, "I don't know." Hey, that's a true answer, isn't it! I can write that for ALL of these! We're done! We'd better have a look at our prodigy's homework.
Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.
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05 NOV 1988
Want to go play outside? No. I'm watching TV. You hate this show. Let's go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So you're going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.
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06 NOV 1988
Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1,500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon, the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise, his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvin's elementary school! ... sigh...
Calvin pilots his F-15. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile, the jet shrieks over the ground. The target comes into view, and Calvin fires. Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy. Mission accomplished! Calvin's school is reduced to a smoldering crater. Calvin gets off the school bus, heads toward the school, and sighs.
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07 NOV 1988
Well Dad, we're right down to the wire, and the polls say you won't be Dad here much longer. It seems you're just not likeable enough. Those polled continue to find you a cold fish. If you want some advice, I suggest you do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Go to bed. No, no! It's WAY too late to learn how to tell jokes.
Calvin informs Dad that the polls indicate he won't be Dad much longer. He says Dad just isn't likeable enough. Those polled continue to find Dad a cold fish. Calvin suggests Dad do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin slaps his forehead and says it's too late for Dad to learn to tell jokes.
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08 NOV 1988
Ten... Fifteen... Six... Twenty-two... HIKE! YAAAA AUGH! Another five yeard loss! We've got to get some other players.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls the signals. Hobbes snaps the ball. Hobbes immediately turns around, jumps up, and tackles Calvin. Hobbes says there is another five yard loss. Calvin says they've got to get some other players.
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09 NOV 1988
Boy, you're lucky YOU don't have to go to school like I do. You don't know what it's like to get up on these cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh, am I keeping you awake?! I'm SORRY!
Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.
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10 NOV 1988
Hey! This (mmf) isn't (ooch) how you play the game! You still haven't tackled me!
Calvin is trying to catch Hobbes, who has the football. Hobbes keeps running, with Calvin in close pursuit. Hobbes goes into the house and crawls under the chair. Calvin, caught under the chair, complains this isn't how the game is played. Hobbes tells him he still hasn't tackled him.
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11 NOV 1988
Off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said, "Off". I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to forget it, he just got on. Calvin says Moe will have to wait his turn like everyone else. Moe pulls him off and cocks his fist. Calvin, lying in a cloud of dust, says he keeps forgetting rules are only for little nice people.
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12 NOV 1988
HIKE! Whoops! Heh heh... I'm losing the game, but winning an ambulatory adulthood.
Calvin is ready to snap himself the football. Hobbes is crouched on the other side of the ball ready to pounce. Calvin snaps the ball and Hobbes prepares to jump. Calvin flips the football to the ground for a fumble, where Hobbes pounces upon it and runs for a score. Calvin says he's losing the game, but he's winning an ambulatory adulthood.
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13 NOV 1988
RINGGG What a day. KAPOW You think that's funny? Come back here and fight, you weasel! What happened to YOU?? Don't ask. I'm going upstairs to change. NOT AGAAINN! Where's Calvin? I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores, asking if they'd buy his tiger.
Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.
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14 NOV 1988
Hey, Susie, can I borrow your black crayon? OK, but don't break it. And don't peel the paper off, and color with all sides of it so it stays pointy. Geez, why don't you take out an insurance policy on it? Just don't ruin my crayon. What are you drawing anyway? Black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Give me my crayon back.
Calvin asks if he can borrow Susie's black crayon. She hands it to him, but tells him not to break it, don't peel the paper off, and to color with both sides so it stays pointy. Calvin asks why she just doesn't take out an insurance policy on it. She tells him not to ruin the crayon. She asks what he's drawing. Calvin tells her black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Susie demands her crayon back.
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15 NOV 1988
Hey! What's this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See, there's rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didn't put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well, he's EATING it now, right? Gosh, wait 'til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner!
Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.
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16 NOV 1988
Uh oh. HOOP EEP! I've got the hiccups something terrible, Mom. Drink some water.
Calvin stops and says "Uh oh". HOOP! His head stretches vertically. EEP! His head stretches horizontally. He tells Mom he has the hiccups something terrible.
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17 NOV 1988
BANG! I gotcha! ARGG! GAACKK UGHH! Here. What's this? It's your death rattle!
Calvin and Hobbes are dressed in cowboy hats. Hobbes shoots Calvin with his finger. Calvin grabs his chest and falls backward. Hobbes hands him something. Calvin asks what it is as he shakes it. Hobbes tells him it's his death rattle.
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18 NOV 1988
It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you're a girl, what would make you go on living? The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when you're 17. Ha! Not ME! Gross!
Calvin tells Susie it must be awful to be a girl. He goes on to say it must be frustrating to know men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Calvin asks if you were a girl, what would make you go on living. Susie replies the thought of jerks like him begging one of them for a date when they're 17.
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19 NOV 1988
The tyrannosaurus stalks the cretaceous shores. The 5-ton carnovorous lizard can run faster than a charging rhino! What could be more horrifying? STOP THAT CLOMPING AROUND!! ... besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom...
The tyrannosaurus stalks the ground. The five-ton carnivorous lizard can run faster than a rhino. What could be more horrifying? The dinosaur hears "Stop that clomping around". Calvin, hunched over with teeth bared, says "besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom".
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20 NOV 1988
I've never liked crayons very much. They just don't have any flavor at all. For an art project, I'm supposed to draw my pet, but since I don't have one, I'll draw you. OK! Look ferocious. How's this? That's great. Hold still, now. Hmm... mm... ARRGH! This isn't coming out good at all! I can't draw tigers! I hate this class! Here, let me try. The good things about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. Hey, that's pretty good. Put some human heads around him, as if he just ate a village. How's that? Boy, this is great! I'll have the best picture in the whole class! I can't wait to show everyone! Wow! Thanks, Hobbes! But I'm NOT lying! My TIGER drew it! Do you think I could draw something that good MYSELF?? Yes...
Calvin has an art project. He supposed to draw his pet. Since he doesn't have one, he's going to draw Hobbes. He has Hobbes look ferocious. Calvin has trouble drawing the picture. He gets angry and crumples the paper. He says he hates his class. Hobbes asks to try. Hobbes says drawing tigers automatically makes your picture fine art. Calvin likes the picture Hobbes is drawing. He adds a couple heads next to the tiger to look as if he ate a village. Calvin thinks that's great and that he'll have the best picture in the class. Calvin is explaining to the principal that Hobbes drew the picture, not him. He asks if the principal thinks he could draw anything that good himself.
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21 NOV 1988
When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
Calvin is writing an assignment. He writes that he wants to be an inventor. He writes that he'll build a time machine, and go to yesterday. Then, he'll take himself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
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22 NOV 1988
MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.
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23 NOV 1988
Boy, I'm in a bad mood today! Everyone had better steer clear of me! I hate EVERYBODY! As far as I'm concerned, everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum. WELL-L-L? DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO CHEER ME UP?!?
Calvin walks along with a frown on his face. He says he's in a bad mood today. Everyone should steer clear of him. He goes on to say he hates everybody. He says everyone can drop dead, for all he cares. People are scum. He crosses his arms and keeps the scowl on his face. Then he asks if someone doesn't want to cheer him up.
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24 NOV 1988
Get out of my way! I'm in a bad mood. I'll bet a pet dog would've gotten out of my way.
Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the ground. Calvin says he's in a bad mood. He tells Hobbes to get out of his way. Hobbes sits up and holds his paw out. Calvin is puzzled. He's startled as Hobbes pops his claws out. Calvin turns around to walk away. He grumbles that a pet dog would have gotten out of his way.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1988
Watch out, Mom. I'm in a bad mood. Be in a bad mood somewhere else, OK? I'm busy. Hmph! I'll bet my biological mother would've bought me a comic booka nd made me feel better instead of shunning me like YOU. Kid, anyone BUT your biological mother would've left you to the wolves long ago. Yeah, right. Really, how much did you pay for me?
Calvin warns Mom he's in a bad mood. Mom, working in the kitchen, tells Calvin to be in a bad mood elsewhere. She's busy. Calvin looks back over his shoulder and says his biological mother would have bought him a comic book and made him feel better instead of shunning him like she did. Mom crouches down to tell Calvin anyone but your biological mother would have left him to the wolves long ago. Calvin doesn't believe her and asks how much she paid for him.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1988
Waht's your tail for? My tail? Yeah, why do tigers need tails? Gee, I'm not really sure. I guess just because they look good. So it's sort of a necktie for your butt? Let's not be vulgar. You're just jealous.
Calvin asks Hobbes what his tail is for. Hobbes isn't really sure. He guesses it's because they look so good. Calvin asks if it's sort of a necktie for his butt. Hobbes accuses Calvin of being jealous.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1988
If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. On 'THREE,' ready? One... two... three! SNOW! I SAID SNOW! C'MON! SNOW! SNOW! OK, then, don't snow! See what I care! I LIKE this weather! Let's have it forever! PLEEAASE snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok, eight inches! That's all! C'mon! Six inches, even! How about just six?? I'M WAAIITING... RRRRGGHHH DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME AN ATHEIST?
Calvin looks to the heavens and yells for snow. He keeps yelling for it to snow. Then he says he doesn't care. He likes this weather and hopes it stays like that forever. He gets to his knees to beg for snow. He clutches his hands together in prayer. He just wants a foot, then eight inches, then he'd settle for six. He yells that he's waiting. He runs around in circles. Finally, he stops. He looks again to the heavens and asks "Do you want me to become an atheist".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1988
WHO MADE THIS MESS OUT HERE?! It wasn't ME, Mom, it was... uh... it was... it was a horrible little venusian who materialized in the kitchen! He took out some diabolical high-frequency device, pointed it at various objects, and... mothers are the necessity of invention.
Mom yells asking who made the mess. Calvin says it wasn't him, it was a horrible little Venusian who materialized in the kitchen. He continues explaining this creature had a diabolical high-frequency device and pointed it at various objects. Calvin sits on his bed saying "Mothers are the necessity of invention".
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1988
I'M HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do, step on a land mine? When's Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about?
Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.
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30 NOV 1988
Calvin, where are you? Get out here! Come on, Calvin, I'm getting tired of this. I MEAN it, Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later she's going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble.
Mom is looking for Calvin. She comes up the stairs asking where he is. She looks in a closet and says she's getting tired of this. She says she means it and wants him to come out for his bath. Calvin is outside his bedroom window sitting on the roof. He says sooner or later, Mom's going to have to question whether this is worth all the trouble.
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01 DEC 1988
I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. C'mon, snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far.
Calvin is standing waiting for the bus. He looks up and says he wishes it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, wishing for snow. Something's coming down. Unfortunately for Calvin, it's rain. Calvin is now standing in the rain waiting for the bus. He says it was so close, yet so far.
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02 DEC 1988
You think God lets you plea bargain? I'd worry more about your Mom.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the middle of a totally demolished living room. Calvin is holding a bat, Hobbes a ball. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks God lets you plea bargain. Hobbes says he'd worry more about Mom.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1988
Hello? Hi, Dad! It's me, Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin, I'm at work! I don't have time to tell you a story now. I'm very busy! Get off the phone. I'm expecting important calls. OK, Dad. I'll just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with my own Dad who's always working. Right, right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1), the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2), and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story.
Calvin calls Dad at work to ask him to tell a story. Dad tells Calvin he's busy and doesn't have time to read a story. He says he's expecting several calls and to get off the phone. Calvin tells him he'll stay there growing at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with his Dad, who's always working. Dad starts reading a story about a hydraulic pump, the wheel shaft flange, and the evil patent infringement. Calvin says he wants a good story.
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Weirdos from Another Planet!The Authoritative Calvin and HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1988
Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky, striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes, it's STUPENDOUS MAN, champion of liberty, defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only STUPENDOUS MAN can save the day! Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis, MOM-LADY! Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!? Oh, no! Stupendous Man's stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished! This would have been plenty humiliating WITHOUT the goodnight kiss. And take off that silly hood before you smother over in your sleep.
It's Stupendous Man, champion of liberty, defender of free will. Some fiend plans to establish a totalitarian system of rule. It's as he expected. It's his arch-enemy, Mom lady. Calvin has his hood and cape on, and Mom says she told him to go to bed. As Mom carries him up the stairs to bed, Calvin says Stupendous Man's powers are no match against his adversary. Stupendous Man is vanquished. After being placed in bed, Calvin wipes his cheek. He says this would have been plenty humiliating without the goodnight kiss. Mom tells him to take off the silly hood before he smothers in his sleep.
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05 DEC 1988
Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet, our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down, Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO!
Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school.
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06 DEC 1988
I don't understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There's no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending, I guess. Sure, but sooner or later it's going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?!
Calvin can't figure out how Santa runs his operation. He asks how Santa can give toys away. He asks Hobbes how Santa buys raw materials for the toys and how he pays the elves. There's no income to cover the costs. How does he do it? Hobbes suggests deficit spending. Calvin agrees, but wonders where he'll be when it all catches up to Santa.
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07 DEC 1988
Dear Santa, Hi, it's me, Calvin. This year I've been extra good, so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do.
Calvin is writing to Santa. He writes that this year he's been extra good. Hobbes, looking over Calvin's shoulder, starts laughing and holds his paws over his mouth. He turns away, continuing to fight the laughter. Calvin looks at him with squinted eyes and a frown. He suggests perhaps Hobbes needs a drink of water. Laughing, Hobbes agrees and leaves.
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08 DEC 1988
Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didn't forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. This says "Volume One". "Atom Bomb" through "Grenade Launcher". You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.
Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say "Volume One". Calvin tells her it's "atom bomb" through "grenade launcher". Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.
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09 DEC 1988
It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.
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10 DEC 1988
A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead, daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see!
A lone knight charges up the hill toward the giant cave at the top. The monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a fireball. The knight is fried to a crisp. The dragon circles overhead, daring other fools to come after him. Calvin is in bed with a nasty grin. Mom asks if he brushed his teeth. Calvin tells he to come and see.
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11 DEC 1988
Here we are at the top of "Dismemberment Gorge". Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good?
Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says he's been good all day so far. Hobbes asks if Christmas is getting near. Calvin wonders if it's truly being good if the only reason he behaves is to get more loot at Christmas. All he's doing is saying he can be bribed. He wonders if that's good enough, or does he need to be good in heart and spirit. As they crash into a tree and go flying, Calvin asks if he really has to be good or does he just have to act good. Hobbes, covered in snow, says in Calvin's case, Santa will have to take what he can get.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1988
I'm gonna pound you in gym class, shrimp. Get your kicks now, you glandular freak, because once you grow up you can't go beating people up for no reason. Yeah, I guess you're right. That really wasn't what I meant at all.
Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all.
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13 DEC 1988
What grade did you get? I got an "A". Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a "C". Why on earth would you rather get a "C" than an "A"?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
Calvin asks Susie what grade she got. She happily replies an "A". Calvin says he'd hate to be her. He got a "C". Susie asks why on earth would he rather get a "C" than an "A". Calvin tells her he finds his life is a lot easier the lower he keeps everyone's expectations.
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14 DEC 1988
Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dad's going to take your picture. Hold still. I don't WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. We're going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR...
Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.
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15 DEC 1988
Ready? OK, give me a nice smile. That's good. One... two... three! CLICK My hair's getting messed up, Dad!
Dad aims the camera. He asks Calvin for a nice smile. Dad starts the count. Calvin is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face. When the count reaches three, Calvin makes a weird face. CLICK! Dad chases Calvin. Calvin tells Dad that his hair is getting messed up.
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16 DEC 1988
I don't have much film left, so stop making faces when I take the picture, or your name's mud. You could've been done 20 minutes ago if you'd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED!
Calvin is sitting on the stool again. Dad tells him he doesn't have much film left. He tells him to quit making faces. He says he would have been done 20 minutes ago if Calvin had cooperated. He tells Calvin to give him a smile and hold it. Calvin partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. CLICK! Dad yells. Calvin claims that was a smile.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1988
We can't send these in our Christmas cards. People will think it's sacrilegeous. Well, these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair.
There are photos Mom and Dad are looking at. One looks like Calvin had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has his looking backward. Dad says they can't send those in the Christmas cards, people would think it's sacrilegious. Mom says the pictures do look like Calvin, except for the combed hair.
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18 DEC 1988
Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting, yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Now's my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! You'd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santa's gonna skip this block for years.
Calvin has a slushball. He sees Susie coming and says this is his chance. Susie sees him cocking his arm. She tells him he'd better not throw the slushball. Santa Claus is watching him right now. Calvin stops, and he thinks. Finally, he lets loose the slushball. WHAP! Calvin rejoices. He says it was worth it. He's not sorry. It was beautiful, and he'd do it again in a minute. He laughs. Suddenly, he sees Susie coming after him. He runs. Calvin, now buried in snow, says Santa's going to skip this block for years.
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19 DEC 1988
Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I don't know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.
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20 DEC 1988
I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? I have a better idea. C'mere. OK, step outside. Why? What's outside? In a few minutes, you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad!
Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him.
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21 DEC 1988
Read me "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else?
Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.
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22 DEC 1988
MOMM! MOM! What is it? What's the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didn't answer. She must not know. I'm telling you, it's true.
Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true.
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23 DEC 1988
I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.
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24 DEC 1988
How's my peanut butter sandwich coming? You're using chunky peanut butter, right? I won't eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Don't put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I don't like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles, so be sure to cut it right! Your majesty's sandwich. HEY, this is a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?!
Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says "Your majesty's sandwich". Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening.
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25 DEC 1988
I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think "Santa"would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever.
Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.
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26 DEC 1988
There's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window, that is.
Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, "through a window, that is".
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27 DEC 1988
I can't take bath in this! The water's BOILING! I'll scald myself! What are you trying to do, cook me alive?? Well, forget it! I'm not getting in! By the time you quit fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it, the water will be perfect. Boy, does she know me.
Calvin points to the full bathtub and says he can't take a bath in that. The water's boiling, and he'll scald himself. He asks Mom if she's trying to cook him alive. Mom opens the bathroom door and says by the time he quits fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming, takes off his clothes and gets in, the water will be fine. Calvin does and says his Mom really knows him.
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28 DEC 1988
Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK.
Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.
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29 DEC 1988
Boy, did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I don't even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didn't want to talk about it.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it.
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30 DEC 1988
Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak, aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government.
Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government.
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31 DEC 1988
Disgusting denizen of the deep, the giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sigh of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway! MISS WORMWOOD!
The giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sight of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway. Susie is covered with ink, raising her hand and calling for Miss Wormwood.
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01 JAN 1989
Well, it's a new year. And I'd say the first 10 hours haven't been up to snuff. Did you make any new year resolutions? You bet! I resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on, the world's gonna know exactly what I think of it! Yes, you've certainly been a model of self-restraint and understatement up until now. Well no more. And I've also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. If I see any, I'll tell them.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any New Year's resolutions. Calvin promises to quit hiding his feelings so much. He says from now on the world will know exactly what he thinks of it. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin has certainly been the model of self-restraint and understatement until now. They walk along for a while. Calvin thinks about it. He adds that he's also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. Hobbes tells him if he sees any, he'll tell them.
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02 JAN 1989
Shovel, shovel, shovel! Why can't we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! I'm freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character, HE saves a couple of hundred dollars.
Calvin is shoveling snow. He asks why they can't buy a snow blower. He says they must be the only family in the world that shovels the driveway by hand. He complains it's freezing. Dad opens the door and tells him to keep at it. It builds character. Calvin says it's pretty convenient that every time he builds character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars.
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03 JAN 1989
Next time we go down, I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah, well, I'm sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. "Every obstacle"?!? We missed the briar patch, didn't we?! By going down the gully and into the stream, yes. Oh, you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad we're alive.
Calvin and Hobbes are both covered with snow. Hobbes says the next time they go down the hill, he gets to steer. Calvin complains that Hobbes steers like an old lady. Hobbes replies that he's tired of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Calvin retorts that they missed the briar patch. Hobbes clarifies that they did by going down into the gully and into the stream. Calvin tells him he makes everything sound so terrible. He says Hobbes should be glad they're alive.
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04 JAN 1989
This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.
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05 JAN 1989
What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down, or to compromise? I suppose it's best to hold fast when you can, and compromise when you need to. That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the best way to get what you want. He asks if it's better to hold fast and not back down or to compromise. Hobbes answers it's best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Calvin says that's a lot more mature than he thinks he cares to be.
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06 JAN 1989
I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as I'M concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I can't go thinking about one subject on end. I'm a busy man. ...who's been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute.
Calvin and Hobbes are watching television. Calvin thinks the short attention span of television is great. As far as he's concerned, if something is so complicated you can't explain it in ten seconds, it's not worth knowing anyway. Calvin says his time is valuable. He can't go thinking about one subject for minutes on end. He's a busy man. Hobbes adds that he's been sitting there watching television for three hours.
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07 JAN 1989
There's something magical about having a fire. The crackles and snaps, the warm flickering light... everything always seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. And if you've got a hot tiger tummy to lie against, ... WELL!
Calvin is warming his hands by the fire. He says there's something magical about having a fire. He comments on the crackles and snaps, the warm, flickering light. He says everything seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. He sits back against Hobbes, who's sleeping on the floor. He says it's even better when you have a hot tiger tummy to lie against.
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08 JAN 1989
C'mon, we'd better go outside for a while. How come? Mom's getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK, the main fortress will be a wall five feet high, and go from here down over that hill, with turrets every 50 feet. Over here we'll build an inner wall, in case we have to retreat, and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesn't pack too well, does it? It's not wet enough. Gosh, it'll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. I'm cold. Me, too. Let's go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall, after the moat. Say, I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.
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09 JAN 1989
The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-Bomb! Calvin is bound to unleash the pure destructive force of a million A-Bombs! The world gasps in horror as he streaks towards his target! OH NO YOU DON'T!!
The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-bomb. Calvin is about to unleash the power of a million A-bombs. He streaks toward his target. Mom grabs Calvin by the shirt as he runs by. He has a bat in his hand. Mom says "Oh no you don't".
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10 JAN 1989
Will you read this tonight? "An Ode To Tigers"? Hobbes wrote it. "The zebra's stripes are lacking hues, So they don't compare to you-know-whose."Orange, black and white is what to wear! It's haute couture for those who dare! It's camouflage, and stylish, too! Yes, tigers look the best, it's true!" This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious, isn't it?
Calvin asks Dad to read "An Ode to Tigers" at bedtime. Hobbes wrote it. Dad reads the zebra's stripes are lacking hues, they don't compare to you-know-who's. It's camouflage and stylish, too. Yes, tigers look best. It's true. Dad asks if this goes on. Calvin tells him for pages. He asks Dad if he thinks it's pretty tedious.
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11 JAN 1989
I'M HO-OME! KAPOW WUMPH! Great. The snow cushioned the blow to my spine, so I can now die of pneumonia. Aww, has oo got de sniffoos?
Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes pounces on him and knocks him into the snow. Calvin says the snow cushioned the blow to his spine, so now he can die of pneumonia. Hobbes makes fun of Calvin, mocking him with "Has oo got de sniffoos".
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12 JAN 1989
I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the snow. Calvin likes the cold, gray winter days. He says days like these let you savor a bad mood.
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13 JAN 1989
You try it and I'll watch. Sissy.
Calvin has built a loop out of snow on the downslope of the hill. Hobbes is standing nearby as Calvin pulls the sled up the hill. Hobbes tells Calvin to try it. He'll watch. Calvin calls him a sissy.
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14 JAN 1989
Look, I put a snowball on top of this snowman's head. Now I'll be the next William Tell, and I'll hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched!
Calvin puts a snowball on the head of a snowman. He's going to be the next William Tell, and he'll hit the snowball clean off. He throws a snowball. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says "ouch". Calvin complains that he flinched.
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15 JAN 1989
Put 'er down here. You know, these things should really come with air bags. Ready? Ready. OFF WE GO-O! Ooh! Yikes! Wow! See? I TOLD you. Help me gather up the sled, you sissy.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the toboggan. Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. He says yes, so off they go. Hobbes steps off the back of the toboggan. He brushes the snow off himself and watches the toboggan go down the hill. He turns his head at one point, covering his eyes. He covers his mouth at another. He looks into the air, following Calvin's journey. As Calvin comes back up the hill, covered in snow and branches, Hobbes tells him he told him so. Calvin tells Hobbes to help him gather the sled, and he calls him a sissy.
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16 JAN 1989
The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light, our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile.
Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet surface. An alien approaches. In the blinding light, Spiff can't tell whether the alien is friendly or hostile. Mom comes in to yell at Calvin who's still sitting on his bed. She tells him to get ready for school. Spiff, being carried off by the alien, says that it's definitely hostile.
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17 JAN 1989
The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff, captured by vicious zogwards, is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second, Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planet's low gravity, our hero is away like a shot. There's the bus... but why don't I see Calvin?
Calvin is tossed out the door. Mom tells him the bus will be by any minute. Get going! Spaceman Spiff, captured by the Zogwargs, is being transported to the labor camp. Our hero hatches a plan. He makes his break. Using the planet's weaker gravity, our hero is away like a shot. Mom looks out the window. She says she sees the bus, but why doesn't she see Calvin?
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18 JAN 1989
Spiff escapes! Did Calvin get on the bus? I didn't see. ... why? Someone just darted behind that tree. See, there he goes again. Isn't that Calvin? The zogwargs have spotted him! Our hero inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket, and prepares for takeoff!
Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.
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19 JAN 1989
Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! It's your own grave you're digging, buster!
Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.
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20 JAN 1989
Young man, you are in VERY big trouble! Why didn't you get on the school bus?! Now I'VE got to drive you, and your Dad will be late for work. You've inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death, Zogwarg queen! Don't tempt me! And listen, you call me "Mom," ... got it?
Mom drags Calvin back telling him he's in big trouble. She asks why he didn't get on the bus. Now she has to take him to school, and Dad will be late to work. She tells Calvin he's inconvenienced everyone and asks if he has anything to say for himself. Calvin tells the Zogwarg Queen to give him liberty or give him death. Mom turns from the steering wheel with teeth clenched. She tells Calvin not to tempt her. She also tells him to call her Mom.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1989
Hey, Calvin, how come you're late today? Why didn't you ride the bus? I was going to skip school, but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldn't believe it when she cleared the hedge.
Susie asks Calvin why he was late to school. Calvin tells her he was going to skip, but he got caught. When Susie asks how he got caught, Calvin tells her Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Susie asks if his Mom had to chase him. Calvin tells her he couldn't believe it when Mom cleared the hedge.
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22 JAN 1989
OK, let's see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph, and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didn't even hear me sneak up. Now I'll cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didn't even notice! You're the worst shot in the world, Calvin! If it wasn't for gravity, you probably couldn't even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted, I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently?
Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1989
Yes, can I have the tool department, please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK, thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK, ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard.
Calvin is on the telephone asking for the tool department. He asks the price of circular saws, then electric drills. He asks how big a bit the drill will hold. Then Mom walks by. Calvin acts as if he's talking to Susie about a school assignment. After Mom passes, Calvin apologizes to the tool department and asks about acetylene torches. He tells them to ring it up. He has Dad's MasterCard in his hand.
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24 JAN 1989
Look at all this homework I'm supposed to do! I don't want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
Calvin complains about all the homework he has to do. He tells Hobbes he doesn't want to do the homework, and he wants to play outside. Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says "childhood is short and maturity is forever".
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25 JAN 1989
People are rotten. When I grow up, I'm going to live a million miles away from everyone! How will you survive? What will you eat? ... Well, Mom could come by twice a day to cook, I suppose. That would be quite a commute.
Calvin tells Hobbes that people are rotten. He says when he grows up, he's going to live a million miles from everyone. Hobbes asks how he'll survive and eat. Calvin suggests Mom could come by twice a day to cook. Hobbes says that would be quite a commute.
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26 JAN 1989
Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. I'm supposed to write about an adventure I had! I haven't had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didn't even get on the the highway.
Calvin comes home complaining about an assignment he got. He has to write about an adventure he had. Calvin argues that his life has been one big bore from the beginning. He's never been abducted by pirates, never faced down a charging rhino, been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing run. Hobbes asks about the time he backed the car through the garage door. Calvin doesn't think that was an adventure. He never even got on the highway.
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27 JAN 1989
When do you think we'll get a thunder and lightning storm? I don't kow. Probably not until spring. I think he's going to melt before we can bring him to life.
Dad is shoveling snow when Calvin asks him when he thinks they'll get a thunder and lightning storm. Dad says probably not until spring. Calvin walks back to Hobbes, who's standing next to a snowman prone on the ground. Calvin says he thinks the snowman will melt before they can bring him to life.
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28 JAN 1989
Hey, Susie, stand on this "X". Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? C'mon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought.
Calvin asks Susie to stand on the "X" he made in the snow. Susie asks why. Calvin says there's no reason. He dares her. She refuses, then walks away. Calvin pleads for her to do it, but Susie tells him to get lost. Calvin looks at his bunch of snowballs sitting on a plank lying on top a log. He says this may not work out as well as he thought.
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29 JAN 1989
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesn't WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner, Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta, Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still won't talk, eh, Earthling? Our hero's mind races furiously! He's had his chance! Let's make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long, Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast!
Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1989
Wow, you've made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. They're efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out, I'll watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasn't aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small, so they'll go faster.
Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.
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31 JAN 1989
I'm writing a book about my life. It's called, "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation." Interesting title. Thanks. Specifically what exploits are you referring to? That's the problem. Can you help me think of some I could do?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a book about his life, titled "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation". Hobbes asks what exploits he's referring to. Calvin admits that's the problem. He asks Hobbes for some he could do.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1989
Hi Susie. Go away, Calvin! Sit somewhere else! I don't want to know what revolting thing you have for lunch today. Relax, Susie. I'm not going to tell you what I have. You'd better not. I mean it. All I'll say is that I sure feel sorry for my tapeworm. MISS WORMWOOD! Hey! Did I SAY what my lunch is?! Did I?!?
Susie doesn't want Calvin to sit next to her at lunch. She doesn't want to know what revolting thing he has for lunch today. Calvin tells her to relax, he's not going to tell her what he has. Calvin looks at his sandwich and says he sure feels sorry for his tapeworm. Susie yells for Miss Wormwood.
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02 FEB 1989
What's this? A crash test dummy. Now I can see if the hill is safe to go down. Off you go! Ooh, I think I'm going to be sick. Well, I wouldn't have steered like THAT! He deserved it!
Calvin puts a snowman on his toboggan. He tells Hobbes it's a crash test dummy. He's going to see if the hill is safe to go down. Calvin pushes the toboggan forward, and down it goes. They both watch the toboggan. Hobbes holds his paws over his mouth and says he thinks he's going to be sick. Calvin proclaims he wouldn't have steered that way. He says the snowman deserved it.
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03 FEB 1989
Oh, no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvin's organs are in danger of collapsing! He... he's about to implode! We've got to get out of here! There's too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We can't eat at fast food places all the time.
Calvin claims the air pressure in the room is too high. He sucks in his cheeks and stretches his eyes vertically. He says his organs are in danger of collapsing. He's about to implode. Mom, Dad, and Calvin are sitting at a restaurant table. Calvin says they have to get out of there. There's too much atmosphere. Mom tells him to sit still and behave. She tells him they can't eat at fast food places all the time.
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04 FEB 1989
These television programs sure are rotten. There isn't an ounce of imagination in the whole bunch. What bilge. Who do they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash? You. If there was anything BETTER on, I'd watch THAT.
Calvin complains the television shows are rotten. There's no imagination in the bunch. He asks Hobbes who they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash. As Hobbes walks off, he says "You". Calvin replies if there was anything better on, he would watch that.
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05 FEB 1989
No text.
Calvin makes a bunch of tiny snowmen. He stands in the middle of them. He gets an evil look on his face. The tyrannosaurus is loose in the city. People are running in fear.
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06 FEB 1989
You're taking a shower NOW? That means we're going out tonight, right? And you haven't told ME to get cleaned up, so that means I'm staying home, right? And if I'm staying home, that means you've gotten me a babysitter, right? And that means you've probably hired ROSALYN again, right?!? Brilliant, Holmes. AAAHHHHHH!
Calvin sees Mom with her hair wrapped in a towel. He says since she showered now, she and Dad must be going out. He also notices that he wasn't asked to clean up, so that means he's staying home. Since he's staying home, that means Mom has gotten a baby sitter. With a gasp, he realizes that means Mom probably hired Rosalyn! Mom confirms his fears by saying "Brilliant, Holmes". Calvin yells in horror.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1989
Quick, Hobbes! We've got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means we're in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV, no horsing around, NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesn't even kiss us good nigh. Eww, gross. You WANT her to?!?
Calvin runs to his bedroom warning Hobbes that they have to hide since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes says they're usually in bed by 6:30. Calvin adds they get no TV, no horsing around. She walks in and sends them straight to bed. Hobbes complains she doesn't even give them a good night kiss. Calvin makes a face and asks if he would really want her to.
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08 FEB 1989
Where are you going tonight? Why can't Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? We're going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves, OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! We'd be good! Really! Why won't you let us come? Why don't you want us around? Is the movie dirty? What's the problem?! Gosh, a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine?
Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?
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09 FEB 1989
Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Calvin's hiding upstairs from you, so you may have an easy evening. That would be great. I've got to study tonight for a big test tomorrow. Did you hear THAT? Did you hear THAT? Hee hee! Tonight: the revenge of the baby sat!
Mom lets Rosalyn in. She tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs hiding from her, so she may have an easy evening. Rosalyn says that would be good, since she has to study for a big test tomorrow. Upstairs, Calvin and Hobbes are listening around the corner. As Hobbes rubs his paws together, and Calvin puts on an evil smile, he declares that tonight is "The Revenge of the Baby Sat".
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10 FEB 1989
Hi Rosalyn! How are you? What are you going? Homework? Right. I've got to study for an exam tomorrow, so I want it quiet tonight. Got it? Oh, you bet, Roz. Hobbes and I won't make a peep. Can I see what you're studying? Don't touch anyth... I GOT HER NOTES! I GOT HER NOTES! RUN, HOBBES, RUN!! CALVIN!
Rosalyn is studying her papers at the table. Calvin comes up and asks what she's doing. She tells him she has to study tonight, so she wants it quiet. Calvin says he understands and tells her he and Hobbes won't make a peep. He asks to see what she's studying. As Rosalyn tells him not to touch anything, Calvin grabs her notes and runs away.
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11 FEB 1989
GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES, YOU LITTLE CREEP! Run! Run! What are we going to do? She'll kill us! Into the bathroom! Lock the door! Quick! CALVIN! Open this door, or your parents will never find your remains! Boy, some baby sitter! Here go your notes!
Rosalyn chases Calvin, who has her study notes. Calvin and Hobbes run into the bathroom. They lock the door just before Rosalyn gets there. She tells Calvin through the bathroom door that if he doesn't open the door, his parents will never find his remains. Calvin holds her papers over the open toilet and tells her "Here go your notes".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1989
Hold still. Now boost! Lift! C'mon! Mph! Get your hand out of my eye! OK, forward! On the way back, you're carrying ME. Hey, I got some mail. It's a valentine card. From Susie Derkins! It says, "Please be my valentine." You're Susie's valentine! I'm not her valentine just because I got this in the mail, am I? Does the post-master general know about this? Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee! I don't have to KISS her, do I?! Is that what valentines do??! Oh, gross! First comes Lo-ove, Then comes marriage, Then comes a baby in a baby carriage! This can't be happening! I need a lawyer! She can't make me be her valentine! Here she comes! Here comes Susie! Hi, Calvin. Get away from me! I'm not your valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! Yecchh! That card wasn't for YOU, you moron. Didn't you read the back of the envelope? The back? "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes." HOBBES?! Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch city, here I come!
Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1989
Calvin, you've got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know, Rosalyn, I'd suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to these notes, would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home, I'll... FLUSH AUGH! There's ONE page!
Rosalyn pounds on the bathroom door telling Calvin he has two seconds to unlock the door and return her science notes. Calvin suggests she adopt a more humble attitude. He warns her she wouldn't want anything to happen to the notes. Rosalyn rattles the door knob, calls Calvin a "Scummy little troll". As she's telling him what she'll do when Calvin's parents get home, she hears the toilet flush. Calvin tells her "There's one page". Rosalyn is horrified.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1989
You'd better not have really flushed any of my notes! I've got a big test tomorrow! Well then, with that at stake, our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You don't get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy, you'd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready, Cap'n!
Rosalyn grits her teeth and says Calvin had better not really have flushed her notes. She has a test tomorrow. Calvin says with that at stake, his demands should seem reasonable. Rosalyn says he doesn't get any demands. She wants him to open the door. As Calvin walks over to the toilet, he says a high school senior should catch on quicker. He says he should write the school board. Hobbes readies the "torpedo tube".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1989
I sure hope you memorized this page already, because you're never going to see it again! NO! Don't flush it! Tell me what your stupid demands are. That's more like it! OK, first we want to stay up until my parents drive in. Second, we want you to go pick up a pizza and rent us a video player... YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! Third... are you writing these down?
Calvin tells her he hopes she memorized the page already, because she'll never see it again. She tells him not to flush it and asks what his demands are. Calvin tells her he wants to stay up until his parents drive in. Then, he wants Rosalyn to get a pizza and rent a video player. She tells him he's out of his mind. Calvin continues and asks if she's writing these down.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1989
I don't hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? We've still got her science notes. Doesn't she want them any more? What's she doing? Maybe she's calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh, that'd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening.
Hobbes doesn't hear Rosalyn any more. Calvin calls out to her. No answer. Calvin wonders if she went away. Hobbes says they still have her notes. Calvin can't figure out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders if she's calling the fire department to open the door with an axe. Calvin thinks that would be great. He hopes they bring their biggest truck. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad are having a restful evening.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1989
Rosalyn? Are you out here? Are you calling the fire departme... GOTCHA! OH NO! I didn't really flush your notes! They're all there! Go look! Please don't kill me! Phooey. Well, it's 7:00. We got to stay up half-hour later than usual.
Calvin opens the bathroom door and peeks out. He calls to Rosalyn, asking if she's calling the fire department. She darts around the corner and grabs Calvin. As she carries him off, he tells her he didn't really flush her notes. He says they're all there and asks her not to kill him. He's put to bed. Hobbes points out it's 7:00. They got to stay up a half hour longer than usual.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1989
Rosalyn? We're home. Hi Rosalyn. Did you have a quiet evening? Did you get your studying done? ... no, huh? I'm sorry, but tonight is really going to cost you. You're SURE no one else in this town will agree to baby-sit Calvin? Maybe YOU would like to spend a week on the phone!
Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks if Rosalyn had a quiet evening and got her studying done. Rosalyn has a worn look to her face. She says she's sorry, but tonight is going to cost them. Having paid Rosalyn, and her having left, Dad asks Mom if she's sure that no one in town will baby-sit Calvin. Mom replies that maybe he'd like to spend a week on the phone.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1989
What's this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good, huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! I'll hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy, thinking it's me! Your enemies must not be very bright. That's why they're out to get me. They can't stand my genius. Hey, Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down, will ya? How can I hide when you're yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked.
Calvin builds a snowman he is using as a Calvin decoy. He dresses the snowman in his hat and coat. He tells Hobbes he's going to hide behind the tree and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy. He'll find out who his enemies are. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says Calvin's enemies must not be too bright. Calvin agrees, saying that's why they're out to get him. They can't stand his genius. As Calvin hides behind the tree, Hobbes yells that he sees a way his plan might fail. Calvin tells him to quiet down. Hobbes smacks Calvin with a snowball. Calvin, poking out upside down from the snow, says his plan to discover his enemies was a complete success. Hobbes says it's too bad he took off his hat and coat, because he must be soaked.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 FEB 1989
Here we are, poised on the precipice of "suicide slope". Below us lie the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenalin rush, we prepare to hurl ourselves over the bring! What fate awaits us? Ready? No. Life and death hang in the balance! A fraction of a second and one wrong turn are all that separate them! This isn't helping.
On their sled, Calvin says they're at the top of "Suicide Slope". Below them are the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenaline rush, they prepare to go over the brink. What fate awaits them? Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. Hobbes says no. Calvin goes on to say life and death hang in the balance. A fraction of a second and one wrong term is all that separate them. Hobbes tells him this isn't helping.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 FEB 1989
Dad says the anitipationo of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think he's crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I can't think of ANYthing I'd rather anticipate than have right away. Can you? Death comes to mind. I don't know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when you're always so morbid.
Going down the slope, Calvin says Dad tells him the anticipation of something is often more fun than having it. Calvin thinks he's crazy. Calvin hates waiting for things. He likes to have things immediately. As they fly over a small gorge, Calvin can't think of anything he'd rather anticipate than have. He asks if Hobbes does. Hobbes covers his eyes and says death. As they head into the briar patch, Calvin doesn't know why he bothers discussing things with Hobbes when he's always so morbid.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 FEB 1989
I wish snow was dry, so that you didn't get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again, if snow was dry, you couldn't pack it into snowballs. That wouldn't be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldn't that be fun? ... Well no, actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck, it's OK just the way it is. We're glad you approve.
Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes snow was dry so you didn't get all cold and wet when you play in it. Then, he mentions that you couldn't make snowballs, which is bad. He then wishes it snowed in summer. But that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. As he and Hobbes walk away, he decides things are okay as they are. Hobbes is glad he approves.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 FEB 1989
You can always tell when you get to OUR house.
Mom and Dad are walking down the sidewalk. They look into a yard and see a snowman with a hat and broom. A little further on, they see a snowman with a scarf and cap. They keep walking past a snowman with a small snowman next to it. They come to their yard and see a snowman with two heads, with both heads having their mouths open. Dad says you can always tell when you get to their house.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1989
I think our snow forts are too far apart.
Calvin and Hobbes are each in a snow fort. There is a bunch of snowballs lying on the snow in front of each fort. Calvin says he thinks their snow forts are too far apart.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1989
Now let's see if Mom jumps out of HER skin.
Calvin bends his knees and jumps into the air. POP! His skeleton comes up from his skin. Calvin, the skeleton, leaves his skin in a pile and walks away. He says now he'll see if Mom jumps out of her skin.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1989
CLUMP The pteranodon spreads his giant wings, and...
Mom is sewing in her chair as Calvin walks by. Calvin walks by later with a conical hat and a cape. Mom keeps sewing. She hears a CLUMP and walks to the window to see what it was. She sees a ladder sitting against the wall. She races out of the house, looking up at the roof. The pteranodon spreads his wings and prepares to soar.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1989
Look at this, Hobbes! I could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs Beanie! See, It has a battery powered propeller on top and a big star on the front! Isn't that neat? You have to send in four box "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it, it says. Well, don't just stand there, or this will take forever. Ugh. This stuff always makes my heart skip.
Calvin, eating a bowl of cereal, tells Hobbes he could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs beanie. It has a battery-powered propeller on top and a star on the front. Hobbes notices you need to send in four "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it. Calvin hands him a bowl and tells him to not just sit there or this will take forever. Hobbes says that cereal always makes his heart skip.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1989
Blechh, I feel sick. Oh, c'mon, that's only your second bowl of cereal. This stuff is pure sugar. But it's FORTIFIED with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of milk duds. Look, it says right on the box, "part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet.
Hobbes feels sick. Calvin chides him by telling him it's only his second bowl of cereal. Hobbes complains that it's pure sugar. Calvin retorts that it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes responds that it's like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin shows him on the box where it says its' a part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Hobbes points out the picture shows a guy eating five grapefruits and a dozen bran muffins. Calvin is shaking from all the sugar. He tells Hobbes that the reason Hobbes is shaking is due to a vitamin deficiency, he bets.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1989
Morning, Dad! How's your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal, huh? A bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. Yes. Why don't you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? I'll bet you'd rather have a bowl of tasty, up-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No, thanks. I'm trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having, Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie, YOU eat the cereal, Calvin.
Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1989
1 1/2 boxes to go, and I'll have enough "Proof of purchases seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. 1 1/3 boxes to go. Man, I'm EARNING this.
Calvin's still eating cereal. He says he has one and a half more boxes to eat before he has enough "Proof of Purchase Seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. He pours himself another bowl. He looks into the box. He says he has one and one third more boxes to go. His cheeks puff out and he sticks his tongue out. He says "Man, I'm earning this".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAR 1989
Hobbes, I did it! I ate enough boxes of cereal to get all the proof of purchases seals I need! Now I can order my beanie! Oh, boy! I can't wait to get it! I'll be so cool! Not for over a month. It says to allow six weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?!? I'll be OLD then! And I'm sure your beanie will be the talk of the rest home.
Calvin excitedly tells Hobbes he ate enough cereal and has enough proofs of purchase to order his beanie. Calvin thinks it will be so cool, he can't wait. Hobbes tells him it says to allow six weeks for delivery. Calvin is shocked! In six weeks, he'll be old. Hobbes pats his head and says his beanie will be the talk of the rest home.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAR 1989
Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. I'm never going to make it six weeks,
Sitting in the school bus, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Sitting at his desk in school, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Getting off the school bus at the end of the day, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. He asks Mom if his beanie came in the mail. She tells him she just mailed the order that day. Calvin shuffles off saying he'll never make it six weeks.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1989
I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1989
Gosh, I can't wait to get my beanie! I hop it comes soon. Do you think it will? It's probably been almost six weeks by NOW, don't you think. I ordered the red beanie. But what if it's not in stock? Should I take the blue one, or wait for them to reorder? A blue one would be OK, I guess, but I sure hope they have a red one. I've always wanted a beanie like this, with a propeller. Boy, it'll be so cool when I have it. I can't wait. Wow! A red beanie! ... or a blue one. Do you think it will come tomorrow? Do you? It had sure better. Yeah, that's how I feel, too.
Calvin is chattering away at night in his bed about his beanie. Calvin hopes it comes soon. He thinks it's been six weeks. He goes on to say he ordered the red beanie, but what if it's not in stock. Should he take the blue one or wait for a reorder? Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin continues talking about always wanting a beanie. He says it will be so cool to have it. A red one...or a blue one. He asks Hobbes if he thinks it will come tomorrow. Hobbes is covering his head with a pillow trying to sleep. He says it sure had better.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAR 1989
How was school today? Oh, it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today?
Sitting at his desk at school, Calvin dreams of flying over the town in his beanie. He dreams of flying with the jet airliners. Mom asks him how school was. Calvin says it was a blast...did his beanie come today?
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1989
Please let my beanie come today! I promise I won't ever be bad again! I'll do whatever you want! Please, please, please! I'll never ask another favor if today's the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?
At his desk, hands clenched in prayer, Calvin prays for the beanie to come in the mail that day. He promises he'll never be bad again. He promises never to ask for another favor if he gets the beanie today. He runs in the house and asks Mom if the beanie came. She says no. Calvin goes outside, looks into the sky, and yells "What's it take, huh".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAR 1989
I can't believe this. Every day I get all my hopes up, thinking my beanie will come... and then it doesn't. And for each day that goes by, I figure the odds are better that it will come the NEXT day, so my hopes get higher and higher before they fall. It's awful. But I've been disappointed so often now, I'm finally getting numb to it. Maybe the mailman made a second trip today and delivered it in the last five minutes. Wow! I never thought of that! C'mon! He's not numb.
Calvin tells Hobbes he gets his hopes up every day, thinking his beanie will come, then it doesn't. Every day that goes by, he figures, increases his chances the next day will be the one. His hopes get higher and higher before they fall. He says he's been disappointed so often, he thinks he's getting numb to it. Hobbes says maybe the mailman made a second trip and came by and delivered it in the last five minutes. Calvin races off saying he never thought of that. Hobbes replies that he's not numb.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1989
The longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.
Calvin is sitting on the steps. He keeps sitting there, and he starts to doze off. Suddenly, he perks up and runs to the mailbox. He opens it, and he pulls out a couple envelopes. He looks disappointed. He says the longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAR 1989
I'm home. I didn't get my propeller beanie today, did I? As a matter of fact, you did! IT'S HERE! Ha ha! It took weeks and weeks of waiting, but at long last it's finally here! Now I finally, finally get to put it on. "Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
Calvin walks through the door, looking tired. He asks if his beanie came in the mail. He's sure it didn't. Mom gives him the box and tells him it did come in. Calvin is ecstatic. He says it took weeks of waiting, but it's finally here. He gets to finally put it on. He tears the package open with a wild look in his eyes. He pulls out a paper from inside the box. It reads "Some assembly required. Batteries not included".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1989
Tigers don't worry about much, do they? Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. I'm not having enough fun right now. You're not? I'm just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. It's Sunday. I've just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime, I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I don't want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say, "I'm having the time of my life right now!" But here I am and I'm NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever, even as we speak! We've got to have MORE fun! C'mon! I didn't realize fun was so much work. Sure! When you're SERIOUS about having fun, it's not much fun at all!
Calvin complains to Hobbes that he's only having a little fun, when he should be having a lot of fun. Since it's Sunday, he only has a precious few hours of freedom before he has to return to school. He has to squeeze all the possible fun out of the day. Valuable minutes are disappearing, as Calvin is not having the time of his life. He tells Hobbes they have to have more fun. Off they run. Hobbes says he didn't realize fun was so much work. Calvin says when you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1989
Can you believe this? I've got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am, an engineer? Look, I've got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I can't do this! Here, let me try. No! Get away! I'LL do it! You'd probably goof it all up, or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!
Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1989
MY MOTOR BROKE! THE PIECE SNAPPED! NOW MY BEANIE PROPELLOR WON'T WORK!! AAGHHGHHH! I waited WEEKS for this and now it's BROKEN, and I didn't even get to WEAT it! STUPID ROTTEN PIECES OF LOUSY JUNK!! It's all YOUR fault! RRGHHGHHGH! MY fault?! I was just sitting here. YOU broke it! You WILLED me to break it! You did some subliminal thing! Don't deny it! I know you did! You MUST have! OK, NOW I'm willing you to go jump in the septic tank.
Calvin is horrified! His motor broke, the piece snapped. He's worried his beanie propeller won't work. He rants that he waited for weeks, and now it's broken. He never got to wear the beanie. He turns to Hobbes and says it was his fault. He tries to hit Hobbes, who holds him away by his head. Hobbes reminds him he was just sitting. Calvin broke it. Calvin angrily accuses Hobbes of willing him to break it by using some subliminal thing. Hobbes concentrates and says he's willing Calvin to go jump in the septic tank.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1989
What are you mad at ME for?! Get away from me! I don't even want to talk to you! YOU broke your beanie motor, not ME! I didn't do anything! You distracted me! I did not! I was just SITTING here! You broke it all by yourself! *sniff* *sniffle* ... all right... I know... But considering that my life's in shambles right now, could you at least take the blame?
Hobbes asks Calvin why he's mad at him. Calvin doesn't even want to talk to Hobbes. Hobbes points out Calvin broke the beanie, not him. Calvin insists Hobbes distracted him. Hobbes points a finger at Calvin and says he was just sitting there, Calvin broke it by himself. Calvin sniffles his agreement, then adds that considering his life is in shambles right now, couldn't Hobbes at least take the blame.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1989
Dad, can you fix my beanie? I broke the propellor motor trying to put the pieces together. Well, let's see. This isn't too bad. You just snapped the battery case. I'll just glue it together and insert the switch for you, OK? There! Good as new! Now just let this sit awhile so the glue can set. You did it! You fixed it! I can't believe it! HEY, MOM! Dad fixed something! He DID?? Your DAD?? ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!
Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1989
Look, Hobbes! Dad fixed my beanie! Well? How's it look? Adjectives fail me. I'm turning it on. Ready? Here goes. I don't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. THAT's the word I was looking for.
Calvin runs out to show Hobbes his completed beanie. He puts it on and asks Hobbes how it looks. Hobbes thinks about it and says adjectives fail him. Calvin turns the beanie on. The propeller spins. Calvin says he doesn't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. Hobbes points and says that's the word he was looking for.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1989
I'm not flying! This beanie doesn't make me fly! What's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it? What a rip-off! I ate all that cereal, waited weeks and weeks to get the beanie, assembled it myself, and the dumb thing doesn't even fly! At least it's not a TOTAL loss. It came in this great cardboard box. Oh, boy! NOW we'll have some fun!
Calvin tells Hobbes the beanie isn't making him fly. He asks what's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it. Hobbes offers that the point isn't "style", certainly. Calvin kicks the beanie and complains that he ate all that cereal, waited all those weeks, assembled it, and it doesn't fly. What a rip off! He says it's not a total loss, though. It came in a great cardboard box.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1989
Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....
Calvin is sleepy and sighs at his school desk. Suddenly, the desk grows into a dinosaur. Calvin hops onto the dinosaur as it runs out of the school. Miss Wormwood smacks Calvin's desk with a stick, and he wakes up. Gradually, his eyes close again and he sighs. This time, he's flying on the back of a pterodactyl.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1989
C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1989
I don't want to catch the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here at all. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
Calvin is grousing about not wanting to catch the bus or go to school. With a frown on his face, he says he's tired of everyone telling him what to do. He hates his life, he hates everything. He wishes he was dead. He thinks about it, then says not really. He says he wishes everyone else was dead.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1989
Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh, YOU'RE real pleasant this morning. What's the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer, OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well, who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
Susie says hi to Calvin. HMPH, he grumbles. Susie asks what's the matter. Calvin tells her to go step in front of a cement mixer. Susie calls Calvin a jerk. She tells him he can just stand there and be grumpy all by himself. Now Susie is frowning. Calvin gives a nasty smile and thinks nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1989
What are you so mad about anyway? Couldn't you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey, where IS your insect collection? It's due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No, that's not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??
Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1989
Don't just stand there, Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You can't do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it, anyway? It's all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Don't you pay attention?! Don't you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth, can I have them?
Calvin is running around trying to catch bugs. He tells Susie to help him. She explains they were supposed to be working on the projects all month. She tells him he can't do the whole thing on the last morning while waiting for the bus. She asks how he could possibly have forgotten it. She tells him it's all the class has been doing. What has he been doing? Susie asks if he doesn't care about getting a good education. Calvin, on hands and knees looking for bugs, asks Susie if he can have any bugs that fly into her open mouth.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1989
Here comes the bus, Calvin. It's hopeless. There's a bug! You're wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didn't spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. We're supposed to have 50 insects. You'll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!
Susie tells him the bus is coming. Calvin finds a bug. Susie tells him he's wasting his time. The teacher will know he didn't spend any time on the collection. Calvin tells her to stall the bus driver. Susie reminds him they were supposed to have 50 insects. He'll be lucky to have any. Calvin jumps into the air and stomps on a bug. He holds his shoe up to Susie and asks what kind it is. He tells her to scrape it off. Susie runs off, telling him to get away from her.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1989
Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1989
Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I can't believe you're doing this. Hey, ask that kid if he's got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin, there's no way you're going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well, maybe you're right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? I'll give you a quarter... or here, 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!
On the bus, Calvin is still looking for bugs. He checks the bus window. Susie can't believe he's doing this. He tells her to ask another kid if he has bugs in his window. Susie tells him there's no way he'll complete an insect collection on the way to school. She tells him to forget it. He agrees. Then, Calvin asks Susie how much she wants for her collection. He starts at a quarter, then raises it to thirty cents. Susie replies that she spent a month on it.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1989
Hey, here's a worm! Worms are bugs, aren't they? Eww gross, Calvin! That's been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesn't start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute, I'll get an "A"on my collection. See, I'm off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! You're out of your mind. Here's another already. That's a little ball of lint! Like I'm sure the teacher's going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids' collections!
Calvin looks at a puddle. He sees a worm. He asks if worms are bugs. Susie tells him that worm has been floating for days. Calvin has ten minutes before class starts. If he catches five bugs a minute, he'll get an "A". He finds another insect on the ground. Susie tells him that's a little ball of lint. Calvin is sure the teacher won't look real close at every hairy bug in 30 kids' collections.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1989
RINNGGGG There's the bell. We've got to go to class. Rats. I didn't get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Well, if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds, maybe you'll get an "F+". We've got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually, I don't think there's any way you'll get an "F+". For all this work, I'd better at least get a "D".
The bell rings. Calvin doesn't have his insects. He has a drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that looks like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Susie offers that if he scientifically names them in the next 30 seconds, he might get an "F+". Calvin asks if he has to label them, too. He was going to put them all in an envelope. Susie says she doesn't think there's any way he'll get an "F+". Calvin suggests that for all that work, he should at least get a "D".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1989
How did you mount your insects, Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I don't have a box or pins. I guess I'll just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesn't work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way you're going, maybe you'd prefer a stapler.
Calvin asks how Susie mounted her bugs. She tells him with pins, in a box. Calvin decides to mount his bugs on notebook paper. Tape doesn't work too well as he tears the worm. He asks Susie for her paste. She makes a face and suggests at the rate he's going, maybe he'd prefer a stapler.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1989
Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teacher's not looking. Shhh! We're not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation, Miss Derkins? Perhaps you'd like to sit up front, so you won't distract Calvin any more? Oh, I TRIED to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.
Calvin whispers over to Susie to help him think of scientific names of his bugs while the teacher's not looking. Susie tells him they're not supposed to talk in class. She tells him to do it himself. Miss Wormwood asks if Susie is having a pleasant conversation. Susie is horrified! Miss Wormwood asks her to move up front so she doesn't distract Calvin anymore. Calvin says he tried to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1989
Ooooh, that rotten Calvin! I hate him! I hate him! HE'S the one who didn't do his assignment! HE'S the one who was talking in class! HE'S the one who should be sitting here at the front of the room, not ME! I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I'M the one who got in trouble! I sure hope Calvin feels terrible about this! Hey Susie, How's the view way up there? Ha! Ha! Calvin P.S. Try to steal a chalkboard eraser for me.
Susie is angry at her desk. She's mad at Calvin. He didn't do his assignment, he was the one who was talking, he should be sitting up front instead of her. As she covers her face with her hands, she thinks she wasn't doing anything wrong, but she got in trouble. She hopes Calvin feels bad about it. Calvin is writing Susie a note which asks her how the view is up there. He writes that he wants her to try to steal a chalkboard eraser for him.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1989
Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
Spaceman Spiff blasts across the galaxy. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem. A Zok death sloop appears and fries Spiff's stabilizers. He hurls out of control toward his doom. Calvin writes the math problem on the chalkboard. The situation is desperate. What can our hero do? He downshifts his spacecraft and...stalls. Calvin writes a bunch of numbers and lines on the board. The class bell rings. Oh, darn, out of time. Spaceman Spiff once again beats all odds to save the day.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1989
Psst... here! Hey Susie, Roses are red, A deep crimson hue, When you got in trouble, You sure were too! Ha! Ha! Calvin. Calvin, you dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you... Writing notes in class now, are we, Susie? Hey, look! She's turning red again! EEP!
Susie is passed a note. It's from Calvin. He wrote a poem. Roses are red, a deep crimson hue, when you got in trouble, you sure were too. Susie is enraged. She starts writing a note to Calvin, calling him dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, and a nasty piece of moldy scum. As she's writing, Miss Wormwood catches her and asks if she's now writing notes in class. Once again, Susie is horrified!
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1989
Oh, no. How can this be happening? I've been sent to see the PRINCIPAL! This is all CALVIN'S fault! He's the one who got me in all this trouble! I'm so scared! What am I going to do?? I think they make the hall to the Principal's office this big on purpose.
Susie is being sent to the principal's office. She is very worried. She says it's all Calvin's fault. He got her in trouble. She wonders what she'll do. As she walks down the wide, empty hall toward the office, she says that they make the hall to the principal's office that wide on purpose.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1989
Wow, Susie got sent to the Principal's office! She's in trouble NOW, all right! *wheww* I sure was lucky the teacher blamed Susie for everything. What a break! Oh, no! What if Susie rats on me!? Suppose they make her sing! Suppose she squeals! Suppose she fingers me! Oh, I'm so relieved. I was afraid you wouldn't believe me. Oh, yes, we've got quite a file on our friend Calvin.
Calvin, at his desk, thinks that Susie is really in trouble. He wipes his brow and thinks he got a break when the teacher blamed Susie for everything. Suddenly, he worries if Susie will rat on him, if they'll make her sing, if she'll squeal, and if she'll finger him. Susie is talking to the principal. She tells him she was worried he wouldn't believe her. The principal brings out a folder bulging with papers. He says they have quite a file on their friend, Calvin.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1989
Here comes Susie, back from the Principal's office. Boy, does she look plae. I wonder what happened. She's talking to the teacher now. Psst! Susie, what did they do to you? Did you get expelled? You didn't snitch on ME, did you? You DID snitch! You're a STOOLIE! A canary! You're going up the river, Calvin. Calvin, will you come here, please?
Calvin sees Susie returning from the principal's office. He thinks she looks pale. He wonders what happened. Calvin whispers over to her. He asks what they did to her. Did she get expelled? He asks if she snitched on him, and Susie looks at him with an evil smile. Calvin says she's a stoolie, a canary. She tells him he's going up the river.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1989
So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection, which I got a "D-minus" on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom, and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! I've been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. I'll bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what?
Calvin is telling Hobbes that first, he got in trouble for not paying attention in class. He turned in his last-minute insect collection, for which he received a "D minus minus". Then, he got in trouble for getting Susie into trouble. Then, he got in trouble when he told Mom and then got in trouble again when she told Dad. He complains he's been in hot water since he got up. Hobbes tells Calvin that he bets all that makes him get his book report finished right on time. Calvin replies "My what".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1989
One of nature's most peculiar-looking creatures, the giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height enables him to much on the most succulent morsels most difficult to reach.
The giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height allows him to munch the succulent morsels most difficult to reach. Calvin is on stilts, walking over to the cookie jar on top the cabinet.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1989
Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe in ethics anymore. As far as he's concerned, the end justifies the means. He goes on to say you should get while the getting's good, might makes right, and winners write the history books. He figures it's a dog-eat-dog world, so he'll do what he has to and let others argue whether it's "right" or not. Hobbes pushes Calvin into a mud puddle. Calvin asks why he did that. Hobbes tells him he was in his way, now he's not. The end justifies the means. Calvin tells him he didn't mean for everyone, just him.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1989
GOTCHA!! HEY! Just what do you think you're doing back down HERE?! You didn't read me my rights.
Calvin is running through the house. Mom finally catches him and puts him to bed. He remembers something. Mom sees him playing with his toys downstairs. She asks what he thinks he's doing back down there. Calvin replies that Mom didn't read him his rights.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1989
Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard! Oh, reall. What do they look like? Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say. Did they say what they want? Yeah, they want 10 dollars. I'll bet they do. Since you're so busy, you can give the money to me, and I'll take it over to them.
Calvin runs up to Dad, telling him aliens just landed in their back yard. Dad asks what they look like. Calvin tells him like baked potatoes with laser guns. Dad asks if they said what they wanted. Calvin replies they want ten dollars. Dad says he bets they do. Calvin offers that since Dad is so busy, he could give the money to Calvin and he'll take it over to them.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1989
No text.
Calvin is walking along with a closed umbrella. It starts to sprinkle, and Calvin opens the umbrella. As it's pouring, he sets the umbrella down upside down so he makes a little pool. He happily sits in the pool.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1989
How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dad's job. And it appears to be the ONLY "Dad's job" around here! Left the dishes for Mom again, huh? Tonight's story is called, "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single." Prince WHAT?
Calvin asks Dad why he always reads his bedtime stories and not Mom. Dad tells him that's the Dad's job. From the other room, Mom yells that it appears to be the only Dad's job around here. Calvin asks Dad if he left the dishes for Mom, again. Dad yells back to the other room that tonight's story is called "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1989
I've been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? They'll say, "Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub."What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He asks Hobbes to suppose Calvin grows up to become one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose his name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come. He asks what he history books will say, then answers that he spent much of his childhood unwillingly in the bathtub. Calvin complains that his being in the tub is an indignity. He asks if this situation is worthy of one of the greatest men of all time. Calvin laments his likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Hobbes asks if he'd rather they say his childhood was dirty and smelly.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1989
NNNGKGKK HOCCHHHH PTOOEY! Boy, they sure go farther when you make 'em right! Let's make up a NEW contest, OK?
Calvin plugs one nostril and snorts in. He opens his mouth to dredge up some saliva. PTOOEY! He spits it out. He proudly tells Hobbes that they sure go farther when you make them up right. Hobbes, making a face and holding his stomach, suggests they make up a new contest.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1989
I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1989
HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this.
Calvin is hiccupping. He walks over to Hobbes to tell him. Each time he tries to say he has hiccups, he can't finish the sentence. Hobbes starts asking him what he has. He asks if Calvin has a dollar, a comic book, what? Calvin continues to try to tell Hobbes, but he keeps hiccupping. Hobbes, with an impish smile, says he loves doing this.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1989
Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! How? (hic) Scare me. OK... Our oceans are filled with garbage, we've created a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... (hic) I mean, SURPRISE me (hic). That doesn't?! Boy, you're cynical.
Calvin finally tells Hobbes he has the hiccups. Calvin tells Hobbes to scare him. Hobbes tells him the oceans are filled with garbage, there's a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, and nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it. Calvin tells Hobbes that he means surprise him. Hobbes asks if that doesn't. He says "Boy, you're cynical".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1989
Here. Drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. The (hic) far side of (hic) the glass? (hic) How do I (hic) do THAT? You have to bend your head way over. Oh (hic) I see. (hic) Thanks. Now I've got the hiccups AND water up my nose. I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
Hobbes gives Calvin a cup of water. He says drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. Calvin tries to figure out how to do that. Hobbes says he has to bend his head way over. Calvin tries it, and water pours over him. He thanks Hobbes because he now has hiccups and water up his nose. Hobbes says he thinks most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1989
These (hic) hiccups are driving me (hic) crazy. Eat a spoonful of sugar. That's supposed to help. I'll (hic) try anything. CRUNCH SMACK SMACK Well? Are you cured? (hic) Nope. I'd better (hic) eat some more.
Calvin says the hiccups are killing him. Hobbes says eating a spoonful of sugar is supposed to help. Calvin tries it. Hobbes asks if he's cured. Calvin says no, he better eat some more. He digs the spoon back into the sugar.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1989
My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic
Calvin stops. His hiccups went away by themselves. He's relieved. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces on Calvin. He asks Calvin if he scared him and cured his hiccups. Calvin hiccups several times.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1989
Look, Calvin, I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No, jelly doughnuts gross me out. They're like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin.
Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to have a jelly donut. Calvin makes a face and says jelly donuts gross him out. They're like eating giant, squishy bugs. You bite into them and their purple guts spill out the other end. He walks off telling Mom she can eat them. Mom pushes the bag aside and says her friends ask her how she stays thin.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1989
I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
In bed, Calvin says at night the world seems big and scary. He wishes he could fall asleep. He looks over at Hobbes, who's sleeping. He notices that Hobbes looks funny when he sleeps. Hobbes closes his eyes so tight. He wonders what Hobbes is dreaming about. Calvin touches him and says he's a friend. Calvin lies back down and says things are never quite as scary when you have a best friend. He closes his eyes, and he falls asleep next to Hobbes.
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24 APR 1989
Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.
Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.
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25 APR 1989
Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
Calvin tells Dad to turn the car around. He forgot Hobbes. Dad says they can't turn around, they're late already. Dad tells him he could have been ready on time and had his things ready. He didn't, he put up a fuss, made them late, and he forgot his tiger. Dad tells Calvin it's his own fault. Calvin says Dad would turn around if they'd forgotten Mom. Dad tells him that's because she's the only person who knows where they're going.
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26 APR 1989
When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.
Dad, Mom, and Calvin are sitting in the church at the wedding. Calvin is frowning, wondering when the wedding will be over. He doesn't even know these people. Calvin thinks it would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was there. Calvin wonders what Hobbes will eat. They didn't leave any food out. Calvin realizes they'll be gone almost two whole days, Hobbes will be starving. He thinks he'll let Dad go into the house first.
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27 APR 1989
Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.
In the hotel room, Calvin asks Mom how to make a long-distance call. He wants to call Hobbes to make sure he's okay. Mom tells him Hobbes won't answer and not to be silly. She reminds him he'll see Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin says Hobbes is probably all lonely. Mom says she's sure Hobbes is having a good time. Calvin hopes Hobbes isn't renting some movie Calvin wanted to see.
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28 APR 1989
Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
Calvin tells Mom he can't sleep. Mom says he can if he lies quietly. Calvin says Hobbes isn't there. He says tigers are comforting. He always falls asleep when he listens to Hobbes breathing. Mom says Calvin can listen to Dad snoring. Calvin says he thought that noise was trucks downshifting on the highway.
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29 APR 1989
Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
The family arrives home, and Calvin runs into the house to see Hobbes. Mom says she didn't think they'd ever get home. She says the whole trip was one long compliant about leaving Hobbes at home. Dad says next time, they should bring the tiger and forget the kid. Dad notices it's drafty in the house. Calvin points out the smashed window. Mom is horrified that somebody broke in. Calvin runs off to find Hobbes.
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30 APR 1989
True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin wishes people were more like animals. He tells Hobbes animals don't try to change you, they just enjoy the pleasure of your company. He explains animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, comfort you when you're sad. All they ask in return is a little kindness. Hobbes sobs that it's all true and he blows his nose loudly. Hobbes tells Calvin that speaking of a little kindness, he'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that he happens to make one. Calvin says that of course, some animals get on your nerves once in a while.
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01 MAY 1989
Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting.
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02 MAY 1989
The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.
Dad says the police are sending someone over. He asks Mom if she's figured out what's missing. Mom says she's been looking for Hobbes since Calvin's almost hysterical. Dad says he feels hysterical himself. Mom hopes the police arrive soon. She's scared. Dad says that this is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. Unfortunately, he says, we're all "someone else" to someone else.
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03 MAY 1989
Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.
Calvin looks in the closet for Hobbes. As he races through the house, he's saying he told Mom and Dad they left Hobbes behind. He tried to get them to turn around to get him, and now Hobbes was alone when the house was broken into. Calvin looks under the sofa. He says Mom told him Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. He sits with tears falling down his face. He sniffs and says that he thinks Hobbes is valuable.
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04 MAY 1989
Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.
Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.
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05 MAY 1989
... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job.
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06 MAY 1989
I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
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07 MAY 1989
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.
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08 MAY 1989
Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??
Dad asks Mom if Calvin's asleep. She says he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Dad doesn't know how he's going to sleep. Mom agrees. She can't get over what happened. The idea of a stranger going through their house makes her shiver. She wishes she had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. She hugs Dad. He complains that how come he's the grown-up. What does he get to snuggle?
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09 MAY 1989
This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
Dad is sitting up in bed. He thinks it's going to be a long night. His heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2:00, and he's wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your home, you're not safe anywhere. He lays back down and thinks a man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
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10 MAY 1989
Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Mom asks Dad if he's still awake. Dad is. When he was little, he never thought about grown-ups worrying about anything. He trusted his parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to him they might not know how. He thought when you were an adult, you automatically knew what to do in a given scenario. He says he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if he knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
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11 MAY 1989
Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.
Mom thinks that at least they weren't at home when the house was broken into. No one was hurt, and they're all together and OK. They lost a few nice things, but things don't matter much really. As she cuddles up with Dad, she thinks it's hard to believe how often they forget that.
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12 MAY 1989
Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.
At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused. Mom says he didn't finish his dinner. Calvin says he didn't like it very much, and there's a TV show he wants to watch. Mom reminds him the TV was stolen. Calvin is disappointed. He says he'll eat his asparagus, do his homework, then go straight to bed. Mom says they're proud of how he handles adversity.
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13 MAY 1989
This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!
Calvin shows Hobbes where their TV used to be. Calvin says they don't have a TV to watch, only a blank wall. He complains about not being entertained. Hobbes asks if it's a pointless existence. Calvin says that the wall is even plain old white.
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14 MAY 1989
Dear Mom, How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom, wake up! I made you a Mother's Day card! Why, how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all." "Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it. Now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?" I'm deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance?
Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.
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15 MAY 1989
Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
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16 MAY 1989
OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests "The Hobbes Fan Club". Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club". Hobbes likes his idea better.
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17 MAY 1989
I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.
Calvin decides the club name should be Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, or G.R.O.S.S. The first order of business is to elect officers. Hobbes wants to be president. Calvin says no, because the whole idea of the club was his. So he gets to be president. Hobbes says then he wants to be king and tyrant. Calvin changes his mind and says that's what he wants to be. Hobbes can be president.
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18 MAY 1989
Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.
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19 MAY 1989
I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.
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20 MAY 1989
OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about.
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21 MAY 1989
BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Let's face it, we're aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi, Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. We're doing big important things, and we don't need to mess them up. It doesn't look to ME like you're doing anything important. Well we are, so go away. We've wasted too much time talking to you already. You're just playing in the mud! That's just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right, you little creep! I don't need you! I've got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly, I'll show YOU! Don't bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD, SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh, spring! THat magical time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to love! Shut up.
Susie asks if she can play with Calvin. Calvin informs Susie that he and Hobbes aren't playing. They're doing important things and don't need her to mess them up. It doesn't look to Susie like they're doing anything important. Calvin tells her he's spent too much time talking with her and to go away. She says he's just playing in the mud. Calvin tells her that's what it looks like to ignorant girls like her. He tells her to get lost. Susie says she's got better things to do than sitting in the mud like a pig. Calvin gets angry! He says he'll show her as he grabs some mud. Susie taunts him by saying he shouldn't bend over, his curly pink tail shows. Calvin throws mud at Susie, but misses. She taunts him as she runs away. Calvin steams back to Hobbes. Hobbes calls spring that magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Calvin tells him to shut up.
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22 MAY 1989
Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him push the car out of the garage. Hobbes still thinks Calvin should ask Mom. Calvin says she'd probably say no, then they wouldn't have the garage for their clubhouse. Hobbes replies if they don't ask her, they'll get in trouble. Calvin says they won't get in trouble. Hobbes says every time he says that, they do. Calvin figures Mom wouldn't care about these things if she didn't keep finding out about them.
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23 MAY 1989
Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.
Calvin tells Hobbes to quit being such a baby. They'll move the car ten feet. What could go wrong? Hobbes says every time he says that, his tail gets bushy. Calvin says Mom will be glad they did it themselves and didn't bother her. They start pushing the car, and it keeps rolling. Calvin says the car isn't stopping. He chases after it. Hobbes says he thinks Mom is going to be bothered.
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24 MAY 1989
STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
Calvin and Hobbes are running after the car. Hobbes says the driveway must be slanted downhill. The car is going faster. Hobbes tells Calvin to jump in and pull the emergency brake. Calvin can't catch the door. Hobbes grabs Calvin as the car goes into the road. Calvin yells for people to watch out for the wild car.
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25 MAY 1989
I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble.
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26 MAY 1989
The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.
Calvin and Hobbes stand shocked. The car rolls out into the road. They cover their eyes and can't watch. GRUNTCH! Hobbes says nobody hit it. It went into the ravine across the street. Calvin says "Hooray, we're dead".
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27 MAY 1989
Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
Calvin and Hobbes run across the street to see the car. It's sitting nose up in a ditch with half the car poking up. Hobbes asks what Calvin thinks a car like that costs. He bets at least $75. Calvin can only say "Oh man".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1989
Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh, what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?
Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1989
My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing by the car, which is sticking up from the shallow ravine. Calvin says his life is flashing before his eyes. Hobbes doubts Calvin's parents figured he'd wreck their car before he was 16.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1989
What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
Calvin wonders what they'll do. They can't get the car out of the ravine. Calvin wonders if they should act like the car rolled by itself. He thinks Mom and Dad might fall for that. Calvin thinks they may not notice, if they don't say anything. Hobbes says he can be packed in five minutes. Calvin says he'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1989
Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
Calvin opens the door, says he and Hobbes are home, and asks if he's got any clean clothes. He's just asking. He goes into the kitchen. He says he's going to make a few dozen sandwiches, because he's really hungry. He yells that there's no need for Mom to get up or look out the window. Mom comes in and asks what's wrong with him. He's startled, laughs, and asks why she is asking.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1989
I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
Calvin has a couple sandwiches that he's made, but he thinks Mom got suspicious. He tells Hobbes they'd better go. Hobbes is trying to decide whether to bring a yo-yo or bubbles. Calvin hurries him up saying they'll be lucky to get out of there with their lives. Calvin says Mom is bound to look out the window any minute and see the car. As they dash out the back door, Calvin asks where's a freight train when you really need one.
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02 JUNE 1989
POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!
Calvin and Hobbes run through the field. They're puffing. They stop to rest. Calvin thinks they have enough of a head start and can rest a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks Mom has seen the car yet. Calvin thinks she's probably called Dad at work, and he'll be on his way home. They start running again.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1989
Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.
Calvin stops, as he figures he must be in another state by now. It had never occurred to him he'd be spending the rest of his life on the lam. Hobbes asks what kind of sandwiches Calvin brought. Calvin wonders how Hobbes could be thinking of eating. Calvin is so worried, he feels sick. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's sandwich, too. Calvin lies back on the grass and says he's six years old and a fugitive from justice.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1989
Ahhhh... Uh-oh. Something is seriously wrong here. The laws of perspective have been repealed! Objects no longer diminish in size with distance! Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. All spatial relationships are lost! It's impossible to judge where anything is! Oh, no! CALVIN! Quite running around the house and crashing into things, or I'll sell you to the monkey house! ... and now SHE's lost perspective.
The laws of perspective have been repealed. Objects no longer diminish in size with distance. Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. It's impossible to judge where anything is. Calvin trips over the end table and knocks it and the lamp to the floor. Mom yells that he should quit running around crashing into things. If he doesn't, Mom will sell him to the monkey house. Calvin gets up rubbing his head, saying now she's lost perspective.
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05 JUNE 1989
What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
Mom is looking out the window and wonders why all the cars are slowing as they go by. She opens the door and sees a car in the ditch, but no one is there. Mom wonders how the car went in backward. She thinks about it and realizes the car would have had to come right out of their driveway. She starts running over to the car.
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06 JUNE 1989
Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
Calvin says Mom's sure to have found the car and guessed what they did by now. As Calvin and Hobbes walk across a downed tree, Calvin says now he knows what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
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07 JUNE 1989
What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."
Hobbes hears something crashing through the brush. Calvin thinks it's a bear. They run to a tree and climb up. Hobbes thinks tigers are the only ferocious animals the world needs. Calvin imagines the headlines "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble".
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08 JUNE 1989
Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
Calvin asks if they should climb higher in the tree. Calvin spots the bear coming out of the brush. He says it's on its hind legs, and they only do that when they're mad. Hobbes says that's not a bear, it's Mom. Calvin panics and says that's worse. He tells Hobbes to climb higher.
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09 JUNE 1989
THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.
Mom sees Calvin in the tree and tells him to come down. Calvin doesn't want to because he thinks she'll kill him. Mom says she won't, but wants to know what happened. She asks if anyone was hurt. Calvin says no one was hurt. He says they pushed the car into the drive and it kept rolling. Mom asks if the car hit anything. Calvin says it just went into the ditch. That's when they took off. Mom says the tow truck pulled the car out, and there was no damage. He can come home now. Calvin wants to hear her say she loves him first.
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10 JUNE 1989
Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!
Lying in bed at night, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad saw what happened was an accident. Since they were relieved no one was hurt, all he got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. Calvin says parents are inscrutable. You send their car over a ditch, and you don't even get yelled at. Hobbes says "but try keeping live worms in your Dad's...". Calvin stops him and says not to talk about that.
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11 JUNE 1989
AAUGH WHAM GRRRRRR You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tigher! The question IS, how can you get the tiger BACK in the jungle?
Hobbes hears something. He springs off, running fast. Calvin is walking along, unsuspectingly. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says you can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger. Calvin, lying under Hobbes' feet, says the question is how you get the tiger back into the jungle.
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12 JUNE 1989
Here's the latest poll of household 6-year-olds, Dad. An overwhelming majority expressed amazement at how little you've accomplished as Dad so far. The impression is that you're avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. In fact, none of those polled could name a single instance of true paternal leadership. How about if I lead you upstairs to your bed? Ha ha. If we can be serious for a moment, I have some innovative ideas about my allowance.
Calvin has the latest poll results. An overwhelming majority are amazed at how little he's accomplished. The impression is that he's avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. No one polled could name a single instance of paternal leadership. Dad asks if he can lead Calvin to bed. Calvin replies he has some innovative ideas for his allowance.
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13 JUNE 1989
Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose there's a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.
Calvin is looking at ants on the sidewalk. He tells Hobbes the ants run like mad, work all day, never stopping or resting. All that to make a hill of sand that could blow away at any time. All their work would be for nothing, yet they keep building. They never give up. Hobbes suggests there's a lesson in that. Calvin agrees. He thinks the ants are morons. He heads into the house to see what's on TV.
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14 JUNE 1989
Boy, what a grouch.
Mom gets dressed, puts on earrings, applies her lipstick, and heads out the door. Calvin sprays her with a water hose. Calvin is walking away, rubbing his rear end. He says Mom is a grouch.
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15 JUNE 1989
Hi, Hobbes! Watcha doin'? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nope. I'll help. Please do.
Hobbes is lying against a tree. Calvin asks what he's doing. Hobbes replies "nothing". Calvin asks if he's doing nothing at all. Hobbes says no. Calvin says he'll help and lies down next to Hobbes.
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16 JUNE 1989
ALIENS WELCOME COME AS YOU ARE! What will you do when your parents see this? By then I hope to be halfway to the next galaxy.
Calvin has dug a message into his yard. It asks aliens to come as they are. They're welcome. Hobbes asks what Calvin will do when his parents see this. Calvin hopes to be halfway to the next galaxy by then.
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17 JUNE 1989
Oh, no! Calvin has turned into one of his own childhood drawings! His anatomical references being obscure at best, Calvin finds it difficult to move! Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His own Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter! If only Calvin had learned to draw better! No one understands my work. That's what all artists say.
Calvin has turned into one of his childhood drawings. His anatomical references being obscure, Calvin finds it hard to move. Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter. If only he'd learned to draw better. Calvin holds up a picture he drew and says no one understands his work. Mom says that's what all artists say.
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18 JUNE 1989
Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
A sparrow lands on the tree branch. This is a song sparrow. He prepares to burst forth in rapturous melody. On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese... Calvin gets tossed out the door of the house.
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19 JUNE 1989
Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room like I asked you to? No. So when you say you're going "out", you really mean you're going back to clean your room, right? English must not be her first language.
Mom asks where Calvin is going. He says "out". Mom asks if he picked up his room like she asked him to. He says "no". Mom asks for clarification. She says so when Calvin says "out", he really means he's going back upstairs to clean his room. Calvin stands in his messy room and complains that English must not be her first language.
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20 JUNE 1989
What are you doing down here again? Didn't I just send you to clean your room?! Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold STUPENDOUS MAN! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady! Ha ha ha! Oh yeah? ! Great Zok! She's fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! I'm suddenly filled with the desire to go back upstairs and do her nefarious bidding! Glad to hear it.
Mom asks Calvin why he's back downstairs. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies "Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold Stupendous Man! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady". Mom bends down and gives Calvin a nasty look. She says "Oh, yeah". Calvin stumbles up the stairs with eyes spinning. He says her mind-scrambling eyeball ray has him going back upstairs to do her nefarious bidding.
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21 JUNE 1989
"Clean up your room! Clean up your room!" That's all I ever hear! It's MY room, right?!? If I don't mind the mess, what business is it of anyone else?! This is tyranny! I HATE cleaning my room! It's going to take me all DAY to do this! Ooh, this makes me mad! A whole day shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Gone! AARGH! Are you kidding? How could this possibly take all day? Heck, it'll be another hour before I'm even through griping.
Calvin is complaining to Hobbes about being told to clean up his room. He says it's his room. If he doesn't care, why should anyone else. He calls it tyranny. He says it will take all day to clean it. A whole day wasted, shot, down the drain. Hobbes asks how this could possibly take all day. Calvin says it will be another hour before he's through griping.
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22 JUNE 1989
Cleaning my room will go a lot faster if we BOTH work, right? So I'll sit here and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing... ... you know, making the tough calls and the hard decisious. You won't have to do any of that. All YOU do then is pick up what I tell you to, OK? HEY! Did I SAY to pick up me?! No, as a matter of fact, I didn't! Get away from that trash can! I'M the organizer! HEY!
Calvin thinks the room cleaning will go faster if both he and Hobbes work. Calvin offers to sit and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing. He'll make all the hard decisions, and Hobbes won't have to. All Hobbes has to do is pick up what Calvin tells him to. Hobbes picks up Calvin. Calvin tells him he didn't say to pick him. He tells Hobbes to get away from that trash can.
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23 JUNE 1989
I CLEANED UP MY STUPID ROOM! CAN I GO OUTSIDE NOW?! That didn't take very long. Let's se what kind of job you did. I did a GREAT job! See? Can I go now? Your room looks good. Now did you straighten up your closet like I asked you to? AAUGH! Don't open thaa... Back to work, kiddo. YOU made THIS mess! YOU can clean it up!
Calvin yells that he cleaned his room. He wants to go outside. Mom says it didn't take very long. She wants a look to see what kind of job he did. Calvin says he did a great job. Mom says the room looks clean. She then asks if he straightened up the closet like she asked. Calvin yells for her not to open the door. Too late. Mom is buried by all the stuff Calvin threw in there. Mom tells him to go back to work. Calvin complains that she made this mess, so she should clean it up.
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24 JUNE 1989
WHACK Our favorite games are the ones we don't understand! You missed a wicket! No goal! No goal!
Hobbes rolls a croquet ball, Calvin hits it with the mallet. Calvin runs around the wickets. Calvin says best games are the ones they don't understand. Hobbes chases him with the ball in his hand, saying Calvin missed a wicket so he doesn't get a goal.
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25 JUNE 1989
You're out! I think the bases are too darn far apart. Ahh, you're just a big sissy.
Calvin runs around the house, slides down the ditch, runs over the stream, climbs through the fence, runs around the trees, and dives toward a rock. Hobbes tags him out. Calvin complains the bases are too far apart. Hobbes calls him a big sissy.
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26 JUNE 1989
HELP! A BEE! A BEE! Run for your life! Hobbes! Did you see it?? It was the biggest bee in the whole world! It was the size of a Kaiser roll! It must've weighed 70 pounds! It sounded like a helicopter and it's stinger was like a harpoon! I must've been a killer death bee! Man, I'm lucky it didn't get me! Life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. If you'd seen it, you'd have been scared too.
Calvin runs up to Hobbes saying there was a bee. It was the size of a Kaiser roll and must have weighed 70 pounds. He says it sounded like a helicopter, and it's stinger was like a harpoon. He says it must have been a killer death bee. Hobbes offers that life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'd seen it, he would be scared, too.
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27 JUNE 1989
I can't imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who's going to be impressed.
Calvin has a yo-yo. It goes down, and it stops. He shakes it, trying to get it to move. It doesn't. Calvin says he can't imaging mastering the skills involved without a clearer understanding of who will be impressed.
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28 JUNE 1989
I saw the man oin the moon tonight. Mm. I didn't know the moon made faces. That's "phases".
Calvin looks at the moon, which is sticking its tongue out at him. Then the moon makes a funny face at him. Calvin tells Dad he saw the man in the moon tonight. Calvin says he didn't know the moon made faces. Dad says that's "phases".
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29 JUNE 1989
The giant pteranodon hops to the edge of the cliff. There he spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air! Soaring high over the prehistoric valley, the pteranodon is truly a majestic sight! That's it, think majestic! I'm thinking we should've picked a smaller cliff!
The giant pteradon hops to the edge of the cliff. He spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air. Soaring high, the pteradon is a majestic sight. Hobbes yells to "think majestic". Calvin, holding onto a collapsing umbrella over the cliff, yells back that they should have picked a smaller cliff.
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30 JUNE 1989
It's too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. That's what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding.
Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside.
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01 JULY 1989
Give me some cookies, or I soak you with this water balloon! Why, you little thug! Don't you threaten your mother! And don't even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! I'll bet I'd have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT.
Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.
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02 JULY 1989
CLICK Uh oh... The sky is a deep orange! Calvin's skin is a pale green! Yellow flowers are now blue! Every color is the opposite of what it should be! Calvin has been transferred to a color film negative! His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher! Dveeloper! I need a developer! Doggone it, Calvin! That's ANOTHER picture ruined! Can't you look pleasant for 1/500th of a second?!
The sky is orange, Calvin's skin is green. Yellow flowers are now blue. Every color is the opposite of what it should be. Calvin has been turned into a color film negative. His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher. He grabs his throat and acts like he's choking. Dad is trying to get a picture of him. Dad complains that Calvin just ruined another photo. He asks if Calvin can't look pleasant for 1/500th of a second.
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03 JULY 1989
IT'S JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I don't think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! It's a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!
Calvin runs along yelling it's July already. He wonders what happened to June. Summer vacation is slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He wants to hoard his freedom. Calvin's eyes bulge with worry that time rushes on. Hobbes says he doesn't want to be there at the end of August. Calvin keeps running around yelling it's a half-hour later than it was a half hour ago. Run!
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04 JULY 1989
Mom took me to the library today, Dad. That's nice. Did you get out a book? Yep. It's great! I had no idea books could be so much fun. And you'll learn things, too. I'll say! My book says that this one wasp lays its eggs on a spider, so when the egg hatches, the larva ieats the spider, savings the vital organs for the last, so the spider stays alive while it's being devoured! Gross, huh? Isn't there a street corner where he can hang out instead? And color pictures, too! Want to see 'em?
At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead.
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05 JULY 1989
I'm destined for greatness. I just know it. "Calvin the Great," they'll call me. And think how lucky YOU'LL be! You'll get to tell everyone how you knew me as a kid! What a privilege! In fact, all the papers and magazines will probably want to interview you to find out what I'm really like. And boy, will you have to cough up to keep me quiet. And what's THAT supposed to mean?!
Calvin tells Hobbes he knows he's destined for greatness. Calvin the Great, they'll call him. He tells Hobbes that he'll get to tell everyone he knew Calvin as a kid. He figures all the papers will want to interview Hobbes to find out what Calvin is really like. Hobbes says Calvin will really have to cough up to keep him quiet. Calvin asks what that's supposed to mean.
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06 JULY 1989
Dad, how does a light bulb work? Magic. Didn't you say that's how the vacuum cleaner works? Right. They're both magic. You just don't KNOW how they work. I'll bet. Fine. Don't believe your own father, who's been around a lot longer than you. Look Mom, magic! That's not magic!
Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic.
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07 JULY 1989
When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here, I'd skoosh him.
Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1989
WHAP I DID IT! I CAUGHT IT! I'm out.
Calvin tosses a ball into the air. He hits it, drops the bat, picks up a glove, and races to catch the ball. He does. Calvin realizes that means he's out.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1989
Darlinggg, I'm home! And I brought a surprise! Let's hope it's a divorce! Darling, I stopped at the hospital on the way home from work. Don't call me "Darling,"OK? I brought home our new baby! A BABY?! I don't want a baby! What shall we name him? Our baby is a RABBIT?!? How come we have a rabbit?! He's NOT a rabbit, he's a little boy! We'll call him "Jeffrey," OK? He looks like a rabbit to ME. Well, just PRETEND he's a baby! NO! This is idiotic! I refuse!! Playing "house"makes me sick! I'm leaving! I don't see why you'll play pretend with your dumb ol'tiger but not with Mr Bun!
A woman comes home and tells her husband that she stopped at the hospital on the way home. She brought home their new baby. The husband doesn't want a baby. The woman cuddles the baby, which is actually a rabbit. The husband wonders why their baby is a rabbit. The woman says it's not a rabbit, it's a baby boy. The husband says it looks like a rabbit to him. The woman wants to pretend it's a baby. The husband says he won't. Calvin walks away, saying playing "house" makes him sick. Susie doesn't understand why he'll pretend with his tiger, but not with Mr. Bun.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1989
WUM WUM WUM How's it going? Fine. Close the lid. Everything stops when you open it. I wish MY bathtub had an agitator.
Calvin is sitting on the washing machine. He opens the lid and asks Hobbes how it's going. Hobbes tells him it's fine. He tells him to close the lid, since everything stops when you lift it. Calvin laments that his bathtub doesn't have an agitator.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1989
Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Gather the TRASH?!? What am I, your personal SLAVE?! Why can't YOU do it? Fine, I will. And YOU can start washing your OWN clothes, and fixing your OWN meals, and picking up your OWN toys, and making your OWN bed, and cleaning up your OWN messes, day after day after DAY! Some women just weren't meant to be mothers.
Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks if he's her personal slave. He asks why she can't do it. Mom replies that he can start washing his own clothes, fix his own meals, pick up his own toys, make his own bed, and clean his own messes, day after day after day. Carrying the laundry basket, Calvin says some women just weren't meant to be mothers.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1989
Whenever I cook an egg, I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open, so I don't have any depth perception. It's pretty hard that way. See, the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Let's see if there's another carton in the fridge, will ya?
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1989
What are you writing? I'm telling these companies I intend to boycott from all their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show I find offensive. By golly, if these companies are going to support objectionable TV programs, I'll take my business elsewhere. Maybe I can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Why don't you just not watch the show? This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's writing. He's writing to companies warning them he'll boycott their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show he finds offensive. He says if these companies are going to support objectionable TV shows, he'll take his business elsewhere. He tells Hobbes maybe he can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just not watch the show. Calvin says this clean, wholesome television makes him sick.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1989
I never liked ice cream cones too much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and suck out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldn't believe some of the awful noices you can make, and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In MY book, food should be nutrition AND entertainment. That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running.
Calvin tells Hobbes he never liked ice cream cones very much until he discovered a new way to eat them. He bites off the bottom and sucks out the ice cream as it melts. He says you wouldn't believe the awful noises you can make, and it gets sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In Calvin's book, food should be nutrition and entertainment. Hobbes says that's why tigers like their food surprised and running.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1989
I'm so smart it's almost scary. I guess I'm a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
Calvin says he's so smart, it's scary. He says he is a child progeny. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says most children are. Calvin wonders what he means, Hobbes says nothing. Calvin says people think it's fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes asks if Calvin's pants zipper shouldn't be in front.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1989
FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1989
Well, there's no delaying the inevitable. Let's get in the car. Where are we going? The same place we go EVERY summer: camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. AGAIN? Yep. This is how Dad likes to unwind. With everyone complaining? Right. He likes to watch us suffer.
In his bedroom, Calvin tells Hobbes there's no delaying the inevitable. He tells him to get in the car. Hobbes asks where they're going. Calvin tells him the same place they go every summer, camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. Calvin says that's how Dad likes to unwind. Hobbes asks "With everyone complaining". Calvin says Dad likes to watch them all suffer.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1989
Look, Dad. There's a town coming up. See the sign? Why don't we pull off, find a nice motel, and just stay THERE for our vacation? We could swim in the pool and have air conditioning and color cable TV and room service! No one would have to know we didn't camp! I wouldn't tell anyone! We could even go to the store, buy a big fish, take your picture with it, and say you caught it! Can't we, Dad? Can't we turn off here? Yes, let's! Now don't YOU start!
Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1989
Ta da! We're here! Good ol' itchy island". Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. ... if all this character doesn't kill me first. That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.
Dad pulls up the canoe and says they're here. Calvin says it's good ol' "Itchy Island", home of the nuclear mosquitos. Dad says bug bites build character. Calvin reminds him that last year Dad said diarrhea builds character. Dad wants Calvin to think of what a fine young man he's growing up to be. Calvin agrees, if building all this character doesn't kill him first. Dad asks Calvin to open the duffel bag and get out the Spam. Calvin tells him that if the canoe is gone in the morning, it means Hobbes and he struck out for home.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1989
Boy, it's great to be here! This is the life! I think I'll jump in for a swim. Want to join me? No, thanks. Aw, c'mon. It'll feel great. Right. That lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Hey, let's go for a swim. Sure, Dad. I'd love to start the week with a little hypothermia. I think what I like best about vacations is the family togetherness.
Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1989
Wake up, Calvin. It's 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. It's a beautiful morning. The sun's barely up and there's a mist over the water. It's perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Don't you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. You've got to get up early if you want to catch anything. C'mon, the canoe's all ready and I've got your fishing rod. MOM, make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1989
Well, I guess that's enough gishing for now. Mmm, I can't wait to get back and have breakfast! I can almost smell the coffee from here! What a life! Hey, where IS every... THERE'S GOING TO BE A SMALL MOUTH BASS FLOPPING IN SOME SLEEPING BAGS IN A MINUTE OR TWO! You know, I really like it when you go off to work in the mornings. It's 6:30 already! Are you people going to waste the whole day?
Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1989
Ahh... a day at the late! This will be great! I still don't see why we can't just sit in the car with the air conditioner on. I'M GETTING SAND IN MY SUIT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH! THIS WATER'S TOO COLD! I'M FREEZING TO DEATH! OUT HERE THERE'S TOO MUCH SUN! I'LL GET SUNBURNED! THIS LOTION MAKES ME GREAY AND MY SHIRT MAKES ME TOO HOT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE SHADE! THIS IS BORING! I HATE WALKING! MY LEGS ARE TIRED AND THE SAND IS TOO HOT AND THE WATER IS TOO COLD AND THERE'S NO SHADE HERE AND I'VE STILL GOT SAND IN MY SUIT! What? Are we going already?
Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already.
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24 JULY 1989
I'll bet I'm missing some great TV shows.
Calvin is sitting on a rock with Hobbes looking at the sun set. There are birds flying, a few clouds in the sky, rock outcroppings and woods all around. Calvin says he bets he's missing some great TV shows.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1989
Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. You're giving your harmonica skills a real run for the money. Who asked you?
Calvin asks Dad if he's painting a picture. Dad says yes. Calvin looks at the picture, then looks at the scene Dad is painting. Calvin says Dad is giving his harmonica playing skills a real run for the money.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1989
SNIFF SNIFF Z Hey, what are you doing? Are you awake? Sniff sniff smack smack You're dreaming, stupid. Wake up. Mm! Why yes, thank you, some good fresh fish would hit the spot! Ooh, there's a nice big 'one! AAUGH! I don't care WHAT all your clothes smell like! I'm not washing anything now! Go to bed!
Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1989
Ooh, these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Don't scratch the bites or you'll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? It's driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!
Calvin is scratching. He says the bugs are awful. Hobbes tells him not to scratch, or he'll make the bites worse. Calvin asks Hobbes what he's supposed to do. The itching is driving him crazy. Hobbes tells him to think of something else. Calvin asks what. Hobbes suggests something like stepping out of all that poison ivy. Calvin yells that he hates this place.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1989
OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV.
Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1989
This vacation sure went quickly. I can't believe it's time to go home so soon. After being out here, it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization, won't it? Man, I can't wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg, huh? Someday I'm going to get my DNA tested and see if he's really my kid. Take my word for it.
As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1989
Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff. Oh. That's why the rocks there are so red. Don't the people get burned up? No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well, time for bed. I hope someday I'm as smart as Dad is. Why, what did he tell you now?
Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1989
Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1989
You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up.
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02 AUG 1989
MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!
Calvin tells Mom there is a big horsefly on her head. He tells her not to move. He runs off, goes upstairs, and returns with his plastic dart pistol. He asks if the fly is still there.
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03 AUG 1989
Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!
Calvin and Hobbes are in their tree fort. Calvin says they're bloodthirsty pirates. Calvin calls avast, ye scurvy dogs. He tells Hobbes to hoist the Jolly Roger and ready the plank. Hobbes hands Calvin a small knit sock. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes tells him "our booty" and starts laughing.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1989
Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
Calvin asks Mom if she knew gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface. He explains that heavy matter, like planets sink into the surface, and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is deflected by gravity. Then he adds that he dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when his roller skates slipped. As Mom mops up the mess, she wonders how kids can know so much, yet be so dumb.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1989
You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin thinks the world should have been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There would just be fewer people and animals to begin with. Calvin adds the world could have used a more even distribution of resources. Hobbes wonders why no one consulted Calvin.
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06 AUG 1989
No text
Hobbes pitches the baseball to Calvin. It sails over his head, but Hobbes calls him out. Calvin protests. They get in each other's face and kick dirt on each other. They fight until they're exhausted. Calvin decides to try something else. He gets a step ladder, stands on it with his bat, and gets ready for the pitch.
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07 AUG 1989
I performed a scientific experiment today. You know how maps always show north as up and south as down? I wanted to see if that was true or no. What did you find out? Not much. Your compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. MY compass?! Let me know when you get a new one. My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks.
Calvin tells Dad he performed a scientific experiment today. He wanted to see if it's true that north is up and south is down, like what maps show. Dad asks what he found out. Calvin tells him not much. Dad's compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. Calvin walks away telling Dad to let him know when he's replaced it. His junior scientist book told him not to be discouraged by temporary setbacks.
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08 AUG 1989
I've been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it's a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole "Dad" stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy's in trouble! Maybe Dad's a masked superhero! If that's true, he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesn't even have a cassette deck.
Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this "Dad" stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck.
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09 AUG 1989
There's the stegosaurus out front! There's the National History museum. Hooray! I can't wait to see all the dinosaurs! C'mon. Let's hurry! It's certainly been a while since we've been here, hasn't it? At the museum's request, yes. Oh, that's right. Calvin, no biting people this time, remember? RROWRR
The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.
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10 AUG 1989
What kind of dinosaur did you say this was? It's a stegosaurus! He looks pretty ferocious. No, he was a plant eater. The tail spikes were for self-defense. Oh. Did tyrannosaurs fight these? Of course not, Mom! Turannosaurs came millions of years later! Look, try not to embarrass me when we go inside, OK? Why are we going here if he already knows everything?
Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.
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11 AUG 1989
Look, Hobbes, here's an ancestor of YOURS! A saber-toothed tiger! Ha ha, I'll bet HE was popular! If anyone needed to open a can of juice, they'd just put him over it and hit him on the head! Ha ha! Hee hee, I'll bet they died out because they couldn't understand each other! They pwobabbyy dokked wike diff! Ha ha ha! ... all in all, though, they were undoubtedly the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.
Calvin shows Hobbes a saber-toothed tiger. Calvin makes fun of it by saying anyone needing a can of juice opened would just put him over it and hit his head. Calvin continues by saying they probably died out because they couldn't understand each other. He makes a face and shows his teeth. Hobbes grabs Calvin by the shirt and frowns at him. Calvin quickly points out that all in all, they were the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1989
Look, Mom. The museum has a gift shop! Can I buy something? They've got dinosaur models, dinosaur T-shirts, dinosaur posters... I don't think you need any more dinosaur stuff, Calvin. But Mom, it's all EDUCATIONAL! You want me to LEARN, don't you?? Boy, she fell for THAT one. I'll say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way.
Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1989
WUMP! WONNKK... I sh... shouldn't have wa... watched.
Hobbes stretches, yawns, arches his back, scratches his ear, curls around, and plops on the floor. He falls asleep. Calvin, reading a book on the sofa near Hobbes starts yawning and says he shouldn't have watched.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1989
Oh no, you don't! There's only room for one in this pool and I was here first! If YOU want to cool off, you'll just have to jump in the sprinkler. Fine! I'll DO that. ! Doggone it, I didn't mean for you to have FUN!
Hobbes comes over to join Calvin in the kiddie pool. Calvin tells him there isn't enough room. He tells Hobbes if he wants to cool off, he'll have to jump in the sprinkler. Hobbes marches off and says he'll do that. Calvin watches him. Calvin darts out of the pool, running toward Hobbes. He yells that he didn't mean for Hobbes to have fun.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1989
Z Z CRAACKK BOOM What do you think? A thunderstorm, or a space alien ray gun invasion? Whichever, tell me when it's over.
Calvin and Hobbes are soundly sleeping. Suddenly, there is a big CRACK! Light fills the room. Then there is a big BOOM! Calvin and Hobbes fly up into the air. They get under the bed. Calvin asks if it's a thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion. Hobbes doesn't care and just wants to know when it's over.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1989
How's it coming? Slow. This dirt is real hard. Well, that's a pretty good start. But I've been digging all morning! This is going to take forever! Maybe you'll have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Yeah. This would kill you if you went off the high dive. It's too bad. Mom would've really been surprised to have an olympic pool where her garden used to be. Maybe she'll be surprised anyway.
Calvin is digging a hole. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin tells him the dirt is pretty hard. Hobbes thinks he's made a good start. Calvin says he's been digging all morning. It's going to take forever. Hobbes suggests Calvin will have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Calvin agrees, saying you'd be killed diving off the high dive into that pool. He laments the fact saying Mom would have been surprised to have an Olympic pool where her garden used to be. Hobbes tells him that maybe she'll be surprised anyway.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1989
There! A gull pitcher of "Calvin's curative elixir"! We'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich! But that's just dirty water from the drainage ditch! There are leaves in it! "Fortified with chlorophyll", we'll say. Nobody's going to pay to drink that! Anyone can see it's filthy! It's sludge! Hmm... maybe you're right. PiTCHER of PLaGUE. Calvin's DeBiLitatiNG DiSEaSE DRiNK! $1.00 Not TO HaVE aNY
Calvin tells Hobbes about "Calvin's Curative Elixir". He figures he'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich. Hobbes tells him it's just dirty water from the drainage ditch. There are leaves in it. Calvin thinks they'll say "Fortified with Chlorophyll". Hobbes tells him no one will pay to drink that water. Anyone can see it's filthy. He calls it sludge. Calvin says maybe he's right. Calvin sits at a stand with the dirty water in a pitcher on the stand. The sign on the stand reads "Pitcher of Plague. Calvin's Debilitating Drink! $1.00 not to have any".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1989
I've decided not to go to school this fall. I don't need an education. I don't need to learn things. I don't need to develop skills. It's too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you don't know anything and you don't have any skills?! I'll go on talk shows and hype myself.
Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1989
Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed!
Mom is on her knees, newspaper on the floor, getting ready to paint the wall. She complains that there are times she hates owning a house because of the maintenance. Painting walls, fixing roofs, spraying trees, it seems like the place is falling apart. She sees Calvin drilling holes in the other wall, and she gives chase. She adds that what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1989
A 30-ton brontosaurus ... is about to face a premature extinction! The allosaurus, fearsome predator of the jurassic, stalks his prey! The herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence! Spotting a straggler, the allosaurus lunges! The brontosaurus rears to its full gigantic height! What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size?! I'm HUNGRY! The hamburgers are cooking, Now get off me!
The allosaurus stalks his prey. A herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence. The allosaurus lunges at a straggler. The brontosaurus rises to its full height. What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size? Calvin jumps on Dad's back and yells that he's hungry. Dad is standing at the grill. He says he's cooking the hamburgers and tells Calvin to get off him.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1989
Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
Calvin the hummingbird, zips by with a whir. Though small, he puts out tremendous energy. Concentrated sugar water fuels his incredible metabolism. He drinks half his weight each day. Calvin says "Preferably loaded with caffeine" as he gets a soda from the refrigerator.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1989
"Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. "Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story". Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1989
What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1989
WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.
Calvin hits the ball and leisurely walks the bases. He walks with his hands in his pocket and strolls along. He's on home plate before Hobbes can tag him. He tells Hobbes he's too late. He's gotten another home run. Hobbes, panting, says he's going to quit if they don't stop using a tennis ball.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1989
AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!
Calvin is walking along under a tree. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces from the tree onto Calvin. They fight. Hobbes pins him down and tells him he should be more alert. He tells Calvin he wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. Calvin replies that's why he lives here and calls Hobbes a dolt.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1989
What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1989
HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1989
Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
Calvin tells Hobbes Mom asked him to make his bed. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him. Calvin tells him to get some pencils while he gets paper. Hobbes thought they were going to make his bed. Calvin doesn't want to do all that work. They're going to invent a robot to make the bed for them. Hobbes wonders if that won't be more work than making the bed. Calvin replies it's only work if somebody makes you do it.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1989
How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
Hobbes wonders how they'll invent a robot if they don't know anything about machines. Calvin says it's easy. There are four simple machines to alter force: the lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and the internal combustion engine. He tells Hobbes he's an expert. Hobbes asks where they should start. Calvin says by asking Mom for a research grant.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1989
Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
Calvin asks Mom if he can look at her wallet. She asks if he cleaned his room. Calvin says he's inventing a robot to make the bed, but he needs a grant. He asks for $50. As Calvin enters the bedroom, Hobbes asks if she gave him the money. Calvin says that when they're the cover story for Popular Mechanics, he'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1989
OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?
Calvin decides the first thing the robot needs is a head. Hobbes suggests a coffee can. Calvin says the head has to be big enough for a tape recorder. He's made recordings for the robot's voice. Calvin says that in addition to communicating, they can program the robot to have the proper personality. Hobbes wonders what he means. Calvin says robots should be respectful. He turns on the tape recorder which says "How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master".
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1989
Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
Calvin tells Dad he's inventing a robot and asks if Dad can get him a patent. Calvin shows their robot. It's Tinkertoys with a coffee can head. He says he's been working on it all afternoon. He says it's not perfected yet. Dad asks what it does. Calvin admits they haven't figured out a way to make it do what he wants. Dad says not to be discouraged. He and Mom got the same results after working on Calvin for six years.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1989
Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!
Calvin suggests to Hobbes they give up. They can't figure out how to make a robot. Mom comes over and tells Calvin it's past bedtime. He has to leave his toys for tomorrow. Going up the stairs, Calvin laments they spent all day on it. He thought their robot would save him from making the bed. As they walk into the bedroom, Hobbes tells Calvin that in a way, it did. The bed is still unmade from the morning.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1989
How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
Spaceman Spiff is going down over planet Gork. The planet is inhabited. Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond. Our hero's going to crash. This spells disaster! Calvin is startled by the teacher calling his name. He spells disaster. The teacher congratulates him for paying attention. Once again, Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day. The teacher tells him he can sit down. He's standing on his chair, fists clenched together.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1989
Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1989
Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
Susie asks Calvin if he's excited about going to school. Susie shows the new notebooks and school supplies she has. Calvin rants that they won't make him learn a foreign language. He says if English is good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Calvin folds his arms across his chest and says everyone should speak English or just shut up. Susie suggests he check the chemical content of his breakfast cereal. Calvin says they can make him go through grade eight, then he's outta here.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1989
The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by scum beings. Spiff's only chance is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing next to Calvin, who's clapping the erasers together into a billowing cloud. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1989
I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
Moe wants the truck Calvin is playing with. Calvin tells Moe he can't just take something because he's bigger than others. Moe cocks his fist and tells Calvin he's not taking it. He says Calvin is going to give it to him. They'll both be much happier that way. After Moe leaves, Calvin says "How touching".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1989
What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
Calvin gets off the school bus saying "What a day". As he opens the door, Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that things are so darn quiet when he's not around. Calvin cocks his fist and says there's going to be some ruckus now.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1989
Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1989
First down and one yard to go. Only one yard? Yeah, the neighbours won't let us play in THEIR yard. HIKE! Go out long! FUMBLE! Oops, whose team was I when I recovered the ball? It doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.
Hobbes is running with the football. Calvin tries to make the tackle. Calvin doesn't slow Hobbes down. Calvin gets run over and holds Hobbes' tail. Finally, Calvin falls off. Calvin waves Hobbes away. They are playing chess, and Calvin says he's decided to be an intellectual.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1989
Calvin, would you lead the class in the pledge of allegiance? NO! What did the Supreme Court decide about that? Is this a prayer? Don't you have to read me my rights? I don't have to keep up with this stuff! I'm just a kid! I'm only here because my parents make me go! I don't want to be a test case! I don't even know what court district I'm in! Call on someone else! Calvin? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin will lead the class in the Pledge of Allegiance. Calvin asks what the Supreme Court decided about that. He asks if it's a prayer. He asks if she has to read him his rights. He complains that he's only there because his parents make him go. He doesn't want to be a test case. He says he doesn't even know what court district he's in. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.
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The Revenge of the Baby-SatThe Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1989
Moe, give me my truck back. It's not yours. It is NOW. You gave it to me. I didn't have much choice, DID I?! It was either the truck or get punched. So? So I only "gave" it to you because you're bigger and meaner than me! Yeah? ... so? The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. You're saying you changed your mind about getting punched?
Calvin goes back to get his toy truck. He tells Moe it's not his. Moe says that it is because Calvin gave it to him. Calvin replies that he didn't have much of a choice. It was either give up the truck or get punched. He explains he only gave it to Moe because Moe is bigger and meaner than he. Moe says "So". Calvin declares that the forensic marvel has reduced his logic to shambles. Moe cocks his fist and wonders if Calvin is changing his mind about getting punched.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1989
That no-good, rotten Moe! He won't give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it, too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong, but HE stole it from ME, and if I DON'T steal it back, Moe will just keep it, and that's not fair. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.
Calvin complains that Moe won't return his truck. He wonders if he should steal it back, since stealing is wrong. If he doesn't steal it back, Moe will keep it and that's not fair, either. Calvin wonders what you're supposed to do if two wrongs don't make a right. Do you let the biggest guy make his own rules all the time? Calvin sits down and says that sounds reasonable.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1989
By golly, I AM going to steal my truck back from Moe! It's mine and he has no right to have it! I'll just sneak up behind the swings here, and when Moe's not looking, I'll run up, grab the truck and take off. This playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
Calvin decides to steal his truck back. He sneaks up to the swings and plans to run up, grab the truck, and take off. He awaits his chance. He thinks his playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1989
OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1989
Phooey, who am I kidding? I'd never get away with stealing my truck back from Moe. The ugly galoot is the size of a buick. Hmm... since I can't FIGHT him, maybe I should try TALKING to him. Maybe if I reasoned with him, he'd see MY side. Maybe he'd realize that stealing hurts people, and maybe he'd return my truck WILLINGLY. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I won't go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
Calvin wonders who he's kidding. He'll never get away with stealing his truck back. He says Moe is an ugly galoot the size of a Buick. Since he can't fight Moe, he thinks he could talk to him. Maybe Moe would see his side if he reasoned with him. Maybe Moe will realize stealing hurts people, and he'll return the truck willingly. Calvin says maybe if he's really lucky, he won't have to go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1989
Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
Calvin starts to eat his dinner. He holds the food in his mouth. He takes a drink. His cheeks puff out. His eyes get wide. He looks back and forth. He ducks under the table. He looks relieved, and his mouth is empty. Mom tells Dad she wants him to look at that discolored spot on the rug. She says it seems to be getting bigger all the time. Calvin asks if he can leave the table right now.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1989
Listen, Moe, that's my truck, and I want it back! Yeah? Yeah! It's my favorite truck. You had no right to take it! Yeah? Yeah! So give it back! NOW! I'll fight you for it. I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. C'mon, wimp!
Calvin walks up to Moe and demands his truck back. Calvin says it's his favorite truck, and Moe had no right to take it. Calvin tells him to give it back now. Moe offers to fight Calvin for it. Calvin bets his autopsy reveals that his mouth is too big.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1989
I'm not going to fight you, Moe! If you won't give me my truck back, FINE! Go ahead and keep it! You're the one who has to live with yourself! I can't make you do what's right! You can HAVE the stupid truck! OK, thanks! Heh heh. Hey, Kid, if you're not gonna swing, get off and let someone ELSE on, huh?
Calvin won't fight Moe. He tells Moe that if he won't give the truck back, he can have it. He tells Moe he'll have to live with himself. Calvin can't make him do what's right. Calvin sits on the swing. Another kid comes up behind Calvin and tells him that if he's not going to swing, get off and let someone else on.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1989
... so Moe stole my truck, and when I tried to get it back, Moe wanted to fight me for it. I didn't want to fight, so I walked away and Moe kept my truck. I don't understand it, Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean? Why is it that some people don't care what's wrong and right? Why don't people try to be nice to each other? The problem with people is that they're only human. Well, you're lucky you don't have to BE one.
Calvin explains what happened to Hobbes. He says Moe stole his truck, and when he went to get it back, Moe wanted to fight. Calvin didn't want to fight, so he walked away. He asks Hobbes what makes some people so greedy and mean. He asks why some people don't care what's wrong or what's right. Hobbes offers that the problem with people is that they're only human. Calvin says Hobbes is lucky that he doesn't have to be one.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1989
You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. That's why animals are so soft and huggy. ...yeah..
Sitting under a tree, Calvin says sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Hobbes tells him that's why animals are so soft and huggy. Calvin hugs him and says "yeah".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1989
MOM! MOMM! What is it? What's the matter? Hobbes had a bad dream. You woke me up at 2 A.M. because your suffed tiger had a bad dream?!? He dreamed he was so hungry, he ate us allup. I must be having a bad dream. Don't you think you should make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case?
Mom wakes up to Calvin yelling for her. When she checks on him, he tells her that Hobbes had a bad dream. Mom is angry that Calvin woke her up at 2:00 AM because he thinks his stuffed tiger had a bad dream. Calvin explains that Hobbes dreamed he was hungry and ate them all up. Mom walks back to her room, saying she must be having a bad dream. Calvin asks if she shouldn't make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1989
Know what, Dad? At the fresh fish counter in the supermarket, you can buy real squid. They have them in a bucket. They're really gross. Mm, I'll bet. CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Calvin tells Dad that at the fresh fish counter at the supermarket, you can buy real squid. He says they're pretty gross. Dad says he bets. Calvin walks away. Dad turns around in his chair and wonders what Calvin is doing.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1989
That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of their last meeting. Hobbes mentions much nonsense and commotion from dictator-for-life Calvin. Hobbes keeps reading that president-and-first-tiger Hobbes offered a reasonable solution, which elicits a response from Calvin that Hobbes had told him to jump in the lake. Hobbes reads that the dictator received his comeuppance. Calvin says the minutes are lies. They fight, calling each other chowderhead, moron, ogre, and fleabag. They call a truce as they are exhausted. They climb down declaring another productive meeting. What a great club!
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1989
Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1989
DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1989
Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.
Calvin is upset Mom and Dad left them with the baby sitter. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she remembers how they threatened to flush Rosalyn's notes down the toilet. Calvin laughs, calling it their finest moment. Rosalyn opens the door and tells Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin protests that it's not even 6:30 yet. In bed, Hobbes says she remembers. Calvin says he's going to call the rescue squad.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1989
Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1989
See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1989
CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??
Rosalyn yells in for Calvin to let her inside. From the top window, Calvin taunts her by saying there's only a 50% chance of rain. Hobbes notices her trying to open the downstairs windows. Calvin already has locked them. Rosalyn looks in the window and tells Calvin to open the door. Calvin asks what's in Rosalyn's purse and says he's going to look.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1989
Hmm... For THIS patient, I'm going to need more tongue depressors.All right, what's wrong with you? ... like I care. My foot hurts, Doctor. Your FOOT hurts? What kind of a stupid problem is THAT?! You're the doctor! You're supposed to find out what's wrong with it. It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a doctor. A LOBOTOMY?! That's not what a REAL doctor would say! Yeah? Who's wearing the stethescope, you or me? Here's a mallet. Do you want anesthesia? Wh... that's to test REFLEXES! Y-you don't know ANYTHING! How about a SHOT then? Like a shot in the mouth? That does it! I know more about medicine than you! I'll be the doctor now! Ow! Ow! Quit kicking! See, that's why your dumb foot hurts! Stop it! Say it! Sai I'm the doctor! OK, you're the doctor! But I'm not going to be any patient of YOURS! I'm leaving! Fine! Good riddance! You ruin everything! The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. I'D be Susie's patient!
It's recess and there's a tyrannosaurus on the playground. The kids at the top of the slide go first. They had pushed and fought each other to be there. Teachers line the kids up to go inside. That's a sad mistake. The kids are gobbled up like Children McNuggets. The playground is empty. The tyrannosaur lets out a triumphant roar. Miss Wormwood sees Calvin's empty desk and wonders where he is. One of the kids in the class sees him by the swings yelling or something.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1989
CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!
Rosalyn yells in that she's going to tell Calvin's parents about this. Calvin yells down for Rosalyn to pipe down. He and Hobbes can hardly hear the TV. Rosalyn says that he isn't supposed to be watching TV. Calvin offers that if she'll go get a VCR and a movie, they'll put the TV near a window so she can watch. Rosalyn shakes the door knob. Calvin asks if she's 18. He wants her to get "Venusian Vampire Vixens".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1989
CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
The phone rings inside the house. Rosalyn hopes it's Calvin's parents. She yells in that she hopes they ask to speak with her. Calvin says it's her boyfriend, Charlie. He offers to say she's indisposed. She wants to talk with Charlie. Calvin asks Chas if he isn't settling for too little in the girlfriend department.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1989
Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.
At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1989
Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1989
It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1989
Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.
In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he got in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes, making Mom and Dad late, locking Rosalyn out of the house. Calvin says that's a lot to live down for just one evening. He feels pretty bad. Hobbes adds that having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1989
Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1989
Man, this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? It's impossible! ... Impossible?? Why, NOTHING'S impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum
Calvin is reading his homework. He says it's boring. He asks how he's ever going to read three whole pages by tomorrow. It's impossible. He hits his book and says nothing's impossible...for Stupendous Man. He runs out of the room.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1989
YES! It's ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MAN's 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! It's TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision, the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning, the caped combatant conclused thatere's no need for homework, if there's no school tomorrow!
It's Stupendous Man, lover of liberty. He notices Calvin (his 6-yr-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read. It's tyranny! Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with his high-speed vision, he has a bolder plan. The caped combatant concludes there's no need for homework if there is no school tomorrow.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1989
A blinding bolt of blazing crimson careens across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! Seconds later, the amazing marvel alights upon an observatory telescope at Mount Palomar! With stupendous strength, STUPENDOUS MAN carefully unscrews the giant lens... ... and blasts into space with it!
Stupendous Man flies to the observatory telescope at Mount Palomar. With his stupendous strength, he carefully unscrews the giant lens and blasts into space with it.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1989
STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! How's your homework coming along, Calvin?
Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200 inch telescope lens. Aligning perfectly to the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy....and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map. Stupendous Man flies into the bedroom window saying Calvin has no need of ever doing homework again. Liberty prevails!
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1989
Uh oh, it's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY! She can't discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly, STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6-year-old alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately, STUPENDOUS MAN's cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvin's zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one, I can tell. Geez, Mom! Can't a guy have a little privacy?!
Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his arch-nemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1989
And why, may I ask, are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh, no reason. Um.. I was hot. You're SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I don't need to do it now, thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! I'm sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble.
Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1989
Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1989
Uh oh, Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone, and put on a sweater if you're cold. I ... I don't have the en.. energy!
Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1989
I heard that big cats don't purr. That's true. We're too fierce and ferocious, we don't ever purr. Well, what do you call the noice you make when you get your tummy rubbed? Growling friendly-like.
Hobbes is lying on the floor with Calvin leaning against him. Calvin heard that big cats don't purr. Hobbes says that's true. They're too fierce and ferocious. Calvin asks what he calls the noise he makes when his tummy gets rubbed. Hobbes replies it's growling friendly-like.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1989
Calvin, your Mom and I looked over your report card, and we think you could be doing better. But I don't like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean, you've read every dinosaur book ever written, and you've learned a lot, right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why don't you like school? We don't read about dinosaurs.
Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1989
I've got an idea, Dad. Maybe I'd get better grades if you offered me $1 for ever "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A"! I'm not going to BRIBE you, Calvin. You should apply yourself for your own good. Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks.
Calvin has an idea for Dad. He suggests Dad pay him $1 for every "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A". Dad says he's not going to bribe Calvin. He should apply himself for his own good. Calvin says rats, he thought he could make a quick four bucks.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1989
Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes.
Calvin calls Valley Hardware looking for blasting caps, detonators, timers, and wire. They only have wire. He asks if they rent bulldozers or backhoes. He tells them a rototiller won't do. He asks about wrecking balls. They can't help Calvin. He walks outside and tells Hobbes it looks like another boring day.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1989
I can't sleep, Hobbes. I've been thinking. What about? Well, suppose there's no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean I'm sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. Honey, wake up. Did you hear the television on?
Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1989
Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z
Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1989
The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Oh? What? I was minding my own business, when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel univere too my place on earth, and... what have you done NOW? No, no, see, it wasn't ME...
Calvin tells Mom the strangest thing happened to him a few minutes ago. He was suddenly zapped into some sort of space void vortex. He watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of himself from a parallel universe took his place and... Mom asks what he did now. Calvin quickly says it wasn't him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1989
Heh heh heh! AHA! I see you! Sneaking up to pounce on me, eh? Phooey. You see why MOST tigers don't chuckle to themselves.
Calvin is reading in the chair. He hears something say "heh, heh, heh". He looks behind the chair. He tells Hobbes he sees him sneaking up to pounce on him. Hobbes says "phooey". Calvin tells him he sees why most tigers don't chuckle to themselves.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1989
