Your search found 84 comics:04 DEC 1985 Script Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak! She's cute, isn't she?? Go away.
Description Calvin sees the new girl coming and yells a question asking if that's Susie Derkins' face or if a possum is stuck in her collar. He then yells that she should have a debilitating brain aneurysm. Hobbes says she's cute, to which Calvin wants Hobbes to go away.
Appears In 14 FEB 1986 Script Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
Description Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.
Appears In 16 FEB 1986 Script Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Description Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.
Appears In 01 JUNE 1986 Script What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Description Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.
Appears In 30 JUNE 1986 Script What's all the rukus?! You're supposed to be asleep! And what's with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
Description Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.
Appears In 30 JULY 1986 Script Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
Description Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.
Appears In 28 SEPT 1986 Script Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Description The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.
Appears In 26 OCT 1986 Script ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing a game of flag capture. Calvin complains to Hobbes that he put the flag too high in the tree. Hobbes informs Calvin that isn't a rule, so Calvin makes it a rule. Hobbes tags Calvin and tells him to go to jail. Calvin's argument that he had a time out falls on deaf ears. Calvin declares another new rule about automatic time outs when discussing rules. Hobbes calls time in and tags Calvin. Calvin tells him he can't do that, and they need to call time in at the same time. Hobbes accuses Calvin of continually changing the rules so he can win. Calvin retorts that he's doing it so Hobbes can't cheat. They call each other cheater and muffin head. They fight. As they stand in the laundry room covered in dirt, Calvin says Mom suggests taking up playing Monopoly. Hobbes, peeking out from the washing machine, says he knows all about the "interest-free bank loans" Calvin makes to himself.
Appears In 09 JAN 1987 Script Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
Description Calvin sits on the top of the snowy hill on his sled. He's thinking that it's okay to go down the hill, he'll miss the trees. He'll stop before he goes over the ledge at the bottom. He won't go into the ice-covered pond. Besides, the ice is probably really thick. Calvin says his brain is trying to kill him.
Appears In 12 JAN 1987 Script I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Goodness, why'd you do that? I dunno, I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.
Appears In 19 APR 1987 Script How come you don't put on any pajamas? Fact is, I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then, good night. Good night. Move over, will ya? I'm already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! You're on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face!
Description Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.
Appears In 21 APR 1987 Script What's the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well, I saw this movie where they kept this guy's brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. That's informative. Unfortunately for my report, Mom caught me, and I didn't get to see how it ended.
Description Hobbes asks the subject of Calvin's report. Calvin replies "the brain". Hobbes asks what Calvin knows about brains. Calvin tells him he saw a movie where a guy's brain was kept alive in a tank of water. A power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Hobbes says that's informative. Calvin laments that unfortunately for his report, Mom caught him and he didn't get to see how it ended.
Appears In 22 APR 1987 Script I've got to give my report on "The Brain" at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesn't that look like brains? Well, I guess I'm all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary. I'll do it on the bus.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.
Appears In 23 APR 1987 Script My five-minute report on "The Brain." Of course it's difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes, but to begin, the brain is part of the central nervous system. I'll pause for a few moments, so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin!
Description Calvin is in front of his class starting his report. He explains it will be difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in five minutes, but he starts with saying it's a part of the central nervous system. He looks at his wrist watch, then says he'll wait a few moments so they can finish writing that down. The teacher yells his name.
Appears In 14 MAY 1987 Script This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. You'll love it. It's kind of "new wave". New wave? Like how? Well, sort of "punk" actually. Like a mohawk? In some places it's sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know what's the rage this year? ... hats.
Description Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.
Appears In 21 MAY 1987 Script Well, your hair doesn't stick up the way it used to, but at least your head's yellow again. Thanks, Hobbes. you're a real life saver. I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy, wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on, just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok?
Description Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on.
Appears In 13 JUNE 1987 Script Boy, I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ...