Want to play a great game I invented? OK. It's called "Gross Out". You say the grossest think you can imagine, and then I try to think of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing gets a point, and we play until someone gets 50 points, OK? I think I already know who's going to win. It's weidt, nobody ever played a whole game with me.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to play a game he invented. It's called "gross out". Hobbes should say the grossest thing he can think of, then Calvin tries to come up with something grosser. Whoever has the grossest thing gets a point. They play until someone gets 50 points. Hobbes says he thinks he already know who will win. Calvin says nobody has ever played a whole game with him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1989
Pay attention to me.
Dad is sitting on his chair, reading. Calvin blows up a paper bag and pops it. Dad jumps. Calvin tells him to pay attention to him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1989
I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1989
Hell, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah, my topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too, and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me, and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? How'd it go? I really loathe girls.
Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1989
His stabilizers useless, his fuel about to explode, our hero careens out of control over a strange, unexplored planet! Yes, it's just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes, Spaceman Spiff's crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted, our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planet's surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill, our hero realizes the planet's soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly, Spiff runs backward, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! It's time to come in! We know he went this way. We'll find him.
Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1989
What am I going to do about this report on bats? You've got to help me, Hobbes! OK, ... um, first let's make a list of what we know. Yeah! That's a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? They're bugs, aren't they? Yeah, put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly, right? They're ugly and hairy, right? C'mon, this is taking all day!
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him with his bat report. Hobbes suggests starting with what they know. Hobbes asks what bats are. Calvin asks if they're bugs. He has Hobbes write that down. Hobbes asks if he's sure they're bugs. Calvin says they fly, they're ugly and hairy. He tries hurrying Hobbes, saying this is taking all day.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1989
I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one "fact" you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK?
Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1989
Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. "Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies." Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS!
Calvin asks Susie if she wrote her report. She did, it took all the evening. Calvin says it only took him 15 minutes. It doesn't take long when you know as much as he does. Susie asks to see the report. Calvin tells her she won't be setting the grade curve this time. She reads the title "Bats: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies". Calvin points out the professional, clear plastic binder. Susie yells that bats aren't bugs.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1989
All right, class, who would like to give his report first? I WOULD! I WOULD! Why Calvin, what a surprise to see YOU volunteer! You must have done a good job. Go to the front of the class. Oh boy! Now let's all pay attention. Go ahead, Calvin. Thank you. Before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. That's very nice. Go ahead. When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". That's a tip, kids. Write it down.
Miss Wormwood asks the class if there are any volunteers to give his report first. Calvin volunteers. Miss Wormwood is surprised. She says Calvin must have done a good job. She tells Calvin to start. Calvin begins by pointing out to everyone that his report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. Calvin continues by saying when a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". He says that's a tip, kids, and he tells them to write that down.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1989
My report is on bats. ...ahem... "Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation, you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto..." BATS AREN'T BUGS!! Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin, I'd like to see you a moment.
Calvin starts with a dramatic reading of "With a creepy, tingling sensation, you hear the fluttering of leathery wings. Bats! These unspeakable giant bugs drop onto...". The class all replies "Bats aren't bugs". Calvin asks them who's giving the report. Those chowderheads or him? Miss Wormwood would like to see Calvin a moment.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1989
Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats, and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! She's pretty perceptive. She didn't even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if you'll give me a hand here, it will stay that way.
Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1989
Let's just sit here a moment... and savor the impending terror. Here we are, perched at the peak of Mount Maim! Why? Because I like to experience life to the fullest! I say you don't fully APPRECIATE life until you risk losing it! I like to stare death straight in the eye and make him blink! If your adrenalin isn't pumping, you're not really living! Right? Actually, I think real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
Calvin believes history is a force. Its tide sweeps all people and institutions along its path. Everything and everyone serve history's single purpose. Hobbes asks what that purpose is. Calvin says to produce him, of course. He's the end result of history. Calvin says thousands of generations lived and died to produce his exact, specific parents, whose reason for being was to produce him. Calvin goes on to say all history has been spent preparing the world for his presence. Hobbes thinks four and a half billion years probably wasn't long enough. Calvin says he's here, and history is vindicated. Hobbes asks what he's going to do, now that history's brought him. They sit at home watching cartoons on the television.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1989
Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says "Oh gross".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1989
Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1989
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin says he was reading how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Calvin continues by saying the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1989
What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1989
I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
In bed, Calvin wonders why man was put on earth. He asks what's their purpose. Why are they here? Hobbes tells him "tiger food". Hobbes then smiles at Calvin. Lying back down in bed, Calvin peeks over at Hobbes.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1989
Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
Hobbes is lying asleep on the floor. Calvin walks by blowing a gum bubble. It pops, and Hobbes jumps into the air. Calvin, lying on the floor all torn up, asks Hobbes if he's a little high-strung. Hobbes tells him tigers call it lightning quick reflexes.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1989
Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!!
Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1989
Sighhhh... HEY! WHOA! WHOA! WAHHH BAM CALVIN, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
Calvin is reading his homework. Suddenly, he flies up into the ceiling. BAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1989
Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds.
Calvin is sitting on the ceiling. Nothing else fell up, just him. If he tries to jump to the floor, he lands back on the ceiling. His personal gravity must have reversed polarity. As he walks along the ceiling, he says you'd think this would be the type of thing they'd learn about in science class. But instead, they learn about cirrus clouds.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1989
Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? There's not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible.
Calvin can't figure out how to get to the floor with his personal gravity polarity reversed. There's nothing on the ceiling he can climb to get there. He wonders how he'll do his homework if he's trapped on the ceiling. Calvin smiles.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1989
Mom and Dad won't be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight, and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then I'll have to hold my plate upside-down above my head and scrape the food off the underside! And if I spill anything, it will fly 10 feet up to the floor and splot! This is going to be the most fun I've ever had!
Calvin knows Mom and Dad won't be happy about things. Dad will have to bolt his bed to the ceiling, and Mom will have to stand on a step ladder to serve dinner. He'll have to hold the plate upside down and scrape the food off the underside. If he spills anything, it will fall ten feet to the floor. He says this will be the most fun he's ever had.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1989
All this wide open ceiling space! I wish I could get my roller skates. Heyh, maybe I can climb up this bookcase and when I get to the bottom shelf, leap to a chair. Then I can pull myself across other pieces of furniture and work my way to the chest. I can hear Mom now: How on earth did you get sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf?!"
With all the open ceiling space, Calvin wishes he could get his roller skates. He decides to try climbing down the bookcase and jumping to a chair. Then he can pull himself across other pieces of furniture to get to his toy chest. As he walks down the bookcase, he says he can hear Mom wondering how he got sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1989
There! I think I can jump to that chair and hang on to the back. GEERONIMOOO! WHOAAA! WHAM! Great. Just great. Calvin, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
Calvin is ready to jump to the chair. He leaps. The chair pushes over and lands on its back. WHAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1989
While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add, so ask some other kid.
Calvin gets dressed and walks out the door. He trips on a rock and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes out the door, and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He hears Mom call to him, asking if he's getting up.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1989
RRG! MMF! Getting any HOMEWORK done, or are you just ruining furniture? Maybe I'm hanging here for dear LIFE! Ever think of THAT?
Calvin tries to pull the chair upright. Mom comes over and asks if he's getting any homework done, or if he's just ruining furniture. Calvin replies that maybe he's hanging on the chair for dear life.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1989
I'm TELLING you, my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! I've been trapped on the ceiling! I couldn't do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasn't OUTSIDE when it happened, or I'd be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I don't want to hear any more nonsense until you're through with your homework, understand? DON'T LET GO! DON'T LET GO!
As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1989
It's... it's a miracle! My personal gravity is back to normal! Glad to hear it. Now do your math. You bet, Mom. Boy, what a relief to be pulled down instead of up! I'll check your progress in a little bit. Uh oh.
Calvin declares a miracle. His personal gravity is back to normal. Mom's glad to hear it. Calvin says it's a relief to be pulled down instead of up. Mom says she'll check on his progress in a little bit. Calvin sits grumpily looking at his homework. He starts to get larger. He says "uh oh".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1989
This has been a most peculiar afternoon.
Calvin keeps growing. He tries to get out his bedroom door. He squeezes out into the hallway. As he crawls along, he says this has been a most peculiar afternoon.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1989
I've got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked.
Calvin has to get outside before he grows bigger. He barely gets his foot out the door. Once outside, he walks off saying he should get his pituitary gland checked.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1989
I know! I'll run downtown and find Dad at work! Maybe he can help! Hm... now which building does Dad work in? They all look the same. ... well, maybe Dad can find ME.
Calvin runs toward downtown to find Dad at work. He figures he can help. As Calvin walks among the skyscrapers, he can't tell which one Dad works in. He decides maybe Dad can find him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1989
Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food.
The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1989
No text
The ever-growing Calvin walks off the shore into the ocean. His head enters the clouds. He grows up through the clouds. Calvin looks up toward the heavens.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1989
No text
Calvin continues to grow. He gets so big he can barely stand on the earth. He gets bigger and eventually falls off the earth.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1989
No text
Calvin falls into the Milky Way galaxy. He tumbles around. He sees a door.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1989
Well? How's you're math coming along? I've almost started!
Calvin opens the door, and he's normal size in his room. He sits back down at the desk. Mom comes in and asks how his math is coming along. Calvin says he's almost started.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1989
Oh brother! Another "discussion" about my study habits and the importance of homework. I've tried explaining that it's hard to study when one's size suddently starts increasing, but does SHE care?! Hah! No, it's just blah blah blah, like it's all MY fault! Mom's never been as big as a galaxy, so she can't understand how anyone ELSE could be! Sheesh. Oops, it looks like she's wrapping up. Better start nodding. Good. I'm glad we had this little talk.
Mom is talking to Calvin, but he's thinking about getting another "discussion" about his study habits and the importance of homework. Calvin continues thinking about how he tried to tell her it's hard to study when one's size suddenly starts increasing. Mom is still talking and gesturing, but Calvin continues thinking about how she says it's all his fault. Mom hasn't been as big as a galaxy, so she doesn't understand how anyone else can be. Calvin thinks Mom is wrapping up, so he starts nodding. Mom tells him she's glad they had this little talk.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1989
Doing homework? Yeahhhh.... Boy, you missed the show. I just got a big lecture from Mom just because I got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big I fell off the planet when I was supposed to be doing my math! Gee, THAT'S not very fair. You said it. Here, how about helping me hurry up with these problems? Sure! Tigers are great at math! Now what do these little horizontal lines mean? That's a minus sign. Let me know when you're done, OK? I'll be reading comic books.
Calvin tells Hobbes he missed the show. He tells him he got a big lecture because he got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big he fell off the planet when he should have been doing math. Hobbes doesn't think that isn't fair. Calvin asks for help on his homework. Hobbes says tigers are good at math. He asks what the little horizontal lines mean. Calvin tells him it's a minus sign. He tells Hobbes to let him know when he's done. Calvin is going to be reading comic books.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1989
YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.
Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1989
When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
Calvin asks Dad when they're going to get a Christmas tree. Dad tells Calvin a little after New Year's. Calvin is shocked. Dad explains that they can go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Dad continues by saying there's sometimes some tinsel left on the trees, so you don't even have to decorate it. You save time and money. Calvin, horrified, clings to Mom's ankle. Mom asks what Dad told him this time.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1989
Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?
In class, Calvin has a question. He asks Miss Wormwood if they could stop the lesson and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Miss Wormwood says of course not. Calvin then asks if just he can.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1989
For "Show and Tell" today, I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
For "show and tell", Calvin has something he says will astound and amaze the class. He looks into the bag, then looks from side-to-side. He then asks the class if everyone has had their shots.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1989
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A couple voices say of course not, come see for himself. Calvin says he's not going to fall for that. He asks who he's talking to if there are no monsters. After some hesitation, the voices say they're dust balls. Calvin says they're all teeth and digestive tract, no brains at all.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1989
EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!
Calvin asks what his disgusting dinner is. Mom sets the plate down and tells him it's spider pie. She says he can pick out the big legs and give them to Dad if they're too hairy for Calvin. Calvin looks at the plate. Calvin decides he likes it. Mom says they'll have a quiet dinner for once. Dad says he sure doesn't feel like opening his mouth.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1989
Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play outside. Calvin goes into great detail why he doesn't. He'd have to get up, get a coat, put on his hat, they'd run around and get tired. Then, he'd have to come in and take it all off again. Hobbes asks what he'll do. Calvin says he's going to sit in the chair until a good TV show comes on. Hobbes walks off saying he'll tell Mom and Dad to point him toward the light and water him periodically. Calvin tells him that instead of making smart remarks, he could get Calvin the remote control.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1989
I'M HO-OME! A tiny snowman! Why are you down there without a coat? Me? No reason.
It has snowed overnight. Calvin walks out into it. He says a mountain of ice has crushed half the neighborhood. It's a glacier in his own town. Wooly mammoths walk about. Calvin declares a new Ice Age. He pulls out his sled. There has really only been one...lousy...half...inch. Hobbes tells Calvin the sun is coming out.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1989
What are you doing still in bed?! I've called you three times! You're going to miss the bus! That's the idea. I'm staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don't get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn't good. It's bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.
Mom asks why Calvin is still in bed. She's called him three times. Calvin says he's staying in bed until Christmas. He wants tons of loot this year, and he figures his chances of being good improve greatly if he doesn't get up. Mom says that disobeying his mother and missing the bus isn't good, it's bad. As Calvin hops into his clothes, he says that darn Santa has got him every way he turns.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1989
I hate this time of the year. I've got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I'll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'M through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!
Calvin tells Hobbes he hates this time of year. He has two more weeks to be good if he wants Christmas goodies. He says he tries to be good. He says his heart is pure as the driven snow. He says sometimes events beyond his control conspire against him. Hobbes rolls his eyes, and Calvin catches him. They start fighting. Calvin says Hobbes' eyes will be rolling toward each other when he's through with him. Hobbes counters by saying he hopes Calvin asked Santa for some crutches.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1989
Miserable miscreant! Question my integrity, will you? I can't QUESTION it until I've see some EVIDENCE of it! AUGHH! I'VE BEEN FIGHTING! Only in the loosest sense of the word. SANTA, HE MADE ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FIGHT! YES HE DID! YES HE DID! HE STARTED IT! I DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO! LIAR! LIAR!
Still fighting, Calvin calls Hobbes a miscreant. He asks if Hobbes questions his integrity. Hobbes replies he can't question it until he sees some evidence of it. Calvin stops and realizes he's been fighting. Calvin yells to Santa that Hobbes made him fight. Hobbes yells that Calvin meant to fight and that Calvin started it. They start fighting again, calling each other liars.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1989
Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn't have to know about this, right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. OK, OK, I'll even apologize! I'm sorry. How's that? See, it's OK to fight just a little bit if you say you're sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! "Dear Santa, know what Calvin did today?"
Calvin stops again and tells Hobbes that since no one saw them fighting, it can be their little secret. He says Santa doesn't have to know about this. Hobbes isn't sure if Santa does or not. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes. Hobbes replies that Calvin bit and kicked. Calvin says he apologized and wonders what else Hobbes wants. Hobbes says Calvin could let him read all his comic books. Calvin replies "Over my dead body". Hobbes pretends to write Santa a note about what Calvin did today.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1989
Boy, if it wasn't so close to Chrismas, I'd pound you good! Yeah, I'd like to see you try! Oh no you don't! You're not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list, so I'm being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick, help me find a pine cone I can throw at... ...NO! I'm being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! You'll never make it till Christmas. Give up now and enjoy yourself.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if it wasn't so close to Christmas, he'd pound him good. Hobbes wants to see him try. Calvin won't be tempted. He wants every item on his Christmas list, so he's being good. Hobbes mentions Susie Derkins is coming. Calvin looks for a pine cone to throw at her. He stops, clenches his teeth, and says he's going to be good. Hobbes says he'll never make it to Christmas. He might as well give up now and enjoy himself.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1989
Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1989
There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Hobbes brings Calvin a letter from the "North Pole". Calvin opens the note and reads that he's a rotten little kid, he's obviously the naughtiest kid in the whole world, but he has seven days to get on the "good boy" list. The note suggests being kind to animals. Perhaps an animal who would like a snack soon, or one who could read his comic books sometime. It's signed "Santa Claws". Calvin recognizes the handwriting. It is from Hobbes. Calvin offers Hobbes a knuckle sandwich for a snack.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1989
Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he'll help him write a book. Calvin says this book will be like historical fiction. He's writing a fictional autobiography. He tells Hobbes it's the story of his life with a lot of parts completely made up. Hobbes asks why he'd want to make up his whole life. Calvin replies that in his book, he has a flame thrower.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1989
Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
Calvin comes upon a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin says a poem. "Still and quiet feline form, in the sun asleep and warm, his tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, man what could make this cat so pooped". He walks off. Hobbes thinks "sheeshh".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1989
Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
Calvin tells Mom he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He's looking for a page one lead story and asks if he can interview her. He asks what she's cutting up for dinner. Mom replies fish. Calvin has the headlines. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family devours victim! Mom shoo's him out of the kitchen.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1989
Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
Calvin tells Dad he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He asks Dad to help him out either by giving him fifteen bucks to pay labor and production costs or to be the subject of a comic strip, "Dopey Dad". Under his blanket at night, using a flashlight, Calvin and Hobbes are drawing the comic strip. Calvin has Dopey Dad yelling "It's bed time for you, young man". Hobbes chuckles about how big he made the mouth.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1989
Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish we'd ged ad aquariub!
Calvin gets out of the bathtub wearing a snorkel and mask. He's breathing through the snorkel. He goes out the bathroom door and down the stairs. He's standing there naked telling Mom he wishes they would get an aquarium.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1989
What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
Dad asks Calvin what story he'd like to hear. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad wants to read something different. Calvin insists. Dad says he's going to read a different story that Calvin will like. Calvin says he won't like it. He threatens to stay awake until morning unless Dad reads Hamster Huey. Afterward, Hobbes tells Calvin he doesn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin doesn't remember Hamster Huey doing everything so fast.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1989
and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you've HAD it. Hmm... That might not be politic. I'm getting nervous about Christmas. You're worried you haven't been good? That's just one question. It's all relative. What's Santa's definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven't KILLED anybody. See, that's good, right? I haven't committed any felonies. I didn't start any wars. I don't practice cannibalism. Wouldn't you say that's pretty good? Wouldn't you say I should get lots of presents? But maybe good is more than the absence of bad. See, THAT's what worries me. ...OK, assuming I can get an overnight letter to the north pole, what would you charge to write me a glowing character reference? Oh no, I'm not going to perjure myself for you! MY record's clean!
Calvin and Hobbes are lying on the floor, by the Christmas tree and the fireplace. There is a poem about Christmas Eve. It reads the tree is decorated festively, Christmas songs play on the radio, his tiger is fast asleep, he turns to warm whatever's not hot. He gives his friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow is what he's waiting for, but he can wait a little more.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1989
Ha ha! It's Christmas! Hurry up, Mom and Dad! It's almost dawn! Here, I got you a present. You got me a present? Gosh Hobbes, how nice! I picked it out myself! Open it! Why, it's ... It's three cans of ... Uh... Salmon. Um, thanks, Hobbes. Gee, I didn't get YOU a present. I feel terrible. I thought of that. See, you could give me mine back! That would be a GOOD present! Well then, here! Merry Christmas, Hobbes! Why, thank you! It's just what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Calvin, did you know these cans over in the pantry?
Calvin and Hobbes are under the Christmas tree. Hobbes gives Calvin a present. He picked it out himself. It's three cans of salmon. Calvin thanks Hobbes for the gift. Calvin feels bad because he didn't get Hobbes anything. Hobbes suggests Calvin give him back the gift. Calvin does, and Hobbes thanks him. They exchange Christmas wishes.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1989
Well, here we are, poised at the precipice of "Pallbearer Peak" on a flimsy sled! The mind recoils in horror to imagine the awful descent! Yes, I'ts a thousand food vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes! It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear! Read to go? Ready!
Calvin and Hobbes are at the top of "Pallbearer Peak" with their sled. Calvin talks about the horror of the descent, the thousand foot vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes. It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear. Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ready to go, and Hobbes says yes. They get up and walk off with their sled in hand.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1989
New hat, Dad? Yep. I like it. Thank you. So do I. AAUGH! You're going to be late for work, Dad!
Calvin is standing in the snow watching Dad walk by. Calvin asks if Dad is wearing a new hat. Dad says yes. Calvin says he likes it, and Dad says he does, also. Calvin makes a snowball. Dad's briefcase is lying on the sidewalk next to his new hat which has snow around it. Off screen, Calvin yells that Dad is going to be late for work.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1989
You don't LIKE my "Snowman House of Horror", do you?!
There are snowmen on the yard. One is holding his head, one has three eyes and two noses, one was built around a tree so it looks like the tree sticks up from the snowman, one is cut in half by a smaller snowman on a sled. Mom has her tongue stuck out. Calvin asks if Mom likes his "Snowman House of Horror".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1989
I SEE YOU, HOBBES! MAN, WHAT A LOUSY SHOT! TIGERS CAN'T THROW WORTH A ... SMACK! I just threw the first one so you'd turn around.
A snowball flies over Calvin's head. He turns and says he sees Hobbes. He says Hobbes is a lousy shot. The next snowball smacks Calvin right in the face. Hobbes comes over and says he just threw the first one so Calvin would turn around.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1989
A new decade is coming up. Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade? You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Frankly, Im not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've GOT. I mean, look at this! We still have WEATHER?! Give me a break!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking across the snow covered field. Hobbes says a new decade is coming up. Calvin says big deal. Calvin asks where are the flying cars, the moon colonies, the personal robots, and zero gravity boots. He scoffs that this is the future. He asks where are the rocket packs, disintegration rays, and floating cities. Hobbes isn't so sure people have the brains to manage the technology they have.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1989
I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making any New Year resolutions. Calvin asks what he's implying. He thinks he's perfect the way he is. He rants on about staying like this, and everyone can get used to it. It's a free country. He doesn't need anyone's permission to be the way he wants. He says life is too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how he should be. Everyone can stay out of his face. He turns around to see Hobbes has left. Calvin grumbles that Hobbes should resolve to be more attentive when someone is speaking.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1990
No text
Calvin makes a snowball and rolls it down the hill. He watches it go down, then cheers. At the bottom of the hill, under a huge snowball, Susie yells back up the hill at Calvin.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1990
Before going down a steep hill like this, one should always give his sled a safety check. Right. Seat belts? None. Signals? None. Brakes? None. Steering? None. Wheeeee
Calvin looks down the hill. He and Hobbes are at the top of the hill with their sled. Calvin says that before going down a steep hill, one should always give his sled a safety check. Seat belts and signals? Hobbes says none. Brakes and steering? Hobbes says none. Down the hill they go, yelling "Wheeeeee" as they slide down.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1990
How cold is it outside? I don't know. Why don't you check? It's pretty darn cold. I'd say. Let me show you an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
Calvin asks Mom how cold it is outside. Mom suggests he go check. Calvin opens the front door and stands there. Snow starts piling up around him and on his head. He tells Mom he'd say it's pretty darn cold. Mom is ready to wring his neck and says she wants to show him an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1990
No text
Calvin throws a snowball at Susie that goes over her head. She makes fun of Calvin. He storms off with an angry expression. Susie looks started. She runs off with Calvin in close pursuit. He has a shovel full of snow in his hand.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1990
This is the part of winter I like best ... when you come inside, freezing cold and soaked ... and you put on fresh dry clothes, and run up to the warm kitchen, where Mom's got a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you! Mom? Mom? HEY MOM! "Calvin, I'm next door. Don't have anything to eat, or you'll spoil your appetite. Mom." It's going to be a long, cold, dark winter.
Calvin and Hobbes come in from the snow. Calvin says this is the part of winter he likes. You come inside cold and soaked, you put on dry clothes and go into the kitchen, where Mom has a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you. He calls for Mom, but there's no answer. Hobbes reads a note that says Mom is next door. She writes for him not to eat anything or he'll spoil his appetite. Calvin says this is going to be a long, cold, dark winter.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1990
While I'M doing this brain surgery, YOU can make a donor and do a heart transplant! Forget it, Calvin. I'm not playing with you any more.
Calvin has built a snowman that lies on the ground. Calvin has a saw in his hand, taking the top of the snowman off. Calvin tells Susie that while he's doing the brain surgery, she can build a donor and do a heart transplant. Susie walks off saying forget it. She's not going to play with him any more.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1990
I've decided to be more of a "people" person, and make more friends. How come? I don't get enough presents. From now on, I'm devoting myself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. After all, no man is an island. We all need love and the support of others. We're social beings with social needs. So as of today, my goal is to be one with my fellow man, to develop and foster those deep connections that ... just a minute ... Hey Susie! Heads up!! Ha ha!! Augh help help I've changed my mind, Hobbes. People are scum. I think TRUE happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1990
Look, Hobbes, my newest invention! Isn't that your transmogrifier? It WAS. But I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Ah. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, THIS machine actually creates a real duplicate! So our financial worries are over? And counterfeiting is just ONE of its many uses around the home!
Calvin asks Hobbes to look at his newest invention. It's a box, sitting open on its side. Hobbes asks if that isn't Calvin's transmogrifier. Calvin says that it was, but he made some modifications. It's now a duplicator. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier. Instead of a reproduction on paper, you get a real duplicate. Hobbes asks if their financial worries are now over. Calvin tells him counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1990
Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? I was just about to. You can help. Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Me. You?? Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team!
Hobbes asks if Calvin has tested his duplicator yet. Calvin is ready to. Hobbes asks what they should duplicate first. Calvin volunteers himself. He says Mom wants him to clean his room, so he can duplicate himself and let the duplicate do the work. Hobbes says he can picture the looks on his parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin thinks he can make a whole baseball team this summer.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1990
OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Are you sure this is a good idea? Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions. This is a BRILLIANT idea. Will ya? I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. Scientific progress goes "boink"? It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! No you're not, you liar! I invented this!
Calvin tells Hobbes to push the button to duplicate him. Hobbes isn't so sure he should. Calvin criticizes Hobbes as a doubting Thomas getting in the way of scientific advancement with their stupid ethical questions. Hobbes says he'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress, so he pushes the button. BOINK! Hobbes asks if scientific progress goes boink. Inside the box, Calvin says that it worked and he's a genius. Another voice calls Calvin a liar and says he invented it.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1990
The duplicator worked! Hobbes, meet my duplicate! Hey, nice room. Oog, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. OK, Dupe! Hobbes and I are going out to play. You clean my room and when you're done, I've got some homework you can do, too. WHAT?! Forget it, bub! Find some OTHER sucker to do your dirty work! Last one outside is a rotten egg! HEY! COME BACK HERE! He's a dupicate of you, all right. What do you mean? THIS guy is a total jerk!
Calvin introduces his duplicate. Hobbes isn't sure he's ready for this. Calvin tells his duplicate that he and Hobbes are going out to play. The duplicate will clean Calvin's room and do his homework. The duplicate doesn't like that. He runs off, telling Calvin to find another sucker to do his dirty work. Hobbes comments on how he is a duplicate of Calvin, all right. Calvin asks what he means. He says the duplicate is a total jerk.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1990
Where are YOU going? Did you clean your room like I asked you to? I'm going outside. Calvin can clean his OWN room. I don't want any nonsense, Calvin. Go upstairs. Calvin? I'm not Calvin. I'm his duplicate. Calvin's in his room. What did I just say? No nonsense, Calvin. Go clean your room. Boy, you ARE a crabby lady! Who are you? Calvin's cruel governess? That does it!
The duplicate walks by Mom dressed to go outside. Mom asks if he cleaned his room like she asked him to. The duplicate tells her that he's going outside and that Calvin can clean his own room. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and tells him to go upstairs. As he walks away, he says he's Calvin's duplicate. Calvin is upstairs. Mom gets angry and tells him to go to his room. The duplicate says she's a crabby lady. He asks if she's Calvin's cruel governess.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1990
C'mon, Hobbes. We'd better go find my duplicate before he gets me in trouble. I'm telling you, lady, you've got the wrong guy! I'm a duplicate of Calvin! Calvin is in his room! We'll see abou tthat. Give me your coat. See, Calvin? There's no one here. Now that's enough games. Clean your room, OK? Calvin? I don't see him, Hobbes. Maye he's outside, huh? We'd better hurry. I think I hear your Mom coming down the stairs.
Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1990
The distant planet Z-12. Distant, that is, to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top, Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right, what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose, our hero readies a hydro bomb!
Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1990
Calvin! What are you doing outside? Didn't I just send you to clean your room two minutes ago?! No. I did too! Now get back upstairs. I'm losing my patience for this game! She must've found my duplicate! C'mon Hobbes, we'd better hurry before he gets us in more trouble! Number three, hi! I'm number two! Charmed.
Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1990
Mom said she sent me upstairs a minute ago! That must've been my duplicate! What a mess this is turning out to be! You said it! HE gets in trouble, but I'M the one who gets blamed! We'd better straighten him... AAUGH! Your duplicator is a big success. Oh no! Are you kidding? It burned out after the fifth one of us!
Calvin and Hobbes run up the stairs. Calvin says Mom must have sent his duplicate upstairs. Hobbes says this is turning into a mess. Calvin complains that the duplicate gets in trouble, but he gets the blame. They're horrified as they open the bedroom door. Hobbes says Calvin's duplicator is a big success as he looks at five duplicate Calvins. One of them says the duplicator burned out after the fifth one.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1990
Oh no! My duplicates made duplicates! Hi, we're numbers two through six! Hobbes, what am I going to do?! Better tell your Mom to put out the extra table settings. Look, you guys have to stay in here and be real quiet! If my Mom finds out about this, she'll have a fit!
Calvin is horrified to see his duplicate made duplicates. Calvin wonders what he should do. Hobbes suggests telling Mom to put out extra table settings. Calvin tells the duplicates they have to stay in the room and keep quiet. None of the duplicates want to do that. Calvin says that since he's the original, they have to do what he says. The duplicates suggest putting it to a vote.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1990
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to get some cookies!
One of the duplicates is going to get some cookies. One of them is going outside. Another one wonders what's on TV. Calvin tells them Mom will see them. One of the duplicates says that as long as they split up, every time Mom sees one of them, she'll think they're Calvin. The duplicates laugh and walk off. Calvin calls them a bunch of devious little stinkers. He wonders where they learned to misbehave that way. Hobbes thinks they should check into a hotel until this is over.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1990
Calvin, you know you're not allowed to eat cookies before dinner! Put those away! Did you clean your room yet? I'm not Calvin. I'm a duplicate. I don't want to hear about it. Now move! Ood, some days that kid of mine ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! Why? Are you taking a survey?
Mom tells Calvin not to eat cookies before dinner. She asks if he cleaned his room yet. The reply is that he's not Calvin, he's a duplicate. Mom storms off saying "some days that kid of mine". She sees Calvin in the living room watching TV. She asks what he's doing in there. The reply is "are you taking a survey".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1990
I'M HOME! Hi. Hi, Calvin. Hi. I SAID Hi. Hi. Knock it off, Calvin. Dear, have a talk with him. He's been driving me crazy.
Dad gets home, and Calvin says hi. Dad replies, and another Calvin comes by to say hi. Dad says that he already told him hi. Another Calvin says hi, and Dad tells him to knock it off. Mom tells Dad that he should have a talk with Calvin. He's been driving her crazy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1990
No text
Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1990
OK duplicates, listen up. As long as you're all here and I don't know how to get rid of you, we might as well cooperate. Specifically, with five duplicates, we can divide up the school week so there's one duplicate for each day. If the rest of us lay low, we can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser! Great! Now that still leaves us with the question of who gets the bed tonight. We'll fight you for it.
Calvin tells the duplicates that since he doesn't know how to get rid of them, they might as well cooperate. He says they can divide up the school week, since there are enough duplicates. There's one for each day. Calvin says if the rest of them lay low, they can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser. Calvin ends with the question of who will get the bed. The duplicates offer to fight him for it.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1990
Hi Calvin. I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number two. What are you talking about? We drew straws, and today's my day to go to school. We're all taking turns so we each only go once a week. Calvin, you are so weird I'm not even going to talk to you. I'm not Calvin. I wish I lived some-place where I went to a normal bus stop. Are you in Calvin's class? Will you help me find his locker?
Susie says hi to Calvin. The reply is that he's duplicate number two. Susie asks what he's talking about. He explains that they drew straws, and it's his day to go to school. They're taking turns. Susie says Calvin's so weird, she isn't going to talk to him. He says he's not Calvin. Susie wishes she lived someplace where she went to a normal bus stop. He asks if she'll help him find Calvin's locker.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1990
Calvin, would you please demonstrate the hoemwork problem you were assigned yesterday? I wasn't here yesterday. Yes, you were, Calvin. Didn't you do your problem? I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number five. Duplicate number TWO was here yesterday, not ME. We're all taking turns. Number two wil be back next week, and you can ask him to do the problem THEN. Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the homework problem that was assigned. Calvin says he wasn't there yesterday. Miss Wormwood says he was present. The explanation is that he is duplicate number five. Duplicate number two was at school yesterday. They are taking turns. Number two will be back next week, so she can ask him to do the problem then. In the principal's office, Calvin says he doesn't see what's so hard about this.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1990
Guys? It's OK to come out! It's me, number four. I'm home. How was school today? Ahh, I got sent to the Principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Geez, you guys! Even I don't get sent to the principal every DAY! You're making me look bad! Look, Calvin, if you don't like our performance, you can go to school YOURSELF! Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions! I'm just saying there's room for improvement. Hey four, were you able to swipe any chalk? Yeah! The principal never frisked me!
Number four comes in the bedroom. He tells the others it's okay to come out. They ask how school went. He tells them he was sent to the principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Calvin says not even he got sent to the principal's office every day. He says they're making him look bad. One of the duplicates says that if Calvin doesn't like their performance, he can go to school himself. Calvin says they shouldn't jump to conclusions. All he's saying is there is room for improvement.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1990
Hobbes, we've got to get rid of these duplicates! All they do is get me in trouble! Everyone thinks I'M doing all these rotten things, when really it's a duplicate! I'm being framed by my own doubles! RUN! HIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! It appears you've just perpetrated another crime. The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the stuff I'm getting blamed for.
Calvin tells Hobbes they need to get rid of the duplicates. All they do is get him in trouble. Calvin says everyone thinks he's doing all these rotten things, when it's really a duplicate. He's being framed by his own doubles. A bunch of duplicates run past Calvin, saying "run" and "hide". Hobbes says it appears Calvin has perpetrated another crime. Calvin complains that the worst part is that he doesn't even have the fun of doing the stuff he's getting blamed for.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1990
All right, what did you guys do NOW? You'd better hide, Calvin! Your Mom's on the warpath! CALVIN? She's coming! Quick, get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um, can I get back to you on this, Mom? NO.
Calvin asks the duplicates what they've done now. They tell him to hide, because Mom is on the warpath. All the duplicates hide under the duplicator box when Mom comes in. Calvin smiles and tries to look innocent while Mom asks him to explain his behavior. From under the box, Calvin hears whispered a request to have a bigger allowance. Five times bigger. Calvin asks if he can get back to her on that issue.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1990
Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. I'm thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! IT'S AFTER ME! IT'S GOT ME! I CAN FEEL IT'S TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Let's go back to bed, honey. You had a nightmare. Oh, it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. It's so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
Calvin stands looking at the snow, saying everything looks so pretty. He says it's his favorite time of the year. A shadow falls over Calvin. He looks up to see Hobbes. WUMPH! They tumble in the snow and roll down the hill. Covered with snow, Hobbes says this is his favorite time of the year. The new snow muffles approaching footsteps. Also covered with snow, Calvin says he can't wait for spring.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1990
Boy, Mom sure did read ME the riot act, didn't she? I have an idea. Psst. Calvin! Is the cost clear? Did your Mom go away yet? Can we come out now? Oh no! Your Mom's coming back! There she is! Stay in the box, guys! Keep quiet! Yikes! Shh! Hobbes, you're a genius! I don't hear her. Do you? Hey, what's going on out there?
Calvin is depressed that Mom read him the riot act. Hobbes whispers a suggestion to Calvin, who smiles. From under the box, voices ask if Mom has left, if the coast is clear, and whether they can come out. Hobbes says Mom is coming back again. Calvin tells the duplicates to be quiet. Calvin calls Hobbes a genius, as Calvin changes the wording on the box from duplicator to transmogrifier.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1990
So long, duplicates! What do you mean? We're not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well, I didn't want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Let's go gross someone out!
Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1990
Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?
Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1990
Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. And what is? And that is, um... It's that, well... OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me. Live and don't learn, that's us.
Calvin tells Hobbes that they learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. Hobbes asks what that lesson is. Calvin thinks about it, but can't come up with anything. As they walk off, Calvin says "So we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me". Hobbes replies "Live and don't learn. That's us".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1990
WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball, all right! That's the problem with having a signature style.
WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1990
HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? You're darn lucky I didn't get a snow blower for Christmas!
Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1990
AAAAAA I think these comic books he reads are much too grim. Must be! Just look at him twitch.
Sledding down the hill, Calvin says television validates existence. The sled ride is fleeting and elusive. By tomorrow, they will have forgotten it, and it may as well have not happened. If they were on TV, countless viewers would share in the event and confirm it. This sled ride would become part of mass consciousness. On TV, the impact of an event is determined by the image, not its substance. With strong visuals, their sled ride could make them cultural icons. Instead of being boring ol' Calvin and Hobbes, they could be "Calvin and Hobbes - as seen on TV". They fly off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says at this moment, he likes his anonymity. Calvin thinks they should go for the high-brow public TV audience.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1990
QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph, while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones ...
Calvin reads his quiz question. Joe and Jack leave their homes at the same time, driving toward each other. One drives 60 mph, the other 30 mph. They pass in ten minutes. How far apart were they when they started? Calvin looks at the paper. Calvin is in his office, hat on, feet propped up, cigarette in mouth. He says "It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones". Tracer Bullet is here.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1990
I'd planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around. One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. Get to work, Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.
It's Tracer Bullet, Private Eye. It says so on the door. He planned to take the day off with his buddies. They travel light and are fun to have around. One travels in a holster, the other in a hip flask. The last thing he wanted was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to get to work. Calvin is sitting at his desk, with his feet up, thinking it would cost her fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1990
I stepped out into the rainy streets and reviewed the facts. There weren't many. Two saps, Jack and Joe, drive towards each other at 60 and 30 mph. After 10 minutes, they pass. I'm supposed to find out how far apart they started. Questions pour down like the rain. Who ARE these mugs? What were they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? And what difference does it make where they started from? I had a hunch that, before this was over, I'd be sorry I asked.
Tracer steps out to the street to review the facts. Two saps, Joe and Jack, drive toward each other and pass. Questions pour down like rain. Who are these mugs? What are they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? Why does it matter where they started? He had a hunch that before this was over, he'd be sorry he asked.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1990
First I figured I'd try the Derkins dame. Susie and I never hit it off, although occasionally we hit each other. Susie had a face that suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor, but I wasn't going to her place for laughs. I needed information. The way I looked at it, Derkins acted awfully smug for a dame who had a head for numbers and not much else. Maybe she's got something on Jack and Joe. The question is, will she sing? No, I won't tell you what the answer is. Do your OWN work!
Tracer figures he'll try the Derkins dame. Susie and he had never hit it off, occasionally they hit each other. Tracer says Susie has a face that suggests someone upstairs has a weird sense of humor. But he needed information. He figures she looks pretty smug for a dame with a head for numbers, but not much else. The question is, will she sing? Susie tells Calvin she will not tell him the answer and to do his own work.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1990
The Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her first and shut her up good. I knew Susie, and closing her mouth would've taken some work. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find. You've made enough trips to the water fountain. Finish your quiz. Suddenly a gorilla pulled me in an alley, squeezed my spine into an accordion, and played a polka on me with brass knuckles. Youse ain't going nowhere, flatfoot.
Bullet says the Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her and shut her up good. He knows Susie. Closing her mouth would have taken some work. He needed a clue and a drink. He knew where to find one of them. Miss Wormwood grabs Calvin and says he's had enough trips to the water fountain. Tracer says a gorilla pulled him into an alley, squeezed his spine into an accordion, and played a polka on him with brass knuckles.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1990
The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to, the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joe's lives were defined by integers. Obviously, they were part of a "numbers" racket! Back in the office, I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called "Mr. Billion". Answer: 1,000,000,000. Case closed! Time's up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get, Calvin? I think the answer's 15.
Tracer's head was exploding with fireworks. When he came to, the pieces fit together. Jack and Joe's life were defined by integers. They were in a "numbers" racket. Back in the office, Tracer pulled the files on numbers big enough to keep Susie quiet and to want him out of the picture. Calvin answers 1,000,000,000 on his quiz. Case closed!
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1990
Uh oh, here comes Calvin... The incurable weirdness poster child. Hi Calvin. What's with the mask and bucket? HMPH. This is a poem! Please do what you're told! And here is a bucket of water ice-cold! Please take this water, and dump it on me! Don't hesitate! Do it A.S.A.P.! Just wait till YOU touch the "pernicious poem place"!! Oooh, you'll be sorry THEN! Whee! I love playing CalvinBall! This is a bag flag zone!
Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling "look out below", "mayday", and "bail out". Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1990
I missed the bus, Mom. Oh no. Hurry! If we jump in the car, you can zoom up, pass the bus on a straghtaway, drop me off at a later stop, and I can ride the bus from there! C'mon! What are you waiting for? Rev up the car! Mom's so lazy.
Calvin comes back inside, telling Mom he missed the bus. He tells her if she hurries, they can jump in the car, zoom up and pass the bus, drop him at a later stop, and he can ride the bus from there. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Calvin runs up to her asking what she's waiting for. He tells her to rev up the car. Calvin, walking down the sidewalk, says Mom's so lazy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1990
Readyyy.. Aimmm...
Calvin makes a big snowball. He makes another and sets it on top the first. He makes a snowman standing against a tree. He puts a blindfold on it and a stick in its mouth. Calvin gets a snowball in his hand and says ready, aim...
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1990
Bedtime, kiddo. Aw, Mom! Can't I watch the next program? No, you need your sleep. C'mon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK, just 10 minutes! Then I'll go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes, OK? Turn off the TV. Look, I'll just watch a few more commercials, OK? See, here's my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic.
Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin asks to watch the next TV program. Mom tells him he needs his sleep. Calvin begs for another fifteen minutes of TV watching. Then he tries asking for ten, and finally five minutes. Mom tells him to turn off the TV. Calvin says he'll just watch a few more commercials. He points out his favorite gum commercial just coming on. In bed, Calvin guesses that got pretty pathetic.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1990
Oh NO! I just remembered that today is "Show and Tell" day! I need something to show and tell about! Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? What can I take? I've gotta take something! I've ...ah... ACHOOO Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't...
Eating breakfast, Calvin remembers that it's "show and tell" day. Mom asks why he can't think of these things more than two minutes before the bus arrives. Calvin runs off saying he has to take something. As he runs, he sneezes into his hands. He tells Mom never mind, and he asks if they have any plastic bags. Mom, sitting reading the newspaper, repeats over and over "I don't want to know".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1990
See? SEE? Starboard is RIGHT! PORT is left! OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
Calvin and Hobbes are covered with snow, their sled stuck into the ground. They stomp along, still covered with snow. They're both frowning as they take their coats off and brush off the snow. They both stomp along, still frowning. Hobbes points to the page in the dictionary. He says he told Calvin that starboard is right, and port is left. Calvin concedes that he was wrong for once in his life and tells Hobbes to shut up.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1990
AARGHH! I MISSED! It's these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to 'em and you can't throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good, awful, rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well I'll be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads!
Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1990
GRGHHG rGHHHH GRRGH RGGHH SNORRTT GHACKHGG Heh heh heh... Sorry... A litle sinus congestion... Sighhh...
Spaceman Spiff cruises over Planet Quorg. Our hero explores the peculiar rock formations, looking for life. The rock formations are too peculiar. Spiff suddenly realizes this landscape was not created by geological forces. Spiff hits the thrusters. The formations are footprints. While Spiff was searching for alien life, it was searching for him. Spiff is sure it wanted the earthling for dinner. Calvin sees footprints in the snow, while he hears his name being called to dinner. Calvin runs the opposite way.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1990
WUMP!
Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be.
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20 FEB 1990
ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
Calvin is building a snowman. He tells Hobbes that any dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like him to create art. He says his snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. His sculpture is about grief and suffering. He says one look at the tortured countenance of the figure confirms the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. He says his work will endure and will inspire future generations. As they stand there, the sun starts to melt the snowman.
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21 FEB 1990
Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making more snow art, since his snowman melted the day before. Calvin tells him that this time, he's taking advantage of the medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As the snowman melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. It speaks to the horror of our own mortality. Someone yells that it's too warm to build a snowman, and they laugh at Calvin. Hobbes says there is a philistine on the sidewalk. Calvin says genius is never understood in its own time.
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22 FEB 1990
How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow.
Hobbes asks how Calvin's snow art is coming. Calvin says he's moved into abstraction. His piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, he's free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. Hobbes notices Calvin's oeuvre is monochromatic. Calvin replies that it's just snow.
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23 FEB 1990
Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be "bad". Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death.
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24 FEB 1990
Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any pudding. Mom says tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin explains to Hobbes that's what Mom said. Hobbes checks his torso and says he's lean and mean. He tells Calvin to tell Mom the chocolate pudding makes his coat lustrous.
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25 FEB 1990
There's Venus. There's Mars. And there's Jupiter. And I'm STUCK here. On a clear night like this, you realize how incomprehensible the universe really is. I wonder what early man must have thought as he watched the skies. He'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding of planets or stars or comets or anything. Imagine how big and mysterious the night would've seemed to him! I'll bet he felt very fragile and afraid, don't you think? ... Hobbes? Hobbes?? ... h-hello? Anyb-body?? AUGH! WUMP! I'll bet THAT's what he felt like! Saber-tooth tiger food! From now on I'm going to stay inside all night and watch TV.
Calvin and Hobbes sit by the fireplace. Suddenly, it gets too warm. They dash away from the fire. They lie down and feel the sizzle as they cool off. Back to the fire they go. Calvin says if there's more to life than this, he doesn't know what it is.
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26 FEB 1990
Why should I go to school?! Why can't I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why can't things be different? Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am, Mom's not very philosophical.
Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical.
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27 FEB 1990
All set? Yep! OK, get read! NOW! SMASH Too bad the back of the camera opened when we landed. That would've been a great picture.
On the toboggan, Calvin asks if Hobbes is set. Hobbes is carrying a camera. Down the hill they go. Calvin tells Hobbes to get ready. They smash into a rock and fly into the air. Calvin yells "Now", and Hobbes snaps the picture. Coming back up the hill covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too bad the camera opened when they landed. That would have been a great picture.
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28 FEB 1990
Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "double word score" box! "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! It is SO a word! It's worm found in new guinea! Everyone knows that! I'm looking it up. You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word YOU played with all the Xs and Js! What's your score for ZQFMGB? 957.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Calvin claims a double-word score. Hobbes complains that "ZQFMGB" isn't a word. Calvin tells him it's a worm found in New Guinea. Hobbes says he's going to look it up. Calvin says if he does, he's going to look up the 12-letter word Hobbes played with all the X's and J's. Hobbes asks Calvin what his score for the word is. Calvin replies "957".
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01 MAR 1990
Hey, no TV until your homework is done. It's getting done. Not with you sitting HERE, it isn't. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After I'm done watching TV, he'll tell ME what the book was about, and I'll tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See, we're doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh, I only like nature documentaries.
Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries.
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02 MAR 1990
Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! It's for the "Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund." Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is "Give before it hurts."
Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund". Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is "Give Before It Hurts".
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03 MAR 1990
MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mphhh... Calvin, it's after midnight. Get a drink yourself. I can't. There are monsters under my bed! I'm scared. OK... Ok... Ok... AAUGH
Calvin wakes up at night and yells for Mom to bring him a glass of water. Mom says it's after midnight and that he should get the drink himself. Calvin replies there are monsters under his bed and that he's scared. Mom says okay. Mom turns on the light to bring the water, and Calvin sees Mom with her hair all messed up and eyes partially closed. He is horrified and yells "AAUGH".
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04 MAR 1990
They must've taken out an insurance policy on me... sighhh... ...sighhh...
Millions of years ago, the "ultrasaurs" wander the earth. Some weigh over 70 tons. Even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants. A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a stampede. It's a Calvinosaurus. Named after the renowned paleontologist who discovered it, the Calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bite. Calvin, digging a hole, says he never finds anything. Hobbes thinks it looks like he hit the sewer pipe.
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05 MAR 1990
OK Hobbes, toss up this deck of cards, and I'll plug the ace of spades! Oh boy, a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good, huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm, on second thought, I'll fold. Hey, what's with this deck?!
Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck.
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06 MAR 1990
This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this.
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07 MAR 1990
I did it! I did it! Somehow I imagined the experience would be more rewarding.
Calvin puts a pillow on the floor. He puts his head on it, then pulls his body up. He's standing on his head. Calvin stays there a bit, then says somehow he imagined this experience would be more rewarding.
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08 MAR 1990
Hewwo! Is Hobbesie-wobbsie sweepy? Ooh, he's just a bog snoogie-woogie, isn't he? Yes he IS! Hewwo, snoogie woogie! GLOMP! HEY HEY! Ow! LEGGO, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY CARNIVORE! OW! OW! OW! I can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.
Hobbes is sleeping when Calvin approaches him using baby-talk. He asks if Hobbes is sleepy. Calvin says "hewwo" and calls Hobbes a snoogie-woogie. Hobbes awakens with a start and clomps down on Calvin's head with his mouth. Calvin yells for his bloodthirsty carnivore to let go of him. They fight. Calvin walks off saying he can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.
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09 MAR 1990
Once upon a time, there was a ... Hold it. You know what I'D like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT, OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch.
Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, but Calvin stops him. Calvin tells Dad that he'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, the bears joining up with the big bad wolf and then eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. He tells Dad to tell him a story like that. Dad asks how Hansel and Gretel should meet their untimely demise. Calvin suggests the witch eats them, then the wolf eats the witch.
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10 MAR 1990
Hey Dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Wah on earth for? It's 8;00 at night! I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn... ...and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! NO, you can't do that! Don't be ridiculous! I don't even want to know what he intended to write.
Calvin asks Dad if he can take the gas can for the lawn mower to the back yard. Dad says it's 8:00 at night. He asks Calvin what he wants to do that. Calvin tells him he wants to pour the gasoline in big letters on the lawn, then set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over. Dad tells him no, he can't do that. He tells him not to be ridiculous. Dad puts the side of his head on his hand and says he doesn't even want to know what he intended to write.
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11 MAR 1990
I'm hooOaaGHhH! AAAAAAAAA If you ache, it's because you don't properly stretch before exercising. I didn't know I was going to BE exercising!!
A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes is accused of heresy. Calvin explains Hobbes made an undisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of the club. Hobbes wants the record to show Calvin is a nincompoop. Calvin charges him with insubordination. Hobbes, as court stenographer, refuses to enter the verdict. He promotes himself to "El Tigre Numero Uno". Calvin promotes himself. Hobbes writes "Hobbes equals great" in the club notebook. That makes it law. Calvin takes the notebook. Hobbes takes Calvin's Supreme Dictator hat. They fight, then declare a truce. Calvin says this is a great club, but it's too bad they don't have more members. Hobbes says maybe they should allow Susie to join.
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12 MAR 1990
Do you... I mean, does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No, Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK, I'll put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter?
At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter.
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13 MAR 1990
Here's some clean clothes. Will you put them away, please? Hey, my underwear isn't pressed! Neither are my socks! You didn't finish ironing. Buddy, if you want your underwear ironed, you can do it yourself! What kind of mother ARE you?! She should take more pride in her work.
Mom hands Calvin some clean clothes. She asks him to put them away. Calvin says the underwear and socks aren't pressed. He says she didn't finish ironing. Mom tells him if he wants his underwear ironed, he can do it himself. Calvin angrily asks what kind of mother she is. Calvin says she should take more pride in her work, as he jams the clothes into an overflowing drawer.
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14 MAR 1990
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She said they certainly wouldn't have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin says he asked Mom if he was a gifted child. Mom had replied she certainly wouldn't have paid for him. He tells Hobbes he can relate this little story when reporters ask how he went bad.
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15 MAR 1990
Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own, and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give 'em back! Maybe you should be glad he's more literate than most stuffed animals. But they're MY comic books, not HIS! Well, you should learn to share. I don't think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why don't you go play outside, Calvin?
Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside.
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16 MAR 1990
How's your math coming? I don't DO math any more. I decided I'm more of a "visual" person. Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Visualizing a few sums now, eh? Actually, I'm visualizing YOU in traction. Help me do these, OK?
Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a "visual" person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction.
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17 MAR 1990
Hey Hobbes, I'll give you 20 questions to guess what I have in my hands, OK? OK. Is it loathsome? Yes! Is it some big centipede with poison pinchers? Centipedes have poison pinchers? I think so. Man, it's a good thing you guessed it so fast! With you, it's never too difficult.
Calvin tells Hobbes he'll give him 20 questions to guess what's in his hand. Hobbes asks if it's loathsome. Calvin says yes. Hobbes asks if it's a big centipede with poison pinchers. Calvin asks if they really have poison pinchers. Hobbes thinks so. Calvin jumps into Hobbes' arms and says it's a good thing he guessed so fast. Hobbes replies that with Calvin, it's never too difficult.
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18 MAR 1990
It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks "people".
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19 MAR 1990
Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry, on the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... Why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
Calvin asks Mom where they keep the extension cords. Mom tells him in the pantry, bottom shelf. Calvin then asks where they keep the blades for Dad's electric saw. Mom asks why he wants to know. Calvin tells her he's making an inventory list so he'll always know where to find things. He walks off saying he gets the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
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20 MAR 1990
Calvin, come out from wherever you're hiding and take your bath! Do you hear me, Calvin?! I mean NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it's MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
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21 MAR 1990
Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday.
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22 MAR 1990
I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!
Calvin tells Hobbes how much he likes his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He shows Hobbes how brown the milk gets. Calvin points out something on the nutritional label. Hobbes notices the cereal provides 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine. Calvin notices an offer to send for a "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll on the side panel of the box.
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23 MAR 1990
Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
Hobbes is lying on the floor, and Calvin starts playing with his toes saying "eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe". Hobbes opens an eye. Calvin continues saying "if he hollers.." as Hobbes starts to rise with an angry look on his face. Calvin walks off all scuffed up saying who writes these dumb things anyway.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1990
County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.
Calvin calls the county library looking for information on homemade bombs. Calvin needs a book that lists the needed supplies, and gives instructions for building, rigging, and detonating them. Calvin asks if any of their other branches have books like that. Dejectedly, Calvin hangs up saying people wonder why kids don't read.
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25 MAR 1990
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.
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26 MAR 1990
I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home.
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27 MAR 1990
Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1990
Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
Calvin yells in anguish throughout the entire strip. Mom tries to explain to Calvin that she knows he doesn't like Rosalyn, but she's the only person they could get. Mom reminds Calvin she wants him on his best behavior. She tells him to do whatever Rosalyn says to, because she doesn't want to hear any horror stories when they return. Mom tells Calvin to take a breath before he passes out on the floor.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1990
What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1990
Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
Mom invites Rosalyn in. Dad says Calvin will be on his best behavior, but Rosalyn asks for an advance. Dad isn't sure about that. Mom asks to speak with Dad. Dad tells her Rosalyn asked for an advance on tonight when she left last time. Mom tells him she doesn't care. She tells Dad to pay what it takes to get them out of there.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1990
OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.
As Dad leaves, he catches Calvin's attention. Dad drags a finger across his throat, then closes the door. Calvin sits on the floor and says he's going to look at the wall tonight. Rosalyn says she'll tell him when it's bedtime.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1990
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is in a bad mood. Hobbes is lying on the floor in Calvin's path. Calvin tells him to move. He asks if Hobbes thinks he has all day. Hobbes slowly stands up. Calvin says he's coming through. He tries pushing Hobbes out of the way. Calvin says when he says move, he expects Hobbes to jump. He pushes Hobbes, trying to get him to move. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He takes him away. Calvin demands an explanation, then sees the mud hole. Calvin is covered in mud. He yells "See why I'm in such a bad mood".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1990
This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if they get out of line once, Rosalyn will kill them. Then, when Mom and Dad return, they'll get killed again. Hobbes says that's that. Calvin refuses to admit defeat. He runs into the closet saying things look grim for them, but not for .....Stupendous Man! Champion of liberty, foe of tyranny. Hobbes tells Calvin he's going to get into bed now and avoid the rush.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1990
A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.
Stupendous Man streaks across the sky. The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue. Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted. Rosalyn is on the phone with her boyfriend, Charlie. She says she's at the little monster's house again, but that he's been pretty good tonight. Stupendous Man is creeping up behind her.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1990
Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
Rosalyn is telling Charlie that Calvin's parents are so desperate to get out once in a while. Stupendous Man leaps up yelling that freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny. He knocks Rosalyn off the chair. Stupendous Man has the strength of a million mortal men. He tells Rosalyn to give up. Rosalyn grabs the phone and tells Charlie she'll have to call him back. She says he wouldn't believe what the cretin is wearing. Stupendous Man has a leglock on Rosalyn and says he fights with heroic resolve.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1990
OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
Rosalyn rolls her sleeves up and asks if Calvin wants to play rough. Stupendous Man thinks she must have super powers, too. Rosalyn tells him he has two seconds to get his caped butt in bed, or she'll put it there for good. Stupendous Man says the evil Amazon is using a psycho-beam to weaken his stupendous will. Rosalyn starts counting. Stupendous Man tries to resist. When Rosalyn says "two", Stupendous Man is off.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1990
With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1990
There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1990
HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your Mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless, the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation short circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. THAT'S love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to ME once, but I figured it was COOTIES!!
Spaceman Spiff lands on Planet Gorzarg-5. He sets off across the desolate terrain in search of help. In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali. The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb. A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero. Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise. Our hero is trapped. How could things get worse? Calvin is leaning across the bathtub as Mom tells him to just get in.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1990
There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1990
All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
Rosalyn comes into the room. Calvin tells her he's been there all the time. Rosalyn tells him he snuck outside, took off his costume, and jumped in bed. She says he's going to get it now. Calvin thumbs his hands at Rosalyn asking what she can do since he's already in bed. She grabs Calvin and tells him to get downstairs. Calvin protests, saying he needs his sleep.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1990
While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1990
No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!
Calvin complains that he can't watch TV for a week. He says they think they've won, but he'll show them. He refuses to learn a lesson. They can't change him. He sits on the floor in front of the TV and says he's going to sit there all week, even though he can't turn it on.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1990
Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
Calvin asks Dad to explain the theory of relativity to him. He can't understand how time goes slower at great speed. Dad says it's because you keep changing time zones. It's like when you fly to California and gain two hours on a five-hour flight. Dad says at the speed of light, you gain more time because it doesn't take as long to get there. Dad says the theory of relativity only works if you're heading west. Calvin tells him that isn't what Mom said at all. She must be off her rocker. Dad says men are better at abstract reasoning. He tells Calvin to tell Mom that.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1990
Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out to the highway. Calvin wants to put on his roller skates, tie a rope around himself to the car bumper, and skate along behind at 55 mph. Calvin asks again if they can go. Up on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes Hobbes could drive.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1990
Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about NOW? KLUNK Oh no! Oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you NOW?!? That's it, Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mid! CALVIN, BE QUIET! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are, I'll look under the hood. Kick the car, Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. BEEEEEP! Beep! Beep! AAUGH! HOORAYY!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck, lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed decisions make chain reactions. Calvin says each decision they make determines the range of choices they'll face next. Coming to a fork in the road, Calvin chooses to go left. As a result of that decision, they're faced with jumping the ledge or riding along the side of it. If they hadn't turned left at the fork, this new choice would never have come up. Hobbes notes with some dismay, Calvin has chosen to jump the ledge. Hobbes asks if they should bail out or die in the landing. Calvin says that shows their first decision created a chain reaction of decisions. He decides they should jump. Lying in the stream, Calvin says if you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. Hobbes wishes they could talk about these things without the visual aids.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1990
Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
Calvin runs over to the swings. He gets on while saying he almost never gets a swing at recess. No one is telling him to hurry up, as he keeps swinging. Calvin decides this is either his lucky day, or he missed the end-of-recess bell again.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1990
Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
Susie comes over and asks if Calvin signed up to play baseball at recess. She says he must be the only one who didn't. The others are playing in the back fields. Calvin is the only boy on a playground full of girls. Susie says it looks that way. She asks if Calvin wants to teeter-totter with her. Calvin, shocked, says he's in Cootie Central and hasn't had his shots. Susie tells him stupidity produces antibodies. Calvin pulls his shirt over his mouth asking for an air filter.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1990
Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.
Calvin is on the teeter-totter with Susie. She asks why he didn't sign up to play baseball. Calvin says he'd just rather run around. He says he hates the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. He says someone is always telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. He figures when he wants that, he'll join the Army and at least get paid.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1990
Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1990
I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
Calvin tells Hobbes he signed up to play baseball at recess, even though he doesn't like it that much. Calvin likes playing with Hobbes, because they get to do everything. Hobbes admits he likes the part when they argue over the rules. Calvin figures it will be boring playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. Hobbes asks if Calvin even knows the right way to play. Calvin asks what happens if they make him a halfback. He wonders if he can tackle the shortstop or not.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1990
I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
Dad tells Calvin he heard Calvin signed up to play ball. Calvin admits he only did it to stop getting teased. Dad tells Calvin team sports are good for teaching teamwork and cooperation, winning graciously and accepting defeat. He says it builds character. Calvin says he's regretted every time he's built character. He says he doesn't want to learn teamwork or how to learn about winning or losing. He doesn't even want to compete. He asks what's wrong with having fun by yourself. Dad tells him when you grow up, it's not allowed. Calvin says that's all the more reason he should do it now.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1990
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1990
C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now, be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Thags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!
Dad offers to help Calvin practice baseball before dinner. Calvin goes out to get ready to field a ground ball. He complains that he should just move. Dad gets ready to hit the ball and tells Calvin not to wait on the ball. He needs to run up to the ball. Dad leans over Calvin, lying on the ground. Dad says the ball sometimes bounces up like that, and he has to be ready for that. Calvin, speaking through a clogged nose, tells Dad thanks for the tip. He tells Dad to find his nose and put it on ice so they can sew it back on.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1990
Goodness, what happened?! You were only out there a minute! A grounder bounced up and hit Calvin on the nose. I'B BLEEDIG! BY ODE DAD ID TRYIG TO GILL ME! Hold your head back, honey. Here's some more tissues. I'b nod playig badeball eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! Sit still so the bleeding can stop, OK? I guess we can forget having a millionaire baseball player support us in our old age. Dear! All my charagder id drippig out my node!
Mom asks why they're coming back inside. Dad tells her a ground ball bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin, still talking through a clogged nose, says his own Dad tried to kill him. His nose is bleeding. Mom tells him to hold his head back and use some tissues. Calvin says he's not playing baseball again. Dad says they can forget about having a millionaire baseball player supporting them in their old age. Calvin holds the tissues to his nose saying all his character is dripping out his nose.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1990
How's the nose? It finally stopped bleeding. I guess that means I have to go to school tomorrow. My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn the skills it takes to play a game I don't even want to play! Your nose is probably all clogged up now, huh? *snrkk* yeah, why? If you snore, I'm tilting the bed so you role out of the window. It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
Calvin tells Hobbes his nose stopped bleeding, so he'll have to go to school tomorrow. Calvin says his life's a disaster. He says he gets hurt learning the skills to play a game he doesn't want to. Hobbes asks if Calvin's nose is clogged, and Calvin says yes. Hobbes says if Calvin snores, he's going to tilt the bed so Calvin rolls out the window. Calvin is glad he has a sympathetic friend to talk to.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1990
I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that GIRLS don't have to put up with this nonsense. If a GIRL doesn't want to splay sports, that's fine! But if a GUY doesn't spend his afternoons chasing some stuped ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! On the other hand, BOYS aren't expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight. And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials!
Susie notices Calvin has a baseball glove. She asks if he signed up for recess baseball. Calvin tells her she's lucky girls don't have to put up with that nonsense. He says if a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine. If a guy doesn't want to chase some stupid ball, he's called a wimp. He says girls have it easy. Susie replies boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1990
Mr Lockjaw? I'm Calvin. I'm supposed to be on team five now. Oh yes, you're the one who signed up late. Hmm... OK, you go play left field. Left field. OK, I know that. Let's see, if I'm HERE, then left field would be... That way. Play DEEP left field. I guess this is pretty dep.
Calvin reports to the coach. The coach sends him to deep left field. Calvin isn't sure where that is, so the coach points it out to him. Calvin goes so far he's in tall grass. He figures that is pretty deep.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1990
I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. I've been standing out here in deep left field all this time, and not a single ball has come out here! Actually, I suppose that's just as well. I don't know what base to throw to anyway. In fact, I'm not even sure I can throw that far. Hey, what's everyone doing? Are people switching teams, or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well, I'm sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different.
In the tall grass, Calvin complains that baseball is the most boring game in the world. He's been standing out there all this time, and not a single ball has come out to him. Then, he figures that's alright, because he doesn't know which base to throw it to. Calvin notices the teams exchanging positions. The guys at bat are now out in the field. Calvin is sure someone would tell him if he was supposed to be doing something different.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1990
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Calvin returns home and remembers how Hobbes pounces on him. He gets an idea to make a broomstick Calvin to fool Hobbes. He sets the stick Calvin on the porch and calls "I'm home". Hobbes opens the door, grabs the fake Calvin, then asks if he can read Calvin's comic books. Calvin ties to open the door, but it's locked. He hears Hobbes ask to draw mustaches on all the superheroes. Calvin sits on the front porch saying he'll get him for this if it takes his whole life.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1990
Our hero, the fearless Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy! There's no hope of rescue from this bleak and isolated world! Oh, what a desolate place to be trapped! Spiff tries desparately to repair his disabled spacecraft! CRACK High fly to left field! Who's out there?! Our hero pauses. There's some commotion on the horizon. ALIENS! Spiff grabs his blaster!
Spaceman Spiff is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy. There's no hope of rescue from this bleak world. Spiff tries to repair his disabled spacecraft. CRACK! There's a fly ball to left field. Calvin says there is a commotion on the horizon. Aliens! Calvin says Spiff grabs his blaster.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1990
Where's the left fielder?! Somebody catch it! Left field?! Hey, that's ME! Wow! A high fly right to me! I got it! I got it! I caught it!! HE CAUGHT IT! IT'S AN OUT! WAP! I'm just a natural athlete, I guess. Hey, who's HE? Isn't he on the other team?
Shouts go out to the left fielder. Calvin realizes that's him. He runs up under the fly ball and makes the catch. It's an out! Calvin proudly brings the ball in saying he's a natural athlete. One of the kids asks who he is. Another one thinks Calvin is on the other team.
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02 MAY 1990
Hey, look who made the out! It's CALVIN! Heck, it was nothing, guys. When you're in top physical condition like me, you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! It's a new inning! We're up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops, I dropped the catch. It doesn't count now, right? Get him off our team, Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please??
The batter notices Calvin was the one who caught it. Calvin walks up saying you can do that stuff when you're in top physical condition like he is. They explain to Calvin that it's a new inning, and his team is at bat. The batter complains Calvin got one of his own team out. He calls him a dweeb, a jerk, an idiot. Calvin tries to drop the ball then. His teammates want to coach to get him off the team. The batter wants to hit Calvin with the bat.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1990
Hey stupid, if you're going to get OUR guys out, why don't you join the other team?! What were you doing in the outfield? Don't you even know how to play?! C'mon guys, it's just a GAME! This is supposed to be fun! Games are only fun when you WIN, bonehead! You're gonna make us LOSE! If you screw up again, you're dead meat, Calvin! Who taught you how to play anyway? Your grandmother? Wait till I tell the other teams about THIS! Mr Lockjaw, I don't want to play any more. There's too much team spirit. OK, quitter! Goodbye.
Calvin's teammates continue to berate him. They say he should be on the other team if he's going to get them out. They say he doesn't know how to play. Calvin protests that it's a game and is supposed to be fun. One of the team says it's only fun if you win. They say he's dead meat if he screws up again. They ask if Calvin's grandmother taught him to play. Calvin walks up to the coach and says he doesn't want to play anymore. There's too much team spirit. The coach says "OK, quitter! Goodbye".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1990
I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I DIDN'T play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I STOPPED playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please ANYone. In that case, why not just please yourself? Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar.
Up in the tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't understand. When he didn't play, the other kids teased him. When he did play, the other kids teased him. Then the coach called him a quitter when he stopped playing. Calvin says unless you're a star, you can't please anyone. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just please himself. Calvin replies that Mom won't let him move to Madagascar.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1990
It's Saturday! What do you want to do? Anything but play an organized sport. Want to play Calvinball? YEAH! No sport is less organized than Calvinball! New rule! New rule! If you don't touch a 30-yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot!
Hobbes says it's Saturday and wants to know what Calvin wants to do. Calvin says anything but an organized sport. Hobbes asks if he wants to play Calvinball. Hobbes says no sport is less organized than Calvinball. Calvin calls a new rule. If you don't touch the 30 yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1990
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other
Calvin looks at his food and pokes it. It grabs a knife, and they fight. Calvin knocks the knife away. The food garbs a spoon, scoops itself and hits Calvin with it. SPLAT! Calvin runs away. Mom puts her hand on her head in frustration, while Calvin says not to blame him. He was the one who said they should call for a pizza.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1990
Today for "Show and Tell", I have a souvenir from the afterlife! Yes, you heard right! Equally amazing is my own story of yesterday afternoon, when I actually died of boredom! I was doing my homework, when I suddenly collapsed! I felt myself rising, and could see my crumpled body on the floor. I drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world! Eventually, my heart started again and I came back to life... but not before bringing THIS back! A yo-yo? It was pretty boring THERE, too. Let's have a look at that homework.
Calvin is in front of the class for "show and tell". He has a souvenir from the afterlife. He says it's as amazing as his story of yesterday afternoon, when he actually died of boredom. He says he was doing his homework when he collapsed. He felt himself rising and saw his crumpled body on the floor. He drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world. Eventually, his heart started again, and he came back to life. But he didn't come back before bringing his souvenir. He pulls out a yo-yo. He tells Miss Wormwood it was pretty boring there, also. She wants to look at his homework.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1990
And so, having eaten her fill, the mother bird returns to her nest... ...where she regurgitates the worms to feed her hungry brood.
Calvin is watching a nature show on TV. The show talks about the mother bird, having eaten her fill, returning to the nest to regurgitate the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is startled. At the dinner table, he looks at the plate of food Mom gives him with distrust.
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09 MAY 1990
...sighhhhhh... CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION! AUGH There's no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
Calvin is sitting at his desk. His head droops forward as he fights sleep. The teacher yells for him to pay attention. He lifts his head up. He says there's no head rest on his chair. He should sue for whiplash.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1990
Hey Mom, did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well, tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here, you may want these. Well, heh heh, gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid, you're next.
Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1990
This time I'm really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
Calvin says this time, he's really going to learn how to ride his bicycle. He says balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two feet. Just as he says that, he trips. He tumbles forward, his shoe flying off. As he gets up, he says that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
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12 MAY 1990
I don't want to do my homework. I want to have FUN. TOO MUCH STRESS IS UNHEALTHY, YOU KNOW! I don't see why I had to come in.
Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He's sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands by him. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1990
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1990
I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it "effective time management", or "ETM" for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it "Effective Time Management", or "ETM" for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1990
No I won't take a picture of you.
Armed with a flyswatter, Calvin chases a fly in the house. He swats it in mid-air, then picks it up. Mom tells him she will not take a picture of him holding his kill.
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16 MAY 1990
KA ZAM! What?
Dad is reading in his chair when Calvin walks up to him. Calvin moves his arms and says KAZAM! Dad turns into a giant, alien bug. Calvin walks away while Dad asks what that was about.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1990
EWW! What IS this?! It looks like COMPOST! Mom doesn't appreciate me.
Mom is filling the shopping cart with groceries. She carries the three bags of food. She has pots and pans all over the kitchen preparing dinner. She serves a plate to Calvin, who says it looks like compost. Later, sitting at the table alone with his food, Calvin says Mom doesn't appreciate him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1990
Hey Hobbes, what's a "paper tiger"? It's like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper route. Oh. This book makes no sense at all.
Calvin is reading a book and asks Hobbes what a "Paper Tiger" is. Hobbes explains that it's a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin continues to read, but says this book makes no sense at all.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1990
Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued.
Calvin asks Dad if he'd pay him a dollar to eat a bug. Dad says he'd have to eat a whole bucket of bugs before he'd pay him a dollar. Dad adds that Calvin could pick up sticks in the back yard for a dollar, if he'd prefer. Calvin, while picking up sticks, laments that his real skills are undervalued.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1990
Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute, what do you mean, "remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad, should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad, like to his car, hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was REAL bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could FIND the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. Que Pasa, Senorita? I am el fugitivo!
Spaceman Spiff zooms to the surface of Ahnooie-4. He sets off to search for sentient life. Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so stupid it just stares completely straight ahead, unaware of anything around it. Our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that Calvin's shooting spit balls. Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again. A giant creature comes up behind him.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1990
On a distant planet Zark, we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero, the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead, the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large, sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin, this is humiliating!! I don't want to go! Put me down!
On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1990
Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens! What do they want with him? Spiff is soon to find out! Our hero is called before the alien potentate! ... where it becomes clear that Spiff is about to be sacrificed... ... to appease the evil god they call "nollij"! Up to the blackboard. Hurry up.
Calvin sits at his desk with teeth gritted. He says Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens. He wonders what they want with him. Spiff is called before the alien potentate. It becomes clear Spiff is going to be sacrificed....to appease the evil god they call "Nollij". Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to go to the blackboard.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1990
Staring death in the face, our hero thinks fast. Inching closer to the sacrificial pit, Spiff slowly and smoothly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt! YAA! All right, you bloodsucking mutant chromosomal disasters! Nobody move! I'm outta here! Calvin, give me that rubber band right this minute! I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
Calvin, looking at the math problem on the board, says our hero thinks fast. He slowly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt. He turns and tells the bloodsucking, mutant chromosomal disasters that he's out of there. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to give her the rubber band right this minute.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1990
Spiff escapes! The dank and smelly corridors of the alien fortress are deserted! All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise! The fearless space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit! Calvin, get back here! Spiff jumps into the cockpit, pressurises the launch thrusters, and... blasts off! Our hero is safe! Tomorrow: Or IS he??
Spiff escapes. The smelly corridors of the fortress are deserted. All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise. The space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit. Miss Wormwood yells for Calvin to come back to the room. Spiff jumps into his spacecraft and blasts off. He's safe!
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1990
Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!
Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1990
Boy, I sure got in big trouble TODAY! Mom hit the roof when she found out I just left school. What happened? She drove me back and we had to talk to my teacher AND the principal! They talked about study habits, and now I've got extra homework! Ooh. And Dad is going to check it every night to make sure it's done right! Can you believe it?! So try to do an extra good job now, OK? You're lucky tigers are so smart.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he got in trouble when Mom found out he had just left school. She drove him back, and they had a talk with his teacher and the principal. They discussed his study habits, and now he has extra homework. Dad's going to check it every night to make sure it's right. He hands the book to Hobbes and tells him to do an extra good job. Hobbes tells him he's lucky tigers are so smart.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1990
I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Calvinball. Calvin stole Hobbes' flag. Hobbes hit him with the Calvin ball. He has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song. Calvin protests he was in the "no song" zone. Hobbes corrects him, as he had touched the "opposite pole", so now the "no song zone" is a "song zone". Calvin complains that Hobbes didn't declare it. Hobbes says he declared it oppositely by not declaring it. Calvin starts singing, and Hobbes joins in. When they're finished, Calvin says he gets free passage to wicket five. Hobbes tells him they did that last time. Calvin makes up a new rule to jump until someone finds the bonus box. As they jump away, Calvin says the only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice. Hobbes says the score is "Q to 12".
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28 MAY 1990
UFOs! Are they real?? Have they landed in our towns and neighborhoods? Do the chilling photographs by an amateur photographer really show a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter, or are the pictures an elaborate hoax? Listen to an expoert on space aliens speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry! All this and more... ...on Calvin's show and tell ... NEXT! Calvin, will you come here please?
Calvin stands in front of the class and asks if UFO's are real. He holds up pictures while asking if the amateur photographer got pictures of a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter. Or are they an elaborate hoax? He implores the class to listen to the space alien expert speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry. All this and more on Calvin's show and tell coming up next. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to come over to her.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1990
Twitching tufted tail, a toasty tawny tummy: a tired tiger. ... an alliterative haiku by Calvin. Thank you, thank you. Sheesh.
Hobbes is lying on the floor, sleeping. Calvin comes up and says "Twitching tufted tail, a toasty, tawny tummy: a tired tiger". He takes a bow for him alliterative haiku. Hobbes thinks "sheesh".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1990
You know how people look at modern art and always say, "My 6-year old kid could do that!"? Well, that gave me this great idea! I've decided to become a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums! A lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars now, so I make a pretty good hourly rate. You should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Ooh yeah, glad you caught that!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say modern art is something "my six-year-old kid could do that". Calvin has decided to be a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums. Since a lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars, he'll make a pretty good hourly rate. Hobbes tells him he should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Calvin is glad Hobbes caught that.
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31 MAY 1990
"Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it? You mean guns? No. Any violence at all? Um... not really. Any references to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Of course not! What makes you think I'll like this?
Dad starts reading a bedtime story. Calvin asks if the story has any shoot-ups in it. Dad says no. Calvin asks if it has any violence at all. Dad says of course not. Calvin asks Dad why he thinks Calvin will like the story.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1990
Hey Mom, want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda, I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin, I don't... But that's not all! At the same time, I'll also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.
Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1990
Well, look who's up! Good morning sleepyhead! You've missed the best part of the day! I've been up since 6:30 getting many things accomplished! At least when I have a day off, I can tell the difference. I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets.
Calvin walks toward Dad rubbing his eyes and yawning. Dad tells him he's missed the best part of the day. Dad says he's been up since 6:30, and he's gotten many things accomplished. Calvin walks off saying when he has a day off, he can tell the difference. Dad says he just knows some nurse switched the bassinets.
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03 JUNE 1990
Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Susie knocks on Calvin's door. Stupendous Man answers. Susie asks what he is doing. Calvin tells her he was just about to use his stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry. He says duty calls, so he slams the door on Susie. A bolt of crimson streaks across the sky. He's off to save the day. Susie returns home. Her mom asks if they had an egg she could borrow. Susie says no one was home.
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04 JUNE 1990
CLICK. Pander to me!
Calvin runs in and turns on the television. He sits on the floor and tells the TV to "pander to me".
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05 JUNE 1990
Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
Dad sees Calvin playing a record, so he decides to tell Calvin something interesting. He shows the point on the label and a point on the outer edge of the record. They make a circle at the same time. Dad says the point on the outside of the record has to travel faster because it makes a bigger circle. Two points on the same disk, moving at different speeds, even though they make the same revolutions per minute. Calvin lies awake in his bed at night, eyes wide open, trying to understand it.
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06 JUNE 1990
On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!
Calvin starts a race between him and Hobbes. They slowly move. Calvin moves ahead. Hobbes tells him that he's going so slow, he's going backward. He says he's winning. Calvin tells him he's cheating.
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07 JUNE 1990
Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad asks if it's important. Calvin tells him to forget he called him "Dad". He says it's not Calvin. Dad tells him he has work to do and that he'll see him when he gets home. Calvin asks if he has any crimes to report. Standing in his Stupendous Man costume, Calvin says this secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
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08 JUNE 1990
Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.
Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.
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09 JUNE 1990
LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.
At the dinner table, Calvin says "Look" and points to the side. When Mom looks over, Calvin dumps his dinner onto Mom's plate. Mom says she didn't see anything. Calvin tells her she missed it, and he's done eating. Dad looks over and asks what Calvin saw. Mom looks at her heaping plate and says "an opportunity".
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1990
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Calvin readies his sled for a trip down the hill. He tells Hobbes life is like topography. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure. He's dedicating himself to only experiencing peaks. He wants his life to be one never ending ascension. Each minute should bring greater joy than the previous minute. As they sail off the hill, Calvin is saying he's going to jump from peak to peak. Tumbling down, Hobbes says with flat places, you don't have so far to go down. Calvin says only losers go down. He's only going up and up.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1990
I don't feel so good. You don't look so good. Let me feel your forehead. Summer vacation started! I can't be sick! Your head's hot. I'll get the thermometer. NO! I REFUSE! FORGET IT! I HATE THERMOMETERS! I still don't believe her that these things take two hours to register. Now be nice and quiet and I'll check on you this afternoon.
Calvin tells Mom he doesn't feel so good. Mom agrees that he doesn't look good. She feels his forehead. Calvin says summer vacation started, and he can't be sick. Mom tells him she's going to get the thermometer. Calvin yells out that he refuses and that he hates thermometers. Mom puts one in his mouth. Calvin doesn't believe her when she says it takes two hours to register. Mom tells him to be nice and quiet, and she'll check on him in the afternoon.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1990
Ooh, I itch! This is worse than bug bites! Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy! COOL!
Calvin is scratching himself. He says it's worse than bug bites. As he keeps scratching, he says whatever it is drives him crazy. He pulls off his shirt and sees spots. Calvin thinks that's cool.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1990
Yep, that's chicken pox all right. CHICKEN pox?! Mom, what IS this guy? A veterinarian? The virus should run its course in about a week. He's mad! MAD, I say! I'll be the REAL doctor is tied up and gagged in the other exam room! He's extremely contagious, so keep him away from other kids. Sue him, Mom! Drive his malpractice insurance up! Calvin has to be INSIDE for a WEEK?? That's a nasty twitch you've developed. Hey Doc, for 10 bucks I'll make sure you see those kids in the waiting room again real soon!
The doctor tells Mom that Calvin has chicken pox. Calvin asks if he's a veterinarian. The doctor says it will run its course in about a week. Calvin complains that the doctor is mad. He accuses him of having the real doctor tied up and gagged in the other exam room. The doctor says Calvin is extremely contagious, so he needs to be kept from other kids. Calvin wants Mom to sue him and drive up his malpractice insurance. Horrified, Mom repeats that Calvin has to be inside for a week. The doctor notices a nasty twitch Mom has developed. Calvin offers, for ten dollars, to make sure the doctor sees all the kids in the waiting room again real soon.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1990
Hello? Hi Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy, I don't think you've EVER invited me to... Calvin, what are you doing? Nothing, Mom. Go away. You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1990
You're absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox? Right. You're absolutely POSITIVE tigers can't catch chicken pox? Go to bed, Calvin.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox. Calvin says yes. Hobbes isn't so sure, so he shows his claws to Calvin. Calvin wakes Mom up to ask if she's absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1990
See, the chicken pox are going away. That's good. Well, just remember that this week doesn't count. Doesn't count? Right. Summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. I get to start school a week later now. So I get my full allotment of vacation. OK, what's the NEXT amendment say? I know it's in here someplace.
Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1990
We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
Everything has turned neo-cubist. It started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a debate. Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue. Then Calvin began to see both sides of everything. The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned. Perspective has been fractured. The multiple views provide too much information. Calvin tries to eliminate all but one perspective. It works! The world falls into a recognizable order. He walks up to Dad and tells him he's still wrong.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1990
Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.
At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused to watch a TV program. Mom says they're still eating. Calvin says he's finished. He says the stuff was awful, and he wants to watch television. Mom explains that it's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. Calvin asks if he's just supposed to sit there and watch them chew. Mom tells him his television show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. Calvin offers a compromise of watching a sitcom family. Angrily, Dad says that in a minute, Calvin's going to discover the difference between those and real life.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1990
My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
Calvin says his TV show is starting. Dad is sure Calvin's instinct for survival will kick in soon. Calvin wants to know what the big deal is about dinner. He says lots of people watch TV while they eat. Dad tells him that dinner is the one meal a day they set aside to be together and talk. He says there's more to being a family than just being in the same house. They need to interact once in a while. Calvin says they could argue about what channel to watch.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1990
I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
Grumpily, Calvin says he's missed half his show. He hopes Mom and Dad are happy. Dad says he shouldn't be planning his life around the TV anyway. Dad says he doesn't think it's too much to ask that they sit together 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. The phone rings, and Mom goes to get it. She says she's expecting a call. Calvin tells Dad to go ahead. He thinks Dad was saying something funny. Dad says he has all these great genes, but they're all recessive. That's the problem here.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1990
C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
Calvin tells Hobbes they have to play outside. He says Dad won't let him watch TV. Dad says since it's summer, he should play outside and run around, instead of sitting in front of a tube. Calvin calls Dad a dictator. Hobbes says it's cruel to be forced to play. As Calvin climbs on his swing, he says he'll show him. He refuses to have fun.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1990
OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!
Calvin and Hobbes are going to race to a tree. Hobbes says this one will determine the championship of the universe. Calvin asks how long they've been outside. Hobbes tells him an hour. Calvin races off saying where does the time go. He goes over to the window and tells Dad he's not having any fun.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1990
It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Dad says it's getting dark, and he calls Calvin inside. Calvin was catching fire flies, and he wants to stay out longer. Dad says first Calvin didn't want to go out, now he doesn't want to come in. Dad tells him that by not watching TV, he had more fun and will have memories of something real he did instead of something fake that he watched. In bed, Calvin says nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1990
What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Calvin and Hobbes are tumbling, drawing pictures, chasing a frog, in their treehouse, playing baseball, reading comic books, swinging, playing treasure hunt, and playing in the sandbox. Mom asks Calvin to empty a bag into the garage trash can. Calvin complains some vacation this summer is.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1990
Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.
Calvin is in a box and tells Hobbes to hop in, they're going to get rich. Hobbes wants no part of it. He doesn't want to be transmogrified, duplicated, or whatever. Calvin reminds him that when the top is open, it's a time machine. Hobbes says that's even worse. Calvin chides him for being such a baby. He says the way Hobbes acts, the dinosaur actually got them last time. He says it wasn't even a carnivore. Hobbes doesn't care. He says Calvin and that box are plain bad news.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1990
Too bad you're not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know. The less often, the better, is what I say. We're just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos, we'll get rich! You can drop the "we" stuff. I'm not going. OK, well, I guess I'll have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said you're not going.
Calvin says it's too bad Hobbes isn't going back to the Jurassic period with him. Calvin says they're going on a photo safari. Hobbes says he can drop the "we" stuff. Calvin says he'll have to eat all these great snacks himself. Hobbes asks what kind of snacks and how many.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1990
I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.
Hobbes figures if they're good snacks, it's okay to time travel. Calvin sets the dial for 140 million years ago, and off they go. Hobbes asks why they don't get younger as they travel back through time and disappear as they pass the day they're born. Calvin says he'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. Hobbes says he thought Calvin got a "D" in math.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1990
Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.
Hobbes asks if it's time for snacks. Calvin explains they're traveling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse. He says to wait until they land. Hobbes offers to inventory the snacks. Calvin says he could help him drive. He's worried that if they miss their exit, they could fly into the big bang. He says there would be no universe, and probably no time. Hobbes thinks they should eat the snacks now.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1990
There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.
They see a diplodocus. They're in the Jurassic. Hobbes can't believe Calvin wanted to come back. Calvin said last time, they forgot the camera. He figures they only need a few dinosaur photos, and they'll get rich when they get home. Hobbes thinks if they get in National Geographic, he can meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue. Calvin asks if they were females. He doesn't know how Hobbes can tell the difference.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1990
Hey! There's a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See, these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. He's smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
They have a chance for pictures of stegosaurs. Calvin says these pictures will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior. Paleontologists will pay through the nose for these pictures. Hobbes points behind him to take the picture of the dinosaur that's smiling. It's a allosaurus! Calvin is busy looking the other way for his photo.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1990
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
Calvin suggests a game of tossing a water balloon back and forth. Each time they catch it, they take a step back. Calvin throws the balloon to Hobbes. Calvin catches the return toss. He steps back and hits Hobbes with the balloon. He starts laughing at Hobbes, who stands there drenched. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He asks if Hobbes can't take a joke. He says he didn't do it on purpose. Hobbes dunks Calvin in the rain barrel. As he climbs out, Calvin says it's no fun to play games with a poor sport.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1990
What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
Hobbes asks what that ugly brute is called. Calvin is horrified when he sees it's an allosaur. Hobbes tells him he doesn't need to yell. He's standing right there. Calvin tells Hobbes to run. As they run, Calvin tells Hobbes that when they get to the time machine, throw the snacks they packed. It might divert him while they take off. Hobbes says Calvin can throw his snacks, but Hobbes might still want his. Calvin yells that he's going to be a snack himself. He yells to get in.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1990
Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! We're taking off! Eww, this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! We're off! Here. Boy, that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich, can I eat it?
Calvin tells Hobbes to throw some food. Hobbes doesn't want to throw his sandwich. Hobbes finds a mushy banana that he throws to the dinosaur. Calvin says it was a close call, but it will be worth it when they develop their pictures. Hobbes asks if he can eat Calvin's sandwich, since he rescued it.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1990
Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back
Calvin runs up to Mom and asks if she knows where he and Hobbes have been. She says she saw him playing in a cardboard box out back. Calvin says that's what it looked like, but they really time-traveled to the Jurassic period and returned at the split second they left. That's why it didn't look like they left. He says they saw lots of dinosaurs. He asks if Mom will take some film to be developed. He'll pay her back when Time magazine coughs up for his story.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1990
Hobbes, look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Let's see! Wow, these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! There's me! There's me! Yes! Yes! We're RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. I'll buy a car too, but since I can't drive for another decade, we'll have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him, he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn, right?
Calvin has the pictures from the Jurassic trip. The pictures came out great. Calvin says they can get their own apartment now. Calvin says he'll also buy a car, but since he can't drive for another decade, he'll get a chauffeur. Hobbes says that if they pay him, he'll have to let them sit up front and beep the horn.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1990
Well Dad, it's too bad you weren't any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep, I can't say I'm particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here, look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! We're going to be rich. I didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
Calvin tells Dad it's too bad he wasn't nicer to him all these years. He explains that he's not inclined to share his future millions with Dad. He shows him the pictures he took. Dad comments that he didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. Calvin wants to know what Dad is insinuating.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1990
Dad doesn't believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme won't work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money, he'd pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didn't want the money THAT bad.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad doesn't believe they went to the Jurassic period and took photographs of real dinosaurs. Calvin continues that Dad thinks they took toy dinosaurs and took pictures of those. Dad told Calvin that if he really wanted to make money, Dad would pay a dollar for Calvin to pull weeds out of the front walk. Calvin told him he didn't want the money that bad.
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Scientific Progress Goes \The Indispensable Calvin And HobbesThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1990
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
A quetzalcoatlus swoops over the tyrannosaurus. The tyrannosaur lunges and brings down the flying pest. The commotion draws other tyrannosaurs, greedy for an undeserved piece. Mom asks Calvin for a piece of chicken at the picnic table. Calvin whisks the plate away, saying it's all his. Driven away by the roaring and gnashing of the intruders, the tyrannosaur nurses a deep grudge. Revenge will soon be his.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1990
Hey Mom, if we were cannibals, what parts of people would we eat? What? You know, where would the steaks be? Would legs be like drumsticks? Would kids be like veal? Ughh! Go be disgusting somewhere else! Out! Some people just don't have inquisitive minds.
Calvin asks Mom what parts of people they would eat if they were cannibals. Calvin wants to know where the steaks would be, if legs would be like drumsticks, and if kids would be like veal. Mom scoots him away telling him to be disgusting somewhere else. Calvin grumbles that some people just don't have inquisitive minds.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1990
Ever notice how the older people get, the slower they do things? I wonder why that is. I would think that the less life you had left, the faster you'd want to do everything, so you could pack more into the remaining years. You can bet when I'm a geezer like Dad, I'll be going like a maniac. Oh great.
Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever noticed that the older people get, the slower they do things. Calvin wonders why that is. He figures that the less life you have left, you'd want to do everything faster so you could pack more in the remaining years. He tells Hobbes that when he's a geezer like Dad, he'll be going like a maniac.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1990
Better hurry. Your Mom's yelling something.
Calvin is standing backward on the top of a ladder, his back to his wading pool. Hobbes is standing next to the pool yelling up at Calvin. He tells Calvin he better hurry, Mom's yelling something.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1990
Easy... easy now... that's it... Steady, boy... easy... nice bike... AUGH! PHPPBT!
Calvin warily approaches his bike. He says "easy now". He gets closer and says "steady boy....nice bike". Suddenly, the bike rears up and startles Calvin. Calvin peeks at the bike from behind a tree.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1990
Wow, what happened to YOU?? That darn bicycle tried to killme! You fell off? It took me 40 minutes to subdue it to the point where I could climb on, and then it bucked me right over the handlebars! You fell off. THEN it tried to run me over! It's out to kill me! I'm lucky to be alive! Well, balancing takes a little practice. Do you have a rifle? Will you shoot it?
Calvin comes into the house all scarred and dirty. Dad asks what happened to him. Calvin tells him the bicycle tried to kill him. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin says it took 40 minutes to subdue it to the point he could climb on, then it bucked him over the handlebars. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin tells him it then tried to run him over. He says he's lucky to be alive. Dad tells him balancing takes a little practice. Calvin asks Dad if he has a rifle and if he'll shoot the bike.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1990
Maybe we should get your inner ear checked.
Calvin peeks out the door. After he's outside, the bike peeks around the corner at him. The bike chases him down the street. Looking at Calvin lying on the ground, Dad says maybe they should get his inner ear checked.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1990
Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk. He tears off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper. At his size, folding the sheet is difficult, but Calvin's patience is rewarded. He makes a paper airplane, pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk. A gust from an open window sends Calvin across the house. Calvin leans to steer. He runs the paper plane into Dad. Sitting under a tree outside, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need parents. All he needs is a recording that says "go play outside".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1990
Hi Calvin! What are you doing down there? SHH! SHH! Get down! Be quiet! Have you seen my bicycle? No... Thank goodness. If my bike doesn't get me first, I'm going to cit all its spokes in two. You never saw me today, got it? Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day."
Susie sees Calvin behind the tree. Calvin tells her to be quiet and asks if she's seen his bicycle. Calvin whispers to Susie that if his bike doesn't get him first, he's going to cut its spokes. He says she never saw him today. After Calvin leaves, Susie says her class voted Calvin "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1990
Want some oil? See? Nice oil? Wouldn't you like some? Easy... Easy... Rrrr YAA! I got you now! You're going to the scrap heap, you rabid pile of rusty AAH OW WHOA DOWN! I NEVER got MY face caught in the chain when I learned to ride a bike. Really, how did this happen? I TOLD you! Ow!
Calvin walks up to his bike asking if it would like some oil. Calvin jumps at the bike, saying it's going to the scrap heap. The two struggle. Mom is cleaning Calvin, who's all scarred and dirty. Dad says he never got his face caught in the chain when he was learning to ride a bike. Mom asks Calvin what really happened. Calvin insists he already told her.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1990
That stupid bicycle! I hate it! I'm never going to ride one as long as I live. CREEAAKK W-what's that? AUGHH! MY BICYCLE HAS BEEN LYING IN WAIT! IT'S COMING TO GET ME! HELP! HELP! S-see? It's trying to k-kill me! It was just a dream, honey. ...but why on earth did you bring your bike upstairs to your closet?
In bed, Calvin says he hates his stupid bike. He's never going to ride one as long as he lives. He hears a creak. His bicycle comes out of his bedroom closet. Calvin shouts that the bike has been lying in wait and is coming to get him. He yells for help. Mom comes to his room and holds Calvin close. Calvin tells her that he told her it's trying to kill him. She says it was just a dream, but she asks why he brought his bike upstairs to his closet.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1990
Calvin, will you take this to the garbage can in the garage please? The GARAGE?? Are you mad? I WILL be, if you don't hop to it. But that's where my killer bicycle is! I can't go out there! It'll jump me! I don't want any nonsense. Just do what I asked, OK? Rrrr. I wonder how far from this house my savings would get me.
Mom asks Calvin to take a garbage bag to the garage. He asks if she's mad. He says that's where his killer bicycle is. He says it will jump him. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and sends him to take the garbage. In the garage, the bicycle is growling at Calvin. Calvin, back pressed against the wall, wonders how far from home his savings will get him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1990
Psst! Hobbes! What are you doing up there? Hiding from my killer bicycle. It can't climb trees, so I guess I'll stay here for the rest of my life. You should just wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. That way when the stick hits the fork, the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Hey, that's a GREAT idea! Hobbes, you're a lifesaver! We could mosey over to the kitchen if you're wondering how you can possibly thank me enough.
Calvin whispers down to Hobbes from a tree branch. Calvin tells him he's hiding from his killer bicycle. He says it can't climb trees, so he'll have to stay there the rest of his life. Hobbes tells him to wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. He explains when the stick hits the fork, the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Calvin comes down calling Hobbes a lifesaver. Hobbes suggests they could mosey over to the kitchen if Calvin wonders how he could possibly thank him enough.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1990
I did it, Hobbes! I put a stick in the spokes of my killer bicycle! When it tried to chase me, it flipped over! I wrestled it to exhaustion, and then I let the air out of its tires! Ha! I guess that nasy ol' thing won't be coming after me any more! We're too smart for it! Man triumphs over machine! Training wheels! What a good idea! I pumped up his tires too. They were both flat.
Calvin runs up to Hobbes telling him he put the stick in the bicycle's spokes. Calvin says when it tried to chase him, it flipped over. Calvin says he then wrestled it to exhaustion and let the air out of its tires. He says that nasty ol' thing won't be coming after him anymore. He says they're too smart for it. Mom notices Dad putting training wheels on Calvin's bicycle. Dad says he pumped up the tires. They were both flat.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1990
Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits it and runs the bases. Hobbes casually retrieves the ball as Calvin passes eleventh base. Hobbes walks with the ball. Calvin's going for home after touching twenty-fifth base. Hobbes tags Calvin out. Calvin, exhausted, thinks they need to change the rules.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1990
A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
At the table, Calvin and Hobbes call for a toast to them. Best friends forever. They both start munching their slices of toast.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1990
Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
Calvin walks up to Dad and says he supposes Dad wants to know how he's doing in the polls. Dad doesn't. Calvin shows him a chart indicating the "Average Dad Approval Rating" being 70%. He shows Dad's rating at just under 10%. Calvin continues showing charts that indicate Dad's rating would improve with every hour added to bedtime. By midnight, Dad would be up to normal. Calvin concludes by saying these findings suggest a logical course of action. Dad wonders how much time Calvin spends making those charts.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1990
My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin comes up and says a poem. It talks about his tiger running around nude. His fur coat lies on the floor. Is this a permanent change, or were the colors passe? Will he want it back, or should he use it for a rug? Calvin walks away, and Hobbes wonders when school starts.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1990
People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says "Calvin, certified genius." Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
Calvin laments people don't understand him. He says he's a card-carrying genius. He shows Hobbes his card, which reads "Calvin, certified genius". Hobbes is impressed that he has a certificate. Calvin admits that he doesn't, but says people don't check those things. He just says it's at the frame shop. Hobbes admits that's pretty smart. Calvin reminds him he's a genius. Hobbes looks at the card and wonders if Calvin embossed the card with a screwdriver.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1990
AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything?
Calvin opens the vacuum cleaner and removes the dirt bag. He cuts it open, and dirt pours out on the floor. Mom yells at him. Sitting on the porch step, Calvin wonders how he's supposed to learn surgery if he can't dissect anything.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1990
You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!
Calvin tells Hobbes that ants run everywhere. It's like they think they have to be somewhere on time. Calvin shows the ants never walking, but always going top speed. He says that's silly. Calvin tells Hobbes to come around back, he wants to show him something else. Off they run.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1990
It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1990
With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something.
Great thunder clouds pile high into the sky. There's a blinding flash of light. It's Calvin the lightning bolt. The bolt heads toward the house. In a fraction of a second, the house will be in a million pieces. Mom picks Calvin up. He drops his saw as Mom tells him that she knows it's raining, but that he should play a board game or something.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1990
Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine.
Calvin hops out of bed saying every day is the same old thing. He takes his pajama top off and says "but not today". He walks out the door naked as Mom chases him down. In his room, he puts on his clothes saying everybody's a slave to routine.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1990
Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
Calvin asks Mom if he can get contact lenses. Mom tells him his eyes are fine, and that he doesn't need them. Calvin tells her they have some that change the color of your eyes. Mom says his eyes are pretty the way they are. Calvin tells her with contacts, he could make one eye red and the other yellow striped like a bug. Sitting on a log with Hobbes, Calvin says it seems once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1990
Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1990
Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start.
Sitting by the water, taking his shoes off, Calvin tells Hobbes that when it's that hot, he doesn't want to do anything at all. They get into the water and he says that fortunately, that was their plan from the start.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1990
ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
In his underwear, Calvin walks up to Susie and says that he's Tarzan, king of the jungle. Susie asks if Calvin's Mom knows he's over there in his underpants. Calvin dejectedly walks off saying he doesn't think Jane ever said that to Tarzan.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1990
To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical question you should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
With an evil grin, Calvin fills a water balloon. He waits behind a tree. Hobbes comes down from the tree, taps Calvin on the head, and asks Calvin if he's looking for someone. Calvin says yes, but for someone else, not for Hobbes. Hobbes gives him a theoretical question. If Calvin knew today was his last day on earth, what would he do different? He gets in Calvin's face and adds especially if, by doing something different, today might not be his last day on earth. Calvin looks at the water balloon. He walks off saying he doesn't think that question was very rhetorical at all.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1990
Don't you get hot wearing long pants in summer? Why don't you wear short pants? What's the matter? What did I say? SHORT PANTS TOUCH MY FEE, OK?!!
Hobbes asks if Calvin gets hot wearing long pants in the summer. He asks why Calvin doesn't wear short pants. Calvin fumes. Hobbes asks what he said. Calvin angrily tells him that short pants touch his feet.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1990
Aw Mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord!
Mom is standing on the top of the ladder grabbing Calvin, who's standing on the roof. He has a bungee cord around his waist. He tells Mom she's acting like he isn't even wearing a bungee cord.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1990
WAP! BONK Gosh, we're BOTH out!
Hobbes hits the ball. Calvin runs up to make the catch, but the ball hits him on the head. He falls down, but the ball lands in his glove. Hobbes says they're both out.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1990
Oh boy! Cooked-out hamburgers! They may be charred on the outside! They may be raw on the inside! But at least they've got that special outdoor flavor! ... of lighter fluid! MM-MM, when do we eat? Whaddaya mean tomorrow?!
Dad is cooking on the grill. Calvin comes up and says cooked-out hamburgers may be charred on the outside, raw on the inside, but they have that special outdoor flavor...of lighter fluid. Calvin asks when they eat. From his bed, he yells "Whaddaya mean tomorrow".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1990
I like toys that make a lot of racket. That's the problem with this wagon. It doesn't make much noise. AIEEEE! AUGH! WHOAA! OOMPH! OOH! Fortunately, WE do.
Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he likes toys that make a lot of racket. He complains the problem with the wagon is that it doesn't make much noise. They sail off the edge of the hill, yelling. As they roughly land, Calvin says that fortunately, they do.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1990
YAAH! Oops. He just does that to show he COULD'VE snuffed me.
Calvin is sitting on the floor, reading a comic book. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces down right in front of Calvin, startling him. Hobbes says "oops". As Hobbes walks off, Calvin says he just does that to show that he could have snuffed him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1990
Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Calvin tells Mom he's bored. Mom points out it's a beautiful summer day. She says he has all outdoors to pay in. She tells him to use some imagination. Calvin walks off, scratches his head, then gets an idea. He grabs a pail, goes to the pond to fill the pail with water, then douses Mom with the water. Calvin, sitting on his bed, says his upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1990
Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
Calvin asks Dad if he supports the free expression of ideas in their society. Dad says he does, and says that's the first thing in the Bill of Rights. Calvin clarifies that Dad would be against censorship and the suppression of ideas he found distasteful. Dad agrees, saying you have to take that bad with the good. Calvin then says Dad wouldn't object to Calvin being exposed to art, movies, or music that some people think is offensive and shocking. Dad starts to explain about their responsibility to be culturally educated and able to make critical distinctions. Calvin accuses Dad of stalling.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1990
Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
Calvin is rubbing Hobbes' tummy as he sleeps. Calvin stops and walks away. Hobbes bares his fangs and growls at Calvin. Calvin rubs Hobbes' tummy some more.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1990
Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
Mom and Dad are talking at the table. Mom says she sometimes feels their life has gotten too complicated, they've accumulated more than they need, they've accepted too many demands. Dad quotes Thoreau saying "simplify, simplify". He suggests maybe they need to do that. Mom asks how. Calvin walks by, and Mom and Dad look at him. Calvin says he hates it when they look at him that way.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1990
Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad says unless it's very important, hang up. He's very busy. Calvin hangs up. At home, Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the edge of the kitchen sink. Water is pouring over the edge of the sink onto the floor. The water is a couple feet deep on the floor already. Calvin says this should qualify in another 15 minutes.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1990
Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
Mom tells Calvin she asked him to clean his room. Calvin says he did. Mom says if he did, it wasn't a good job. The room looks as messy as it did before. She tells him he should take pride in what he does. Calvin, standing in his messy bedroom, says he doesn't need to do a better job. He needs better P.R. on the job he does.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1990
Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student.
Calvin has a bat and flips the ball into the air to hit it. He has to run to chase the ball, then misses it when it comes down. Dad stands with a glove on saying he wouldn't worry about this if Calvin was a better student.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1990
Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
Calvin's bicycle attacks him. He gets a rope and lassoes the bike. The bicycle drags him along the ground. Calvin ties the bike to a tree. Dad comes by later, sees the bike tied against the tree, and laments that you buy the kid a good, expensive lock, and look.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1990
This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for, sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. It's 10:32. Thank you. At this time we'll have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers.
Calvin calls a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order. President and First Tiger Hobbes gives an attendance report. Club Secretary General Hobbes gives the minutes. Calvin then calls for a field report from Top Scout Calvin. Hobbes says you can tell this is a great club because they have so many officers.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1990
Herewith, a field report filed from head scout Calvin! What news, scout? The enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down, Mr President. The enemy? Susie Derkins, an acknowledged GIRL! I recommend we establish a strike force? Its objective? To bug her! Sounds risky. Men, any volunteers?
Top Scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down. It's Susie Derkins, an acknowledged girl. Calvin recommends they establish a strike force to bug Susie. Hobbes calls for volunteers.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1990
OK, here's our plan. I'll be the strike force commander. You'll be the special agend in charge of munitions. We'll fill up a water balloon and sneak up on Susie through the back yard! I get to be the official cartographer and map our hiding places and escape routes! Yeah! And I'LL be the code expert and make an unbreakable code! Oh boy! Let's get some paper! I hope Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while. OK, here's the United States...
As they climb down from their tree fort, Calvin says he'll be the strike force commander, while Hobbes is the special agent in charge of munitions. Calvin suggests filling a water balloon and sneaking up on Susie through the back yard. Hobbes wants to be official cartographer, mapping their hiding places and escape routes. Calvin decides to be the code expert and make an unbreakable code. Hobbes runs to get paper. As they both work on their tasks, Calvin says he hopes Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1990
There! I finished our secret code! Let's see. I assigned a totally random number, so that code will be hard to crack. For letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. "B" is 28,731,569 1/2. That's a good code all right. Now we just commit this to memory. Did you finish your map of our neighbourhood? Not yet. How many bricks does the front walk have?
Calvin has finished the secret code. He has assigned each letter a totally random number. For instance, for the letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. Hobbes admits that's a good code. Calvin says they only have to commit it to memory. He asks if Hobbes has finished the map of their neighborhood. Hobbes isn't quite done yet. He asks how many bricks there are on the front walk.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1990
We've got our map, our code, and our water balloon! Let's go soak Susie! Our map says first we run to the big tree out back. Now to the bush out front! Now to the ditch out back! Now to the tree out front! In case you're wondering - this is to lose anyone who might be tailing us. I'm writing a message in code. How do you spell "nincompoop"?
They have their map, the code, and a water balloon. They're ready to soak Susie. Hobbes says they should run to the big tree out back, then to the bush out front, then the ditch out back, then the tree out front. He explains to a winded Calvin that's to lose anyone who might be tailing them. Calvin is going to write Hobbes a note in code. He asks how to spell "nincompoop".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1990
We made it to Susie's yard! But where's Susie? I don't see her! ARGHH! We go to all this trouble to launch an attack on her, and what does she do? She MOVES! All our great plans are for naught! A whole morning ruined! Maybe she just went in for lunch, see, she left some of her toys out, so she's probably planning to come back. That gives me a FABULOUS idea! Uh oh.
They made it to Susie's yard, but she's not there. Calvin is distraught that all their plans have gone for naught. Hobbes suggests she might have only gone in for lunch. Her toys are still left out, so she's probably planning to come back. Calvin's eyes bulge, and he wrings his hands. He says that gives him a fabulous idea.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1990
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Hobbes tells Calvin he just ran into the invisible sector. He has to cover his eyes. Calvin, playing Calvinball, didn't know they had an invisible sector. He asks where it is. Hobbes tells him he can't see it. It's invisible. He asks how to know he went into it. Hobbes says he can't see anything, right? He hits Calvin on the head with the Calvinball. He gets a point. Calvin chases him. He says Hobbes just ran into a vortex spot. He has to spin around until he falls down. Hobbes informs Calvin that spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex returns to who called it. Calvin has to spin. He claims that's not fair. Hobbes tells him he knows the rules. Calvin admits that anything they make up are the rules. Calvin spins himself dizzy while saying this game lends itself to certain abuses. Hobbes has the Calvinball. He asks Calvin to guess how he gets out of the boomerang zone.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1990
What are you doing? That's Susie's doll. I know. C'mon, let's scram. We can't take her doll! That would be STEALING! No it wouldn't. Are we going to give it back? If she pays the ransom.
Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. He's picked up Susie's doll. Hobbes says they can't take it. That would be stealing. Hobbes asks if they're going to give it back. Calvin replies they will if she pays the ransom.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1990
Hey, where's Binky Betsy? I know I left her right here when I went inside. Did somebody TAKE her? Everything else is still here. Where did my doll go?! IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR DOLL AGAIN I always like cut-and-paste. How much should we ask for? A hundred dollars?
Susie comes back and wonders what happened to her Binky Betsy. She knows she left her there, and she wonders if someone took her. Everything else is still there. Calvin and Hobbes are making a ransom note. Hobbes says he likes cut-and-paste. Calvin asks how much they should ask for. He thinks one hundred dollars.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1990
Mom, I can't find my doll. Have you seen it anywh... DING DONG Hmm, there's nobody here. What's this note? "Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out in front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us. Sincerely, Calvin."
Susie goes back inside telling her Mom that she can't find her doll. The doorbell rings. No one is there, but there is a note on the ground. Susie reads the note. It reads "Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front". It warns her not to call the police. It says she can't trace or find them. It's signed "Sincerely, Calvin".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1990
It's a RANSOM note! That dirty Calvin stole my doll and he wants me to pay $100 to get her back! Of all the nerve! He can't get away with this! Why, that stinky little... Wait! There's something else in this envelope. A PHOTO OF BINKY BETSY TIED TO A CHAIR!! What a great club! How are you going to spend YOUR $50?
Susie is outraged to receive a ransom note. She crumples the note and says he can't get away with this. She notices something else in the envelope. It's a picture of Binky Betsy tied to a chair. Susie is horrified. In their tree fort, Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's going to do with his $50.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1990
Let's stroll down the sidewalk REAL CASUALLY and see if Susie put the hundred bucks out by the tree yet. Great! Lovely day for a stroll, eh Hobbes? I certainly enjoy my afternoon constitutional! Yes, it's quite invigorating! Look! Look! There's the envelope! She did it! We're rich! Oh boy! Let's sneak up and get it! C'mon you louse. C'monnn... I don't see Susie. Do you?
Calvin suggests walking real casually down the sidewalk to see if Susie put the hundred dollars by the tree. They march along with Calvin saying he enjoys his afternoon constitutional. Hobbes says it's quite invigorating. They see the envelope. Calvin figures they're rich. Hobbes says they should sneak up and get it. Susie is hiding behind the tree.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1990
You stand guard and watch for Susie while I count the money and make sure it's all there! Hey, there's no money in here at all! There's just a note! It says, "Now we're even!" Now we're even?? What's THAT supposed to mean?! Hobbes? HOBBES!
Calvin sets Hobbes down and tells him to watch for Susie while he counts the money to make sure it's all there. Calvin opens the envelope to find no money. There is a note. Calvin reads "now we're even". He wonders what that means. Susie has grabbed Hobbes and run off. Calvin notices Hobbes missing.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1990
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
Calvin, the airline pilot, awaits takeoff. Ignoring the control tower, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes. He opens the throttle. Stewardesses are hurled to the rear of the plane. Calvin takes off ahead of schedule. He notices another plane had received clearance to land. It's headed for the same runway. It looks like a mid-air collision over a crowded super highway at rush hour. Mom returns to the car, telling Calvin thanks for waiting so patiently. Calvin, playing with his toy airplanes, says he could wait even longer if she'd buy him a third plane.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1990
COME BACK HERE WITH HOBBES! PUT HIM DOWN! HOBBES, BITE HER! BITE HER! Ha ha! Nyahh! Nyahh! SLAM GET AWAY FROM OUR DOOR WITH THAT DRILL!
Calvin chases Susie, who's carrying Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to bite her. Susie reaches her home and closes the door. From an upstairs window, Susie yells down for him to get away from their door with that drill.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1990
Oooh, that rotten Susie! I hate her! I hate her! She'd better set Hobbes free! So I kidnapped her stupid doll! She didn't need to RETALIATE! Can't she take a JOKE?! Girls have NO sense of humor! That's their whole problem! All this was funny until she did the same thing to me.
Calvin is fuming about Susie. Calvin said he kidnapped her doll, but that's no reason to retaliate. He says girls have no sense of humor. He storms off saying this was all funny until she did the same thing to him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1990
All right, Susie, I brought your dumb doll back! Now let Hobbes out, OK? Fair's fair! I dunno, Calvin. I'm thinking I might rather have your tiger. You can keep Binky Betsy. Aahh! I don't want a DOLL! This is yours! Take it! Oh, you'll grow to like her, Calvin. She has the cutest accessories you can buy! No! No! I want Hobbes! Take this! But I think Hobbes likes it better here with ME. HE DOES NOT!
Calvin brings Susie's doll back to her house. Susie opens the door and tells Calvin she thinks she might rather have his tiger than her doll. She tells Calvin he can keep Binky Betsy. Calvin doesn't want a doll. Susie says he'll grow to like her. She has the cutest accessories you can buy. Calvin says he wants Hobbes. Susie tells him she thinks Hobbes likes it better there with her. Calvin yells that he does not.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1990
Look, Susie, I'll give you your doll AND I'll give you a quarter, OK? It's all I have. Will you let Hobbes out NOW?? All right, here. And next time, leave my stuff alone. Got it? Right! Sure! Jerk. What kind of tiger ARE you?! You didn't even maul her! What were you DOING there?! Wouldn't YOU like to know!
Calvin offers to give Susie her doll and a quarter to return Hobbes. Susie agrees and tells Calvin to leave her stuff alone next time. They exchange and think each other are jerks. Later, Calvin asks Hobbes what kind of tiger he is. He didn't try to maul her. He asks what he was doing in Susie's house. Hobbes says wouldn't Calvin like to know.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1990
I've got to say, Hobbes, it doesn't give our club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. THBPTB We stole HER doll, and I'm the one who had to pay ransom! It's a disgrace! You get 15 demerits for besmirching the club's reputation, plus five demerits for conduct unbecoming an officer, and a censure in the book club for not devouring Susie when you had the chance. Hmm, anything else? I almost told her our code when she rubbed my tummy. GOOD GRAVY, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
In their tree fort, Calvin says it doesn't give their club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. Hobbes sticks out his tongue. Calvin says they stole her doll, and he had to pay ransom. He says it's a disgrace. Calvin doles out demerits for besmirching the club's reputation and conduct unbecoming an officer. He also gives a censure for not devouring Susie when he had the chance. When Calvin asks if there's anything else, Hobbes tells him he almost gave her their code when she rubbed his tummy. Calvin asks whose side he's on.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1990
Well, this is certainly a sorry chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history! First tiger Hobbes, a traitor to the cuase! It might interest you to know that after I won Susie's confidence, I did some spying. Spying? You were a spy? I read an open page of Susie's diary. Wow! Deep in enemy territory, you intercepted a secret message? What did it say? It said, "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head!" Then our club is a success! Brilliant work, Hobbes! Promotions for everyone! Welcome back!
Calvin declares this a sad chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history. Hobbes says he did some spying after gaining Susie's confidence. He says he read an open page of Susie's diary. Excited that Hobbes intercepted a secret message deep in enemy territory, he asks what it said. Hobbes tells him "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head". Calvin says their club is a success. He welcomes Hobbes back and offers promotions for everyone.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1990
Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Susie gives Calvin an invitation to a milk and cookie party. Calvin declines. He wouldn't attend if she paid him. Susie doesn't care and walks off. She calls Calvin a jerk and says she went to all the trouble to set up the table and chairs. She says to Mr. Bun they can have a nice party by themselves. Calvin happily tells Hobbes they showed her. Hobbes wonders what kind of cookies they were. Calvin and Hobbes go to the party. Susie is happy. Calvin says they don't attend parties, they crash them.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1990
Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer "Y", as in "Y do we care?" Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square.
Calvin asks Hobbes for help with homework. He asks what 6 + 3 is. Hobbes calls the answer "Y", as in why do I care. He says "Y" might be a square number, so he draws a square. He makes one side 6, the other 3. Then, he measures the diagonal. Calvin doesn't remember the teacher explaining it like that. Hobbes suggests she might not know higher math. Calvin says the diagonal is just a little under 2. Hobbes offers to draw the square bigger.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1990
Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!
Mom tells Calvin he can't read comic books until he's finished his homework. Calvin says he is finished. Mom asks if he did a good job, since it didn't take very long. Calvin tells her that when you're as far ahead of the class as he is, it doesn't take long. Mom says she'll see about that when she gets back from her parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. Shocked, Calvin says she doesn't need to bother going. He says Miss Wormwood said he was so good, she didn't have to go.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1990
Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
Calvin is horrified that Mom is going to the parent-teacher conference. He figures he's as good as dead, and that Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about him. Hobbes asks about the horror stories. Calvin says it's all a question of perspective, but he thinks he should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. Hobbes asks what he's going to say when Mom gets back. Calvin says nothing. He pulls out a suitcase and tells Hobbes he's crazy if he thinks Calvin is even going to be there when she returns.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1990
I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
Dad asks Mom how the meeting went with Calvin's teacher. Mom saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in art class. The pictures were left on their desks so parents would recognize their child's seat. Dad asks if Mom found Calvin's picture. She says she saw one picture with a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. She says the meeting went downhill from there.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1990
Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles.
Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door. He is startled and says he didn't finish packing. He says everything Miss Wormwood said about him is a lie. He says she hates little boys. Calvin asks if she told her about the noodles. He says it wasn't him. No one saw him. He was framed. Mom asks what noodles. Calvin says she must have heard wrong, he didn't say noodles.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1990
OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!
Dad wants to check over Calvin's math homework. Calvin doesn't want to. Dad says his teacher said he needed to spend more time on it. Calvin complains he's already spent ten whole minutes on it. Dad sees an answer Calvin wrote, 8 + 4 = 7. Dad says Calvin knows that's not right. Calvin says he was off a bit, sue him. Dad says you can't add things and come out with less than you started with. Calvin protests that he can do that, it's a free country and he has his rights.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1990
Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Calvin tells Susie his sandwich wiggled. He says there's a slug in his peanut butter. The sandwich attacks him. The peanut butter itself is alive. He has his sandwich on his face. He says it's going to suck out his eyeballs. Susie looks away, sickened. Calvin pulls the sandwich off and drowns it in chocolate milk. With his face covered in peanut butter and chocolate milk, he tells Susie Mom will be disappointed her little plot failed. Susie says she's never seen anything so revolting and asks what's wrong with him. She walks away, saying she's eating somewhere else. Calvin says girls are so weird.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1990
Let's start at the beginning. When you ADD something, you INCREASE what you have. You COMBINE. I don't want to learn this! It's completely irrelevant to my life! This isn't irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this. I don't! I can get along fine without math! Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires SOME math. That's not true! I'll be a... a... a caveman! Yeah! That's not really a job.
Dad tries to explain that when you add something, you increase what you have. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn this. It's irrelevant to his life. Dad says everyone needs to know this. Calvin insists he doesn't. He can get along without math. Dad asks what he wants to be when he grows up. Every job requires some math. Calvin says he's going to be a caveman. Dad counters that isn't really a job.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1990
Here, maybe this will make more sense. I have eight pennies. I ask you for four more. I say forget it. You're the one with a steady paycheck. Just give me four pennies. Good. How much money do I have now? Investments and all? No, just here on the table. Eight cents. No, eight plus four is twelve. See? Count them up. But those four are MINE!
Dad tries to show Calvin. He has eight pennies and asks for four more. Calvin tells him he's the one with the steady paycheck. Dad tells him to give him four pennies and asks how much he has now. Calvin asks about investments and all. Dad only cares about the money on the table. Calvin replies eight cents. Dad tells him eight plus four is twelve. Calvin protests those four pennies are his.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1990
How's the math lesson going? Pretty good. I think Calvin sees the idea now. I took pennies and showed how adding and subtracting them changed how much money he had. It's not so abstract that way. Good. Maybe he'll do better in class now. I think he will. He was having fun with it by the end. Now give me ANOTHER five cents and let's see what I have! Wait a minute.
Mom asks how the math lesson is going. Dad thinks pretty well. Dad explains that he took pennies and showed how adding or subtracting them changed how much money he had. Mom hopes Calvin will do better in class now. Dad thinks he will. He says Calvin was having fun with it by the end. Calvin tells Hobbes to give him another five cents and they'll see what he has.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1990
Boy, I feel sharp! I know this math stuff COLD! I'm ready for anything! I hope the teacher calls on me! I hope I get to demonstrate a problem at the board! I'll impress everyone! Here, Susie. Take one sheet and pass the rest across. What's this? A math quiz. HOT DOG!
Smiling at his desk, Calvin feels he knows math cold. He hopes the teacher calls on him. He hopes he gets to do a problem at the board. He'll impress everyone. Miss Wormwood hands Susie some papers and asks her to take one and pass the rest down. She asks what it is. Miss Wormwood says it's a math quiz. Enthused, Calvin says "Hot dog".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1990
Don't try to copy my answers this time, Calvin, or I'll tell. Ha! Who needs YOUR answers? I'll bet I get a better score than you do. YOU?! That'll be the day! I'll bet you 25 cents I get a higher grade. You're on. You might as well give me the quarter now and save yourself the humiliation later! Maybe you'd like to increase the wager, Mr Bigmouth. Yeah! Let's double it and make it 35 cents!
Susie warns Calvin not to try to copy her answers. Calvin replies that he'll probably get a better score than she will. Calvin bets her 25 cents. Calvin suggests she give him the quarter now to avoid the humiliation later. Susie suggests they raise the wager. Calvin offers to double the bet, to 35 cents.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1990
Man, this is going to be great! Not only am I going to ace this quiz, but I'm going to win a quarter from Susie when I get a better score than she does! OK! The first problem is 6+5. Oh, easy! The answer is... um.... ummmmmmm... UMMMMMMMM His spacecraft quietly humming, the incredible Spaceman Spiff approaches the sixth plant of the Mysterio system!
Calvin is excited that not only will he ace the quiz, he'll win a quarter from Susie when he gets a better score. He reads the first problem, 6 + 5 =. He thinks about it. Spaceman Spiff approaches the sixth planet of the Mysterio system.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1990
I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
Walking along, Calvin notices leaves rustling in the tree above. Hobbes jumps down and pounces on him. They fight, and Hobbes runs off. Calvin walks home. When he opens the door, Hobbes attacks again. Calvin crawls into the house. Mom opens the door to his room and asks what the big surprise is. Calvin, hiding behind her legs, says to try his closet.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1990
A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
Spiff commands the red spacecraft breaking through the clouds of Planet 6. He reflects on his unusual mission, to somehow crash Planets 6 and 5 together.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1990
In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!
Spaceman Spiff drops an anchor onto the Planet 6 surface. Spiff downshifts and guns the motor. The planet slowly moves, towed by our hero. It breaks orbit and speeds toward Planet 5.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1990
Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
Planet 6 is about to collide with Planet 5. Our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety. The planets grind and shatter with awful force. Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust. Only Planet 6 remains. Calvin answers the problem....6 + 5 = 6. The teacher calls time. Calvin is horrified. He's only answered the first problem.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1990
How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!
Calvin wonders how time can be up. He hurriedly writes random numbers on the paper. He hopes for some to be right by sheer luck. Calvin hands in the paper. Susie reminds him they have a bet on who has the higher grade. Calvin says the bet's off, he doesn't gamble.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1990
I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!
Susie got a perfect score on the quiz. Susie asks Calvin if he missed any. Calvin complains he would have gotten a perfect paper if he had a few more minutes. Calvin says it's biological. Girls mature faster than boys. He says she got a better grade because she's a girl. Susie tells Calvin to pay up. Calvin offers that maybe it's opposite day. Maybe all his X's mean those are correct. Maybe Susie's "A" is really an "F". Calvin says he wins the bet.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1990
How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he did on his math quiz. Calvin tells him he flunked it, but only because he ran out of time. He says the worst part was that Susie won their bet on who'd get the better score. He had to pay her 25 cents. Calvin laughs that he cheated her, though. He only gave her three dimes. Hobbes says Calvin better study harder. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1990
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. Calvin runs with the ball. Hobbes crouches and waits. Calvin gets closer, and Hobbes leaps toward Calvin. They crash and roll together for a distance. Looking back, Hobbes says he bets it takes four downs just to get back on the field. Calvin thinks football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1990
Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
Calvin has cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. He holds it up, and it's just like he's on TV. Calvin laments he can't force his way into millions of people's homes each day. He adds that on the other hand, no one in that home can turn him off.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1990
So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!
Hobbes asks what it's like to be on TV. Calvin says it's great. Now that Calvin is on TV, he's different from everybody else. He's special. He says since everyone knows him, everything he does is newsworthy. He's a cultural icon. Hobbes thinks his antenna needs adjusting. Calvin shows Hobbes that he's going to use his prestige to endorse a product.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1990
Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
Calvin, eminent television personality, is doing a commercial for "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. There isn't a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of the rich, fudgy taste. Calvin says it's the cereal he gets paid to recommend because he's famous. Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks. He asks if Hobbes is filled with the desire to emulate him and eat the cereal he endorses. Calvin says if not, he can repeat this every 20 minutes. Hobbes tells him not to threaten him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1990
Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks.
Calvin goes up to Mom telling her he has his own TV show. He sings his jingle about amazing Calvin, the one you'd like to meet, the one who can't be beat. Calvin thanks the audience. Mom wants to change the channel. Calvin tells her he's on all the networks.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1990
Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called "Father knows zilch".
Hobbes asks where Calvin's TV screen is. Calvin tells him his fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Hobbes suggests that Calvin go cable. Calvin has an idea for a sitcom called "Father Knows Zilch".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1990
What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
Calvin has completed a connect-the-dots picture, but it doesn't look like anything. Hobbes says you're supposed to connect them in the order they're numbered. Calvin replies that everything has to have rules, rules, rules.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1990
... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1990
33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Hobbes snaps the ball and runs toward Calvin. Calvin takes off running. Hobbes scores. Calvin says he'll never have a career in sports until he learns to suppress his survival instinct.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1990
What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
Calvin is running with the football. He stops suddenly, and he turns around and runs the way he came. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin, lying on the ground, says what this game needs are negotiated settlements.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1990
How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
Dad is getting dressed for work, and Calvin asks why he is the one who goes to work and not Mom. Dad explains that Mom used to work, but when Calvin was born someone had to stay home. He says Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation. Calvin asks if she wanted to quit. Dad said no, she had gotten used to it, so they figured she should be the one to stay at home with Calvin.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1990
Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1990
Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
Calvin is sitting on a stool with a smile on his face. Dad is getting ready to take a picture. Dad counts to three and says click. Calvin is still smiling. He says click again. Calvin still smiles. Dad actually snaps the picture, but Calvin is making a face.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1990
Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
Calvin bows in front of the TV. He prays to the great altar of passive entertainment. He asks it to bestow upon him its discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible. He turns the TV on and sits watching.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1990
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
Calvin wants Hobbes to pose for a wildlife painting. Calvin puts Hobbes on a rock. Calvin tells him to survey his territory with the quiet confidence of a jungle cat. Hobbes puts a paw up to look into the distance. Calvin doesn't think that's quite it. Hobbes puts a paw to his chin. Too formal. Calvin wants to try one where the fierce tiger rests in the shade after a kill. Hobbes lies draped over the rock. No good. He tries lying on his back across the rock. Calvin gets frustrated. Hobbes strikes a fierce pose, and Calvin says that's it. Calvin had no idea this would be so hard. He wonders about trying to pose a dumb moose. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's more of a yellow ochre than a straight orange.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1990
Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are sleeping on the sofa.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1990
That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now.
Calvin points to the sky at night and tells Hobbes that cloud of stars is our galaxy, the Milky Way. He says our solar system is on the edge of it. He says they hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. He says in cosmic terms, they are subatomic particles in a grain of sand on an infinite beach. They look at the stars. Then Calvin looks at his watch and wonders what's on TV right now.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1990
Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
Calvin complains that everyone takes him for granted. He asks if it's too much to ask for an occasional token gesture of appreciation. Mom offers a big hug. Calvin wants 20 dollars. After Mom leaves, Calvin continues complaining that he doesn't matter to anyone. Nobody cares about him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1990
Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks their morality is defined by their actions, or by their hearts. Hobbes thinks their actions show what's in their hearts. Calvin stops and says he resents that.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1990
They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
Calvin is running with the football, and he stops. He flips the ball into the air for Hobbes to grab. Calvin says they say winning isn't everything, and he's decided to take their word for it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1990
I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
Calvin says he stands firm in his belief of what's right. He refuses to compromise his principles. Mom comes over to him. Calvin, in the bathtub, says he doesn't need to compromise his principles. They don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to him anyway.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1990
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Calvin's homework is on the table. The book attacks the pencil. It bites the pencil, then turns to attack the paper. It bites and eats the paper. It then turns to Calvin. Miss Wormwood says his book eating his homework is a new one. Calvin says he's lucky to be alive. He had to break the book's spine.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1990
Vroom vrooom rrr! Vroom vroooom AUGHH! I wouldn't mind this so much if he didn't keep a log. Would you say you were "very surprised" or "COMPLETELY surprised"?
Calvin is playing with his toy trucks. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin, lying battered on the floor with Hobbes next to him says he wouldn't mind this so much if Hobbes didn't keep a log. Hobbes, writing in his book, asks if Calvin was "very surprised" or "completely surprised".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1990
Look Mom, I made a mask. Are you getting ready for Haloween? Huh? No, this is for every day. You know how Hobbes always sneaks up from behind and pounces on me? No... Well, he does. But if you wear a mask like this on the back of your head, tigers can't tell which way you're facing, and they can't sneak up. I think your train of thought is a runaway. I read they wear these in India. Here, I made a mask for you too.
Calvin shows Mom a mask he made. She asks if it's for Halloween. Calvin tells her it's for every day. Since Hobbes sneaks up and attacks him from behind, Calvin can wear the mask on the back of his head. Hobbes won't know which way he's facing, so he can't sneak up. Mom says his train of thought is a runaway.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1990
Here, Dad. I made you a mask like mine. You wear it on the back of your head to prevent tiger attacks. Um... Tigers always try to get you from behin, but with this mask on, they can't tell which way you're facing, so they don't pounce. I read it in a book. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I think I'll take my chances and not look like a lunatic. OK, if you'd rather look like raw hamburger, be my guest. Honey, are we out of aspirin again?
Calvin gives Dad a mask so he can avoid tiger attacks. Calvin says he read in a book that tigers can't tell which way you're facing with the mask on. Dad decides he'll take a chance and not look like a lunatic. Calvin says if he'd rather look like raw hamburger, be his guest. Dad asks Mom if they're out of aspirin again.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1990
Well, if it isn't ol' rocket-butt! I guess you won't be pouncing on ME any more! See, I'm wearing a mask on the back of my head! Now you can't tell which way I'm facing, so you can't sneak up from behind! I've finally thwarted your murderous recreation! Maybe this will teach you that PEOPLE are smarter than ANIMALS! You can't outwit a human! No fair! You didn't even sneak up!
Calvin tells Hobbes he won't be pouncing on him anymore. He shows Hobbes his mask. He tells Hobbes he's finally thwarted Hobbes' murderous recreation. Calvin boasts that this will show Hobbes that people are smarter than animals. Hobbes gets Calvin in his mouth. Calvin complains that wasn't fair. Hobbes didn't even sneak up.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1990
In the middle ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system. That's "feudal" system. Just when I thought this junk was beginning to make sense.
Calvin is writing a report. He writes "In the Middle Ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system". Hobbes looks at the paper and tells Calvin that's supposed to be "feudal" system. Dejectedly, Calvin says just when he thought this junk was beginning to make sense.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1990
I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am. I've got more brains than I know what to do with. So I've noticed. Woo hoo hoo
Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't believe how smart he is. Calvin says he has more brains than he knows what to do with. Hobbes says he's noticed, and walks along whistling. Calvin catches on and starts chasing Hobbes.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1990
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Hobbes passes the football to Calvin. Calvin runs after it, and Hobbes runs past him. Calvin makes the catch, only to turn and have Hobbes tackle him. Hobbes picks up the fumble. He asks whose team he was on when he recovered the ball. Calvin tells him it doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1990
Gimme that ball or I'll punch your face in. Smart move, sissy boy. In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Moe tells Calvin to give him the ball, or he'll punch Calvin's face in. When Calvin does, Moe tells him that was a smart move, sissy boy. Calvin walks off and says we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to find a cure for jerks.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1990
Open wide... open wide... that's good... Now this might cause some slight discomfort... hold real still.... Rrgghh! Mmf! Rrg! Stop thrashing! I've almost got it... almost... mmf! THERE! Boy, it's a good think you had this removed! Just look at all these bad spots! Lunch shouldn't have to be like this.
Calvin looks into his lunch sack and tells it to open wide. He tells it this might cause some discomfort, as he prepares to reach inside. Calvin struggles with the bag, telling it to stop thrashing, he almost has it. He pulls out an apple. He says it's a good thing the bag had this removed. Calvin notes the bad spots. Susie has her head down next to her lunch thinking lunch shouldn't have to be like this.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1990
Take a look at this. Wouldn't you say this is a great drawing? I mean, can you BELIEVE my teacher didn't like it? She said it wasn't "serious"! By golly, if this isn't serious art, then nothing is! Who set Miss Wormwood up as an arbiter of aesthetics anyway? This is a beautiful work of power and depth! It's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship, right? See? YOU understood it!
Calvin shows Hobbes a picture and asks if he wouldn't say this was a great drawing. He says his teacher didn't like it. She said it wasn't "serious". Calvin wonders who made Miss Wormwood the arbiter of aesthetics. He claims the picture is a beautiful work of power and depth. Hobbes asks if it's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship. Calvin says see, Hobbes understands it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1990
On the one hand, it's a good sign for us artists that, in this age of visual bombardment from all media, a simple drawing can provoke and shock viewers. It confirms that images still have power. On the other hand, my teacher's reactionary grading shows that our society is culturally illiterate and that, many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. This drawing I did obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. My "C-" firmly establishes me on the cutting edge of the avante-garde. Don't you have to wear silly clothes then?
Calvin says on one hand, it's good to know images still have power in this age of visual bombardment from all media. But on the other hand, the teacher's grading shows our society is culturally illiterate and many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. Calvin's drawing obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. Calvin figures his "C-" firmly establishes him on the cutting edge of the avant-garde. Hobbes asks if he then has to wear silly clothes.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1990
The hard part for us avante-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Do we allow our work to be hyped and exploited by a market that's simply hungry for the next new thing? Do we participate in a system that turns high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Of course, when an artist goes commercial, he makes a mockery of his status as an outsider and free thinker. He buys into the crass and shallow values art should transcend. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Oh, what the heck. I'll do it. That wasn't so hard.
Calvin tells Hobbes the hard part for avant-garde artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Should their work be hyped and exploited by a market hungry for the next new thing? Do they turn high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Calvin knows an artist doing that makes a mockery of his status as a free thinker. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Calvin says he'll do it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1990
Today I drew another picture in my "Dinosaurs in Rocket Ships" series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give me a bad mark in her grade book if I didn't stop! The arts are under attack! Freedom of expression is being squelched! The authoritie are trying to silence any view contrary to their own! What does your teacher object to about drawing dinosaurs? Mostly my drawing them during math.
Calvin drew another picture in his "dinosaurs in rocket ship" series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give him a bad grade if he didn't stop. Calvin protests the arts are under attack. Freedom of expression is being squelched. The authorities are trying to silence any view contrary to their own. Hobbes asks what his teacher objects to about dinosaurs. Calvin admits it's mostly his drawing them during math.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1990
I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
Calvin's dinner grabs his drink and splashes him with it. While Calvin coughs, the dinner jumps up from its plate and hits Calvin in the face. He chases and grabs the dinner. Mom sees him on the table, food in hand, with cups and bowls scattered on the table. Mom clenches her teeth in anger. Calvin places an emergency call to the local Navy recruitment office.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1990
Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
Standing for the school bus, Calvin comments on it being another gorgeous fall day. He says it's a waste to go to school on a morning like this. Hobbes asks what he would do if Calvin could stay home that morning. Calvin tells him he'd sleep right through it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1990
WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident!
Calvin sits at his desk reading a book. Suddenly, Calvin falls backward off the chair. He tumbles down, knocking the chair and desk over. He tells the teacher it could've happened by accident.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1990
Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either.
Susie tells Calvin not to sit by her at lunch. She doesn't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Calvin says he won't talk about lunch at all. He tells Susie a riddle. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger. Susie runs off, while Calvin says he can't think of a difference either.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1990
Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to wait his turn. Moe punches Calvin. Calvin, lying on the ground, says it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1990
I'M HOME! There's no point in saving your lunch bags if you can't keep them cleaner than THIS! That's what YOU think.
Calvin puts leaves in his lunch bag, then draws a face on it. He puts his shoes and coat around the bag and sets the bag on the porch. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on the lunch bag. After he comes inside, Mom looks at the bag and says there's no point in saving his lunch bag if he can't keep it any cleaner than that. Calvin says that's what she thinks.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1990
... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly, with a shaking rumble, he blows sky high! He's a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh, he spewed it all across the table!
Tranquil Mt. Calvin blows sky high. He's a live volcano. Molten lava sprays into the heavens. Calvin is frantically drinking water at the dinner table. Dad tells him he warned him the chili sauce was hot. Mom says he spewed it all across the table.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1990
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
Calvin is yawning, making odd faces, frowning, making pucker faces, sticking his tongue out, sticking his finger in his nose, lifting the ends of his mouth, and pulling his face. Dad and Mom are looking at pictures. Dad says that's their son. Mom says these pictures will remind them of more than they want to remember.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1990
Hello, is your Dad there? No, he isn't. OK, will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! I've been shot! I hate taking messages.
Calvin answers the phone. The caller asks if Dad is there, and Calvin says no. The caller asks for Calvin to write down his number and have Dad call. Calvin tells the caller to hang on. Calvin blows up a balloon, pops it, and yells he's been shot. As he walks off, he says he hates taking messages.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1990
Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
Calvin asks Mom if they have a shoe box for a school project. Mom gets him one. Calvin is going to make a diorama. They're studying different ecosystems, and Calvin's making a desert scene. Calvin adds that he'll some glue and paper. He's going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin tells her today, but Calvin told the teacher he wasn't quite finished.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1990
Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.
Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom had a conniption when she found out he hadn't started his diorama that was due today. Calvin asks what the big deal is being one day late. Lives don't hang in the balance. The fate of the universe doesn't depend on his handing his desert scene on time. Hobbes thinks that's keeping things in perspective. Calvin adds that even if lives were in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1990
This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
Calvin figures he can't build a desert diorama if he doesn't know what a desert looks like. He complains that Mom and Dad have never taken him to a desert for him to know this stuff. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get out a book. Calvin asks if he should go through all that trouble. He says he's a busy guy. He's got other things to do with his life besides this. Hobbes says why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous. Calvin says his TV show starts in 20 minutes. He asks if Hobbes is going to help him or not.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1990
Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
Calvin asks Mom for some papier-mache. Mom says they don't have any. Calvin wonders how he's supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache. Mom says he should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Calvin asks how he'll make one. Mom tells him it's his project, he should do the work. Calvin tells her that if he gets a bad grade, it will be her fault for not doing the work for him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1990
How's the diorama coming along? I'm almost finished. That didn't take too long. That's because I'm a genius. I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leveing those clouds of dust!
Calvin tells Hobbes he's almost finished with the diorama. Hobbes says that didn't take too long. Calvin replies that's because he's a genius. Hobbes doesn't see the roadrunner. He asks if Calvin wasn't going to put one in. Calvin points out the cotton balls he glued down. He says the roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leaving those clouds of dust.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1990
Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
The doctor asks what's wrong. The woman says her foot hurts. The doctor thinks that's a stupid problem. He suggests a lobotomy. The woman says no real doctor would say that. He asks who's wearing the stethoscope. He offers the reflex mallet for anesthesia. The woman says he doesn't know anything. The doctor offers a shot in the mouth. The woman says she knows more about medicine than him. She'll be the doctor now. She kicks him. Calvin says Susie is the doctor, but he's not going to be a patient of hers. Susie tells him good riddance. Calvin tells Hobbes the Surgeon General should issue a warning about playing with girls. Hobbes, with a smile, says he'd be Susie's patient.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1990
You've never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin tells him that he's never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in his life. He says it must be nice not to have any responsibilities. Hobbes looks up with a toothy smile. Calvin tells him to wipe that insolent smirk off his face. Hobbes lies back down and thinks the real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1990
I hate doing this stuff! It's too much work. Why should I bother? "Until you can stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." I can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.
Calvin complains about having to do homework. He says it's too much work and wonders why he should bother. Hobbes tells him "Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone". Calvin can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1990
"Live for the moment" is MY motto. You never know how long you've got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then you'd be sorry you put off your pleasures! That's why I say "Live for the moment". What's YOUR motto? "Look down the road."
Calvin says "Live for the moment" is his motto. You never know how long you've got. Calvin says you could step into the road and get hit by a cement truck. You'd be sorry you put off your pleasures. Calvin asks Hobbes what his motto is. Hobbes tells him "Look down the road".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1990
I've decided I don't want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure I'M more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well, I didn't mean right this second!
In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes he's decided he doesn't want to be famous. He says any idiot can be famous. He figures he's more the legendary type. Hobbes dubiously agrees as Calvin makes soap suds bunny ears for himself. Calvin adds that he didn't mean right this second.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1990
Can we burn these leaves? No, that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter. I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
Dad has rakes leaves into a pile. Calvin asks if they can burn them. Dad says that pollutes. Calvin wonders how they'll appease the mighty snow demons if they don't sacrifice any leaves. They'll have a warm winter. Dad doesn't know whether Calvin's grasp of theology or meteorology is more appalling. Calvin walks off saying he'll light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1990
Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks tigers go to the same heaven people go to. Calvin says in heaven, people are supposed to be happy. But people couldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers. Calvin doesn't think heaven would be nice without tigers, either. He wouldn't be happy without tigers. He'd miss them. Calvin wonders if maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. Hobbes says but then they wouldn't be happy.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1990
Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1990
Hey Dad, I'll guess any number you're thinking of! Go ahead, and pick a number! Mm... OK, I've got it. Is it 92,376,051? By golly, it is! Wait a minute! You're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you?! No, you're psychic. Go show Mom.
Calvin tells Dad he'll guess any number Dad's thinking of. He tells Dad to pick a number, and Dad does. Calvin asks if it's 92,376,051. Dad says it is. Calvin is shocked. He points at Dad and says wait a minute. He wonders if Dad is just trying to get rid of him. Dad says Calvin's psychic. He tells Calvin to go show Mom.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1990
A lot of people don't have principles, but I do! I'm a highly principled person! I live according to one principle, and never deviate from it. What's your principle? "Look out for number one."
Calvin tells Hobbes a lot of people don't have principles, but he does. He's highly principled. He says he lives by one principle, and he never deviates from it. Hobbes asks what it is. Calvin tells him "Look out for number one".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1990
Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again!
Calvin complains to Mom that the sandwich she made him for lunch had the jelly soaking into the bread. That grosses him out. He tells Mom tomorrow he wants the jelly in a separate container with a knife so he can spread the jelly at the last moment before he eats the sandwich. He continues to complain Mom uses bread from the middle of the loaf. He likes those for toast. He wants end pieces for sandwiches, because they don't absorb as much jelly. He asks if she's got that. The next day, Calvin opens his lunch to see his sandwich is the same as before. Calvin complains that she did it again.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1990
Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
Mom sees that Calvin has made his bed without being asked. Hobbes comments that Mom is sure nice when Calvin helps her. He says that's the reason he usually doesn't. Calvin wants Mom to be impressed when he fulfills the least of his obligations.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1990
Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
Calvin is on the phone. He tells someone to look out the window, it's snowing. By morning, he bets there'll be tons of snow. He asks if the person thinks the schools will close. Calvin hears the answer and angrily says back "Well, same to you". Climbing back in bed, Calvin asks Hobbes how a crabby guy like that got to be superintendent.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1990
That was quite a ride. I'll say. I've never seen a sled catch fire before. We're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.
Covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes that was quite a ride. Hobbes says he's never seen a sled catch fire before. Calvin says they're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1990
Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1990
Lemonade! Get youre ice-cold lemonade! Just five dollars a glass, while it lasts! How are sales? Terrible. I don't understand it. It sure is cold out. Yep. See, my lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration! Want to buy a glass? Sorry. All my savings are in bonds. Maybe I should start charging TEN dollars so I don't have to sell as much.
Standing outside in his coat, hat, and gloves, Calvin is selling lemonade. He's offering it for five dollars a glass. Hobbes asks how sales are. Calvin says they're terrible, and he doesn't understand it. Hobbes says it's cold out. Calvin says his lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration. He asks if Hobbes wants to buy a glass. Hobbes says all his savings is in bonds. Calvin thinks maybe he should charge ten dollars a glass so he doesn't have to sell as much.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1990
When I grow up, I'm going to be phenomenally rich! I'm going to be the richest man alive! But I won't let wealth change me! Rats. That was our last hope. You're going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Maybe then I can finish this book.
Calvin tells Dad that when he grows up, he's going to be the richest man alive. He says he won't let wealth change him. Dad says that was their last hope. Calvin fumes. He tells Dad he's going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Dad says then maybe he can finish the book he's reading.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1990
Want to hear a joke I made up? Sure! What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? I give up. A mellon-collie baby! Get it?? Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh! Haa ha ha! He just doesn't want to face up to the fact that I'll be the life of every party.
Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he just made up. What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? A melon-collie baby. Calvin laughs, but Hobbes doesn't. Calvin walks off saying Hobbes doesn't want to face the fact that Calvin will be the life of every party.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1990
NAB! CLUNK! You just can't ever be too careful. Cheater.
Calvin is sitting on the chair in the living room. He takes his shoe off and dangles it over the edge of the chair. He lets it go, and Hobbes reaches out and grabs it. Calvin says you just can't ever be too careful.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1990
Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can't find them anywhere. I haven't seen them. ! ! Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character! OK, the voice was a little funny, but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're raising.
Dad asks Mom if she's seen his glasses. He can't find them. Calvin comes out wearing Dad's glasses and has his hair slicked down. Calvin puts his arms on his hips and tells Dad "Calvin, go do something you hate. Being miserable builds character". Mom falls off the chair laughing. Dad tells her the voice was a little funny, but that's one darn sarcastic kid they're raising.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1990
AUGHH Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money.
Hobbes crouches, then leaps into the air onto Calvin. Later, Calvin walks by Mom. He's wearing a football helmet and has pillows tied in front and in back of himself. Mom thinks those child psychology books they bought were such a waste of money.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1990
Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
For show-and-tell, Calvin has bone fragments he unearthed in his front yard. He says they look like ordinary driveway gravel, but he recognized them as part of a jawbone from a new species of carnosaur. He has an illustration of the Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared. He says he'll be publishing his full findings soon. He feels he'll be the recipient of many paleontology prizes. He says those students who were mean to him will suffer then. He says he'll employ his resources to make their puny lives miserable. He'll crush their pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust. But he offers an alternative. He's accepting a limited number of applications to be his pal. It costs just $20 per person. Calvin sits in the principal's office. Calvin tells him to just wait.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1990
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
Dad asks Calvin if he's watching a Christmas special. Calvin says yes. Dad comments on another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. Dad walks off saying he hates to think what Calvin's learning from this. Calvin says he's learning he needs his own TV so he can watch it someplace else.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1990
I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing his Christmas list. He asks if Hobbes wants him to add anything for him. Hobbes can't think of anything. Calvin is outraged. Hobbes tells him he has a good home and a best friend. He asks what more could a tiger want. Calvin says it must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1990
Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
Calvin thanks Hobbes for helping him mail his Christmas list. He says big envelopes could only hold a couple hundred pages. That's why he used a box. Hobbes hopes Santa doesn't throw out his back when he gets it. Calvin says Santa better bring everything on his list. He says he's been extremely good all year. Hobbes asks about the noodle incident. Calvin yells that no one can prove he did that.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1990
This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.
Calvin says this whole business of Santa rewarding good kids and neglecting kids bugs him. He adds that he doesn't have anything to worry about. Hobbes clears his throat, calling Calvin a paragon of virtue. Calvin explains a good kid could do something that looks bad, if one didn't consider the mitigating circumstances. Hobbes asks if he means like putting an incontinent toad in Mom's sweater drawer. Calvin says if he was being raised in a better environment, he wouldn't do things like that.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1990
I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.
Calvin thinks if Santa is going to judge his behavior over the past year, he ought to be entitled to legal representation. A lot of Christmas loot is at stake. The Constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. Calvin says Hobbes can be his lawyer. Calvin hands Hobbes a legal pad and says he's all set. Hobbes informs Calvin he doesn't take pro bono cases.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1990
OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
Calvin says as his lawyer, Hobbes will have to review the facts of the case. Hobbes says they'll try to establish Calvin was insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Calvin doesn't want to cop a plea of insanity. He says he's innocent. Hobbes tells Calvin insulting his attorney is a penal offense. Calvin tells him he's supposed to argue he deserves to be on Santa's "good" list. Hobbes advises Calvin to settle out of court. Calvin angrily says in a minute, they are going to settle this out of doors.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1990
If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of "instant gratification" is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick.
Calvin thinks nobody could be watching every kid every minute. He says Santa's old. He figures Santa makes just random checks on them once or twice a week. He tells Hobbes Santa would catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Now that Calvin is on to Santa, he's going to smack Susie with a snowball. If he does it quick, the odds of Santa catching him are virtually nil. Hobbes asks what if Susie tells on him. He hadn't thought of that. He drops the snowball. He walks off with Hobbes saying he hopes Santa's watching now, seeing as he's being so good. Hobbes says he's unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1990
So long, Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the north pole. The north pole? Yep! We're going to see Santa. How come? You already sent him your Christmas list. Yeah, but I'm afraid Santa might not have considered MY version of certain recent events. Hobbes is going to be my lawyer and present my case. Just how recent are these recent events you're talking about? Gotta go, Mom. It's a long walk.
Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes are off to the North Pole. Mom asks why he's going there since he's sent his Christmas list already. Calvin is afraid Santa hasn't considered Calvin's version of certain recent events. Mom asks just how recent are these recent events he's talking about. Calvin says it's a long walk, so he has to go.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1990
OK, here's our strategy: when we get to the north pole, we tell Santa that I've been the victim of malicious slander by my enemies, and we're appealing to him for justice. We say that I'm really a GOOD kid... a good kid with a good heart! We say I'm good, good, good, from the moment I get up until... Hey! There's Susie! ... until the moment a thought enters your head. I don't think she saw us! Quick, pack some slushballs!
Calvin maps out their strategy of telling Santa that Calvin has been the victim of malicious slanders by his enemies. Calvin says they tell Santa Calvin is a good kid with a good heart. Calvin notices Susie. He starts to pack slushballs.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1990
Susie's still concentrating on her snowman! Let's sneak up and barrage her with slushballs! Two minutes ago we were on our way to tell Santa how GOOD you are, remember? Have you lost your marbles?! Oops. I forgot. How many presents do you think I'd forfeit for just one clean smack upside Susie's head?
Calvin tells Hobbes Susie is concentrating on her snowman. He wants to barrage her with slushballs. Hobbes reminds him that two minutes ago, they were on their way to tell Santa how good Calvin was. Calvin looks at the slushballs on the ground. He asks Hobbes how many presents he thought Calvin would forfeit for one clean smack upside Susie's head.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1990
Look, I'm not going to be your lawyer if you can't even walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball! It's not just "someone"! It's SUSIE! It's a GIRL! Santa would understand! He would so! What? Oh yeah? I don't care! I'm going to hit Susie with a big, icy slushball! Oh really? Well, maybe that furry mug of YOURS needs a slushball, too! Yeah, you heard me! Ow! No biting! Shh! Shh! Hold it! ... did you just hear a snicker?
Hobbes says he won't be Calvin's lawyer if he can't walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball. Calvin says it's not "someone". It's Susie. Santa would understand. Susie hears Calvin behind the tree arguing with Hobbes. She hears him say he's going to hit her with a big, icy slushball. As Calvin continues to argue with Hobbes, Susie makes her own slushball. Calvin tells Hobbes to hold it. He asks if Hobbes heard a snicker. Susie is standing right behind him with a slushball.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1990
Plotting to hit me with a slushball, eh? Well, HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her, it's justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. It's your big chance... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD!
Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1990
Back from the north pole already? No, we didn't even get past Susie's house. But Mom, I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didn't even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean, um, we were just minding our business when suddenly, for no reason, Susie... OK, you lied. Do something good fast, and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral.
Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1990
Eighty million years ago, back in the late Cretaceous, lived the great tyrannosaur, a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epotomized the concept of the killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T.Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage mesozoic maniac! Imagin, then, the panic caused, the horror and the mayhem, when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother howard. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed, because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Blow your nose, dear. Achgth! Tck! Nhggrr!
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin says he's getting nervous about Christmas. He wonders what Santa's definition of good and bad are. He says he hasn't killed anybody, so that's good. He hasn't committed any felonies, start any wars, or practiced cannibalism. He thinks that should get lots of presents. Hobbes suggests maybe good is more than the absence of bad. That's what worries Calvin. He asks Hobbes that if he can get an overnight letter to the North Pole, what would Hobbes charge to write him a glowing character reference. Hobbes says he won't perjure himself for Calvin. His record's clean.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1990
Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??
Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1990
Psst! Wake up! Merry Christmas, ol' buddy! Merry christmas. I didn't get you a present, but you're my best friend in the world, Hobbes. You're my best friend, too. I think that's a great gift. Well, enough of that! It's almost 4 am! Let's wake up Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought us! Remember we agreed that if Santa gave you any salmon, you'd share it!
Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a Merry Christmas. Calvin says he didn't get Hobbes a gift, but he says Hobbes is Calvin's best friend in the world. Hobbes says Calvin is his best friend, and that's a great gift. Calvin hops out of bed saying it's almost 4 am. He wants to wake Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought them. Hobbes reminds Calvin they agreed that if Calvin got any salmon, he'd share it.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1990
Dear Grandma, thank you for the nice box of crayons you sent me for Christmas. This is prompt. Oh yeah, I always send grandma a thank-you note right away. ... ever since she sent me that empty box with the sarcastic note saying she was just checking to see if the postal service was still working.
Calvin writes a thank you note to his Grandma for the crayons she sent. Calvin tells Hobbes he always sends Grandma a thank-you note right away. Calvin has done that ever since she sent an empty box with a sarcastic note saying she was checking to see if the Postal Service was still working.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1990
That's enough TV! Go play outside. I don't WANT to go outside. Hmph.
Dad turns off the TV and tells Calvin to play outside. Calvin doesn't want to. Grumpily, he goes outside. He starts to build a snow man. He places it by the window looking in at Dad. Twigs are placed for hands to have the snow man thumbing his ears at Dad.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1990
Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort, I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! I'm outside my fort now!
Calvin shouts out that he's invincible behind the walls of his snow fort. He says no one dares to attack him. Everyone is too chicken. He ducks behind the wall. He waits. Nothing happens. He comes out and yells that he's outside his fort now.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1990
It's freezing in here! I can almost see my breath! The thermostat is at 68, where it's going to stay. I'm surprised the water pipes haven't frozen! Look, my lips are blue! I'm catching pneumonia! I'm going into hypothermia! If you're cold, why don't you go shovel the driveway and get your blood moving? Nice sweater. Hmph.
Calvin complains to Dad that it's so cold he can see his breath. Dad says the thermostat is staying where it is. Calvin is surprised water pipes haven't frozen. He says his lips are blue, he's catching pneumonia and is going into hypothermia. Dad suggests that if he's cold, why doesn't he shovel the driveway to get his blood moving. Later, Dad compliments Calvin on his sweater.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1990
The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball, the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyone's a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball, it's a work of art! This snow, for example, is just a little too powdery. It won't sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! It's a lost tradition, I tell you! My snowballs aren't assembly line productions! They take me longer to make, but each one is a unique masterpiece! That's why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. It's a crass culture, Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's getting disillusioned with these New Years. He says they don't seem new at all. Each new year is just like the old year. Another year's gone by, and everything is still the same. There's still pollution, war, stupidity, and greed. Things haven't changed. He asks what kind of future this is. He thought things were supposed to improve. He thought the future was supposed to be better. Hobbes says the problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1990
By the power invested in me by the mighty and awful snow demons, I command you to come to life! LIVE! LIVE! LIVVVE! RRGHH!
Calvin stands next to a snowman lying on the ground. Calvin says that by the power invested in him by the mighty and awful snow demons, he commands the snowman to come to life. He tells the snowman to live! The snowman rises up. Calvin runs off, with the snowman in hot pursuit.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1991
*GASP* I (pant, pant) MADE it! *GASP* What's with you? I thought you were out building a snowman. I did (pant, pant), but I brought him to life (pant, pant) and now he's after me! I barely escaped! Uh huh. Lookout the window! He's probably lurching around the yard! Good heavens, you build a snowman right on the front step?! How are we going to get out the door?! AUGHH! He's looking in! he knows where I live!!
Calvin runs inside, gasping for air. Calvin tells Mom he built the snowman, but then he brought it to life. Now, the snowman is after Calvin. Calvin tells Mom to look out the window. Mom looks and sees the snowman on the front step. She asks how they'll get out the door. Horrified, Calvin says he's looking in and now knows where he lives.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1991
You brought a snowman to LIFE?? I didn't think he'd be evil! What are we going to do? I dunno, but we've got to get rid of him somehow. Maybe we could lure him inside and he'd melt! It would take him HOURS, and if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor. Hmm... how did they finally kill "Frosty"? Beats me. Now I wish I'd watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
Calvin and Hobbes hide behind a tree. Calvin didn't know the snowman he brought to life would be evil. He knows they have to get rid of it. Hobbes suggests luring him inside so he'd melt. Calvin rejects that idea. It would take hours, it might kill Mom, and if it didn't, Mom would have a fit about the water on the floor. Hobbes asks how they finally killed "Frosty". Calvin wishes he'd watched that show. He suggests maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1991
Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look, it's given him an idea! He's packing more snow onto himself! He's making himself bigger! Oh NO!
Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1991
He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!
The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1991
The snow goon is lumbering off toward the front yard! Let's cut around the house and build a fort! What do you suppose it's going to do? I don't know, but whatever it is, we're going to need protection! Calvin, that snowman out front is hideous. Why can't you make a NORMAL snowman? I tried, Dad. I tried.
The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1991
You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1991
This will be the strongest snow fort ever built! Ughh ngghh rghh mnhg UNNHH. There! We're safe from that snow goon NOW! I wonder why we haven't seen him for a while.
Calvin and Hobbes are building their snow fort. The snow goon makes another snow goon. Calvin, in their snow fort, says they're safe now. Hobbes wonders why they haven't seen him for awhile.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1991
Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. I'll say! The walls are two feet thick and we've got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? There's a snow goon running loose! If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. This could get ugly. What's a snow goon? It's like a snow man, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster. Oh, is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean, "all those"?
Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1991
Look, a NEW snow goon! That's not the one I made! The original snow goon must be making his OWN snow goons! OH NO! I'll bet he's making an army! In a few days, he could build a hundred snow goons! If each of THEM build ANOTHER hundred, and then THOSE all build a hundred MORE, why... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't out to kill me. I vote we make tracks for Florida.
There's a new snow goon, but it's not one Calvin made. He says the original snow goon must be making his own. Calvin fears he's making a snow goon army. He speculates how many there would be if the original made a hundred snow goons, then each of them makes their own goons. Calvin thinks that would be cool, if they weren't out to kill him. Hobbes suggests making tracks for Florida.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1991
Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1991
Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1991
The snow goons aren't moving! They're asleep! Now's our chance to go bump 'em off! We can't go outside NOW! It's 10 o'clock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. We'll have to wait at least an hour.
At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1991
Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1991
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON, DIE!
Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1991
More water, Hobbes! We'll freeze the snow goons right where they snooze! Die! Die! Let out more hose! Ha ha! These monsters will be popsicles through July! There! We got 'em all! I'll spray a little extra water around, just to make sure everything's absolutely frozen. Psst, Calvin! Your parents' light is on! I think your Dad's coming! Uh oh! Maybe I should get HIM with the hose, too.
Calvin is spraying water over the snow goons. He says he'll freeze them where they snooze. He walks through the yard spraying water all over. He covers all the snow goons, then sprays some more water around to be sure everything's frozen. Hobbes notices Mom and Dad's light is on. He tells Calvin that he thinks Dad is coming. Calvin wonders if he should spray Dad, also.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1991
That IS Calvin! He's outside with the garden hose! It's after midnight! What do we have to do, CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARD'S ICE! Run, Hobbes! Dad's a snow goon too!
Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1991
Dad, don't kill me! I can explain this! Help! Help! Snow goons! I froze 'em! They were going to GET me, so I had to get them first! Ask Hobbes! Calvin, it is after midnight. Believe me, we will discuss this VERY thoroughly tomorrow. You get into bed this instant. Like I'm going to get any sleep NOW.
Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1991
See?? See the snow goons? I didn't make them! I mean, I made ONE, sort of by accident, but the rest made themselves! They were building an army, see? See, that's why I had to freeze them last night! I had to get 'em while they were sleeping! It was my only chance, see? See, it all makes sense! See? See?? They never see.
Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1991
Well, Hobbes, I guess there's a moral to all this. What's that? Snow Goons are bad news. That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
As the snow goons melt, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a moral to all this. He says "snow goons are bad news". Hobbes says that lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. Calvin tells him he likes maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1991
What do you know about love, Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? I'm not telling. WHY NOT? It's a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? I'M sophisticated! Why won't you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you won't tell me what it is! Maybe when you're older. When I'm OLDER?! Why can't you tell me now?! Some things you wouldn't understand. Ha! I bet you don't know ANYthing about love! THAT's why you won't tell me!! If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look, just give me a hint, OK? One hint, c'mon! OK, here! "Snoogy-woogy wips". EWW See? I told you you weren't old enough.
Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1991
You have to admit it's slowed down the traffic on our road.
There is a snowman with a hole shot in him from a cannon behind. There is a snowman with a shovel, looking at the ground where the head of another snowman lies. Calvin has another snowman on a chair with a noose around its neck. Looking out the kitchen window, Dad tells Mom that she has to admit it's slowed down the traffic on their road.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1991
CALVIN!
Calvin has shoveled the front steps of the house. He has also shoveled a meandering path around the yard, going around trees, before heading toward the driveway. Dad, standing on the steps wanting to get to the car in the driveway, yells at Calvin for not just shoveling the sidewalk over to the driveway.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1991
Any luck? I'm so disappointed. HEY JET PILOTS! DO A BARREL ROLL!
Calvin is walking in the snow, clearing a path. He jumps over to start another path. He starts still another. Hobbes asks if he's had any luck. Calvin says he's so disappointed. In the snow, Calvin has made a message to jet pilots to do a barrel roll.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1991
WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who, me? Who, ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who, me???
WHAP! Susie gets hit in the back of the head with a snowball. She angrily asks Calvin if he threw that. Calvin points to himself and asks "Who, me". Calvin lies in the snow. At home, he stands in front of a mirror practicing saying "Who, me" to sound more convincing next time.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1991
If we go fast enough and pull up just as we hit those rocks, we might, if we're lucky, clear the ravine and have the ride of our lives! On the other hand, if we miss, we'll probably spend our few remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids! It's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat! There's no middle ground! OK, there IS a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.
Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan at the top of the hill. Calvin speculates that if they go fast enough and pull up just as they hit the rocks, they might clear the ravine and have the ride of their lives. He goes on to say if they miss, they'll spend their remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids. He raises his fist and says it's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat. There is no middle ground. Later, inside the house, Hobbes is lying in front of the fireplace reading a comic book. Calvin walks up to him and admits there is a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1991
No text
Calvin throws a snowball. Hobbes walks over to Calvin while brushing off snow from his shoulder. Calvin looks worried. Hobbes puts Calvin on the ground. Calvin is stuck, rolled up in the middle of a big snowball.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1991
When are we going to get there? Can't you drive any faster?? I don't like to go much faster than this. Can I drive, then? I'll bet I could go REAL fast! Hmm... well, OK, sure. I'll pull over. Don't worry about a thing, Dad! Which pedal is the clutch? The left one. Then brake, then gas. Here we go! Hang on! Ooh, this IS faster! Blow the horn! Make everyone get out of our way! Wheeee! We're airborne! We should've done this sooner! We'll get there in no time now! I wonder how fast we're going. Can't say. We broke the speedometer. This is the only way to travel. We're passing that jet! Way to go, Calvin! I LIKE driving! ..SIGHHH.. How much longer NOW? I told you we'll get there when we get there.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the sled at the top of Mount Maim. Calvin says he likes to experience life to the fullest. He likes to stare death in the eye and make him blink. He looks back at Hobbes and asks him if he thinks he's right. Hobbes tells him real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa. They sit on the sled. Next, we see them sitting by the fireplace, slurping from their mugs of cocoa.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1991
C'mon, Calvin! Get up or you'll be late for school. Today my SPIRIT is going to school while my body stays in bed. Now my spirit is in bed.
Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1991
Jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump! I win! You've only won in the outward manifestation of this game. My SPIRIT is still unvanquished. That's 165 straight games you've lost. My spirit is kicking the spirit of your checkers clear across the room.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's pieces and wins. Calvin informs Hobbes he has only won the outward manifestation of the game. His spirit is still unvanquished. Hobbes tells him he's lost 165 straight games. Calvin tells Hobbes his spirit is kicking the spirit of Hobbes' checkers clear across the room.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1991
Who would like to summarize what we just read? Calvin? How about you? Sorry! I'm here against my will. I refuse to cooperate. They can transport my BODY to school, but they can't chain my SPIRIT! My spirit roams free! Walls can't confine it! Laws can't restrain it! Authority has no power over it! Calvin, if you'd put half the energy of your protests into your schoolwork... You can try to leave a message, but my spirit screens its calls.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin would like to summarize what they read in class. Calvin declines, saying he's here against his will. He refuses to cooperate. He shakes his fist and says they can transport his body to school, but they can't chain his spirit. Walls can't confine it, laws can't restrain it, authority has no power over it. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that if he put half the energy into his protests into his schoolwork... Calvin interrupts her by saying she can try to leave a message, but his spirit screens its calls.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1991
Time for bed, Calvin. You can put my body to bed, but my spirit's going to stay right here, so why bother? Why shouldn't I just stay up? Because the body is the home of the spirit, and if you're not in bed in two minutes, your spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Home sweet home.
Dad tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells him he can put his body to bed, but his spirit's going to stay playing. He asks Dad why he shouldn't just stay up. Dad explains that the body is the home of the spirit, and if he's not in bed in two minutes, his spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Calvin, in bed, says "home sweet home".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1991
There ought to be a law against having school on days when there's enough snow to play in. Of course, I don't think there should be school in FALL either... and summer's out altready... and then there's spring... I guess I'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. By second grade, you'd be packing your lunch box with denture cleaners. And before I got to third grade, I could reture.
Standing on the corner, waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes there ought to be a law against having school on days there is enough snow to play in. Calvin goes on to say he doesn't think there should be school in the fall, either. Summer's out already, then there is spring. Calvin guesses he'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. Hobbes says that by second grade, he'd be packing his lunch box with denture cleaners. Calvin finishes the thought by saying before he got to third grade, he could retire.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1991
Here comes the giant ship! AHWOOOOOO! AHWOOOOO! But what's this?! He's going full speed through the dangerous strait! The oil tanker crashed, Mom. You poured INK in the bath water??
In the bathtub, Calvin plays with a toy ship. He says the ship is going full speed through the dangerous strait. He gets out of the tub and runs out of the bathroom. He comes back with something in his hand. Later, Mom is horrified to see that Calvin has poured ink in the bath water. Calvin tells her the oil tanker crashed.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1991
No text
Calvin's world suddenly has no hue, value, or chroma. He asks if the photoreceptors in his eyes have stopped working, or has the fundamental nature of light changed. Perhaps something has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum. As he walks, he wonders if objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths. Whatever the case, it's clear to Calvin that there's no point in discussing things with Dad. Dad tells Calvin that his problem is, Calvin sees everything in terms of black and white. Calvin angrily replies sometimes that's the way things are.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1991
Look what I made, Hobbes. What is it? What IS it? Why, it's a huge bird foot. I'm going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two-ton chickadee walked by. I guess time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. He's just jealous because I accomplish so much more than he does.
Calvin shows Hobbes a bird foot he made. He tells Hobbes he's going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two ton chickadee walked by. Hobbes suggests time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. As Calvin presses the bird foot into the snow, he says Hobbes is just jealous because he accomplishes so much more than Hobbes.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1991
Hey Dad, you know how you wanted me to shovel the driveway? Well I thought up a BETTER idea! I'll shovel and pack the snow into a big ramp! You can get in the car, rev up to near red line, throw out the clutch, leave a patch of multen rubber out the garage, and zoom up the ramp! Then we could line barrells and stuff down the driveway and see how many you could clear! Wouldn't that be great?? I don't see why some people even HAVE cars.
Calvin tells Dad he has a better idea for shoveling the driveway. He'll pack the snow into a big ramp. Then Dad can rev up the car, throw out the clutch, and leave a patch of molten rubber in the garage, then zoom up the ramp. Calvin will have barrels down the driveway to see how many Dad can clear. He thinks that would be great. Apparently, Dad doesn't. Calvin walks through the snow, shovel over his shoulder, not knowing why some people even have cars.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1991
AUGHHH! A SNOW SNAKE'S GOT ME! Horrible inner teeth on its separately moving upper jaw bones are pulling me down its frigid gullet! Run for your life! At least I HAVE a life... unlike some weirdos I know. I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'D feel hostile too.
Calvin is lying inside the mouth of a snow snake. Susie is walking by. Calvin tells her about the horrible inner teeth pulling him into the snake's frigid gullet. He tells Susie to run for her life. Susie walks away saying she, at least, has a life...unlike some weirdos she knows. Later, Calvin stands next to the snow snake saying that if he had two x chromosomes, he'd feel hostile, too.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1991
No one ELSE at office talks about this kind of thing.
Dad pulls the car into the driveway to see several snowmen standing in the yard near the driveway. The snowmen are carrying signs saying "Later bedtimes, fewer baths", "Egad, bad Dad", "Calvin's Dad unfair", and "Too strict". Dad says no one else at the office talks about this kind of thing.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1991
I like sledding DOWN hills. But I hate having to climb back up! It's too much work! It's boring! It's slow! I know! I'll sit on the sled and you PULL me up, OK? Run as fast as you can, and zigzag around trees and stuff! Even my FRIENDS don't do what I want.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to sled down hills, but he hates having to climb back up. He says it's too boring and slow. Calvin suggests he sit on the sled and have Hobbes pull him up the hill. Hobbes would run as fast as he could, zigzagging around trees. Hobbes walks off, leaving Calvin to lament not even his friends do what he wants.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1991
Calvin's been outside building something since early this morning. I can't tell what it is. Can you? It doesn't look like anything from here.
Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1991
... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later, Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee, what fun! I'm glad you could come home so early! C'mon ol' buddy! Let's go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!
In rhyme, Calvin is lying in the snow, making an angel. He sees a UFO. The aliens snag Calvin with a hook on his overcoat and hoist him aboard. He tries to fight away, but it's no use. The tie him up and wired his cranium to a suction cup. Current courses across his cerebellum, coaxing things from his brain tissue he wouldn't tell them. All the math he ever learned were removed in this operation. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood his escape was an adventure, but suffice to say, he cannot add, so she should ask some other kid.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1991
There's Susie! Heh heh! Watch me knock her fillings loose! YAAA! PIFF You know, I THOUGHT Earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. I guess that explains how you spilled your oatmeal down the heater this morning.
Calvin prepares a snowball to throw at Susie. He tells Hobbes to watch him knock her fillings loose. Calvin throws the snowball. PIFF! It falls a couple feet away. They look at the fallen snowball. Calvin tells Hobbes he thought earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. Hobbes figures that explains why Calvin spilled his oatmeal down the heater that morning.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1991
Obviously I can't throw snowballs at Susie when Earth's gravity has increased. THIS is a job for... ...for? Mom must've put my cape in the wrong drawer!
Calvin and Hobbes are still looking at the snowball. Calvin says he can't throw snowballs at Susie if the earth's gravity has increased. Calvin says "This is a job for..." and runs off. Hobbes stands puzzled. Hobbes goes back inside the house to see Calvin rummaging through his dresser drawers. He has his Stupendous Man cowl on. As he tosses clothes aside, he says Mom must have put his cape in the wrong drawer.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1991
So who is this a job for? STUPENDOUS MAN! Mmf! Ghh! Super heroes wear snow pants? When there's snow out, they do! This looks like a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Well of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching me!
Hobbes asks Calvin who this is a job for. Calvin replies "Stupendous Man". Calvin struggles with his pants. Hobbes asks if super heroes wear snow pants. Calvin angrily replies they do when there's snow out. Calvin is on his back, trying to get his pants on. Hobbes looks down on him and says this looks like a real job for Stupendous Man. Calvin tells Hobbes of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1991
Earth's excessive gravity is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous strength! With muscules of magnitude, the masked man of might rolls a gigantic snowball... and flies it high into the stratosphere... where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend ANNOYING GIRL!
Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Man's strength. The masked man of might makes a gigantic snowball, flies high into the stratosphere, where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend, Annoying Girl. Susie is walking down the sidewalk.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1991
From high in the sky, STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earth's strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished, the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin, Susie's Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1991
Susie's Mom says you dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. It couldn't have been ME! I'm very mild mannered. She described exactly the hood and cape I made you. Why, it must've been STUPENDOUS MAN, defender of liberty and justice! I'm sure Susie deserved whatever she got. Listen to me. You could hurt someone that way, and if I ever hear of anything like this again, I'll take away your costume for good, got it? Hmm, this sounds like ANOTHER job for Stupendous Man! Actually, it doesn't sound like QUITE his type of job.
Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1991
Z
Riding on their toboggan, Calvin tells Hobbes he watched a nature program on TV last night. Then, he asked Dad if life was nothing more than trying to survive long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Hobbes asks what Dad said. Calvin replies Dad looked at him a minute, then said he didn't know about the rest of it, but thought the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. They slide along, then Calvin says he's noticed in those programs how young males often leave the herd at an early age. Hobbes replies that he thinks it's good that everyone becomes food.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1991
Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems? I think grown-ups just ACT like they know what they're doing.
Calvin asks Dad how soldiers killing each other solves the world's problems. Dad sits there looking. He keeps sitting and looking. Calvin walks off saying he thinks grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1991
Hi honey! How was school? I got stuck in my snow pants. Uh oh. What happened? Well, the zipper got covered with ice, so I tried to force it. Then my mitten got caught and jammed the zipper. I tried to PULL my snow pants off, but I forgot to take my boots off first, so THOSE got stuck, and then the pants got all twisted, so I fell over, and finally the teacher had to call two custodians to get me out! So I want to be sure to wear them again tomorrow.
Mom asks how Calvin's day went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his snow pants. He says the zipper got covered with ice, he tried to force it, but his mitten got caught. He then tried to take his snow pants off, but he hadn't taken his boots off first. Then the pants got twisted, he fell over, and the teacher had to call two custodians to get him out. He tells Mom he wants to wear them again tomorrow.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 FEB 1991
Look, I've got some modelling clay! What are you making? This is a hoof. A hoof? Right! This will be a life-size equestrian statue of me! A new horseman of the apocalypse, hmm? I think I'm going to need more clay.
Calvin has some modeling clay. Hobbes asks what he's making. Calvin replies it's a hoof. He tells Hobbes it's going to be a life-size equestrian statue of him. Hobbes asks if it will be a new horseman of the apocalypse. Calvin is sure he's going to need more clay.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 FEB 1991
My essay is entitled "After school at my house". ...ahem... "It's not that I MIND being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and they..." What, Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything.
Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay "After School At My House". He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 FEB 1991
SSS SNAP FSST POP! SNARRL YOWP GRR FSSSSS PSSSTSS GRR That's why I'M way over HERE.
Hobbes is sleeping in front of the fireplace. Suddenly, the wood in the fireplace pops. Hobbes is startled. He spins around, snarling and scratching. Hobbes angrily looks back at the fireplace. Calvin, lying on the sofa reading a book, says that's why he's way over there.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 FEB 1991
MOMM! MOM! What's the matter?? What's wrong? Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!! He says the first kiss didn't take. Hmph. I don't think THAT one took either. Oh go to sleep.
In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1991
Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, "I'm home." Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1991
AUGH! Who did this? The Dame's scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs, but it meant I had a case, and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to my ears any day. After all, I'm not an opera critic. I'm a private eye.
Mom sees a night stand dumped over with a broken lamp. She yells "Who did this". In his office, Tracer Bullet hears Mom's yell. He knows he has a case. He says the sound of greenbacks slapping across his palms is music to his ears. He's not an opera critic, he's a private eye.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1991
I keep two magnum's in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop. It's a tough job, but then, I'm a tough guy. Some people don't like an audience when they work. Enough of them have told me so with blunt instruments that I'm a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, my bookie, and Bill, my probation officer. So when a tall brunette opened my door with a case for me, my heart did a few calisthenics and I took the job.
Tracer Bullet keeps two magnums in his desk. One is a gun he keeps loaded, the other a bottle that keeps him loaded. He's a tough guy who people don't want around when they work. They've told him so with blunt instruments. He's a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, his bookie, and Bill, his probation officer. When the tall brunette opened the door with a case for him (Mom coming into his bedroom fuming), his heart did some calisthenics and took the job.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1991
The dame said she had a case. She sounded like a case herself, but I can't choose my clients. She was the pushy type, the kind who'd break your heart, or maybe your arms. I hurried over. Either she had a psychotic decorator, or her place had been ransacked by someone in a big hurry. WELL?! How do you explain this? The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are.
Tracer says the dame had a case. She was the pushy type. She'd break your heart, or your arms. Mom scoots Calvin to the broken lamp. Tracer looks at the damage and figures she either has a psychotic decorator or someone ransacked the place in a big hurry. Mom asks how Calvin can explain the damage. Calvin thinks the dame was hysterical. They usually are.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1991
What have you got to say for yourself? Don't touch anything. I'm looking for clues. The click of a hammer being cocked behind my head focused my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. The dame had set me up! She didn't want me to solve the case at all! She just wanted a patsy to pin the crime on! Well? I didn't like the way this story was shaping up, so I decided to write a new ending with my .45 automatic as co-author.
Mom asks Calvin what he has to say for himself. Calvin tells Mom he's looking for clues. Tracer realizes it's all a set up. The dame wanted a patsy to pin the crime on. Calvin thinks he doesn't like the way this story is shaping up, so he's decided to write a new ending with his .45 automatic as coauthor.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1991
I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments, while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. You're in REAL trouble NOW, young man!!
Tracer introduces the dame to his friend, his gun. His friend is an eloquent speaker. Tracer fires three times, and he leaves the room. Mom has three suction darts on the wall behind her. She rolls up her sleeves. She tells Calvin he's in real trouble now. Calvin runs off.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1991
I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh?
Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAR 1991
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet. There is no vegetation. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color. A huge mountain rises out of the plain. Our hero pulls up. Spiff discovers it's not a mountain at all. The whole landscape is bedding for a horrendous monster. Dad sleepily looks to see what time it is. Calvin, next to Dad in bed, says the creature appears hostile. Our hero readies a hydro bomb. Calvin has a glass of water poised to douse Dad.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAR 1991
What's up today? Nothing so far. "So far"? Well, you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that.
Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies "Nothing so far". When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1991
I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE don't ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold, uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant, your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me I'm adopted.
Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1991
You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAR 1991
An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans don't HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WE'RE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great, how come they don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs, or nuclear... um... reactors, or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy, talk about agility! Hmph.
Hobbes cheerfully tells Calvin a cheetah can run over 60 miles per hour. He says a human can hardly do a quarter of that. Calvin replies that humans don't need to be that fast because they're smarter. Calvin goes on to ask Hobbes why cats don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs. He stops. Hobbes happily continues by saying cats see six times better than humans. Calvin grumpily kicks a rock.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1991
AUGHH The thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. OH, I'M REAL SORRY!
Calvin is walking along when he suddenly looks back, horrified. He runs as fast as he can. Hobbes is in the air, ready to pounce on Calvin. Afterward, Hobbes brushes dust off his fur complaining the thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. Calvin, lying upside down on the ground, says that he's real sorry.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAR 1991
Ha! I landed on chance. I get to take a card! Oh no! It says, "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverse assets into your account. Collect $5,000." I think I'll buy a few dozen hotels. Ooh, you just wait till I land on chance! Monopoly is more fun when you make your own chance cards.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Monopoly. Hobbes lands on Chance. Hobbes reads "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverts assets to your account. Collect $5000". Hobbes thinks he'll buy a few dozen hotels. Calvin tells him to wait until he lands on Chance. Calvin says Monopoly is more fun when you make your own Chance cards.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1991
Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! What's gone wrong? He's a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes don't even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And what's this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvin's hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesn't even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They aren't the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee, it was getting pretty goot at the end.
Calvin walks by the stream. He looks at the waterfall. It's now raining. A fire truck pulls up, and the fireman sprays Calvin with the water hose. Calvin is rolling on giant water waves. Calvin wakes up with a start. He runs into the bathroom.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAR 1991
BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse me.
Calvin has a paddle-ball toy. He hits the ball a few times, then stops. The ball hangs down on the rubber band. He says he resents the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1991
Hey Dad, Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didn't have guns, people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him that's not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter, you chiseler.
Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1991
BU-URRPP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AUTHOR! AUTHOR! ENCORE! Philistines.
At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1991
I'm not going to school today. Oh, you're not? Nope! I'm staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed.
Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1991
Today for show and tell I brought one of my own patent pending inventions! I have in my hand an invisible cretinizer! One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron! OH SURE, CALVIN! GIVE US A BREAK! As Ronald proves, it's quite effective even at long range. HEY!
For show and tell, Calvin has one of his patent pending inventions. It's an invisible cretinizer. One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron. From the back of the room, one of the kids yells for Calvin to give them a break. Calvin continues by saying as Ronald proves, it's quite effective, even at long range.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1991
Find any dinosaur bones yet? Nope. I wish we lived in the badlands of Montana. It's easier there because erosion often exposes the bones. HERE though, you just have to start digging and hope for the best. Hence the systematic approach, hmm? Right. I guess I'll have to move that sapling.
Calvin is digging a hole, when Hobbes asks if he's found any dinosaur bones yet. Calvin says nope. He wishes they lived in the badlands of Montana. He says it's easier there, because erosion often exposes the bones. Calvin starts digging again, while saying here, you start digging and hope for the best. From above, we see Calvin has dug several holes in the yard. Hobbes asks if that's why he's using the systematic approach. Calvin says yes. He guesses he'll have to move a sapling.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1991
Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough, do you? FINE! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WE'LL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! C'MON. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think I'll take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHAT'S WITH THE HAIL?! THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! What's going with you?! Ow! Ow! I'm going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! I'll bet there's an explanation for this, and I'll bet I don't want to hear it. The universe has an attitude, Mom!
Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1991
Well, look at you! Don't you look nice and neat! Yes, I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which, I'd better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
Calvin walks by Mom. Mom comments on how nice and neat he looks. Calvin says he believes in the importance of good grooming. He says he better get in the tub if he wants to be in bed on time. Mom is stunned. She yells after him "Just what are you up to".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1991
I heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! There's no mess anywhere! And you're already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight, so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks, Mom.
Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1991
Good morning, Mom. You're up and dressed? I didn't even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. And with the extra time, I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. I'm bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Don't get up. I'll fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes?
Calvin wishes Mom a good morning. She is shocked to see him up and dressed. She hadn't called him. Calvin says he likes to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. With the extra time, he can review his assignments and be better prepared for class. Mom says she's bracing herself for when the other shoe drops. Calvin tells her not to get up. He'll fix his own breakfast. He asks if they have any prunes.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1991
I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! I'm off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. I'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I can't believe your Mom thinks that's you.
Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1991
I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1991
Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!
Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1991
I never get to do anything REALLY fun. If you're bored, go clean your room.
There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1991
When you're done putting my toys away, you can get to work on my math assignment. OK. Isn't this the life? We get to do whatever we want while goody-two-shoes here does all the work! He doesn't even complain! Virtue is its own reward. He doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness sure gets on my nerves.
Calvin tells his duplicate that when he's done putting his toys away, he can get to work on Calvin's math assignment. Calvin says they get to do whatever they want, while goody-two-shoes does all the work. He doesn't even complain. The duplicate says "Virtue is its own reward". Reading his comic, Calvin says he doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness gets on his nerves.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1991
Hello, may I carry your books for you? Why? So you can throw them in a puddle or something? Forget it! I wouldn't do that! Yeah, you'd probably do something WORSE! You're not touching my books, Calvin! Strictly speaking, I'm not Calvin. I'm the physical manifestation of Calvin's GOOD side. If that was true, you'd be a lot smaller. Boy, have I heard THAT joke a lot. And if you think you can get my books by acting even weirder than usual, think again!
The duplicate asks Susie if he can carry her books. She asks if he's going to throw them into a puddle. The duplicate says he wouldn't do that. Susie says he'd probably do something worse. She says he's not going to touch her books. The duplicate informs her that strictly speaking, he's not Calvin. He's the physical manifestation of Calvin's good side. Susie says if that was true, he'd be a lot smaller. The duplicate says he's heard that joke a lot.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1991
Say, Calvin, that nice girl down the street seems to think you're a total jerk. Who, Susie? You weren't talking to Susie, were you? Yes. I offered to carry her books and she... YOU DID WHAT?! She clearly doesn't trust you at all. Oh, man! Nobody SAW you, did they?! They'll think it was ME! You want to make it look like I LIKE her?! She seemed upset, so this afternoon I took her some flowers I picked, but... AUGHH! AUGHH! AUGHH!
The duplicate tells Calvin the nice girl down the street thinks Calvin is a total jerk. The duplicate says he offered to carry her books. Calvin can't believe it. The duplicate says she doesn't trust Calvin at all. Calvin grabs the duplicate and asks if anyone saw him. Calvin says they'll think it was him. Calvin asks if he wants to make it look like Calvin likes her. The duplicate says she seemed so upset, he took her some flowers he picked. Calvin is shocked.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1991
I hear you're pretty smooth with the ladies! Woo woo woo! Oh, knock it off! It's that darn duplicate and you know it! Man, he's gone too far! I don't mind if he cleans my room and gets good grades, but by golly, I draw the line at being nice to Susie! Can't that duplicate tell she's a GIRL?! Oh, I think he's figured that out. I saw him cutting hearts out of red construction paper! WAUGH! ... And who could make My heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair Sweet Susie.
Hobbes tells Calvin he hears he's pretty smooth with the ladies. Calvin tells him to knock it off. He says it's the duplicate. Calvin says he doesn't mind if the duplicate cleans his room and gets good grades. He draws the line at being nice to Susie. He asks Hobbes if the duplicate can't tell she's a girl. Hobbes informs him the duplicate has figured that out. He says he saw him cutting hearts out of construction paper. The duplicate writes "...and who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1991
DON'T TELL ME MY DUPLICATE IS WRITING SUSIE MASH NOTES!! You little charmer, you! I'm the dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club! My reputation! My honor! My principles! We've got to stop him! Oh no! He's not in my room! He must be on his way to Susie's house! You're probably going to get smoochies right now! Big wet ones, I bet! MORE sarcasm?! You come here again and I'll clobber you, Calvin.
Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1991
You again?! Was I here before? Are you crazy?! You were here just two minutes ago! Uh-oh. I'm not STILL here, am I? YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE! WELL ANYONE CAN SEE THAT! AM I HERE ANYWHERE ELSE?! Sheesh. SLAM. Who can fathom the feminine mind? I like 'em anyway.
Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says "You again". Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1991
It's true, Hobbes, ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're wilfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! We're heading for that cliff! I don't want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this.
Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1991
THERE you are! There YOU are! What's the big idea giving Susie a mushy valentine?! Are you nuts? She wouldn't even accept it! YOU'RE such a jerk, she always thinks you're up to something! Who are you calling a jerk, you namby-pamby goody-goody! YOU, you self-centered conniving brat! Wow, how existential can you get?
Calvin finds his duplicate. Calvin complains about the duplicate giving Susie a valentine. The duplicate says she wouldn't even accept it. He calls Calvin a jerk. Calvin calls the duplicate a namby-pamby goody-goody. The duplicate calls Calvin a self-centered, conniving brat. They fight. Hobbes asks how existential can you get.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1991
So it's a fight you want, is it?! Why, I'll tear you limb from... Yeah? Yeah? Oops! I had an evil thought! FFTT. Another casualty of applied metaphysics. My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!
The duplicate says he's going to fight Calvin. FFTT! He disappears. He had an evil thought. Hobbes calls it another casualty of applied metaphysics. Calvin says his ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron. He says he's a genius.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1991
You're the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. That's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course, now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually, now that my good side is no longer a physical being, I find him that much easier to ignore.
Hobbes tells Calvin he's the only person he knows whose good side is prone to badness. Calvin says that's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle Calvin. He spectralized just in time. Hobbes calls it fascinating. He reminds Calvin he'll have to do his homework himself. Calvin says since his good side is no longer a physical being, he finds him that much easier to ignore.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1991
Well, that's the end of chapter one. We'll stop here. No, read the whole book, OK? Calvin, there's a hundred more pages and it's late. We'll read another chapter tomorrow. No, no! Finish it tonight! Gee, you must really like this. I have to write a paper on it tomorrow.
Dad is reading a story to Calvin. Dad says he's reached the end of chapter one. He says they'll stop there. Calvin tells him to read the whole book. Dad says there's a hundred more pages, and it's late. He says they'll read another chapter tomorrow. Calvin asks him to finish it tonight. Dad says he must really like the book. Calvin tells him he has to write a paper on it tomorrow.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1991
You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's noticed that things don't bug you if you don't think about them. He says he's not going to think about anything he doesn't like, and he'll be happy all the time. Hobbes asks if that isn't a silly and irresponsible way to live. Calvin looks at the sky and says "What a pretty afternoon".
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1991
What are you doing out in the rain? I'm engaging in a contest of wills! It's me against nature! It's me against nature! Which of us is going to give up first? Is NATURE going to give up and stop raining, or am I going to give up and go inside? So far, it's undecided, but I'm determined to win! OOOH, BIG NOISE! YOU DON'T SCARE ME! KEEP IT COMING! I'M NOT GOING IN! Poor guy just couldn't stand the suspense.
Hobbes comes out in the rain with an umbrella to ask Calvin why he's out there. Calvin stands with his arms crossed. He says he's engaged in a contest of wills. It's him against nature. He raises his fists and asks which one is going to give up first. Will nature give up and stop raining, or will he give up and go inside. He says he's determined to win. There is a big KABOOM! Hobbes is startled. Calvin yells to the skies that the big noise doesn't scare him. He's not going in. Hobbes does go in. Calvin says the poor guy couldn't stand the suspense.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1991
This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order, dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On today's agenda, we'll make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously, this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK, first, girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second, they're good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee, slow down! Number three, girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four, they're good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous, sissy idea is THAT?! Well, it's true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! You're demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You can't supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know it's a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it, so don't try to deny it! ME?! That's a filthy lie! You'll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night, remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl, sort of... See? According to club rules, you should be excommunicated. OK, Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! We'll add an amendment saying smooching is optional, if it's your Mom. This is such a great club!
Prehistoric beasts look up. A tyrannosaurus roars. Calvin makes a terrible face, snorts and growls. His classmates all look at him. He says he's sorry. He had a little sinus congestion. He puts his face in his hands and sighs.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1991
I have an announcement. As of today, I will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". From now on, I wish to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". Calvin the Bold? Right. That's my new name for the rest of my life. How about Calvin the deranged? Also, Calvin the Bold will being reffering to himself in the third person.
Calvin tells Mom that as of today, he will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". He wishes to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". He says that's the new name for the rest of his life. She asks how about Calvin the Deranged. Calvin tells her that Calvin the Bold will begin referring to himself in the third person.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1991
Calvin, will you do the next problem, please? Calvin? Who?? YOU! CALVIN THE BOLD demands that he be addressed by his full title for any response. Back again, hmm, Calvin? Who?
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to do the next problem. He just sits there. She asks him again. Calvin turns around, wondering who she's talking to. Miss Wormwood yells that she wants him. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that Calvin the Bold demands he be addressed by his full title for any response. In the principal's office, he asks Calvin if he's back again. Calvin looks around, wondering who he's talking to.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1991
Calvin the bold! Yes? Kneel. Huh?? What? Kneel? By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "Mud". You may rise. My name is MUD?! Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.
Dad sits on his chair and calls Calvin the Bold. Calvin runs in. Dad tells him to kneel. Calvin does. Dad says that by the finite patience vested in him, he hereby dubs Calvin "Mud". He tells Calvin to rise. Calvin realizes his name is mud. He walks off, grumbling that Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.
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Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow GoonsThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1991
MOMMM What's the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? IT'S 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it, I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. I'll be that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.
In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1991
Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didn't cook it enough the FIRST time, so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE side's BURNED and other OTHER's hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.
Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1991
You know, before there was television, kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change, huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about?
Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1991
RINNGG
Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1991
Pull me way back! More... more... more... Hold it!
Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1991
Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??
On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1991
YOU'VE BEEN HITTING ROCKS IN THE HOUSE?! WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Poor genetic material? Bad guess.
Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1991
Want to see a great idea in action? First you drink half of the milk in your thermos. That leaves enough room so you can wad the rest of your lunch in there. See, here goes my jelly sandwich and a banana. Let it soak for a minute, then shake it all up into sludge and choke it down! Your stomach won't know the difference, and it saves your teeth undue wear and tear! Nobody likes my great ideas in action.
At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1991
I'd say I've had a pretty good life so far. In fact, looking back, I have only one regret. What's that? I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes.
Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1991
No text
Calvin has a bat and tosses a baseball into the air. As it falls, he swings and misses. He walks off. He returns with a beachball.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1991
Calvin, the commercial airline pilot, decides not to fly to St. Louis as scheduled! Calvin doesn't WANT to see St. Louis. Calvin wants to see the GRAND CANYON! Tourists on the rim wave to Calvin's screaming passengers as the jet roars into the gorge! ... UP CLOSE! What a view! It's an experience none will ever forget! Everyone will be glad later that Calvin took this scenic detour! If I was driving, that's where we'd go. Well, you're NOT driving, and Arizona is NOT on the way to the grocery store.
Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate. He starts to shape it. He grabs some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into the same face, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair. Dad yells at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1991
Attention! All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the great grandiose dictator-for-life, the ruler supreme, the fearless, the brave, the held-high-in-esteem, Calvin the Bold! Yes, stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente, Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views embraced! You can tell this is a great club by the way we start our meetings!
Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1991
This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club is now in session! First Tiger Hobbes will present our financial report. Wait, we didn't sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. We sing that at the END of the meeting. I want to sing it NOW. We can't. We have to follow proper protocol! See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem LAST! Ohhohh GROHOSS BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS... STOP THAT YOU ANARCHIST!
Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1991
You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You can't give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? I"m dictator-for-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If you're so important, how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!
Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1991
By golly, I won't stand for this insubordination! You are hereby demoted to "Club Mascot"! Oh yeah? Well YOU can be "Club Chowder Head", because I QUIT! I'm forming my OWN club, and it's going to be a lot better than THIS one! Ha! Your sorry won't have a cool acronym for a name, I'll bet! It will too! MY club is called "C.A.D." C.A.D? What's THAT supposed to stand for? "Calvin's A Dope"! THAT'S NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!
Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot". Hobbes says Calvin can be the "Club Chowder Head", because he quits. He says he'll form his own club. Calvin bets his club won't have a cool acronym for a name. Hobbes tells Calvin his club is called C.A.D. Calvin asks what that stands for. Hobbes tells him "Calvin's A Dope".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1991
If you're club's called "Calvin's A Dope", then I'm changing the name of THIS club to "Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball"! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on we're bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes! They'll all be better than yours! I'm going to write myself a message in code right now! It says, "Calvin smells like a baboon!" Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT!
Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1991
When you see how cool MY club is, you'll beg to be in it, but I won't let you! Who needs your stinky club?! I've got my own club! My club dedicates itself to the destruction of your club! Good! IT's a battle to the finish! This is total war! Oh yeah? We'll see about THAT! What? Only in your dreams, fuzzy face! Hey Calvin! Who are you yelling at up there? Yikes! Shh! It's Susie!
Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1991
Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still, he gets into the cookies, spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes, he's a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted.
Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1991
Hobbes, it's Susie! She's right under us! It's the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth, pass me the bag of rotten apples we've been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! you're back in! You're back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. IT'S YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie, don't move, OK? Stay exactly where you are.
Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1991
YAA! YAA! GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS! HA HA! Ooh, is she mad at you! Ha ha ha! Our club is a success! I think she's running off to tell on us. Who cares! It was worth it! What a perfect plan! Talk about something we'll look back on with pride in our declining years!
Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1991
Susie Derkins says you were throwing mushy apples at her! We were getting rid of slimy girls! That's our club! Well STOP it! You know better than that! I think you'd better come inside. You can tell this is a great club because we always get in trouble for following our charter!
Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1991
You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time for this nonsense! I'm a busy guy! I've got things to do! The LAST think I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant! I'm glad you found time for this edifying conversation. Yeah well, I'm going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say you should stop and smell the roses. He says he did. He says they smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers. It was the most mundane experience he's had. He says he doesn't have time for that nonsense. He's a busy guy. He says the last thing he needs to do is stand around with his nose in some silly plant. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he's glad he somehow found the time for this edifying conversation. Calvin looks at his watch and says he's going to have to wrap it up. His TV show is about to start.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1991
OOOOOEEE EEBOOEE BOOEEBOO WAHHHOOOO That's my siren so you know I'm coming. Kids don't NEED sirens.
Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1991
They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait!
Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1991
I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang"? That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empericists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? "The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!" Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1991
Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1991
MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATRESS? No, Calvin. CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1991
No, Mom! Don't put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen, just because YOU never take one...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1991
Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1991
Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1991
Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1991
Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. He's sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesn't WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! He's an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on, Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queen's bidding! If you won't help US around the house, why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1991
Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1991
Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1991
Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1991
Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1991
I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if we're good or if we're bad?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1991
We're lost again. Ha! We're brave explorers! The word lost isn't even in our vocabulary! How about the word "Mommy"? Mommmyyy!!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1991
Z PSST! Hey kid, wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what you're up to! What's he doing? He's trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed, he'll grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! That's terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! I'll never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I can't get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure don't do very well.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1991
It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1991
I'm not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea, Calvin. It's a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1991
Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1991
Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1991
What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1991
Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1991
AAAAAAAAA Hm... I don't think so. Oh, C'mon. I'm right here.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1991
All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1991
2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1991
Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1991
We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1991
What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1991
We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1991
If you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a CONTACT sport!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1991
Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1991
That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1991
Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1991
Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1991
Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we we were dead!! I hate this job.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1991
Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1991
FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldn't do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothing's happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIME'S UP! That proves it! There's no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1991
Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1991
Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1991
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1991
Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1991
Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1991
Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your breserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1991
Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1991
A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1991
Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1991
Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1991
Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1991
I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1991
Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1991
The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, with noisy comotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn that you will soon be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job." That's my science fiction story. Think that's too far-fetched? Not enough, really.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1991
Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1991
I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1991
Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1991
Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1991
I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1991
Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1991
Something's wrong! We should've touched down by now! Oh no! We miscalculated! Reduce forward momentum! Landing leg is out of alignment! Communications lines are broken! View ports open! Focus! Focus! Rotate upper appendages! AAUGH! RED ALERT! We're going down! Crash positions! Adrenalin at maximum! Retract left landing leg! Redistribute all weight! It's too late! Prepare for impact! Circuit overload! Essential functions only! AAAAAAAAAAA KABOOM Goodness! Are you all right?? Damage assessment is under way.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1991
I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1991
Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1991
Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1991
When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1991
Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1991
I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1991
Ooh, these bug bites itch! But I won't scratch! It's mind over matter. I deny I itch! Aaaahh Oh man, it was worth it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1991
You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1991
I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1991
Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1991
Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1991
Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1991
Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1991
The fearless Spaceman Spiff flies low over an uncharted planet! Suddenly, the alien-indicator light flashes! The bizarrotron shows a 3.7 weirdness level! our hero hits the decelerator! Watching for the alien, Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. Species are endlessly inventive in their will to survive! ZOUNDS!! THERE IT IS! What horrible circumstances of evolution would conspire to make a creature so profoundly UGLY? Our hero moves in for further examination of its hideousness! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?? GET AWAY FROM ME!! According to Spiff's field guide, the creature is a "gurl". Spiff makes a note that the bizarrotron has been reading a bit low lately. WEIRDO!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1991
Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1991
Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1991
Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1991
Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1991
A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1991
What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1991
It's hard to believe your conscience lets you sleep that well. NOW it does.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1991
Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1991
Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1991
Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1991
Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1991
I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1991
Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1991
CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION!! AAAAAAA We're studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in? Denial. ...sighhhh... I don't suppose I can argue with THAT...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1991
Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1991
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1991
As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1991
If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1991
Here fish! They must know that one.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1991
Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1991
WUMP AAAAAA I need to make friends with some less territorial animals.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1991
I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1991
Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1991
You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1991
Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1991
Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1991
Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1991
BLECHHH
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1991
Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1991
In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1991
Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1991
Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1991
Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1991
Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1991
I don't like the real experience. It's too weird to figure out! You never know what's going on! You don't have any control over events! I prefer to have life filtered through television. That way you know events have been packaged for your convenience! I like a narrative imposed on life, so everything logically proceeds to a tidy conclusion. And if you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel and there's something different! That's how real life should be. "Click". Oh good, a farce!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1991
Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1991
Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1991
Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1991
It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1991
Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1991
I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1991
Whatcha doin'? Mom won't get me a springboard so I'm making my own. Now you can watch me do the highest jump into the leafpile you ever saw. HERE I GOO! YAA HOOP BONK GAA! WAP! OFF! BOP Why wouldn't your Mom get you a springboard? She was afraid I'd hurt myself.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1991
In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1991
It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1991
Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1991
The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1991
The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1991
Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1991
Hmm.. you don't have a fever. That's good. My throat's still kind of scratchy. I think I should stay home from school tomorrow. We'll see. You keep resting and I'll fix some soup to bring you. OK. Not feeling so good?? YIPE! I'm FINE! I'm the picture of health! I feel great! And I know what you're thinking, you savage! By golly, if you try carrying me off to dispatch, you'll be in for a big surprise! Get away from me! Here's your soup. Goodness, you're all sweaty! Let me take your temperature again. I'll bet OTHER people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1991
I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1991
The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1991
Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1991
Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1991
Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1991
Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1991
We think EVERY sport should be played cross-country.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1991
A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1991
Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1991
I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1991
Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1991
I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1991
Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1991
Wow! Calvin suddenly finds himself on his own sheet of notebook paper! Fortunately, Calvin has been doodling all morning. Here's a tank! Pleased by how well it's rendered, Calvin climbs in! The blue ruled guide lines are no match for the tank's heavy treads! Calvin roars across the page anywhere he wants! There's the school! Calvin fires directly into Miss Wormwood's classroom! Kids dive out of the windows! Oh no! Miss Wormwood has come to put a stop to Calvin's fun! He fires again and again, but she's too big and mean! Hand it over, Leonardo, and see me after class. The arts are always the first to go in public schools.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1991
C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1991
I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1991
Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1991
This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1991
I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1991
Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1991
WATCHOO
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1991
Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1991
That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1991
Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1991
The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1991
Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1991
Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1991
I'M HO-OME! Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Sighhh... and good times are always over so fast.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1991
Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1991
Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1991
Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1991
Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There aren't any caves around here! You don't need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1991
Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1991
Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1991
Recess! A school day break for play and exercise. Little does Susie realize how much exercise she is about to get! She turns at the sound of running feet behind her... have her friends come to join her? NO! It's a pack of ferocious deinonychus dinosaurs!! Screaming, Susie hurls herself towards the school doors, but the pack is closing in! With the grim efficiency of wild dogs, th epredators have a meal! Across the playground students huddle in stupefied horror! Which one of THEM will be next? Thus the weak and stupid are weeded out in a heartless, but essential, natural selection, keeping the human population in check. ... At least, that's how it OUGHT to be. Thank you for that tasteless and entirely uninformative report on overpopulation. See me after class. Ya like that, Susie?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1991
What's for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1991
Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1991
Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1991
Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1991
Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1991
With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1991
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1991
"Add two eggs and stir". Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1991
Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1991
Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1991
I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? I've seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol' turtle? Ha!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1991
Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think you're a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1991
Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold, eh, Tarzan?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1991
The fearless Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at speeds never before imagined! He discovers galaxies and planets never before charted! He courageously lands on alien worlds never before explored... ...bravely confronting space species never before encountered! Yes, our hero, the incredible Spaceman Spiff, is a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown in a universe of wild adventure! EWW! I've never had this before! I won't eat it!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1991
I think I'm using too strong a sun screen.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1991
Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1991
You're on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin, be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. That's not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1991
With a drink of magic elixir, Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent, he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy, as soon as you want something done around here, that kid's nowhere to be seen.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1991
Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1991
Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1991
This is my latest snow sculpture. Where? All of this! But you didn't do anything. Right. Art is dead! There's nothing left to say. Style is exhausted and content is pointless. Art has no purpose. All that's left is commodity marketing. Consequently, I'm signing this landscape, and you can own it for a million dollars. Sorry... it doesn't match my furniture. The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1991
Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1991
Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1991
See any UFOs? Not yet. Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1991
Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1991
Calvin, I don't want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isn't quite the same, is it?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1991
Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin, drink your milk in little sips!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1991
Some November this is. The leaves are down but there's now snow. Everything is just sitting around waiting for winter, but nothing is happening. C'mon, what's the big holdup?! Let's go, up there! Bring on the snow! Sighh No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe. Whatever happend to the work ethic?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1991
Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1991
Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1991
If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1991
Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1991
Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1991
Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1991
... sighhhh... We've been out here half an hour and nobody's attacked our fort. We don't have enough enemies, that's our problem. We're just too darn popular. Yeah, everybody likes us because we're so great. It's true. And of course, I'm a genius, so people are naturally drawn to my fiery intellect. Their admiration overwhelms their envy. Actually, I believe jungle cats are held in higher esteem, whereas one can hardly take a kid out in public. Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occassion. Whaddaya MEAN kids can't go out in public?!? At least kids don't have FLEAS! That's only because fleas can't stand the way kids SMELL! By golly, you're asking for a snowball in the mouth! You can't threaten me! I've got snowballs too! PIFF PAFF PEFF POOF PUFF You know, maybe we don't NEED enemies. Yeah, best friends are all I can take.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1991
What are you doing? Being "cool." You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1991
Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be "cool." A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1991
I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1991
Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1991
Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1991
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1991
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1991
With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1991
Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1991
What's this music? It's "The 1812 Overture." I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1991
Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1991
Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1991
I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1991
Mm, this dinner you fixed is delicious, honey. What is it? It's dog food. And don't call me "honey". You can't feed me DOG food! I'm the President of the United States! No, you're the President of the Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break! You're just mad because you're the "First Husband" and you have to vacuum the White House all day! I DO NOT! In fact, I'm not your husband at all! What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo! Me WONGA-TAA, king of the jungle! Oh, nice underpants! You're really gross. Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals! I can run the country better without you! Good riddance, you moron! It take one to know one! Boy, am I glad to see YOU. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldn't believe the junk she can imagine. Nice underpants. What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1991
Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1991
Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1991
Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1991
I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1991
I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1991
The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1991
What an awful job! This is the worst! Well somebody's got to do it. HEADS UP! BLORRP! Eeww! What's THIS?! Ugh, who can tell? KEEP STIRRING!! Oh no! It's bubbling up! AIEE! Chemical reaction!! LOOK OUT! RUN! RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW! FOOM! BU-URRRPP!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1991
As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. What's this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1991
Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1991
Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1991
Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Why'd you hold it in? I'm trying to blow my shoes off.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1991
It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1991
I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1991
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1991
Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a "Get Well" card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin." Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1991
Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1991
Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1991
Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1991
What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1991
I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1991
KAZAM! KAZAM! Quiet. What did I just tell you?! Calvin, if you're bored, I'll find something for you to do! KAZAM!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1991
Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1991
Ta-daaa!!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1991
How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1991
It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1991
The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1991
Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs"! It says, "Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors." Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1991
I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good, it's EASY for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME, even if it's just to get presents, should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course, in your case, the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1991
Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1991
Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1991
We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1991
I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean "the basement"? Shhh!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1991
Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1991
Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1991
Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits. What's wrong with that? It's not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! That's why I'll be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what I hate about them and how they should change. Some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Sorry. MY New Year's resolution is not to change a bit.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1991
What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1991
Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1992
I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1992
I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1992
Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1992
Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1992
It's a new year... a new beginning! New possibilities! This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead, he strides forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of the human drive and ingenuity! Very inspiring. Thanks you. ... and over here is the REAL world? Right. This is why we're always glad when the old year is over.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1992
I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1992
Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1992
Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1992
This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1992
Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1992
How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1992
Glogga muck bluh Spiff! Spiff chug wunka! We join our hero, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he is pursued across the galaxy by hostile aliens! A bolt of Explode-o-Ray explodes behind him! The aliens are closing in! Spiff punches the accelerator and dives towards the mysterious world below! Blasting low over the planet's surface at near light speed, our hero is horrified to discover the aliens are still on his trail! Spiff has but one desperate chance! He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow! Zounds! The ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable! Don't call me that! And you are going to bed if I have to chase you all night!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1992
Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1992
Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1992
Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1992
Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1992
Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1992
Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1992
MOOOO MOOO MOOO WHOOSH KACHUNK CHUG CHUG SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK CLANG CLANG wizz wirp boingg boingg AWKK! Hello! Hello! GAAAA GGHHH BONK BONK GASP GASP. Boy, am I glad to see YOU, Hobbes! Another typical school day?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1992
Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1992
Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1992
Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1992
Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1992
Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1992
Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1992
I'm thirsty. AAAUGH. Sleepwalking! Nightmare! Homicidal psycho jungle cat! Hee hee hee! You should've seen the look on your face! If Mom and Dad cared about me at ALL, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1992
What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1992
I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1992
Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1992
Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1992
Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1992
Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1992
GAAAA. It is 0701 hours. You are late. Extra soap today, robot three. Mom out. Extra soap affirmative. Attention, kitchen. Calvin arriving in turbo chute 4. Clear receiving pad. I've got a moon meeting today. I'll be home for diner, if the shuttle isn't late. Have a good day. See you tonight. Calvin, you're going to be late for school! Put on your jacket! Why are you just standing there? Calvin? Calvin?? Honestly! Would you please try to stay in the PRESENT?! Sighhh...
Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1992
When a kid grows up, he has to BE something. He can't just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that? No room for improvement. Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans. Don't take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
Calvin tells Hobbes when a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't stay the way he is. He says a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. He asks Hobbes why. Hobbes says there's no room for improvement. As they walk off, Calvin says of all the luck, his parents had to be humans. Hobbes tells him not to take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1992
It's no surprise to ME that nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1992
I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience. Notice how I keep my jaw slack, so my mouth hands open. I try not to swallow either, so I drool, and I keep my eyes half-focused, so I don't use any muscles at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. I'm utterly inert. I'm going to leave before you start attracting flies. I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down.
Calvin tells Hobbes he tries to make television watching a complete forfeiture of experience. He keeps his jaw slack, tries not to swallow so he drools, and keeps his eyes half-focused. He takes passive entertainment and extends it to his entire being. He's utterly inert. Hobbes walks away and says he's going before Calvin starts attracting flies.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1992
No text
Calvin looks at the hillside. He starts building something in the snow. Later, Dad walks by and looks at the hillside. It appears a giant head is peeking over the hill down at him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1992
HELP HELP! MY HEAD SOMEHOW GOT TWISTED COMPLETELY AROUND! I'M FACING BACKWARD! LOOK I CAN READ THE TAG ON MY SHIRT! I CAN SEE DOWN MY OWN BACK! ... Oh wait. There's my belly button. I must have my SHIRT on backward. Never mind. I've got my head on straight after all. Oh, I wouldn't go THAT far.
Calvin shouts that his head has gotten twisted around. He's facing backward. He looks down at his shirt, whose tag he can read. He lifts his shirt and sees his belly button. He realizes he must have his shirt on backward. He tells Mom, who's reading the newspaper at the table, that he's got his head on straight after all. Mom says she wouldn't go that far.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1992
OH SURE! NICE TRY! Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!
Susie walks through the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1992
Today is Valentine's Day. SO WHAT?! WHO CARES?! NOW ME! Who's your valentine THIS year?? NOBODY! Is it SUSIE?? NO! I'll bet she IS! I'll be your heart beats faster at the sound of her name! Ahh, how you long to gaze deep into her shimmering eyes!! WHAT?! Your cheeks are flushed! Your chin quivers to imagine her soft, warm lips pressed against yours! Oh, to be locked for an eternity in a passionate embrace with sweet, sweet Susie! TAKE IT BACK! Can I be "Best Tiger"? TAKE IT BACK! Have you picked out a ring yet? TAKE IT BACK! Where's the honeymoon? Hey, Calvin! Huh?? You jerk! This is for sending me a Valentine card with a drawing of me as a worm-eaten corpse! Oh HO-O-O! You sent her a CARD?? Doctor Love, paging Doctor I.M.N. Love! I'd say were about due for another Saint Valentine's Day massacre.
A dinosaur poem. The great tyrannosaur lived many years ago, and he epitomized the concept of the killer carnivore. The monster came to town this morning. He lunged into the crowd, and people ran screaming. They tried to get away. People were trampled. Two boys dawdled by the candy shop and were devoured. A camera crew arrived to give a live report. They failed, because they did not live. The menace ate his fill and stomped away. Calvin walks behind Mom's chair, growling and snarling while walking like a dinosaur. The poem ends that no one knows where the next tyrannosaur will be found....except Calvin.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1992
Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework now? I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem. It is Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am. Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus? Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired".
Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1992
See, Hobbes, we shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. That's why I've stopped doing homework. I don't need to learn things to like myself. I'm fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough, don't you?
As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1992
Look, Dad made me do my homework. He said when I'm older, I'll discover that there are few pleasures greater than learning. So I said, FINE, I'll learn when I'm older. What did HE say? He said if I didn't start cracking books NOW, this would be as old as I'd get. Sounds like you learned something already.
Calvin complains Dad made him do his homework. Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said when Calvin gets older, he'll discover there are few pleasures greater than learning. Calvin told him he'll learn when he's older. Dad replied if he didn't study now, this would be as old as he'd get. Hobbes tells him it sounds like he learned something already.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1992
Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand ME and I don't understand THEM. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to.
Calvin tells Hobbes Mom and Dad drive him crazy. They don't understand each other. Calvin says he's related to people he doesn't relate to.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1992
Here we stand, peering down the dizzying depths of doom drop! Do we turn around and retreat to the stupefying security of home and hearth? OR do we brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of somatic sensation that screams we are alive, gloriously alive, however temporarily?? ... Hobbes? I thought the question was rhetorical. The other way, though!
At the top of the hill, toboggan ready to go, Calvin tells Hobbes they're peering down the dizzying depths of Doom Drop. Do they turn around and retreat to the security of hearth and home, or do they brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of sensation. Calvin turns around to find Hobbes gone. Later, at home in front of the fireplace, Hobbes is lying on the floor. He tells Calvin he thought the question was rhetorical. Calvin says it was, the other way.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1992
Here's the latest poll on your standing as "Dad". Wonderful. The good news is that you have a high name-recognition factor. All the household six-year-olds polled were able to identify you as "Dad". This recognition, however, is liked to the fact that your policies are universally deplored. There's talk of voting you out of office and making Mom "Dad". I see. And what do YOU know about this? My first act will be to make you do the cooking. Whoa! That changes everything.
Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1992
15 bucks a glass?! That's right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Where's the demand?! I don't see any demand! There's LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise, I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company, I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee, I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN there's overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well, I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? "Caveat Emptor" is the motto we stand behind! I'd have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. You're out of your mind. I'm going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! It's you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized.
Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1992
Dad's calling you. He wasn't? Huh! Well, Hobbes took your chair. Sorry. I like my chairs pre-warmed. You ow me.
Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1992
He knows I hate this.
Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1992
This is my snow sculpture, "Bourgeois Buffoon". Can you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these? Why do you need a grant? I'm on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support! What if the public doesn't like your work? They're not SUPPOSED to like it! This is avante-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this! But you'll take their money. What do you want me to do, suffer?!
Calvin shows Hobbes his snow sculpture "Bourgeois Buffoon". He says Mom rejected his grant application to continue making them. Hobbes asks why Calvin needs a grant. Calvin says he's on the cutting edge of art. His work deserves public support. Hobbes asks what happens if the public doesn't like his work. Calvin explains they're not supposed to like it . He's criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate his art. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin will take their money. Calvin asks if Hobbes expects him to suffer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 FEB 1992
This snowman doesn't look especially avant-garde. Actually, it's VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement, "neo-regionalism". I'm appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and I'll make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? It's secretly ironic.
Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 FEB 1992
I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 FEB 1992
I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! I'm not scared! You couldn't hit the side of a barn! C'mon, throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously, you could never have done that if my taunts hadn't boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks.
Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 FEB 1992
At 35,000 feet, the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings, the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile, a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks, dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence, both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earth's crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown, who, at this moment, is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match, he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Can't we play something else?
Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1992
I read that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are." That's good advice. Of course, I doubt he was in the tub when he said that.
In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are". Hobbes says that's good advice. Calvin doubts Teddy was in the tub when he said that.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1992
Shovel the walk! Shovel the walk! That's all I'm good for around here. What about my powerful intellect?! My budding genius is being squandered! I aspire to be more than brute slave labor! These hands! These amazing hands are destined to create unreamt-of wonders, yet here they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery! What a monstrous injustice! Geez, don't tell me lunch isn't ready!
Calvin complains that all he is good for is to shovel the walk. He protests about his powerful intellect. He says his budding genius is being squandered. He looks at his hands, saying they're destined to created wonders, yet they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery. As he walks inside, Mom is vacuuming the floor. Calvin looks at Mom and complains that she better not tell him lunch isn't ready.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1992
DING DONG You really need professional help. What makes you think I did it??
Susie is playing in her house, and the doorbell rings. She answers it, to find a snowman's head on her step. She goes over to Calvin's house and tells him he needs professional help. Calvin asks what makes her think he did it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1992
What's wrong with Easter Island? I LIKE Easter Island.
Dad looks at the row of giant snowman heads. Calvin asks what's wrong with Easter Island. He likes Easter Island.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1992
Hello, is this the hardware sotre? Yes, I'm wondering if you sell catapults. No?? Well, I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello? I don't understand how some of these places stay in business.
Calvin calls the hardware store, asking if they sell catapults. He says he's looking for something to deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. They hang up on him. As he walks off, he says he can't understand how some of these places stay in business.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 FEB 1992
I don't think you have enough to do.
Dad walks through the snow and sees a few miniature snowmen. As he walks, he sees more and more. He comes up to Calvin building a full-size snowman, with upraised stick arms, and an expression of a yell. Dad tells Calvin he doesn't think Calvin has enough to do.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1992
It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1992
It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Calvin cheers because he's finally defeated Hobbes in checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion. He says he's the top of the heap. He looks at the checker board. He looks around and asks if this is all there is.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAR 1992
If there are no questions, we'll move on to the next chapter. I have a question. Certainly, Calvin. What is it? What's the point of human existence? I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Oh. Frankly, I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.
Miss Wormwood says they'll move to the next chapter if there are no more questions. Calvin asks what is the point of human existence. Miss Wormwood explains she meant any questions about the subject at hand. Calvin looks at his book and says he'd like to have the issue resolved before he expends any more energy on this.
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04 MAR 1992
Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwww. EWWWWWW!
Calvin looks at some mud and says "Ewww". He pokes it with a stick and says "Ewwww". He picks it up with the stick and says it again. Finally, he walks through the mud, smile on his face, saying "Ewwwwwww".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1992
Where ARE those darn boots?
Calvin walks with muddy shoes to the closet. He goes up the stairs. He walks to another closet, still trailing muddy steps throughout the house. He asks where those darn boots are.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1992
Put on some nice clothes and let's go for a stroll!
Calvin digs up a hole. He fills the hole with a pail of water. He stirs up the mud with a stick. He goes to Susie's house, and tells her to put some nice clothes on and they'll go for a stroll.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAR 1992
It couldn't be avoided.
Calvin digs a hole with the shovel. He fills the hole with water from the hose. He jumps in. As he enters the house while covered in mud, he tells Mom it couldn't be avoided.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1992
Hi Mom! Ha ha! I'm up! I'm up! HEY! Get back in bed! I mean it, Calvin! It's too late for this nonsense! Wheeee! I'm gonna watch TV! Ha ha ha! Calvin, stop this! You go straight to bed! NO! You're in big trouble, young man! You'll never catch me! GOTCHA! WAAUGH! I don't WANNA go to bed! I wanna stay UP! Put me down! Let go! I'm not tired! AAAAAA! Mom has to EARN a night's respite from me.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he knows about love. Hobbes won't tell him. Calvin asks why he won't talk about it. Hobbes asks about the nice weather. Calvin is angry Hobbes won't tell him what he knows. Hobbes says maybe when Calvin is older. Calvin bets Hobbes doesn't know anything about love. That's why he won't tell him. Hobbes walks off suggesting Calvin should believe that if he wants. They fight, with Calvin demanding to know, and Hobbes refusing to tell. Calvin asks for a hint. Hobbes says "snoogy-woogy wips". Calvin is grossed out. Hobbes tells Calvin that he warned him he wasn't old enough.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAR 1992
rrRumRumm beep beep - rrrrrr rrummm - aughh! - I don't understand why you have to take your clothes off to play cars. It's very weird. Just give 'em here. Ok?
Calvin is playing with his toy truck and cars. Behind him, Hobbes pounces. Calvin is knocked out of his clothes. Mom brings Calvin his clothes, saying she doesn't understand why he has to take off his clothes to play cars. She says it's weird. Calvin, standing in his underwear with Hobbes next to him, tells Mom to just give him the clothes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1992
What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. What's the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey.
Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work.
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11 MAR 1992
The problem with rock'n'roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The "revolution" is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately I've found some protest music for TODAY's youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad! Easy-listening muzak? I play it real quiet, too.
Calvin says the problem with rock-and-roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. He says rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but the stars are zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks. The "revolution" is a capitalist industry. Calvin says he's found some protest music for today's youth. He says this stuff really offends Mom and Dad. Hobbes listens to the easy-listening Muzak. He covers his ears. Calvin says he plays it real quiet, too.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1992
I don't want to go to school! I'd rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK, how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
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13 MAR 1992
I don't want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million, overnight success! I want the world handed to me on a silver platter! Good luck. SURELY YOU CONCEDE I DESERVE IT!
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to pay any dues in life. He wants to be an overnight success, with the world handed to him on a silver platter. Hobbes rolls his eyes, walks off, and says "Good luck". Calvin yells after him that surely he concedes Calvin deserves it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1992
*snap* AUGH! Oops! Instinct kicked in before I knew that was you. YOU KNEW DARN WELL THAT WAS ME!
Calvin walks along and steps on a twig. It snaps. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Hobbes gets up saying instinct kicked in before he knew it was Calvin. Calvin, on the ground beneath Hobbes, yells that Hobbes knew darn well it was him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1992
...BLECCHH... ! EEP! YIKES! HELLP!! WAAUGH! UGHH URGLE GACKKH ORG PLUTCH SPLUTCH BLUTCH URRRPP THPPTHH. Uggh, how revolting. At least it worked. Let's dance! Darling! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THIS STUFF AREN'T YOU?! JUST ADMIT IT!! If you don't like it, don't eat it. But I'm not fixing you something different.
In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1992
I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes.
Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1992
Hey Dad, look at this commercial. How come you don't drive a cool sports car like that guy? That car costs $40,000. And look at the babe he's with. How come Mom doesn't dress like that? Yeah, why DON'T you dress like that? Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants, ... HONEY. Maybe you guys need to drink more beer.
Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1992
Mom, can I have some money to buy a satan-worshiping, suicide-advocating heavy metal album? Calvin, the fact that these abnds haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that they're just in it for the money like everyone else. It's all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted?! 'fraid not, kiddo. Childhood is so disillusioning.
Calvin asks Mom if he can buy a Satan-worshipping, suicide-advocating, heavy metal album. Mom explains that since the bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice proves they're in it for the money, just like everyone else. She says if someone wants to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Calvin asks if mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted. She says she's afraid not. Calvin says childhood is so disillusioning.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1992
People don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's! People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny! I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
Calvin tells Hobbes people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like him. He says it's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than anyone else. He complains people refuse to see he's the crux of all history, a boy of destiny. Hobbes says he supposes one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Calvin says that's another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1992
Mom, from now on, I don't want to be introduced to people as plain "Calvin". I want to be introduced as "Calvin, boy of destiny". Boy of destiny?? But you have to say it right. Pause a little after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Sai it, "Boy... of DESSSTINY", like that! I think I'm going to stop introducing you altogether. I wish you had some cymbals to crash after you said it.
Calvin tells Mom he'd like to be introduced not as plain "Calvin", but as "Calvin, boy of destiny". He explains she has to pause after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Mom says she thinks she's going to stop introducing him altogether. Calvin wishes she had some cymbals to crash after she said it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1992
Here's your paper, Susie. Very good. Here is yours, Calvin. By the way, you can stop signing your work "Calvin, boy of destiny", and I think your time would be better spend studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Boy of destiny?! That's right. Boy of destiny! Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house. YOUR destiny is to have a smile that's all gums.
Miss Wormwood hands back papers. She tells Calvin he can stop signing his work "Calvin, boy of destiny". She thinks his time would be better spent studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Susie asks about "boy of destiny". She says everyone she knows thinks Calvin's destiny is a private cage in the primate house. Calvin tells her that her destiny is to have a smile that is all gums.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1992
Wow! A dime! BONK! MMF OOF. He would just love me to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.
A paw, a back, whiskers. Hobbes is on the prowl. He sees Calvin. Calvin sees him, and starts to run. Hobbes tracks him down, leaps, and pounces on Calvin. They fight. Hobbes wakes up from his dream, gnawing on his pillow. He looks at the pillow, all torn to pieces. Calvin is looking at it in horror. Hobbes smiles, yawns, and goes back to sleep. Calvin pulls his covers up tight and looks at Hobbes with wide eyes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1992
SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house.
SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1992
Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says "Oh yeah". He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1992
Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class, Calvin. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin can tell her what Lewis and Clark did. Calvin says no, but he offers to recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Miss Wormwood tells him to see her after class. Calvin dejectedly says he's not dumb. He just has a command of thoroughly useless information.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1992
Did you even read the history chapter I assigned? I tried to, Miss Wormwood. But the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish. I think my excuses need to be less extemporaenous.
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he read the history chapter she assigned. Calvin says he tried, but the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. When he picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor. As he walks to the principal's office, Calvin says his excuses need to be less extemporaneous.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1992
County library? Reference desk, please? Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know, and I'll stop you when... hello? See if I ever vote for their tax levies.
Calvin calls the county library. He asks the reference desk for a word definition. He tells them he doesn't know how to spell it, and he's not allowed to say it. He suggests if they rattle off all the swear words they know, he'll stop them when he hears it. They hang up on him. He says they'll see if he ever votes for their tax levies.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1992
I don't need a bath! I can stay clean without one! Look, I'll LICK myself clean! That's what Hobbes does! See, I'm getting clean just like him! Nice going.
Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, "Nice going".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1992
That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1992
You have a question, Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what assurance he has that this education is preparing him for the 21st century. He asks if he's getting the skills to effectively compete in a global economy. He wants a high-paying job when he gets out of school. Miss Wormwood suggests he start working harder. She explains you get out of school what you put into it. Calvin says to forget it then.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1992
Whatcha doing? Dad wants to mow the lawn, so he's making me pick up sticks. He said I might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And did you? I suppose so. I think he's trying to tell me there is none.
Calvin is picking up sticks in the yard. Dad wants to mow the lawn. Dad told Calvin he might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Hobbes asks if he did. Calvin says he supposes so. He thinks Dad is trying to tell him there is none.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1992
My tiger is deep in somnolent sleep, dreaming of chases remembered! His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar who'll soon be dismembered! Hmmmmmmm
Hobbes lies on the ground dozing, while Calvin stands behind him. Calvin tells a short poem about his tiger being asleep, dreaming of a sprinting sambar who'll soon be dismembered. Calvin walks away, while Hobbes hums contentedly in his sleep.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1992
This article says that by age six, most children have watched 5,000 hours of TV - a quarter of their waking lives! I haven't watched that much! Think of all the great shows I've missed! I've been deprived of cultural references! I'm ignorant of countless amazing products! Hurry! If I watch TV until bedtime, I can get in a few precious extra hours and catch up a bit! Remedial vegetation. Help me learn this theme song, OK?
Calvin says an article he's reading says by age six, most children have watched 5000 hours of TV. Calvin says he hasn't watched that much. He complains about being deprived of cultural references and being ignorant of countless amazing products. He rushes off saying he can get in a few extra hours of TV watching before bedtime. As Calvin watches TV, Hobbes says it's remedial vegetation.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1992
I think our newspaper needs a new advice columnist, so I'm applying for the job. See, I've written some sample answers to people who write in. "Stop whining and get a life, bozo." "Don't tell ME your stupid problems. I've got plenty of my own." "Go soak your head, you big baby." "Want some advice? Drop dead." I guess that covers about everything. Can you imagine doing this for MONEY? What a racket!
Calvin applies for a job as a newspaper advice columnist. He shows Hobbes some sample answers to people who write in. Hobbes reads "Stop whining and get a life, Bozo". He reads three others that read much the same way. Hobbes tells him that covers about everything. Calvin asks if he can imagine doing that for money. He calls it a racket.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1992
Who ees thees Kahlveen?
Mom sees a broken vase. She sees bugs on the floor. She races upstairs to Calvin's bedroom. She angrily opens the door. Calvin, with fake nose and glasses asks "who ees thees Kahlveen".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1992
Oh man, there goes the game! What a dumb sport. I hate baseball. What's the use of trying? I haven't started around the ba-ases yet! Huh? La de da da! I'm walkinnnngg! Oh, look at the pretty flower! I think I'll stop and smell it! Uh oh! My shoes untied! Better have a seat and tie it! Now I'm hopping backwards! Look at me! I'm crawling! I'm a tiny little inchworm, moving an inch at a time! Inchy-squinchy! Inchy-squinchy! AAAIEEE Whoop! Too late! Home run! Stitches for Hobbes, bandages for you... how on earth do you DO this to yourself? Don't feel sorry for HIM! He -ow- DESERVED it!
Calvin gets out of bed and gets dressed. Suddenly, a wind starts blowing his clothes off, rolls him back into bed, and covers him up. Mom comes in complaining he hasn't gotten up. Calvin tries to explain.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1992
Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? I'm not sure man needs the help. You just can't talk to animals about these things.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in the devil, a being dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man. Hobbes tells him he isn't sure man needs the help. Calvin says you just can't talk to animals about these things.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1992
What's this? Try it. What's in here? Grubs?? Try it. That means I'm going to hate it, right? JUST TRY IT! She's mad because I broke her code.
At the dinner table, Calvin asks what the dinner is. Mom tells him to try it. He asks if grubs are in it. Mom tells him to try it. Calvin holds his nose and asks if that means he's going to hate it. Mom yells for him to try it. Calvin says she's mad because he broke her code.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1992
If I've learned one thing in life, it's that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough, and there's no such thing as scruples! People will do ANYthing if the price is right! What's YOUR price? Two bucks cold cash up front. I don't know which is worse... that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. I'd make mine higher, but it's hard to find buyers as it is.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's learned that everyone has his prices. If you raise the ante enough, there's no such thing as scruples. People will do anything if the price is right. Hobbes asks what his price is. Calvin tells him two bucks cash, up front. Hobbes doesn't know which is worse, that everyone has a price or that the price is always so low. Calvin offers that he'd make his price higher, but it's hard finding buyers as it is.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1992
Whatcha doin', Dad? I'm busy trying to fix something. Why bother? On the rare occasions when you know what the problem is, you usually make it worse and hurt yourself in the process! I wish I'd noticed the bandage on his hand before I said that.
Calvin asks Dad what he's doing. Dad tells him that he's fixing something (his bicycle). Calvin asks why he bothers. He says when Dad rarely knows what the problem is, then makes it worse and hurts himself in the process. Calvin runs as tools are thrown at him. Calvin says he wishes he'd noticed the bandage on Dad's hand before he said that.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1992
I'm going on a bike ride. What's so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look, I didn't design this outfit! It's PRACTICAL! Hey Dad, how'd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time, I'll squirt them both with my water bottle.
Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1992
Tigers have no ambition, no drive! They don't accomplish anything! How do you justify yourself?!
Hobbes lies on the floor, while Calvin says tigers have no ambition or drive. He asks Hobbes how he justifies himself. Hobbes keeps lying there. Calvin joins him, and they both lie down.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1992
No text
Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells "I'm home". Calvin laughs that she won't know what hit her. Susie turns around and thanks Calvin for the quarter. Calvin angrily heads for the door, wondering where Hobbes' killer instinct is. KAPOW! Hobbes grabs Calvin and sails off the steps. Calvin, lying on the ground, says never trust a tiger. Hobbes happily runs off saying he can always tell when it's Calvin by the bad smell.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1992
I've decided to believe in astrology and horoscopes. Really? You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today I'll have "many key policies implemented". I get to have my way! Oh those mischievous planets. The newspaper couldn't print it if it weren't true!
Calvin decides he'll believe in astrology and horoscopes. He says it only makes sense every facet of their daily lives should depend on the position of celestial bodies millions of miles away. Calvin points to the paper, which has a horoscope which reads "Many key policies implemented". He says he has to have his way. Hobbes can't believe those mischievous planets. Calvin says the newspaper couldn't print it if it wasn't true.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1992
My horoscope says, "Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented." Isn't that great? Today I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your "key policies"? First, obviously, is "Don't do homework." C'mon, let's go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner!
Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is "don't do homework". Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1992
Your Mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she? Hmph. Well, my horoscope said, "Many key policies will be implement." Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. C'mon moon, do your stuff!
Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1992
I thought I told you to take your bath. Sorry, Mom. You have no say in this. You're in for a big surprise, buster. Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! That's what my horosscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets, and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime! By golly, it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe! Fate just isn't what it used to be.
Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1992
I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Just the opposite, in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.
Calvin complains that not a single part of his horoscope came true. He wonders what went wrong. How could planets and stars be misread? What kind of science is this? Calvin wonders if tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1992
Did today's horoscope print a retraction of yesterday's prediction? No, there's just a new one for today. What's it say? Yours says, "Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends." Hmm, that's good. Wait, it goes on. "Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love." OH NO! I bet I know what the big dividends are! Woo woo woo!
Calvin asks if the horoscope has a retraction. Hobbes says no, there is just a new one for today. He reads it to Calvin. It mentions popularity rising and big dividends. Calvin figures that's good. Hobbes continues. It mentions emphasizing romance. The opposite sex finds him irresistible. Calvin is horrified. Hobbes suggests that he knows what the big dividends are.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1992
Whatcha doin'? Getting rich! Really? Yep. I'm writing a self-help book! There's a huge market for this stuff. First, you convince people there's something wrong with them. That's easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight, looks, social status, sex appeal, and so on. Next, you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that they're victims of larger forces. That's easy, because it's what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally, you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement, they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called "Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself." You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works, I won't be able to write a sequel.
Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1992
Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town.
Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1992
Maybe today's horoscope won't come true. I don't WANT a lucky day for love! "Opposite sex finds you irresistible." Hee hee hee! I don't believe in astrology any more! It's all phony! Yeah, that's right! Much smoochies! Mm-mm! Yow wow! Stop it! Yesterday's predictions didn't come true, so I'm sure today's won't either! I'm not worried! When's the wedding?? Should I wear my spats?? In a minute, you'll be wearing a BODY CAST! TRY it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss girls with a fat lip!
At the bus stop, Calvin says maybe today's horoscope won't come true. Hobbes teases him about the horoscope saying "opposite sex finds you irresistible". Calvin says he doesn't believe it astrology anymore. It's all phony. Hobbes keeps teasing Calvin. Calvin says yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so today's won't either. Hobbes asks when the wedding is. He asks if he should wear his spats. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes, saying Hobbes will be wearing a body cast. Hobbes says they'll see how Calvin kisses girls with a fat lip.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1992
Take it back! I'm never getting married! Never! Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake! That does it! I'm gonna knock you into next week! Wait! Wait! Susie's coming! What? She is? AUGH! She IS! I've got to discourage romance! You can't! Smoldering passion is your fate! Gosh, Calvin, the dirt covering your features is a big improvement. Oh no, it's true! I'm a love magnet!
They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1992
Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1992
So Susie didn't kiss you today? Nope! In fact, I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesn't sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! ... to a point, of course. The paper should print MOM's daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.
Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1992
I've been thinking about this astrology stuff. Everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you just have to wait till it happens. So really, the best preparation for the future is to take the present and ... WHOOP! AAUGHH! ... think about what you're doing? No, get yourself a good luck charm. Man, here comes ANOTHER bath!
Calvin says everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you have to wait until it happens. The best preparation is to take the present, and.... Calvin trips over a rock and falls into some mud. Hobbes finishes the sentence with ...think about what you're doing. Calvin gets up and tells Hobbes no, ...get yourself a good luck charm.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1992
HELP HELP ACK OFF MMF! UMF GAKK RRRGGH Grrrr YIPE! WAAAA! SCREEECH NNNG AAAAAAAAAAAA. Thanks for the helmet, Dad. Do they sell long-range offensive weapons? Looks like you've been building some character!
Calvin looks like a childishly drawn person with stick fingers. What has happened to Calvin? He is a crude black outline barely containing garish color. His eyes don't point the same direction. His nostrils look like a pig's. His hands are balls with sticks in them. His feet face out sideways. How can he stand up? His face shows no spark of intelligence. What can be done? He suddenly has a beard and horns. Then he's scribbled upon. Calvin yells that he hates drawing. He says it's a waste of time. Hobbes thought it was getting pretty good at the end.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1992
Hey Mom, can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey, celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? You're fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead.
Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1992
I think we need a new policy in this house. And what's that? From now on, whenever you tell me things, I don't want to hear any reasons, explanations, subtlety or context. I just want ten-second sound bites, OK? So much for THAT policy.
Calvin tells Dad they need a new policy in the house. Whenever Dad tells him things, Calvin doesn't want any explanations. He only wants ten second sound bites. Calvin walks off, covering his ears. He says "So much for that policy".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1992
For school, we're supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. "Dad: the paragraph". Catchy title, huh? "What does my Dad do? Mostly, he gets on my nerves. The end." You may get a point for succinctness. Well, what else is there to say?!
Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. "Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end". Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1992
Bad news, Dad. The character issue is killing you in the polls. WHAT character issue?! I've got GREAT character! I've got character up to here! That's what we hate. My only flaw is a preternatural intolerence of pesky kids.
Calvin's poll says the character issue is killing Dad. Dad says he's got great character. Calvin says that's what he they hate. Dad says his only flaw is a preternatural intolerance of pesky kids.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1992
Paul Gauguin asked, "Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks "whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?" He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1992
Look at THIS, Dad! I've got five dollars in here! I'm rich! I've been saving my change for weeks and weeks, and look how much I've got! Guess what I'm going to do with it! Open a savings account? I'll bet I know why you guys don't get invited to parties. Every time you make a deposit, you can think, "Oh boy, another two minutes at college."
Calvin shows Dad five dollars in his jar. He says he's rich. Calvin says he's been saving for weeks. Dad asks if he's going to open a savings account. Calvin looks at the money. He tells Dad he knows why he and Mom don't get invited to parties. Dad says every time he makes a deposit, he can think "another two minutes at college".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1992
I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1992
My gum has lost its flavor. When that happens, I don't spit it out. I just add a new piece. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock! My jaws ache and I can't close my lips, so I wheeze through my open mouth and drool! An orifice is an amusing thing, all right. Ith funny how you neffa thee gwown-upth do thith.
Calvin tells Hobbes his gum has lost its flavor. He adds another piece instead of spitting the old one out. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock. Hobbes is disgusted. He says an orifice is an amusing thing, all right.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1992
Oh boy, the new issue of "Chewing"! You get a magazine? Wow, this looks great! "Special sugarless gum issue - hcoosing an artificial sweetener that's right for YOU... Tongue exercises for bigger bubbles... Rad fashion kneepads for walking and chewing... PLUS an interview with Bazooka Joe!" See, it's all target marketing! Advertisers don't waste their time on mass audiences any more. They find your special interest and they nail you! As if advertising wasn't intrusive enough before. Ooh, the '92 spearmints are out! I gotta get to a store!
Calvin gets the new issue of Chewing magazine. He reads the cover to find the different stories. Tongue exercises, fashion kneepads, and an interview with Bazooka Joe. Calvin explains to Hobbes it's all target marketing. They find your special interest and nail you. Hobbes comments that advertising was intrusive enough before. Calvin sees the '92 Spearmints are out. He has to get to a store.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1992
I can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Heck, there must be a DOZEN such magazines. Each appeals to a different faction. "Chewing" is high-gloss, literate and sophisticated. "Gum Action" goes for the gonzo chewers. "Chewers Illustrated" aims at the vintage gum collectors, and so on! Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique, so advertisers can appeal to your ego and get you to cultivate an image that sets you apart from the crowd. It's the divide and conquer trick. I wonder whatever happened to the melting pot. There's no money in it.