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree in the woods. Calvin says he loves summer vacation. He tells Hobbes he feels his brain starting to atrophy already.
Appears In 06 JULY 1987 Script Z. Z. Z. Tag! The game's over tuna brain.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin is sleeping. Hobbes looks over and touches Calvin on the head, saying "Tag". Calvin tells Hobbes the game is over and calls him tuna brain.
Appears In 16 JULY 1987 Script Listen up, yogurt brain. Here's our strategy: I'll go around the house this way, and you go around the other way. I'll draw Susie's fire, and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok, let's go! Thanks for the water balloon, Hobbes, you're a great double agent!
Description Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.
Appears In 23 AUG 1987 Script Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum, he breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy, Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering one's mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas, it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin, the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! He's saved! It's a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh, he does, Mom, he does.
Description Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin "God bless you". Calvin replies "He does".
Appears In 31 AUG 1987 Script Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.
Description Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with "time machine" written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does "to the inattentive, brainless layman". He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine.
Appears In 09 SEPT 1987 Script Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!
Description They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.
Appears In 27 SEPT 1987 Script Hobbes, you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head, where are you?? ... I didn't mean that quite the way the sounded. C'mon Calvin, get back inside it's too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I can't leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well, maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson, huh? I thought he'd come back by himself. I didn't think he'd get lost! We'll look for him tomorrow, now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope he's ok. If he hadn't been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish he'd come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kid's pretty upset. I'll bet. I mean, he's really upset. I said I'll bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ...
Description Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.
Appears In 23 OCT 1987 Script Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub!
Description Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.
Appears In 17 NOV 1987 Script I'm home. I read that tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca.
Description Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca.
Appears In 22 DEC 1987 Script Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults!
Description Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a "bad" list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the "bad" list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the "bad" list...insults.
Appears In 29 JAN 1988 Script Look, bird brain, you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ... well, what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate.
Description Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate.
Appears In 09 FEB 1988 Script How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit, and turns the object into whatever you want. That's amazing. Well, it took me all morning to invent. So say I'm thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where you're pointing that! Watch where you're pointing that!
Description Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.
Appears In 28 MAR 1988 Script Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible, Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! He's ... he's alive! Well, look who's up and about. Hello, sleepyhead.
Description Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.
Appears In 10 AUG 1988 Script Aren't you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
Description Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.
Appears In 05 NOV 1988 Script Want to go play outside? No. I'm watching TV. You hate this show. Let's go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So you're going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
Description Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.
Appears In 28 MAY 1989 Script Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh, what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?
Description Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that.
Appears In 16 JULY 1989 Script FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
Description Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.
Appears In 01 AUG 1989 Script You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up.
Appears In 15 SEPT 1989 Script OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
Description Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.
Appears In 08 OCT 1989 Script Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.
Appears In 22 OCT 1989 Script Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z
Description Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day.
Appears In 19 NOV 1989 Script While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add, so ask some other kid.
Description Calvin gets dressed and walks out the door. He trips on a rock and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes out the door, and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He hears Mom call to him, asking if he's getting up.
Appears In 07 DEC 1989 Script Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
Description Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A couple voices say of course not, come see for himself. Calvin says he's not going to fall for that. He asks who he's talking to if there are no monsters. After some hesitation, the voices say they're dust balls. Calvin says they're all teeth and digestive tract, no brains at all.
Appears In 30 DEC 1989 Script A new decade is coming up. Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade? You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Frankly, Im not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've GOT. I mean, look at this! We still have WEATHER?! Give me a break!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking across the snow covered field. Hobbes says a new decade is coming up. Calvin says big deal. Calvin asks where are the flying cars, the moon colonies, the personal robots, and zero gravity boots. He scoffs that this is the future. He asks where are the rocket packs, disintegration rays, and floating cities. Hobbes isn't so sure people have the brains to manage the technology they have.
Appears In 06 JAN 1990 Script While I'M doing this brain surgery, YOU can make a donor and do a heart transplant! Forget it, Calvin. I'm not playing with you any more.
Description Calvin has built a snowman that lies on the ground. Calvin has a saw in his hand, taking the top of the snowman off. Calvin tells Susie that while he's doing the brain surgery, she can build a donor and do a heart transplant. Susie walks off saying forget it. She's not going to play with him any more.
Appears In 08 APR 1990 Script HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your Mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless, the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation short circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. THAT'S love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to ME once, but I figured it was COOTIES!!
Description Spaceman Spiff lands on Planet Gorzarg-5. He sets off across the desolate terrain in search of help. In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali. The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb. A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero. Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise. Our hero is trapped. How could things get worse? Calvin is leaning across the bathtub as Mom tells him to just get in.
Appears In 22 APR 1990 Script Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Description Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.
Appears In 24 JUNE 1990 Script What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are tumbling, drawing pictures, chasing a frog, in their treehouse, playing baseball, reading comic books, swinging, playing treasure hunt, and playing in the sandbox. Mom asks Calvin to empty a bag into the garage trash can. Calvin complains some vacation this summer is.
Appears In 16 SEPT 1990 Script Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Description Calvin tells Susie his sandwich wiggled. He says there's a slug in his peanut butter. The sandwich attacks him. The peanut butter itself is alive. He has his sandwich on his face. He says it's going to suck out his eyeballs. Susie looks away, sickened. Calvin pulls the sandwich off and drowns it in chocolate milk. With his face covered in peanut butter and chocolate milk, he tells Susie Mom will be disappointed her little plot failed. Susie says she's never seen anything so revolting and asks what's wrong with him. She walks away, saying she's eating somewhere else. Calvin says girls are so weird.
Appears In 07 OCT 1990 Script ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Description Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster.
Appears In 27 OCT 1990 Script I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am. I've got more brains than I know what to do with. So I've noticed. Woo hoo hoo
Description Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't believe how smart he is. Calvin says he has more brains than he knows what to do with. Hobbes says he's noticed, and walks along whistling. Calvin catches on and starts chasing Hobbes.
Appears In 25 NOV 1990 Script Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
Description There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them.
Appears In 13 JAN 1991 Script Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
Description Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces.
Appears In 10 FEB 1991 Script ... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later, Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee, what fun! I'm glad you could come home so early! C'mon ol' buddy! Let's go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!
Description In rhyme, Calvin is lying in the snow, making an angel. He sees a UFO. The aliens snag Calvin with a hook on his overcoat and hoist him aboard. He tries to fight away, but it's no use. The tie him up and wired his cranium to a suction cup. Current courses across his cerebellum, coaxing things from his brain tissue he wouldn't tell them. All the math he ever learned were removed in this operation. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood his escape was an adventure, but suffice to say, he cannot add, so she should ask some other kid.
Appears In 02 MAR 1991 Script I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh?
Description Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.
Appears In 25 SEPT 1991 Script Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
Description
Appears In 24 JAN 1992 Script Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
Description
Appears In 23 APR 1992 Script Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Description Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Appears In 27 APR 1992 Script Hey Mom, can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey, celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? You're fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead.
Description Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead.
Appears In 13 JULY 1992 Script I let my mind wander a bit and it didn't come back. I figured you'd lost your mind years ago.
Description Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago.
Appears In 07 AUG 1992 Script Oh greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
Description Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled.
Appears In 15 OCT 1992 Script I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
Description Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting.
Appears In 07 NOV 1992 Script I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be "C". Next is 1. So that's "A". This is fun! Hey! This says, "Calvin is a porridge brain!" It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
Description Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.
Appears In 09 NOV 1992 Script Ooh, this burns me up! A coded message saying "Calvin is a porridge brain!" The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing, the cut and pasted letters, the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh, I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you, Calvin! How nice to get so much mail.
Description Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter.