Hobbes can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Calvin explains there are many such magazines. Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the melting pot. Calvin says there's no money in it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1992
Here's an interesting article. The top five gum brands are compared in terms of flavor retention, elasticity, bubble capacity and chewing rebound. The computer graph shows the results, compensating for various saliva acidities. If you know your pH, this really helps you choose the proper gum for your chewing style. What kind of nut would CARE about all this?! EVERYONE! This is hard data! It lets you quantify your enjoyment! I thought fun was supposed be FUN. Well I prefer to trust the experts.
Calvin reads an article comparing the top five gum brands. He shows Hobbes graphs so that you can choose the proper gum for your chewing style. Hobbes asks what kind of nut would care about this. Calvin tells him everyone. You can quantify your enjoyment. Hobbes thought fun was supposed to be fun. Calvin prefers to trust the experts.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1992
Here's an ad for a new gum called "Hyperbubble", and it says, "If you're not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing cud." Ooh, great copy! Gosh, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I'm NOT! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you BECOME cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everyone ASSUMES you're cool, is it doesn't matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead. I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine!
Calvin reads an ad for a new gum. He wonders if he's cool enough to chew it. He wonders if chewing it would make him cool. Calvin asks Hobbes if he should buy some. Hobbes tells him to do it if his emotional security depends on satisfying a need Calvin didn't have before reading the ad.
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09 MAY 1992
YAHHH! RRGGHH munch munch munch. You're right. Food DOES taste better this way.
Calvin peeks around a corner to see a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He leaps on it, puts the box in his mouth, shakes the box, then eats the cereal. He tells Hobbes that he was right, food does taste better that way.
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10 MAY 1992
The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our hero's bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder, our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open, death ray blaster blansting! "I'll give you something to talk about!" he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space, Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet, THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight, I see.
Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room.
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11 MAY 1992
As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1992
Outta my way, Twinky. A person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! I've got to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1992
RINGG RINNG. Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now... ...so please leave a message at the sound of the click. *CLICK*
Calvin answers the phone by saying they can't come to the phone. He says to leave a message at the click. He hangs up the phone. CLICK!
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14 MAY 1992
Most people just muddle through their lives! They're passive and unmotivated! They lack ambition and drive! Not ME, though! I'm going to have an EPIC life! I'm going to wrestle the issue of the age and change the course of history! How are you going to do that? I'm going to sit here and wait, so opportunity will know where to find me when it's time to change the world. I wish I'd brought a book to read. Naah, it'll be any minute now.
Calvin tells Hobbes most people muddle through their lives. He says he's going to have an epic life. He's going to wrestle the issues of the age and change history. Hobbes asks how he'll do that. Calvin explains he's going to sit and wait, so opportunity knows where to find him when it's time to change the world. Lying against the tree, Hobbes wishes he'd brought a book to read. Calvin says it will be any minute now.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1992
OUT! DARN!
Calvin hits the ball into the air. He grabs his glove, catches the ball, and calls "OUT!" Calvin picks up the bat and yells "DARN!"
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16 MAY 1992
Our country was founded a very long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. 200 B.C.?! "Before Calvin." THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT!
Calvin reads a report in front of the class. He says the country was founded around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood asks what he means. "Before Calvin" is the reply. Calvin is sitting in the corner, on a stool, dunce cap on his head. He says that's what's important.
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17 MAY 1992
Calvin, I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! I'm not touching it!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this.
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18 MAY 1992
When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
In the wagon, Calvin says he isn't going to read the newspaper, follow complex issues, or vote. That way, he can complain the government doesn't represent him. When everything fails, he can say the system doesn't work and justify a further lack of participating. Hobbes calls it an ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin says it's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
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19 MAY 1992
Aw gee, did the darn ol' sun move some MORE?? Oh hush.
Hobbes wakes up, stretches, and walks over to the window. He lies down again. Calvin asks if the darn old sun moved some more. Hobbes tells him to hush.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1992
This is the worst assignment ever! I'm supposed to think up a story, write it, and illustrate it by tomorrow! Do I look like a novelist?! This is impossible! I can't tell stories! What about your explanation of the noodle incident? THAT WASN'T A STORY! THAT WAS THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH! Oh, don't be so modest. You deserved a Pulitzer.
Calvin complains about his assignment to think up a story, write and illustrate it. He says he's not a novelist. He can't tell stories. Hobbes suggests he explains the noodle incident. Calvin yells that wasn't a story, it was the unvarnished truth. Hobbes says he's modest. He says Calvin deserved a Pulitzer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1992
Do you have an idea for your story yet? No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
Calvin plays in his sandbox. Hobbes asks if he has a story idea yet. Calvin says he's has to be in the right mood. Hobbes asks what mood that is. Calvin says "last-minute panic".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1992
If you ask ME, these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines, rules how to do it, grades... how can you be creating when someone's breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office. Well, maybe not THAT much fun.
Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1992
Say, I'VE got an idea! For your story? No, I thought of a way I won't have to write one! Oh no. Hop in the time machine, Hobbes! We're going a few hours into the future! I'll have finished my story by then, so we'll just pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I won't have to write it! Something doesn't make sense here, and I think it's me sitting in this box. Relax! We'll be back as soon as we go.
Calvin has an idea. Hobbes asks if it's for his story. He says it's a way he won't have to write one. He pulls out his time machine from the closet. Calvin says he'll go into the future a few hours. The story will be done by then, so he'll pick it up and bring it back to the present. Hobbes says something doesn't make sense, and he thinks it's him sitting in the box.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1992
Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. There's nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents don't mind bad springs.
The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1992
Vortex goggles on? Here we go! We'll jump ahead to my bedtime and pick up my completed homework from my own future! Then we'll return to the present and we can goof off the rest of the evening! Here we are! You must be the 8:30 Calvin. Did you have a good trip? No. Pst! Why do you always go on these things?
Calvin and Hobbes time travel to the future. They meet the 8:30 Calvin. The 8:30 Hobbes asks the 6:30 Hobbes why he always goes on these things.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1992
Greetings, 8:30 Calvin and Hobbes! I'm 6:30 Calvin and this is 6:30 Hobbes! Charmed. Well, since we're YOU from the past, I suppose you know why we're here. Did you do the homework? Me?? No. NO?! Why not?? Because two hours ago, I went to the future to get it. Yeah, and here I am! Where is it?! That's what I said two hours ago! I knew this would never work. Right as always, Hobbes.
The 6:30 Calvin asks if the homework is done. It's not. The 6:30 Calvin asks why not. The 8:30 Calvin says that two hours ago, he went to the future to get it. The Hobbes' knew this would never work.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1992
Do you mean to say it's time for bed and you still haven't written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didn't write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now, because it's 8:30 and I'm supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past, that would mean I should've written it! Well, why didn't you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadn't screwed up my past, your future wouldn't be like this.
The 6:30 Calvin clarifies that it's time for bed, and the story isn't written. The 8:30 Calvin thought the story was done. The early Calvin asks how it could be done if he didn't write it. The future Calvin says it had to be done before now, because he's supposed to be in bed. The early Calvin says that means he should have written it. The future Calvin asks why he didn't. The early Calvin says he came to the future to pick it up. The future Calvin says that if the earlier Calvin hadn't screwed up his past, the earlier Calvin's future wouldn't be like this.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1992
Hold it. Let's figure this out. I'M you at 6:30 and YOU'RE me at 8:30. Neither of us did the homework. Right. That means the homework SHOULD'VE been done between my time and your time. Right. We needed to do it at 7:30. But the 7:30 Calvin clearly didn't do it, or you'd have it by now at 8:30. Yeah! This is HIS fault! That lazy little punk! He'll get us BOTH in trouble! Let's go get him!
The two Calvins discuss things. They decide the homework should have been done between their two times. They decide it should have been done at 7:30. They decide the 7:30 Calvin is a lazy little punk. They decide to go get him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1992
Hobbeses, the 8:30 Calvin and I are going to go back to 7:30 and make THAT Calvin do the homework. We'll wait here. All this time travel makes us queasy. We'll be right back. Off we go! This HAS to be the least efficient way to write a paper. All this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
The two Calvins go back to make the 7:30 Calvin do the homework. The two Hobbes' talk. One says this has to be the least efficient way to write a paper. The other says all this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1992
Ah ha! Here we are, right at 7:30! Yikes! My past and my future! Put down that comic book and do our homework! Yeah! Get to work, you loafer! Hey! Why should I do all the work? Either of you could do it too! But I didn't at 6:30 and now it's 7:30. And at 8:30 it will be too late. You're the last chance. Now are you gonna start writing or do we have to pound you? Go ahead and hit me! My FUTURE self will be the one who hurts! HEY!
The two Calvins catch the 7:30 Calvin reading a comic book. The 7:30 Calvin asks why he should do all the work. The others could do it, too. The 6:30 Calvin asks if the 7:30 Calvin will start writing or does he have to pound him. The 7:30 Calvin tells him to go ahead. It will be the future Calvin who hurts. The 8:30 Calvin isn't so sure about this.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1992
I don't think so. Definitely not. Mm... nahh... That's a little better. Eww. Yeah, perfect! What now, Calvin? No, absolutely not. Put those back. Mom says no way. Grown-ups have no taste.
Calvin is falling asleep at his desk. A bell rings. He opens his desk and pulls out a phone. That's not making the sound. He pulls out an alarm clock from the desk. That's it! Calvin looks up. He's really in bed with his alarm ringing. He sleepily gets out of bed. Later, he's falling asleep at his desk.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1992
You know, Hobbes, if the 7:30 Calvin is at all like the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins, I'll bet he isn't going to write that story. You're right, Hobbes. Why don't WE write a story while we're waiting for them? Yeah! Calvin could use it for his class then. I'll write it down and you can illustrate it! OK, now what should our story be about? Calvin's not here. Let's write about HIM! Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo! Drawing Calvin is easy! You just make a big mouth and add some hair!
The Hobbes' figure none of the Calvins will write the story. They decide to write it. They choose to write about Calvin. One of the Hobbes' says it's easy to draw Calvin. You just make a big mouth and add some hair.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1992
Look, guys, you can't gang up on ME! Oh yeah? Why not? Because we're all the same Calvin! In one hour, the 6:30 Calvin will be ME, and in another hour, we'll BOTH be the 8:30 Calvin. That means you guys will suffer whatever you do to me. Oh yeah. Oops. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? His? His!
The 7:30 Calvin says the others can't gang up on him because they're all the same Calvin. The 6:30 Calvin asks whose dumb idea this was. They all point to each other.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1992
We're back, but we didn't get the homework. Now it's 8:30 again and we're doomed. Here you go! Hobbes and I wrote a story for you while you were gone! You DID?? Ha ha! We're all done! We can go back to 6:30 now! Thanks, Hobbeses! You guys are life savers! Calvin? It's Mom! Hurry! Hobbes, get in! We'll be you in a couple hours! So long! Aren't you in bed yet? Don't come in! I'm... uh... changing into my PJs!
The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1992
Did you write your story for class tomorrow? Sort of. What do you mean, "sort of"? Well, Hobbes helped and I had to do a lot of time traveling. Is your story written or not? Oh, it's written. I just haven't read it.
Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1992
All right, Calvin, go ahead. What's YOUR story about? I don't know yet, but I'm sure it's good! My story is entitled, "How Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saved the day... ...no thanks to Calvin, the time-traveling chowderhead." WHAT?! Is there a problem? There WILL be for a certain stripey furball when I get home.
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to read his story. Calvin reads that Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saves the day. He reads that Calvin is a time traveling chowderhead. Miss Wormwood asks if there's a problem. Calvin says there will be for a stripey furball when he gets home.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1992
OK, YOU! Me?? This story you wrote is about ME trying to get OUT of writing the STORY! You made my time traveling sound like LUNACY! And the illustration You drew the THREE of me fighting! I was the laughing-stock of the whole class! What grade did it get? Um... A+. She wrote, "Very creative. The 'tiger' narration was a clever touch. I'm glad you're finally applying yourself." ... BUT EVEN SO...!! A+? Maybe I should send this to the New Yorker.
At home, Calvin complains to Hobbes about the story saying Calvin tried to get out of writing the story by time traveling. Calvin complains the drawing was of three of him fighting. He says he was a laughingstock. Hobbes asks what grade he got. Calvin says it was an "A+". Miss Wormwood wrote the "tiger" narration was a clever touch and is glad he's finally applying himself. Hobbes thinks he should send it to the New Yorker.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1992
A solitary zokk circles high in the sweltering skies of a desert planet. Below, a thin plume of smoke rises from the wreckage of a small, red spacecraft. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, crawls across the sun-baked land! He... he must find shelter! Wait! Something is approaching! Is it a mirage? Goodness, put on some sun screen and wear a hat if you're going to be out here. Honestly, show a little common sense. And don't give me that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship and sets off to find a more temperate planet with fewer aliens.
Calvin, the commercial pilot, decides to see the Grand Canyon...up close. The jet flies into the canyon. Tourists on the rim wave at Calvin's screaming passengers. After pulling out, Calvin says everyone will be glad later that Calvin took the scenic detour. In the car's back seat, Calvin says if he was driving that's where they would go. Mom says Calvin's not driving, and Arizona is not on the way to the grocery store.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1992
Baseball is an intelligent sport. There's more to it than brute force. It may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Especially the way WE play! Right! Now, the first person to discover twelfth base gets a ghost point and one free "Get out of jail"...
Calvin says baseball is an intelligent sport. He says it may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Hobbes says "especially the way we play". Calvin says the first person to discover 12th base gets a ghost point and one free "get out of jail" pass.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1992
You'll be proud to know I'm going to donate all the snot I sneeze to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Oh stop being disgusting, Calvin! Nobody needs THAT donated! What an idea! Oh. I have a jar for you to wash.
At the dinner table, Calvin tells Mom he's donating all the snot he sneezes to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Mom says nobody needs that donated. Calvin keeps eating. He tells her he has a jar for her to wash.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1992
Dad, where do babies come from? Is it true a stork leaves them swaddled in a bundle on the front step? In most cases, yes, but YOU were unceremoniously dumped down the chimney by a big, hairy pterodactyl. COOL! Explains a lot, doesn't it?
Calvin asks Dad if babies come from a stork leaving them swaddled on the front step. Dad says that's true in most cases, but that Calvin was dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a hairy pterodactyl. Calvin thinks that's cool. Dad says that explains a lot.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1992
All? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrorry? Yah! I em beeg eemportant rezearcher oond I require eenglish voolgar zynonyms for disgustink body vunktions, yah? Allo? Allo? No luck? Those librarians are a sharp bunch.
Calvin calls the library with a disguised voice. He is looking for vulgar synonyms for body functions. They hang up on him. Calvin tells Hobbes librarians are a sharp bunch.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1992
This town just ain't big enough few the both of us! Yep, I reckon we'll have to annex part o' the county! Mom won't let us play with guns. I get to be the zoning board!
Calvin and Hobbes have on cowboy hats. Calvin says the town isn't big enough for the two of them. Hobbes says they'll have to annex part of the county. As they look at a map, Calvin says Mom won't let them play with guns. Hobbes wants to be the zoning board.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1992
BUH-URRRRRRRRRRP! Good HEAVENS, Calvin! What do you say after that?! Great diaphragm control, huh? She'll be sorry when I'm a famous soloist for the orchestra. Maybe she thinks your pitch is off.
Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1992
CALLLVINN! Mom's calling, start the stopwatch. Shouldn't you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesn't see us, so she can't prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK, that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. It's time for bed. It's getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! IT'S NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! IT'S NOT REAL DARK! IT'S DARK ENOUGH. LET'S GO. Rats, she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THAT'S ALL I WANT! NO, COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES, OK? NOW, CALVIN! Darn, she's catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. We'll go for the fake agreement. OK, I'M COMING! Now we can stay out a little longer before she realizes I lied. How's the time? We've dragged this out 53 seconds so far. Good, let's go for the record! Oops, I lost my shoe! Every minute outside and awake is a GOOD minute.
Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1992
This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life! Yeah, well go soak your head! HEY, THAT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR!
Calvin sits at a box offering great ideas for one dollar. Susie comes up and says that's the dumbest thing she's seen. Calvin tells her to go soak her head. She walks off, and Calvin yells after her that she owes him a dollar.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1992
How do I know your ideas are great? It says so on my sign. Want one? I don't have a dollar. No problem! You can put 50 cents down and pay 100% interest in dime installments over the next 10 days! People just don't know a reat idea when they hear one.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he knows his ideas are great. Calvin tells him because it says so on the sign and offers one. Hobbes doesn't have a dollar. Calvin offers to take 50 cents down and charge 100% interest in dime installments over the next ten days. Hobbes leaves. Calvin complains people don't know a great idea when they hear one.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1992
I'm having an inventory reduction sale! Great ideas are now just a quarter! OK, here. What's your great idea? Buy some more! I'm getting another great idea right now. Me too. See ya.
Calvin offers Mom a great idea for a quarter. He's having an inventory reduction sale. Mom gives him a quarter and asks for the great idea. Calvin tells her to buy some more. Mom says she's getting a great idea. Calvin takes off.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1992
Ahh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The seocnd bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my FIRST bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls... ...and by the end of my THIRD bowl, I usually feel sick. Maybe you shouldn't use chocolate milk. I tried cola, but the bubbles went up my nose.
Calvin is eating his second bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He says the pleasure of the first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the third bowl he feels sick. Hobbes says maybe he shouldn't use chocolate milk. Calvin says he tried cola, but the bubbles went up his nose.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1992
You call this NEWS?! THIS isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for.
Calvin complains the television isn't informing him. He says it's a sound bite, entertainment, sensationalism. He sits down to watch it, saying that's all he has patience for.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1992
Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, "Do nothing." So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it!
Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1992
A bee nest! I hate bees! WHAP ZZZZZZZ AIEE! AAAAAAAAA YOWW! I don't see the "harpoon" that "gored" you, but this will help the sting. Call the national guard. I'm sure they can track the bee on radar.
Calvin wonders how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but couldn't name it better than "the big bang". Hobbes asks what Calvin would call it. Calvin says "the horrendous space kablooie". Hobbes thinks that is better. He suggests they lobby to change it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1992
Mom got me some clay! Want to help me make something? Do we get smocks? I want a smock! This kind of clay isn't that messy. You don't need a smock. I WANT A SMOCK! Ok, ok, you can have a smock! Let's get a marker and write "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." I guess it wouldn't show if dad wore his suit coat.
Calvin has some clay. He asks Hobbes if he wants to help him. Hobbes wants a smock. Calvin tells him the clay isn't messy. Hobbes yells that he wants a smock. Calvin gets a shirt for Hobbes. Hobbes wants to write on the smock. "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock". Calvin guesses it wouldn't show if Dad wore his suit coat.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1992
I like my smock. Good. ...OK, I'll divide up the clay. Here's yours. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Uh huh... you have to work this stuff a bit to get it soft. Actually, I just like to SAY smock. See, just knead it like so, and then it can be modeled. Smock smock smock smock smock smock! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Hobbes likes his smock. Calvin divides the clay. Hobbes says you can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Calvin tells Hobbes to knead the clay so it can be modeled. Hobbes decides he likes to say smock, so he does...over and over. Calvin wonders what's wrong with Hobbes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1992
Fine art is dead, Hobbes. Nobody understands it. Nobody likes it. Nobody sees it. It's irrelevant in today's culture. If you want to influence people, POPULAR art is the way to go. Mass market commercial art is the future. Besides, it's the only way to make serious money and that's what's important about being an artist. So what kind of sculpture are you making? Please! It's not a "sculpture". It's "collectible figurines".
Calvin says art is dead. He says popular art is the way to influence people. He says that's the only way to make serious money, and that's what's important about being an artist. Hobbes asks what kind of sculpture he's making. Calvin corrects Hobbes by saying it's not "sculpture", but rather "collectible figurines".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1992
See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1992
There, I made a tiger. THAT'S no good! Who's going to buy something like that?! It's subtle! It's boring! It's incomprehensible! How will this ever appeal to the lowest common denominator?! It's completely unadaptable to merchendising tie-ins! Who cares? I just wanted to make it. WHAT?! IS THIS SOME SNOBBY, ELITIST, AESTETIC THING?!?
Hobbes makes a tiger. Calvin says no one will buy it. He says it's boring. Hobbes says he just wanted to make it. Calvin wonders if this is some snobby, elitist, aesthetic thing.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1992
Look at the dopey clay tiger Hobbes made. Gee Calvin, I think this is good. You LIKE it?? Where's the marketabiity? Ask Hobbes if we can put it on the coffee table. But look what I made! A hundred shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters! Eww, you stitched their mouths shut?! Gloat now, 'cause some day I'll be a lot richer than you. I call it "Symphony in Orange, No. 1".
Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1992
Summer days are supposed to be longer, but they sure seem short to me. I'll say. We didn't get to do half our itinerary.
Calvin, the ant, is sick of working all the time. He doesn't want to labor for the colony. He has his own needs and desires. He wants some other sap to do the queen's bidding. Mom walks by with a full laundry basket. She asks why she and Dad should feed and shelter Calvin if he won't help around the house. Calvin, the flea, sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1992
Suse, stay right there! I want to show you something. It's a surprise, so close your eyes. I'll be right back. Don't move. Oh, cover your nose so you don't smell anything, OK? That's real important. And all your clothes are washable, right? Doggone it, nobody's going to be her friend if she won't TRUST anyone.
Calvin asks Susie to stay where she is. He has a surprise. He wants her to close her eyes and cover her nose. He asks if her clothes are washable. Susie leaves. Calvin comes back with a mask on, carrying a pail. He says nobody's going to be her friend if she won't trust anyone.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1992
If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. How so? Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people.
Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1992
Mom, I have a question. Sure, Honey. Why would it be worth four dollars a minute to talk on the telephone to goofy ladies who wear their underwear on TV commercials? When were you watching that?! Um... It was on... uh... during my morning cartoons. Somehow, whenever I ask a question, I end up with lots of them to answer.
Calvin asks Mom why it would be worth four dollars a minute to talk to ladies wearing their underwear on commercials. Mom asks when he was watching that. Calvin replies during morning cartoons. Calvin walks off lamenting that whenever he asks a question, he ends up with a lot of them to answer.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1992
Let's not play this any more, hmm? It's not MY fault you make a very big frog!
Calvin hops over Hobbes. He lands on his back, then climbs over Hobbes' head. Hobbes grabs Calvin and says they shouldn't play that anymore. Calvin says it's not his fault Hobbes makes a very big frog.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1992
What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL!
Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1992
Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! I wish I had more enemies. I'm sure you will someday, honey.
Calvin fills a water balloon. He hides behind a tree, chuckling. Night falls. As Mom puts him in bed, Calvin says he wishes he had more enemies. Mom tells him he will someday.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1992
I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. That's the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you can't control. You can't go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example, I'd like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end.
A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1992
Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
Calvin looks at a cloud. The cloud turns into him, sticking his tongue out. The cloud drifts off, and Calvin says there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1992
I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head, huge and white, floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously it's a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds, I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know, some sort of cumulonimbal thing.
Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a cloud that looked like him. Calvin says it was a sign. Hobbes asks what it was a sign of. Calvin replies a peculiar high altitude wind. Hobbes says science takes the fun out of the portent business.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1992
Hi Dad, it's me, Calvin. I just called to let you know it's a perfect day outside. Too bad you're trapped in a boring office while I'm running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1992
People are so self-centered. The world would be a better place if people would stop thinking about themselves and focus on others for a change. Gee, I wonder who that might apply to. Me! Everyone should focus more on ME!
Calvin tells Hobbes people are self-centered. Calvin says the world would be a better place if people stopped thinking about themselves and focused on others. Hobbes rolls his eyes and asks who that might apply to. Calvin says himself. Everyone should focus more on him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1992
Here I am, all set to write my autobiography, and I'm stuck! What's the problem? I can't remember the first half of my life! Maybe your Mom knows what you did. I asked her. She said I did revolting things that are probably unpublishable. Well no wonder you suppressed the memories. Maybe I was in jail!
Calvin is stuck while trying to write his autobiography. He tells Hobbes he can't remember the first half of his life. Hobbes suggests Mom might know what Calvin did. Calvin says he asked her. She said he did revolting things that were probably unpublishable. Hobbes understands why Calvin suppressed the memories. Calvin wonders if he was in jail.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1992
The problem with tigers is they have no setting between "Off" and "High".
Calvin walks past Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Calvin continues, then Hobbes leaps on Calvin. As Hobbes runs off, Calvin says tigers have no setting between "off" and "high".
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1992
I read another article whining about how much violence is on television. So I've seen a few thousand homicides in my day! What's the big deal?! It's my RIGHT to watch violence on TV! It's people like me who make these programs profitable! I say the consumer is always right, and if the advertisers want me to watch TV, the shows had better pander to my tastes! ... and frankly, I like to watch shoot outs, car wrecks, fist fights, and grisly muders! I like to be ENTERTAINED! Don't you worry that all this violence is desensitizing? Nahh. I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me.
Calvin climbs the slide ladder. He sees himself high above town, then above the clouds. The sees himself sliding down back toward earth. Calvin sits on top the slide at home. Calvin doesn't think he's going to do it, despite Dad standing there coaxing him.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1992
I let my mind wander a bit and it didn't come back. I figured you'd lost your mind years ago.
Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1992
Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don't get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww, gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you, Hobbes, it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs fly in such crazy loops, he wonders why they don't get dizzy and barf. Hobbes suggests maybe they do. Calvin thinks that's gross, but wonders why they'd keep flying that way. Hobbes suggests maybe they like to barf, and he starts to laugh. Calvin is grossed out, but he laughs. As they walk off, Calvin says it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1992
What if we die and it turns out our God is a big CHICKEN?? What then?! Just eat your dinner, OK? ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT!
Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1992
One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense. For example, I'm about to stick my nose in a jar of mustard and inhale deeply! Let's see what it's like. WHOOP!! See, whed you are oder, you dake your sinuses fo granded. Some of us prefer to.
Calvin opens the refrigerator and tells Hobbes that one of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and more intense. He decides to stick his nose in a mustard jar and inhale deeply. His eyes flare open and he flies up into the air. Calvin says when you're older, you take your sinuses for granted. Hobbes walks off saying some of us prefer to.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1992
How's your book? I can't put it down. Gripping? You said it. Maybe you should wash your hands. It's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
Calvin is reading a book under a tree. Hobbes asks how it is. Hobbes asks if it's gripping. Calvin says it is. Hobbes suggests Calvin wash his hands. Calvin pulls his hand from the book and says it's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1992
Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there yet remain some villany thou hast not committed? Thou dost wrong me! Faith, I know not where I wander. Methings the most capricious zephyr hath more design than I. Bot lo: do not detain me. For I am resolv'd to quit this place forthwith. Ay, but hear you this, I'll soon know thy business, get thee gone, wastrel! By my troth, I am off. Holy schlaMOLY, isn't there a cop show on where they talk like real people? Shhh.
Speaking like Shakespearean characters, Mom asks "whither goest thou, young rogue". Calvin replies "thou dost wrong me". He says he is "resolv'd to quit this place forthwith". He leaves the house, and Mom says she'll "soon know thy business". Calvin replies "by my troth, I am off". Watching television, Calvin asks Mom if there isn't a cop show where they talk like real people.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1992
... SIGHHH... Three plus two... Calvin?
Calvin runs up and hits a golf ball with a golf club. He stops as the ball flies back over his head. He and Hobbes are chasing the ball. Calvin tackles Hobbes, then fights with him. Calvin escapes, but Hobbes pounces on him before he can hit the golf ball again. They fight, and Hobbes escapes to hit the ball. Hobbes holds Calvin away with his foot as he hits the ball again. Calvin says if you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1992
The best thing about Captain Steroid comic books is that every issue is number one. Every issue?? Sure! That way they're ALL collector items! These will be worth billions of dollars some day! Of course, they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags, but it's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Gosh, and I keep buying bonds. Look at the great committee that drew THIS issue!
Calvin is glad the Captain Steroid comic has every issue as issue number one. He says that way, they're all collector items. He says they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags. That's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Hobbes says he keeps buying bonds. Calvin shows Hobbes the great committee that drew the issue he has in hand.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1992
Mom, Hobbes takes my comic books and reads them before I do! Make him stop! Um... He spoils all the good parts too! He yells out what's happening while he's reading. He goes, "Oh no, Captain Steroid is getting his kidneys punched with an I-Beam! Oh gross, now he's bleeding all over the..." Let me see this comic book. NOW DON'T YOU READ IT FIRST!!
Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1992
Mom doesn't understand comic books. She doesn't realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Today's superheroes face tough moral dilemmas. Comic books aren't escapist fantasy. They're sophisticated social critiques. Is Amazon girl's super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit? Nah, they can all do that.
Calvin, reading a comic beneath the tree, tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't understand comic books. Calvin says they deal with serious issues of the day. He says comic book aren't just escapist fantasy, but they're sophisticated social critiques. Hobbes asks if Amazon Girl's super power is the ability to squeeze her figure into her suit. Calvin tells her they all can do that.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1992
Whoa, Dad! Don't miss your bus! Leggo!
Calvin peeks around the corner of the house. He sees something and gets excited. He turns on the outside water spigot. The sprinkler has been wrapped around a tree, with the sprinkler head up in the tree. Below the flowing sprinkler is Dad's briefcase and papers. Off page, Calvin is saying for Dad not to miss his bus and to let him go.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1992
Is the coast clear? Give me a boost! What's the plan? We wait for Susie to walk underneath this tree and then we drop a water balloon on her! What if she doesn't walk by? Then we just sit in the tree all day. I love summer. The days are just PACKED!
Calvin asks for Hobbes to boost him into a tree. Calvin plans to wait for Susie to walk underneath the tree, then he'll drop a water balloon on her. Hobbes asks what they'll do if she doesn't walk by. Calvin says they'll just sit in the tree all day. Hobbes loves summer. Calvin says the days are just packed.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1992
Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
Getting ready for his bath, Calvin shows Hobbes the grass stains on his skin. He says if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1992
Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1992
Life is so sweet.
Calvin fills a water balloon, happily looks at it, then grins evilly. He says life is so, so sweet.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1992
I have a question, Dad. Sure. Which exactly are the halcyon days of my youth? Is Saturday one? I believe they are awarded retroactively when you're grown up. You can't identify them until THEN? Calcyonity is relative. I'll go ask Mom.
Calvin asks Dad which are the halcyon days of his youth. Dad says they're awarded retroactively when you've grown up. Calvin asks if you can't identify them until then. Dad says halcyonity is relative. Calvin says he's going to ask Mom.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1992
It's too hot to sleep with you in the bed. You're blocking the breeze and you take up too much room! Opening the window more isn't going to help! The problem is your big, hot, furry body! Hey! Leggo! I didn't mean it! No! I'm comfortable! Reall! And Mom can't imagine how my pajamas get so gritty.
Calvin tells Hobbes it's too hot to sleep with him in the bed. He says Hobbes blocks the breeze and takes up too much room. Hobbes opens the window. Calvin complains that isn't going to help. The problem is his big, furry body. Hobbes grabs Calvin and puts him on the garage roof. Lying on it, with his pillow, Calvin says Mom can't imagine how his pajamas get so gritty.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1992
I don't have anything to do. Well, then why don't you go clean your room? I was bragging.
Calvin tells Mom that he doesn't have anything to do. She suggests he go clean his room. Calvin tells Mom he was bragging.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1992
How's business? Terrible. That's hard to believe. I can't understand it. Everybody I know needs what I'm selling.
Calvin sits at an upside-down box that offers swift kicks in the butt for a dollar. Hobbes asks how business is, and Calvin tells him it's terrible. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's hard to believe. Calvin can't understand it. He says everybody he knows needs what he's selling.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1992
When you're as long as the pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.
In their blow-up pool, Hobbes kneels at one end. Calvin looks at his watch. Hobbes falls forward, touching the other side. Calvin tells him that when you're as long as the swimming pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1992
Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1992
OPEN THE DOOR!
Calvin leaps over his lawn sprinkler. He jumps over it, being splashed by the water. He looks at the sky. As it starts to rain, Calvin runs back to the house yelling for the door to be opened.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1992
I don't have to go to bed now! I don't have to do what you say! Actually you do. It's in your contract. My contract? what contract? Oh, it's a pretty standard pre-natal form. I had power of attorney since you wer ejust a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime. Dad says I can renegotiate when I'm 18. This 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to your prom date.
Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1992
Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH!
Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1992
C'mon, let's go try to find a big poisonous snake! What will we do if we see one? Are you kidding? We'll scare ourselves silly and run around in circles, screaming like a bunch of loons! I look forward to when we're old enough to get our morning jolt from coffee. Ahh, I'll bet that wears off quicker.
Calvin wants to find a poisonous snake. Hobbes asks what they'll do if they see one. Calvin tells him they'll scare themselves silly, run around in circles, and scream like loons. Hobbes looks forward to when they're old enough to get their morning jolt from coffee. Calvin says he bets that wears off quicker.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1992
Oh greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1992
You know what I've discovered? What? A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Oh, that's good to know. If you weren't such a muttonhead, you might have thought of it yourself! See?? You proved my point!
Calvin has discovered a little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's good to know. Calvin says if he wasn't such a muttonhead, he might have thought of it himself. Calvin, stuck into the ground, says Hobbes just proved his point.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1992
Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well, I enjoyed coming home...
In poem form, aliens come, drain the ocean, suck up the clouds and air. People cry for the aliens to stop. The aliens reply that while they're sorry to learn the people will soon be dead, they prefer their extinction to the loss of the aliens' job. Calvin shows Hobbes his science fiction story. He asks if it's too far-fetched. Hobbes says it's not enough, really.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1992
I slept on my hair funny. I can tell. Maybe if I mousse it, it will stay like this! See if your Mom has any curlers for the back!
Calvin's hair is flat on one side. He says he slept on it funny. He wonders if it will stay that way if he mousses it. Hobbes wonders if Mom has curlers for the back.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1992
Hello, information? Yes, what exactly is the difference between a hotdog, a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK, FINE! Thanks for NOTHING, you fraud!! And I've heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon! You can't trust anyone.
Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1992
I'm sick of hearing about personal responsibility! I've already DONE my part to make the world a better place to live. Really? Sure! I was BORN! Oh yes, I forgot to thank you. Join the club!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's done his part to make the world a better place to live. He was born. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he forgot to thank Calvin. Calvin tells him to join the club.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1992
Man, it must be 100 degrees today! Animals sure are dumb to have all that fur. People sure are ugly without it. I'll bet he's cranky because he's so hot.
Calvin complains because of the heat. He says animals are dumb to have all that fur. Hobbes replies people are sure ugly without it. Calvin walks off betting Hobbes is so cranky because he's so hot.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1992
Run for your life! There's a million angry hornets coming! They're insane with rage! They'll sting anyone in their path! Lousy bugs! What are they made about? I've been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. A REAL FRIEND WOULDN'T TAKE THEIR SIDE!!
Calvin runs past Hobbes, telling him to run from the hornets that are coming. Calvin says they're insane with rage and calls them lousy bugs. Hobbes asks what they're mad about. Calvin says he's been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. Hobbes puts Calvin on a tree branch. Calvin yells that a real friend wouldn't take their side.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1992
Whee hee hee SPLOOSHH. Oh, what an awful thing I did! How I regret it now! I hereby resolve to change my evil ways! Oh remorse, remorse! My penitent sinner shtick needs work.
Calvin cheerily runs up with a water balloon and hits Susie with it. Then, Calvin apologizes for what he's done and resolves to change his evil ways. Calvin is pounded into the ground. He says his penitent sinner schtick needs work.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1992
No text
Little Calvins in helmets run controls. They miscalculated and need to reduce forward momentum. The landing leg is out of alignment. One calls for view ports to open. They prepare for crash positions. Adrenalin is at maximum. They try to redistribute all weight. They prepare for impact. Calvin falls down the steps. Mom asks if he's alright. Calvin says damage assessment is under way.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1992
Wake up, honey. It's morning. Gosh, it's not very bright out. What time is ... Let's go, honey. Jump out of bed! Mom?? NICE TRY!! See, I TOLD you his Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. OK, YOU do it next time!
Mom wakes Calvin up. As he awakens, Calvin notices it's not very bright. He asks the time. A tentacle taps him as a voice under the bed tells him to jump out of bed. Calvin tells the monsters that was a nice try. Beneath the bed, a voice says that it told the other monster Calvin's Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. The other monster says next time he can do it.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1992
Goodness, you look tired. The monsters under my bed kept me up all night. But I checked for monsters when I tucked you in... and there weren't any. I know. Then how did they get there after I left? YOU WANT ME TO CRAWL UNDER AND ASK THEM?!
Calvin tells Mom the monsters under his bed kept him up all night. She says she checked when she tucked him in, and there weren't any. Calvin knows. She asks how they got there after she left. Calvin asks if she wants him to crawl under and ask them.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1992
Mom wants me to try an experiment tonight. She says the monsters under my bed may need me to THINK about them to exist. Her theory is that if I just don't think about them, they'll go away. ...of course, that idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. And it's not like Mom and Dad go away when I stop thinking about THEM.
In bed, Calvin says Mom wants him to try an experiment. Mom's theory is that if Calvin doesn't think about them will make them go away. Hobbes offers that the idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. Calvin adds that Mom and Dad don't go away when he stops thinking about them.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1992
Attention all monster! I am now going to stop thinking about you! MOMMMM! Admit it, you LIED to us!
Calvin tells the monsters he's going to stop thinking about them. He looks over to see eyes and long claws looming over the bed. Calvin turns the light on and yells for Mom. A voice under the bed tells Calvin to admit it, he lied to them.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1992
As soon as we turn the lights off, the monsters will come back out from under the bed. They're not going to go away, so I guess we need to find some way to live with them. It's hard to co-exist with things that want to kill you. Well we've got to do SOMETHING. We are. We're staying awake all night with the lights on. I wonder if we could set fire to the bed without burning the house down.
Calvin tells Hobbes that they monsters will come out when they turn the lights off. He wants to figures out some way to live with them. Hobbes says it's hard to coexist with things that want to kill you. Calvin says they have to do something. Hobbes says they are. They're staying awake all night with the lights on.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1992
Whoo! It smells awful in here! Why does your room stink? It's because of the darn monsters under my bed! Calvin, I don't believe for a minute that your nighttime "monsters" are causing this smell. But it's true. See? They don't eat all the garbage we throw down there to keep 'em quiet.
Mom asks Calvin why his room stinks. He says it's because of the monsters under the bed. Mom doesn't believe the monsters are causing the smell. She reaches under the bed and comes out with some cans, bones, and a banana peel. Calvin says the monsters don't eat all the garbage they throw down there to quiet them.
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The Days are Just PackedThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1992
AHHHHHHH. HUHHNNNGH. KAWUNCH!
Calvin says his bug bites itch, but he won't scratch. He feels like ants are crawling on him, that his head is on fire, that it explodes. Finally, he scratches the bites. He feels like he's melting. He says it was worth it. The bites itch again.
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24 AUG 1992
Ta da da daaaaa! I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! Kapwinnnggg! Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
Susie is playing as Calvin comes up, declaring himself Stupendous Man. He runs off. Susie says virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
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25 AUG 1992
I feel I have an obligation to keep a journal of my thoughts. Oh? Being a genius, my ideas are naturally more important and interesting than other people's, so I figure the world would benefit from a record of my mental activities. How philanthropic of you. Well, the world isn't going to get it cheap. So what are you writing today? I couldn't really think of anything, so I'm drawing some Martians attaching Indianapolis.
Calvin feels an obligation to keep a journal. He says his ideas are more interesting than other people's. Hobbes says that's very philanthropic of him. Calvin says the world won't get it cheap. Hobbes asks what he's writing. Calvin couldn't think of anything, so he's drawing Martians attacking Indianapolis.
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26 AUG 1992
Call me Calvin. actually, make that "Calvin, Boy Genius, Hope of Mankind." ... or "Doctor Destiny" for short. (That's "Doctor Destiny, Sir" to you.) My journal is off to a good start.
Calvin starts his journal by calling himself a boy genius, hope of mankind. He adds he could be called Doctor Destiny, sir. He says his journal is off to a good start.
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27 AUG 1992
I wish my shirt had a logo or a product on it. A good shirt turns the wearer into a walking corporate billboard! It says to the world, "My identity is so wrapped up in what I buy that I paid the COMPANY to advertise its products!" You'd admit that? Oh sure, endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
Calvin wishes his shirt had a logo on it. He says a good shirt turns the wearer into a walking billboard. It says the wearer pays to advertise the company's products. Calvin says endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
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28 AUG 1992
Know what I pray for? What? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. You should lead an interesting life. Oh, I already DO!
Calvin asks for the strength to change what he can, the inability to accept what he can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. Hobbes says he should lead an interesting life.
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29 AUG 1992
We've got to get cable TV, Dad. No, we don't. But people across the country are watching different TV shows than we are! If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous? We can't rely on monolithic natworks to provide uniform national blandness anymore! There's still McDonald's and Wal-Mart. But they don't come into our HOMES!
Calvin tells Dad they need to get cable TV. He says people across the country watch different TV shows than they are. He asks what will keep their culture homogeneous if they don't watch the same TV. Dad suggests there's still McDonald's and Wal-mart. Calvin complains they don't come into their homes.
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30 AUG 1992
DING DONG. C'mon, c'mon... answer the door! DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG. What's wrong with you people?? Don't you answer your door? AAAUGH! Oh, it figures it's you. Mom says our doorbell is not a toy. Go away. Hopeless. From now on, it's illegal to hide in other people's houses. Good try, though. Girls just don't understand sports. That's the problem.
Spaceman Spiff flies over an uncharted planet and notices an alien. Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. He sees the monster. He wonders what circumstances of evolution made a creature so ugly. Calvin is staring at Susie. She tells him to get away from her. Spiff's field guide says the creature is a "gurl".
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31 AUG 1992
Where do the candidates stand on dinosaur research?! That's what I want to know! Which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank? They can't ignore the dinosaur vote! If nobody panders to us, we'll throw the election! We'll stay home! We're disaffected, disenfranchised and discombobulated! We single-issue activities like to have our "hot buttons" pushed.
Calvin wonders where their candidates stand on dinosaur research. He wonders which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank. He says if no one panders to them, they'll stay home from the election. He says single-issue activists like to have their "hot buttons" pushed.
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01 SEPT 1992
Hey Dad, know what I figured out? The meaning of words isn't a fixed thing! Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings, ordinary English can become an exclusionary code! Two generations can be divided by the same language! To that end, I'll be inventing some new definitions for common words. So we'll be unable to communicate. Don't you think that's totally spam? It's lubricated! Well, I'm phasing. Marvy. Fab. Far our.
Calvin tells Dad that the meaning of words isn't a fixed thing. Any word can mean anything. He says English can become an exclusionary code. Generations can be divided by the same language. He asks Dad if he thinks that's totally spam. He says it's lubricated, and that he's phasing. Dad gives Calvin the peace sign and tells him marvy, fab, far out.
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02 SEPT 1992
Watcha doin'? I'm seeing if it's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. I guess it isn't. Ugh. What a mess. C'mon, I'll bet it's hotter on the car dash!
Calvin cracks an egg to see if it's hot enough to fry on the sidewalk. He and Hobbes look at it and decide it's not hot enough. It's a mess. They run off. Calvin bets it's hotter on the car dash.
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03 SEPT 1992
I hate hearing about social responsibility! Whatever happened to unbridled greed, the conspicuous consumption of wealth, and the get-ahead-by-any-means credo?? Don't tell me it's all over! I didn't get to participate! They can't change the game before I'm old enough to play! It's not fair! The "Me Decade" left without its poster child. Maybe we can declare THIS the "Calvin Decade".
Calvin hates hearing about social responsibility. He wonders what happened to greed and the consumption of wealth. He hasn't gotten to participate. Hobbes suggests it's the "me decade" left without its poster child.
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04 SEPT 1992
I ate a popsicle and now my tongue is purple, and my face is a sticky, blotchy red. My fingers are gummy, my arms are tacky where I wiped my mouth, my shirt is dripping wet, and the stick is stuck to my pocket. I'm a syrupy mess! Who can I hug? I'm sitting over here.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting outside on the porch. Calvin ate a Popsicle, and his tongue is purple, his face sticky red. His fingers are gummy, and his shirt is dripping wet. He's a syrupy mess. He wonders who he can hug. Hobbes moves away from Calvin.
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05 SEPT 1992
Oh no... oh no... WHERE ARE ALL MY CARTOON CHARACTER UNDERPANTS?? In the laundry. Wear something else. RRRRGGHHH I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals.
Calvin looks in his dresser, then asks where his cartoon character underpants are. Mom says they're in the laundry. Calvin hates it when he can't gird his loins with funny animals.
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06 SEPT 1992
Very good work, Calvin. You got an "A". All right, class. Books open! Next chapter! Sighhhh...
As Calvin passes Hobbes lying on the floor, he says it's hard to believe his conscience lets him sleep that well. Calvin walks on. Hobbes gets up, stalks, and pounces on Calvin. Hobbes returns to his spot, lies down, yawns, and says "now it does".
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07 SEPT 1992
People complain that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste, but I disagree. You do? Yeah, I think it's a fallacy that taste bottoms out somewhere. If they could find some way to aim even LOWER, they'd make some REAL money. I'm sure there's a brilliant career ahead of you. There MUST be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes!
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he doesn't agree that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste. Calvin thinks if they could find a way to aim even lower, they'd make real money. He figures there must be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes.
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08 SEPT 1992
Let's go! Time for bed. I'm not going to bed. Oh yes, you are. Move it. Don't be so dysfunctional, Mom. I've got a new entry for our list of words that get a reaction.
Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin says he's not going. He tells her not to be so dysfunctional. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he has a new entry for his list of words that get a reaction.
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09 SEPT 1992
What's with the umbrella and backpack? My motto is "Be Prepared". Prepared for what? One never knows. I've got a dart gun, five comic books, some gum, a wrench, a book on bugs, a map of Montana, an eraser, and a rock. Gee, EVERYone should carry a kit like this. The umbrella doubles as a parachute.
Calvin is standing with an umbrella. He says his motto is "be prepared". He has a dart gun, comic books, gum, a map of Montana, and a few other things. Hobbes says everyone should carry a kit like that. Calvin says the umbrella doubles as a parachute.
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10 SEPT 1992
Eight hundred and seventy-three million... four hundred ninety-one thousand... six hundred and thirty-TWO! This gets easier when the numbers are big.
Calvin is jumping rope. He's standing with his rope, saying what jump he's doing. He finally jumps the rope. He says jumping gets easier when the numbers are big.
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11 SEPT 1992
Yes, Calvin? Miss Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the day's struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. Boy, what a touchy subject!
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood he's a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. However, he feels the need for spiritual guidance as he faces the day's struggles. He wonders if he can strip down, smear himself with paste, and burn a little effigy of her. As he goes to the principal's office, he realizes that's a touchy subject.
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12 SEPT 1992
I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! AGHH! LEGGO! LEGGO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PUT ME DOWN! I WISH I WAS DEAD! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING! AARRGGHHH! Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the "child within", I want to scream.
Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the "child within", she wants to scream.
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13 SEPT 1992
Calvin, the mighty tyrannosaur, stands over his kill and roars triumphantly! The struggle to bring down his prey has given Calvin a monstrous appetite! With massive jaws twisting violently at the carcass, he rips apart gigantic chunks and swallows them whole! What a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony! That's enough for tonight, Calvin. You're going to get sick if you eat all that. But Mom, I earned it!
The pterodactyl flies over the water. Suddenly, a creature rises out of the water yelling for Calvin to pay attention. Miss Wormwood says they're studying geography. She asks what state he lives in. Calvin replies "denial". Miss Wormwood walks away, saying she can't argue with that. The pterodactyl flies off.
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14 SEPT 1992
When you look at me, it's clear that my genes contain the evolutionary perfection of earthly DNA. I am the culmination of creation. With no tail?! I don't think so! Stop that! My butt doesn't NEED aesthetic enhancement.
Calvin says his genes contain the evolutionary perfection of DNA. He's the culmination of creation. Hobbes looks down the back of Calvin's pants. He says he doesn't think so. Calvin has no tail. Calvin says his butt doesn't need aesthetic enhancement.
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15 SEPT 1992
When you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
Calvin is toasting a piece of bread. The toast burns. Calvin walks off with the toast, saying that when you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
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16 SEPT 1992
Here, take a picture of me, OK? Sure. I'll sit holding this big book, looking contemplative. Why do you want a picture like THAT? On the off-chance I decide to do something responsible with my life, I'll need to establish a ficticious childhood.
Calvin wants Hobbes to take a picture of him. He holds a book, looking contemplative. Hobbes asks why he wants a picture like that. Calvin tells him that on the off-chance he does something responsible with his life, he'll need to establish a fictitious childhood.
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17 SEPT 1992
This is what I like about photography. People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts, but really, cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth! For example, I've cleared off this corner of my bed. Take a picture of me here, but crop out all the mess around me, so it looks like I keep my room tidy. Is this even legal? Wait, let me comb my hair and put on a tie.
Calvin says people think cameras always tell the truth. He says cameras lie all the time. If you select the facts, you manipulate the truth. He's cleared a corner of his bed. If Hobbes takes a picture of him, and crops out the mess around him, it looks like he keeps his room tidy. Hobbes asks if this is legal. Calvin runs off to comb his hair and put on a tie.
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18 SEPT 1992
OK, there's a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah, but people believe what they see, and now we've got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning, huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesn't keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait. Ooh, now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe!
Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books.
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19 SEPT 1992
I'm a simple man, Hobbes. YOU?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided head-seeking missiles! I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
Calvin says he's a simple man. Hobbes tells him that yesterday, he wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet. Calvin modifies his statement that he's a simple man with complex tastes.
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20 SEPT 1992
If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? ...hmm... Anything at all! Whatever you want! A sandwich. A SANDWICH?!? WHAT KIND OF A STUPID WISH IS THAT?! Talk about a failure of imagination! I'D ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle and a private continent. I got MY wish.
Hobbes pounces on Calvin, drags him along, then dumps him on the floor. Calvin says he needs to make friends with some less territorial animals.
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21 SEPT 1992
You have a question, Calvin? More of a statement, really. I just want to say that education is our most important investment in the future, and it's scandalous how little our educators are paid! OK, hands up. Who ELSE didn't do the homework for today? Actually, I'd like to see more teachers out on the streets.
Calvin raises his hand in class. He wants to say education is the most important investment in their future. It's scandalous how little educators are paid. Miss Wormwood stands dumbfounded. She asks the class who else didn't do the homework for today. Calvin mumbles he'd like to see more teachers out on the streets.
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22 SEPT 1992
You're dead at recess, Twinky. You don't scare ME, Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free.
Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free.
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23 SEPT 1992
I hate school! I'm not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year.
Calvin says he refuses to go to school again. Calvin gets tossed out the door. As he brushes himself off, Calvin says he thinks Mom lettered in shot put her junior year.
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24 SEPT 1992
I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. There's velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more! Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received.
Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received.
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25 SEPT 1992
I figured out how I can achieve success without hard work. How? I'll find a profession where everyone in it is worse than me! That might take hard work.
In his wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's figured out how he can achieve success without hard work. He has to find a profession where everyone in it is worse than he is. Hobbes says that might take hard work.
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26 SEPT 1992
Act casual.
Calvin walks by Dad thinking he needs to act casual. Behind Dad is a Tinkertoy creation. When the door is opened, a bucket of water will pour into a ramp pointing at the back of Dad's head.
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27 SEPT 1992
BBRRBBBRBB beep beep. GAAAPA! OOMP. You moved upwind, silly! Sheesh, human senses aren't worth beans. GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOTIC SAVAGE! Your nature program is on. Don't you want to watch it? NO!
Calvin's food rolls off his plate. It goes to the edge of the table, then comes back. It jumps into Calvin's shirt. He struggles and runs off with the food on his back. He rolls on the floor to kill it. He lifts his shirt to see it, and Mom stands there. Calvin tries to explain, but is sent to bed.
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28 SEPT 1992
Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional. Denial springs eternal. It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he isn't supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin is pretty sure the assignment was optional. Hobbes says denial springs eternal. Calvin says it isn't denial. He's very selective about the reality he accepts.
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29 SEPT 1992
I say a day without denial is a day you've got to face. From now on, I'm not going to think about anything unpleasant. Isn't that a self-deceiving way to go through life? I'm not going to think about that.
Calvin says a day without denial is one you've got to face. He's not going to think of anything that's unpleasant. Hobbes asks if that isn't a self-deceiving way to go through life. Calvin says he isn't going to think about that.
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30 SEPT 1992
Time for your bath. Let's go. Sorry, I'm in denial about my baths. Fine. Go ahead and deny it. Nobody respects my denial.
Mom tells Calvin it's time for his bath. Calvin says he's in denial about baths. Mom puts him in the tub and says he can go ahead and deny it. Calvin says nobody respects his denial.
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01 OCT 1992
No text
Calvin catches a fly in the house. He opens the door to let it out. Three more fly in. Calvin is happy for his good deed.
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02 OCT 1992
Can I have five dollars? If you want money, you should earn it by working. Shaking you down seems to be work.
Calvin asks Mom for five dollars. Mom says he should earn it by working. Calvin says shaking her down seems to be work.
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03 OCT 1992
I need a push! Someone push me! I need a push! Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
Calvin is sitting on a swing. He yells that he wants a push. He looks around and says everybody he knows fails the acid test of friendship.
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04 OCT 1992
Boy, it's cold out! It's a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isn't working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow.
Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says "click" and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes.
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05 OCT 1992
A quandary. Mom once said she loved me, just the way I am. So I wonder what would happen, if I became a clam. If her son was gray and grimy, slippery and sliy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
Calvin writes a poem about Mom saying she loved him just the way he is. He writes what he wonders would happen if he were a clam. If he was gray and slimy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Calvin says good poetry gives him goosebumps.
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06 OCT 1992
What story would you like tonight? We can read anything except... "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie"! NO! No Hamster Huey tonight! We've read that book a million times! I want Hamster Huey! Look, you KNOW how the story goes! You've memorized the whole thing! It's the same story every day! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Wow, the story was different THAT time! Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?
Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head.
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07 OCT 1992
I wish I had a baby brother. You want a new friend to play with? No, I want somebody small I could beat up. Look honey, can we talk about that operation some other time?
Calvin tells Mom he wishes he had a baby brother. She asks if Calvin wants a new friend to play with. Calvin says he wants somebody small he can beat up. Dad is on the phone, with his boss standing in front of him. Dad whispers into the phone. He wonders if they can talk about that operation some other time.
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08 OCT 1992
Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right?
Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives.
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09 OCT 1992
Look how your tail flips around! I wonder which muscles control that. I can sort of clench my butt, but I don't think it could wiggle a tail. Hmm, how strange! I've never really thought about butt muscles before. Some things don't need the thought people give them.
Calvin points out how Hobbes' tail flips around. He wonders which butt muscles control that. He can clench his butt, but he doesn't think it would wiggle a tail. He walks off saying he's never thought of butt muscles before. Hobbes says some things don't need the thought people give them.
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10 OCT 1992
I'M IN A VERY BAD MOOD, SO NOBODY'D BETTER MESS WITH ME TODAY, BOY!! Here, I got you a new comic book. Why don't you just sit on the couch and I'll make you some peanut butter crackers. Are you comfy? Um, I guess so. Mom knows EVERYTHING.
Calvin yells that he's in a bad mood. Mom gets Calvin a comic book. She says he should sit on the couch, and she'll bring him some peanut butter crackers. Calvin decides Mom knows everything.
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11 OCT 1992
Hello, Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-you're a robot?? Ha hah, affirmative. We wouldn't trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands, now, would we? Um... I gues not... How's the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar, would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here, a dab there... ah, that should do it. Wow, that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks, Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh.
Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself.
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12 OCT 1992
I bet you're all thinking, "Wow, how did these clothes walk to the front of the class all by themselves?" And NOW look! Here's a piece of chalk floating around! Pretty weird, huh? Yes, for Show and Tell today, I, Calvin, have turned myself invisible! Ha ha! Now I'll take off these clothes and the next sound you hear will be my feet heading for the door! Adios, amigos! Lucky guess, Miss Wormwood! Woooooh, these pants are hovering over the class! Ooooh!
Calvin walks to the front of class saying the class wonders how the clothes walked on their own. He picks up a piece of chalk and says it's floating around. Calvin has made himself invisible. His shirt comes off. He says he'll take off his clothes and head for the door. Miss Wormwood picks Calvin up. He says the pants are hovering over the class.
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13 OCT 1992
I'm not going to do my math homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intruiging possibilities into boring ol' facts. I never really thought about the literary qualities of math. I prefer to savor the myster.
Calvin says he isn't going to do his math homework. He says numbers are in mortal combat with each other. One will get subtracted. Why? How? If he answered those questions, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn possibilities into boring facts. Hobbes says he never thought about the literary qualities of math. Calvin closes the book, saying he prefers to savor the mystery.
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14 OCT 1992
Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground. HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that if ignorance is bliss, her lessor would be an attempt to deprive him of happiness. That's an unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. He hops out of his chair, saying he'll assert his patriotic prerogative not to know the material. He tries to leave the classroom but is grabbed. He cries out for help from the monarchists.
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15 OCT 1992
I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting.
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16 OCT 1992
Hello, county library? Yes, do you have any books on why girls are so weird? That's what I said. Or you might also try looking under "obnoxious". Are you serious?! You mean there's no research on this at all?? I'll bet the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
Calvin calls the library asking for books on why girls are so weird. He suggests they look under "obnoxious". He asks if they're serious. He asks if they mean there's no research on that at all. He says he bets the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
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17 OCT 1992
MOM? MOM? I'm taking a bath, Calvin. Oh, OK, never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. It's ALWAYS something. So I've noticed.
Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands.
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18 OCT 1992
Look at that kid's snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it, "The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing". As he melts, this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability.
Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
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19 OCT 1992
BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF Oh no, not AGAIN! Once this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping! GET IN HERE!
Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking.
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20 OCT 1992
I wish it was winter. Well, it won't be for a while yet. Then I wish it was spring or summer. You don't like autumn? Oh, autumn is fine. It's the present I don't like.
Calvin wishes it was winter. Dad says it won't be for a while yet. Calvin then wishes it was spring or summer. Dad asks if he doesn't like autumn. Calvin says autumn is fine, it's the present he doesn't like.
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21 OCT 1992
There really ought to be a fall olympics.
Calvin runs and jumps onto a pile of leaves. He says there ought to be a fall Olympics.
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22 OCT 1992
It's a high price to pay, but nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
Hobbes is sleeping on the floor. Calvin runs up and blows on Hobbes' belly. Calvin, walking away with scratches all over, says that while it's a high price to pay, nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
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23 OCT 1992
I said to go out LONG! Keep going! This is as far as you can throw the ball. THAT'S NOT TRUE! OK, I'll step closer. It'll be the last think you ever do, you flea feast? Oh yeah? Let's see if you fight as badly as you throw! I guess this is another incomplete. It's a good thing we don't have to fight some OTHER team!
Calvin is going to throw the football to Hobbes. Calvin tells him to go deep, but Hobbes says this is as far as Calvin can throw. Calvin denies that, so Hobbes offers to get closer. They threaten each other. After they've fought, Calvin guesses this is an incomplete. Hobbes thinks it's good they don't have to fight some other team.
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24 OCT 1992
Where's the ball? I don't see it. You look over there and I'll look over here. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's HOW you play the game!
Hobbes looks for the football. They can't find it. Calvin suggests Hobbes look over there. Calvin takes off running with the football under his shirt. He says it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
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25 OCT 1992
That's two outs! I should've stayed at second base. You've still got a snowman at third. I love a good game of speed sled base snow ball!
Hobbes looks for Calvin, who hides with the football behind a bush. They cross the stream. Calvin hides in the mailbox. Calvin hides in the sandbox. Running around a tree, Calvin says every sport should be played cross-country.
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26 OCT 1992
I love recess! Two minutes ago, I was eating devilled ham, chocolate milk, grapes and ice cream. And now, I'm running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. It's the one time at school I get some solitude.
Calvin is on the school playground. He says he just ate deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream. He goes down the slide. He gets on the swing and says he's on a playground full of nausea-inducing motion devices. He hangs from some bars and says this is the one time at school he gets some solitude.
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27 OCT 1992
Hey Susie, pick a number in the fortune teller. Um... three. One, two, three! Now pick a letter. "B". We lift up flap "B" and it says, "You're a mouth-breakthing bag of boogers!" AH HA HA HA HA HA! Life doesn't get much better than this.
Calvin has a paper fortune teller. He tells Susie to pick a number. He moves the paper device. Then she picks a letter. Calvin opens the flap to reveal Susie is a mouth-breathing bag of boogers. Calvin laughs. Calvin, lying on the ground beaten up, says life doesn't get much better than this.
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28 OCT 1992
RRINNGGG. Didn't you hear the bell? Recess is over. It's time to go in. I'm not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission.
On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission.
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29 OCT 1992
Susie, do you want to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards? After chewing almost $20 worth of gum, I've collected all the cards except numbers 8 and 34. I'll trade you any duplicate for either of those. I don't collect Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. It must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
Calvin asks if Susie wants to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. He says after chewing almost $20 worth of gum, He has all the cards except two. He offers to trade Susie for those two. Susie tells Calvin she doesn't collect Captain Napalm cards. Calvin walks away saying it must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
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30 OCT 1992
OOF! Ackpth! Pbthp! That was a fumble! Aren't you going to get the ball? No, you can have it. It's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. Go on, take a running start.
Calvin runs with the football. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin gets up and says it's a fumble. He asks if Hobbes is going to get it. Hobbes tells him he can have it. Calvin says it's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win.
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31 OCT 1992
It's third down and four to go...
Calvin kicks the football, which goes behind him. He passes the football, which falls inches away from him. He leaves the football and goes inside the house to watch it on television.
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01 NOV 1992
My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Calvin is on his notebook paper. He's been doodling, so there's a tank for him to enter. The tank goes wherever Calvin wants. He shoots the school. Miss Wormwood tries to stop Calvin. He shoots again and again, but the shells have no effect. Miss Wormwood stands over Calvin's desk. She tells him to hand it over and see her after class. Calvin hands her his drawings and says the arts are the first to go in public schools.
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02 NOV 1992
Here, Calvin, you got a letter in the mail. I did?? Gosh, I never get mail! I wonder who sent this. There's no return address! In its place there's a crude human skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. Maybe it's the IRS.
Mom hands Calvin a letter he got in the mail. Calvin wonders who sent it. He never gets mail. There's no return address, only a skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. He wonders if it's the IRS.
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03 NOV 1992
Look, Hobbes, I got a mysterious letter! The return address is a skull with X-ed out eyes! It has a local postmark, though. So I must know the person. Oh boy, intrigue! But who would send me an anonymous, weird letter like this? Maybe a GIRL! GAAAA! Doesn't the post office SCREEN anything? I'll get you some gloves!
Calvin shows Hobbes the letter he received. He notices it has a local postmark and wonders who would send a weird letter like that. Hobbes wonders if it's from a girl. Calvin drops the letter in horror, wondering if the post office doesn't screen anything.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1992
If this is from a girl, we'll have to bury it real deep and disinfect my room. Hurry! Open it! Ugh, what if it's some mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters with the "I"s dotted with hearts?? I think I'd puke. No, it's cut and pasted letters from a magazine! Wow! No handwriting to trace! It says, "Coded message to follow. A-1, B-2, etc. Destroy this letter." Hobbes, we're dealing with a PRO!
Calvin isn't sure he wants to open the letter. It might be a mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters. He sees the note is cut and pasted letters from a magazine. Hobbes reads the letter. It contains instructions for a code and says a coded message will follow.
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05 NOV 1992
Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres, untraceable cut-out letters, and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh, the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when I'll find out. It's a good thing you're the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom!
Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1992
This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!
Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1992
I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be "C". Next is 1. So that's "A". This is fun! Hey! This says, "Calvin is a porridge brain!" It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1992
We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, "The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise."
Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes.
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09 NOV 1992
Ooh, this burns me up! A coded message saying "Calvin is a porridge brain!" The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing, the cut and pasted letters, the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh, I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you, Calvin! How nice to get so much mail.
Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1992
Look, Hobbes, the skull! It's another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says, "You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha." The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You don't LOOK like a baboon. OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP!
Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads "You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha". Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1992
I can't sleep. Who's been sending me these insults? Where will it stop?! Am I going to get an insult in the mail every day for the rest of my life?? The thing that drives me crazy is that there's no way to trace this lunatic! He's thought of everything! He's a mastermind! Hey, who cut up this magazine?
Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1992
Did I get another letter today? Yep! When you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. I don't write these! What are you talking about? Oh c'mon, Calvin. I know you've been putting these out for the mailman every day. Wait a minute! These are coming from OUR house?? Oh, and I want you to ASK before you cut up my magazines, OK? ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THAT MISERABLE BUNCH OF STRIPEY ORANGE FLEA BAIT?!?
Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1992
So it was YOU the whole time! YOU'RE the one who's been sending me insults in the mail!! I'll get you for this! You and your sneaky codes and pasted letters and skull drawings! ... although, really, the skull drawings were pretty cool. You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
Calvin chases Hobbes. He says Hobbes has been sending the insults. He chases Hobbes around a tree. He stops. He admits the skull drawings were pretty cool. Hobbes says you can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1992
You and I are through! I'll teach you to trick me, you big hairball! You just have no sense of humor! I do too! It's just that was a terrible, nasty, awful thing to do, and I'll never forgiv... huh? Heyyyy, you're right! It IS funny! Ha ha ha! ... OK! We're pals again! SUSIE: you smell! Ha ha!
Calvin and Hobbes fight. Calvin says he'll never forgive Hobbes. Hobbes whispers something to Calvin. They shake hands. Calvin says it's funny. They're pals again. Susie gets a message cut from magazines saying she smells.
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15 NOV 1992
AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no, it's fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes, Mom.
Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic.
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16 NOV 1992
... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile, in the air there's a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU KNOW!
Calvin marches along singing a Christmas song. Mom kicks him outside. Calvin yells back that not thinking about it won't make it go away.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1992
Look, Hobbes, I got a paint by numbers kit! It's really fun. But you're not painting in the lines and not using the colors that correspond to the numbers. If I did THAT, I'd get the picture they show on the box! Ah.
Calvin has a paint-by-numbers kit. Hobbes points out that Calvin isn't painting in the lines and isn't using the colors that correspond to the numbers. Calvin looks at the kit. He says if he did that, he'd get the picture they show on the box.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1992
Well, your haircut is a big improvement. You LIKE what it says on the back of my head? What WHAT says? Didn't the barber shave "I may have a bad haricut, but you're downright ugly" back there? Good heavens, no! OK, CHARLIE, GIMME BACK THAT TIP!
Mom says Calvin's haircut is a big improvement. Calvin asks if she likes what is says on the back of his head. Mom asks what he means. Calvin asks if the barber didn't shave "I may have a bad haircut, buy you're downright ugly" onto his head. Mom says no. Calvin angrily asks the barber for his tip back.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1992
These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air, the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler, I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didn't appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever.
Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1992
Hello? ... No, my Mom can't come to the phone right now. Sure, I'll be glad to take a message. You write it down, drive it over here, pay me five bucks, and I'll give it to her the next time I see her. He must not have wanted to talk to Mom very bad.
Calvin answers the phone. He says Mom can't come to the phone. He says he'll take a message. Calvin says the caller can write it down, drive it over to him, give him five bucks, and Calvin will pass it to Mom. As he walks off, Calvin says the person must not have wanted to talk to Mom very badly.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1992
I'm growing my fingernails long. Then I'll file them into points, so I'll have claws just like you. Mine are retractable. No retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no compound eyes, no fangs, no wings... SIGHHH...
Calvin tells Hobbes he's growing his fingernails. He'll file them, so he'll have claws like Hobbes. Hobbes says his are retractable. Calvin trudges off complaining about no retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no fangs. He sighs.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1992
How unoriginal! How hehune! Stupid kid. If you don't have anything to say, just keep quiet! Well, this is certainly shocking! Face it, kid, provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something significant! Look, pal, there's no point expressing ideas if you can't make them understood! You're just babbling to yourself! And aren't we all bored with the irony byy now?You just THINK you're above it all, kid! I tell you Hobbes, it's tough being the sole guardian of high culture. Talent like ours carries such enormous responsibility.
Calvin's home and opens his door. He sees Hobbes coming at him. He turns to run. Hobbes pounces on him. He flies into the air. He falls to the ground. He asks Hobbes if he's noticed how time slows down during a catastrophe. Hobbes sighs that good times are always over so fast.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1992
Can I learn to parachute out of an airplane? Why don't you just play "chicken" on the railroad tracks? It would be a cheaper way to toy with death, I'm sure. Mom's so practical.
Calvin asks Mom if he can parachute out of a plane. Mom wonders why he doesn't play "chicken" on the railroad tracks. It would be a cheaper way to toy with death. Calvin says Mom's so practical.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1992
This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this. It's a duck. I know! Who wants to draw a duck?! I sure didn't! They MADE me! I've been maninpualted! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some coprorate entity's crude idea of waterfowl! It's outrageous! Another blow to creative integrity. From now on, I'll connect the dots my OWN way.
Calvin is angry with his connect-the-dots book. Calvin complains he didn't want to draw the duck, the book made him. He feels manipulated. His talent has been used against his will. Hobbes laments another blow to creative integrity. Calvin says from now on, he'll connect the dots his own way.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1992
Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee.
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26 NOV 1992
How do bank machines work, Dad? Well, let's say you wwant 25 dollars. You punch in the amount... and behind the machine, there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Sort of like the huy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Exactly.
Calvin asks Dad how bank machines work. Dad says you punch in the amount you want, and there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out the slot. Calvin asks if it's like the guy who lives in their garage and opens the door. Dad tells Calvin it's exactly like that.
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27 NOV 1992
Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? You can present the material, but you can't make me care. Rumor has it she's up to two packs a day, unfiltered.
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood she can present the material, but she can't make him care. Later, on the swing, Calvin happily says rumor has Miss Wormwood up to two packs a day, unfiltered.
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28 NOV 1992
I've noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after the more subtle, realistic bad guys? Yeah, the superhero coiuld attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff. Hmm... I think I see the problem. "Quick! To the bat fax!"
Calvin notices comic superheroes fight maniacs with plans to destroy the world. He wonders why they don't go after more realistic bad guys. Hobbes says the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor. Calvin sees the problem.
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29 NOV 1992
UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1992
UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
Calvin asks if he can copy Susie's answers. She says no. She tells him he'd get a good grade without doing any work. Calvin wonders what's wrong with that. Susie tells him it's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. Calvin's never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1992
For "Show and Tell" today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime.
Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1992
Do you hate being a girl? It's gotta be better than the alternative. What's it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I must've put my finger on it.
Calvin asks Susie if she hates being a girl. Susie says it's better than the alternative. Calvin asks if it's like being a bug. Calvin thinks bugs and girls have a perception that nature played a trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend it. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin thinks he must have put his finger on it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1992
I'm home! I'm free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally, some time to myself! Liberty, precious liberty! Ha ha ha!
Calvin rushes home from the school bus. He's got time to himself. He plans to enjoy his liberty. He sits and watches television.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1992
Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy. Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.
Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1992
I like rocks. Here's a nice one. See how smoothit is? It probably took eons to get like that. It's a sedimentary rock, formed by sediment deposits, as opposed to, say, an igneous rock, which is volcanic in origin. You sure know a lot about rocks. You bet. Ballistic missiles from God, I call 'em.
Calvin picks up a rock and shows Hobbes. He explains it took eons to get smooth like that. He explains it's a sedimentary rock, as opposed to igneous. He explains the difference to Hobbes. Hobbes tells Calvin he knows a lot about rocks. Calvin calls them ballistic missiles from God.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1992
I'm going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday I'll write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
Calvin is pulled into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks at the stars.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1992
Wake up, get up... Shut up, listen up... Throw up... Mix up, goof up... Hurry up... How's your day? Looking up.
Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1992
Dear Santa, This year, I don't want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky, don't you think?
Calvin writes to Santa saying he only wants love and peace for his fellow man. He doesn't want any gifts. He tells Hobbes it's reverse psychology. Hobbes asks if Calvin doesn't think it's risky. Calvin crumples the note and tosses it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1992
Dear Santa, Why is your operation in the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.
Calvin writes to Santa, asking why his operation is at the North Pole. He wonders if it's cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. He wonders if that's the example Santa wants to set. Calvin tells Hobbes he's trying to put Santa on the defensive before he considers how good Calvin has been.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1992
Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear "Smart" missile and a launcher. Instead, I got socks and a shirt. Obviously, you mixed up my order with someone else's. Let's get with the program, huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization.
Calvin writes that he wanted a missile and launcher last year, but he got socks and a shirt. He says Santa mixed up his order with someone else's. He asks Santa to get with the program. Calvin says that just because he gives stuff away free, Santa shouldn't get away with an incompetent organization.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1992
Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.
Calvin has a snowball. He wants to paste someone with it. He figures each snowball he throws will cost him one present from Santa. He looks at the snowball and says he wishes he knew if Santa was bringing him any underwear.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1992
Ski resorts use man-made snow. They have snow-making machines that can cover a whole hillsie. Hint hint. You can rely on the weather like every other kid.
Calvin tells Dad ski resorts use man-made snow. They have machines that can cover a hillside. Dad sits there. Calvin tells him "hint, hint". Dad says Calvin can rely on the weather like every other kid.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1992
You got something in the mail. It looks like a Valentine card. Huh? Open it up! It IS a valentine! Who would send me a valentine? Read it! Read it! "Roses are rd, violets are blue, tu-lips are what we'll be kissing, woo woo! Love, Susie." AAAUGGHH! Ho HO! Muchas smooches for el conKISStador! This can't be happening! It's all a nightmare! Some horrible hallucination! Susie loves Calvin! Calvin loves Susie! I've got to pull myself together! What can I DO? My natural studliness has overwhelmed Susie's fragile grip on reality! Big, sloppy smackers! Smmmrppp! Hey, there's Susie now! She's coming this way! Oh NO! Quick! A slushball! I need a slushball! Hi Cal... OOMP!! THAT'S what I think of your mushy Valentine card! POW! I didn't send you a Valentine card, you smelly, snot-nosed troll! Why on earth would I send a valentine to YOU?? You didn't? But... but... I'm telling! ... then who...?? Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... YOU!! You write that card! You tricked me!! Wheeeeee! Love makes the world go round! You're gonna see STARS go round, I promise!
Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at high speeds. Spiff discovers galaxies and planets not charted. He lands on worlds not explored, confronting species never encountered. He's a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown. Mom gives Calvin a plate of food. He cringes, saying he's never had it before and won't eat it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1992
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. It's a beautiful world, all right. Dad doesn't handle the season's stress very gracefully.
Dad sees Calvin watching another Christmas TV special. Dad says it's touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought by food, cola, and beer conglomerates. He walks away wondering who would have guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Calvin says Dad doesn't handle the stress of the season very gracefully.
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15 DEC 1992
Dad, I'd like to have a little talk. Um, OK... As the wage earner here, it's your responsibiliy to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what's right for our country. I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
Calvin would like to have a talk with Dad. He tells Dad it's his responsibility to show consumer confidence and by things to get the economy going. Calvin gives Dad a list of big-ticket items he'd like for Christmas. Calvin hopes he can trust Dad to do what's right for the country. Dad says he has to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1992
RRRRGGHHH. I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny EVERY time.
Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1992
I'm having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You don't shop for anyone, you've got two weeks off from school, and your parents do all the cooking, cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1992
OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day.
Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1992
Oh man, Susie's right in range! It's a clear shot! I can't miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. It's not even noon. I'll do 'em after lunch. Look, doing ten good acts isn't going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area, don't you think? Don't expect to play with all MY presents when you don't get any.
Hiding behind a snowman, Calvin has a clear shot at Susie. Hobbes says he thought Calvin was going to do ten acts of good will a day. Calvin says he'll do them after lunch. Hobbes tells him doing good deeds isn't going to impress Santa if he does bad things all morning. Calvin wonders if grazing her jaw would be in a gray area. Hobbes tells Calvin not to expect to play with his toys when Calvin doesn't get any.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1992
My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1992
SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope.
Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1992
Here! It's a comic book! It's MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free, and only touch the mylar bag, and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages, and try not to exhale too much moisture, OK?! Don't mess it up! THERE! That's one spontaneous act of good will! I hope you're satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!!
Calvin hands Hobbes a comic book. He says he can read it. Calvin tells him to be sure his hands are clean, and that he use sterilized tongs to turn the pages. Calvin proclaims one act of good will. Hobbes thinks spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1992
Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom, I'm guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots, but I'm (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will, Santa! You'd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE 'EM ON!
Calvin eats his food, saying he guesses this is boiled guano on raw maggots. He declares another spontaneous act of good will. He says Santa better come through in spades for this. Mom asks if Calvin wants more maggots. He says to pile them on.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1992
One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! I'll bet Santa's loading up the sleigh right now! He's got millions of deliveries, right? He couldn't possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made, I don't have to impress him any more! I'm free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe he's loading your stuff last, just to see what you do. You think? Well, maybe. Geez, he's a tough ol' geezer! Well, what's one more day? ...sigh...
Calvin needs one more day of being good. He bets Santa's loading up the sleigh for deliveries. He couldn't be deciding how good Calvin is. Calvin figures if the decision is made, he doesn't have to impress him anymore. He's free to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what happens if he loads Calvin's stuff last to see what he does. Calvin figures one more day won't hurt.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1992
It's a certificate entitling the bearer to one day pounce-free of tiger attacks! Wow! Thanks, ol' buddy! You always think of the best gifts! I still think this could've waited until sunrise. Shh, take a picture.
On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1992
The snow isn't deep enough for sledding. And it's not wet enough to pack, either. Sighhhh. Fortunately, I'm the stoic type. You're an inspiration to us all.
Calvin notices the snow isn't deep enough for sledding, not wet enough to pack. He sighs. He says fortunately, he's the stoic type. Hobbes says he's an inspiration to us all.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1992
Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy, but at least it's familiar. I hate change! It's too disruptive! When things are difference, you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same, so I can take everything for granted! Besides, things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live, the more complicated everything gets! I say let's stop here before life gets any harder! From now on, no more change! I'm bored. Let's do something different. SOME things don't change.
Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1992
You know, it's amazing how many things can be taken apart with just one ordinary screwdriver! Such as? Well, just for starters, there's... that is, hypothetically, I mean... not that I'd know for a fact, of course... just in theory, I imagine that maybe... um, well, gosh, it's hard to say. I've GOT to stop introducing topics of conversation.
Calvin tells Dad it's amazing how many things you can take apart with a screwdriver. Dad asks what kind of things. Calvin starts to talk, but says it's hypothetical. He doesn't know for a fact. It's hard to say. He walks off wiping his brow. He says he's got to stop introducing topics of conversation.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1992
You know what the problem is with the universe? Um... There's no toll-free customer service hot line for complaints! That's why things don't get fixed! If the universe had any decent management, we'd get a full refund if we weren't completely satisfied! But the place is free! See, that's another thing. They should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
Calvin says the problem with the universe is that there are no toll-free hot line numbers for complaints. If the universe had decent management, they'd get a full refund if they weren't completely satisfied. Hobbes says the place is free. Calvin says they should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1992
Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface, and I'll fill it full of nails! Um, no... You sure? I've got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! I'd be happy to do it! No thanks, not today. OK, well, let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed?
Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1992
People always seem so crabby and animals always seem so content. I wonder why that is. It's probably because animals know they're superior and people know they're inferior. I figured it was because animals get 15 hours of sleep every day. Actually, I think animals are just as crabby as people are.
Calvin wonders why people always seem so crabby and animals seem so content. Hobbes suggests it's because animals know they're superior. Calvin thought it was because animals got 15 hours of sleep every day. Hiding up in a tree, Calvin says he thinks animals are just as crabby as people are.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1993
Wow, look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it, Dad. The season's over. Are you kidding? In this stuff, I reach my optimal heart rate in no time!
Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1993
I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!" That's a tough cry to rally around. So what?!
Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is "so what". Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1993
YA-A! WHOK. UHN-GG. There were two ways to resolve our differences. I ruled out a thoughtful discussion. Foolish Amazon! I am only toying with you! YEAH?? Well, toy with THIS!! The hyper-phase distortion blaster? I could feel my spine shatter. It hurt... BUDDOW. ...a lot. Next ISH --- "Injuries to go" ...hehh hah hooh... hahh heh hmh Click. No you don't. There's too much violence on TV. Why don't you go read something?
Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman representing the spirit of the new year. The snowman has stick arms making it look like the snowman is looking to the distance. Calvin says it strides forward with confidence, calling forth the best qualities of human drive. Hobbes says that's very inspiring. They look over to other snowmen, built so they're laughing and pointing at the other snowman. Hobbes asks if those snowmen are the real world. Calvin tells him that's why they're glad when the old year is over.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1993
I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here.
As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1993
I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1993
It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didn't have to go to school! Yeah, I'd sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says it would be a surprise if the bus exploded and he didn't have to go to school. He says he'd really be surprised if that happens. On the school bus, Calvin says life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1993
I'M HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! You're letting in cold air.
Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1993
Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1993
Watcha doin'? I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. I hope you're comfy. You could get me something to eat.
Sitting in the chair, watching TV, Calvin tells Hobbes he's killing time to wait for life to shower him with meaning and happiness. Hobbes hopes he's comfy.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1993
I'M HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! That's what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera.
Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1993
This snowman doesn't look very happy. He's not. He knows it's just a matter of time before he melts. The sun, ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. He's about to buy a big screen TV.
Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1993
Home, sweet home.
Dad walks on the sidewalk heading home. At the end of sticks put next to the sidewalk are heads of snowmen with frowns on their faces. Dad says it's home, sweet home.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1993
For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day.
Calvin makes a tiny snowman. He makes several more, then walks up a hill. On his toboggan at the top of the hill, Calvin says the townsfolk below began their day like any other day.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1993
What's wrong with your snowman? It's a snow WOMAN. I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.
Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1993
I hate trudging up these hills. I didn't come out here to WORK! I came out here to ride and have FUN! Well, you can't ride the sled if you don't climb the hills. I could if you pulled me up. He's so lazy and selfish.
Hobbes pulls the sled up the hill. Calvin complains he hates trudging up the hills. He didn't come out to work, he came out to play. Hobbes tells him he can't ride the sled if he doesn't climb the hills. Calvin says he can, if Hobbes pulls him up. Calvin, standing with the sled rope in hand and no Hobbes around, says Hobbes is lazy and selfish.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1993
Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out.
In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1993
Blecchhh. "TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing, END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay, THERE'S the rub! ... for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause." Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Let's not have this ever again.
In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1993
Eggplant Casserole tonight? Why, yes!
Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says "why, yes".
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1993
All that fur must be strictly ornamental.
Calvin sees Hobbes lying in the sunlight coming through the window. He sees Hobbes lying in front of the fireplace. He sees Hobbes lying on a heating register. Later, he sees Hobbes under the covers in bed. Calvin says all that fur must be strictly ornamental.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1993
NICE TRYYY!
Mom looks in the bathtub to find a snowman looking like Calvin inside. Mom yells that it's a nice try.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1993
Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood.
Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1993
Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someone's precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk?
Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1993
It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1993
Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know, I don't understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Well, it can't stay that way forever. You think we'll get smarter. That's one of the two possibilities. Maybe we'll stop polluting before it's too late. We're all holding our breath.
The dinosaur comes out attacking another. Calvin hits Susie with a snowball. She gets up. The second dinosaur chases the attacking one. Calvin closes his front door, marches upstairs, and throws away his book on dinosaurs.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1993
I like to verb words. What? I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now it's something you DO. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to verb words. He takes nouns and adjectives and uses them as verbs. He asks Hobbes if he remembers when "access" was a thing. Now, it's something you do. Calvin says verbing weirds language. Hobbes hopes they can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1993
Wow, chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before it's cooked! Can I have some? Please, please? Now, it's got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning. One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
Calvin sees chocolate chip cookie batter. He asks Mom if he can have some. She says it's got raw eggs in it and he could get salmonella poisoning. Calvin walks off lamenting one more nostalgic part of childhood going THBPPTH.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1993
Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be??
Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1993
The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way, the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also, I don't use milk. I just heat the syrup.,
Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1993
What are you doing? Don't wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been, I thought she'd be happy.
Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1993
If you do a job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
Calvin has shoveled a path from the front steps around the house to the driveway. On each side of the path, in front of the door, and behind the car, there is a pile of snow. Calvin tells Hobbes that if you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1993
Any good mail today? Mm... not really. Here's a "You're not covering the cost of all these mailings" charity request. You've got a "You're not attractive enough" women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all your body flaws. Here are some "You're not stylish or ostentatious enough" catalogs... and coincidentally, an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. And here's our news magazine to identify the trend of the week we're missing... and I got a hobby magazine featuring new equipment I ought to have. Yikes. ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are? I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collaps and we'd have total anarchy. So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh? Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need!
A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1993
1. Write a paragraph explaining the significance of Magellan's expedition. A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter... that's all I ask.
Calvin has an assignment to explain the significance of Magellan's expedition. He prays for a gas mask, smoke grenade, and a helicopter.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1993
Calvin, don't just throw your wet coat on the floor! Hang it up where it belongs! I'm not looking for extra work around here. Oh, like I am.
Mom yells at Calvin not to throw his wet coat on the floor. She tells him to hang it up where it belongs. She isn't looking for extra work. As he drags his coat, he thinks "like I am".
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1993
I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? Well, you'll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1993
Today for Show and Tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN!
Calvin brought a single snowflake for show and tell. He says they can all learn a lesson from how the unique crystal turns into a boring molecule of water, just like every one of the class, when you bring it into the classroom. He walks off saying that while the analogy sinks in, he'll be leaving.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1993
Look at this sandwich my Mom made! I'm not eating this wretched thing! Why, this squid isn't even fresh! Smell it! Look how rubbery it is! And the inky brine has soaked the bread! The pickles are pulp! Gross! Wanna trade! Nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.
Calvin complains to Susie about the sandwich Mom made for him. He says it's squid. He tells Susie to smell it. He says it's rubbery and the inky brine soaked the bread. He asks Susie if she wants to trade. Susie leaves. Calvin says nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1993
You know what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits? Geez, how am I ever going to learn to be an astronaut?
Mom bundles Calvin for the cold. Calvin asks Mom if she knows what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits. As Calvin walks into the bathroom, he asks how he's ever going to learn to be an astronaut.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1993
Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...
Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1993
Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
In poem, Calvin talks about a snowball packed with care smacking a head that's unaware. With freezing ice to spare, it melts and soaks through underwear. He tells the snowball to fly true, hit square, he tells the snowball that's his prayer. He says he only throws consecrated snowballs.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1993
What are you doing? I'm throwing people off my trail with deceptive footprints. See everyone will think these tracks were made by a one-legged kid going THAT way, and they'll be completely wrong! Who exactly is on your trail? Look, it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
Calvin hops backward in the snow. He's making deceptive footprints. He tells Hobbes people will think the tracks were made by a one-legged kid going the other way. Hobbes asks who's on his trail. Calvin says it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1993
Nobody can make me go inside! I've got 200 snowballs that say I'm staying OUT! No one's gonna make ME come in the house! DOESN'T ANYBODY MISS ME?!?
Calvin has 200 snowballs in his snow fort. He says nobody's going to make him come in the house. He waits, and waits. He opens the door to the house, asking if anybody misses him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1993
I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Academia, here I come!
Calvin now enjoys writing assignments. He realizes the purpose is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. He asks Hobbes if he wants to see his book report. "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes".
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1993
Here we are, high on Rigor Mortis Ridge, steeling ourselves for the terrifying descent into Grim Reaper Gorge! Why do we risk life and limb in a vertical free fall, when we could be safe at home by the fire? Because it is man's indominable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason! If you make it home to the fire, you can tell me how it was. See? This is why there were never any great animal explorers!
On Rigor Mortis Ridge, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan. Calvin asks why they risk life and limb when they could be safe by the fire at home. He says it's man's nature to scare himself silly for no good reason. Hobbes gets off the toboggan. As Calvin goes down, Hobbes says if he makes it home to the fire, he can tell Hobbes how it was. Calvin yells this is why there are no great animal explorers.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1993
SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
Calvin hits someone with a snowball. He laughs, saying that was hilarious. He gets hit by a snowball. He says a joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1993
140 million years ago, the incredible 'ultrasaurs' wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons, and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! It's... it's a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it, the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like you've hit the sewer pipe.
Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be "best tiger", and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1993
I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lotm ore important. Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life. Such as? Procrastinating and rationalizing.
Building a snowman, Calvin says he should be doing his homework. He thinks playing is more important. He's learning skills that he can apply throughout his life. Hobbes asks what skills those are. Calvin says procrastinating and rationalizing.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1993
Look at that! An angel. It must be a FALLEN angel! Generally they burn up in the atmosphere, but this one apparently vaporized on impact, leaving this angel-shaped crater in the snow! There are more over there. God must've been punting angels left and right. Strange that there would be so many in Susie's front yard. I'll bet they're all related to her.
Calvin and Hobbes see a snow angel. Calvin thinks it must be a fallen angel. He says they usually burn up in the atmosphere. Hobbes sees more snow angels. Calvin thinks God must have been punting angels right and left. Hobbes thinks it's strange so many would be in Susie's front yard. Calvin figures they're all related to her.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1993
I'm making a monumental, heroic snow sculpture. It will be called "The Triumph of Perseverence." Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. You're through? I'm bored.
Calvin's making a heroic snow sculpture. He has one snowball made. He will call it "The Triumph of Perseverance". Hobbes asks what it will look like. Calvin says like this. Hobbes asks if he's through. Calvin says he's bored.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 FEB 1993
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Susie sees a sign saying there is an important message with an arrow. She runs over to see another sign, saying the next sign has the important message. She gets to the sign which reads "Look out". Above the sign, in the tree, Calvin drops a big snowball. He says it's like shooting fish in a barrel.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 FEB 1993
Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I can't wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it.
Calvin makes what he says is the biggest snowball in the world. He can't wait to hit someone with it. Hobbes asks how he's going to pick it up. Calvin is mortified. He says reality continues to ruin his life. Hobbes suggests he could put it someplace someone will walk into it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 FEB 1993
I'm not going to do this homework! C'mon, let's go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed?
Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 FEB 1993
I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Calvin readies himself for a trip on the toboggan. He looks down for miles on the landscape below. Over he goes, coming down from mountainous heights. Calvin looks back when he's stopped to see the tiny hill he came down. He sighs.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 FEB 1993
What's in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. C'mon, tell me! Well, let's just say it's something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? We've got a history test, remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldn't you and the Principal BOTH like to know!
Susie asks Calvin what's in the bag. He won't tell. He says it might come in handy today. He reminds Susie they have a history test. Susie asks if it's a bomb. Calvin asks if she and the principal wouldn't like to know.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 FEB 1993
Why won't you tell me what's in that bag? It's a severed head. It is NOT! Don't be disgusting! Fine. Don't believe me. You said it would come in handy during today's test. The head is an oracle. I'll put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I don't even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
Susie asks what's in the bag. Calvin says it's a severed head. She asks why that would come in handy for the test. Calvin explains the head is an oracle. It will tell him the answers. Susie walks off as Calvin moans "Susie is a booger brain". Calvin says it speaks the truth.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 FEB 1993
Here are your tests. You may begin. Can I get something from my locker? What do you need? I can't tell you. Then sit and do your test. You're spoiling a great surprise for the class! It would be a great surprise for ME if you'd just get to work.
Miss Wormwood passes out the tests. Calvin asks if he can get something from his locker. Calvin won't tell her what it is. Miss Wormwood tells him to do his test. Calvin says she's spoiling a great surprise for the class. Miss Wormwood says it would be a surprise for her if he'd get to work.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 FEB 1993
Cough cough cough. Can I get a drink of water? OK, but hurry up. THIS is a job for...
Calvin starts coughing during the test. He asks to get a drink of water. He runs out to his locker to get his Stupendous Man costume.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 FEB 1993
To avoid detection while changing identities, mild-mannered Calvin leaps into his locker! There he makes the stupendous transformation into... STUPENDOUS MANNN! Da ta da tum tum da ta da tum tum. Gosh, it's dark in here. Where's that darn handle?
To avoid detection, Calvin leaps into his locker to transform into Stupendous Man. Calvin can't find the handle to get out of his locker.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 FEB 1993
BANG BANG BANG. I can't get out! Hmm... this is a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Bang bang bang bang bang. Heck, this may even be a job for the custodian.
Calvin bangs on the locker door. He can't get out. He says this is a real job for Stupendous Man. He bangs on the door some more. He thinks this may even be a job for the custodian.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 FEB 1993
Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAR 1993
Where's Calvin? Didn't he come back from the drinking fountain? I'll bet he's at his locker, Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! It's STUPENDOUS MAN's fiendish nemesis, the crab teacher, coming to finish him off! Calvin?
Miss Wormwood notices Calvin hasn't come back from the water fountain. Susie tells her Calvin might be at his locker, since he brought something to help with the test. Miss Wormwood walks down the hall, thinking "Five years until retirement". Inside the locker, Stupendous Man sees his nemesis, the Crab Teacher, coming for him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAR 1993
Let's see if Calvin got whatever was in his locker. With stupendous muscles of magnitude, Stupendous Man breaks free!! What on earth?! S.. for Stupendous! T... for Tiger, ferocity of! U.. for Underwear, red! P.. for Power, incredible! E... for Excellent physique! N... for ...um... something... hm, well, I'll come back to that... D... for Determination! U... for... wait, how do you spell this? Is it "I"?? It's not enough that we have to be disciplinarians. Now we need to be psychologists. Your nefarious scheme will never succeed!
Miss Wormwood opens the locker, and Stupendous Man comes out. Calvin spells stupendous, with a meaning for each letter. He gets stuck near the end and can't finish. Miss Wormwood brings Calvin back to class, complaining teachers need to also be psychologists.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAR 1993
Stupendous Man escapes! A crimson bold bursts through the air! Calvin, come back here! Now it's off to apply my stupendous powers of concentration to the history test of my alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! TA-DAA! Have no fear, boys and girls! I'm Stupendous Man, champion of liberty and justice! Try to restrain yourselves, girls! I'm just here to do Calvin's test. He lives on YOUR street, doesn't he? I hardly even KNOW him, Candance!
Stupendous Man escapes from Miss Wormwood. He enters the classroom to do Calvin's test. Susie tells a classmate that she doesn't hardly even know Calvin.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAR 1993
Stupendous Man's stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The cotton gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long, kids! Always brush your teeth! Kapwinggg! Class, did Calvin come in here?! Has anyone seen him? Here I am, Miss Wormwood! Boy, was I thirsty!
Stupendous Man answers the test questions, then runs out of the classroom. On the way, he reminds the kids to always brush their teeth. The class sits with stunned expressions on their faces. Miss Wormwood comes in asking if Calvin has come in. Calvin walks in behind her, out of the Stupendous Man costume, wiping his mouth from his long drink.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAR 1993
AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! You've got the wrong guy! I'm Calvin! I didn't do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! I'm not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class, YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! I've been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was, I always just say, "Fine," and change the subject. NO! NO!
Susie sits at her desk while she hears Calvin say they have the wrong guy. Calvin claims they want Stupendous Man. Calvin, still fighting with Miss Wormwood, asks the class to tell her it wasn't him. Susie thinks that when her Mom asks how the day at school was, she'll just say "fine" and change the subject.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAR 1993
So the teacher told Mom and Mom hit the roof and took away my costume. Yikes. Um... has Stupendous Man EVER won a battle? Well, they're all MORAL victories. One can't be picky. Oh, and I flunked the test, too.
Calvin explains to Hobbes that Mom took his costume away. Hobbes asks if Stupendous Man has ever won a battle. Calvin says they're moral victories. Calvin tells him that he also flunked the test.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAR 1993
Sssss ssssss. If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is.
Spaceman Spiff is pursued by hostile aliens. Spiff dives toward the mysterious world below. The aliens are still on his trail. He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow. Calvin is under a table, with Mom grabbing at his feet. Calvin says the ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable. Mom says Calvin is going to bed if she has to chase him all night.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1993
They're snowmen prophets of doom. You certainly take the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.
Calvin builds snowmen prophets of doom. They hold signs saying "the end is near" and "spring is coming". They're partially melted. Mom says he takes the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAR 1993
ATCHOOO! Uh oh. I'm leaking brain lubricant.
Calvin sneezes, then looks at the tissue. He says he's leaking brain lubricant.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAR 1993
Look, Hobbes. There's a quiz in my new issue of Chewing magazine. "Does your gum deliver? 10 questions show what you could be missing!" Let's see how my gum does. "1. How hard is your gum at the beginning? A) Rock-like or brittle B) Pleasantly firm C) Squishy or bendy." Hmm... my gum is pretty hard at first. I'll mark "A". Gosh, I've got a negative five points already! I'm not getting all the performance I'm entitled to! I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
Calvin shows Hobbes his new issue of Chewing Magazine. He starts a quiz to determine if his gum delivers. Calvin starts, then notices he's got negative five points already. He complains he's not getting all the gum performance he's entitled to. Hobbes wonders what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAR 1993
OK, you've all read the chapter, so let's review. Calvin, where was the Byzantine Empire? I'll take "Outer Planets" for $100.
Miss Wormwood starts the class review of the chapter. She asks Calvin where the Byzantine Empire was. Calvin thinks, then answers that he'll take "Outer Planets" for $100.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1993
MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! What's wrong? What's the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is, it's all that's keeping me from strangling you right now. Mom's midnight assurances are never very reassuring.
At night, Calvin yells for Mom to come quick. When she gets to his room, he asks her if she thinks love is a biochemical reaction designed to make sure genes get passed on. Sleepily, she says whatever it is, it's keeping her from strangling him right now. After she leaves, Calvin says Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1993
When you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and that's all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is "normal". Ahh, what a day! Up at 6:00, a 10-mile run in the sleet, and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well, maybe "normal" is too strong a word. I think we'd know normal if we saw it.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe "normal" is too strong a word.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1993
Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Calvin runs after cows in a chute, runs around a wheel like a hamster, walks like a robot, and is a fish gasping for air. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad to see him. Hobbes asks if he had another typical school day.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1993
Rrgggh... 125... Oof. Rrrggh... 5,200! Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it FEELS like.
Calvin is doing a pushup. He counts 125. He does another, and he counts 5200. He says exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it feels like.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1993
I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to wait for the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to listen to the teacher. I don't want to study. I don't want any tests. I don't want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
In bed, Calvin doesn't want to get up or wait for the bus. Standing for the bus, he doesn't want to go to school or listen to the teacher. At school, he doesn't want to study or get homework. When he gets back home, Mom asks how his day was. Calvin says it pitched a perfect no-hitter.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1993
You know, ther emust be thousands of animal species, and of ALL of them, only humans wear clothes. Isn't that weird? I wonder why other animals don't wear clothes. If our naked pink butts showed, we probably would. Our butts are just fine!
As Calvin gets undressed for a bath, he tells Hobbes of all the animal species, only humans wear clothes. He wonders why other animals don't wear clothes. Hobbes thinks if their naked pink butts showed, they would.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1993
I'm going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Let's just leave it that I'm done. Back to your room, buster.
Calvin tells Mom he's going outside. She asks if he's done with his homework. He says yes. She asks if he read the whole chapter. Calvin replies they should just leave it that he's done. Mom tells him to go back to his room.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1993
I'll bet SOME kids walk around corners without even thinking about it. That was a rotten trick.
In the house, Calvin walks along, then stops to take off his shirt. When he gets to a corner, he holds his shirt out and Hobbes pounces on it. Calvin says some kids walk around corners without thinking about it. Hobbes, chewing and tearing the shirt, says that was a rotten trick.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1993
Gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. That's an impression we like to cultivate.
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. Hobbes is in the air behind Calvin, on his way to pouncing. Hobbes thinks that's an impression they like to cultivate.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1993
Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1993
Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick, unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. It's a barrage of non-linear free association. I guess they're admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the American attention span by a good 14 seconds. Huh? Are you still talking about that?
Calvin watches TV and tells Hobbes the commercials are quick, unrelated images. He says it's a barrage of nonlinear free association. Hobbes says it looks like they're admitting a 15 second commercial exceeds the American attention span by 14 seconds. Calvin asks if he's still talking about that.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1993
Scientific names? Sure. Scientists come up with great, wild theories, but then they give them dull, unimaginative names. For example, scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass, so what do they call it? "DARK matter"! Duhh! I tell you, there's a fortune to be made here! I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark! Instead of making an idiot of yourself, why don't you go find me some scientists?
Calvin is selling scientific names for a dollar. He tells Hobbes scientists are great for theories, but they give them dull names. He tells Hobbes scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass. They call it "dark matter". Calvin says there's a fortune to be made. Hobbes says he likes to say "quark". He says it several times. Calvin tells him that instead of making an idiot of himself to go find him some scientists.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1993
Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drings Mallox straight from the bottle.
Calvin protests his "C" grade to Miss Wormwood. He says he got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society that's doing outstanding. He says if industry was 75% competent, they'd be ecstatic. He demands an "A". Calvin thinks it's really gross that she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1993
History will thank me for keeping this journal at such a young age. As one of those rare individuals destined for true greatness, this record of my thoughts and convictions will provide invaluable insight into budding genius. Think of it! A priceless historical document in the making! Wow! ... so who ELSE should I add to my list of total jerks? Who else do you even know?
Calvin is keeping a journal. As a person destined for greatness, his thoughts and convictions will be invaluable insight into budding genius. He tells Hobbes it's a priceless historical document in the making. He asks Hobbes who else he should add to his list of jerks. Hobbes asks who else he even knows.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1993
Wait, Dad! I've got a great idea! Don't shave next to your mouth, OK? Let the whiskers grow about a foot long and then wax 'em so they stick straight out! Then you'll look like a big cat! Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Preposterous!
Dad is shaving, and Calvin suggests he doesn't shave next to his mouth. He should let his whiskers grow, then wax them so they stick straight out. He'll look like a big cat. Dad just looks at him. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Hobbes thinks that's preposterous.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1993
"Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright, in the forests of the night." Blake wrote that. Apparently the tiger was on fire. Maybe his tail got struck by lightning or something. Flammable felines -- what a weird subject for poetry. That is why I try to sleep through most of the day.
Calvin tells Hobbes a line from the poet Blake that talks about tigers burning bright in the forests of the night. Calvin thinks the tiger was on fire, probably from lightning. He walks away thinking flammable felines are a weird subject for poetry. Hobbes lies back down and says that's why he tries to sleep through most of the day.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1993
Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
Calvin is snatched from bed by a robot. He's dropped into a cleaning machine, then he's sent to the kitchen by turbo chute. Dad takes off for work on his jet pack. He says he'll be home for dinner unless the shuttle is late from his moon meeting. Mom asks Calvin to put on his jacket. She asks why he's standing there. As Mom puts a jacket on Calvin, she wishes he'd try to stay in the present. Calvin sighs.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1993
BORRRING. Yeah, yeah... Kill the messenger.
Calvin sits at his school desk, fighting off sleep. He finally yells "borrring". On his way to the principal's office, he says they're killing the messenger.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1993
Hello, county library? Reference desk, please. Thank you. Hello? Yes, I need a book on painting theory and technique. Specifically, I'm interested in graffiti. Is there a book that explains the proper use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans? What on earth do they spend their money on over there?
Calvin calls the library reference desk. He needs a book on painting theory. He's specifically interested in graffiti. He asks for a book that explains use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans. He walks off wondering what on earth they spend their money on over there.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1993
Calvin: Memoirs of a Six-Year-Old. My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits, about which I have many profound insights. But frankly, none of it is any of your darn business, so butt out! The end. Do publishers demand that manuscripts be typed? I wouldn't sweat it.
Calvin writes his memoirs. He writes his life is a series of amazing exploits, about which he has profound insights. But none of it is their business, so butt out. The end. Calvin asks if it's true publishers demand that manuscripts be typed. Looking at the memoirs, Hobbes says he wouldn't sweat it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1993
AAUGH! The peanut butter is ruined! You're supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom, so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end! What on earth for? It's a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth! Maybe you should make your own sandwiches. If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally?
Calvin looks at the peanut butter jar and says it's ruined. He says you're supposed to scoop half straight down, then dig the other side from the bottom. Mom asks why. Calvin says it's a ritual to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth. She suggests he make his own sandwiches. Calvin says if you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. He asks if she cut the bread diagonally.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1993
AAAUGH! AAUGHH! Something's crawling down my left! Get it out! ... oh, it's just a couple of pennies. I've got a hole in my pocket. *Whew* You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running lose in your pants. Another reason not to wear 'em.
Walking along, Calvin yells that something's crawling down his leg. He finds it's just a couple of pennies. He has a hole in his pocket. Calvin tells Hobbes you never know when a crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. Hobbes says that's another reason not to wear them.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1993
Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners? No, I think they're just quick studies. Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks babies are born sinful. Hobbes says he thinks they're just quick studies. Calvin says whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1993
Z Z. Boy, rough life, huh? What have YOU done today?! People!
Calvin has a lemonade stand, charging $15 a glass. Susie asks how he justifies that. Calvin says supply and demand. Susie doesn't see any demand. Calvin explains that as stockholder in the enterprise, he demands monstrous profit. As CEO of the company, he demands an exorbitant salary. As an employee, he demands a high wage and lots of benefits. Susie complains it looks like he threw a lemon in some sludge water. Calvin had to cut expenses somewhere to stay competitive. Susie asks what happens if she got sick from it. Calvin says he stands behind the motto "caveat emptor". Susie walks away. Calvin complains anti-business types like her who ruin the economy. Later, Calvin tells Mom he needs to be subsidized.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1993
The TV listings say this movie has "adult situations". What are adult situations? Probably things like going to work, paying bills and taxes, taking responsibilities... Wow! They don't kid around when they say "For mature audiences." I've never understood how those movies make any money.
Looking at TV listings, Calvin asks Hobbes what "adult situations" are. Hobbes thinks they're probably going to work, paying bills, and taking responsibilities. Calvin says they don't kid around when they say "for mature audiences". Hobbes never understood how those movies ever made money.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1993
BANG WHANG CLANG ZANG PANG BLANG. WILL YOU STOP THAT AWFUL RACKET?! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! ... and a check mark for Tuesday!
Calvin bangs on a pot with a spoon. He keeps doing it. Mom yells for him to stop that racket. He's driving her crazy. Calvin puts another check mark on his calendar for the day.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1993
Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? My generation doesn't absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids? Turn to page 21, class. At least televisions understand us.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that since his generation doesn't absorb information this way, could she reduce everything to factoids. Miss Wormwood goes on. Calvin says at least their televisions understand them.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1993
I hate it when it's this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when I'm talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! It's so rude! Why do they think I'm talking?! It's so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation, it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot.
Walking in the wind, Hobbes says he hates it when it's so windy. Calvin says he hates when he's talking and someone turns the conversation to himself. It's so rude. He's talking about himself, so who cares what they have to say. Hobbes looks at him. Calvin also hates it when people look at him bug-eyed.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1993
How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol hordes got bored?
Calvin tries to write a poem. How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol hordes got bored? He looks at the paper, then crumples it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1993
No sense putting it off. It's time for spring cleaning. Good for you. What about the HOUSE? What ABOUT the house?
Dad says he's not putting off spring cleaning. Later, Mom sees him cleaning his bicycle. She asks what about the house. Dad doesn't know what she's talking about.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1993
I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
An airliner's engines explode. The aircraft plummets out of control. A train jumps the tracks. Both the jet and train are converging on one spot where the tectonic plates in the earth's crust are shifting. At that spot is Farmer Brown, unaware of a gas leak as he lights his stove. As he strikes the match, he glances out the window. Calvin has a toy train and plane heading for a log cabin Hobbes is holding. Hobbes asks if they can play something else.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1993
It's a funny world, Hobbes. True. But it's not a hilarious world. ...unless you like sick humor. The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says it's a funny world. They fly into the air. Calvin says it's not a hilarious world. Hobbes says "unless you like sick humor". Lying smashed up on the ground, Calvin says the world is funnier to people who don't live here.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1993
Oh good, a true or false test! At last, some clarity! Every sentence is either pure, sweet truth or a vile, contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between!
Calvin gets a true or false test. He's glad there is clarity. Each sentence is either the truth or a lie. He looks at the questions. He tosses a coin.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1993
I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. Why is that? I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists. Oh really? Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want. It's nice to have that cleared up. Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's at peace with the world and is serene. He has discovered his purpose in life. He's here so everybody can do what Calvin wants. Calvin says once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1993
Ahh, spring! I say let's move on to summer.
Calvin is happy it's spring. Suddenly, the wind blows, and it starts to rain. Calvin runs inside the house. He grabs his comic book and says they should move on to summer.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1993
I thrive on change. YOU?! You threw a fit this morning because your Mom put less jelly on your toast than yesterday! I thrive on making OTHER people change.
In the wagon, Calvin says he thrives on change. Hobbes says Calvin had a fit that morning because Mom put less jelly on his toast than yesterday. Calvin clarifies he thrives on making other people change.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1993
Eww, mud. Look at this gooshy, dirty, slimy, thick wet muck. Blecchh. Talk about a kid magnet.
Calvin sees a mud puddle and says "Eww". He pokes it with a stick, saying it's dirty and slimy. He walks off. He turns around saying it's a kid magnet.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1993
True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says some people are born lucky and some unlucky. He says you can't fight luck. Hobbes points out they're heading for the cliff. Calvin says that's bad luck. Hobbes jumps out. Calvin says you go along, minding your own business, and your luck runs out. As he bounces over the cliff, he says if you're unlucky, you're condemned to suffer. From the top of the cliff, Hobbes says he landed in the pricker bushes, just like yesterday. Calvin says maybe his luck will change tomorrow.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1993
Susie, I think it's only fair to tell you that there is absolutely no way I would even CONSIDER asking you to the senior prom. That's eleven YEARS from now! I figure that might give you enough time to find somebody who will. If I'd known her longer, I could've given her more notice.
Calvin tells Susie there is no way he'd consider asking her to the senior prom. Susie says that's eleven years away. Calvin figures that will give her enough time to find somebody who will. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin says if he'd known her longer, he'd have given her more notice.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1993
Z. I think tigers are actually classified as liquids. Har har.
Calvin sees Hobbes sprawled sleeping on the chair. He tells Hobbes that tigers are actually classified as liquids.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1993
"F"?! It seems to me that if I'm not learning this material, you must not be a very good teacher! Wogga muk gubba pum wup! Boo! Gop! What??
Calvin gets a grade of "F". He complains that if he's not learning the material, Miss Wormwood must not be a very good teacher. She says something, but Calvin imagines Spaceman Spiff facing a horrible alien. After she's finished, Calvin asks what she just said.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1993
Is this milk spoiled? Smell it and see. I'M not going to smell it! YOU smell it! Oh, for goodness' sake. Here... it's fine. I don't take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
Calvin asks if the milk is spoiled. Mom tells him to smell it to find out. He won't. Mom checks it, and she says it's fine. Calvin says he doesn't take chances on products that print the date you might expire.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1993
Curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. For example, you know how milk comes out your nose if you laugh while drinking? Well, I'm going to see what happens when I inhale milk INTO my nose and laugh! Idiocy is the essence of the male mind. I'm guessing it will shoot out my ears. Don't you want to see??
Calvin tells Susie that curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. He asks Susie if she knows how milk comes out your nose when you laugh while drinking. He puts straws into his nostrils and says he's going to see what happens when he inhales milk into his nose, then laughs. Susie says idiocy is the essence of the male mind.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1993
I think I'll count all the rocks I can find. 400 trillion and three, 400 trillion and four, 400 trillion and five...Wow, I bored myself awake.
Calvin starts to count all the rocks he can find. He gets to 400 trillion and five, then wakes up. He says he bored himself awake.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1993
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Calvin gets out of bed and runs past Mom saying he's up. She chases Calvin, telling him to go to bed. He climbs under the chair and around an end table. Mom grabs him and takes him to bed. Calvin yells that he's not tired and wants to stay up. Mom collapses, exhausted, on the chair downstairs. Calvin, in bed, says Mom has to earn a night's respite from him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1993
Want to help me make a poster? Sure. What's it for? It's a school contest. We're supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! We'll be rich! And then there's the fame and glory! I tell you, this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. What's our winning poster going to say? That's where YOU come in.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help with a safety poster he's doing for school. The winner gets five dollars. Calvin says they'll be rich. This could be the ticket to fame and glory. Hobbes asks what the poster will say. Calvin informs Hobbes that's where he comes in.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1993
Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas? How about, "Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!" I'll check the statistics, but I don't think that happens to many people. There's more to this world than just people, you know.
Calvin says the safety poster has to promote awareness. Hobbes suggests not looking at headlights and freezing, because you'll get run over or shot. Calvin says he'll check the statistics, but he doesn't think that happens to many people. Hobbes informs him there is more in the world than just people.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1993
Hey Dad, I'm doing a traffic safety poster. Do you have any ideas for a slogan? Sure! "Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!" Thanks, Dad. I'll go ask Mom. Why? That's a GREAT slogan!
Calvin asks Dad for a poster suggestion. Dad, putting his cycling helmet on for a ride, suggests cyclists have a right to the road, you polluting maniacs. Calvin says he'll go ask Mom.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1993
Mom suggested the slogan, "Before you cross, look each way... and you'll get home safe each day." That's kind of catchy. Yeah, but I like MY idea better. "Be careful, or be roadkill!" I suppose that lends itself more to your particular brand of illustration. I hope I have enough cadmium red.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom suggested looking both ways before crossing. Hobbes likes it, but Calvin likes his idea better. Be careful, or be roadkill. Hobbes supposes that lends itself to Calvin's brand of illustration. Calvin looks at his crayons and hopes he has enough cadmium red.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1993
With my great slogan and your great artwork, this traffic safety poster is a shoe-in for first prize! A solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. What should we spend the prize money on? Of course, technical skill alone isn't enough. A picture needs depth of feeling. I think I'll blog it all on jaw breakers and comic books. I'll draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster.
As Hobbes draws the poster, Calvin figures they'll win first prize. Hobbes says a solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. Calvin wonders what to spend the prize money on. Hobbes says a picture also needs depth of feeling. Calvin thinks he'll spend it all on jaw breakers and comic books. Hobbes will draw stars to show pain and human suffering. Calvin says with talent like theirs, the world is their oyster.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1993
There! Finished! Hey, that's terrific! When we win first prize, I'll give you 25% of the winnings. WHAT?! I did all the drawing! YOU should get 25% But it was MY great idea! We'll split 60-40. 50-50. Oh, all right, BE selfish! A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
Hobbes is finished drawing the safety poster. Calvin says he'll give Hobbes 25% of the winnings. Hobbes says since he did all the drawing, Calvin should get 25%. Calvin said it was his idea. Hobbes offers a 50/50 split. Calvin calls him selfish. As he walks off, Calvin says a good compromise leaves everybody mad.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1993
ATCHOO! Booger balls are illegal! Whap! First base! Fifth! Ninth! Puff puff ELEVENTH! puff TWENTY-FIFTH! Calvin's going for home! Too late! You're out! I think we need to change the rules. Oh, you want to play the sissy way now, I bet.
Calvin's meal attacks him and swallows him. It chews Calvin up, then spits out a skull and bone. Mom says it was revolting, but Dad says it worked. They dance. Calvin looks at a plate of food and claims they're trying to kill him with that stuff. Mom says he doesn't have to eat it, but she's not making anything else.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1993
Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didn't waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. "Be careful or be roadkill!" That's really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce!
Calvin tells Susie that he's going to win the safety poster contest. He shows Susie the poster. She thinks it's disgusting. She asks what is on his poster. He tells her it's chunky spaghetti sauce.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1993
Who would like to show his or her traffic poster first? I WOULD! I WOULD! All right, Calvin. Step up front. Thank you! My poster says, "Be careful, or be roadkill!" Drawn in patent-pending "3-D gore-o-rama", this picture will actually attract flies, because the drawing is splattered with spaghetti sauce! I can see you're all just sick about your chances of winning.
Miss Wormwood asks who would like to show his poster first. Calvin volunteers. Calvin announces it's drawn in "3-D Gore-o-rama". He says the poster will actually draw flies because of the spaghetti sauce. Calvin can see the class is just sick about their chances of winning.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1993
Well Hobbes, all we have to do now is wait for the judges to award our poster first prize, and we'll be rolling in moolah and prestige. You know, we really ought to enter more contests. I never realized how much fun it is to win! But we haven't won YET. But we WILL, and then everyone will know how great we are. Don't they already? Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
Calvin tells Hobbes they just have to wait for the judges to award them first prize. Calvin thinks they should enter more contests. He didn't realize how much fun it would be to win. Hobbes reminds him they haven't won yet. Calvin says they will, then people will know how great they are. He says people only recognize greatness when an authority confirms it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1993
Look Calvin, My poster WON! HUH?!
Calvin imagines various news articles on his winning the poster contest. Susie walks up to Calvin and shows that her poster won. Calvin is shocked.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1993
Our poster didn't win? I still can't believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start! Well, the important thing is that we tried our best. The IMPORTANT thing is that we LOST! Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers. What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?
Calvin can't believe he didn't win. He claims the judges were biased. Hobbes tells him the important thing was they tried their best. Calvin retorts the most important thing was that they lost. Hobbes says he forgets the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1993
Dad, my poster didn't win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board, have them declare a fraud, and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? You've been watching athletic shoe ads again, haven't you?
Calvin complains to Dad that the poster contest was rigged. Calvin wants Dad to call the school board and make Susie give the prize to him. Dad explains losing is a part of life. He tells Calvin to be a good sport and keep things in perspective. He says winning isn't everything. Calvin asks if that's really what they believe on the planet he's from.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1993
The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Right before impact, Calvin stoops down to pick up a dime. Hobbes tumbles over him, stops, scratches himself, stretches, then walks off. Calvin says Hobbes would love for him to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1993
I know more about the private lives of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me. I'm interested in things that are none of my business, and I'm bored by things that are important to know. The media aim to please. Maybe the economy should be discussed in cheap motel rooms.
Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he knows more about celebrity lives than any governmental policy that will affect him. He says he's interested in things that aren't his business, and he's bored with things that are important to know. Hobbes tells him the media aim to please.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1993
A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about "excessively negative people"? Yeah, that's a good one. ...HEY!
Calvin is making a list of a million things that bother him. Mushy bananas, skin on pudding, raisins, etc. Hobbes offers "excessively negative people". Calvin likes that. Then he realizes what Hobbes meant.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1993
Want to see me juggle? I can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once! HUHH! ACKPTH! Notice I didn't say I could do it for very long. This rug must need a thicker pad.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see him juggle. He can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once. He tosses them into the air. They all fall down on him and the carpet. Calvin says he didn't say he could do it very long. Hobbes thinks the carpet needs a thicker pad.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1993
This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat, a question arises when glancing thereat. Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank, he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank! AAAUGH
Hobbes lies on the floor. Calvin says a poem about the tiger sprawled still and flat. He asks if he's asleep, and to be frank, he says Hobbes looks like he was creamed by a tank. Calvin walks off. Hobbes pounces.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1993
Do you believe in evolution? No. You don't think humans evolved from monkeys? I sure don't see any difference. Woo hoo hoo!
Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in evolution. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks if he doesn't think humans evolved from monkeys. Hobbes says he doesn't see any difference. He runs off laughing while Calvin chases him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1993
There's nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh.
Calvin complains there isn't anything good on television. Dad tells him to turn it off. Calvin asks if he should sit and stare at a blank screen all day. Dad kicks Calvin out of the house.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1993
I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
Calvin puts some jelly on a slice of toast, then throws the toast. Hobbes leaps past Calvin to messily eat the toast on the floor. Hobbes says he likes breakfast on the run. Mom angrily drags Calvin, carrying a mop and bucket, to the mess. Calvin pleas that it's their nature. Mom wonders why he can't eat at the table like a civilized human being.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1993
Let's find some slugs and worms. Why do we want to find slugs and worms? Because they're gross. That's why one AVOIDS slugs and worms. If we avoid them, we can't dare each other to eat one. Toodle-oo. What's the matter with you?! You don't like FUN?!
Calvin wants to dig for slugs and worms because they're gross. Hobbes thinks that's why they avoid them. Calvin explains that if they avoid them, they can't dare each other to eat one. Hobbes turns and runs away. Calvin asks if he doesn't like to have fun.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1993
Hey Susie! Do you dare me to eat this worm?? Just one? Um... well, yeah. Don't you think that's disgusting? See him wriggle? Eating five at once would be disgusting. I don't know about just one. You want me to eat FIVE?! Geeeez! Who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary?!
Calvin asks Susie if she dares him to eat a worm. Susie thinks eating five would be disgusting, but she doesn't know about just one. Calvin is shocked she wants him to eat five. He goes to dig more worms. He wonders who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1993
OK, Susie, I got five worms. But it will cost you 50 cents to see me eat them. 50 cents?! I'd only pay 50 cents if you ate 50 worms. That's a penny a worm. Right. I'll give you a nickel to eat those five. Five cents?! What if I have to go to the hospital because of this? Oh, all right. I'll throw in another nickel if you go to the hospital. ...not so fast! First, prove you even HAVE two nickels!
Calvin has five worms and tells Susie she'll have to pay 50 cents to see him eat them. Susie says she'll pay a penny a worm. Calvin asks what happens if he goes to the hospital because of eating the worms. Susie offers another nickel if he goes to the hospital. Calvin wants to see the two nickels first.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1993
OK, give me the nickel and I'll eat the worms. No, you eat the worms and THEN I'll give you the nickel. How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job? Sorry! You don't get paid until you do the work. Man, you'd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots! Usually, if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.
Calvin asks for the nickel to eat the worms. Susie says she'll pay after he eats the worms. He asks for two cents up front. Susie won't pay until he does the work. Calvin thinks the guy eating the worms would call the shots. Susie offers that if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1993
Ready? Five worms down the hatch! Here goes! Closer... closer... wriggling, squirming, dirty, slimy worms! Closer... closer! Boy, they're really close now! How revolting! Closer... closer! Um... feel free to run away screaming any time. Not with my nickel at stake.
Calvin starts to eat the worms. He pauses, explaining how slimy and dirty the worms are. He peeks at Susie while saying how much closer he's getting to eating the worms. He tells Susie she can run away screaming at any time. Susie won't with her nickel on the line.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1993
Calvin, WHAT are you doing? I'm eating worms for a nickel! No you're not! Time for you to come home! And Susie, it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. AW MOM, YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING! What a relief! Thanks Mom. Great timing. If I haven't seen you for two minutes, I figure there's trouble.
Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells her he's eating worms for a nickel. Mom says he isn't, and she takes him home. Mom tells Susie it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. Calvin is relieved. He thanks Mom. Mom says if she hasn't seen him in two minutes, there's trouble.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1993
How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to "tie his shoe". He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1993
Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol' heartstrings. Some of these I haven't personally experienced, sad to say.
Calvin writes the little joys of life. Petting a dog, reading a comic book, smiling when a kid calls you a nasty name and you punch his teeth down his neck. Hobbes reads Calvin's list and says he pulls the ol' heartstrings.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1993
Look, Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice, here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also, I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase, explosion, murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less, hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
Calvin says the world is like TV. He says the colors outside are less intense and the people are uglier. He can go minutes without a car chase, murder, or explosion. Hobbes asks why he would settle for less as Calvin watches his favorite deodorant commercial.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1993
You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me.
Calvin sits behind a box reading "Candid Opinions". Susie walks by, and Calvin calls her a bug-eyed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt. Lying on his smashed box, Calvin suggests volunteer social work isn't for him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1993
Today for show and tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show you the card, you yell the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ...Ready? She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
Calvin has some flash cards he made for show and tell. Each card has a letter with some dashes. The class is supposed to yell the vulgar word they stand for. At his desk, Calvin grouses about Miss Wormwood being such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1993
I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right! Do I have career options or what? I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.
Calvin believes greed justifies everything. He says private lives are legitimate public entertainment, and the lowest common denominator is always right. He asks Hobbes if he has career options, or what. Hobbes thinks he needs to start hanging around with other animals.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1993
Ooh! Ahh! Eee! POP. It could've happened! Only corn does that. Add some cold water and get back in the tub.
Getting in the bathtub, Calvin heats up and pops. Downstairs wrapped in a towel, he tells Mom it could have happened. Mom tells him that only corn does that. She suggests he add cold water and get back in the tub.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1993
Historical marker. "Calvin's house". In January, some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? I'M not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if you'll excuse me, duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of mega-might is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home, Mom.
An alien beams down from his spaceship and talks to Calvin, but he doesn't understand. The alien attacks Calvin. Calvin runs into his house and hides in the corner while the alien comes to him. The alien notices the television, so Calvin turns it on for him. The alien is happy, and Calvin is relieved. The alien beams back to his spaceship. Dad turns off the television and complains to Calvin about it being on. Calvin tries to explain.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1993
I'm not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! I've decided to be a "hunter-gatherer" when I grow up! I'll be living naked in a tropical forest, subsisting on berries, grubs, and the occasional frog, and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a "hunter-gatherer" when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1993
Miss Wormwood, I have a question about this math lesson. Yes? Give that, sooner or later, we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers? Turn to page 83, class. Nobody likes us "big picture" people.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what the point of learning integers is if they're all just going to die. Miss Wormwood ignores him. He grouses that nobody likes "big picture" people.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1993
The problem with people is they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters! I see why people don't like to look at the big picture. Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
Calvin tells Hobbes people don't look at the big picture. He says everyone will die, the sun will explode, and they're all doomed. He says existence is temporary and nothing matters. Hobbes sees why people don't like to look at the big picture. Calvin says it puts a bad day in perspective.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1993
Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if they can arrange their seats in a circle and have a discussion of whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. Sitting with a dunce cap in the corner, Calvin says they'd rather teach stuff any fool can look up in a book.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1993
I flunked a test today. But I don't mind. No? It's a question of priorities, Hobbes. A man's got to make room for what he cares about. These days are precious, and I'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. I never really thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Apparently, neither has Dad.
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he failed a test but doesn't mind. Calvin says a man has to make room for what he cares about. The days are precious, so he'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. Hobbes never thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Calvin tells him neither has Dad.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1993
You know why birds don't write their memoirs? Because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why! Who'd want to read what a bird does? Nobody, that's who! This is changing the subject, but have you ever noticed how somebody can say something totally loony and not be aware of it? What are you supposed to do, just let it slide?? Sometimes if you wait, he'll top himself. I say just punch 'im then and there!
Calvin asks Hobbes why birds don't write their memoirs. Calvin says nobody would want to read what a bird does. Calvin then asks Hobbes if he's noticed how some people can say something loony and not be aware of it. He asks if you're supposed to do. Hobbes offers that if you wait, he'll top himself.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1993
Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! It's impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! You're still wrong, Dad.
Calvin is writing a self-help book. He tells Hobbes you convince people there's something wrong with them, and that the problem isn't their fault. Lastly, you convince them that with your guidance, they can conquer their problem and be happy. Hobbes asks what problem he's going to help people solve. Calvin says their addiction to self-help books. His book is called "Shut Up and Stop Whining: How to Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself". Hobbes thinks he should wait for the advance before buying anything. Calvin says if his program works, he can't write a sequel.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1993
THIS IS A BIG, FAT WASTE OF MY TIME! HELLPP!! IT'S THE THOUGHT POLICE!
In class, Calvin shouts that this is a big waste of his time. Later, he yells it's the thought police as hands try to grab him back into the classroom.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1993
Want to hear a joke? Sure! OK, this guy goes into a bar. No, wait, he doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. OK, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd, I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget, but it was funny. I'll try to imagine it. Yeah, you'll really laugh.
Calvin tells Hobbes a joke, or tries to. He starts it with a guy going into a bar. Calvin stops, then says it's a grocery store. Then, he decides it doesn't matter. Calvin says it's in the vicinity of a bar. He continues by saying there's a dog who says something odd, but Calvin doesn't remember what it was. Then the guy says something Calvin can't remember. He tells Hobbes it was funny. Hobbes offers to try to imagine it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1993
Hello? Hello. Is your mother home? What business is it of YOURS, jerk?! SLAM! Some people sure are nosy. I left three messages today, and nobody returned my call. How rude.
Calvin answers the phone. When the caller asks if Mom is home, Calvin slams the phone down after asking what business is it of theirs. He walks off saying people are sure nosy. Mom says she left three messages, and nobody has returned her calls. Calvin says people are rude.
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10 JUNE 1993
I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh, I don't. If you have a machine, you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls you'd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine, you can just let the phone ring, and eventually the caller gives up and you don't have to talk to him. That wasn't quite my point. That's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so I'm always talking to people.
Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people.
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11 JUNE 1993
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink COW milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? Isn't that weird? I think conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.
With breakfast cereal in hand, Calvin tells Hobbes the more you think of things, the weirder they seem. He asks who the first person was who looked at a cow and said he'd drink whatever comes out of these things when he squeezes them. He asks Hobbes if that isn't weird. Hobbes thinks conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.
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12 JUNE 1993
I've been disempowered. My centering, self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic, co-dependent dysfunctionality! You've been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash. ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?!
Calvin yells that he's been disempowered. His self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic dysfunctionality. Mom says he's been temporarily inconvenienced to take out the trash. Calvin asks if she's saying there's a difference.
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13 JUNE 1993
Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
Calvin puts on his cycling helmet. Calvin's bike sneaks around a tree and attacks him. He runs, but the bike catches up and runs him over. It chases him up a tree, then drags him along behind it. Calvin walks into the house, covered in scratches. He thanks Dad for the helmet. He asks if they sell offensive weapons.
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14 JUNE 1993
No text
Calvin tries to fly a kite. It won't go up. He tosses it aside. He gets a helium balloon and flies that instead.
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15 JUNE 1993
Dad, what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No, but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today.
Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today.
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16 JUNE 1993
What do you think that cloud looks like? A bunch of suspended water and ice particles,... why? Everybody hates a literalist.
Looking at the sky, Susie asks Calvin what that cloud looks like. Calvin replies a bunch of suspended water and ice particles. Susie walks away. Calvin says everybody hates a literalist.
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17 JUNE 1993
Mom, can I have the car keys? No. Can you believe the encyclopedia doesn't have an entry for "hotwire"?
Calvin asks Mom for the car keys. She says no. Calvin runs off, then returns. He tells Mom there isn't an entry in the encyclopedia for "hotwire".
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18 JUNE 1993
When I spit, I get pretty good saliva cohesion, but I'm still not getting much distance or accuracy. I think the problem lies in the mix of phlegm. If you don't get that critical mucus mass, you just... ...Hobbes? Nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he spits, he gets good saliva cohesion, but not much distance. Calvin pushes his nose, saying he thinks the problem is in the mix of phlegm. He says if you don't get that critical mucus mass, it doesn't work. He looks around to find Hobbes gone. Calvin complains nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1993
You know what I like to do when someone's talking to me? I stare at the person's chin. I'll nod and respond to whatever he's saying. But I keep looking at his chin and changing my expression. I look quizzical at first, then vaguely repulsed, and later, quietly amused. Then I'll suddenly arch my eyebrows and blink a lot, and then I look skeptical and disbelieving. You get bonus points every time the person loses his train of thought. I'll bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter.
Calvin tells Hobbes when someone's talking to him, he looks at the person's chin. He nods to whatever is being said, but he keeps looking at the person's chin. He looks quizzical at first, then repulsed. He arches his eyebrows, then looks skeptical and disbelieving. Calvin says you get bonus points when the person loses his train of thought. Hobbes thinks Calvin's natural charm has made him into a good sprinter.
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20 JUNE 1993
Oh Calvin, would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy, some vacation THIS summer is!
Calvin tells Hobbes he loves summer. He has three months of nothing to do. As they climb a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin people say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Calvin resents that. Calvin says they work darn hard at this. In the tree, they have a bunch of water balloons. Below the tree is an "X" marked on the grass. There are signs nearby directing someone to stand there for a big surprise.
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21 JUNE 1993
What if there's no afterlife? Suppose this is all we get? Oh, what the heck. I'll take it anyway. Yeah, but if I'm not going to be eternally rewarded for good behavior, I'd sure like to know NOW.
Lying under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes about what happens if there's no afterlife. What if this is all they get? Hobbes looks around and says he'll take it anyway. Calvin says if he's not going to be eternally rewarded for his behavior, he'd like to know now.
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22 JUNE 1993
Phup phupp phup PHBBTTB. Hey, that was a GOOD one! Thank you. It's funny how you never see Mom and Dad practice these. Phup phup. They're probably good at it already.
Calvin and Hobbes put their hands under their armpits and make noises. Calvin congratulates Hobbes on one of his that was extra loud. Calvin says it's funny he never sees Mom and Dad practicing those. Hobbes figures it's because they're good at it already.
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23 JUNE 1993
I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didn't have any violence, explosive action, or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? It's hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
Calvin tells Hobbes he watched an old movie with Mom last night. There was nothing shocking about the movie at all. Hobbes asks if he liked the movie. Calvin can't say. Not having his emotions manipulated is a weird experience.
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24 JUNE 1993
Thursday, Day 4. Light winds, good humidity. Progress slow, getting discouraged. I'm only burping - not truly BELCHING. Mellow roundness remains elusive. Harmonics coming along with developing amplitude. Hang in there! They say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.
Calvin makes a diary entry. He says he's only burping, not belching. The harmonics are coming with developing amplitude. He tells Hobbes that they say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.
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25 JUNE 1993
The literary world is abuzz about Mabel Syrup's sequel to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." We have to buy it! It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander"! Achitects should be forced to live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories aloud every single night of their rotten lives.
Calvin tells Dad the literary world is abuzz with Mabel Syrup's sequel of "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Calvin says they have to buy it. It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander". Dad says architects should live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories every single night of their rotten lives.
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26 JUNE 1993
Hobbes is laughing in his sleep. Hee hee he. Psst! What's so funny? Zzz... shh, I'm going to pounce on Calvin... zz... hee hee... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, CALVIN!
Calvin sees Hobbes laughing in his sleep. He whispers to Hobbes asking what's so funny. Hobbes mumbles back that he's going to pounce on Calvin. Calvin yells in Hobbes' ear for Calvin to run for his life. It shocks Hobbes awake, and Hobbes chases Calvin.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1993
Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of life's mysterious quirks, Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size, folding the sheet is difficult, but soon Calvin's patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! There's Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dad's attention! I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!"
Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.
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28 JUNE 1993
Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. I'm not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle.
Calvin says Mom and Dad tell him to make his life an example of the principles he believes in. Every time he does, they tell him to stop it. Hobbes says he isn't sure total self-indulgence is a principle.
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29 JUNE 1993
Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, Oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh, look at the spider suck out that bug's juices!
Calvin sees a spider web. He says a poem, praising the web's beauty. He ends the poem by commenting on the spider sucking out the bug's juices.
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30 JUNE 1993
I read that scientists are trying to make computers that THINK. Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines? Irrational behavior. Maybe they'll invent a psychotic computer.
Calvin says scientists are making computers that think. He asks Hobbes what will people be better at than machines. Hobbes offers irrational behavior. Calvin figures they'll invent a psychotic computer.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1993
I need a push! Somebody come and give me a push! RRRGGHHH. Where the heck is the manual override?!
Calvin sits on a swing. He yells out for someone to push him. No one comes. He tries rocking the swing himself to no avail. He gets off the swing and looks for the manual override.
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02 JULY 1993
If you stick your tongue out for a long time, it dries up! Try it! Why would anyone want his tongue to dry up?! Because then it feels really weird when you touch it. I'll take your word for it. Some people just aren't open to revelatory experiences.
Calvin says if you stick your tongue out long enough, it dries up. Hobbes wonders why anyone would want his tongue dried up. Calvin says it feels weird when you touch it. Hobbes says he'll take Calvin's word and walks off. Calvin says some people aren't open to revelatory experiences.
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03 JULY 1993
ZZIZZZZ WHIPP FLIP ZZZZ ZZZZ FWAP! ZIPPPP ZZZZZ. The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no application in real life.
Calvin has a yo-yo. He whips it around and around, ending up perfectly in his hand. Calvin says the only skills he has the patience to learn are things with no real application in life.
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04 JULY 1993
Another day, another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and I've got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like I'm always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. I'd sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic, no schedule, no phone calls... boy, that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin, read a book, go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldn't end if I didn't go into the office today. Days like this don't come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!
Mom pulls an octopus out of the refrigerator. He plungers the creature into a pot, pours gasoline, a shrunken head, paint, and weed killer onto it, then mixes it. At dinner, Calvin pushes his plate away. Mom says she spent over an hour fixing it. Calvin says he saw what went into it, and he's not touching it.
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05 JULY 1993
Can you make a living playing silly games? Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. ...sighhh...
Calvin tosses a baseball into the air, but misses his swing of the bat. He asks Dad if you can make a living playing silly games. Dad tells him you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. Calvin sighs as he tries to hit the ball again.
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06 JULY 1993
I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?
Calvin puts a box, which has drawings on it to look like a computer, over himself. He tells Hobbes he's the world's most powerful computer, and offers to answer any question. Hobbes wonders why the computer wears little red sneakers. Calvin chases Hobbes.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1993
I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Did Calvin clean his room as I asked him to, or did he spend the whole morning playing with a cardboard box? Um... system error... delete question and try again. What happened? Mom booted me up here.
Calvin puts the box over himself, then tells Mom to ask him a question. Mom asks if Calvin cleaned his room or spend the day playing with a cardboard box. Calvin says there was a system error. He says to delete the question and try again. Upstairs, Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says Mom booted him up there.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1993
From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world OWES me happiniess, fulfillment and success. Well, lucky you! Yeah, I'm just here to cash in.
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he won't do anything he doesn't want to. He says the world owes him happiness and fulfillment. Calvin says he's just here to cash in.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1993
What assurance do I have that parenting isn't screwing me up?
Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Calvin asks what assurance he has that their parenting isn't screwing him up.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1993
Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldn't lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason, the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1993
How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
There are several pictures of Calvin and Hobbes floating in the air, dancing. Hopping down from a bed, he says there's nothing like a big bed for dancing. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad don't mind bad springs.
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12 JULY 1993
Gorgeous morning. Huh Dad? Mm. These summer days sure slip by, don't they? Too bad the daily drudgery of making a living has to keep you from appreciating these sublime moments of life. Well, best not to think about it! If you stay healthy, you can enjoy days like this when you retire! See you tonight! Ahhh. Summer!
Calvin tells Dad summer days sure slip by. He says too bad the daily drudgery of making a living keeps Dad from appreciating these sublime moments of life. As Dad leaves for work, Calvin tells him not to think about it. If he stays healthy, Dad can enjoy days like this when he retires. Later, under a tree, Calvin and Hobbes are lying. Calvin is glad it's summer.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1993
Look what I've got! What is it? It's the box a bar of soap comes in. It's a tradition that when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. You'd probably be more impressive if you tried using the soap. Let me know if you see any multitudes.
Calvin shows Hobbes the box a bar of soap comes in. Calvin says it's a tradition when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. Hobbes says Calvin would be more impressive if he tried using the soap. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him know if he sees any multitudes.
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14 JULY 1993
I have a very sarcastic mother.
Mom dresses Calvin in his raincoat and cap. Calvin goes to the kitchen to eat his soup. Calvin says he has a very sarcastic mother.
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15 JULY 1993
My elbows are grass-stained, I've got sticks in my hair, I'm covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... I've got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt, my hands are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I'm hot, dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it!
Calvin's elbows are grass-stained, he has bites and scratches, sand in his socks, and leaves in his shirt. His hands are sticky with sap. He's hot, dirty, itchy, and tired. With Calvin in the bathtub, Hobbes says to consider this day seized. Calvin says tomorrow, they'll seize the day and throttle it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1993
I saw your teacher, Miss Wormwood, in the supermarket today. She said to say Hi. You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket? Well certainly. What did you think? I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
Mom tells Calvin she saw Miss Wormwood in the supermarket. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood shops at the supermarket. Mom says yes, what did he think? Calvin figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
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17 JULY 1993
WHAP. Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring y doorbell, hold the bat, and yell, "Ha ha!" Why is that worth ten cents to you?
Calvin tosses a ball into the air, and he hits it with the bat. He looks startled. He pushes Susie to his door, telling her to ring the bell , hold the bat, and yell "Ha, Ha". Susie has the bat in her hand. She asks him why it is worth ten cents to him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1993
Call it. Heads. You said "Tails", right? I said HEADS. What a play! I'll bet it takes you four downs just to get back on the field! I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
In different colors, Hobbes makes comments on how something looks. Hobbes likes the green one. Mom asks what Calvin wants. She looks, then tells him to put them back. Grumpily, Calvin says Mom said no. Hobbes suggests grown-ups have no taste. They had been looking at different sunglasses.
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19 JULY 1993
We don't understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography.
Calvin says history is the fiction they invent to persuade themselves events are knowable and that life has order. Calvin says that's why events are reinterpreted when values change. New versions of history are needed to allow for current prejudices. Hobbes asks what Calvin is writing. Calvin tells him it's a revisionist autobiography.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1993
A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime, ... "high" art! The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work, ... "low" art. A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ... "high" art. Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip? Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ..."low" art.
Calvin looks at a painting on the wall, calling it "high" art. He looks at a comic strip, calling it "low" art. He looks at a painting of a comic strip. He calls it sophisticated irony and "high" art. Hobbes says to suppose a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip. Calvin calls is sophomoric and "low" art as he starts drawing the picture.
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21 JULY 1993
MOMM! HEY, MOM! Calvin, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room, where I am! I stepped in dog doo. Where's the hose?
Calvin yells into the house for Mom. Mom tells him to stop yelling across the house. She says if he wants to talk to her, he can walk to the living room where she is. He does it. He tells Mom he stepped in dog doo and asks where the hose is.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1993
Here's a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way, and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back, and he rights himself and continues on his way. He's focused, determined, and steadfast. If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him.
Calvin looks at a bug walking on the dirt. Calvin puts a rock in its way, and he goes around it. If Calvin flips it on its back, it rights itself and continues on. The bug is steadfast, determined, and focused. Calvin looks at it. He says if the bug is mocking him, he's going to goosh it.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1993
YOWP! AHH! OOH! What a dumb ride, on the hottest days you need the heaviest pands.
Calvin climbs the slide and sits down. It burns him, so he climbs down. He says it's a dumb ride. On the hottest days, you need the heaviest pants.
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24 JULY 1993
I hate going to bed before it's dark out! It's not fair! I'll show Mom and Dad, though! They'll pay for this! If I have to go to bed while it's still light, then I'm going to get up when it's still dark!
Calvin hates going to be before it's dark. He tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad will pay. He says if he has to go to bed while it's still light, he's going to get up when it's still dark.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1993
To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
A Zokk circles above a planet where Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft has crashed. Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land. An alien comes over, tells him to put on sun screen and wear a hat if he's going to be outside. The alien walks off telling Spiff to have some common sense. Mom tells Calvin not to give him that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship, and goes to find a more temperate climate with fewer aliens.
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26 JULY 1993
Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump! Ahh, you've fallen into my trap! Maybe you'd like to take that move over! Your remaining piece must have one heck of a plan.
Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's checkers. Calvin looks at the board and tells Hobbes he's fallen into his trap. Hobbes replies that his remaining piece must have a heck of a plan.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1993
These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Who'd have guessed big brother would go commercial? I love to snicker at other people's tragedy.
Calvin says real-life video programs are great. Ordinary people have horrible experiences, which are broadcast for everyone's viewing amusement. It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one. Hobbes asks who'd have thought Big Brother would go commercial. Calvin loves to snicker at other people's tragedy.
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28 JULY 1993
Dad, what's a control freak? That's what lazy, slipshod, careless, cut-corner workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Am I in the presence of their king? Should I kneel? If anything works in this world, it's because one of us took charge.
Calvin asks Dad what a control freak is. Dad tells him it's what lazy workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Calvin asks if he's in the presence of their king. Dad says if anything works in this world, it's because someone took charge.
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29 JULY 1993
SPLOOSH! AAA! No! Wait! Think about it! Wasn't that refreshing?? I need to work on my salesmanship.
Calvin hits Mom with a water balloon. As she chases him, he asks if that wasn't refreshing. In bed, Calvin says he needs to work on his salesmanship.
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30 JULY 1993
Mom says if I stay up here for two hours, three days a week, I don't have to take any lessons this summer.
In their treehouse, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him if he stays up there for two hours, three days a week, he doesn't have to take any lessons this summer.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1993
I like people. I'm interested in people. YOU?? As an audience, I mean. Oh.
Calvin says he likes people. Hobbes can't believe it. Calvin clarifies he likes people as an audience.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1993
I got a goal! OH, the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now, because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didn't know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You can't see it. It's invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You can't see anything, right? OK, so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact, I'll show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry, this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THAT'S NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah, yeah, anything we make up. Well, you'll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone!
At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1993
This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order! First tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Thank you. "9:30 - Meeting called to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin proposes resolution condemning existence of girls." "9:35 - First tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. 9:36 - Patriotism of first tiger called into question. 9:37 - Philosophical discussion. 10:15 - Bandages administered. Dictator-for-life rebuked for biting." Is this a great club or what? "10:16 - Forgot what the debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of the last meeting. Calvin proposed a resolution condemning existence of girls. First tiger abstains from vote. Patriotism of first tiger called into question. Philosophical discussion, followed by bandages being administered. Hobbes ends with reading they forgot what debate was about, so medals of bravery were awarded to all.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1993
Gentlemen, the purpose of today's meeting is to devise another brilliant plan to annoy our enemy! "Dictator-for-life Calvin's bold proposal is greeted with huzzahs from membership." We have tolerated the enemy's presence too long, I say! "Shouts of asset, much pounding on tables. Three cheers erupt for club ideals. Membership reduced to tears. More huzzahs. Pandemonium ensues. Boy, leading a club is a heady experience. Good meetings always turn into riots.
Today's meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is to devise a plan to annoy the enemy. Hobbes writes the proposal is greeted with huzzahs. Calvin says they've tolerated the enemy's presence too long. Hobbes writes there are shouts of assent, followed by pandemonium. Calvin says leading a club is a heady experience. Hobbes says good minutes turn into riots.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1993
Field scout Calvin reports the enemy was sighted. Engaged in emeny activity, on the sidewalk two doors down. As chief strategist, I suggest... Excuse me. A question from the floor. The chair recognizes first tiger Hobbes. Exactly what "enemy activity" was the enemy engaged in? You know, girl stuff! Ah. Say no more.
G.R.O.S.S. field scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted. Hobbes asks a question. Hobbes asks what activity the enemy was engaged in. Calvin replies "girl stuff". Hobbes says to say no more.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1993
All right, here's the plan! We make up a fake code with fake instructions and see that it "accidentally" falls into Susie's hands! She decodes the message, which says we DON'T want her to go behind our house! Naturally, she'll go there, and we'll be waiting, ready to soak her with water balloons! Why don't we just hit her with water balloons right now, where she's sitting? You're a good officer, Hobbes. But let's face it, you don't have an executive mind. I still think my idea SORT of makes sense...
G.R.O.S.S. makes a plan to write a fake code that "accidentally" will fall into Susie's hands. She'll decode the message saying not to go behind the house, where they'll wait for her with water balloons. Hobbes asks why they just don't hit her with water balloons where she's sitting. Calvin says Hobbes is a good officer, but he doesn't have an executive mind.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1993
Now this is supposed to look like a coded message from me to you, but we'll leave it for Susie to find. Obviously, the code will have to be easy to break, so she can read the disinformation we're giving her. Who about if we write backwards? Yeah, that's good! Dear Hobbes. Gosh, I hope Susie's not too dumb to figure this out. Cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like us.
Calvin writes a coded message. Calvin writes backwards. He hopes Susie isn't too dumb to figure out the code. Hobbes says cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like them.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1993
TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES, IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON, ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message, she'll be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young.
The coded message to Hobbes says their plans will be ruined if Susie goes behind the house at noon. Calvin's regret is blowing the best day of his life while he's so young.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1993
Buttons... check. Dials... check. Switches... check. Little colored lights... check. Calvin, the airline pilot, is tenth in life for takeoff. His patience is at an end! Ignoring the control tower's protests, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes, cutting across less crowded runways! Rounding a corner, he opens the throttle! Stewardesses explaining the aircraft's safety features are hurled to the rear of the plane by the sudden acceleration! All the other planes watch with envy as Calvin takes off ahead of schedule! But what is this?! Another plane has already recieved clearance to land! It's headed for the same runway! It looks like a mid-air collission over a crowded super highway at rush hour! Oh, what a price to pay for his hurry! I'm back! Thanks for waiting so patiently. I could wait even longer if you'd buy me a THIRD plane.
Calvin throws a rock at a bee hive. They chase him. A giant bee comes after him. YOWW! Mom says she doesn't see the "harpoon" that "gored" him, but she does something to help the sting. Calvin says the National Guard can track the bee on radar.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1993
Good! Susie's still playing on the sidewalk! We'll stroll by and "accidentally" drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes, I have a TOP SECRET, CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesn't fall into a GIRL'S hands! If the code is broken and read, our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except she's not picking up the letter.
Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1993
Why isn't Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesn't she SEE it?? What's WRONG with her?! Doesn't she know enough to intercept somebody else's secret letter when it's dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasn't paying attention to us. That's inconceivable! Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1993
Look! Susie sees the letter! She's picking it up! She's reading the envelope! ... she's walking over here... You dropped this letter for Hobbes. Here. Um... gee, thanks. Well, that was awfully decent of her. It's no use! It's no use! Everybody gets good enemies except ME!
Hobbes sees Susie picking up the letter. She walks over, and returns the letter to Calvin. Hobbes says that was awfully decent of her. Calvin bangs his hands on the tree, saying everybody gets good enemies except him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1993
Let's stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN, Hobbes! Yes, lets! It's a good think you have that TOP SECRET, CODED letter, Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE, and I FOUND THE LETTER, I'd PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT, so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! She's opening the letter! Good. I was afraid we'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1993
This must be the coded letter Calvin's trying to get me to read. Hmph, not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. "Dear Hobbes, if Susie goes behind our house at noon, all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin." Gosh, it's almost noon! I'd better hurry over to Calvin's house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! C'mon Hobbes, hurry!
Susie reads the coded note. She's suspicious. She yells that she better hurry over to spoil their plans. Calvin says she fell for it, so off they go.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1993
Oh boy, this is going to be great! Get the water balloons! Hurry! We've got to hide before Susie gets here. Ha ha! She swallowed that fake letter hook, line and sinker! She thinks she's tricking US, but we'll trick HER! We're geniuses, Hobbes! Hee hee! Man, is she in for a surprise! I wonder what's keeping her. She probably got lost.
Calvin and Hobbes grab water balloons. They hide behind a bush. Hobbes wonders what's keeping her. Calvin thinks she got lost.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1993
Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin.
Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1993
It's past noon! Why isn't Susie walking into our brilliant ambush?! Where is she?! You stay here and guard the water balloons. I'll go on a reconnaissance mission and find out what she's doing. Wait a minute. Why can't I go on the reconnaissance mission? Because if you get captured, you'll tell Susie anything for a tummy rub. I MIGHT not!
Calvin wonders why Susie isn't walking into their ambush. Calvin is going on a reconnaissance mission to find out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders why he can't go. Calvin says if Susie captured him, he'd tell Susie anything for a tummy rub.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1993
You can't trust a girl to do anything right! We go to all this trouble to lure Susie into this trap, and she doesn't shop up! As soon as I find out where she is, I'll get Hobbes and the water balloons and we'll let her have it! If she won't come to the ambush, we'll bring the ambush to her! Five... four... three... two...
Calvin says you can't trust a girl to do anything right. When he finds her, he'll get Hobbes and they'll hit her with the water balloons. As he approaches the corner of the house, he says if Susie won't come to the ambush, they'll bring it to her. Around the corner stands Susie, with the water hose in her hand. She starts a countdown.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1993
AAUGGH! OH NO! AIEE! ACKPTH! BLUBPLUB PLPPTTB! This doesn't go in the club log, understood? It never happened. Since you're already wet, it would be a shame not to use these water balloons.
Hobbes hears the sounds of Calvin being soaked by Susie. Calvin walks over to him and sits down. He tells Hobbes this doesn't go into the club log. It never happened. Hobbes says since he's already wet, it seems a shame to waste their water balloons.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1993
It's a dark day for the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club. Our great plan backfired and I'M the one who got soaked! Oh, the shame! The ignominy! ...sighhhh... If you resign, can I be dictator-for-life? I DIDN'T SAY I WAS RESIGNING!
Calvin says it's a dark day for G.R.O.S.S. His plan backfired, and he got soaked. Hobbes asks if he can be dictator-for-life if Calvin resigns.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1993
Well Hobbes, the battle may have been lost, but the war goes on! This afternoon, we'll devise a bigger, better, and even more complicated scheme, and revenge will be ours! The spirit of G.R.O.S.S.ness cannot be extinguished! ...and for courage in the face of setbacks, I award us bottle caps of valor! Yayy! A good meeting always ends with us getting new medals! This is SUCH a great club!
Calvin says the battle was lost, but the war goes on. He says the spirit of G.R.O.S.S. will not be extinguished. He awards bottle caps of valor for their courage in the face of temporary setbacks. Hobbes says a good meeting always ends with them getting medals.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1993
Here Calvin, I brought some lunch for you and Hobbes. Gee thanks, Mom. What do you say we break out the comic books while we think up our big plans? Oh boy! It's looking like a good afternoon, ol' buddy. I love summer.
Mom brings Calvin some lunch. They decide to read comic books in their treehouse. Calvin says it's looking like a good afternoon.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1993
Uh oh. Here comes Susie. Try not to breathe in. Here, Calvin. What's this? It's an invtiation. Mr. Bun is hosting a milk and cookie party in ten minutes, and you and Hobbes are invited. WE DECLINE! We wouldn't attend if you PAID us! We've got better things to do than sit around with GIRLS and dumb toy animals! Fine! DON'T come! Who cares? What a jerk. ...I went to all this trouble, too. Don't be disappointed, Mr. Bun. We can have a nice party all by ourselves. Phooey. Ha! We showed HER! All girls should be shipped to Pluto - that's what I say. I wonder what kind of cookies they were. YOU CAME! We don't ATTEND parties. We just CRASH 'em!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin wishes he could stop summer and leave days like they are. He says life rolls along with speed you can't control. Fun experiences go roaring by, as they blaze past trees. Calvin adds that bad experiences never pass quickly enough, as they fly off the cliff. As they lie in the stream below, Calvin wants to speed up childhood and get to driving age. Hobbes doesn't mind the pace of life. It's the sudden stop at the end.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1993
This is Dad's idea of taking us to the beach.
Hobbes sits in the sandbox, Calvin in the blowup pool. He tells Hobbes this is Dad's idea of taking them to the beach.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1993
Yep, that's a pretty good cow impression. From now on, that's how I eat salads.
Calvin slowly moves his mouth in a chewing motion. Hobbes says that's a pretty good cow impression. Calvin says that's how he's eating salads from now on.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1993
All right, here's a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! That's life!
Sitting at a box labeled "Life" and costing five cents, Susie gives Calvin the nickel and asks what she gets. Calvin says nothing. He just ripped her off. Susie is outraged. Calvin says "that's life". Off to the side of the crushed box, Susie pounds Calvin.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1993
Oh, Mom? I just remembered. Some lady called you about an hour ago. Did you get her name and number? No... Well how am I supposed to call her back?! You don't need to. She's still on the line.
Calvin remembers to tell Mom someone called an hour ago. Mom asks if he got her name and number. Calvin says no. Mom asks how she's supposed to call her back. Calvin says she doesn't need to. The person is still on the line.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1993
Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mail's here.
Calvin checks the mail. There's nothing for him, so he puts the letters back in the mailbox. He goes inside and tells Mom the mail's there.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1993
Yesterday Dad told me not to eat a pepper because it was hot, ... so I ate the whole thing in two bites. Man, was I ever in agony! I was ricocheting off the walls all night! I thought I was going to explode! I gotta get a stunt double.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad told him not to eat a pepper because it was hot. Calvin ate the thing in two bites. He was in agony and thought he was going to explode. He says he has to get a stunt double.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1993
Well! Peanut butter! ... or so it SEEMS. Did you see that? Hmm? What? My sandwich wiggled! There's something ALIVE in it! Oh stop it, Calvin. I'm not kidding! Mom must be trying to kill me! I bet there's a slug in my peanut butter! Eww! Hmm... I don't FEEL any slugs in here. What could it be? I'd better smell it. AUGH! AUGH! IT'S GOT MY NOSE!! THE PEANUT BUTTER ITSELF IS ALIVE! IT'S OOZING UP MY FACE! IT'S GOING TO SUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS! HELP! RRGH! MMF! BLRGHGH! I got it off! Quick! Drown it in chocolate milk! Boy, what a close call THAT was! Won't MOM be disappointed to see her little plot FAILED! Look at you! I've never SEEN anything so revolting! What's wrong with you?! I'm eating somewhere else. Girls are so weird.
Calvin read an article about how much violence is on television. As he watches TV, Calvin says he's seen a few thousand homicides. He says it's his right to watch violence on TV. It's people like him who make those programs profitable. He says the customer is always right, and the shows have to pander to his tastes. He likes shootouts, car wrecks, and grisly murders. He likes to be entertained. Hobbes asks if he doesn't think all that violence is desensitizing. Calvin says no. He'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects him.
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle CatThe Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1993
If I could just lead to ride that bicycle, I could go all sorts of places. I could cover miles in no time at all! I could go anywhere! I could... AAAAAAAAA I could go to heaven. You? I doubt it.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if he could learn to ride his bicycle, he could go anywhere. He could cover miles in no time. The bicycle chases Calvin as he runs off. Later, Calvin is run over. Calvin says he could go to heaven. Hobbes doubts it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1993
OK bike, listen up! I don't like you and you don't like me. But I'VE got the tools to reduce you to piles of pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings! Do we understand each other? AAAAAAA. Maybe altogether too well.
Calvin tells the bike to listen up. He says he has the tools to reduce the bike to pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings. He asks the bike if they understand each other. The bike chases Calvin. After he's run over, Calvin says "maybe altogether too well".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1993
Dad, Will You Put A Bell On My Bike? I Think You Should Learn How To Ride Before You Worry About Having A Bell To Ring. Not THAT Kind Of Bell! I Want One That'll Warn Me When The Darn Bike's Sneaking Up On Me!
Calvin asks Dad to put a bell on his bike. Dad tells him to learn to ride it before he worries about having a bell to ring. Calvin explains he wants a bell that will warn him when the bike's sneaking up on him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1993
I know why Dad got me that bike! He's trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon I'll have my head through a tree trunk and he'll have some peace and quiet! I'M on to him! I suppose that's easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure, what if the house didn't sell?
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad got the bike to bump Calvin off. Calvin says Dad figures the bike will have Calvin's head through a tree trunk and he'll have peace and quiet. He says he's on to Dad. Hobbes supposes that's easier than sending Calvin to camp and moving. Calvin agrees. He asks what would happen if the house didn't sell.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1993
That cloud does impressions!
Calvin looks at a cloud in the sky. It turns into the shape of a duck. Calvin tells Mom the cloud does impressions.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1993
Calvin, would you set the table for me please? Mm... I don't think so. I'm not enthusiastic about setting the table. I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
Mom asks Calvin to help her set the table. Calvin doesn't think so. He's not enthusiastic about setting the table. As Calvin helps set the table, he says he doesn't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1993
OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
The numeral '3' turns into a pterodactyl. It flies past a brontosaurus, whose neck forms the numeral '2'. Calvin sits at his school desk while the teacher asks what three plus two is.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1993
I originally thought I was going to be a teen idol. Oh? Then I thought, why wait until I'm a teen-ager?! I want to be idolized NOW! Then you should probably blow your nose more regularly. Want an autographed 8x10 glossy?
Calvin tells Hobbes he originally thought he'd be a teen idol. Calvin doesn't want to wait. He wants to be idolized now. Hobbes suggests he should blow his nose more regularly. Calvin hands Hobbes an autographed 8 x 10 glossy.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1993
I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. What's misunderstood about you? Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
As Calvin gets dressed, he tells Hobbes he's a misunderstood genius. Hobbes asks what's misunderstood about Calvin. As Calvin walks away with his clothes on wrong, he tells Hobbes nobody thinks he's a genius.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1993
At this room, time enters a no-passing zone.
Calvin sits bored at his school desk. He looks at the clock. He says in the classroom, time enters a no-passing zone.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1993
Let go of me, ya big galoot! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?! They'd hit back. ...I guess that has a certain unethical logic to it...
Calvin tells Moe to let go of him. He asks Moe why he doesn't pick on somebody his own size. As he readies a punch, Moe says they'd hit back. As Calvin lies on the ground, he guesses that has a certain unethical logic to it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1993
That's it! I'm through learning today! See you all tomorrow! I think I'M a better judge of when I'm through.
Calvin closes his book and says he's through learning today. He gets up and tells the class he'll see them tomorrow. Miss Wormwood looms in front of him. Calvin sits back at his desk, grumbling about him being a better judge of when he's through.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1993
Dad, what's it like being a grown-up? Well, it's not too different from being a kid... ...except you're more attached to your toys.
Calvin asks Dad what it's like being a grown-up. Dad tells him it's not too different from being a kid, except you're more attached to your toys. Dad sits down to clean his bicycle.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1993
How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
Calvin tells Hobbes he tried to decide whether to cheat on his test or not. He wonders whether it's better to do the right thing and fail or the wrong thing and succeed. He argues that undeserved success gives no satisfaction, while well-deserved failure gives none either. Just because most everybody cheats doesn't justify his cheating. He wondered if he was trying to rationalize his unwillingness to accept the consequences of not studying. In the real world, people care about success, not principles. Hobbes asks what he decided. Calvin says nothing. He ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Hobbes says that acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Calvin says it seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1993
What a day. I feel like I've been run over by a train. KAPOW! I mean, NOW I feel like that. See? You should always save hyperbole until you really need it.
Calvin opens he door, saying he feels like he's been run over by a train. Hobbes pounces on him. As he lies on the ground, he says now he feels like that. Hobbes brushes himself off and says you should save some hyperbole until you really need it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1993
Today for show and tell, I have an utterly amazing whistle! I'll demonstrate. TWEEEET. What's so amazing about THAT?! It sounds like an ordinary whistle to ME! It can only be heard by ugly cretins. I'll get you at recess, Calvin.
Calvin has a whistle he'll demonstrate for show and tell. It's going to be amazing. He blows the whistle. One of the students asks what's so amazing about it. It sounds like an ordinary whistle to him. Calvin says it can only be heard by ugly cretins.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1993
What if somebody calls us a pair o' pathetic peripatetics? I've never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. But shouldn't we have a ready retort?
Calvin asks Hobbes what they'd do if somebody called them "a pair o' pathetic peripatetics". They stand there. Hobbes has never heard anyone taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. Calvin thinks they should have a ready retort.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1993
I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Number three across says "Bird". Hmm... I've got it! "Yellow-bellied sapsucker"! But there are only five boxes. I know. These idiots make you write real small.
Calvin is doing a crossword puzzle. The clue says "bird". Calvin thinks it's "yellow-bellied sapsucker". Hobbes points out there are only five boxes. Calvin says these idiots make you write real small.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1993
You're dead at recess, Twinky. I feel sorry for you, Moe. You must have some serious personal problems if this is how you relate to people. POW. Then again, maybe he's just a world-class poop head.
Moe tells Calvin he's dead at recess. Calvin says Moe must have serious personal problems if this is how he relates to people. Moe punches Calvin. On the floor, Calvin says Moe may be just a world-class poop head.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1993
OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP! But it's Saturday. Well sure. If this was a school day, what would I care?
Calvin gets up in bed, worried that he's overslept. Hobbes tells him it's Saturday. Calvin knows. He says if it was a school day, what would he care.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1993
Wow, honey, you're missing a beautiful sunset out here. I'll count to 10, and then... POW! Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just that the WORLD was black and white then. Really? Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. That's really weird. Well, truth is stranger than fiction. But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
Calvin sees a dead bird. Calvin says once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize life is fragile, and nature is ruthless. Calvin says you go on with your daily affairs, not thinking about it. He thinks that's why everyone takes the world for granted and act so thoughtlessly. He supposes it will all make sense when they grow up. They sit under a tree and watch birds flying.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1993
Your new polls are in, Dad. Mm. A vast majority of household six-year-olds say you're not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. What were their expectations? That you'd be more like an automatic teller machine. Where do you pollsters find these respondents?
Calvin tells Dad the polls are in. A vast majority of six-year-olds say he's not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. Dad asks what their expectations were. Calvin replies that Dad should be more like an automatic teller machine. Dad asks where the pollsters find these respondents.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1993
The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can't afford to take that risk. You're ignorant. But at least you act on it.
Calvin says the more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. When you are informed, you see complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Calvin tosses his book. He says as a man of action, he can't afford to take that risk. Hobbes says Calvin is ignorant, but at least he acts on it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1993
Have you been reading about the "electronic superhighway"? Pretty soon, computers, telephones and TVs will all be hooked together to bring instantaneous, interactive communication right into our homes! But Dad says he liked it better when you had to communicate by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back from anybody for at least a week. Of course, your Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. I'm a 21st century kid trapped in a 19th century family.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's been reading about the "electronic superhighway". Calvin says they'll all soon be hooked together to bring instant communication to their homes. He says Dad liked it better when you communicated by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back for a week. Hobbes says Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. Calvin says he's a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1993
Wait! Don't hit me! There's something on your back! I'm sure. I'm serious! It's a note! Your Mom must've pinned it on your shirt. What's it say? It says, "Somebody run this boy over with a truck." If I'm going to get clobbered, I like to deserve it.
Right before Moe hits him, Calvin tells him there is something on his back. He tells Moe his Mom must have pinned it to his shirt. Moe asks what it says. Calvin tells him that someone should run this boy over with a truck. After Calvin has been pounded to the ground, he says if he's going to get clobbered, he likes to deserve it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1993
My watch tells the time, the day, and the date. It doesn't tell what month it is, though. I need a watch that tells the month. I suppose they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.
Calvin tells Hobbes his watch tells the time, day, and date. He says it doesn't tell him the month. Hobbes says they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1993
Mom wants to know if we'd like to go to the zoo today. Can we tour a prison afterward? No thanks.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wants to know if they'd like to go to the zoo today. Hobbes asks if they can tour a prison afterward. Calvin tells Mom "no thanks".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1993
I've been thinking, Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it wasn't on purpose... I believe history is a force. Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves history's single purpose. And what is that purpose? Why, to produce ME, of course! I'm the end result of history. YOU? Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact, specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence. Hmm, 4.5 billion years probably wasn't long enough. Now I'm here, and history is vindicated. So now that history's brought you, what are you going to do? Ooh, you wascawwy wabbit!
Spaceman Spiff makes some system checks. He prepares for countdown. Calvin watches the clock in the classroom. Spiff blasts off, flying to his home. Mom asks how his day went. Calvin tells Mom he enjoyed coming home.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1993
Psst, Susie! What's the answer to question two? "Eli Whitney and the cotton gin." But this is a math problem. It's a trick question. How come YOU wrote something different? I'm going to get this question wrong, so it won't look like you copied. Wow, thanks! Oh, I ow it to you.
During a test, Calvin whispers to Susie for the answer to a question. Susie gives him the answer "Eli Whitney and the Cotton Gin". Calvin reminds her it's a math problem. She says it's a trick question. When Calvin asks why she wrote something different, Susie tells him she's going to get the question wrong so it doesn't look like Calvin copied. Calvin thanks Susie. She tells him she owes it to him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1993
OK, that's how we'll do kickoffs. Go with what works, I guess.
Calvin kicks a football, and it goes behind him. Hobbes catches it. Hobbes says that's how they'll do kickoffs. Calvin shrugs and says they should go with what works.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1993
Ooh, wook at da big, stwipey putty! Is oo a fuzzy, fwiendwy putty?? Tigers don't like to be called "putties".
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. In a baby voice, he asks if Hobbes is a "Fwiendwy Putty". Hobbes sits up with an angry expression. Calvin is walking away, all scratched up, saying tigers don't like to be called "putties".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1993
If heaven is good, and if I like to be bad, how am I supposed to be happy there? How will you get to heaven if you like to be bad? Let's say I didn't DO what I WANTED to do. Suppose I led a blameless life! Suppose I denied my true dark nature! I'm not sure I have that much imagination. Maybe heaven is a place where you're ALLOWED to be bad!
Calvin asks Hobbes how he's supposed to be happy in Heaven, if he likes to be bad. Hobbes asks how he'll get to Heaven if he's bad. Calvin asks Hobbes to suppose he led a blameless life. He says to suppose he denied his dark nature. Hobbes isn't sure he has that much imagination. Calvin wonders if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to be bad.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1993
Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first President was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers! I just don't test well.
Miss Wormwood tells Calvin his test was a disgrace. She says the first president was not Chef Boy-ar-dee. She says he should be ashamed to turn in such preposterous answers. Calvin says he just doesn't test well.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1993
Look, Hobbes! If you dry your teeth, you can curl your upper lip and it will stick! See? Then you take a piece of tape... ...and use it to pull your nostrils up! Cool, huh? Wow! I'll be if you showed your Dad, he'd go to work like that! YEAH!
Calvin shows Hobbes that if you dry your teeth, you can curl your lip and it will stick. He shows you take a piece of tape, and you can pull your nostrils up. Hobbes says if Calvin showed his Dad, he'd go to work like that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1993
That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1993
I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon we'll have read ALL of this! I like to read ahead and see what we're going to learn next. It's so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you. If you flip the pages of MY book, an animated T.Rex drives the batmobile and explodes! Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
Susie tells Calvin she loves her school books. She likes to read ahead to see what comes next. She says having a book is like having a good friend with you. Calvin says if you flip the pages of his book, an animated T-rex drives the Batmobile and explodes. Susie says sometimes books are the only friends worth having.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1993
I don't need to study! I don't need to learn! I can always get by on my good looks and charm! I don't hear you concurring, hairball breath. Tell me, is it static electricity that makes your hair do that?
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need to study or learn. He says he can get by on his good looks and charm. Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin says he doesn't hear Hobbes concurring. Hobbes asks Calvin if static electricity makes his hair do what it does.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1993
I got a smiley face sticker on my quiz. Whoop-de-doo for you. What did YOU get? None of your darn business! You got a frowny face, didn't you? NO as a matter of fact, I didn't! I didn't even know they MADE barfing face stickers.
Susie gets a smiley face sticker on her quiz. Calvin is not impressed. Susie asks what Calvin got, but Calvin won't tell. Susie accuses Calvin of receiving a frowny face. Calvin denies it. Later, Calvin sits and thinks that he didn't even know they made barfing face stickers.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1993
Miss Wormwood, I'm not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling. I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute? What, ... you think I'll live in someplace that doesn't get cable?!
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood he isn't going to learn the material until she makes it enthralling. Miss Wormwood asks what he'll do if the rest of his life doesn't entertain him. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood thinks he'll live someplace that doesn't get cable.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1993
Love the sinner and hate the sin. Uh oh...
Dad gets out of his car after work. He looks up to see Calvin holding a sign that reads "Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin". Dad can only think "Uh oh".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1993
Hey, nice moustache! Thanks. I made it. Very bushy. What did you use for the hair?
Calvin has a cowboy hat on and has a mustache. Hobbes says it's very bushy and asks where Calvin got it. Calvin takes off his cowboy hat to show part of his hair cut off.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1993
Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
A pile of leaves rises up and chases Calvin. It catches up to him and crashes down on him. Calvin digs his way out. Dad sees the pile of leaves lying all scattered and raises his hands in protest. Calvin raises his hands in protest that he didn't do it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1993
Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here's a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence. So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? Well, it sounded more defiant the way HE said it. Mm.
Calvin is watching television. He tells Hobbes ads don't see a product, they sell an attitude. He points out there is a commercial that has a guy do whatever he wants. He buys the product to reflect his independence. Hobbes asks if this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection. Calvin says it sounded more defiant the way the ad said it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1993
Here's another ad with attitude. This guy didn't like his job, so he quit, and now he climbs rocks! See, he's his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms! If he quit his job, I wonder how he affords those expensive athletic shoes he's advertising. Maybe his Mom bought them for him. I hope she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
Calvin is watching another ad with attitude. He points out a guy who quit his job and now climbs rocks. He's his own man. Hobbes wonders how he affords the expensive athletic shoes he's advertising since he quit his job. Calvin wonders if the guy's mom bought them for him. Hobbes hopes she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off the rock he's climbing.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1993
OW!! Mmf! Ngghh! Rrrrggg! FWOPP.
Calvin kicks a football and hurts his toes. Calvin angrily grabs the ball. Hobbes receives the kick, but the football has no air in it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1993
I'M SIGNIFICANT! Screamed the dust speck.
Calvin looks at the stars and says he's significant. He looks up at the stars again. He adds "screamed the dust speck".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1993
The days are getting colder. Yes. BUGS ARE DYING BY THE TRUCKLOAD! HA HA HA! GOOD RIDDANCE TO 'EM ALL! I like fall.
Calvin notices the days are getting colder. He says bugs are dying by the truckload. He laughs and says good riddance to them all. He walks along and tells Hobbes that he likes fall.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1993
Made in God's own image, yes sir! God must have a goofy sense of humor.
Calvin looks into a full-length mirror. He's in his underwear and flexing his biceps. Calvin says he's made in God's own image. Hobbes thinks God must have a goofy sense of humor.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1993
Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
Calvin has a football and runs up to a door and rings it. He rings it several times while waiting in a panic. He yells for the door to be opened. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Finally, Susie opens the door to see Calvin lying on the steps with Hobbes on top of him. Susie says her mom said to tell Calvin their doorbell isn't a toy. She tells him to go away. Hobbes has the football and tells Calvin it's now illegal to hide in other people's houses. Calvin says girls just don't understand sports.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1993
Another touchdown for me! Couldn't you chase me toward the other goal for once?
Calvin is running with the football. He skids to a stop. Hobbes chases him as he runs the other direction. Hobbes calls another touchdown for himself. Calvin asks if Hobbes couldn't chase him toward his goal for once.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1993
See? SEE?? I DID hang up my coat! It's right there, just like I said! I was right and you were wrong. OK, OK, I'm sorry. Forgive me. Heh heh heh! Another tally mark for today. You don't need to keep score!
Calvin points out that he did hang up his coat in the closet. He tells Mom that he was right and she was wrong. Mom says she's sorry and asks him to forgive her. Calvin makes a tally mark in a notebook. Mom says he doesn't need to keep score.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1993
Everybody seeks happiness! Not ME, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! The problem with you, Hobbes, is you're always at a loss for words. I've found that saves many a friendship.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to seek happiness. He demands euphoria. He looks at Hobbes. Calvin says Hobbes' problem is that he's always at a loss for words. Hobbes has found that saves many a friendship.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1993
Here I am, happy and content. ...but not euphoric. So now I'm no longer content. I'm unhappy. My day is ruined. I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead.
Calvin says he is happy and content. But he's not euphoric. Now he's no longer content. He's unhappy, and his day is ruined. He walks off saying he needs to stop thinking while he's ahead.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1993
Is hamburger meat made out of people from Hamburg? Of course not! It's ground beef. I'm eating a COW? Right. I don't think I can finish this.
Calvin asks Mom if hamburgers are made out of people from Hamburg. Mom says no, it's ground beef. Calvin asks if he's eating a cow. Mom says yes. Calvin doesn't think he can finish his burger.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1993
Did you see where it landed? Look for the crater. Are we a little scared of the ball?
Calvin runs to catch something. It's a safe! He turns away while the football bounces in front of him. Calvin asks Hobbes to look for a crater where it landed. Hobbes asks if he's a little scared of the ball.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1993
Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Miss Wormwood gives Calvin his paper. He got an "A". Calvin is in a parade with a key to the city. People are cheering him, and fireworks are going off. Miss Wormwood tells the class to open their books to the next chapter. Calvin sighs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1993
Hold it, Moe! Before you wallop me, I'm afraid you'll have to sign this form. What's this? It's a statement acknowledging responsibility for your behavior. You agree that hitting me entitles me to unlimited compensation for medical treatment as well as reasonable damages for pain and suffering. You affirm that you're insured for these costs and... Nobody takes responsibility for his actions any more.
As Moe readies a punch to Calvin, he says Moe has to sign a form. Moe asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's a statement acknowledging responsibility for his behavior. Calvin says hitting him entitles him to compensation of medical treatment and damages for pain and suffering. Calvin lies on the floor beaten up. He says nobody takes responsibility for his actions anymore.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1993
Here, Dad. I'd like you to sign this form and have it notarized. "I, the undersigned Dad, attest that I have never parented before, and insofar as I have no experience in the job, ... ...I am liable for my mistakes, and I agree to pay for any counseling, in perpetuity, Calvin may require as a result of my parental ineptitude." I don't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those.
Calvin hands a form to Dad to sign and notarize. Dad reads the form. It states he's never parented before and is liable for mistakes made on the job. He will pay for any counseling Calvin may require due to parental ineptitude. Calvin is sent to bed. In bed, Calvin doesn't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those forms.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1993
Miss Wormwood, I'd like you to sign this contract. It's an agreement that you'll compensate me for any loss of job income I may suffer as an adult because of a poor first-grade eduction. If you get a poor first-grade education, it will be from YOUR lack of effort, not mine. Go back to your desk. By golly, SOMEBODY ought to may me if I don't learn anything.
Calvin hands Miss Wormwood a contract. It's an agreement to compensate Calvin for loss of job income because of his poor education. Miss Wormwood says if he gets a poor education, it's due to a lack of effort on his part, not hers. Calvin says somebody ought to pay him if he doesn't learn anything.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1993
Hi Susie! Would you sign this legal document? What is it? In essence, it annuls our knowledge of each other's existence and it prohibits any future social interaction. Specifically, it states that I'll never ask you out on a date, and it imposes severe penalties on any party that attempts to engage the other in conversa... It's almost insulting how fast she signed that.
Calvin asks Susie to sign a document. It annuls their knowledge of each other's existence and prohibits future social interaction. It states Calvin will never ask her out on a date and imposes penalties for attempts to engage in conversation. Calvin gets the form back and says it's almost insulting how fast she signed it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1993
Here, Hobbes. I've drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign. A contract? Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years. People are friends because they WANT to be, not because they HAVE to be! That's what this fixes. If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
Calvin has a contract for Hobbes. It codifies terms of their friendship. Hobbes can renegotiate in 20 years. Hobbes says people are friends because they want to be, not because they have to be. Calvin says that's what his contract fixes. Hobbes hands the form back and says if your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1993
Dad, why do my eyes shut when I sneeze? If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would float around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything. Gross. How come you know so much? It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
Calvin asks Dad why his eyes close when he sneezes. Dad says if his eyelids weren't closed, the explosion would blow his eyeballs out. His eyes would flop around and he'd have to point them with his hands to see anything. Calvin asks why Dad knows so much. Dad says it's all in the book you get when you become a father.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1993
The end of the mesozoic era... a herd of chasmosaurs is unusually jittery! They now know they have more to fear than tyrannosaurs! Now they face an even GREATER danger... TYRANNOSAURS in F-14s! This is SO cool! This is SO stupid!
Calvin, the tyrannosaur, roars triumphantly. Calvin's struggle has given him a monstrous appetite. He rips gigantic chunks of the carcass and swallows them whole. It's a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony. Mom tells Calvin to stop eating his Halloween candy. Calvin is in a dinosaur costume. She tells him he'll get sick if he eats all of it. Calvin says he earned it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1993
You say, when you become a father, you get a book that explains everything in the world? Right. Can I se it? Nope, sorry. Why not? It tells what it's like to raise a kid. SO?! You're not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.
Calvin asks if there is a book you get when you're a father that explains everything in the world. Dad says yes but won't show it to Calvin when he asks. Dad won't show it because it tells what it's like to raise a kid. Calvin asks what's wrong with that. Dad tells him he's not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1993
AAAAAA! A person should be safe from predators inside his own house! If I had reflexes like yours, I'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.
Hobbes waits around a corner. Calvin approaches, then is pounces upon. Calvin claims a person should be safe from predators inside his own house. Hobbes says if he had reflexes like Calvin's, he'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1993
HEY, LOOK AT ME! "Nude descending a staircase"! Nobody understands art.
Calvin yells for Mom to watch him. He comes down the steps, dripping water from his bath. Calvin proclaims it "nude descending a staircase". Back in the tub, Calvin says nobody understands art.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1993
...sighh... They say nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Well, I'd better get to the office. That was obviously some sort of commentary.
Dad is drinking coffee, reading the newspaper. He says nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Calvin walks by and waves. Dad says he'd better get to the office. Calvin looks back and says that was obviously some sort of commentary.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1993
Doggone it, he's got all the covers again. Zz. Zz... hmm? Oh yes, I'm VERY fond of Calvin. ...pass the gravy, please. zzz. Brrr... Zz.
In bed, Hobbes has the covers wrapped around himself. Calvin wakes up and gets ready to reach over to pull off the covers. Hobbes mumbles that he's very fond of Calvin and to pass the gravy. He continues sleeping. Calvin turns back over, shivers, but leaves the covers alone.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1993
Why should I take a bath? I'm just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth? I'm just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair? It's just going to get messed up again. I'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
Calvin asks why he should take a bath if he's just going to get dirty again. He asks why he should brush his teeth if he's going to eat again. He asks why he should comb his hair if it's going to get messed up again. He decides he'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1993
I'm bored. Let's go in. But we've only been out here a few minutes. This is taking too long. What's the hurry? We've got all day! Yeah, but it's kind of cold, and the sun's too bright, and my gloves are getting wet. And when you think about it, building a snowman is a lot of work. I didn't come here to do something hard. Besides, what if the snowman doesn't come out very good? We'd be failures! Who wants to be a failure?! Or even if it's good, what's the point? It's just going to melt in a few weeks anyway! It's all futile! So instead of wasting my time, I'm going to go inside, pull down the shades and watch TV. That way, in complete physical comfort, I can vicariously experience the activity of actors pretending to do things! Are you sure it's not too much trouble to turn on the TV? That's why we have a remote control. Virtual reality is already here. I can't believe the only way to get inside is by WALKING.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything in the world. Hobbes says a sandwich. Calvin asks what kind of stupid wish that is. Calvin says he'd wish for a trillion dollars, a private continent, and his own space shuttle. In the house, Hobbes is eating a sandwich. He tells Calvin he got his wish.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1993
Hi, it's me, your big accomplishment in life! I'm depressed.
Calvin walks past Mom and says hello. He calls himself her big accomplishment in life. Later, Mom is slumped on the sofa. She tells Dad that she's depressed.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1993
Did you check the pockets of my pants before you washed them? Yes. Did you find anything... um... surprising? Like what? Let's just say we need some big gloves and a heavy stick... FAST. Do you mean you don't know where this thing IS?!
Calvin asks Mom if she checked the pockets of his pants before she washed them. He asks if she found anything surprising. Mom asks what he means. Calvin hides behind Mom's leg saying they need some big gloves and a heavy stick...fast. Mom asks if Calvin doesn't even know where this thing is at.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1993
Oh no! Mom packed me a piece of PIE in my lunch! She hates me! I refuse to eat it! You don't like pie? Not this kind. What kind is it? Cow pie. MISS WORMWOOD! Want it? It's fresh.
Calvin sees Mom packed a piece of pie in his lunch. He refuses to eat it. Susie asks if he doesn't like pie. He tells her he doesn't like that kind. When she asks what kind it is, Calvin tells her cow pie. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin pinches his nose and asks if she wants it. It's fresh.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1993
I wish I had a heavier coat. Theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat stays where it is.
Calvin comes into the living room bundled in his cap, scarf, and coat. He sits on the chair. He wishes he had a heavier coat. Mom is reading a book. She says that theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat is staying where it is.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1993
... and so, in 1654... HKGHHKKGHH. Mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears from... KHGHHKGGH. PAY ATTENTION! When you change the channel, I don't think the original program should be able to change it back.
Miss Wormwood is lecturing the class. The picture scrambles and mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears. The picture scrambles again, and Miss Wormwood is right in front, pointing, and saying to pay attention. Calvin says when you change the channel, he doesn't think the original channel should be able to change it back.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1993
Mom, what was I like as a baby? Stinky. Stinky?? Stinky. It's always shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.
Calvin asks what he was like as a baby. Mom says "stinky". Calvin walks away saying it's shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1993
Brrrr! I'm freezing! You need a nice fur coat like mine. I'm all toasty. I'll just put my feed on your back, OK? Ooh, you ARE warm! GAAA! Quit thrashing around! You're letting in cold air! Well keep your icy feet on your own side of the bed then! They WERE! Your big behind was on MY side! THAT's your side! THIS is the demilitarized zone and THIS is MY side! All THAT?! No way, you hog! In fact, the whole bed is my side! Animals should sleep on the floor! Oh, THAT does it! You and your hairless pink monkey suit can freeze solid! I'm leaving! HEY! Don't take the blanket! COME BACK HERE! I'LL GET YOU! GIMME THAT! ...now where'd he go?? AAAAAA GAAAA! SOMEBODY'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE!! Calvin had another nightmare. If it's two crowded, you guys are welcome to sleep downstairs.
Calvin plays with a toy truck. He stops, looks around, listens, then carries his toy further away. He resumes playing. Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes pins Calvin down telling him he moved upwind. He says human senses aren't worth beans. Calvin tells Hobbes to get off him. Mom asks if Calvin wants to watch his nature program. Calvin shouts no.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1993
I need some help with my homework, Hobbes. What's the assignment? I'm supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. What's your issue? That's the problem. I can't think of anything to argue. That's hard to believe. I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong! What's to argue about?!
Calvin asks Hobbes for some help with his homework. He's supposed to write a paper with two points of view, then defend one of them. He can't think of anything to argue. Hobbes says that's hard to believe. Calvin says he's always right, and everybody else is wrong. He wonders what there is to argue about.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1993
Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well, what issues do you care about? I don't care about issues! I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a busy man! I say, either agree with me or take a hike! I'm right, period! End of discussion! Um... right. There, see? Everybody's happy.
Calvin wants help with thinking of an issue for a debate paper. Calvin doesn't care about issues. He says he's got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion. He says he's a busy man. Calvin says either agree with him or take a hike. He's right, period. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin's right. Calvin says everybody's happy.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1993
So what am I going to write about? Hmm... we'll need to put on our thinking caps. HEY! Thinking caps! THAT'S what we need! C'mon! This is a GREAT idea! Boy, where would I be without you? Conceivably, you might be working on your assignment.
Hobbes suggests they put on thinking caps to come up with a writing topic. As they run to get thinking caps, Calvin asks where he would be without Hobbes' suggestion. Hobbes replies that conceivably, he might be working on his assignment.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1993
We'll use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next we'll need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? It's like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think you're too late. We'll also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
Calvin uses a colander as a thinking cap. Its metal surface will conduct brain waves. Hobbes attaches input and output strings, and a grounding string. Hobbes asks why a grounding string. Calvin replies he wants to keep his ideas grounded in reality. Hobbes thinks he's too late. Calvin says they also must build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1993
The thinking cap is all set! Let's turn it on! Click. Brzap. Did it work? I think so. I feel smarter already.
Calvin's thinking cap is ready. Hobbes turns it on. He asks if it worked. Calvin takes off the thinking cap, and his head is bigger.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1993
What happened to your head?? Evidently, an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats don't fit, will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
Calvin says a consequence of his cerebral augmentation is that his brain swelled. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's hats. Calvin says his brain is unraveling all the mysteries of the universe. He says natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin says his powerful brain is bored with such simple problems. He's now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1993
Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1993
Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain, you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN, DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the dilemma. I know! We'll wrap my head in this bedsheet! THAT will allay any suspicion! Your powerful brain must know something I don't.
Since Calvin's brain has enlarged, Hobbes thinks he can write his paper now. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes wonders what will happen when Calvin's parents see his head. Calvin's powerful brain finds an answer. He'll wrap his head in a bedsheet. Hobbes thinks Calvin's powerful brain knows something he doesn't.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1993
Calvin, come down for dinner! I'm not calling you again! Hurry up with the turban! There. Sorry I'm late. I was unavoidably detained. Calvin, we don't eat at the table looking like that. Take off the sheet. Uh... heh heh... um... Thank you. I don't know why I worry. They never notice anything.
Mom calls Calvin to dinner again. Calvin has a turban on his head made from his sheet. He tells Dad he was unavoidably detained. Dad tells him to take the sheet off at the table. Calvin does, and Dad thanks him. Calvin, with his larger head, says they never notice anything.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1993
I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I don't need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK, let's get down to business. I'll apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... How's it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was.
Calvin brings some fish to Hobbes. Calvin doesn't need brain food with his enlarged brain. He applies his brain to the homework problem. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin says he just remembered what the assignment was.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1993
My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. I'll write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely. How come? They're SO much cooler that way.
Calvin comes up with a topic for his paper. He'll debate whether tyrannosaurs were predators or scavengers. Hobbes asks which side he'll defend. Calvin tells Hobbes he believes they were predators. They're so much cooler that way.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1993
Let's see... to argue that tyrannosaurs were predators and not scavengers, we'll need to write a brief overview of carnosaur evolution. Then we'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, arm strength, potential running speed, and environmental factors. ...but first, we'll draw some pictures of a T.Rex eating people in the natural history museum. I notice your head is shrinking back to normal size.
Calvin says he'll start with carnosaur evolution. He'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, and environmental factors. First, he'll draw pictures of a T-rex eating people at the museum. Hobbes notices Calvin's head shrinking back to its normal size.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1993
Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you haven't written your paper yet. Oh, that's the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. It'll be a breeze. For once I'm GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN, TIME FOR BED.
Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1993
This sculpture will be called "The spirit of compromise". We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise.
A robot doctor looks at Calvin. It slices his head open to look at the brain. The doctor puts more brains into Calvin's skull. The robot doctor asks how Calvin feels. Calvin says "smart". The doctor says the knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll need. Calvin walks out of the office needing no more school. The robot doctor says to go home and have 12 years of fun. Calvin sighs as he gets onto the school bus.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1993
TIME FOR BED?? That's what I said. But I haven't finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it.
Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1993
You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1993
Great! Just great! Mom lets us stay up for half an hour longer to finish this paper. How am I supposed to do a good job in so little time?! Your Mom says you wasted the whole evening. But now she's making me do a rushed, slipshod job! I'll have to compromise the qualitY! I won't get the "A" I deserve! Especially since you've used up 15 minutes complaining about it. It'll tell the teacher it's Mom's fault.
Calvin gripes to Hobbes that Mom is only giving him an extra half hour to write the paper. He asks how he's supposed to do a good job in such little time. Hobbes reminds him that Mom said he wasted the whole evening. Calvin complains Mom is making him to a rushed, sloppy job. He won't get the "A" he deserves. Hobbes tells him he's used up 15 minutes complaining about it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1993
What a rotten evening that was. At least you finished your paper. Yeah, but it could've been a lot better. I finally get a chance to write about something I know backward and forward and I have to rush the whole thing. Well, with the time available, you did the best you could. ...sort of. I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
Calvin crawls into bed. Hobbes tells him at least he's finished with the paper. Calvin says it could have been better. He gets a chance to write about something he knows, and he has to rush the whole thing. Hobbes says he did the best he could with the time he had.....sort of. Calvin thinks geniuses should be given special considerations.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1993
My paper is entitled, "Tyrannosaurus Rex: Fearson Predator or Loathsome Scavenger?" Ahem... "I say tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be so bogus if they just ate things that were already dead. The end." I'M A CONCISE WRITER, OK?!?
Calvin reads his paper in front of the class. He reads that tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be bogus if they ate things that were already dead. He grins at the class. He yells that he's a concise writer.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1993
Miss Wormwood was going to give me a "D-" on my paper, but I talked to her after class and told her how I ran out of time and couldn't write all I knew about tyrannosaurs. She said I'd had plenty of time to do the assignment, but she admitted that maybe I'd picked too complex a subject. So she raised my grade to a "D" and told me I should try to pick realistic goals and plan my time better. I guess we learned a lesson, huh? I'll say. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off!
Calvin tells Hobbes he got a "D-" on his paper. He talked to Miss Wormwood about having run out of time. He tells Hobbes that Miss Wormwood admitted that maybe he'd picked too complex a subject. She raised his grade to a "D" and said to pick realistic goals and plan his time better. Hobbes asks if he learned a lesson. Calvin says he did. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1993
That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom.
Calvin looks at a snowman. It has a shovel in hand and is wearing a hat. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a pathetic cliche. He says the snowman says nothing about the human condition. He says the banality of the snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. He shows Hobbes the snowman he made. It's a horrible snowman with bulging eyes, an open mouth with tongue hanging out. Calvin says the snowman is "The torment of existence weighed against the horror of nonbeing". Hobbes comments that he admires Calvin's willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Hobbes walks away. Calvin stands there, then starts building a normal snowman.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1993
14... 52... POW! WAAUGH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL I HIKE THE BALL!! Oops. Sorry. Darn tigers. You can explain the rules to 'em, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls signals. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin protests that Hobbes is supposed to wait until he snaps the ball. Calvin picks himself up from the ground saying you can explain the rules to a tiger, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1993
Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long, rich and thought-provoking for a change, and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash, so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes. You Dad's going into the guture kicking and screaming, isn't he? What if he's turning me into some kind of subversive?
Calvin says Dad went to buy a hardback novel. He tells Hobbes Dad wanted something thought-provoking and that had a cloth binding. Dad said he was guying the book with cash so nobody could trace the purchase and exploit his interests for commercial purposes. Hobbes asks Calvin if Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming. Calvin wonders what happens if Dad is turning into some kind of subversive.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1993
Mom, can I get a big tattoo? I want a winged serpent coiling around one arm, clutching a ship on my chest, with... ...um... I mean... ...well... ...sighhhh... Did you know Mom can communicate telepathically?
Calvin asks Mom if he can get a tattoo of a serpent clutching a ship. Mom looks at him with a frown. Calvin sighs and walks away. He asks Hobbes if he knew Mom can communicate telepathically.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1993
I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. You'd better be nice to me, Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin tells Moe to be nice to him, since his tax dollars will one day pay for Moe's prison cell. Moe punches him. Calvin says his problems is his lips move when he thinks.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1993
You know, everything I am... my unique spirit and personality... everything that makes me ME... ...is dependent on the proper functioning of this complex, fagile and miraculous chunk of meat that is my body. Interesting observation. Well, it just occurred to me. WAHOOOOOOO.
Calvin and Hobbes sit in the wagon near the cliff. Calvin tells Hobbes that everything that makes him unique is dependent on proper functioning of his complex body. Hobbes says that's an interesting observation. Hobbes jumps off the wagon as it hurtles down the cliff.
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11 DEC 1993
They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play in unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce. We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Calvin tells Hobbes that all the world is a stage. But he says the play is unrehearsed and everybody ad-libs. Hobbes thinks that's why it's hard to tell whether we're in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin suggests more special effects and dance numbers.
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12 DEC 1993
POW! SMACK!
Hobbes throws a snowball to Calvin, who hits it with a bat. He takes off on his sled, going down the hill. Hobbes makes a snowball as Calvin goes around a tree and a bush. Hobbes throws the snowball and knocks Calvin off the sled. Hobbes says there are two outs. Calvin says he should have stayed at second base. Hobbes reminds him he has a snowman at third. Calvin loves a good game of speed sled base snow ball.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1993
Yep, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism! I'm surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
Calvin says Christmas is around the corner. He asks what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month or frenzied consumerism. Hobbes is surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Calvin says getting loads of loot is a spiritual experience for him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1993
Dear Santa, Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I don't want at all. What's the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Can't you read?? Or are you just a vindictive, twisted elf, bent on destroying kids' dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know, but it felt good to write it.
Calvin writes Santa a letter. He writes Santa ignores his list every year and brings practical things he doesn't want. He asks if Santa is insane, gone senile, or can't read. He asks if he's a vindictive elf destroying little kids' dreams. Hobbes reads the letter and suggests sleeping on it. Calvin knows, but he says he felt good writing it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1993
Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps.
Calvin writes Santa a letter complaining he didn't receive the 15000 items he requested last year. He concludes Santa's secretarial staff is a bunch of underpaid and unprepared temps, with his letter being misfiled. He offers Santa the option of writing a check to him for five million dollars, so that he can buy the stuff himself. Calvin tells Hobbes that he won't be disappointed this year. Hobbes suggests leaving out the part about the temps.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1993
Dear Santa, Hello, I am Calvin's new baby brother, Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please don't confuse MY list with Calvin's. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man, if Santa falls for this, I'll add a new brother every year! "Melville"?
Calvin writes Santa a letter, saying he's Calvin's brother, Melville. He encloses a list, telling Santa not to confuse his list with Calvin's. He says there are two kids at the house now. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Santa falls for this, he'll add a new brother every year.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1993
No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1993
Look at all this snow! I'm being tested. We got this snow so I'd be tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeit all my Christmas presents. To evaluate my chatacter, my immediate pleasure is being pitted against my future greed! Poor Susie. IT'S NOT A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!
Hobbes notices all the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he's being tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeiting all his presents. His immediate pleasure is being pitted against his future greed. Hobbes laments for poor Susie. Calvin protests that it's not a foregone conclusion.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1993
There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of "Night before Christmas". Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say "thank you" or "you're welcome". He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere. Santa writes bad boys and girls will be the ones to get the toys. Calvin wakes up. He frowns and lies in bed. He hates being good six days until Christmas. He doesn't think he'll make it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1993
The day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Calvin builds snowballs. He keeps adding to his pile. Hobbes comes over and looks up at the mountain of snowballs. Calvin tells him the day after Christmas is going to be epic.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1993
Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
Calvin has a snowball and comments throwing it would give him certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing the snowballs in hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and uncertain pleasure. Calvin looks at the mountain of snowballs. He says that as usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1993
What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1993
I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining!
Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1993
Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing.
A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1993
HA HA! ACQUITTAL ON ALL CHARGES! COMPLETE EXONERATION! HA HA HA! Merry Christmas to you too, dear. Phew, what's that smell? Has someone been eating tuna fish at this horrible hour?!
Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1993
I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making New Year's resolutions. Calvin wants everything to stay the same as it was this year. Calvin says the year was lousy, but familiar. Calvin hates change. You have to think about change and deal with it. He wants to take everything for granted. Calvin says things always change for the worse. Things get more complicated every year. He wants to stop now. No more change. They stand there for a little while. Calvin says he's bored and wants to do something different. Hobbes says some things don't change, as they run to play.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1993
Z. Y-YAWNN. There's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
Calvin walks by a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin suddenly yawns. He says there's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
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28 DEC 1993
Hey Dad, why don't you cut down all the trees in our hill and put in a ski lift? Because a ski lift would be ugly, noisy, and completely unnecessary. The problem with Dad is he doesn't know progress when he hears it.
Calvin asks Dad why he doesn't cut down all the trees on their hill and put in a ski lift. Dad tells Calvin a lift would be ugly, noisy, and unnecessary. Calvin walks off, grumbling that Dad doesn't know progress when he hears it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1993
AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well.
Calvin has a huge snowball on a plank, held up by a log. He jumps on the other end of the plank. The snowball barely climbs up and falls on top of him. He tells Hobbes he meant to do that. Hobbes tells him it worked very well.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1993
I've lost my marbles. Everyone suspected as much. Well, I hope somebody finds them again. HEY!!
Calvin looks under the chair. He tells Hobbes he lost his marbles. Hobbes says everyone suspected as much. Calvin walks off saying he hopes somebody finds them. That night, in bed, he realizes what Hobbes said. He gets up and yells "Hey". Hobbes peeks over his shoulder at Calvin.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1993
I need a new toboggan. What for? Mine is outdated. I'm sure the '94 models have all sorts of new features, colors and options. Toboggans don't come in model years. They don't?? I tell you, Hobbes, there's a fortune to be made!
Calvin tells Dad he needs a new toboggan. Dad asks why. Calvin tells him he thinks the new models have new features, colors, and options. Dad tells Calvin toboggans don't come in model years. Later, Calvin runs with Hobbes, paint can in hand. He tells Hobbes there's a fortune to be made.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1994
What the...?? I'm not playing with a full deck! That's what some people say. Really? Then why didn't somebody go buy some new cards?! HEY!!
Calvin looks through his playing cards and tells Hobbes he isn't playing with a full deck. Hobbes agrees. Calvin walks off, saying someone should buy new cards. Later that night, in bed, Calvin realizes what Hobbes' comment indicated.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1994
Ready? OFF WE GO-O!! WEEEEE AAAAAA WHOAAAA OOH AH EE ACK OW WAAUGH! OOMFF UGH HOOF HUHH YAAAAAA WO WO WO WO WO unggg. I think that was our best ride EVER! I kept closing my eyes. Let's do it again.
Calvin sleds down the hill. At the bottom, he straps on a rocket pack and blasts back to the top of the hill. Calvin pulls his sled back up the hill with a sigh.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1994
I resent the quality of network programming! It's all fluff, violence, sensationalism and sleaze! I hunger for serious, tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence! So turn off the stupid TV and read a book. All right, I lied. Sue me.
Calvin sits watching television. He says he resents the quality of network programming. He says it's all violence and sleaze. He hungers for tasteful entertainment that respects his intelligence. Dad comes by and tells Calvin to turn off the TV and read a book. Calvin continues to watch television. He says he lied, sue him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1994
Why does he have a hot water bottle on his head? He's committing suicide.
Hobbes asks Calvin why his snowman has a hot water bottle on his head. Calvin replies he's committing suicide.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1994
I'll take one card. OK. I fold. Are you cheating?!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing cards. Hobbes takes one. His tail starts twitching. Calvin folds. Hobbes asks if Calvin is cheating.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1994
Incredibly, people NEVER expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. I'll see you in your room momentarily.
Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1994
If anyone hits me with a snowball, I'll hit HIM with 250 snowballs! What if somebody hits YOU with 250 snowballs? ...sighhh...
Calvin has a mountain of snowballs. He tells Hobbes that if anyone hits him with a snowball, he'll hit that person with 250 snowballs. Hobbes asks what happens if someone hits Calvin with 250 snowballs. Calvin looks at his mountain of snowballs. He sighs and keeps making more snowballs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1994
This will by my strongest fort ever! With these massive walls, I'll be safe from any attack! HELLLP!!
Calvin builds his strongest fort ever. He makes tall walls, so he'll be safe from attack. From inside the fort, he realizes he can't get out. He yells for help.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1994
YAWNN... I'm going to get some coffee, Ted. Want any? No thanks, Frank. Tum te ta ta tum... BLAM! GAKK AIEEE!! They got Frank!! RUN. You got 'im! He's a big one, too! Nice shot, Bamb. Somebody get the camera! ... needless to say, Frank's family was upset when he didn't come home that night, but everybody understood that the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion, so some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Another parent-teacher conference. Your turn.
Calvin and Hobbes look for animal tracks in the new snow. Calvin notices bird and rabbit tracks. He sees the animals were chased by something. Calvin notices the big pads, so it might be a wolf. There are no claw impressions, so maybe it's a mountain lion. Or maybe Hobbes. Calvin says that explains the cold wet feet in bed that morning. Hobbes talks about how he felt the animals needed some exercise.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1994
I don't think the schools assign enough homework.
Dad comes home to see several snowmen in the yard. They are yelling while one is eaten by a giant snow monster. Dad doesn't think schools assign enough homework.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1994
Some kids at school got filthy rich today. Really? How? They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes some kids at school got filthy rich today. Hobbes asks how. Calvin says they grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1994
Here, you'll probably want this pillow. What for? It's like an air bag. Hold it in front of your head like this as we go down. Don't you feel safer now? I certainly do.
On the toboggan, Calvin hands Hobbes a pillow. He tells Hobbes it's like an air bag. He tells Hobbes to hold it in front of his head, then shows how he's doing it. He asks Hobbes if he feels safer now. Hobbes gets off the toboggan and says yes.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1994
Yes! POW. Wasn't that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend would've been happy for me!
Calvin hits Hobbes with a snowball. He asks if Hobbes noticed what a great shot that was and if he noticed the top spin. Hobbes gets out of the snow angrily. Calvin's clothes are hanging from a tree branch out of reach. Calvin stands in his underwear in the snow. He says a real friend would have been happy for him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1994
Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "What's wrong with this idiout?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Maybe they're not very self-aware. Boy, that's ANOTHER thing that gets on my nerves!
Calvin tells Hobbes that some people complain all the time. He goes on to say they never let things go. Those people drive Calvin nuts. He says they don't change the subject, and you wonder what's wrong with them. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says maybe they're not self-aware. Calvin says that's another thing that gets on his nerves.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1994
We need more extension cords.
Calvin sits on his sled with an electric fan behind him. Hobbes holds the end of the electric cord. He tells Calvin they need more extension cords.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1994
The courageous Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, lands on yet another bizarre planet! Setting his death ray blaster on "frappe", our hero sets off in search of alien weirdness! Zounds! A mysterious mist materializes out of nowhere! The fearless Spiff can't see a thing! ... so we add two to four... OUR HERE'S IN A TOTAL FOG! The atmosphere here is a... a... p-powerful se... se... sedative! Spiff can't keep his eyes o... open. KLUNK zzzzz. Our hero suddenly comes to!
Spaceman Spiff's craft plunges into the water. He climbs out swimming and is attacked by fish. Then a giant creature comes out of the water behind him. The creature asks if the water is too cold. Spiff says no. Mom leaves the bathroom saying he should stop his infernal screaming.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1994
OK, these are my footprints. Here I stop, hear something, and start to turn around. A few feet farther on, there's the impression of my body as I hit the ground. These are the powdered remains of the snowball that hit me. From the angle of particle dispersement, we can tell the snowball was thrown from over here, where we find... ...tiger tracks. Those could by ANYBODY's tiger tracks.
Calvin shows Hobbes his footprints in the snow. He shows an impression of his body when he hit the ground. He sees powdered remains of a snowball that hit him. He can tell the snowball was thrown from over by a tree, based on the angle of particle dispersement. He sees tiger tracks. Hobbes says those could be anybody's tiger tracks.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1994
POW! I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant. Some people sure can't take a compliment.
Calvin throws a snowball and hits Susie. As she marches over to him, he says the stinging snow makes her cheeks look radiant. As he lies in the snow, Calvin says some people can't take a compliment.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1994
Shrimp.
Calvin looks up as Dad walks by. He looks up as Mom walks by. He builds a tiny snowman. He looks down at it and calls it "shrimp".
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20 JAN 1994
Circumstantial evidence, that's all you've got! You can't get a fair trial in this town.
Susie sees a snowball pass overhead. Several others come, some hitting her. She walks over to Calvin, who is standing next to a wheelbarrow. He tells her all she has is circumstantial evidence. As he lies in the snow, he says you can't get a fair trial in this town.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1994
I couldn't stand being a girl. I can't stand you either way. When guys grow up, they get to play with cards, sports equipment, cameras, stereos, electric tools... you name it. But girls don't get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad. I guess girls actually mature as they get older. I can't wait until I'm old enough to "putter around".
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Susie he couldn't stand being a girl. He says when guys grow up, they play with cars, stereos, you name it. Girls don't get toys when they grow up. They just buy clothes and shoes. He says that's sad. Susie guesses girls actually mature as they grow older.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JAN 1994
On the other hand, the neighbors keep planting nice been trees next to us.
Mom and Dad look at a snowman. It's holding a shrunken snow head, with others in a snow pot next to it. Mom comments that on the other hand, the neighbors keep planting big trees next to them.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JAN 1994
munch munch WHUNK! GAAAA!! GRRRRRRRR OOMF! munch munch. I'm still hungry. I fixed you a nice lunch. You can wait until dinner.
Calvin says a snowman looks unoriginal. He walks on to see one with female features. Calvin says provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something important. He critiques a snowman family he sees. Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard being the sole guardian of high culture as he makes a snow scene. Hobbes says talent like theirs carries enormous responsibilities. They have made a snow UFO with two snow aliens. A snowman lies decapitated as they add to the scene.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JAN 1994
Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create? Dad, I can't hear this commercial. If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
Dad tells Calvin their lives are filled with machines designed to reduce their work. Dad asks what they do with all their leisure. He asks Calvin if they educate themselves, explore, invent or create. Calvin tells Dad he can't hear a commercial on television. Calvin is booted out of the house. Calvin says if it were left up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JAN 1994
I KNOW I have hat hair, so you don't need to tell me. Actually, it's not that different.
Calvin comes into the house. He takes his boots, coat, and hat off. His hair is all messed up. As he comes up to Hobbes, Calvin says he knows he has hat hair, Hobbes doesn't need to tell him. Hobbes says it's not that different.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JAN 1994
See? if you jump right, you don't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.
Calvin has shoveled some holes on the sidewalk. Dad tries to step in the holes to get to the house. Calvin tells him that if he jumps right, Calvin doesn't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JAN 1994
Test: 1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock? 1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
Calvin is taking a test. He answers a question, then adds that although he memorized a fact to pass a test question, he will forget it forever. He states they've taught him nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Calvin says they say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JAN 1994
2. Where is Plymouth Rock? I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field. I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
Calvin looks at a test question. He answers he's not at liberty to divulge the information as it might compromise agents in the field. He says he understands his tests are popular reading in the teacher's lounge.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JAN 1994
Gimme a quarter, Twinky. Your simian countenance unusually rich in species diversity. What? Here you go. That was worth 25 cents.
Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin tells Moe his simian countenance suggests a heritage rich in species diversity. Moe wonders what that meant while Calvin gives him a quarter. Calvin walks off stating that was worth 25 cents.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JAN 1994
Hey, there's some sort of remote control gizmo in this drawer. I wonder what it does. Click. WAAA! Mom?? Dad??? CALVIN! SIGHHH. Calvin, that's very annoying.
Calvin is reading his school book. He walks away. Calvin the dinosaur stalks a diplodocus. He crouches in hiding, waiting for the surprise attack. The diplodocus gets closer to the trees. Mom opens a door. Calvin jumps out, yelling at her. She's terrified. Calvin sits reading his book again, wondering what's wrong with taking a little break.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JAN 1994
Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do?
Dad gets up from his chair and starts walking. He stops. He asks Mom why he can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but he can't remember what he got up to do.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 FEB 1994
Eep! scritch scritch scritch scritch . You know, Mom blames ME for scuffing up the floor. I wish your parents would take out these floor boards and put down some sod.
Calvin looks behind him and is shocked. He jumps to the side as Hobbes skids by. Hobbes scratches at the floor for traction. He lands up against a desk, upside down. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom blames him for scuffing up the floor. Hobbes wishes Mom and Dad would take out the floorboards and put down some sod.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 FEB 1994
Look, Mom, I made you some subtitles. Hmm? When you're talking to me, you choose the appropriate card to translate what you're saying, and prop it against your feet for me to read. For example, if you say "Go to bed NOW," you can use this card, which says, "You've got ten minutes until I blow my stack." See? Then I'll know what you mean. I don't need translation! I've even got subtitles for parentisms like "You're going to poke somebody's eye out with that."
Calvin makes Mom some subtitles. He explains she should choose the card to translate what she's saying and prop it against her feet for him to read. He gives an example of Mom saying for Calvin to go to bed now. The card states he has ten minutes until she blows her stack. Mom says she doesn't need translation. Calvin even has subtitles for parentisms like "you're going to poke someone's eye out with that".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 FEB 1994
Why are you following me around? Why are you following me around? And why are you repeating what I say? And why are you repeating what I say? If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. The incredibly annoying human echo strikes again!
Hobbes asks Calvin why he's following him around. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes asks why he repeats what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says if Calvin's going to do that, he won't say anything. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Calvin thinks the incredibly annoying human echo strikes again.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 FEB 1994
Stop repeating everything I say.Stop repeating everything I say.Quit it. Quit it. I'm an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains! At least you have the courage to admit it. Sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
Hobbes tells Calvin to stop repeating what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to quit it. Calvin again repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says he's an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains. Calvin says at least he has the courage to admit it. Pounded into the ground, Calvin says sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 FEB 1994
How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. "We can a priori and prior to all given objects have a knowledge of those conditions on which alone experience of them is possible, but never of the laws to which things may in themselves be subject without reference to possible experience." We can ah peoria and ...um... snow down, what? Hold on. Thbbpbptt! Cheater.
Hobbes asks how much longer Calvin will repeat what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to keep at it. Calvin repeats Hobbes' words. Hobbes reads from a book of philosophy. Calvin tries to copy what Hobbes is saying, but he can't keep up. Hobbes sticks out his tongue at Calvin. Calvin calls him a cheater.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 FEB 1994
OOMF! Cat nap, noun: a quick, light doze in the manner of cats. I KNOW what it means!
Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 FEB 1994
You'll never get ahead by lying around, you know? Who are we racing? Obviously, we're... um... well... uh... I'm too busy to explain this stuff! I've got important work to do! VERY important! Let me know if you win.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin says he'll never get ahead by lying around. Hobbes asks who they're racing. Calvin doesn't know what to say. He walks off, saying he's too busy to explain it. He has important work to do. Hobbes lies down and says to let him know if he wins.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 FEB 1994
Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?? Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN, I promise! Hmph. I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
Calvin yells to someone in the hallway at school. He says he'll have a blistering retort in a day or two. He grumbles. He wishes he could think of comeback lines on the spot.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 FEB 1994
Your whiskers are too unruly. You should wax them and make a handlebar mustache. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. You'd think a guy who cleans humself with his tongue would be open to grooming suggestions.
Calvin tells Hobbes his whiskers are too unruly. He says Hobbes should wax them and make them into a handlebar mustache. Hobbes chases Calvin. Calvin darts around a corner saying a guy who cleans himself with his tongue should be open to grooming suggestions.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 FEB 1994
Here's the latest poll on your performance as Dad. Your approval rating is pretty low, I'm afraid. That's because there's not necessarily any connection between what's good and what's popular. I do what's right, not what gets approval. You'll never kep the job with THAT attitude. If someone else offers to do it, let me know.
Dad's latest performance poll is pretty low. Dad says there's not a connection between what's good and what's popular. He does what's right, not what gets approval. Calvin tells him with that attitude, he'll never keep the job. Dad says if someone else offers to do it, to let him know.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 FEB 1994
Test: 1. What important event took place on December 16, 1773? I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one, and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question, therefore, is meaningless and impossible to answer. When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
Calvin reads a test question. He answers he doesn't believe in linear time. There is no past or future. He states the question is meaningless and impossible to answer. He says when in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 FEB 1994
YAAAAA. RRRRRR. OK, it's harder than it looks. Goodness, how did you guys ever live long enough to invent tools?
Calvin sneaks up behind Hobbes and attacks. He jumps on Hobbes' back and scratches. As he gets down, he tells Hobbes it's harder than it looks. Hobbes wonders how mankind ever lived long enough to invent tools.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 FEB 1994
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
Calvin gets a valentine card in the mail. Hobbes tells him to read it. Calvin reads a love poem from Susie. Hobbes torments Calvin, saying there are muchas smooches for El Conkisstador. Calvin thinks this is a nightmare, while Hobbes shouts that Susie and Calvin love each other. Calvin wonders what to do. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Calvin gets a slushball and pelts Susie with it. He says that's what he thinks about her valentine card. Susie didn't send him a card. Susie runs off. Calvin wonders who did send it. Hobbes is singing "Matchmaker". Calvin realizes Hobbes tricked him. He chases Hobbes. Hobbes says love makes the world go round. Calvin threatens that Hobbes will see stars go round.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 FEB 1994
I wish I had amazing super powers. If you work and study real hard for years and years, you could develop the powers you already have. Maybe I can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates me into a living liquid. Try to find one that mutates you into someone with a work ethic.
Calvin wishes he had super powers. Dad says if he works and studies real hard, he could develop powers he already has. Calvin wonders if he can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates him into a living liquid. Dad suggests he find one that mutates him into someone with a work ethic.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 FEB 1994
Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.
Calvin and Hobbes build snowmen. One has a golf club and is ready to hit his head on the ground. One looks as though he dove off a springboard head first into the snow. Another snowman, has a tennis racket stuck through his head. Calvin says Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 FEB 1994
DING DONG. Heh heh heh. Oh! Oop! ...um... Hi, Mrs. Derkins. I was hoping Susie would answer the ...uh... I mean, um, I'm selling huge snowballs. Would you like to buy one? My "Plan A's" are great, but my "Plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
Calvin rings Susie's doorbell with a big snowball. He lifts it to hit Susie when she opens the door. Susie's Mom answers. Calvin tries to cover up by saying he's selling snowballs. Calvin walks off saying his "plan A's" are great, but his "plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 FEB 1994
POW! LOOK OUT! My snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. They do not, you big liar!
Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. After it hits, he yells to look out. Hobbes says his snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. Calvin, covered with snow, says they do not and calls Hobbes a liar.
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18 FEB 1994
I wish this sled had a speedometer so we could know how fast we're going. I suppose we could measure the hill, time our descent, calculate our rate in feet per minute, and convert that into miles per hour. That sounds like math. Um, yes. Suddenly I stopped caring.
Going down the hill on their sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had a speedometer to know how fast they go. Hobbes suggests they measure the hill, time the descent, and calculate the speed. Calvin says that sounds like math. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells Hobbes he suddenly stopped caring.
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19 FEB 1994
What's THIS snowman? He's a paleontologist. He's looking for cretaceous snow dinosaurs. Why does he look so sad? He realized that snow doesn't fissilize. It just melts. Your nowmen lead tragic lives. Well, they're not very bright.
Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman paleontologist. Hobbes asks why the snowman looks sad. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman just realized snow doesn't fossilize. It just melts. Hobbes says Calvin's snowmen lead tragic lives. Calvin says they're not too bright.
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20 FEB 1994
Get going or you'll miss the school bus. Uh... greetings. My name is Calvin. POOF. Grittings. Ma name is Kahlfin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Um... yes! Well Calvin, here's your lunchbox. Have a good day at school. Hoffa gud tay. Lunboks. Hi Calvin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Heeryor lunkboks. Hoffa gut tay askool. Calvin's principal says to say hello. Huh boy. It troo! Dat darn Kahlfun stole ma spacechip!
Two superheroes, one man and one woman, are fighting. He hits her, while she blasts him with a distortion blaster. Calvin stops reading his comic book and walks off in a daze. He turns on television. Mom turns it off and tells Calvin there is too much violence on TV. She tells him to read something.
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21 FEB 1994
CALVIN, I'M LATE FOR WORK!
A large group of snowmen are set up crossing the yard and the driveway. Dad can't get the car down the driveway. He yells to the house to Calvin. He yells that he's late for work.
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22 FEB 1994
How much is that tiger in the window? The one who does nothing but sleep? We'll spread him out flat in the rec room and have a new rug if he's cheap!
Hobbes is lying down. Calvin sings about the tiger in the window sleeping. He sings they'll spread him flat in the rec room and have a new rug. Calvin laughs and walks away. Hobbes tackles him.
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23 FEB 1994
Yes, Calvin? Why aren't you teaching us the gender of nouns? Is "desk" masculine? Is "chair" feminine? Foreign kids know, but WE don't! No wonder we can't compete in a global market! I demand sex education. ...I wonder if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
Calvin asks the Miss Wormwood why she isn't teaching them the genders of nouns. He asks if a desk is masculine and a chair feminine. He says it's no wonder why they can't compete in a global market. He demands sex education. Calvin asks if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
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24 FEB 1994
YAWWW. Trifle not with tired tigers.
Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Hobbes yawns, showing his fangs. He stretches his claws. Calvin walks away, saying to trifle not with tired tigers.
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25 FEB 1994
I bet I can knock Dad's hat off with this snowball. I bet you can't/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. You're on, fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy, five inches higher would've done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2,500 so far.
Calvin bets he can knock Dad's hat off with a snowball. Hobbes bets a hundred dollars he can't. Calvin tosses the snowball. In bed later, Calvin grumbles that five inches higher would have done it. He says Hobbes always gets him in trouble. Hobbes reminds Calvin he owes him $2500 so far.
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26 FEB 1994
Why should OTHER people benefit from MY hard work?
Calvin is shoveling. As he digs, he puts the snow behind him where he's already dug. Calvin asks why other people should benefit from his hard work.
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27 FEB 1994
Ah, what a lovely day to go sailing, eh Marsha? Our new boat is just wonderful, Bradley. What do you say we drop anchor and go for a swim, dearest? That sounds delightful, darling! Let's go! Ploosh ploosh. AAA!! AAA!! This lake is boiling hot! We're getting scalded!! Get out of the water! AA! OW! AA! OW! I've got second degree burns all over! What kind of lake IS this?! We need medical attention, Bradley! Pull up the anchor! Bradley, we're going the wrong way! I can't help it, Marsha! The wind is blowing us over here, toward the... the... THE WATERFALL! OH NO! AAAAA! BLUB BLUB! AAAA! GLUB GLUB GLUB! Help, help! The wind is picking up again! Hang on! We're flying right out of the water! Don't look don, Marsh! We're miles high! Uh oh! The wind suddenly stopped!! AAAAaaaaaaaa. We ... we're alive! Somehow we landed in another lake! But where ARE we?? I have a bad feeling about this, Bradley. IT'S A GIGANTIC WHIRLPOOL!! WE'RE GOING DOWN! WAAAAAA!! Here's the problem. That'll be $150. Somebody ELSE is going to pay for this too.
Calvin comes home, opens the door, gets a camera out of a box, then yells that he's home. As Hobbes pounces on him, he takes a picture. He shows Dad a picture of Hobbes leaping at him and says that's what Hobbes does when he comes home. Later, Hobbes is insulted to know Dad thinks Calvin tossed Hobbes into the air for the picture. Calvin says he has to get a video camera.
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28 FEB 1994
Should I stay inside or go out? It's awfully cold out, but I suppose I could bundle up. It looks windy though. But still, I'd like to go sledding. Then again, maybe I'd rather stay in. On the other hand... GO OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR! The more indecisive I am, the faster things get decided.
Calvin opens the door to see snow outside. He asks if he should stay inside or go out. He holds the door open while wondering if he could bundle up for the cold. He says he'd like to go sledding. Calvin wonders if he should stay in. He gets kicked out the door. Outside the house, Calvin says the more indecisive he is, the faster things get decided.
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01 MAR 1994
I like following the news! News organizations know I won't sit still for any serious discussion of complex and boring issues. They give me what I want: antics, emotional confrontation, sound bites, scandal, sob stories and popularity polls all packaged as a soap opera and horse race! It's very entertaining. Then commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. You can tell this is an in-depth story, because it's got an article next to the chart.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes following the news. He says they give him what he wants: antics, sound bites, scandal and popularity polls packaged as a soap opera. He says it's entertaining. Hobbes says commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. Calvin says you can tell this is an in-depth story because it's got an article next to the chart.
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02 MAR 1994
I saw a sing on a restaurant door that said, "No shirt, no shoes, no service." But it didn't say anything about PANTS! If I went in wearing shoes and a shirt, but no pants, they'd have to serve me! They'd probably serve you with a court summons. C'mon, let's see if Mom will take us out for dinner!
Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a sign that said "no shirt, no shoes, no service". He goes on to say it didn't say anything about pants. He thinks they'd have to serve him if he had shoes and a shirt, but no pants. Hobbes thinks they'd serve him with a court summons. Calvin pulls off his pants and asks Hobbes to join him to see if Mom will take them out for dinner.
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03 MAR 1994
There! Whatcha doin'? I've hidden a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard! Now when my enemies come after me, I need only run to the nearest tree to be instantly armed. Ingenious. Now I need to make some enemies. I'll be one.
Calvin has a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard. He tells Hobbes when his enemies come for him, he just has to run to the nearest tree to be armed. He says he needs to make some enemies. Behind his back, Hobbes grabs a snowball and says he'll be one.
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04 MAR 1994
It offends the human ego that nature is indifferent to us. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It refuses to be tamed. It does whatever it wants and acts like people don't matter. It won't confirm our right to be here. That drives people crazy. We can't stand being ignored. It's insulting and ... hey! YAWWNN. I think that's also why some people don't like cats.
Calvin tells Hobbes it offends human ego that nature is indifferent to them. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It acts like people don't care. He tells Hobbes that drives people crazy. They can't stand being ignored. Hobbes yawns and walks away. Calvin says that's also why some people don't like cats.
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05 MAR 1994
I'm writing a novel. What's it about? It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW!
Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a novel. It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. Hobbes walks off, and Calvin yells after him that they say to write what you know.
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06 MAR 1994
Look at all the stars! The universe just goes out forever and ever! It kind of makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big screaming deal. That's why we stay inside with our appliances.
Calvin looks at his green dinner. It stands up, speaking Hamlet's soliloquy. When he finishes, the dinner sits on the plate. Calvin blinks. The dinner stands up singing "Feelings". Mom takes the plate away, saying Calvin ate that right up. She asks if he liked it. Calvin tells her not to have it ever again.
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07 MAR 1994
Take out your math homework and pass it forward, class. Boy, It's a good thing I did it. Huh?? My answers! They're running away! Come back! My homework paper!
The teacher asks for the class math papers. Calvin pulls it out, but the numbers jump off the page. He yells for the answers to come back. The paper catches fire.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAR 1994
My homework exploded! Somebody pull the fire alarm! Help!! It's out of control! It's spreading! Aughh! Put it out!! Young man, I'm tired of these constant disruptions! It's not my fault! It was an accident! Maybe THIS will teach you a lesson! Ha ha ha! No! No! Ackk! Help! Get the PTA! Miss Wormwood's an alien!
Calvin yells that his paper exploded. He says it's spreading as he tries to put the fire out. Miss Wormwood says she's tired of his constant disruptions. Calvin pleads that it was an accident. Miss Wormwood is a monster who pours gasoline on Calvin and says this will teach him a lesson. Calvin yells for help.
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09 MAR 1994
I'm doomed! It's too late! Nothing can save me now! I'm going down in flames! AAAAAAA
Calvin says nothing can save him now. He jumps, burning, from the desk. He falls from high above the city.
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10 MAR 1994
AAAA GAAA!! Hehh... hoo... hah... hehh... ...it was just a dream... my homework didn't explode. I'm not... MY HOMEWORK! I FORGOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I wish he'd sleep outside.
Calvin plunges toward the ground. He wakes up from sleep. He's glad it was just a dream and his homework didn't explode. He realizes, though, that he didn't do his homework.
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11 MAR 1994
Hobbes, wake up! I forgot to do my math homework! It's two in the morning. But Miss Wormwood's going to collect it tomorrow! If I don't have it, she'll kill me! I had a nightmare about it! C'mon, we'll have to do the assignment now, while there's still time! This feels like a nightmare too. Do you think if we woke up Mom, she'd let us have coffee?
Calvin wakes Hobbes up to say he hasn't done his homework. He says he'll get killed if he doesn't do it. He had a nightmare about it. He hops down from bed, saying they'll have to do it now. Sleepily, Hobbes says this feels like a nightmare. Calvin asks if Hobbes if he thinks Mom would let him have coffee.
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12 MAR 1994
Wow, listen to the wind howl. It's really snowing! Pretty creepy. Things are ALWAYS creepy at 2:00am. Hey, I'll bet tomorrow's a snow day! I'll bet they close the schools! Let's call the superintendent and see! If tomorrow's a snow day, we can go right back to bed! ...or maybe we will anyway. Who IS this?!? You have two seconds to improve my mood.
Calvin notices how creepy it is with the snow and wind blowing. Hobbes says it's always creepy at 2:00 AM. He bets tomorrow is a snow day. He decides to call the superintendent to see. He says if tomorrow is a snow day, they can go right back to bed. As Calvin is on the phone, Dad comes up behind him. Calvin sees him and thinks maybe they will be going back to bed right away.
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13 MAR 1994
No text
Calvin show Hobbes some trash dumped outside. He says people seem to forget others have to live on the planet. Calvin doesn't understand why humans evolved as thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Hobbes says it can't stay that way forever. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks they'll get smarter. Hobbes says that's one of the two possibilities. Calvin stops and thinks. He says maybe they'll stop polluting before it's too late. Hobbes says they're all holding their breath.
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14 MAR 1994
Time to get up, Calvin. Is it a snow day? Did they close the schools? I've got the radio on, so we'll hear. Get ready anyway, though. Oh man, I hope I hope I hope. If school's closed, I'll have the whole day to do the math homework I forgot yesterday. If school's open, I'm in big trouble. Suddenly I feel extremely religious. Another deathbed conversion.
Mom wakes Calvin. He asks if the school is closed for snow. She says the radio is on. She tells him to get ready. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll have the whole day to do his homework if school is closed. Calvin glances up and says he suddenly feels religious. Hobbes says it's another deathbed conversion.
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15 MAR 1994
Ha ha! They just announced the schools are closed! It's a snow day! WHEEEEEEE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Talk about luck! Now you can do your homework and you won't get in trouble! Right, but there's over two feet of snow that requires our immediate and undivided attention. First things first. Math will still be there when the snow melts.
Calvin is overjoyed a snow day was declared. Hobbes says Calvin can now do his homework and not get into trouble. Calvin says there are over two feet of snow requiring their immediate attention. As they trudge through the snow, Hobbes says "first things first". Calvin says math will be there when snow melts.
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16 MAR 1994
Don't you think you'd enjoy this more if you did your math assignment first, so it wasn't hanging over your head? I'm a practical man, Hobbes. I don't waste time thinking about hypothetical situations. I heal with the world here and now. And the incontrovertible fact is that I'm outside in the snow! THAT's reality! THAT's what I think about! Tomorrow's a reality too. Hypothetically, it might be another snow day.
As they play, Hobbes asks Calvin if he'd enjoy playing more if his homework was done. Calvin says he doesn't waste his time thinking about hypothetical situations. He says the fact is that he's outside. That's reality and what he thinks about. Hobbes says tomorrow is a reality, also. Hypothetically, Calvin says, it might be another snow day.
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17 MAR 1994
What a busy day! I'm pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear, so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish I'd done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish I'd done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now it's too late. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Hobbes yawns after a busy day. Calvin says the roads are clear, so they'll probably have school tomorrow. Now he wishes he had done his math homework instead of playing outside all day...or after dinner...or instead of watching TV. Now it's too late. He says a day can slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
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18 MAR 1994
Oh, I wish I'd done my math homework! Now the teacher's going to collect it and I'm as good as dead! Why did I do this to meyself?! I even had an extra day to get it done! Instead, I goofed off and now I'm going to pay for it! Boy, I've learned my lesson! This day has been nothing but dread, and I could've avoided it all! Here she comes! Goodbye, world! I'll collect your homework tomorrow, class. Susie, quick. Am I sitting in a beam of light? Looks more like a puddle of sweat. Why?
Calvin sits at his desk, wishing he had done his homework. He asks why he did this to himself. He had an extra day, and he still goofed off. He says he learned his lesson. Miss Wormwood comes into the room. The bell rings. Class is over. Miss Wormwood says she'll collect their homework tomorrow. Calvin asks Susie if he's sitting in a beam of light. She says it looks more like a puddle of sweat.
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19 MAR 1994
I couldn't believe it! The bell rang just as the teacher was about to collect the homework I didn't do! That's twice you've been saved at the last minute. But I've learned my lesson THIS time. From now on, it's work before pleasure! No exceptions! And it will be a PLEASURE to have that homework done! C'mon, let's work on a snowman. No exceptions.
Calvin tells Hobbes the bell rang just as the homework was going to be collected. Hobbes says that's twice he's been saved at the last minute. Calvin says he's learned his lesson. He says it's work before pleasure. He runs off, saying it will be a pleasure to have that homework done. He goes to work on a snowman.
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20 MAR 1994
Time! Wow, 15 minutes and 20 seconds! Ha! Beat that! Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. GO!
Mom asks Dad if there was any good mail. Dad says there's a charity request and a women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all body flaws. There are catalogs and an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. He sees a new magazine identifying trends they're missing and a hobby magazine showing equipment he must have. He asks why he gets the feeling society is trying to make them discontented with everything they do and insecure about who they are. Mom supposes if people thought about real issues instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse. Dad asks if throwing the mail out would make him some kind of terrorist. Mom says it's their patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Calvin comes in saying he saw products on TV he didn't know existed, but he desperately needs.
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21 MAR 1994
I'm determined to set the world record for having one's finger continuously in one's nose. I can't believe there's even such a category. In that case, call me "champ"!
Calvin tells Hobbes he is trying for a world's record for having one finger in his nose. Hobbes can't believe there is such a category. Calvin declares himself "champ".
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22 MAR 1994
This piece of pie is awfully darn small! Life could be worse, Calvin. Life could be a lot BETTER, too! ...but worse is more likely.
Calvin says his piece of pie is small. Mom says life could be worse. He replies that life could be better, too. In bed, he grumbles that worse is more likely.
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23 MAR 1994
I've decided to suffer from low self-esteem. Is that a fact. From now on, my goal is to feel good about myself. You're going to work harder at everything and build character? No, I'm going to whine until I get the special treatment I like. I wonder if anyone else is as scared about the future as I am. I've found that immediate gratification is the only thing that helps me.
Calvin tells Dad he decided he suffers from low self-esteem. His goal now is to feel good about himself. Dad asks if he'll work harder and build some character. Calvin says he's going to whine until he gets the special treatment he likes. Dad wonders if anyone else is as scared for the future as he. Calvin says immediate gratification is the only thing that helps him.
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24 MAR 1994
Ewww! What's this, something scraped off the bottom of boots?? I'm not eating it! Calvin, I made this last week and you said it was your favorite meal of all time and you wished we could have it every day for the rest of your life! Well, now I hate it. Another day, another gray hair for Mom!
Calvin asks what his dinner is, something scraped off the bottom of boots. Mom says she made it last week and Calvin had said it was his favorite meal of all time. He wished they could have it every day. He says now he hates it. Mom is frustrated. Calvin says "another day, another gray hair for Mom".
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25 MAR 1994
I'm ho-oOAAUGH! KAPOW! Man, this was cat a-pulted! Hee hee hee! You're a riot, Hobbes.
Calvin comes home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes says this was "cat a-pulted". Calvin, lying on the floor, says Hobbes is a riot.
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26 MAR 1994
These colors really aren't enough, so I have to mix some to get the specific hues I need. See, here I start with a layer of brown. Then I add olive green and scrub a little orange and yellow ochre into it. Finally, I top it with lime green, purple and tan. Wow, perfect barf! You'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like this.
Calvin is coloring a picture. He decides his colors aren't enough. He needs to make specific hues. He takes brown, olive green, a little orange and yellow ochre. Then he tops it with lime green, purple, and tan. Hobbes says it's perfect barf. Calvin says you'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like he has.
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27 MAR 1994
You know, Hobbes, some days even my luck rocketship underpants don't help. Well, you've done all you can do.
Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a planet, captured by a horrible yukbarf. The alien says to take Spiff to the dungeon. It looks like a living room. Spiff asks what kind of dungeon this is. He asks if they aren't going to torture him. The alien says yes. He asks Spiff to sit to discuss wholesome principles. Dad tells Calvin life is tough, and suffering builds character. He says virtue is its own reward, and nothing worth having ever comes easy. Calvin yells.
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28 MAR 1994
I don't like your face. Then don't look at it. I'd rather change it. Haw! I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.
Moe tells Calvin he doesn't like Calvin's face. Calvin tells him not to look at it. Moe would rather change it, and he socks Calvin. Calvin, lying against a locker, says he doesn't care about being accepted. He'd settle for being ignored.
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29 MAR 1994
Greetings. I am Blor-Utar from Zimtok-5. I have come to subjugate the human race. Do not resist. Why humans? Because, in addition to their value as slave labor, they are also delicious and nutritious! Ha ha ha! But first, for your Earth customer of "Show and Tell", I will exhibit some of our terrifying weaponry. Snekk blog u-lar mekhh! Gahghh! Rk! All right, Calvin, that's quite enough. Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some special school or something?
An alien says he's come to subjugate the human race. He says in addition to their value as slave labor, they're delicious and nutritious. He says for the custom of "show and tell", he'll show some of his terrible weaponry. Calvin is in front of the class. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that's enough. One of the students asks if Calvin shouldn't be in some special school.
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30 MAR 1994
When it snows, you can go sledding. When it's windy, you can fly kites. When it's hot, you can go swimming. But when it's raining... sigh... ... the only sport is driving Mom crazy.
Calvin says when it snows, you can go sledding. When it's windy, you can fly kites. He looks out the window lamenting that when it's raining, the only sport is driving Mom crazy. He grabs a pot and spoon.
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31 MAR 1994
I thought I had a great idea. But it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. I've had ideas like that.
Calvin tells Hobbes he had a great idea, but it never took off. It didn't get on the runway. He says you could say it exploded in the hangar.
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01 APR 1994
ZZZZZZZZ How could you miss that? It was right TO you! You throw too hard!
Calvin catches a baseball. It goes right through him. He looks at the ball behind him and the hole in him. Hobbes asks how he could miss the ball. Calvin says he threw it too hard.
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02 APR 1994
Ewww, look! This bug is eating another bug! Yukkk! Blecchh! Gross! Ick! Ick! Blbpbblpth! I can't believe I looked at that! Ew! Ew! Hacckkhh! Gaaacck! Great experiences are even better when they're shared.
Calvin sees a bug eating another bug. Hobbes says yuck. They both act like they're creeped out. Calvin says he can't believe they looked at that. They are both grossed out. Calvin says great experiences are even better when they're shared.
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03 APR 1994
...YAWWNN... OOMP! WAAAAAAAAAAA. LET GO OF ME, YOU MALEVOLENT, MUREROUS MORON!! It's MORNING! Now we can do stuff again! C'mon! Wheee!
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04 APR 1994
Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry. On the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
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05 APR 1994
Calvin, come out from wherever you are hiding and take your bath! DO YOU HEAR ME, CALVIN?! I MEAN NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it was MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
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06 APR 1994
Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1994
I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!
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08 APR 1994
Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1994
County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.
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10 APR 1994
Ugh, I hate going to the subconscious. Me too! Why doesn't anyone ever clean this dump? Here's a movie reel. I suppose it's as good as any. I grabbed these two. Let's get them back to central cognition. W can run this reel first. I hope these are ebtter than last night's movies. Hurry up! The lights are dimming! Help me thread the projector! Yikes, this is awful! Where did you guys FIND this? Oops, the next reel isn't even from the same film. Good! Put it on! This one is even worse! I guess it's some sort of suspense movie. Why can't we ever watch anything good? Maybe YOU should get the movies next time! AUGH! Monsters! Monsters! Turn it off! Too scary!! Quick, try another reel! This one makes no sense! What's going on?? Has this been dubbed from some other language? None of these make sense! We're splicing them all out of order. What a waste of time! The lights are coming back on! Show's over! Finally! I thought this would never end. Back to work! Man your stations! Full alert! Whoo, I had so many strange dreams! ... I wonder what they mean.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1994
I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1994
Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1994
Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1994
What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1994
Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1994
OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1994
The fearless Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, gazes across the forbidding landscape of an uncharted planet! What dangers lie ahead for our hero? What horrible aliens inhabit this world? What strange adventures await the intrepid Spiff? What bizarre occurrence will our hero be the first to witness? The suspense! ...Our hero chucks a few rocks. ...sighhh... If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to MAKE some! Now yer talkin'!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1994
This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1994
A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1994
Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1994
OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1994
With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1994
There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1994
Bwa ha ha ha ee hee hee hee hee ehh heh heh heh ... a little more... a little more... PFOOSH! AAA! I won't fill this one so full. There! Perfect! heh heh. Dark knot! Ackk blpp! Stop it! Pbtt! It's too slippery! Ackpth! Blp! Now look, it's almost empty! I'll have to fill it again. Stupid balloon. ...a little more... ah! Perfect! IT SLIPPED OFF! FWOOSH.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1994
There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1994
All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1994
While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1994
No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1994
Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1994
Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1994
Hobbes have me the story idea. Flip the pages again! This was MY book!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1994
Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1994
Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1994
Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1994
Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1994
I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1994
I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1994
DING DONG. I'm coming, I'm coming. AAAA! I OPENED THE DOOR AND MY BIKE GOT IN!! HELLPP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! IT'S AN UNBALANCED BICYCLE!! SOMEBODY GET ME A SPOKE WRENCH! Hehh hoo hehh hoo. BACK! BACK! SLAM. Ha! You can't get me now! AIEE! TIRE TRACKS ON THE RUGS! OIL ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THAT KID?! Someday the neighbors will look out and wonder why there's a grown up man wearing a kid's clothes on our roof.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1994
Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1994
Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1994
When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1994
Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1994
Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1994
Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1994
I ordered the two tons of tenderloin. Oh yes. Drive around to the loading dock and I'll get the forklift. Calvin, lunchtime! Mayounnaise?! I like mustard! Maybe you should fix your OWN triceratops sandwich.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1994
Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1994
The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1994
Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1994
Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1994
... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1994
I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1994
Look, a snake! A big one! You think it's poisonous? Beats me. How can you tell? If it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. Har har. Look how it glides along. It's almost like a liquid. I wonder how they do that. He's flicking his tongue out. I think that's how they smell, but why would they smell with a tongue? Do snakes have eyelids? Do they sleep with their eyes open? Don't snakes eat mice? How could a snake swallow something bigger than its own head? Heck, we don't know ANYTHING about snakes. Maybe your Mom would get us a book. Yeah, let's go see! We'll be experts! We'll learn all there is to know! Hey, wait a minute! It's summer! I'm on vacation! I don't want to LEARN anything! If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun. Hmm... you really think so? Cooooooll.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1994
Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1994
This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1994
Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1994
Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1994
Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1994
This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1994
..h-hott.... ahhhh. ...not again...
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1994
Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1994
OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1994
I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.
Click for Comic Strip
There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1994
Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1994
I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1994
OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1994
We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do. But suppose there IS no meaning! Suppose life is fundamentally absurd! Suppose there's no reason or truth, or rightness in anything! What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? I guess there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Or suppose EVERYTHING matters. Which would be worse??
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1994
Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1994
Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1994
STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1994
I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1994
The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1994
Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1994
Oh boy! It's bedtime! SPROINGG. WOOOOOO. WULP! FWAPP SHOONK SWOOOSHHH SPLOOSH WAA! SHOOP THWUPP OOF! ...ahhh. Bedtime. Let's go. Aww, I hate getting ready for bed.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1994
My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1994
What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1994
Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1994
I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1994
POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1994
Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1994
Hup. PTCHOO AAA! Thpkxx! Hayfever season isn't ALL bad. You thig id's fuddy, bud id's dot. SLAM. Thxxxptb!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1994
What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1994
Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1994
What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1994
Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1994
THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1994
Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1994
My Mom and Dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on Earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups, they now walk among us. My parents deny this, but I know the truth. They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Eary each morning, as the sun rises, Mom and Dad put on their earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks weren't legit. Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit. The Earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run, wherever I go. They live by the clock. They're slaves to routine. They work the year 'round. They're almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. They're not of this Earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze, and they're warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this one is a gem. They're bringing me up to turn ME into THEM!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1994
CLICK. Pander to me!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1994
Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1994
On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1994
Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1994
Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1994
LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1994
BLOGG! Ukh huggablukk Spiff! Spiff?! Blecckh blecckh! We join our here, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he flees the awful bug beings of Zartron-9! Spiff's only chance is a daring strategy of head-to-head combat! Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death-ray blaster! ..tum te tum tum... I wish this booted up faster. C'mon, c'mon. There we go. Let's see. Get the "file" icon... double click on "blaster"... Hmm, pull down "settings"... get the dialog box... click on "rays"... select "death"... hit "OK". Hey, what's the matter? Why didn't my screen change?! Hit "F1" for "help"... "About blasters"... nope... "Calibrating blasters"... nope... " "charging the fizzler"... no... "fizzling the charger"... no... "incineration guidelines"... oh, this is annoying! Oh wait, I didn't enter the number of volts! That's it! Type in "gazillion", hit "OK". What?! "Invalid setting". DARN! Go back to "volts", highlight "gazillion", press "Delete", type in... KRAKK. SPIFF IS HIT! HE'S GOING DOWN! Hey, why won't this boot up? Has somebody been playing with this thing?! The whole thing went down, Dad. Luckily I jumped clear at the last second.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1994
Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1994
My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1994
I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1994
C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1994
OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1994
It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1994
Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning? Shut up.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1994
Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1994
Too bad you're not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know. The less often, the better, is what I say. We're just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos, we'll get rich! You can drop the "we" stuff. I'm not going. OK, well, I guess I'll have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said you're not going.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1994
I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1994
Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1994
There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1994
Hey! There's a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See, these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. He's smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1994
The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink... a VERY long drink! The ferocious allosaur is thirsty too! This means confrontation! ..ah heh heh... Fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type. Don't make me smack you across the hall, twerp.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1994
What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1994
Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! We're taking off! Eww, this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! We're off! Here. Boy, that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich, can I eat it?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1994
Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1994
Hobbes, look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Let's see! Wow, these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! There's me! There's me! Yes! Yes! We're RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. I'll buy a car too, but since I can't drive for another decade, we'll have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him, he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn, right?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1994
Well Dad, it's too bad you weren't any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep, I can't say I'm particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here, look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! We're going to be rich. I didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1994
Dad doesn't believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme won't work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money, he'd pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didn't want the money THAT bad.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1994
I hate Sundays. The day of is ruined by knowing I've got to get ready for school tomorrow. Why don't we get your chores done NOW, so we can enjoy the rest of the day without worry? Hmm... I hate to delay fun, but maybe you're on to something. This will make the fun MORE fun. At last! We got everything bad out of the way! There you are. It's time for bed. See if I ever listen to YOU again! Never put the low priorities first.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1994
A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1994
Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1994
My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1994
People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says "Calvin, certified genius." Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1994
AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1994
You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1994
The center snaps the ball to the quarterback! No he doesn't? NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball! A traitor! Calvin beaks for the goal! Whee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him! Nobody WANTS to! You're running toward your own goal! Huh?! When I learned you were a spy, I switched goals this is YOUR goal and mine's hidden! HIDDEN?! You'll never find it in a million years! I don't need to find it! As a traitor to your team, crossing MY goal counts as crossing YOUR goal! Ah, you might THINK so... In fact, I KNOW so! But the place I hid MY goal is right on top of YOUR goal, so the points will go to ME! But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll LOSE points if I cross your goal! Ha ha! But I'M a traitor too, so I'm really on YOUR team! I WANT you to cross my goal! The points will go to YOUR team, which is really MY team! That would be true... IF I were a football player! You mean...? I'm actually a badminton player DISGUISED as a double-agent football player!! And I'M secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player! Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball. No cheating!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1994
With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1994
Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1994
Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1994
Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1994
Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1994
ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1994
The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive, Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps there's a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! There's nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing, Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! What's down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! That's not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape, our hero mutters grimly.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1994
Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1994
You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1994
MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1994
Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1994
Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1994
You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1994
The world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1994
Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1994
"Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1994
What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1994
WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1994
AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1994
What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1994
I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1994
Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1994
Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1994
Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1994
Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1994
Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1994
Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1994
My, what an ugly tree? AAAGH. Where the heck did my leaf pile go?! It went back home! Don't you have anything bigger than a rake??
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1994
Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1994
How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1994
Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1994
OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1994
Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1994
Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1994
YAWWNN.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1994
Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1994
Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1994
The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1994
I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1994
What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1994
Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1994
I'm home! ...sighhhh... My life could stand a lot more pizzazz. Tell me about it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1994
Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer "Y", as in "Y do we care?" Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1994
Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1994
Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1994
I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1994
Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1994
OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1994
Now if it would only snow! While we're waiting, I'll draw more spirals above Susie's head.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1994
A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1994
In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1994
Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1994
How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1994
I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1994
How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1994
No text
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1994
Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1994
So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1994
Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1994
Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1994
Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called "Father knows zilch".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1994
What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1994
Doesn't it seem like everybody just shouts at each other nowadays? I think it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining and entertainment is marketable. Finding consensus and common ground is dull! Nobody wants to watch a civilized discussion that acknowledges ambiguity and complexity. We want to see fireworks! We want the sense of solidarity and identity that comes from having our interests narrowed and exploited by like-minded zealots! Talk show hosts, political candidates, news programs, special interest groups... they all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but we're all entertained. Hmm, you may be right. What a boring day THIS turned out to be.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1994
33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1994
What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1994
How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1994
Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1994
Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1994
Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1994
See any weirdness yet? How about this rock? It has a purple stripe. Hmm... I guess that's a LITTLE weird. We'll look for something weirder. What do you think of this stick? It's a strange stick, but not a weird stick. It's too bad there aren't any good bugs out now. Yes, bugs are usually weird. Hey, here's a bird feather. It's pretty. But it's not weird. A bald bird would be weird. I don't see one. Look! A ripped-up old kite! Some kid must have lost this last summer! Phooey. The string broke here. I was hoping we'd find the kid's skeleton up a tree at the other end. THAT would be weird. Well, let's go in. I'm cold. Me too. I guess some days weirdness is hard to find. My glasses are fogged and I can't blow my nose, but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age! Weirdness always starts at home. Even when you look for it, you're never prepared for it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1994
Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1994
That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1994
Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1994
Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1994
They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1994
I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1994
POW! Did you throw that snowball at me?! What snowball? Ohhhh. Don't play innocent with ME, buster! That snowball had your name written all over it! Oh yeah?! Yeah! It was sneaky, fiendish, vicious, treacherous, grim, and ruthless! Put all that together and it spells "tiger"! No it doesn't! It spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts!" Ooh, THAT does it! Ow! Hey! Stop that! Quit it! Leggo! No fair! No biting! Hey Calvin, you should have seen your expression when I hit you with that snowball! Ha ha! Ah hehh...
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1994
Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1994
DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1994
Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1994
Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1994
See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1994
CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1994
Let's try this path over here! I don't see a path. We'll MAKE a path! Huh boy. Change is invigorating! If you don't accept new challenges, you become complacent and lazy! Your life atrophies! New experiences lead to new questions and new solutions! Change forces us to experiment and adapt! That's how we learn and grow! Whoops... well, HERE's a fresh challenge. I'll admit it's opened up new horizons. The problem with new experiences is that they're rarely the ones you choose. I feel smarter already.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1994
CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1994
CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1994
Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1994
Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1994
It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1994
Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1994
Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1994
Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1994
WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1994
Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1994
Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1994
I'M HOME! There's no point in saving your lunch bags if you can't keep them cleaner than THIS! That's what YOU think.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1994
... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly, with a shaking rumble, he blows sky high! He's a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh, he spewed it all across the table!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1994
Outrage! Why should I go to bed? I'm not tired! It's only 7:30! This is tyranny! I'm ZZZZ Good night, Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. You're safe. What about the dresser? Calvin, I'm sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. I'll bet that's where they all are. They'll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So who's going to fall asleep? Well, we'll just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn, and I'll nail 'em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! What's all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and I'll finish him off!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1994
Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1994
Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1994
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1994
What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1994
I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1994
Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1994
No! goodness, what was all that fuss? Oh, Calvin didn't want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! I'm doomed. I can't believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! I've got you now, kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I don't want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die, fiend! Die, die!! Don't tell me he's letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1994
Hello, is your Dad there? No, he isn't. OK, will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! I've been shot! I hate taking messages.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1994
Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1994
Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1994
This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1994
Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1994
How's the diorama coming along? I'm almost finished. That didn't take too long. That's because I'm a genius. I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leveing those clouds of dust!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1994
Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world ... I'll set my Mertilizer on "deep fat fry." Calvin! You're not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! What's that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me, Fred.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1994
You've never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1994
I hate doing this stuff! It's too much work. Why should I bother? "Until you can stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." I can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1994
"Live for the moment" is MY motto. You never know how long you've got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then you'd be sorry you put off your pleasures! That's why I say "Live for the moment". What's YOUR motto? "Look down the road."
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1994
I've decided I don't want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure I'M more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well, I didn't mean right this second!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1994
Can we burn these leaves? No, that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter. I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1994
Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1994
We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly, a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiff's alive! He made it!! I'm alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings, Calvin.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1994
Hey Dad, I'll guess any number you're thinking of! Go ahead, and pick a number! Mm... OK, I've got it. Is it 92,376,051? By golly, it is! Wait a minute! You're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you?! No, you're psychic. Go show Mom.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1994
A lot of people don't have principles, but I do! I'm a highly principled person! I live according to one principle, and never deviate from it. What's your principle? "Look out for number one."
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1994
Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1994
Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1994
Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1994
That was quite a ride. I'll say. I've never seen a sled catch fire before. We're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1994
There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! "Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... " Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1994
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1994
I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1994
Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1994
This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1994
I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1994
OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1994
Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1994
When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1994
Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1994
For "Show and Tell" today, I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1994
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1994
EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1994
Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1994
I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1994
Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1994
Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1994
Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1994
Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1994
Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish we'd ged ad aquariub!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1994
What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1994
OK boys, have we loaded everything? Ah, there's still the matter of this Calvin, sir. His list is 30 pages long, not including the supplement about incendiary weapons. The research dept. thought you should handle this one personally. Well, is he naughty or nice? Ah, a bit problematic, chief... here's his dossier. Ohhh yes, the "noodle incident" kid... That was a while ago, boss. he says he was framed, and we've had trouble verifying the particulars. Accounts seem to vary. What about all these slushballs thrown at the girl down the street? My my my! No dispute there. Surveillance documents some 400 incidents, but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. Hmm... don't they all. A tiger vouches for the kid's character... says the kid tries to be sort of good if he's not tempted otherwise. What do his parents say? Here's the Dad's comments. We're looking into the sarcasm factor. all right. I've made up my mind. Is the boy asleep yet? Ah, no. He's wide awake. Santa won't come until we're asleep, you know. I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1994
WUMP!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1994
ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1994
Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1994
How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1994
Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1994
Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JAN 1995
I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
A herd of chasmosaurs is jittery. They face an even greater danger. Tyrannosaurs in F-14s. Playing with his toys, Calvin thinks this is so cool. Hobbes thinks it's so stupid.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JAN 1995
How are you doing on your New Year's resolutions? I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's "good". That implies certain values. But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't "better" than vice. It's just different. I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance. I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he's doing on his New Year's resolutions. Calvin didn't make any. He says to improve oneself, one must have an idea of what "good" is. Calvin explains values are relative. Virtue isn't "better" than vice, just different. Hobbes isn't sure he can tolerate that much tolerance. Calvin refuses to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JAN 1995
No! No! No! I need more sleep! I c-can't keep m-my eyes open! Bed?! Already?? But I'm wide awake!! My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
Mom tries pulling Calvin out of bed while he yells that he needs more sleep. In school, Calvin can't keep his eyes open. As Mom takes him upstairs to bed, Calvin yells that he's wide awake. In bed, Calvin says his internal clock is on Tokyo time.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JAN 1995
I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is... You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! When you're great, people often mistake candor fo bragging.
Standing at the bus stop, Calvin tells Susie he's one of the greatest people who ever lived. He goes on to say he's great in so many ways. Susie yells that he's not great. She says he's the most conceited blowhard she's ever met. Calvin says when you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JAN 1995
Here, I'll hang up your coat. Thanks. If you've been looking for Hobbes, he somehow got put in the closet. I just found him way back in there. Waiting for me in the CLOSET, eh? Too bad your little plan was THWARTED!! Why don't you hang up your coat yourself?!
Mom takes Calvin's coat to hang it. She returns and tells him that Hobbes got put in the closet. Mom found him in there. Calvin scolds Hobbes for waiting in the closet for him. He says it's too bad Hobbes' plan was thwarted. Grumpily, Hobbes tells Calvin he should hang is coat up himself.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JAN 1995
Oh yeah? Define, "well-adjusted".
A big snow chicken has an axe it has stuck into a stump. Next to the stump, a snowman lies with its head on the ground to one side. Mom is standing next to Calvin. Calvin asks Mom to define "well-adjusted".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JAN 1995
Why does man create? Is it man's purpose on Earth to express himself, to bring form to thought, and to discover meaning in experience? Or is it just something to do when he's bored?
Standing next to a snowman, Calvin asks why man creates. He asks if it's to express himself, to bring form to thought and discover meaning in experience. He ponders. Then Calvin asks if it's just something to do when he's bored.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JAN 1995
It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Calvin is bored making a snowman. Hobbes says they've only been outside a few minutes. Calvin says it's taking too long. Hobbes says they have all day. Calvin says the sun's too bright and his gloves are getting wet. He says making a snowman is hard work. He asks Hobbes what happens if the snowman isn't very good. They'd be failures. He says even if it's good, it will melt in a few weeks. Instead of wasting his time, he's going inside to watch TV. He'll be in complete physical comfort while experiencing the activity of actors pretending to do things. Hobbes asks if it's too much trouble to turn on the TV. Calvin replies that's why they have a remote control. Hobbes says virtual reality is already here. Calvin can't believe the only way to get inside is to walk.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JAN 1995
1. Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words. Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
Calvin looks at his test asking him to explain Newton's First Law of Motion in his own words. He brightens up and replies with made-up words like "foob", "mog", "zink", and "spuzz". He sits back saying he loves loopholes.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JAN 1995
I'm ready for anything! Are you ready for unconditional surrender? That above all else.
In his snow fort, Calvin says he's ready for anything. A barrage of snowballs blasts him. Hobbes asks if he's ready for unconditional surrender. Lying under a pile of snowballs, Calvin replies "that above all else".
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JAN 1995
BRBBBBRBBBB. Their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.
Calvin peeks around a corner. Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin blows on Hobbes' belly, making a loud noise. Hobbes is startled. Calvin, all scratched up, walks away saying their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JAN 1995
... and so, with nothing left to life for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.
Calvin is leaning out the attic window with a little snowman. He is looking at the ground below, where dozens of snowmen stand. Calvin says that with nothing to live for, the snowman obeys the chanted command from the crowd below.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JAN 1995
Next, on Eyewitness action news: blood-spattered sidewalks and shroud-covered bodies! Could the next victim be YOU?? We'll get the story from the sobbing, hysterical relatives and we'll tell you why YOU should be paralyzed with helpless fear! That's Eyewitness action news! It's what YOU need to KNOW!
Dad is watching television. The announcer talks about blood-spattered sidewalks and asks if you could be the next victim. The television announcer continues by saying they'll get the story from sobbing relatives and tell why you should be paralyzed with helpless fear. That's Eyewitness News. It's what you need to know. Dad turns off the television and reads the newspaper instead.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JAN 1995
When I grow up, I'm going to be a scientist. I'll dedicate my career to the proposition that man can reshape the Universe according to his own whims. I'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. You want to play God? Not exactly. God never bothered to patent his stuff.
Sledding down the hill, Calvin tells Hobbes he will grow up to be a scientist. He will dedicate his career to the proposition that man can reshape the universe. He says he'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. As they crash into a tree and fly through the air, Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play God. Calvin replies "not exactly". He says God never bothered to patent his stuff.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JAN 1995
McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
Calvin is freezing in bed. Hobbes tells him he should have a fur coat like his. Calvin puts his feet on Hobbes to warm up. Hobbes jumps. Calvin tells him to quit letting cold air in. Hobbes tells Calvin to keep his cold feet on his side of the bed. Calvin protests that Hobbes' behind was on his side. Hobbes indicates the demilitarized zone between their sides. Calvin claims the whole bed and says animals should sleep on the floor. Hobbes takes the blanket and leaves. The sounds of their fighting is heard by Mom. Calvin is looking for Hobbes when a ghostly apparition rises before him. Calvin yells in terror. Hobbes has the bed to himself. Dad is awakened by icy cold feet. Calvin is in bed with him and Mom. Mom tells Dad that Calvin had a nightmare. Calvin says that if it's too crowded, they are welcome to sleep downstairs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JAN 1995
Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging. Of course, they never let you do that. Is today one of those days? IT SURE IS!!
Waiting for the bus, Calvin tells Hobbes you get up some days and know some things aren't going to go well. Calvin says those are the days you should put your pajamas back on, make hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed until the world looks more encouraging. Grumpily, Calvin says they never let you do that. Hobbes asks if today is one of those days. Calvin yells that it sure is.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JAN 1995
On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Still waiting for the bus, Calvin says on gray days, you should be able to call a judge and take an oath that you'll read a good book, and he'd allow you to stay home. Hobbes asks if he'd only go to school on sunny days. Calvin says on those days, the judge would let you play outside. Hobbes comments that the judge is quite a guy. Calvin says he'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JAN 1995
Pssst! What's 7+6? Three hundred billion gazillion. Oh, thanks for the big help! That's a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Ah! I knew that.
Calvin asks Susie what 7 + 6 is. Susie tells him three hundred billion gazillion. Sarcastically, Calvin thanks her for the big help. Susie tells him that is a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Calvin writes it down, saying he knew that.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JAN 1995
I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog! It would seem you were born for the job. Imagine getting PAID to act like a six-year-old!
Calvin says he's thinking of starting his own talk radio show. He'd spout simplistic opinions for hours, ridicule anyone who disagrees, and foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog. Hobbes says it seems Calvin was born for the job. Calvin asks Hobbes to imagine being paid to act like a six-year-old.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JAN 1995
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy HA HA HA HA HA HA. Obviously I've tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
Calvin makes a snowball and starts chuckling. He continues to laugh as he finishes the snowball. He stops. He looks at the snowball and says that obviously he's tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JAN 1995
Snow sharks? That guy's a goner.
Calvin builds a snowman, looking like he's swimming. Behind the snowman, he builds small curved mounds. Hobbes asks if they're snow sharks. Calvin says the guy is a goner.
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22 JAN 1995
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Calvin, the astronaut, hops out of the space lander. He hops in the lunar rover and drives around the surface of the moon. From space, you can read "Calvin is great" in tire tracks on the surface of the moon. Calvin looks at the moon with binoculars. He tells Dad he wishes he could go to the moon. Dad says he wishes Calvin could, too.
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23 JAN 1995
Look at my new invention, Dad! I unraveled a hanger and poked it out the back of my pants to make a tailhook! Now, with a rope stretched across the doorway, I can blast into a room at top speed, and the hook will grab the rope and stop me before I crash out the window on the opposite wall! Well? Don't just sit there, man! Get out some patent applications! I wonder how many fortunes he's let slip through his fingers.
Calvin shows Dad his new invention, a hanger poked out the back of his pants to make a tailhook. He says with a rope stretched across the doorway, he can blast into a room, and the hook will grab the rope and prevent him from crashing out the window. He tells Dad to get some patent applications. Calvin walks away wondering how many fortunes Dad has let slip through his fingers.
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24 JAN 1995
As an artist, I'll speak to future generations long after I'm gone! Smart thinking. I call this, "Nude descending a staircase."
Calvin tells Hobbes that as an artist, he'll speak to future generations after he's gone. Calvin shows his latest snow sculpture. It's a snowman with a rear end crack at the top of an icy set of stairs. Calvin calls it "nude descending a staircase".
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25 JAN 1995
Everything is so darn hard! I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button to have anything I want. The American dream lives on. Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
Calvin is reading and complains everything is too hard. He wishes he could take a pill to be perfect. He wishes he could push a button to have whatever he wanted. Hobbes says the American dream lives on. Calvin asks why he should have to work for everything. It's like saying he doesn't deserve it.
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26 JAN 1995
Look, it's almost 11 o'clock! Wow, the last two hours really flew by! I hope the teacher didn't say anything important.
At school, Calvin looks at the clock and sees it's almost 11:00. He says the last two hours really flew by. He hopes the teacher didn't say anything important.
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27 JAN 1995
Outta my way, Twinky. ...and suddenly, the Earth opened up! Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled head over heels down the smoking chasm until he splashed into the molten magma at the planet's core, where he slowly melted before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease!
Moe pushes Calvin to the ground. After Moe leaves, Calvin says the earth opened up. Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled down the smoking chasm until splashing into the planet's molten magma core, slowly melting before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off.
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28 JAN 1995
How in the world did you get in to the bathroom and back out so fast?
Calvin, the dog, happily walks along. He comes up behind Dad, who's shoveling the sidewalk. Dad asks how he got in to the bathroom and back out so fast.
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29 JAN 1995
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is making a snow sculpture called "the spirit of compromise". He'll have his snowman shake hands with Hobbes'. Calvin says it will be very inspirational. He says they'll soon be rolling in public commissions. Hobbes tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. The snowman's arm won't reach Hobbes'. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't make his snowman's arm longer. Hobbes says it will make it look like his snowman had to reach farther. They'd be unequal. Calvin tells him to make his snowman closer. Hobbes won't start over and tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. Calvin refuses. Hobbes says his snowman refuses to shake hands with Calvin's. Calvin's won't even talk to Hobbes'. Hobbes thumbs his ears and says his snowman will kick Calvin's snowman in its big white butt. Calvin threatens Hobbes' snowman. They fight. Both snowmen are destroyed. Lying in the snow, Hobbes says he doesn't think the sculpture is very good. Calvin says it's a compromise.
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30 JAN 1995
In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HE'D thought of putting snow in his thermos.
Calvin opens his lunch. He pours out the contents of his Thermos bottle and starts making snowballs. He readies his throw and says in two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish he'd thought of putting snow in his Thermos.
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31 JAN 1995
Ahem. WAA! I HATE, I JUST HATE RETRACTABLE CLAWS!! So are you through reading this?
Calvin is reading a comic book. Hobbes sneaks up behind Calvin and says "ahem". Calvin is startled and jumps up. He says he just hates retractable claws.
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01 FEB 1995
CALVIN!
Calvin looks at a fire hydrant. He starts making a snowman. Mom yells when she sees he made a snow dog with a leg lifted, standing next to the fire hydrant.
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02 FEB 1995
If a groundhog sees his shadow today, we'll have six more weeks of winter. So yell if you see one.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if a groundhog sees his shadow today, they'll have six more weeks of winter. He tells Hobbes to yell if he sees one. Calvin is armed with a lamp, connected to several extension cords.
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03 FEB 1995
Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked!
Hobbes is lying on the ground. Calvin says a poem about a tiger sprawling in the sun, his day done. It was warmth he sought, the sun making his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked, his brain is now completely cooked. Calvin laughs and walks off. Hobbes crouches, ready to pounce.
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04 FEB 1995
Dad says there's nothing cozier than a fire, but I dunno...
Dad is trying to light the fireplace. He gets angrier as he puts paper to help start the fire. Suddenly, there is a cloud around Dad, who is furious. Calvin runs off carrying a fire extinguisher. He indicates Dad says there is nothing cozier than a fire, but he doesn't know.
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05 FEB 1995
Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Calvin sees a door he doesn't remember. Something looking like Mom opens the door and gives Calvin some breakfast. He retreats, saying it's not his Mom. It says it is and says to eat his oatmeal. Calvin says this isn't his house, and she's not his Mom. He looks out the window to see a cage. He's in a lab, with giant aliens. One has a puppet of Mom on his hand. Calvin says they're trying to get him to imprint on his own species before they return him to the wild. The aliens complain about a loss of their funding since Calvin is on to them. Calvin wakes up. At breakfast, Mom gives him some oatmeal. He demands she prove she's his Mom.
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06 FEB 1995
One of my baby teeth came out. I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
One of Calvin's baby teeth comes out. He looks at it and says he's not entirely comfortable holding a piece of his own head.
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07 FEB 1995
Mom says the tooth fairy might give me 50 cents for this tooth. Wow! So I got an idea. poured plaster over this tooth to make a mold, and now I'm casting duplicate teeth. I'll put one under the pillow every night, and by the end of the year, I'll have over 150 dollars! Do you think the tooth fairy will believe your mouth had 300 teeth in it? If she'd rather have an old tooth than 50 cents, how bright can she be?
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him the tooth fairy might give him fifty cents for his baby tooth. Calvin got an idea to pour plaster over the tooth to make a mold. Now he's casting duplicate teeth. He'll put one under the pillow every night. By the end of the year, he'll have over $150. Hobbes asks if he thinks the tooth fairy will think he had 300 teeth in his mouth. Calvin asks how bright she can be if she'd rather have an old tooth than fifty cents.
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08 FEB 1995
Look at this hilarious cartoon I drew! See, this snowman is in a snow car and he says, "Darn it, the engine froze up!" Ha ha ha ha! Get it?? But if the car is made of snow, the engine would MELT if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run.
Calvin shows Hobbes a cartoon he drew. Calvin explains that it shows a snowman in a car saying "Darn it, the engine froze up". Calvin laughs. Hobbes says if the car is made of snow, the engine would melt if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run. Calvin crumples up the paper and frowns.
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09 FEB 1995
As I have created you, so I can destroy you! Therefore, in recognition of my supreme power, you must worship me! Yes, bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble, for I am the eternal, all knowing... PAFF
Calvin makes a snowman bowing down to him. Calvin tells him that as he created the snowman, he can destroy it. He says in recognition of his power, the snowman must worship him. He tells the snowman to bow before mighty Calvin. He is the eternal, all knowing.... Susie smacks him from behind with a snowball.
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10 FEB 1995
PIFF. I didn't do it! I never threw that! You can't prove I threw it! Besides, I MISSED, didn't I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent.
Susie is just missed by a snowball. Calvin says he didn't do it. She can't prove he did it. Then he says that besides, he missed. Lying in the snow, Calvin says the defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds his lawyer is incompetent.
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11 FEB 1995
Hello? Is your mother there? Who's calling?? Is this about ME?! 'cause if it is, I didn't DO it! You got NOTHING on me, understand?! You can't prove ANYthing! I tell you I'm innocent! Just give up! You'll never get me! Oh, here Mom, it's for you. Hi, can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. It's cool.
Calvin answers the phone. Someone asks if his Mom is home. Calvin asks who's calling. He says if this call is about him, he didn't do it. They have nothing on him. They can't prove anything. He says they'll never get him. He hands the phone to Mom. She asks if she can call the person back. Calvin is standing near her saying it's okay to talk. He cleared it. It's cool.
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12 FEB 1995
Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Calvin makes a snowball and runs off. He hides behind a tree, waiting. He keeps waiting, and waiting. Finally, he throws the snowball at the tree and walks off. SMACK! Susie hits him with a snowball and laughs at him. Calvin angrily shakes his fist to the sky.
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13 FEB 1995
Mmm... somebody's having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isn't it strange how smells are so evocative, but we can't describe them. Oh, I dunno. That fire has a snorky, brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. It's a little brunky, but low humidity affects that.
Standing outside with Hobbes, Calvin detects the aroma of someone having a fire. He loves the smell of a fire on a winter day. He says it's strange how smells are so evocative, but they can't describe them. Hobbes says the fire has a snorky, brambish smell. Calvin should have known animals would have words for smells. Hobbes says it's a little brunky, but the low humidity affects that.
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14 FEB 1995
You're telling me that animals have their own words for specific smells? Well sure. OK, what's the word for how wet leaves smell? "Snippid." What's the word for how I smell? "Terrible." Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Calvin asks Hobbes if animals have their own words for specific smells. Hobbes says sure. Calvin asks what the word is for how wet leaves smell. Hobbes replies "snippid". Calvin asks what the word is for how he smells. Hobbes says "terrible". Hobbes laughs and runs off.
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15 FEB 1995
Graphic violence in the media. Does it glamorize violence? Sure. Does it desensitize us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow beings? Heck yes. Does it CAUSE violence? ... well that's hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question.
Calvin watches television and talks about the graphic violence in the media. He asks if it desensitizes them to violence, help them tolerate violence, glamorize violence, and stunt their empathy for fellow beings. He thinks they're all true. But he says it's hard to prove it causes violence. He continues to happily watch television, saying the trick is to ask the right question.
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16 FEB 1995
Most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, so that's why I'm writing my autobiography. Does your magnanimity know no bounds? Genius has its obligations. Hey, how do you spell "boogers"?
Calvin tells Hobbes that since most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, he is going to write his autobiography. He says genius has its obligations. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin asks him how to spell "boogers".
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17 FEB 1995
I no longer wish to be called a "boy". Isn't that what you are? Yes. But I find that term demeaning and sexist. What do you want to be called then? A "chromosomally advantaged youth". That may not catch on.
Calvin says he no longer wants to be called a "boy". Hobbes asks if that isn't what he is. Calvin says he finds that term demeaning and sexist. Hobbes asks what he wants to be called. Calvin replies "a chromosomally advantaged youth". Hobbes isn't sure that will catch on.
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18 FEB 1995
Ahh, what could be better than a Saturday 6-mile run at dawn in 20-degree weather... ...followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and some dry toast! How about some dried-up prunes and a root canal? Dried prunes! Do we hasve some??
Dad puts on a sweater and asks what could be better than a Saturday six mile run at dawn in twenty degree weather. He goes into the kitchen and says the run would be followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and dry toast. With eyes squinted from sleep, Calvin walks by and says what about dried-up prunes and a root canal. Happily, Dad asks if they have some dried prunes.
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19 FEB 1995
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Calvin looks back and off they go, down the hill on the toboggan. Through the trees, snow flying around, just missing a tree. Blackness, with pained sounds follows. Upside down in the air, followed by blackness and more sounds of pain. In the tree branches, followed by sounds of pain and blackness. Calvin is upside down in the snow. He says that was the best ride ever. Hobbes, also in the snow, says he kept closing his eyes. He suggests they do it again.
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20 FEB 1995
With sheer brain power, I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that, I'll walk!
Calvin sits on his sled. He says with sheer brain power, he will force the sled to carry him up the hill. He sits there, arms crossed. He continues to sit. Finally, he pulls the sled up the hill, saying that until he decides to do that, he'll walk.
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21 FEB 1995
I wonder why people are never content with what they have. Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content! Forget I ever said anything. Now if TIGERS weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
Calvin asks Hobbes why people aren't content with what they have. Hobbes says people's fingernails are a joke, they have no fangs, they can't see at night, their pink hides are ridiculous, and they don't have tails. That's why people aren't content. Calvin says to forget he said anything. Hobbes says if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
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22 FEB 1995
I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Smiling, Calvin says he likes homework. As he starts to do it, he says he doesn't want to go outside. He wants to do math problems. BLEHHH! Calvin hangs his tongue out. He says his brain always rejects attitude transplants.
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23 FEB 1995
Look at how people are portrayed in comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews and bimbos. And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insiduous social programming IS this?! No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting models in the funnies! Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats!
Calvin shows Dad how people are portrayed in comic strips. He says women are whiners, shrews, and bimbos. Men are morons, drinkers, and goof-offs. Everyone is incompetent. Calvin wants to know what kind of social programming this is. He demands politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies. Dad says we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin says look, all the kids are obnoxious brats.
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24 FEB 1995
Wouldn't it be cool if you sneezed and the spray from your nose instantly froze? You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze! ... Well, I think it would be cool. People wonder why cats are solitary.
Calvin asks if it wouldn't be cool if you sneezed and spray from your nose instantly froze. You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze. Calvin walks after Hobbes, saying he thinks it would be cool. Hobbes says people wonder why cats are solitary.
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25 FEB 1995
CALVIN, STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE! The law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. CALVIN!
As Calvin runs, he hears someone yell to stop running through the house. Calvin stops. He says the law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. He starts running again.
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26 FEB 1995
How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
A man gets up from his desk. He goes off to get some coffee. BLAM! The man is shot. Four deer, armed with rifles, gather around the body. They praise Bambi's nice shot. He asks for somebody to get the camera. Calvin tells the class that the man's family was upset when he didn't come home that night. Everyone understood the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion. Some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Mom looks at a note from the teacher calling for a parent-teacher conference. Dad tells her it's her turn.
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27 FEB 1995
VROOOOMM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SPLUTCHH. Ack! Not so much! Not so much! I hate this stuff! Pipe down and eat.
Mom backs a front-loading tractor. It dumps a load down. She puts food on Calvin's plate. He tells her he hates that stuff and not to put so much on.
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28 FEB 1995
What happened in Concord in 1775? Le'ts be honest. You're asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? I'm a kid. I don't know what's going on NOW. I don't have a shred of context for any of this. It's hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other.
Calvin looks at a test question about what happened in Concord in 1775. Calvin writes that he relies on the bus driver to find his own house from school. Concord could be on Neptune for all he knows. He says he's a kid. How should he know what happened 220 years ago? He doesn't have context for the question. He writes to Miss Wormwood that it's hopeless. He says they both try to demoralize each other.
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01 MAR 1995
Look Hobbes, this is my retirement fund. A comic book? This is the issue where they introduce the arch-villain "Deathmeister"! In a few years, a rare mint copy of this will be worth millions of dollars! Needless to say, I bought five copies, sealed them in airtight plastic bags, and put them in a box in the closet, where the light and humidity won't affect their precious pages! How will these be rare and valuable if every kid in America has five copies? We're all counting on the other guy's Mom to throw them away.
Calvin shows Hobbes his retirement fund. It's a comic book where they introduce the archvillain "Deathmeister". Calvin says a mint copy of this will be worth millions. Calvin bought five copies, sealed them in airtight bags, and put them in the closet so light and humidity won't affect the pages. Hobbes asks how rare they will be if every kid in America has five copies. Calvin replies they're all counting on the other guys' mom to throw them away.
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02 MAR 1995
If I had a computer, I'm sure I'd get better grades on my book reports. You'd still have to read the book and tell the computer what you want to say, you know. Man, what's all the fuss about computers?!
Calvin tells Dad that if he had a computer, he'd get better grades on book reports. Dad says he'd still have to read the books and tell the computer what you want to say. Dejectedly, Calvin wonders what all the fuss is about computers.
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03 MAR 1995
Want to buy my latest invention? What is it? It's a writer's block! You put it on your desk and you can't write there any more! I must be years ahead of my time.
Calvin pushes a box and asks Hobbes if he'd like to buy Calvin's latest invention. Calvin says it's a writer's block. You put in on top of the desk, then you can't write there anymore. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he must be years ahead of his time.
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04 MAR 1995
What's the matter, honey? You look down in the dumps. I don't have a hairy chest. Mom says some babes don't care. Thptpbt! Right.
Mom asks Calvin why he looks down in the dumps. Calvin says he doesn't have a hairy chest. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom says some babes don't care. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and says "right".
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05 MAR 1995
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Spaceman Spiff lands on a bizarre planet. A mysterious mist arises out of nowhere. Spiff can't see a thing. At school, Calvin is at his desk. Miss Wormwood is explaining a math problem. Calvin says our hero's in a total fog. He says the atmosphere is a powerful sedative. Spiff can't keep his eyes open. Miss Wormwood stands by his desk as his head drops on the desk. Spiff is hanging upside down from ankle locks in a dungeon. He says our hero suddenly comes to.
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06 MAR 1995
Sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. He gets up suddenly, runs off, his tail fluffed out. Calvin watches him and comments that sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.
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07 MAR 1995
Today for "Show and Tell", I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! It's a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You'll never, EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I'll never end your torment! I'll carry my secret to the grave! It's the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing.
Calvin tells the class he refuses to show what he brought for "show and tell". He says it's a mystery that will haunt them all their miserable lives. They can beg, but he won't end their torment. He says he'll take his secret to the grave. It's the show and tell that was never shown or told. He laughs. Marching to the principal's office, Calvin says everybody wants the same old thing.
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08 MAR 1995
Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars! Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting. I see. Nicely put, dear.
Calvin tells Dad he should smoke cigars. They're all the rage. Mom walks by and says flatulence could be all the rage, but it still would be disgusting. Calvin understands. Dad tells Mom that was nicely put.
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09 MAR 1995
A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect! Soon they'll be a bunch of ground-down, rounded, indistinguishable stumps, missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
Calvin has a box of new crayons. They're all pointy, bright, and perfect. He says soon they'll be ground down, rounded stumps. They'll be missing their wrappers. He looks at the crayons and says sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
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10 MAR 1995
OK, that's plenty of television. Turn it off. I'll mope and whine and argue! I'll get in the way! I'll get in trouble! I'll tear around! You won't have a moments peace if you make me turn off the TV! I noticed she had to think about it.
Mom tells Calvin to turn the television off. Calvin says he'll mope and whine. He'll tear around and get in trouble. He says she won't have a moment's peace if she makes him turn off the TV. Mom kicks Calvin out the door. He says he noticed she had to think about it.
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11 MAR 1995
Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak with the chief of police. Hello, chief? Is it a LAW that your socks have to match anything else you're wearing? HEY MOM, LISTEN TO THIS!
On the phone, Calvin wants to speak to the chief of police. When the chief comes on, Calvin asks if it's a law your socks have to match anything else you're wearing. Calvin holds the phone away from himself and yells for Mom to come hear this.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAR 1995
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
Calvin is peacefully eating his lunch of a sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Suddenly, Hobbes jumps onto the table. He growls at Calvin. They fight. Finally, Hobbes sits at the table peacefully eating the sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Dirty and scratched from his battle with Hobbes, Calvin tells Mom he's still hungry. Mom says she fixed him a nice lunch. He can wait until dinner.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAR 1995
Watcha doin'? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah, but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs.
Calvin is looking for frogs. He tells Hobbes he must obey the inscrutable exhortations of his soul. Hobbes understands. Calvin says his mandate also includes weird bugs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAR 1995
I am not scared of this ball. AAA! AAA! AA!
Calvin looks at a baseball and says he's not scared. He throws the ball into the air. As it comes down, it shows teeth and chases Calvin away.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAR 1995
You just struck out for the next five innings. But it didn't get me!
Hobbes pitches a ball to Calvin. Calvin sees the ball has teeth, so he swings several times at the ball. Hobbes tells him he just struck out for the next five innings. Exhausted, Calvin says at least the ball didn't get him.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAR 1995
I think angels are everywhere. You do? They're on calendars, books, greeting cards... almost every product imaginable. What a spiritual age we live in.
Calvin thinks angels are everywhere. He tells Hobbes they're on calendars, books, greeting cards. Almost every product imaginable. Hobbes says they live in a spiritual age.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAR 1995
I like to set kites free.
Calvin launches a kite. He looks at it in the sky, then he lets loose of the string. He walks back, saying he likes to set kites free.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAR 1995
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we can speak. Probably so we can think twice.
Calvin tells Hobbes that sometimes when he's talking, his words can't keep up with his thoughts. He wonders why they think faster than they can speak. Hobbes guesses it's probably so they can think twice.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAR 1995
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Calvin finds a remote control gizmo in a drawer. He wonders what it does and clicks it. He drops down a tube to see Mom and Dad in a control room with a spacecraft. Mom and Dad are dressed in superhero costumes. Calvin stands in the living room looking at Mom and Dad. He sighs.
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There\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAR 1995
FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that.
Hopping off the school bus, Calvin says he's free. Susie follows Calvin. He notices her behind him and says this walk goes to his house. Susie replies that she knows. Calvin runs and Susie chases him.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAR 1995
YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously I'm not GOING to my house. It's a lot MORE obvious that you're not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well, it's my Mom's rule that you can sit in our yard, but you can't come in the house. Your Mom didn't say that!
Calvin tells Susie her house is the other way. She isn't going to her house. Calvin tells her she can't come to his house. Susie says she has to stay with him until her mom gets home. She says their moms agreed to it. Susie isn't happy about it any more than Calvin is. Calvin informs Susie that she can sit in the yard, but she can't come into the house. Susie contends Calvin's mom didn't say that.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAR 1995
Let me in! Your Mom said I could stay here! No! Go away! You can wait in a tree! I'm telling! HELLO? HELLO? CALVIN WON'T LET ME IN! AAUGH! shh! shhh! OK, OK! In fact, heh heh heh, why don't you go in ahead of me? I just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for you! Don't be scared! Yeah, I'm trembling. I'll just step way, way back here!
Calvin and Susie are fighting about her waiting in Calvin's house. Susie yells that Calvin won't let him in. Suddenly, Calvin pushes her next to the door. He just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for her. Susie starts to open the door. Calvin runs back away from her.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAR 1995
Is this your "big orange surprise"? Doggone it, Hobbes! Didn't you pounce?! Here's your tiger. He was by the door. WHAT'S WITH THE TIE?! Hello, Susie. Come on in. My Mom didn't call and say I could go home yet, did she? YOU DRESSED UP FOR A GIRL??!
Susie asks if this is his big orange surprise. Calvin asks if Hobbes didn't pounce on her. Susie hands Hobbes to Calvin, saying he was by the door. Hobbes is wearing a tie. Mom tells Susie to come in. Susie asks if her mom called to say she could come home already. Calvin chastises Hobbes for dressing up for a girl.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAR 1995
Would you care for a snack, Susie? Um, OK. Thank you. Well? What have you got to say for yourself? When one entertains female friends, one should try not to look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Who's entertaining?! Who's a female friend? Who looks seedy?! A spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes! Tigers have a natual flair for causal chic! I can't believe this. Why didn't you kill her when she came in the door?! By the way, if you had made proper introductions, we might have smooched her hand. Here, let me adjust the narrow end of your tie about eight inches.
Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAR 1995
What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasn't sure I understood this chapter, so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now I'm rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well, now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart.
Calvin walks past Susie all scratched. Susie asks what happened. Calvin says he and Hobbes had a frank exchange of ideas. Calvin asks what she's doing. Susie tells him she wasn't sure she understood a chapter of her school work, so she reviewed her notes from the last chapter and is rereading the book. Calvin asks if she does all that work. Calvin walks away saying he used to think she was smart.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAR 1995
What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of "cat nap".
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAR 1995
Where's Susie? She's in the living room doing her homework. NOW? She's not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow, it's like science fiction or something. "The Gender from Outer Space"!
Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is doing her homework. Hobbes wonders why she doesn't put it off until bedtime. Calvin informs him that she says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she gets home. Hobbes thinks this is like science fiction. Calvin calls it "The Gender From Outer Space".
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAR 1995
This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As we're all aware, the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies, we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes, could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure!
Calvin calls an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. under a box in his bedroom. Calvin says they've been infiltrated by the enemy who is spreading disinformation that homework ought to be done right after school. Calvin says though Mom has covert girl sympathies, they must eradicate the hostile forces. He asks if there are questions. Hobbes asks if they can put some air holes in the box. Calvin says the box of secrecy must remain secure.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAR 1995
OK, we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesn't need a secret code. Ahem. "Section IV, Article 12: Every secret plan needs a secret code. A. The more complicated the better. B. Everybody already knows pig latin. C. Phrases like 'code blue' are cool." Our club charter never lies. That's why this is such a great club.
Calvin asks if Hobbes understands the secret plan. He does, but he asks about the secret code. Calvin says the secret plan doesn't need one. Hobbes shows their club charter, which indicates every secret plan needs a secret code. Calvin says the club charter never lies. Hobbes says that's why this is such a great club.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAR 1995
Hey! I can't get out! I'm stuck! Help! Calvin? Susie, I'm trapped in the hall closet! Open the door! let me out! Help! Help! Hurry! Quick! I'm in the closet! Open the door and get me out of... SLAM HEY! YES!
Susie hears Calvin's voice in the closet saying he can't get out. She opens the door and goes in, only to find a tape recorder playing Calvin's message. Calvin and Hobbes slam the closet door shut.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAR 1995
Calvin, are you slamming doors?! It wasn't me, Mom! I didn't hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE, CALVIN, YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our club's finest hour! Where's Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. I'M IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why, Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet, of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin...
Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 APR 1995
Susie, your Mom just called and she's walking over to pick you up. Finally! I'll talk you YOU in a few minutes upstairs. Bye Susie! Don't lock yourself in any more closets! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day of grossness! This goes in the log book! I'd say some promotions, awards, medals, and advanced degrees are in order! Should we get them before we get in trouble, or after?
Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 APR 1995
Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
Dad puts his bicycle together. Calvin laughs at Dad in his riding gear. Dad rides along with cars yelling at him. He falls down a hill. Bandaged and bruised, Dad returns home carrying the bicycle. Calvin laughs at him again. In the tub, Dad says the secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 APR 1995
Any monsters under my bed tonight? Maybe, maybe not. You mean, "definitely yes"? We didn't say that. "WE"? I mean, "I". ..uh.. that is, if there were any of me. Shut up, Winslow. Luckily for me, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A voice comes out from below the bed, saying maybe, maybe not. Calvin asks if they mean "definitely yes". The voice says they didn't say that. Calvin asks if he just heard "we". The voice clarifies "I". It goes on to say "if there were any of me". Another voice says "shut up, Winslow". Calvin says luckily for him, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 APR 1995
We don't value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING!
Calvin decries they don't value craftsmanship anymore. He says ruthless efficiency denies their own humanity. He says there's no pleasure in creating things, if there is no appreciation for grace and beauty. He asks how a person can take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he had two days to write that paper. He claims that's nothing.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 APR 1995
It's hard to know what's important in life. We don't notice the small stuff and we're never prepared for the big stuff. What about the stuf in between? That stuff's boring. Let's hope bumbling along without a clue is important. According to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.
Calvin says it's hard to know what's important in life. They don't notice the small print, and they're never prepared for the big stuff. Hobbes asks what about the stuff in between. Calvin says that's boring. Hobbes says they should hope bumbling along without a clue is important. Calvin says that according to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 APR 1995
Can I get a drink of water? All right, but hurry up. What are YOU doing home?! I prefer OUR water.
Calvin asks his teacher if he can get a drink of water. She says it's alright, but he should hurry. Calvin runs down the hallway. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin why he's home. Calvin tells her he prefers their water.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 APR 1995
This bad grade is lowering my self-esteem! Then you should work harder so you don't get bad grades. Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem!
Calvin says the bad grade he got is lowering his self-esteem. Miss Wormwood says he should work harder so he doesn't get bad grades. Calvin claims her denial of his victimhood is lowering his self-esteem.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 APR 1995
I'm the decisive, take-charge type! I'm a natural leader! See, we'll go THIS way! Have fun. The problem is that nobody wants to go where I want to lead them.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's a decisive, take-charge type. He says they'll go the way he is pointing. Hobbes goes the other way and tells him to have fun. Crawling through brush and mud, Calvin says the problem is that nobody wants to go where he wants to lead them.
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There\It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 APR 1995
Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 APR 1995
What was the significance of the Erie Canal? In the cosmic sense, probably nil. We "big picture" people rarely become historians.
Calvin looks at a test question asking the significance of the Erie Canal. Calvin replies that "In the cosmic sense, probably nil". He says "big picture" people like him rarely become historians.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 APR 1995
Remember when I was first born? I couldn't even turn myself over! My eyes wouldn't focus! I couldn't do anything! Think of all the work it took to develop the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon, top place the tip of it on a page, and to move it in predetermined, coordinated motions! This picture is the result of six years' unrelenting toil! A lifetime of effort went into this! I'm still not paying you $500 for it. It will appreciate! It's an investment!
Calvin asks Dad to remember when he was first born. He couldn't turn himself over. He asks Dad to think of all the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon and move it in predetermined, coordinated motions. He shows a picture of a dinosaur and indicates that is the result of six years' unrelenting effort. Dad says he's not paying $500 for it. Calvin implores that it will appreciate. It's an investment.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 APR 1995
Calvin? Calvin! CALVIN! AAUGH! Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver.
Calvin is sitting at his desk with his eyes closed. Miss Wormwood calls on him. She calls again. Still no answer, nor any eyes opened. She puts her hands on his desk and calls his name again, loudly. Calvin is startled awake. He tells Miss Wormwood his eyes were on screen saver.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 APR 1995
Right here! Put it here! AAAA! Let's work on your underhand pitches. If you keep running away like that, you won't catch any fouls.
Calvin has a baseball glove and calls for the ball. A train comes toward Calvin. Lying on his back with the baseball next to him, Calvin tells Hobbes they'll work on his underhand pitches. Hobbes says if Calvin keeps running like that, he won't catch any fouls.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 APR 1995
Calvin, are you chewing gum in class? Yeth. Do you have enough to share with everybody? Probably. But do you really think they'd want it?? It was HER idea...
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin is chewing gum. He mumbles a reply that he is. She asks if he has enough to share with everybody. Calvin takes a giant wad of gum out of his mouth. He says he probably does, but he asks if she really thinks they want it. In the principal's office, Calvin pleads that it was her idea.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 APR 1995
Ahem. Hi. What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
Calvin jauntily walks along. He smiles and poses for Mom. She walks by. Grumpily, Calvin continues walking. He asks the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see them.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 APR 1995
I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
In the bathtub, Calvin is playing with a sailboat. He pretends the man and woman on the boat stop for a swim. Suddenly, the lake is boiling hot. They get out of the water. The couple pulls up anchor, but the boat heads toward.....the waterfall. Calvin turns on the faucet and swamps the boat. The wind picks up, and Calvin gets out of the tub with the sailboat. The wind suddenly stops, and Calvin drops the boat into the toilet. One of the couple says they've somehow landed in another lake. It's a gigantic whirlpool. Calvin flushes the toilet, and down the boat goes. Later, a plumber hands Dad the sailboat. Dad gets charged $150. While he writes the check, Dad angrily says somebody else is going to pay for this, too.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 APR 1995
I think I should stay home from school. I've got a sore throat, an ear ache, a stomach ache, I'm seeing spots, and I'm dizzy. I'll call the doctor. Hold on, I think it's all clearing up! Yes. I think I'm better now. It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms.
In bed, Calvin tells Mom he has a sore throat, ear ache, is seeing spots, and is dizzy. Mom offers to call the doctor. Calvin gets out of bed, saying it's all clearing up. While he gets dressed, he says it's hard to hit the magic number of vague, mildly serious, but not worrisome symptoms.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 APR 1995
What a pretty sky today! It's too blue. It needs some red. Red? Just a little right over there. Hang on. That's better. Well I'll be!
Looking at the sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too blue. It needs some red. He points up to show Hobbes where it should have some red. He runs off. Later, Calvin is flying a kite. He says that's better, and Hobbes agrees.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 APR 1995
Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself! What did you write? "Dear Calvin, Hi! I'm writing this on Monday. What day is it now? How are things going? Your pal, Calvin." My past self is corresponding with my future self. Too bad you can't write back.
Out of the mailbox, Calvin gets a letter he wrote to himself. He reads it to Hobbes. It asks what day it is, since he's writing it on Monday. Calvin says his past self is corresponding with his future self. Hobbes says it's too bad he can't write back.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 APR 1995
I got another letter from my past self. What's it say? "Dear future Calvin, I wrote this several days before you will receive it. You've done things I haven't done. You've seen things I haven't seen. You know things I don't know. You lucky dog! Your pal, Calvin." Sniff. I feel so sorry for myself two days ago. Poor him. He wasn't you.
Calvin got another letter from his past self. The note reads that the future Calvin has done things the past Calvin hadn't yet done. He calls the future Calvin a lucky dog. Calvin feels sorry for himself two days ago.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 APR 1995
Let's draw the line at the umbrella.
Calvin is taking a bath. He has a pail, ball, duck, sailboat, swim mask, and an umbrella. The shower is running. Mom looks in and says they should draw the line at the umbrella.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 APR 1995
I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What a lousy weather! What an awful day! Well if you can't change it, what's the point of griping about it? I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
Calvin is complaining about the wind to Hobbes. Hobbes asks what the point is in griping about it if you can't change it. Calvin replies he isn't going to let a little wind be more annoying than him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 APR 1995
Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Calvin and Hobbes look at the sky at night. Calvin says to look at the stars. The universe goes on forever and ever. Hobbes says it makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big deal. Calvin thinks about it. They go inside to watch television. Calvin says that's why they stay inside with their appliances.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 APR 1995
This new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a mandibular fitness regime! Basically, they recommend interval training: chewing one piece of gum with lots of reps, followed by chewing five pieces of gum at once, so you can really work the masseter and buccinator muscles. It's a gruelling workout, but you build strength AND endurance, so you can come through in a clincher. I'm sure the glory makes it all worthwhile. Plus, you develop that "chewer's jaw" that drives the girls wild.
Calvin's new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a fitness regime. Calvin says they recommend interval training. He tells Hobbes it's a grueling workout, but you build strength and endurance. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says all the glory makes it all worthwhile. Calvin says you also develop "chewer's jaw", which drives the girls wild.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 APR 1995
What's with the face? I'm doing stretches. Chewing magazine says you should always warm up before you chew gum. Did you know that neglecting to stretch the temporalis muscles is the leading cause of gum chewing injuries? What about falling down while chewing and walking? With a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.
Calvin's mouth is hanging open. He tells Hobbes he's doing stretches. As he pulls his cheeks and jaws, he says you should warm up before chewing gum. Neglecting to stretch is a leading cause of chewing gum injuries. Hobbes asks about falling down while chewing and walking. Calvin puts on a helmet saying that with a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 APR 1995
In this issue, Chewing reviews the new gum chewing apparel. This jersey is makde with Swet-Tek (R) fibers that wick away perspiration! The mesh collar keeps your sternomastoids ventilated and the zippered pockets hold spare gum and wrappers! Why is it covered with brand logos? That gives you the psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. How can you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself? I'D sure like to be a walking endorsement.
Calvin's new Chewing magazine reviews gum chewing apparel. There is a jersey that wicks away perspiration. There is a mesh collar for ventilation and zippered pockets to hold spare gum. Hobbes asks why it's covered with logos. Calvin says that gives a psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. Hobbes wonders how you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 APR 1995
I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure I'm chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that I'm chewing more gum faster, harder, and longer! What's the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun. Sciece to the spirit's rescue once again.
Calvin says he needs a heart rate monitor to make sure he's chewing at his aerobic threshold. He wants to see he's chewing more gum, faster, harder, and longer. Hobbes asks the point of attaching a number to everything you do. Calvin says if your numbers go up, you're having more fun. Hobbes calls it science to the spirit's rescue once again.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 APR 1995
WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I'VE GOT!! AAAAAAA. Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
Calvin is sitting at his desk. Suddenly, he asks what he's doing in there on a beautiful day. He says this is the only life he has. He runs off. Miss Wormwood returns him to his desk, saying to try a drink of water and a few deep breaths next time.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 APR 1995
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Calvin shows Hobbes a trickle of water running through some dirt. He says their afternoon just got booked solid.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 APR 1995
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Someone is flying a spacecraft , cruising between large mesas, heading toward the horizon. A monster appears ahead of the spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing in front of Calvin's desk. He's startled awake. He looks at his school book. He sees a herd of dinosaurs as he come out of the bushes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 MAY 1995
I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments.
Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 MAY 1995
Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers? It's bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!!
Calvin asks Dad why they aren't hooked up to an online service so they can connect to other computers. Dad says it's bad enough they have a telephone. Calvin goes outside and yells "HELLLPPP!!!"
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 MAY 1995
I hate when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top and then the ride is over so fast. And if you sit for a moment to enjoy the height, everybody yells at you to get going. And sometimes the idiot behind you starts down too soon and he smacks into you at the bottom before you can get away. Yep, the playground is a LOT more fun after the class starts. CALVIN!
Calvin climbs the slide ladder, saying he hates when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top, then the ride is over so fast. If you sit at the top to enjoy the height, everybody yells for you to get going. As he slides down, he says sometimes the idiot behind you starts too soon and smacks into you before you can get away. He runs off, saying the playground is a lot more fun after class starts. A voice calls for Calvin.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 MAY 1995
PHOOMPP. Why are you crying? I'm cutting up an onion. It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
Calvin asks why Mom is crying. She's cutting up an onion. He walks away saying it must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 MAY 1995
Calvin, would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be hap-py to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?!
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem at the board. Calvin walks forward like a robot. He mechanically says he would be happy to do it. He says he has been programmed to obey all directives. He has no free will. As Calvin walks to the principal's office, he asks if anyone appreciates theater.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 MAY 1995
Can I run the vacuum cleaner? No, not until you're older. I'm old enough! I could do it! Well, maybe just this once, if you do a real good job. That suppressed smile worries me.
Calvin asks Mom if he can run the vacuum cleaner. He says he's old enough and can do it. Mom says maybe this once, if he does a real good job. As he vacuums, Calvin says that suppressed smile worries him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 MAY 1995
We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
Calvin informs Hobbes that they are going to have a baby sitter that night. They wear war helmets and Calvin picks up a toy gun. Mom announces Rosalyn and asks Calvin to be good. Rosalyn introduces herself, but Calvin just Hmphs. He says that she is not his Mom, and he doesn't have to do anything she says, and that he will do as he pleases. Rosalyn asks Calvin to take a look by the telephone. Calvin finds a note from his Mom with emergency numbers. Rosalyn threatens Calvin that they might end up having to call one of those numbers.Calvin announces that it must be 6:30, and that he would turn in. Rosalyn comments that she doesn't put up with much for eight bucks a night.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 MAY 1995
"Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President of the United States. P.S. Really." Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive.
Miss Wormwood reads a note from the President of the United States, indicating Calvin should be excused because his genius is required on a matter of national security. Miss Wormwood looks at Calvin and tells him it was a nice try. Calvin sits down, grumbling that he needs to learn how to write in cursive.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 MAY 1995
How come grown-ups don't go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you don't get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough.
Calvin asks Dad why grownups don't go out to play. Dad says they justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. Calvin says that sounds like a job. Dad says it is, except you don't get paid. Calvin asks if play is worse than work. Dad says being a grownup is tough.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 MAY 1995
A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement. So today, I'm going to have a new kind of cereal. This cereal doesn't have any chocolate frosting. It has fiber and raisins. Of course, a bit part of life is horryifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. We tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.
Calvin tells Hobbes a big part of life is boring routine. He needs excitement. He is going to have a new kind of cereal. Hobbes reads the cereal doesn't have chocolate frosting, but does have fiber and raisins. Calvin goes back to the pantry saying a big part of life is horrifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. He grabs his "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Hobbes says tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 MAY 1995
15 people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait ten minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited TWO minutes. I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the person on the telephone. Have a nice day. Too late.
Mom is shopping. She's angry that the bank teller went on break without a replacement with fifteen people in line. She says after she waited ten minutes, a new line was opened for all the people behind her who waited two minutes. As she tries to buy her groceries, she sees the cashier putting her on hold so that she could talk with someone on the telephone. After she gets her last bag, the cashier tells Mom to have a nice day. Mom replies that it's too late.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 MAY 1995
Have you noticed how nobody dresses up for anything anymore? People look like slobs wherever they go. Everybody's rude, too. People swear all the time, and you can forget about being addressed as "Mr." or "Sir." There's no respect for anyone. How come I gotta change the world?!
At dinner, Mom tells Dad that nobody dresses up for anything anymore. People look like slobs. Dad agrees that people are too rude, and that there's no respect for anyone. Later, Calvin is standing all dressed up, with his hair combed. He complains why he has to change the world.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 MAY 1995
Every Saturday morning is the same. We get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal until we fight, and then Mom throws us out of the house. It never changes. That's what I like about Saturdays too! First one downstairs get to pick the cartoons!
Calvin wakes up and tells Hobbes every Saturday morning is the same. They get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons, eat sugary cereal until they fight, then get thrown out of the house by Mom. As they get out of bed, Hobbes says that's what he likes about Saturdays, too. Calvin calls out that the first one downstairs gets to pick the cartoons.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 MAY 1995
Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 MAY 1995
WHACK. AAA!! What are you scared of? The ball's not going to bit you. How do YOU know?
Calvin tosses a baseball into the air so he can hit it. He swings and hits the ball. It is stuck on his bat, chewing it. Calvin hides up in a tree. Dad asks what he's scared of. The ball isn't going to bite him. Calvin asks how he knows.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 MAY 1995
AA! AA! AA! AA! What do you mean, you want a glove for the other hand too? Which word don't you understand?
Calvin tosses the ball into the air so he can catch it. It comes down and bites his glove. Later, Dad clarifies that Calvin wants a glove for the other hand, also.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 MAY 1995
AAA! CLOMP! How often have I told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard?!
Calvin warily approaches the baseball with a bat. He taps the ball with the bat. The ball bites the end of the bat, and Calvin runs off. Later, Dad sees the ball and bat on the ground. He asks how often he's told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 MAY 1995
Have you been hitting rocks with this bat? No, why? Look at it. It's chewed up. You should take care of your equipment. The ball did this! It's what I've been trying to tell you! These are fang marks! That ball is berserk! It's deranged! It's a menace! Why do I even bother?
Dad asks Calvin if he's been hitting rocks with the bat. Calvin says no. Dad says the bat is all chewed up. Calvin claims the ball did it. He says that's what he's been trying to tell Dad. He says the ball is deranged and a menace. In bed, Calvin asks why he even bothers.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 MAY 1995
PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly, I was hoping for a deafening explosion.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches the large bubble drift along. It pops. Calvin says that secretly he was hoping for a deafening explosion.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 MAY 1995
FFOOOOFF. FFOOOOF. bip.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. It starts to drift off, then stops. It blows back at Calvin. Then, it pops. Calvin isn't sure what just happened.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 MAY 1995
What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Calvin gets out of bed. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin tells the malevolent, murderous moron to leave him alone. Hobbes tosses him into the air and says it's morning. Now they can do stuff again. Hobbes runs off. Calvin chases him saying it's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 MAY 1995
Aackkk. Ch... ch... ch... chocolate ch-chips... no. And get up off the floor. urgle.
Calvin crawls on the floor. He is weak. He reaches forward. Mom is in the kitchen. He weakly calls for chocolate chips. Mom says no and tells Calvin to get up off the floor.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 MAY 1995
I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything NEW is GOOD by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it LOOKS new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different! I see why timeless truth doesn't sell. Give me a good flash in the pan any day.
Calvin is a great believer in the value of novelty. He says anything new is good by definition. He tells Hobbes if you can't give him something new, then repackage the old so it looks new. Novelty is all that matters. He won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different. Hobbes sees why timeless truth doesn't sell. Calvin will take a good flash in the pan any day.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 MAY 1995
YAWWNN. YAWWNN. YYAWNN. YAWWNN. One of us should have left the room.
Hobbes yawns, then Calvin does. They both yawn. They lie down. Calvin says one of them should have left the room.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 MAY 1995
When I was a kid, my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown, and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs, and they used to click, clack, and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart, and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow - just wide enough for one person. Yep, those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
Dad tells Calvin that his mom took them to a department store, and that he loved riding the escalators. Dad explains how they sounded, and that he wondered if ladies got their heels stuck and got pulled under. He says the old escalators had more personality than slick, metal ones. Calvin thinks to himself that he hates to think all his current experiences will become stories with no point one day.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 MAY 1995
Mmf. Rrgg. One! REWARD, PLEASE!
Calvin struggles to do a pushup. He finally completes one. He asks for a reward.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 MAY 1995
Giving is better than having. When you GET something, it's new and exciting, when you HAVE something, you take it for granted and it's boring. But everything you GET turns into something you HAVE. That's why you always need to get new things. I feel like I'm in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want", that's my motto.
Calvin says getting is better than having. He says when you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have it, it's boring. Hobbes says everything you get turns into something you have. Calvin says that's why you always need to get new things. Hobbes feels he's in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want" is Calvin's motto.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 MAY 1995
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
Some movie reels are gathered up in Calvin's unconscious. As they prepare to play the movies, the men hope they're better than last night's. The first one is bad. They replace it with another from a different film. It's a suspense movie. They try the third. It's a monster movie. None of the movies make sense. They are out of order. The lights are coming back on. They go back to their stations. Calvin wakes up. He says he had so many strange dreams and wonders what they mean.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 MAY 1995
I heard that Miss Wormwood isn't here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student?
Susie tells Calvin that Miss Wormwood isn't at school today. Calvin wonders if they can go home. Susie tells him they have a substitute teacher. Calvin asks if he can send a substitute student.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 MAY 1995
Who's our substitute teacher? Do you know? Mr. Kneecapper. Oh NO! Really? I heard he killed a kid last year! What?! Yeah, some kid was talking in class, so Mr. Kneecapper took him out in the hall, and there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon! OHH! Wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.
Calvin asks who their substitute teacher is. When Susie tells him, Calvin says he heard that teacher killed a kid last year. He tells Susie the teacher took a kid out to the hall, then there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says to wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 MAY 1995
Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my leg. 3. Anything that was popular in the '70s. 4. Licorice, yams, or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots. It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
Calvin writes a list of things he'll never like. He mentions drying off with a cold, damp towel. He mentions seaweed wrapping around his leg. He mentions raisins, the screech babies make, and writhing maggots. He tells Hobbes it's comforting to know there are some certainties in life.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JUNE 1995
Life is full of possibilities. For example, right now, instead of waiting for the school bus, I could stick out my thumb, hitch a ride, and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti, migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldn't really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities.
Calvin tells Hobbes life is full of possibilities. Instead of waiting for the school bus, he could thumb a ride and spend the rest of his life in the Serengeti, migrating with wildebeests. Hobbes points out that the Sergengeti is in Africa and that he couldn't really hitch a ride there. Calvin frowns and says life is full of precluded possibilities.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JUNE 1995
Slurrpp. Sluurrp. AACKKPTH URGK BLUB! I'd bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure.
Calvin drinks from a water fountain. It sprays up into his face. As he walks away dripping, he says he bets the principal has a valve in his office that changes water pressure.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JUNE 1995
Why are you digging a hole? I'm looking for buried treasure! What have you found? A few dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. On your first try?? There's treasure everywhere!
Hobbes asks why Calvin is digging a hole. Calvin is looking for buried treasure. Hobbes asks what he's found. Some dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. Hobbes is overjoyed and asks if it was Calvin's first try. Calvin says there's treasure everywhere.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JUNE 1995
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
Spaceman Spiff gazes across the landscape. He wonders what dangers lie ahead. He wonders what bizarre occurrence he will be the first to witness. Spiff keeps looking across the expanse. He throws a few rocks. Spiff sighs. Calvin goes back inside. Hobbes comes with him, saying that if he couldn't find any weirdness, they'll have to make some.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JUNE 1995
Boy, our family would sure be in trouble if YOU were bringing home the bacon! I AM NOT BACON!
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says the family would be in trouble if Hobbes were bringing home the bacon. As he turns around, Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes carries him in his mouth and drops him. Hobbes walks away, and Calvin yells after him that he isn't bacon.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JUNE 1995
Ouchywawa. I've got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky. That's too bad. When your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
Calvin tells Mom that he has a big "owwy boo boo" on his pinky. Mom says that's too bad. Calvin walks away saying that when your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JUNE 1995
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Nobody ever pays me a penny for my thoughts.
Sitting under a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes that when birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Hobbes leaves. Calvin says nobody ever pays a penny for his thoughts.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JUNE 1995
Look at this, Hobbes. I added it up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days - morning, noon, and night - just sitting in the bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that?! How long did it take you to add this all up?
In the bathtub, Calvin says he figures he spends an average of four days a year taking baths. He asks what could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that. Hobbes looks at the paper and asks how long it took Calvin to add all that up.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JUNE 1995
Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time!
Calvin sees a bug walking. He tells the bug to stop deluding himself. Nothing he does is important. He notices what time it is and runs off.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JUNE 1995
I'm a man of few words. Maybe if you read more, you'd have a larger vocabulary.
Calvin says he's a man of few words. Hobbes suggests that if he read more, he'd have a larger vocabulary. Hobbes runs off with Calvin in hot pursuit.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JUNE 1995
Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Calvin is filling up a water balloon. It bursts, soaking Calvin with water. He gets another balloon and vows not to fill that one so full. He has trouble tying off the knot, spilling water all over himself. He starts to fill the balloon again. It slips off and soaks him. Calvin says Hobbes will be there at any second, so he tries to fill the balloon again. Hobbes runs up, and Calvin covers himself. Hobbes notices how soaked Calvin already is. He asks what the point is. Hobbes walks away.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JUNE 1995
It's hot, it's humid, it's buggy, there's no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. But it's SUMMER!
Calvin complains that it's hot, humid, buddy, with no breeze. Then he says "But it's summer". Off he and Hobbes go to play.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JUNE 1995
Hey ant, you're working like a maniac, and what have you got to show for it? What's the colony done for YOU lately? What about YOUR needs? You don't owe anybody anything! Let the others fend for themselves! Move out! Discover yourself! Express your individuality! If they listen, this should solve our ant problem.
Calvin asks an ant why he's working like a maniac. He asks what the colony has done for the ant lately. He says the ant doesn't owe anybody anything. He tells the ant to discover himself and express his individuality. Calvin says if they listen, it should solve their ant problem.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JUNE 1995
Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values, so I harass him with mine.
Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JUNE 1995
Look! I caught a butterfly! If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
Calvin shows Hobbes a butterfly he caught and put in a jar. Hobbes tells him that if people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. Calvin looks at the jar, opens it and lets the butterfly out.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JUNE 1995
AAAAAAA. You're awake? Oh boy! Let's go! N-no c-coffee f-for m-me, th-thanks. Hehh hoo hehh
An eye opens to see Hobbes directly in front. Calvin is startled awake by Hobbes. Hobbes says that since he's awake, they can go play. Still jittery from the experience, Calvin says he doesn't need any coffee.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JUNE 1995
Why does ice float? Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes on top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun. Is that true? Look it up and find out. I should just look stuff up in the first place. You can learn a lot, talking to me.
Calvin asks Dad why ice floats. Dad says ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer the sun. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad tells him to look it up and find out. Calvin unhappily walks away saying he should just look stuff up in the first place. Dad says you can learn a lot talking to him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JUNE 1995
We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
A stick person walks along. He sees something, turns around and runs. A stick animal comes up behind the stick person, jumps up and tackles the stick person. The stick animal eats the head of the stick person and walks away. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes gave him the story idea. He tells Dad to flip the pages again.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JUNE 1995
I cleaned and oiled your bicycle, Calvin. What do you say I take some time and help you learn how to ride it? NOOOOOO!! You're welcome. Mom! Mom! Dad HATES me!
Dad has cleaned and oiled the bicycle. He asks Calvin if he'd like to learn to ride it. Calvin runs away in horror, yelling no. Dad says he's welcome. Calvin tells Mom that Dad hates him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JUNE 1995
I've got the bike, Calvin. It's not going anywhere. I can feel it's going to throw me! Get ready to yank its wheels off! Just relax. I've got you. How can I relax? I'm uninsured and unarmed! I'm as good as head! Push back on the pedals. That's your brake, OK? Yes, well, that was fun! Thanks for the lesson! Get back here. No, really, I think I've got it! You can sell the bike now.
Dad holds the bike with Calvin on it. Calvin says the bike is getting ready to throw him off. Dad tells him to relax. Calvin says he can't relax. He's uninsured and unarmed. Dad tells Calvin how to apply the brakes. Calvin thanks Dad for the lesson and runs off. Dad tells him to come back. Calvin says he has it, and that Dad can sell the bike now.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JUNE 1995
The trick to balancing is to have a little forward momentum. AAA! No momentum! No momentum! Just pedal slowly. I'm holding the bike, so you won't fall. You'll let go and the bike will launch me into the ionosphere! Trust me, OK? TRUST you? I hardly KNOW you! I'm your father!? What, for six years?! When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going along!
Dad tells Calvin the trick to balancing on a bike is to have momentum. Calvin wants no momentum. Dad says with him holding the bike, Calvin can't fall. Calvin says he'll let go, and the bike will launch him into the ionosphere. Dad tells Calvin to trust him. Calvin replies he hardly knows Dad. He's only known Dad for six years. he offers to see how things are going when he's forty.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JUNE 1995
Look, Calvin, you've got to relax a little. Your balance will be better if you're loose. I can't help it! Imminent death makes me tense! I admit it! You need a goal. Concentrate on your goal. My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt! OK, that's not a good goal. WELL I'M NOT CHANGING IT!
Dad tells Calvin to relax in order to improve him balance on the bicycle. Calvin says imminent death makes him tense. Dad tells Calvin to concentrate on a goal. Calvin's goal is to dismantle the bike and mail each piece to a different country so it can't be rebuilt. Dad says that isn't a good goal. Calvin says he isn't changing it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JUNE 1995
Think about the places you can go once you learn how to ride! AAAAA. Think about how impressed your friends will be! Think about how much fun you'll have! AAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAA. Think about inhaling. EEEP ahhh...
Dad tells Calvin to think of the places he can ride when he learns how to ride a bicycle. He tells Calvin to think how his friends will be impressed. All this time, Calvin is yelling with his eyes wide open. Dad tells him to think about inhaling.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JUNE 1995
Ooh, it doesn't look like the bike lesson went so good. It didn't. Dad LIKES riding his bike! He doesn't understand what it's like for me! I HATE flipping over the bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine! Is that what happened? No, I tripped coming up the stairs.
Calvin is all scratched and bruised. Hobbes says it looks like the bike lesson didn't go so well. Calvin complains that Dad like riding his bike, so he doesn't understand what it's like for Calvin. He says he hates flipping over bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine. Hobbes asks if that's what happened. Calvin tells him no. He tripped coming up the stairs.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JUNE 1995
Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JUNE 1995
Darn ol' rain.
Outside, it is raining. Inside, Calvin sits in a chair holding a kite. The kite is being kept aloft by a fan.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JUNE 1995
It's not summer if your tongue isn't purple.
Calvin is eating a sucker. He looks into the mirror. He says it isn't summer if your tongue isn't purple.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JUNE 1995
What does it mean when someone says to "Give it the ol' college try"? It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow. That's not what it means! Where did YOU go to college? Never mind.
Calvin asks Dad what it means when someone says they'll "give it the ol' college try". Dad tells him you join your friends, get cheap beer, eat a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Mom says that isn't what it means. Dad asks where she went to college.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JUNE 1995
CAAAAAAALLLLLLVVINNNNN, THAAAAAT'S EEENOUUGHHH. M-mom s-sure was m-movingg st-strangellly t-toddayy. Maybe she's right about how much sugar you put on that cereal.
Mom is shaking while she tells Calvin that's been enough. Outside, Calvin is shaking. He tells Hobbes that Mom was moving strangely today. Hobbes tells him that she might be right about how much sugar he puts on his cereal.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JUNE 1995
Frank appraisal of your looks 50c. Any business? Not so far. But I'm giving out lots of free samples.
Calvin sits at a box labeled "Frank Appraisal of Your Looks". Hobbes asks if he's had any business. Calvin says no, but that he's giving lots of free samples.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 JULY 1995
What a lovely day for a hike! It's not so bad THIS way! No, we won't carry you. Stop griping. This is so much work!
Mom and Dad are hiking. Calvin bounces along behind them on a chair, saying it's not so bad this way. Dad says they won't carry Calvin. He trudges along, saying this is so much work.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 JULY 1995
Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Stupidopolis is a thriving coastal city built near a fault line. A giant wave crashes into the city. Calvin is laughing on the beach. Dad asks Mom why Calvin builds everything so close to the water. He says it's stupid. Mom says Calvin doesn't seem to mind doing it over and over.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 JULY 1995
Look at this! Mom got me a book from the library. That's nice. NICE?!? It's SUMMER! I only get three short months to goof off! I'm not going to waste these precious days reading BOOKS! Summers are for vegetating! That's why the TV shows are reruns and the movies are sequels! No wonder the flies come out. Heck, everyone KNOWS it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
Mom got Calvin a book from the library. Calvin complains to Hobbes that it's summer. With only three months to goof off, he's not wasting precious days reading books. He says summers are for vegetating. He says everyone knows it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 JULY 1995
Hey, are you reading that book Mom got from the library? Mm-hmm. Is it good? Do you like it? Is it exciting? Are you having fun? Shh. HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE FUN WHEN IT'S SO QUIET?!?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's reading the library book Mom had gotten for Calvin. Hobbes is engrossed in reading it. Calvin asks if it's good, if it's exciting, if he's having fun. Hobbes quietly sits reading. Calvin yells at him asking how it could be fun when it's so quiet.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 JULY 1995
While you're reading that boring book, I'M going to go do something fun. OK. I'll be having the time of my life, while you're sitting here yawning and wishing you were... AIEE! I'll just kind of read over your shoulder, OK? No. Go do something fun.
Calvin says he's going to do something fun while Hobbes reads the library book. Calvin crosses his arms and says he'll be having the time of his life, while Hobbes will wish he was. Suddenly, Hobbes is startled by something in the book. Calvin wants to read over Hobbes' shoulder. Hobbes holds the book closer and tells Calvin to do something fun.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 JULY 1995
I read this library book you got me. What did you think of it? It really made me see things differently. It's given me a lot to think about. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's complicating my life. Don't get me any more.
Calvin hands Mom the library book she had gotten. He says he read it. Mom asks what Calvin thought of it. Calvin tells her it made him see things differently. He has a lot to think about. Mom says she's glad he enjoyed it. Calvin tells her it's complicating his life and not to get him any more.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 JULY 1995
I'm writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they're systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It's a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight! How cynically unconstructive. Enmity sells.
Calvin is writing a fund-raising letter. He tells Hobbes the secret is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. You explain how they're destroying everything you hold dear. It's a war of values. Rational discussion is hopeless. We need your money to keep up the fight. Hobbes says that's cynically unconstructive. Calvin informs him that enmity sells.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 JULY 1995
Happiness 10c. What do you give people for their ten cents? A water balloon in the kisser! You take their money and then soak them with a water balloon?? Right. Whose happiness are we talking about? Who went to all this trouble?!
Calvin sits at a box marked that happiness is for sale for ten cents. Hobbes asks what Calvin gives people for their ten cents. Calvin says he gives a water balloon right in the kisser. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin takes their money, then hits them with a water balloon. He asks whose happiness they're talking about. Calvin asks who went to all the trouble.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 JULY 1995
It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Mom picks up the two tons of tenderloin from the butcher. She stands with a chainsaw in her hand, calling Calvin for lunch. A tyrannosaurus stands behind Mom saying he likes mustard, not mayonnaise. Mom says maybe he should fix his own triceratops sandwich.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 JULY 1995
How tall are you?
Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin ties a water balloon to a string. He drops it so it hangs down. He thinks, then runs inside the house. He asks Dad how tall he is.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 JULY 1995
OK, the map says to turn left at this tree and walk 30 paces. ...29 ...30. What's here? My map shows a big hole. Wouldn't it be faster to make the MAP to conform to the YARD? Are you in some sort of hurry?
Calvin is dressed like an explorer. He tells Hobbes the map says to turn left at the tree and walk thirty paces. They do, and Hobbes asks what's there. Calvin says the map shows a big hole. They start digging, and Hobbes asks if it wouldn't be faster to make the map conform to the yard. Calvin asks if he's in a big hurry.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 JULY 1995
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DARN SMART!
Susie gets her raincoat and hat on. She gets her umbrella, opens it, and walks along. Behind a tree with several water balloons, Calvin yells to Susie. He asks her if she thinks she's so darn smart.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 JULY 1995
Art isn't about ideas. It's about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding your work. You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Right. I'm a suburban post-modernist. Aren't we all. I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me.
Calvin tells Hobbes art isn't about ideas, it's about style. Calvin says the most crucial career decision is to pick a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding the work. Hobbes says Calvin does goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Calvin says he's a suburban post-modernist. He says he was going to be a neo-deconstructivist, but Mom wouldn't let him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 JULY 1995
Times are tough for us suburban post-modernists. How so? Well, people seem to be reluctant to pay for sidewalk drawings that stay where they are and wash away in the rain. And nowadays, nobody wants tax money to support art, and corporates won't underwrite me because I'm not famous enough to advertise their cultural enlightenment. Couldn't you support your art with another job? What, you mean WORK?
Calvin complains that life is tough for suburban post-modernists. People seem reluctant to pay for drawings that wash away in the rain. Nobody wants tax money to support art. Corporations won't underwrite him because he's not famous enough. Hobbes asks if he could support his art with another job. Calvin is indignant that Hobbes would suggest work.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 JULY 1995
People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible, and is therefore full of deep significance. You misspelled "Weltanschauung". A good artist's statement says more than his art ever does.
As Calvin draws on the sidewalk, he tells Hobbes people make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. He says art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. He hands Hobbes an artist's statement. It explains his work is incomprehensible and therefore full of deep significance.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 JULY 1995
Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Calvin and Hobbes see a snake. Hobbes asks if it's poisonous. Calvin wonders how you know. Hobbes suggests that if it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. They watch it move along, wondering how it glides. Calvin sees it flicking its tongue and wonders why they smell with their tongue. Hobbes asks if they have eyelids. Calvin wonders how it swallows something bigger than its own head. Hobbes says that Mom might get them a book so they'd know the answers. As they run to the house, Calvin stops. It's summer, and he's on vacation. He doesn't want to learn anything. Hobbes says if nobody makes him do it, it counts as fun. With that, Calvin and Hobbes get a book and learn about snakes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 JULY 1995
Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's the one thing we know for sure in this world. But I'm still going to gripe about it.
Rolling down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's one thing they know for sure in this world. He continues saying he's still going to gripe about it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 JULY 1995
PLOOSH. How can something seem so plausible at the same time so idiotic in retrospect?
Calvin tosses a water balloon into the air and runs to catch it. PLOOSH! Calvin's covered with water. He walks away asking how something seems so plausible at the time and so idiotic in retrospect.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 JULY 1995
I refuse to take out the garbage! I have the right to do whatever I want all the time! No you don't. I don't? Well it sure OUGHT to be a right.
Calvin refuses to take out the garbage. He says he has the right to do whatever he wants, all the time. Dad says he doesn't. As Calvin drags the garbage bag outside, he says it sure ought to be a right.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 JULY 1995
BU-UURRPPP. THPTHH! PHTBT! THBBPPTT! BU-UURRRPP. What are you doing? I'm hoping there's a mockingbird around.
Calvin belches. He blows on his hands to make a bodily sound. He burps again. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin cheerfully says he's hoping there's a mockingbird around.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 JULY 1995
RRIINGG RRINGG. Hello? No, my Dad's not here right now. Will I take a message? I don't know - what's in it for ME? People always assume you're some kind of altruist.
Calvin answers the phone. He tells the caller that Dad isn't there right now. When asked if he'd take a message, Calvin asks what's in it for him. As he walks off, he says people always assume you're some kind of altruist.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 JULY 1995
Oh, just so you know... I am the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, captain of the high altutude tree branch vista club, second place finisher in the 'round the yard backward dash, premier burper state division, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud ad mayhem society! Busy day? About usual. Want to hear what Hobbes is?
Calvin tells Dad that he's the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, premier burper, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud and mayhem society. Dad asks if it was a busy day. Calvin says it was about usual and asks if Dad wants to know what Hobbes is.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 JULY 1995
Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Calvin slowly walks in the heat. He starts to melt. Finally, he is a puddle of water. The puddle evaporates in the heat. The evaporation creates a cloud that starts raining. Calvin is revitalized and runs off naked. Mom finds his clothes on the sidewalk and says "not again".
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 JULY 1995
People ask why we tolerate a popular culture that celebrates violence and depravity. Because it's entertaining, that's why! If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it! Let the business respond to consumer demand! The customer is always right. Shock and titillate me! I've got money!
As Calvin watches television, he tells Hobbes people ask why they tolerate a culture that celebrates violence. He says it's because it's entertaining. He goes on to say that if warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it. The business should respond to customer demand. Hobbes says that the customer is always right. Calvin calls for them to shock and titillate him, he's got money.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 JULY 1995
Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Why don't they see things of beauty and value? Because boring stuff doesn't sell. Such vision and integrity. There's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
Calvin says popular culture isn't responsible for selling twisted values. He says movies and television reflect the reality of their times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Hobbes asks why they don't see things of beauty and value. Calvin informs him that boring stuff doesn't sell. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that shows such vision and integrity. Calvin says that there's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 JULY 1995
Another thing to remember about popular culture is that today's TV-reared audience is hip and sophisticated. This stuff doesn't affect us. We can separate fact from fiction. We understand satire and irony. We're detached and jaded viewers who aren't influenced by what we watch. I think I hear advertisers laughing. Hold on, I need to inflate my basketball shoes.
Calvin informs Hobbes that since today's audience is so hip and sophisticated, they aren't affected by culture. They can separate fact from fiction. They're detached and jaded viewers not influenced by what they watch. Hobbes holds his ear and says he thinks he hears advertisers laughing. Calvin has to inflate his basketball shoes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 JULY 1995
Onward came the meteors!
Calvin builds a city in the sandbox. He leaves and picks up some large rocks. He stands on the edge of the sandbox, saying the meteors are coming.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 JULY 1995
Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around, the high-pitched noise they make, their pesky size... everything about them is annoying! ... said the hyperactive, whiny, small child.
Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs get on his nerves. He says the way they zip around, their high-pitched noise, their pesky size, everything about them is annoying. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says "said the hyperactive, whiny, small child". Angrily, Calvin chases Hobbes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 JULY 1995
I want you to pick up your room today, OK? Do I get paid? No. If I don't get paid, how do I know it's important?! You can trust a monther on that.
Mom tells Calvin she'd like him to pick up his room. Calvin asks if he'll get paid. Mom says no. Calvin asks how he knows it's important if he doesn't get paid. Mom clarifies that you can trust a mother on that.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 JULY 1995
Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Going down the hill in the sled, Calvin says they all want to live meaningful lives. They look for meaning in everything they do. He asks Hobbes to suppose there is no meaning, that life is fundamentally absurd. He asks Hobbes to suppose there's no reason, truth, or rightness in anything. As they sail off the edge of the hill into the air, he asks Hobbes what if nothing really matters. Hobbes covers his eyes and says there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Tumbling through the air, Calvin ponders whether it would be worse if everything mattered.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 JULY 1995
MY water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking! YOUR water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw the slightest distance! The advantage is clearly mine! Do you surrender?
Calvin shows Hobbes that his water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking. He tells Hobbes that his water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw accurately. He says the advantage is his and asks Hobbes if he surrenders. Hobbes unties the end of his water balloon and shoots the water at Calvin.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 AUG 1995
Hey, there's no butter in the butter dish! My toast will get cold while I get another stick from the fridge! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!? Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.
Spreading butter on his toast, Calvin notices there is no butter on the dish. He says his toast will get cold while he gets another stick from the refrigerator. He complains that he's suffered enough. He asks where it will all end. As he walks by, he sees Mom and Dad looking at him. Calvin calls them Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 AUG 1995
I'm glad you're getting some exercise. Keep that heart rate up. Dad can take the fun out of ANYthing.
Calvin jumps through the sprinkler. Dad tells him that he's glad he's getting some exercise. He tells Calvin to keep his heart rate up. Calvin says Dad can take the fun out of anything.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 AUG 1995
I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
Calvin has a hammer. He can put things together or knock them apart. He can alter his environment at will and make a din all the while. He says it's great to be a male.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 AUG 1995
Vampire bugs! Run for your life! They're called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood, you don't turn into one?
Horrified, Calvin runs by complaining about vampire bugs. Dad says they're called mosquitos. Calvin asks if you don't turn into one if they drink your blood.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 AUG 1995
When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the other guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win! Conversations aren't contests! OK, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when a person pauses in mid-sentence, that's the best time to jump in and change the topic. He says it's like an interception in football. The more sentences you complete, the higher your score. He says the idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own. That's how you win. Hobbes complains that conversations aren't contests. Calvin says that's a point for Hobbes, but he's still ahead.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 AUG 1995
You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
It's bedtime. Calvin pushes a button on the wall. He is sprung to hands that remove his shirt, past another pair of hands that remove his underwear, down a chute that drops him into the bathtub. He gets out and towels himself dry. Down a trap door, where his pajamas are put on. Down into bed he goes. Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin says he hates getting ready for bed.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 AUG 1995
Just once I'd like to see you manage this during the school year. YAAAAAAA.
Mom stands in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand. It's barely sunrise. Calvin has a flag in hand and is running off to play. Mom says just once she'd like to see him manage that during the school year.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 AUG 1995
Almost everywhere you go, you can hear people, radios and all kinds of engines. When you're actually confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Why, you can even hear yourself think. This is making me nervous. Let's go in.
Calvin says that everywhere you go, you hear people, radios, and engines. When you're confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Hobbes says you can even hear yourself think. Calvin says this is making him nervous and wants to go in.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 AUG 1995
We rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. We don't believe in things we can't see. So how do we know that no-see-ums exist? Verification is ruled out by definition! It's an ontological quandary. Hold still a moment. Ooh, I itch! Glad I could help.
Calvin says they rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. They don't believe what they can't see. He asks how they know no-see-ums exist. It's an ontological quandary. Hobbes tells him to hold still a moment. Calvin says he itches. Hobbes says he's glad he could help.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 AUG 1995
Calvin, time to come in! Aww Mom, it's not even dark yet! I didn't say it was. I said it's time to come in. It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out.
Mom yells for Calvin to come in. He complains it's not dark yet. Mom tells him she didn't say it was, but it is time to come in. In the bathtub, Calvin says it's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 AUG 1995
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I wonder which YOU are. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
Calvin tells Hobbes that some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best choices available. Some are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. Others just act on any whim that enters their heads. Hobbes rolls his eyes and wonders which one Calvin is. Calvin says he pragmatically turns his whims into principles.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 AUG 1995
To help Mom prepare better meals, I'm compiling a book of recipes. I notice that all of them involve deep-fat frying. I'm adding a chocolate syrup section now.
Calvin is compiling a book of recipes to help Mom prepare better meals. Hobbes looks at it and notices they all involve deep-fat frying. Calvin says he's adding a chocolate syrup section now.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 AUG 1995
Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
Hobbes is stalking something. Calvin is playing in the yard. Suddenly, he hears a sneeze. Off he runs. Hobbes rises from the tall grass angrily and continues stalking. Peeking out of the house door, Calvin says hayfever season isn't all bad. From the bushes, Calvin hears "you thig id's fuddy, but id's dot". Calvin slams the door closed while Hobbes blows his nose.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 AUG 1995
It's hard to conceal a water balloon.
Susie is walking along. She stops, turns, and runs off. Calvin looks like he has a big belly. He says it's hard to conceal a water balloon.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 AUG 1995
I've got a water balloon hidden under this turban! Pretty ingenious, huh? I'll bet the tower comes in handy. Why?
Calvin is walking with a towel wrapped around his head. He tells Hobbes he has a water balloon hidden under the turban. He asks Hobbes if he thinks that's pretty ingenious. Hobbes says he bets the towel comes in handy. Calvin asks why. Calvin is chasing Hobbes, water soaking him, with his turban pushed down in the middle.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 AUG 1995
Couldn't I be sedated for this?! Oh, don't I wish.
Calvin is in the bathtub, with water all over the floor. The toilet tank lid is askew, clothes lie on the vanity, cabinet doors are open. Calvin angrily asks if he couldn't be sedated for this. Dripping wet, Mom says she wishes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 AUG 1995
It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don't make life easier - they make life more harrassed. Six minutes to microwave this?? Who's got that kind of time?! If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things LESS efficiently.
Dad is working at home saying it used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with faxes, modems, and car phones, everyone wants everything instantly. Improved technology just increases expectations. The machines don't make life easier, they make it more harassed. Calvin looks at a box he's holding and complains it takes six minutes to microwave it. He asks who has that kind of time. Dad says if they wanted more leisure, they'd invent machines that do things less efficiently.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 AUG 1995
Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. It was nice of your parents to let us eat outside.
Sitting on the steps outside, Calvin and Hobbes are eating corn. Calvin says summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. Hobbes says it was nice of Calvin's parents to let them eat outside.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 AUG 1995
...ewww... Ah! Ah! CHOO! This food is allergic to me.
Calvin looks at his food plate. It sneezes and covers Calvin with food. Calvin takes the plate back to Mom and tells her the food is allergic to him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 AUG 1995
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
In poem form, Calvin says Mom and Dad aren't what they seem. They are outer space alien freaks. They landed in spaceships humongous, now they walk among us. He knows the truth, they're here to spoil his youth. Each morning, as the sun rises, they put on their earthling disguises. He knew their masks weren't legit, the faces are lined, they sag and don't fit. They're slaves to routine, they're almost machines. He can't escape their alien gaze, they warp his mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this is a gem. They're raising him up to turn him into them.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 AUG 1995
I'm a firefly. I see the flashlight.
It's dark, then suddenly it's light. In bed, Calvin is smiling while Hobbes is startled awake. It's dark again. It lights again, and Calvin says he's a firefly. Hobbes sees the flashlight.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 AUG 1995
Do we have any string? Sure. What for? A wick. I'm saving all my ear wax to make a candle. Oh Calvin! BLAUGHH! Could I make a set of crayons?
Calvin asks Mom for some string. When she asks why, Calvin tells her it's for a wick. He's saving all his ear wax to make a candle. Mom is grossed out. He asks her if he can make a set of crayons.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 AUG 1995
I'm filling out a reader survey for Chewing magazine. See, they asked how much money I spend on gum each week, so I wrote "$500". For my age, I put "43". And when they asked what my favorite flavor is, I wrote "garlic/curry". This magazine should have some amusing ads soon. I love messing with data.
Calvin is filling out a survey for "Chewing" magazine. He indicates he spends $500 a week on gum, he's 43 years old, with a favorite flavor of "garlic/curry". Hobbes thinks this magazine will have some amusing ads soon. Calvin loves messing with data.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 AUG 1995
Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive, they watch TV while they eat, they listen to music while they work... People never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well. You're breaking my concentration. WE focus on doing nothing at all!
Lying on a tree branch, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed how people try to do two things at once. They talk on the phone while they drive. They watch TV while they eat. They listen to music while they work. People don't focus on one thing to do it well or enjoy it. Hobbes tells him he's breaking his concentration. Calvin says they focus on doing nothing at all.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 AUG 1995
I can't believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom, no more long days outside, no more fun. Well, let's go make the most of the time we have left! Nah, I've reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Calvin can't believe summer is almost over. School will start, no long days outside, no more fun. Hobbes tells him they should make the most of the time they have left. Calvin tells him he's reserved the rest of the month for moping.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 AUG 1995
Heh heh! If I miss this target, THIS water balloon is reusable! Bad idea.
Calvin has a water balloon tied on a string to a tree branch. He says if he misses his target, the water balloon is reusable. Susie walks by. The balloon misses her. As it swings back, she catches it. She then throws it at Calvin. He takes off running, saying that was a bad idea.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 AUG 1995
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
Spaceman Spiff flees the bug beings of Zartron-9. Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death ray blaster. It's taking a long time to boot up. Finally, it does, and Spiff selects "blaster". He gets pull down settings and a dialog box. He makes his selections, but the screen doesn't change. He tries "F1" for help. He goes through the choices. None of them is correct. He hadn't set the number of volts. He enters it and gets an "invalid setting" indication. KRAKK! Spiff is hit and is going down. Dad can't get his computer to boot up. He asks if someone has been playing with it. Calvin walks by and says the whole thing went down, but he jumped clear at the last second.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 AUG 1995
Look! A quarter!! Wow! I'm rich beyond my dreams! I can have anything I want! All my prayers have been answered! Maybe there/s more.
Calvin finds a quarter in the grass. He's rich beyond his dreams. All his prayers have been answered. He stops, then lies down to look some more. He thinks maybe there's more.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 AUG 1995
I'd build a raft for this pond, but I don't have a place to dock it. I've always said you're a friend without pier. Huh? Nothing. Mm. I guess you're under a lot of pier pressure. Is something wrong with you?!
Calvin says he'd build a raft for their pond, but he doesn't have a place to dock it. Hobbes says he's always said Calvin is a friend without pier. Calvin doesn't get it. Hobbes says Calvin's under a lot of pier pressure. Calvin asks if there is something wrong with Hobbes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 AUG 1995
Here's Stinky, the talking sock! Hi, Stinky! Say something to Susie! Hello, you ugly bucket of boogers! That darn "Throw your voice" ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled.
Calvin has a sock on his hand. He goes up to Susie and says it's Stinky, the talking sock. Stinky says Susie is an ugly bucket of boogers. Calvin, beaten up and lying on the ground, says that darn "throw your voice" ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 AUG 1995
There aren't many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business leaders? Sports figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we're lucky if they don't end up in prison! Fortunately, if we can't get inspiration, we'll accept entertainment. As usual, the hero business is up to me.
Calvin tells Hobbes there aren't many heroes these days. He asks who is out there to inspire them with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice. He asks if they can look up to business leaders, politicians, celebrities. He says they're lucky if they don't end up in prison. Hobbes says that fortunately, if they can't get inspiration, they'll accept entertainment. Calvin dons his Stupendous Man hood and says that the hero business is up to him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 SEPT 1995
Hello? Mm-hmm... No thank you, I'm not interested. Hmm? ... no, I don't want... mm... as I said, I don't... mm-hmmm... no I... mm... look, I'm not... hmm? DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I HAVE A LIFE BEYOND THIS SALES PITCH AND YOU'RE INTRUDING ON IT?! There would be more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.
Mom answers the phone and says she isn't interested. She keeps trying to get off the phone with the sales person. Finally, she yells into the phone that she has a life beyond this sales pitch and it's being intruded upon. Angrily, Mom says there would be move civility in the world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. Calvin walks by saying he's only civil because he doesn't know any swear words.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 SEPT 1995
Hold it. Wait, I need to... KACHOOO! Wow, this is your best driver's license photo EVER! Until this expires, I will be driving EXACTLY the speed limit!
Dad is sitting on a chair. He asks for them to hold it. He sneezes. Calvin says this is Dad's best driver's license photo ever. Dad says that until it expires, he's driving exactly the speed limit.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 SEPT 1995
Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Susie waits for the school bus and hears a noise. Calvin is being dragged by Mom. He has his blanket, which is dragging the lamp, phone, cereal, and school books along with it. Mom angrily stands next to Calvin, who's also standing angrily. Susie glances at them. The bus comes. Mom smiles, while Calvin is horrified and starts running. Mom catches him and stuff him onto the bus. As the bus drives off, Susie asks Calvin if he knows that nobody on their street sets an alarm clock in the morning. Calvin tells her to shut up.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 SEPT 1995
Hobbes is allowed to eat at the table with me tonight? And we get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches? This is more like it! Boy, you look nice. Thank you. ...uh-oh. Dibs on the French fries.
Hobbes gets to eat with Calvin at the table for dinner. They get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches. Calvin says this is more like it. Mom serves his sandwich, and Calvin notices Mom is dressed nicely. Calvin suspects something.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 SEPT 1995
Calvin, if you run these stockings...! Dear, grab him! NO! NO! NOT ROSALYN! AAAAAAAAAAA! HELP! DON'T LEAVE ME!! ... and the neighbors' numbers are (pull a leg, will you?) by the phone. I told you my rates doubled, right?
Calvin is holding onto Mom's leg. Dad is pulling one of Calvin's legs to get him off. Calvin sees Rosalyn. Dad tells Rosalyn the neighbors' numbers are by the phone, and could she pull a leg? Rosalyn asks if she told them her rates have doubled.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 SEPT 1995
OK Calvin, listen up. Aaa! No! I'm not going to bed! You can't make me! You and I are going to make a deal. A deal?! What kind of deal?? I'm not making any deal! You don't give me ANY trouble tonight, and we'll play a game. What's the game? "Kill the kid"?! No way! Plus, you get to stay up half an hour past your bedtime. Notice how obediently I'm sitting here.
Rosalyn offers Calvin a deal. She says if Calvin doesn't give him any trouble tonight, they'll play a game. He asks what game, "Kill the Kid"? She adds that he can stay up half an hour past his bedtime. Calvin obediently sits there.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 SEPT 1995
So what's the game I get to play if I'm good? You decide. Pick your favorite game. Is this a trick? Can we really play my favorite game?? Sure, why not? What is it? CALVINBALL!! CALVINball?? Get out the time-fracture wickets, Hobbes! We're gonna play Calvinball! What the heck is Calvinball?
Calvin gets to choose the game to play. He asks if it's a trick, and Rosalyn tells him they can play his favorite game. He chooses Calvinball. Calvin tells Hobbes to get the time-fracture wickets. Rosalyn asks what the heck is Calvinball.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 SEPT 1995
And if I do all my homework, we get to stay up an extra half hour to play Calvinball! Oh boy! Here, you can double-check my math problems while I start on my history. We've got to get this done. You finished your math?? We're here to have a nice time. Try not to think about all the trouble Calvin's getting into. Did you hear that?? It sounded like another sier.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if he does all his homework, they get to stay up to play Calvinball. Calvin finishes his math homework and starts his history work. At the restaurant, Mom says they're there to have a nice time and not to think of what trouble Calvin's getting into. Dad spins around and says that sounded like another siren.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 SEPT 1995
I finished all my homework, just like you said to, Rosalyn. Great. are you ready to play your game then? First we need to make you a mask. A mask? what for? When you play Calvinball, you wear a mask. Why? Sorry, no one's allowed to question the masks. This sounds like a great game.
Calvin finishes his homework, and he says he has to make Rosalyn a mask. When she asks why, Calvin tells her no one is allowed to question the masks.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 SEPT 1995
Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink. The allosaur is thirsty, too. This means confrontation. The ultrasaur turns around to glower at the allosaur. Calvin is standing behind Moe at the drinking fountain. Calvin says that fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 SEPT 1995
Other kids' games are all such a bore! They've got to have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! You don't need a team or a referree! You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me! If you wanna.... Uh, feel free to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. This was a mistake.
Calvin sings a Calvinball song about having a game that's never the same, it's always bizarre. It's named after him. He tells Rosalyn to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. Rosalyn thinks this was a mistake.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 SEPT 1995
I've got the Calvinball! Everybody else has to go in slow motion now! Wait a minute, Calvin. I don't... You have to TALK in slow motion liiike thisss. Thiisss gaaaame maaakes noooo sennnse! It'ssss aasss iffff you'rrrre maaakinnnggg iiiiit uuuup aaas youuu gooo. Hobbes! She stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom! Run!! OH...
Calvin has the Calvinball, so everyone has to go in slow motion. When Rosalyn tries to clarify what's happening, Calvin tells her she has to talk in slow motion. In slow motion, Rosalyn says this game makes no sense. It's as if he's making it up as he goes. Calvin says she's stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom. They run. Rosalyn now understands.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 SEPT 1995
If I'm in the perimeter of wisdom, then I get to make a decree. A decree? Um... OK. I decree that you have to catch a water balloon that I throw high in the air. Oh NO! Man, she picked up the nuances of this game FAST! Ha! This IS fun!
Rosalyn says if she's in the perimeter of wisdom, she gets to make a decree. She decrees that Calvin has to catch a water balloon she throws high into the air. As Rosalyn races to get a balloon, Calvin tells Hobbes that she picked up the nuances of this game fast.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 SEPT 1995
OK Calvin, you have to catch the water balloon! AAA! Ha, I'm in the corollary zone! If I catch the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still! WHAT?! I CAUGHT IT!! HA HA HA HA! Oh this is going to be SWEET! I'm taking Hobbes prisoner!
Rosalyn tosses the water balloon into the air. As he runs, Calvin says he's in the corollary zone. If he catches the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still. Calvin catches it. He thinks this is going to be sweet. Rosalyn grabs Hobbes and holds him behind her.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 SEPT 1995
Hobbes! Don't guard Rosalyn! I'm going to get her with this balloon! The tiger is my prisoner! I guess I'll just have to soak you BOTH then! Ha ha ha! Sorry, Calvin, I touched you with the babysitter flag. The babysitter flag?? What's that? It means you must obey the babysitter. ...who says it's a half-hour past your bedtime now. Let's go in. Awwwww! Darn babysitter flag.
Calvin tells Hobbes not to guard Rosalyn. He wants to hit her with the balloon. Calvin says he'll just have to soak both of them. Rosalyn touches Calvin with the flag. She says the baby sitter flag means he has to obey the baby sitter. She says it's a half hour past his bedtime. They have to go in. Calvin grumbles about the darn baby sitter flag.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 SEPT 1995
Our house is still standing. That's a good sign. We're home! Is everything OK? Fine. Calvin did his homework, then we played a game, and Calvin went to bed. It's awfully late for jokes, Rosalyn. I've noticed that when we play games with girls, you get captured a lot. Some of us are just irresistable.
Dad pulls up and sees the house is still standing. Mom asks how everything is. Rosalyn tells them everything's fine. She says Calvin did his homework, they played a game, and Calvin went to bed. Dad says it's awfully late for jokes. In bed, Calvin says he noticed that when they play games with girls, Hobbes gets captured a lot. Hobbes says some of us are just irresistible.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 SEPT 1995
Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 SEPT 1995
Wake up! It's time to get ready for school. Just checking. I'm glad you're up and dressed. That should throw her off the trail for a while.
Mom wakes Calvin for school. He gets dressed. Mom looks in to see Calvin is dressed. Calvin crawls back in bed, saying that should throw them off the trail for awhile.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 SEPT 1995
For show and tell, I brought a little toy airplane. It's sort of ordinary, I suppose. But I like to have it around. It reminds me that as soon as I save a little more money, I'll buy a ticket and put so much distance between you chumps and me, it will boggle your minds. It's not an "attitude". It's a fact.
For show and tell, Calvin has a toy airplane. He says it's ordinary, but he likes to have it around. He says it reminds him that as soon as he saves a little more money, he'll buy a ticket and put so much distance between his classmate chumps and him, it would boggle their minds. In front of the principal, Calvin defends himself, saying it's not an "attitude", it's a fact.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 SEPT 1995
"Original flavor" ... wait, here's "Less sodium", and here's "Lite", and here's "Less fat". What if I wanted less fat AND less salt? What distinguishes "Lite" from these others? Does the "Original flavor" package imply that the others taste different? Frankly, my life was plenty complicated BEFORE the potato chips.
Dad is shopping. He sees "original flavor", "low sodium", "lite", "less fat". He wonders what he does if he wants less fat and less salt. He wonders what distinguishes "lite" from the others. He wonders if the "original flavor" package implies the others taste differently. He says his life was plenty complicated before potato chips.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 SEPT 1995
Look at all this peanut butter! There must be three sizes of five brands of four consistencies! Who demands this much choice?? I know! I'll quite my job and devote my life to choosing peanut butter! Is "chunky" chunky enough, or do I need "EXTRA chunky"? I'll compare ingredients! I'll compare brands! I'll compare sizes and prices! Maybe I'll drive around and see what OTHER stores have! So much selection and so little time! I think YOU should do the shopping. Did the manager have to talk to you again? Hey, where's the peanut butter?!
Dad sees several choices of peanut butter. He wonders who demands so much choice. He says he'll quit his job and devote his live to choosing peanut butter. He'll compare brands and ingredients. He'll compare sizes and prices. He'll drive around seeing what other stores have. At home, Dad tells Mom that she should do the shopping. She asks if the manager had to talk to him again. Calvin wonders where the peanut butter is.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 SEPT 1995
Ook ook ee! Ooh! Ook. In humor, timing is everything.
Calvin walks behind Moe. Calvin drags his knuckles, then scratches himself like an ape. Moe turns around and sees him. Pounded, Calvin says in humor, timing is everything.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 SEPT 1995
I like cereal to crackle and pop when I put milk on it. See? Very entertaining. I've never seen raisin bran do that. I put in an alka-seltzer.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes his cereal to crackle and pop when he puts milk on it. He shows Hobbes. Hobbes says he's never seen Raisin Bran do that. Calvin put in an Alka-Seltzer.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 SEPT 1995
I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin doesn't snap the ball, because he's the quarterback for the other team. He's a traitor. Calvin heads for the goal. Hobbes says he's running the wrong way. When he learned Calvin was a spy, he switched goals. Calvin's is hidden. Calvin says as a traitor, crossing his goal counts as crossing Hobbes' goal. Hobbes says Calvin's goal is hidden right under Hobbes', so the points will go to him. Calvin says he's really a double-agent. Hobbes will lose points if Calvin crosses his goal. Hobbes retorts that he's also a traitor. The points will go to Calvin's team, which is really his team. Calvin admits that would be true, except he's really a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player. Hobbes is secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player. Calvin says sooner or later, all their games turn into Calvinball.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 SEPT 1995
I need your help, Hobbes. What's the problem? The teacher said my book report was terrible and I need to do it over. Really?? Obviously, I need a cooler letterhead logo. I'll add more lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield.
Calvin needs Hobbes' help. The teacher said his book report was terrible, and it has to be done over. Calvin says he obviously needs a cooler letterhead logo. Hobbes starts adding lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 SEPT 1995
I hear we're having a fire drill today. Right. Wow! How exciting! I can't wait! Do you know what to do? You bet! When do they pass out the gasoline?
Calvin asks Susie if they're having a fire drill today. She says they are. She asks if he knows what to do. Calvin tells her he does, then asks when they pass out the gasoline.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 SEPT 1995
And so, after a three minute downpour, he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
Calvin stands waiting for the school bus. He has his raincoat and hat on, holding an umbrella. It's raining. Then it stops, and the sun come out. Calvin says that after the three minute downpour, he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 SEPT 1995
Not everyone can get a foll isometric workout by just yawning.
Hobbes stretches out, arches his back, then hunches it. Calvin says not everyone can get a full isometric workout just by yawning.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 SEPT 1995
I wish school would disappear forever, right now! To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says he wishes school would disappear forever right now. The bus pulls up. Inside, he says to make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 SEPT 1995
Uh oh, I feel a sneeze coming on. Aaa! No tissue! No hanky! I... ah.. ah.. ah.. KACHOO! Of my limited options, this was probably the worst.
Calvin feels a sneeze coming on. He has no tissue, no hanky. He sneezes and holds his shirt up to his nose. He says of his limited options, this was probably the worst.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 OCT 1995
Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet. To survive, he must find food. Spiff follows a scavenger Mordon. There may be a fresh kill nearby. Due to the stench, our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot. The grasses can't be eaten. The fruit is poisonous. Weak and despairing, Spiff looks into a frozen geyser pit. Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! Susie tells him that isn't very healthy. Calvin mumbles he only needs to survive until he can escape.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 OCT 1995
Boy, I hate school assignments! Miss Wormwood is out to destroy my life! What do you have to do? Make a leaf collection! What a dumb waste of time! How many leaves do you need? 50! I gotta collect 50 leaves! And just when I thought of a loophole, the teacher said every leaf has to be a different kind. She's got your number.
Calvin throws his books, saying he hates school assignments. He says he has to make a leaf collection. Hobbes asks how many leaves he needs. Fifty, Calvin replies. Hands in pockets, Calvin says that just when he thought of a loophole, Miss Wormwood said each leaf had to be a different kind. Hobbes says she has his number.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 OCT 1995
When do you need to present your leaf collection? In two weeks. That's not so bad. You just need three or four leaves a day. I'm not working on weekends. OK, five leaves a day. And my weekdays are booked until next Thursday at 6pm! So you need 50 leaves an hour. See? It's impossible!
Hobbes asks when Calvin's leaf collection is due. Calvin tells him two weeks. Hobbes says that's only three or four leaves a day. Calvin says he's not working weekends. Hobbes says then it's five leaves a day. Calvin says his weekdays are booked until next Thursday at 6 PM. Hobbes says he'll need fifty leaves an hour. Calvin says it's impossible.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 OCT 1995
Here's a nice leaf! Do you want it for your collection? No. Why not? It's a beautiful afternoon! I'm not going to waste it doing ridiculous busywork for school! But this would be one less leaf you'd need to collect later. Yeah, but it's one MORE leaf than I need right now. Somehone, it's always right now until it's later. Whatever THAT means.
Hobbes sees a leaf for Calvin's collection. He doesn't want it. It's a beautiful afternoon, and he won't waste it doing busywork for school. Hobbes tells him it would be one less leaf to collect later. Calvin replies it's one leaf more than he needs right now. As Hobbes tosses the leaf, he says somehow, it's always right now until it's too late.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 OCT 1995
Hi, Calvin. Have you started your leaf collection yet? I've been visualizing the conceptualisation process. That's the hard part. I'M almost done. Isn't it fun? It's like a treasure hunt! A treasure hunt?!? Are you crazy?? This is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn't fun! "When life gives you a lemon, make a lemonade." I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!
Susie asks if Calvin has started his leaf collection. Calvin says he's been visualizing the conception process. Susie is almost done. She says it's almost like a treasure hunt. Calvin yells to her that it's a stupid, boring, forced assignment. It isn't fun. Susie says that when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. Calvin says when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 OCT 1995
Our leaf collections aren't due for a week yet! How could you possibly be almost done?! I make it a game. I pretend it's a contest to see how many leaves I can find each day. That way, it's not an assignment, it's fun! Did you know that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism? I'll bet another sign is moving to the next grade each year.
Calvin asks how Susie could almost be done if the collections aren't due for a week. Susie makes it a game. She sees how many leaves she can find each day. Then it's not an assignment, it's fun. Calvin asks if she knows that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism. Angrily, Susie walks off. She says she bets another sign is moving to the next grade each year.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 OCT 1995
The teacher reminded us that we only have a week left to finish our leaf collections, so we ought to be half done now. You haven't even started. Yeah, but I work better under pressure. Actually, you work ONLY under pressure. That way, the work time is more miserable, but there's less of it.
Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that the teacher reminded the class there is only a week left for their leaf collections. They should be half done now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he hasn't started. Calvin says he works better under pressure. Hobbes clarifies that he only works under pressure. Calvin says the work time is more miserable, but there's less of it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 OCT 1995
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 OCT 1995
Mom, I need to collect leaves for a school project. Could we go to the arboretum sometime? Sure. How about this weekend? Um, it would be better to do it a little sooner. When is this due? Well, my notebook's in the car and the park closes in 20 minutes. Calvin, I'm fixing dinner!
Calvin asks Mom if they can go to the arboretum, since he has to collect leaves for the school project. Mom says they can go that weekend. Calvin thinks it would be better if they did it sooner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin says the notebook is in the car and the park closes in twenty minutes. Mom says she's making dinner.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 OCT 1995
My leaf collection is doomed! I can't believe Mom wouldn't take me to the arboretum. No wonder I get bad grades! Well, you did spring the idea on her at the last second... That's when I thought of it! The problem is that Mom's not flexible. What a stupid waste of time this is! I wish there was some way out of this assignment.
Calvin is grabbing leaves off the ground. He can't believe Mom wouldn't take him to the park. He says it's no wonder he gets bad grades. Hobbes says he did spring it on Mom at the last second. Calvin complains that's when he thought of it. The problem is that Mom isn't flexible. Calvin wishes there was some way out of the assignment. Suddenly, a spacecraft appears above them.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 OCT 1995
A UFO!! Take us to the Supreme Earthling Potentate. Um... well... Speaking. Ah! What luck. It was I who chose the landing site. Kudos for Navigator Nebular!
Two aliens come out of their spacecraft and ask to see the supreme earthling potentate. Calvin says they're speaking to him. One of the aliens says he chose the landing site. Kudos to navigator Nebular.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 OCT 1995
So, uh, what can I do for you? We are taking over your world. You are?? What for?? Earth is prime real estate. Location, location, location. I guess I'd never thought about that. Charm, atmosphere, quiet galaxy... Actually the atmosphere needs cleaning. A good fixer upper.
The aliens are taking over the world. Calvin asks why. The aliens reply earth is prime real estate. Calvin says he never thought of that. One alien says there is charm, atmosphere, and a quiet galaxy. Hobbes says the atmosphere needs cleaning. The other alien says it's a good fixer upper.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 OCT 1995
As Supreme Earthling Potentate, I'm afraid I can't let you just come in and take over the planet. You make this difficult. Prepare for war. Let's not be hasty. I'll trade you Earth for 50 alien tree leaves. Pst! These primitive fools must use leaves as currncy! It's a deal! I need them by 8:00 tonight, and they have to be properly identified and labeled. Hurry, Nebular! At light speed, we can just make it! our leader will be most pleased.
Calvin says he can't let them come in and take over the planet. The aliens tell him to prepare for war. Calvin offers to trade the earth for fifty alien tree leaves. One alien whispers the primitive fools must use leaves for currency. It's a deal. Calvin says he needs them by 8:00 tonight, properly identified and labeled. The aliens race off, saying their leader will be most pleased.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 OCT 1995
You're trading the Earth for 50 alien tree leaves?! I'll have the coolest project in the class! And best of all, we don't need to waste any more time on this! The aliens are doing all the work! We can goof off the rest of the day! But then the aliens take over the Earth. Well it's not like the grownups have done such a bang-up job.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he's trading earth for fifty alien tree leaves. Calvin says he'll have the coolest project in class. Plus, he doesn't have to waste any more time on gathering his own leaves. They can goof off all day. Hobbes says then the aliens take over the earth. Calvin replies it isn't like the grownups have done such a bang-up job.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 OCT 1995
... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Hobbes loves the fall. He likes the cool days, the smell of leaves, the colors. Calvin says autumn is melancholy. Summer is over in a week or two, and things will hunker down for a long winter. Nothing lasts. He says fall is a last fling before things get worse. Hobbes asks if they' appreciate how precious things are if they lasted forever. Calvin likes to have everything so good, so he can take it all for granted.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 OCT 1995
Hey, no TV until your leaf collection is done. It's getting done as we speak. What's that supposed to mean? Let's see it. I can't show you until later tonight. Why not? You should probably sit down. man, she didn't even want to HEAR about it.
Mom tells Calvin he can't watch TV until his leaf collection is done. He says it's getting done as they speak. Mom asks what he means. She wants to see the collection. Calvin says she should sit down. Upstairs, Calvin grumpily walks in saying Mom didn't even want to hear about it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 OCT 1995
It's almost bedtime and the aliens haven't come back with the leaves. It's a long trip. What if they don't show up? They SAID they would. Maybe they got lost. Space aliens don't get lost! They've got superior technology! Everybody knows that! It's a big universe. I'll turn on some more lights.
As they play, Hobbes says it's almost bedtime, and the aliens haven't returned with the leaves. Calvin says it's a long trip. Hobbes asks what happens if they don't show up. Calvin says they told him they would. Hobbes wonders if they got lost. Calvin tells him their superior technology prevents them getting lost. Hobbes says it's a big universe. Calvin offers to turn on more lights.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 OCT 1995
The aliens still haven't shown up! What are we going to do?? I've got to turn in my leaf collection tomorrow! I'll bet those dumb aliens got back to their planet and procrastinated! I'll bet they have no respect for deadlines! I'll bet they put everything off and are doing a lousy job at the last second! How could anyone be so irresponsible? If they're not here in five minutes, I'm not handing over the Earth! They've got to learn a lesson!
Calvin says the aliens haven't shown up. He bets the aliens got back to their planet and procrastinated. He bets they have no respect for deadlines. He bets they put it off and are doing a lousy job at the last second. Hobbes rolls his eyes and wonders how anyone could be so irresponsible. Calvin says if they aren't there in five minutes, he's not handing over the earth.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 OCT 1995
Look! I see headlights coming over the trees! The aliens are back! Man, it's about time! C'mon, let's go get my leaf collection! You're out collecting LEAVES at THIS hour in your PAJAMAS?!? Get back in bed!! I TOLD you! Space aliens gave me these! They just left!
Hobbes sees headlights over the trees. Calvin thinks it's the aliens. He goes to collect his leaves. Dad sees Calvin outside collecting leaves in his pajamas. Dad has a flashlight. He tells Calvin to get in bed. Calvin says space aliens left the leaves for him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 OCT 1995
Boy, you look tired. I'll bet you were up late doing your leaf collection. Maybe, but I'VE got the best collection of all! MY leaves are from another planet! What?! See how bizarre they are? The labels are even written in an alien language! Look at their cool alphabet! It looks like you took 50 maple leaves and cut them into weird shapes. Aliens now own the Earth and I told them girls make good zoo exhibits.
Susie asks Calvin if he was up late doing the leaf collection. Calvin tells her his leaves are from another planet. Susie looks at them and says he took fifty maple leaves and cut them into weird shapes. Calvin informs Susie that aliens now own the earth and he told them girls make good zoo exhibits.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 OCT 1995
The teacher didn't believe my leaves were from an alien planet. She said it was obvious I did the whole thing last night and I made a mockery of the assignment. Well, she'll be sorry when the aliens send her to the plutonium mines. She just won't admit it was a pointless project. Who cares about leaves?! What useless knowledge! I believe that's poison sumac you're holding. This?? What makes you say that?
Calvin says the teacher didn't believe his leaves were from an alien planet. She told Calvin it was obvious he did it last night and make a mockery of the assignment. Calvin grabs some leaves and tells Hobbes the teacher won't admit it was a pointless project. He asks who cares about leaves. He calls it useless knowledge. Hobbes tells Calvin he's holding poison sumac. Calvin asks what makes Hobbes say that.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 OCT 1995
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
A pile of leaves sneaks along. It climbs back into the tree. Calvin walks by and comments on how ugly the tree is with a big pile of leaves sitting in it. It falls down on him. Calvin runs. Dad asks where his leaf pile went. Calvin informs him it went back home. He asks if Dad doesn't have something larger than a rake.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 OCT 1995
No text
Dad rides his bicycle, then hits a rock and falls. At home, battered, Dad takes a bath. Afterward, he looks at a tricycle and wonders.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 OCT 1995
He's at the 30... the 20... Calvin's going for the touchdown! WAAA thwangg. You're supposed to TACKLE me! I dunno... that seems so lowbrow.
Calvin is running with the football. He's going for a touchdown. Hobbes pulls a rope he has tied to a string. Calvin trips. On the ground, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to tackle him. Hobbes says that seems so lowbrow.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 OCT 1995
You know, school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day. ... and if you didn't have to learn anything... and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great. A lot of things are like that. Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I've got tons of ideas!
Calvin tells Hobbes school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day...and if you didn't have to learn anything...and if you took away the teachers and other kids. School would then be great. Hobbes tells him a lot of things are like that. Calvin says nobody asks him how things ought to be. He has tons of ideas.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 OCT 1995
Yes, Calvin? Hey kids, on tomorrow's show and tell, I'll be bringing a big surprise! Will it shock you and amaze you... OR will it disgust and terrify you?? Find out tomorrow when I reveal my next SHOW AND TELL HORROR! Don't miss it! Returning to the LESSON.... That's called a teaser, by the way.
Calvin raises his hand in class. He tells the class that tomorrow, he'll bring a big surprise. It will either shock and amaze them, or it will disgust and terrify. He tells them not to miss it. Miss Wormwood tries to return to the lesson. Calvin tells the class that's called a teaser.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 OCT 1995
In the future, everything will be effortless. Computers will take care of every task. We'll just point to what we want done and click. We'll never need to leave the climate-controlled comfort of our homes! No nuisance, no wasted time, no annoying human interaction... ...no life. Life is too inconvenient.
Calvin thinks everything will be effortless in the future. Computers will handle every task. They'll never leave the climate-controlled comfort of their homes. He says there will be no nuisance, no wasted time, no annoying human interaction. Hobbes suggests that would be no life. Calvin says life is too inconvenient.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 OCT 1995
You're going to juggle eggs? It's a metaphor for life, Hobbes. Each egg represents one of life's concerns and the goal is to give each the appropriate amount of individual attention while simultaneously watching and guiding all the others. Life is about balance and staying quick and alert as everything threatens to spin out of control! And sometimes we make a big mess of things. But the important thing is persistence.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to juggle eggs. Calvin says it's a metaphor for life. Each egg represents one of life's concerns. The goal is to give the right amount of attention while watching and guiding the others. Life is about balance and staying alert as things threaten to spin out of control. There are broken eggs all over the living room. Hobbes says sometimes, they make a big mess of things. Calvin says the important thing is persistence.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 OCT 1995
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Asleep in bed, Hobbes yawns and rolls over, taking Calvin's blanket. Calvin tries to pull it back to no avail. He then rolls Hobbes back over, only to find he is at the edge of the bed. He pushes Hobbes back over again, and there goes the blanket with Hobbes. Calvin goes to Mom and Dad's bedroom. He crawls into bed next to Mom and rolls over. There goes the blanket, leaving Dad without any cover.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 OCT 1995
*KHHKHKT* Boy genius to fanged terror, come in! Do you read me? Over! *KHKKHHKT* I'LL take the walkie-talkie. YOU take the test. Ixsay inusmay ourfay! Urryhay!
Miss Wormwood sits at her desk. She hears "Boy genius to fanged terror". Calvin is talking into a walkie-talkie in pig Latin. He's asking for the answer to six minus four. Miss Wormwood says she'll take the walkie-talkie, and Calvin can take the test.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 OCT 1995
Trick or treat! Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be? I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak! Am I scary, or waht?
Calvin is trick-or-treating. He's asked where his costume is and what he's supposed to be. Calvin replies he's another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised to take his place to take over the world. As he walks away, he asks if he's scary or what.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 NOV 1995
Bok whiff whaff fiff foof I can't help but wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this thing.
Calvin plays with a paddle ball. Or he tries. He can't help but wonder what kind of desperate straits drive a man to invent that thing.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 NOV 1995
Look! Geese flying south for the winter. Twice a year they migrate thousands of miles across the continent in an exhausting, eternal struggle to fulfill nature's unyielding demands. I'll bet that gets old real fast. You don't see ME keeping a summer home.
Geese are flying south for the winter. Calvin explains twice a year they migrate thousands of miles to fulfill nature's unyielding demands. Calvin and Hobbes watch the geese. Calvin says he bets that gets old real fast.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 NOV 1995
Why isn't my life like this situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems? Why don't you know any gorgeous babes? I gotta get my life some writers.
Calvin asks why his life isn't like a situation comedy. He asks why he doesn't have friends who drop by and instigate wacky adventures. He asks why his conversations aren't peppered with spontaneous witticisms. Hobbes asks if he knows any gorgeous babes. Calvin says he needs to get his life some writers.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 NOV 1995
Know what's weird? Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different. You just go about your business and one day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not! Thank heaven for small favors. For example, I used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
Calvin tells Hobbes that day by day, nothing seems to happen. Pretty soon, though, things are different. One day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not. Hobbes says thank heaven for small favors. Calvin suspiciously looks at Hobbes and says he used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 NOV 1995
Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Let's have some snow!! It's snowing! I can make it snow! I'm psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh, he's going to hate me for this.
Calvin turns a tree into a transport pod and descends underground. He gets out of the pod, and a robot salutes him. He climbs into a spaceship and flies to a space station. He tells Mom he's home. Calvin looks around his house. He tells Mom his life could stand a lot more pizazz. Mom is vacuuming. She says he should tell her about it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 NOV 1995
I wonder how long it's been since I last looked at the clock. Maybe it's been an hour. Well, actually it's probably been only 40 minutes. I'll guess half an hour to be safe. 20 seconds?!? It's going to be a very bad day. Calvin, sit up.
Calvin wonders how long it's been since he looked at the clock. He thinks maybe an hour. He decides to guess half an hour to be safe. He looks. Twenty seconds! He thinks it's going to be a very bad day.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 NOV 1995
I'M IN A VERY CRABBY MOOD, SO EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE EVERYONE!! Nobody recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.
Calvin yells that he's in a crabby mood and wants to be left alone. He storms off, then looks around. He says nobody recognizes his hints to smother him with affection.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 NOV 1995
As a genius, it's important that I write a lot of letters. After all, my correspondence will be the basic resource material for historians to reconstruct my life. My writing will provide countless fascinating insights for biographers. Such as how all your salutations begin, "Hey boogerbrain". It's been three weeks and I still haven't received my X-Ray glasses!
As a genius, Calvin says it's important he write a lot of letters. He tells Hobbes his correspondence will be resource material for historians to reconstruct his life. He says his writings will provide fascinating insights for biographers. Hobbes notices how all his salutations begin "Hey, boogerbrain". Calvin complains that it's been three weeks, and he still hasn't received his x-ray glasses.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 NOV 1995
Yikes! Not another extreme close-up on somebody's anguish and grief! Why do TV cameras zoom in so close to people's faces that you can't even see their entire heads?! Do they think we can't read the person's expression from more than two inches away?! What a violation of personal space! What a shameless intrusion! What a heartless assault on human dignity! Why are you standing against the wall? I'm watching TV.
Dad watches television. He sees another extreme close-up of someone's anguish. He wonders why cameras zoom in so close you can't see their entire head. He asks if they think he can't read the person's expression from more than two inches away. He calls it a violation of personal space. It's a heartless assault on human dignity. Mom asks why he's standing against the wall. Dad says he's watching television.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 NOV 1995
AUGHH! THIS STUPID TOASTER BURNED MY TOAST!! Look at this! My toast is charred to a black cinder! I can't eat this! It's ruined! RUINED!! So stick in another piece of bread and watch it this time. Are you suggesting that this appliance didn't aggravate me with malice aforethought?!
Calvin's toast is burned. He complains that he can't eat it, and that it's ruined. Mom walks by and tells him to stick another piece of bread in and watch it this time. Calvin asks if she's suggesting the appliance didn't aggravate him with malice aforethought.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 NOV 1995
I keep having the same weird dream every night. If it's the same dream, it must MEAN something. I think it means the fall season flopped and my subconscious went into reruns.
Calvin keeps having the same dream every night. Hobbes says if it's the same dream, it must mean something. Calvin thinks it means the fall season flopped and his subconscious went into reruns.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 NOV 1995
Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
There is a map, drawn to shop a sled ride down Mt. Vertigo, though the woods, going to the pine tree. The map shows picking up hidden snowballs and blasting Susie. It shows a getaway, and ending with a jump into an impenetrable fortress. Calvin looks around wishing it would snow.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 NOV 1995
Brrr, it's freezing out there! I don't want to leave my nice warm bed. On days like this, I wish Mom would come in, lay an extra blanket over me, pat my head, and as I sink into the pillow under the weight of the covers, she'd say... HEY, LET'S MOVE IT!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE CALLED YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE BUS! LET'S GO!! These mornings are going to kill me.
Snuggled under blankets, Calvin says he doesn't want to leave his warm bed. He wishes Mom would lay an extra blanket on him, pat his head, and he'd sink into the pillow. Mom yells in this is the third time she's called Calvin. She says Calvin will miss the bus. Shivering, Calvin gets up and says these mornings are going to kill him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 NOV 1995
The pace of modern life is all wrong. It makes every day an ordeal. Everybody's exhausted, stressed out, and short-tempered! Look at me! Why am I waiting for a bus at this horrible hour?! It's unnatural and unhealthy! We should EASE into the day! You know, read the paper, have some hot cocoa, go for a leisurely walk and get our thoughts together... So now it's mid-afternoon. Right. Time to kick back for a little siesta and plan dinner.
Calvin says the pace of modern life is all wrong. He says every day is an ordeal. He asks why he's waiting for the school bus at that hour. He says it's unnatural and unhealthy. He says people should ease into the day. They should read the paper, have cocoa, go for a walk. Hobbes says it would then be mid-afternoon. Calvin continues that it would be time to kick back and plan dinner.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 NOV 1995
I want the last piece of pie! Don't divide it up! Give it all to ME! Don't be selfish, Calvin. So the real message here is "be dishonest"?
There is one piece of pie left. Calvin tells Mom he wants the last piece. He doesn't want her to divide it. He wants it all. Mom tells him not to be selfish. Calvin asks if the real message is to be dishonest. Mom gives him the piece of pie.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 NOV 1995
Ugghh... manicotti! Gross! Shlooop. AIEE! MY INTESTINES JUST BURST THROUGH MY STOMACH WALL! AAAA!! I should get some more and see if I can get out of math class.
Calvin is grossed out by the school lunch of manicotti. He dumps it down the front of his shirt. Susie comes over to sit by him, and Calvin lifts his shirt. He makes a face and says his intestines just burst through his stomach wall. Susie is horrified. Calvin smiles and says he should get more to see if he can get out of math class.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 NOV 1995
This is a photograph of me when I was two. It's strange. I KNOW that's me, but I don't feel any connection to this image. Everything is so different now. Isn't it weird that one's own past can seem unreal? This is like looking at a picture of somebody else. Say, a slobbering nudist with legs like link sausages. You know, now I can't STAND to wad a soggy blanket in my mouth.
Calvin shows Hobbes a photo of when he was two. Calvin knows it's him, but he doesn't feel a connection to the image. He says it's like looking at a picture of someone else. Hobbes thinks it looks like a slobbering nudist with legs like sausages. Calvin says now he can't stand to wad a soggy blanket in his mouth.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 NOV 1995
Here's a picture of me when I was three. Look at that smile! Ahh, the arrogance of youth! I thought I knew everything when I was three. And you expwethed aww that knowwedge wike thith. Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.
Calvin shows Hobbes a photo of when he was three. He says he thought he knew everything then. Calvin says a lifetime of experience has left him bitter and cynical.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 NOV 1995
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Calvin runs out of the house, late for the school bus. He makes it, but realizes he left his lunch. Mom sees the lunch and runs to give it to Calvin. They miss each other. Mom is at the bus stop, and Calvin is inside looking for lunch. Mom and Calvin finally hook up, only to see the school bus taking off. They yell at each other. Mom angrily takes Calvin to school. Mom goes into the house. Calvin realizes something. Mom sees the books Calvin left in the house when he had gone in looking for his lunch.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 NOV 1995
I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Why?? It's no contest! You've got the entire advantage! What could you possibly get out of pounding someone completely defenseless! It's fun. Oh, he's a sportsman.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin asks why. He says it's no contest. He asks what Moe gets from pounding someone completely defenseless. Moe says it's fun. Calvin says Moe is a sportsman.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 NOV 1995
Hello? Hi Mom, it's Calvin. Is something wrong? You're supposed to be in school! It's recess. I'm fine. Then why are you calling me? Actually, I'm calling Hobbes. Would you put him on? I gotta get my own secretary.
Calvin calls Mom at home. She asks if something is wrong. Calvin is fine and is at recess. Mom asks why he's calling her. He says he's actually calling Hobbes and asks Mom to put him on the phone. Calvin trudges away, saying he has to get his own secretary.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 NOV 1995
Ooh, it's cold today! It needs to be 30 degrees warmer out here! For that matter, it's also too quiet. We need some background music. And it's too slow! Things should happen more quickly! If only being outside were more like driving a car. Yeah, I could be sitting down now too.
Hobbes and Calvin brace themselves against the cold. Calvin says it needs to be warmer. He adds it's too quiet and needs background music. He says it's too slow. Things should happen more quickly. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says if only being outside were more like driving a car. Calvin agrees, saying they could be sitting down now.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 NOV 1995
Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Why should I? What do I get in return?! We will feed, clothe, shelter, and educate you throughout your entire youth. I really hate having things put in perspective.
Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks what he gets in return. Mom explains they'll feed, clothe, shelter, and educate him throughout his entire youth. Calvin carries the trash saying he hates having things put into perspective.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 NOV 1995
How could anyone wear out shoes so fast? I lead a rugged life.
Calvin stops at a corner in the house. He takes off a shoe and flips it past the corner. Hobbes pounces on it. At the shoe store, Mom asks how anyone could wear out shoes so fast. Calvin tells her he leads a rugged life.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 NOV 1995
I wish it would snow! I know when I'm being mocked.
Calvin looks to the sky and wishes it would snow. A single snowflake comes down and lands on his forehead. Calvin knows when he's being mocked.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 NOV 1995
I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
Calvin asks Hobbes if it seems like everybody shouts at each other. He thinks it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining. Finding consensus is dull. People want fireworks. They want the sense of solidarity that comes from having interests narrowed by like-minded zealots. Talk show hosts, news programs, political candidates all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but everyone is entertained. Hobbes says he may be right. Calvin says this is turning out to be a boring day.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 NOV 1995
People keep talking about opening more wilderness for development. We seem to understand the value of oil, timber, minerals and housing, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, solitude, and spiritual renewal. We need to start putting prices on the priceless. Yeah, if your woods are worth a zillion jillion bagillion, think what Alaska is worth.
Calvin says people talk about opening more wilderness for development. It seems people understand the value of oil, timber, and minerals, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, and solitude. Hobbes suggests they put prices on the priceless.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 NOV 1995
It's freezing in here!! Why can't we crank up the thermostat?! Consuming less fuel is better for the economy and it saves money. Oh. ...and being cold builds character. I KNEW IT!!
Calvin yells for the thermostat to be raised. Dad says consuming less fuel is better for the environment and saves money. Calvin didn't know that. Dad adds that being cold builds character. Calvin knew it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 NOV 1995
These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! "Interesting" is a mild way of putting it. It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!
Calvin reads the newspaper and these are interesting times. He says we don't trust government, the legal system, the media, or each other. They've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it. Hobbes says "interesting" is a mild way of putting it. Calvin calls it a six-year-old's dream come true.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 NOV 1995
You're lisening to "Boomer 102" classic rock - where we promise not to expose you to anything you haven't heard a million times before! We'll get right back to more hits from those high school days when your world stopped... but first, here's our critic to review the latest movie based on a '60s or '70s TV show! What's THAT look supposed to mean?
Calvin listens to the radio, which promises not to expose him to anything he hasn't heard a million time before. It says they'll get back to hits from those high school days when their world stopped. But first, their critic will review the latest movie based on a 60's or 70's TV show. Calvin walks by Dad with a strange look on his face. Dad asks what that look is supposed to mean.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