Appears In 23 FEB 1993 Script Why won't you tell me what's in that bag? It's a severed head. It is NOT! Don't be disgusting! Fine. Don't believe me. You said it would come in handy during today's test. The head is an oracle. I'll put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I don't even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
Description Susie asks what's in the bag. Calvin says it's a severed head. She asks why that would come in handy for the test. Calvin explains the head is an oracle. It will tell him the answers. Susie walks off as Calvin moans "Susie is a booger brain". Calvin says it speaks the truth.
Appears In 09 MAR 1993 Script ATCHOOO! Uh oh. I'm leaking brain lubricant.
Description Calvin sneezes, then looks at the tissue. He says he's leaking brain lubricant.
Appears In 26 MAY 1993 Script You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me.
Description Calvin sits behind a box reading "Candid Opinions". Susie walks by, and Calvin calls her a bug-eyed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt. Lying on his smashed box, Calvin suggests volunteer social work isn't for him.
Appears In 10 OCT 1993 Script Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Description A pile of leaves rises up and chases Calvin. It catches up to him and crashes down on him. Calvin digs his way out. Dad sees the pile of leaves lying all scattered and raises his hands in protest. Calvin raises his hands in protest that he didn't do it.
Appears In 18 NOV 1993 Script We'll use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next we'll need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? It's like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think you're too late. We'll also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
Description Calvin uses a colander as a thinking cap. Its metal surface will conduct brain waves. Hobbes attaches input and output strings, and a grounding string. Hobbes asks why a grounding string. Calvin replies he wants to keep his ideas grounded in reality. Hobbes thinks he's too late. Calvin says they also must build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
Appears In 20 NOV 1993 Script What happened to your head?? Evidently, an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats don't fit, will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
Description Calvin says a consequence of his cerebral augmentation is that his brain swelled. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's hats. Calvin says his brain is unraveling all the mysteries of the universe. He says natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin says his powerful brain is bored with such simple problems. He's now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
Appears In 22 NOV 1993 Script Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain, you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN, DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the dilemma. I know! We'll wrap my head in this bedsheet! THAT will allay any suspicion! Your powerful brain must know something I don't.
Description Since Calvin's brain has enlarged, Hobbes thinks he can write his paper now. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes wonders what will happen when Calvin's parents see his head. Calvin's powerful brain finds an answer. He'll wrap his head in a bedsheet. Hobbes thinks Calvin's powerful brain knows something he doesn't.
Appears In 24 NOV 1993 Script I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I don't need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK, let's get down to business. I'll apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... How's it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was.
Description Calvin brings some fish to Hobbes. Calvin doesn't need brain food with his enlarged brain. He applies his brain to the homework problem. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin says he just remembered what the assignment was.
Appears In 25 NOV 1993 Script My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. I'll write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely. How come? They're SO much cooler that way.
Description Calvin comes up with a topic for his paper. He'll debate whether tyrannosaurs were predators or scavengers. Hobbes asks which side he'll defend. Calvin tells Hobbes he believes they were predators. They're so much cooler that way.
Appears In 27 NOV 1993 Script Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you haven't written your paper yet. Oh, that's the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. It'll be a breeze. For once I'm GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN, TIME FOR BED.
Description Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed.
Appears In 28 NOV 1993 Script This sculpture will be called "The spirit of compromise". We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise.
Description A robot doctor looks at Calvin. It slices his head open to look at the brain. The doctor puts more brains into Calvin's skull. The robot doctor asks how Calvin feels. Calvin says "smart". The doctor says the knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll need. Calvin walks out of the office needing no more school. The robot doctor says to go home and have 12 years of fun. Calvin sighs as he gets onto the school bus.
Appears In 30 NOV 1993 Script You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Description Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Appears In 04 FEB 1994 Script Stop repeating everything I say.Stop repeating everything I say.Quit it. Quit it. I'm an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains! At least you have the courage to admit it. Sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
Description Hobbes tells Calvin to stop repeating what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to quit it. Calvin again repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says he's an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains. Calvin says at least he has the courage to admit it. Pounded into the ground, Calvin says sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
Appears In 25 FEB 1994 Script I bet I can knock Dad's hat off with this snowball. I bet you can't/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. You're on, fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy, five inches higher would've done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2,500 so far.
Description Calvin bets he can knock Dad's hat off with a snowball. Hobbes bets a hundred dollars he can't. Calvin tosses the snowball. In bed later, Calvin grumbles that five inches higher would have done it. He says Hobbes always gets him in trouble. Hobbes reminds Calvin he owes him $2500 so far.
Appears In 09 AUG 1994 Script You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
Description
Appears In 15 DEC 1994 Script Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
Description
Appears In 03 FEB 1995 Script Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked!
Description Hobbes is lying on the ground. Calvin says a poem about a tiger sprawling in the sun, his day done. It was warmth he sought, the sun making his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked, his brain is now completely cooked. Calvin laughs and walks off. Hobbes crouches, ready to pounce.
Appears In 05 FEB 1995 Script Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Description Calvin sees a door he doesn't remember. Something looking like Mom opens the door and gives Calvin some breakfast. He retreats, saying it's not his Mom. It says it is and says to eat his oatmeal. Calvin says this isn't his house, and she's not his Mom. He looks out the window to see a cage. He's in a lab, with giant aliens. One has a puppet of Mom on his hand. Calvin says they're trying to get him to imprint on his own species before they return him to the wild. The aliens complain about a loss of their funding since Calvin is on to them. Calvin wakes up. At breakfast, Mom gives him some oatmeal. He demands she prove she's his Mom.
Appears In 20 FEB 1995 Script With sheer brain power, I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that, I'll walk!
Description Calvin sits on his sled. He says with sheer brain power, he will force the sled to carry him up the hill. He sits there, arms crossed. He continues to sit. Finally, he pulls the sled up the hill, saying that until he decides to do that, he'll walk.
Appears In 22 FEB 1995 Script I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Description Smiling, Calvin says he likes homework. As he starts to do it, he says he doesn't want to go outside. He wants to do math problems. BLEHHH! Calvin hangs his tongue out. He says his brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Appears In 21 MAY 1995 Script What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Description Calvin gets out of bed. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin tells the malevolent, murderous moron to leave him alone. Hobbes tosses him into the air and says it's morning. Now they can do stuff again. Hobbes runs off. Calvin chases him saying it's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.
Appears In 17 SEPT 1995 Script Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
Description Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first.
Appears In 15 OCT 1995 Script ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Description Hobbes loves the fall. He likes the cool days, the smell of leaves, the colors. Calvin says autumn is melancholy. Summer is over in a week or two, and things will hunker down for a long winter. Nothing lasts. He says fall is a last fling before things get worse. Hobbes asks if they' appreciate how precious things are if they lasted forever. Calvin likes to have everything so good, so he can take it all for granted.
Appears In 08 NOV 1995 Script As a genius, it's important that I write a lot of letters. After all, my correspondence will be the basic resource material for historians to reconstruct my life. My writing will provide countless fascinating insights for biographers. Such as how all your salutations begin, "Hey boogerbrain". It's been three weeks and I still haven't received my X-Ray glasses!
Description As a genius, Calvin says it's important he write a lot of letters. He tells Hobbes his correspondence will be resource material for historians to reconstruct his life. He says his writings will provide fascinating insights for biographers. Hobbes notices how all his salutations begin "Hey, boogerbrain". Calvin complains that it's been three weeks, and he still hasn't received his x-ray glasses.
Appears In
Calvin & Hobbes : Copyright & All Rights Reserved by Bill Watterson and Andrews McMeel Universal
Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine by
Michael "Bing" Yingling
Script from
S. Anand –
Dates from
Wikipedia –
Font by
Martijn Reemst
This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.