01 DEC 1995
Ever notice how many conversations revolve around TV shows and movies? Our common references are events that never happened and people we'll never meet! We know more about celebrities and fictional characters than we know about our neighbors! That must be why new houses aren't built with big front porches any more. I can't believe Dad won't let me have a TV in my own room.
Calvin asks if Hobbes has noticed conversations revolve around TV shows and movies. Our common references are things that never happened and people they'll never meet. They know more about fictional characters than they do their neighbors. Hobbes thinks that's why new houses aren't built with big front porches anymore.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


02 DEC 1995
I like the sound of sleet hitting the window panes at night. And I like when the sleet turns to heavy snow as it gets colder, so you know that tomorrow the world will be buried in ice and snow! It's one of the few pleasures reserved for those who don't drive.
Looking out his bedroom window, Calvin says he loves the sound of sleet hitting the window panes at night. When the sleet turns to heavy snow, he knows the world will be buried in ice and snow. He says it's one of the few pleasures reserved for those who don't drive.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


03 DEC 1995
I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking for weirdness. Hobbes finds a rock with a purple stripe. Calvin finds a stick. It's strange, but not weird. There are no bugs out, so nothing there. Calvin finds a bird feather. Hobbes says it's pretty, but not weird. Calvin sees a ripped-up old kite stuck in a tree. Calvin was hoping to find the kid's skeleton at the end of the string. Hobbes thinks that would be weird. They decide to go inside. Hobbes says some days, weirdness is hard to find. Just then, Dad rides by on his bicycle. He's all bundled for the cold. Dad says his glasses are fogged, and he can't blow his nose, but his heart rate is the envy of men half his age. Calvin says weirdness always begins at home. Hobbes says even when you look for it, you're not prepared for it.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


04 DEC 1995
I KNEW I should've thrown than snowball sooner!
At his desk, Calvin looks around. He opens his desk. He is shocked. He says he knew he should have thrown that snowball sooner.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


05 DEC 1995
Dear Santa, Hi, It's me, Calvin. I have been extremely good* this year. Obviously, you're hoping Santa won't read the long, fine print disclosure in the footnote. I got the idea from car ads.
Calvin writes a letter to Santa. He writes he's been extremely good this year and makes a footnote indication near the word "good". Hobbes reads it and says obviously Calvin's hoping Santa won't read the long, fine print disclosure in the footnote. Calvin says he got the idea from car ads.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


06 DEC 1995
Dear Santa, This year, please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Also, I would encourage you to interpret "reasonable doubt" as broadly as possible. That's probably a bad way to start.
Calvin writes to Santa that he should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. He encourages Santa to interpret "reasonable doubt" as broadly as possible. Calvin wads the note up and says that's probably a bad way to start.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


07 DEC 1995
Do you think there's an evil Santa? An EVIL Santa?? Yeah, like Santa's deranged twin brother, or something! He'd make toys for all the BAD girls and boys! Evil Santa would give all the dangerous, annoying, and corrupting toys your parents won't allow! And if you're good? He punishes you with shirts and underwear.
Calvin asks Hobbes if there's an evil Santa. He'd make toys for the bad girls and boys. Evil Santa would give the dangerous, annoying toys parents don't allow. Hobbes asks what would happen if you were good. Calvin says he would punish you with shirts and underwear.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


08 DEC 1995
Dear Santa, Before I submit my life to your moral scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the master of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, huh??? What gives you the right?! Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to. Oh. Time to prepare my appelate case.
Calvin writes to Santa demanding to know who made Santa the master of Calvin's fate. He asks who Santa is to question his behavior. Hobbes tells him Santa makes the toys, so he decides who to give them to. Calvin pauses. He decides it's time to prepare his appellate case.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


09 DEC 1995
I see you, Calvin, and you'd better not throw that snowball! I'm mailing a letter to Santa right now! Is the envelope already sealed? Yes, but I could write a P.S. on the back. Do you have a pen? As a matter of fact, I do. I'll bet she's bluffing but this isn't the time of year to tempt fate.
Susie sees Calvin and tells him not to throw a snowball. She's mailing a letter to Santa. Calvin asks if the letter is sealed. It is, but Susie says she could add a P.S. on the back. Calvin asks if she has a pen. She says she does. Calvin is sure she's bluffing, but he isn't going to tempt fate at that time of year. He drops the snowball.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


10 DEC 1995
Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
Calvin is hit by a snowball. He asks Hobbes if he threw the snowball. Hobbes doesn't know what he's talking about. Calvin accuses him of being sneaky, grim, and ruthless. He says that spells "tiger". Hobbes says it spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts". They start fighting. Susie comes over and tells Calvin he should have seen his expression when she hit him with the snowball. She laughs and walks away. Calvin thinks. He looks at Hobbes, who then pelts Calvin with snowballs for having accused him.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


11 DEC 1995
There's a tree! Hit the brakes! Trees ARE my brakes.
Going down the hill on the sled, Hobbes yells there is a tree. He tells Calvin to hit the brakes. The sled hits the tree. Buried in the snow, Calvin says trees are his brakes.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


12 DEC 1995
I have 200 snowballs! I am utterly invincible! I can act with total impunity! I can do whatever I want! So just hang on while I decide what that is!
Calvin has 200 snowballs. He declares himself invincible. He says he can do whatever he wants. He stands there. He says everyone should hang on until he decides what that is.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


13 DEC 1995
With 200 snowballs at my immediate disposal, I have no opposition! My will is law! I am omnipotent! How boring.
Calvin declares with 200 snowballs at his disposal, he has no opposition. His will is law. He is omnipotent. He stands there. He says "how boring".
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


14 DEC 1995
In the SHORT term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
In the house, Calvin says in the short term, it would make him happy to play outside. In the long term, it would make him happier to do well in school and be successful. As they ride down the hill on the sled, Calvin says in the very long term, he knows which will make better memories.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


15 DEC 1995
First she says go out. Now she says come in.
A snowman has bowled another snowman's head down a lane into snow pins. Calvin tells Hobbes that first, Mom says go out. Now she says go in.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


16 DEC 1995
Ha! What a rotten snowman! That's the worst snowman I've ever seen! So go build a better one! Maybe I will! You're back? MY words speak louder than actions.
Calvin calls Susie's snowman the worst one ever. She tells him to go build a better one. He says maybe he will and walks away. He comes back and says his words speak louder than his actions.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


17 DEC 1995
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin wants to try a different path. He tells Hobbes change is invigorating. If you don't accept new challenges, you become lazy. Change forces them to experiment and adapt. That's how they learn and grow. As they sail off the edge of the hill, Calvin says there's a fresh challenge. Hobbes admits it's opened up new horizons. Stuck in the snow, Hobbes says new experiences are rarely the ones they choose.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


18 DEC 1995
The Christmas season is always a time for personal reflection. Too often, we don't examine our lives. This is a time to take stock and think about what's important. It's a time to rededicate oneself to frenzied acquisition... a time to spread the joy of material wealth... a time to glorify personal excess of every kind! Earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion. ...a time to atone for one's frugality!
Calvin says the Christmas season is time for personal reflection. It's time to think about what's important. He says it's time to rededicate oneself to acquisition, a time to spread the joy of material wealth, time to glorify excess of every kind. Hobbes says earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


19 DEC 1995
Oh boy, look at all the snow! It must be six inches deep! This will be perfect for sledding or... DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG All right! I'm coming! I'm coming! What the heck is wrong with this planet you sold us?!
Calvin looks out the window to see snow. He thinks it will be perfect sledding weather. The doorbell rings. It's the aliens Calvin sold the planet to for fifty alien tree leaves. They asks what's wrong with the planet he sold.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


20 DEC 1995
Galaxoid and nebular! This cold white glop covers us and freezes our innards! It's snow. You'd better get used to it, 'cause we get it every winter. You did not tell us that this planet's axis would tilt away from the sun. You didn't ask. We paid 50 leaves for this planet! You greatly overcharged us! Yeah well, "let the buyer beware." You are a most dishonorable potentate! We demand you bring this planet up to code!
The aliens complain the cold white glop covers them and freezes their innards. Calvin says it's snow. They get it every winter. The aliens complain Calvin didn't tell them about that. He replies that they didn't ask. They say they were overcharged. Calvin tells them "let the buyer beware". The aliens walk off complaining that he's a dishonorable potentate. They demand he bring the planet up to code.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


21 DEC 1995
Who's at the door, Calvin? AAHH! Um.. uh.. girl scouts! Do we want any cookies? Girl scouts? Cookies? It seems early, but sure, let me get my purse. Oh no! Scram, you guys! Not until you fix the climate! I'll see what I can do. Do not trifle with us, Earth leader! Where are the girl scouts? They suddenly had to go earn a merit badge. Quick, where's Hobbes?
Mom asks who's at the door. Calvin tells her it's the Girl Scouts. He whisks the aliens outside. He tells them he'll see what he can do about fixing the climate. Mom asks where the Girl Scouts went. Calvin says they had to earn a merit badge.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


22 DEC 1995
The aliens didn't know about winter? They claim I sold them a planet with a faulty axis. What should I do? Offer a refund. Give back their leaf collection. Arrggh! I threw it away when it got such a bad grade! Hmm... well, we should at least help them stay warm then. But what could they wear? They don't even have arms! ... they need huge socks or something. HEY! NO! Bad idea! Bad idea!
Calvin tells Hobbes the aliens claim he sold a defective planet. Hobbes suggests offering a refund. Calvin threw away the leaf collection when it got a bad grade. Hobbes thinks they should help them stay warm. Calvin says they don't have arms. They'd need huge socks. Hobbes starts to take down their Christmas stockings from the fireplace. Calvin thinks that's a bad idea.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


23 DEC 1995
Ooh, this is toasty! Thank you, Earth leader! That's my Christmas stocking! They're going away with our stockings! Santa can't fill 'em with loot! I'm sure Santa knows we did a nice thing and he'll work it all out. Hey yeah, I did something GOOD! We're talking jackpot! We're talking multiple trips from the pole to haul it all! Your selflessness is the hope of the season.
Hobbes puts the Christmas stockings on the aliens. They thank the earth leader and leave. Calvin complains Santa can't fill them with loot. Hobbes is sure that Santa knows they did a good thing, and things will work out. Calvin realizes he did do something good. He's thinking jackpot now. Hobbes says Calvin's selflessness is the hope of the season.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


24 DEC 1995
What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
One of Santa's elves wants him to look at Calvin's list. It includes a supplement on incendiary weapons. Santa asks if Calvin's naughty or nice. The elf hands Santa the dossier. Santa notices "the noodle incident". The elf says they have had trouble verifying the particulars of that case. Santa notices all the snowballs Calvin has thrown at Susie. The elf says that surveillance documents 400 incidents. The elf says the tiger vouches for the kid's character. Santa asks for the parents' comments. The elf indicates they're looking into the sarcasm factor. Santa says he's made up his mind and asks if Calvin's asleep. The elf says he is wide awake. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin Santa won't come until they're asleep. Calvin can't take the suspense.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


25 DEC 1995
You say my present from you is outside? It's over here. A pile of ready-made snowballs! I wanted to give you something practical. You're the best, Hobbes, ol' buddy! Thanks! Merry Christmas. I suppose it would be wrong to throw these at YOU... I made my own pile, just in case.
Hobbes' present for Calvin is outside. Hobbes gave him a pile of ready-made snowballs. Calvin hugs Hobbes and says he's the best. He supposes it would be wrong to throw the snowballs at Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he made his own pile, just in case.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


26 DEC 1995
What's this? A generic snowman. I used to make original snowmen, but it was time-consuming, hard work, so I said, heck, this is crazy! Now I crank out crude imitations of what's already popular! It takes no time or thought, and most people don't care about the difference anyway! So cynical, yet so practical. And what good is originality if you can't crack it out?
Calvin makes a generic snowman. He says he used to make original snowmen, but it was hard work. Now he cranks out imitations of what's already popular. It takes no time, and people don't care about the difference. Hobbes says it's so cynical, yet so practical. Calvin asks what's good about originality if you can't crank it out.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


27 DEC 1995
The new issue of chewing tells how to stay in top chewing condition over winter! What's so hard about that? You can chew gum all year. We serious chewers need a lot more than strong jaw muscles, you know! To chew hour after hour, we need a total cross-training fitness regime! So the idea is to increase the amount of this hobby you can endure. Right. When you're good at it, it's really miserable.
Calvin shows Hobbes the latest issue of "Chewing" magazine. It tells how to stay in condition over the winter. Hobbes asks what's so hard about that. You can chew gum all year. Calvin informs him that serious chewers need more than strong jaw muscles. They need a total cross-training fitness regime. Hobbes clarifies the idea is to increase the amount of the hobby you can endure. Calvin agrees. He says when you're good at it, it's really miserable.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


28 DEC 1995
Sometimes at night I worry about things and then I can't fall asleep. In the dark, it's easier to imagine awful possibilities that you'd never be prepared for. And it's hard to feel couragious in loose-fitting, drowsy bear jammies. That's why tigers sleep in the buff!
In bed, Calvin clutches his blanket. He says sometimes at night, he worries about things and can't fall asleep. In the dark, it's easier to imagine awful possibilities you'd never be prepared for. He says it's hard to feel courageous in loose-fitting, drowsy bear jammies. Hobbes says that's why tigers sleep in the buff.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


29 DEC 1995
See my snowman? He's enjoying the snow cone! There's nothing he likes better! And the snowman with the ice cream scoop in his back? It's a sordid story.
Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman, enjoying a snow cone. Hobbes asks about the other snowman, lying on the ground, with an ice cream scoop stuck in his back with several scoops taken out. Calvin says it's a sordid story.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


30 DEC 1995
Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Yeah, I'm resolving to just wing it and see what happens. So you're staying the course? I stick to my strengths.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he's going to make any New Year's resolutions. Calvin says he's resolving to wing it and see what happens. Hobbes says Calvin's staying the course. Calvin says he sticks to his strengths.
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


31 DEC 1995
Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!
Wading through the snow, Calvin says it really snowed last night. He asks Hobbes if it isn't beautiful. Hobbes says everything familiar has disappeared. The world looks brand-new. Calvin says it's a new year, a fresh, clean start. Hobbes thinks it's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on. Calvin says it's a day full of possibilities. They hop on the toboggan. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a magical world. Down they go. Calvin says "let's go exploring".
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It\The Complete Calvin and Hobbes


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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.