Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.

What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!

I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.

The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger, searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Don't be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you, will you please?

Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.

With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.

Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!

Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.

Here's a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. You're kind of fuzzy! Ok, make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Let's see! Let's see! It's developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! It's great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Let's take some more! That's it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Aren't they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film?

This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator, and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room, just write it on the side.

I'm going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! It's not a tree at all! It's a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly, promising himself that he'll never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime, the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! What's that on my plate?! Good heavens, get it off the table!! But Mom, frogs are our friends!

One of nature's uglier creatures, the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud, high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeak's echo! Changes in the echo's pitch reveal the doomed bug's direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin, sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.

It has been very buggy week, has it? You're really reaching, Dad.

Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!

Ok, let's test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl, so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. I'll terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. What's a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No, no! it's a big flying dinosaur! Don't shoot me if you don't know what it is!!

Ahh! Lunch, my favorite meal! And today's lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm I've been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. I'll call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me, Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?

Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures, few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect, Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down, Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! You're making me sick!

So where are we going? I sure hope we're not camping again this year? Well, we are. Oh, no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat, is NOT my idea of a good time! That's why we brought bug spray. Look, just let me out here, OK? I'll hitch home and see you when you get back, all right?

Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing, Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss, when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is, Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen, and sure enough, he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens, Dad! Big, evil, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it, and made me swear not to tell!

So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.

Oh my gosh, that rock moved! There's something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! It's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster! You're right! There's a tentacle now! It's coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH

Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.

What are you so mad about anyway? Couldn't you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey, where IS your insect collection? It's due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No, that's not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??

Don't just stand there, Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You can't do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it, anyway? It's all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Don't you pay attention?! Don't you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth, can I have them?

Here comes the bus, Calvin. It's hopeless. There's a bug! You're wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didn't spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. We're supposed to have 50 insects. You'll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!

Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I can't believe you're doing this. Hey, ask that kid if he's got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin, there's no way you're going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well, maybe you're right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? I'll give you a quarter... or here, 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!

Hey, here's a worm! Worms are bugs, aren't they? Eww gross, Calvin! That's been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesn't start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute, I'll get an "A"on my collection. See, I'm off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! You're out of your mind. Here's another already. That's a little ball of lint! Like I'm sure the teacher's going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids' collections!

RINNGGGG There's the bell. We've got to go to class. Rats. I didn't get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Well, if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds, maybe you'll get an "F+". We've got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually, I don't think there's any way you'll get an "F+". For all this work, I'd better at least get a "D".

How did you mount your insects, Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I don't have a box or pins. I guess I'll just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesn't work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way you're going, maybe you'd prefer a stapler.

Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teacher's not looking. Shhh! We're not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation, Miss Derkins? Perhaps you'd like to sit up front, so you won't distract Calvin any more? Oh, I TRIED to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.

Look, Calvin, I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No, jelly doughnuts gross me out. They're like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin.

Ta da! We're here! Good ol' itchy island". Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. ... if all this character doesn't kill me first. That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.

Ooh, these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Don't scratch the bites or you'll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? It's driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!

OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV.

Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!

What am I going to do about this report on bats? You've got to help me, Hobbes! OK, ... um, first let's make a list of what we know. Yeah! That's a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? They're bugs, aren't they? Yeah, put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly, right? They're ugly and hairy, right? C'mon, this is taking all day!

Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. "Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies." Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS!

My report is on bats. ...ahem... "Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation, you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto..." BATS AREN'T BUGS!! Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin, I'd like to see you a moment.

What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.

Hey Mom, did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well, tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here, you may want these. Well, heh heh, gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid, you're next.

KA ZAM! What?

Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued.

Ooh, I itch! This is worse than bug bites! Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy! COOL!

Hello? Hi Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy, I don't think you've EVER invited me to... Calvin, what are you doing? Nothing, Mom. Go away. You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?

It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!

Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

Herewith, a field report filed from head scout Calvin! What news, scout? The enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down, Mr President. The enemy? Susie Derkins, an acknowledged GIRL! I recommend we establish a strike force? Its objective? To bug her! Sounds risky. Men, any volunteers?

Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.

Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.

... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later, Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee, what fun! I'm glad you could come home so early! C'mon ol' buddy! Let's go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!

You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.

MOMMM What's the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? IT'S 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it, I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. I'll be that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.

Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still, he gets into the cookies, spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes, he's a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted.

What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!

Ooh, these bug bites itch! But I won't scratch! It's mind over matter. I deny I itch! Aaaahh Oh man, it was worth it.

I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.

With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.

Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!

SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house.

Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.

That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!

Who ees thees Kahlveen?

What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL!

Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don't get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww, gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you, Hobbes, it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.

Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.

Run for your life! There's a million angry hornets coming! They're insane with rage! They'll sting anyone in their path! Lousy bugs! What are they made about? I've been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. A REAL FRIEND WOULDN'T TAKE THEIR SIDE!!

AHHHHHHH. HUHHNNNGH. KAWUNCH!

What's with the umbrella and backpack? My motto is "Be Prepared". Prepared for what? One never knows. I've got a dart gun, five comic books, some gum, a wrench, a book on bugs, a map of Montana, an eraser, and a rock. Gee, EVERYone should carry a kit like this. The umbrella doubles as a parachute.

Do you hate being a girl? It's gotta be better than the alternative. What's it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I must've put my finger on it.

Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...

Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.

I hate it when it's this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when I'm talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! It's so rude! Why do they think I'm talking?! It's so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation, it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot.

A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about "excessively negative people"? Yeah, that's a good one. ...HEY!

You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me.

Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, Oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh, look at the spider suck out that bug's juices!

Another day, another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and I've got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like I'm always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. I'd sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic, no schedule, no phone calls... boy, that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin, read a book, go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldn't end if I didn't go into the office today. Days like this don't come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!

My elbows are grass-stained, I've got sticks in my hair, I'm covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... I've got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt, my hands are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I'm hot, dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it!

Here's a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way, and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back, and he rights himself and continues on his way. He's focused, determined, and steadfast. If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him.

Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin.

The days are getting colder. Yes. BUGS ARE DYING BY THE TRUCKLOAD! HA HA HA! GOOD RIDDANCE TO 'EM ALL! I like fall.

Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!

Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "What's wrong with this idiout?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Maybe they're not very self-aware. Boy, that's ANOTHER thing that gets on my nerves!

Ewww, look! This bug is eating another bug! Yukkk! Blecchh! Gross! Ick! Ick! Blbpbblpth! I can't believe I looked at that! Ew! Ew! Hacckkhh! Gaaacck! Great experiences are even better when they're shared.

BLOGG! Ukh huggablukk Spiff! Spiff?! Blecckh blecckh! We join our here, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he flees the awful bug beings of Zartron-9! Spiff's only chance is a daring strategy of head-to-head combat! Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death-ray blaster! ..tum te tum tum... I wish this booted up faster. C'mon, c'mon. There we go. Let's see. Get the "file" icon... double click on "blaster"... Hmm, pull down "settings"... get the dialog box... click on "rays"... select "death"... hit "OK". Hey, what's the matter? Why didn't my screen change?! Hit "F1" for "help"... "About blasters"... nope... "Calibrating blasters"... nope... " "charging the fizzler"... no... "fizzling the charger"... no... "incineration guidelines"... oh, this is annoying! Oh wait, I didn't enter the number of volts! That's it! Type in "gazillion", hit "OK". What?! "Invalid setting". DARN! Go back to "volts", highlight "gazillion", press "Delete", type in... KRAKK. SPIFF IS HIT! HE'S GOING DOWN! Hey, why won't this boot up? Has somebody been playing with this thing?! The whole thing went down, Dad. Luckily I jumped clear at the last second.

Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

See any weirdness yet? How about this rock? It has a purple stripe. Hmm... I guess that's a LITTLE weird. We'll look for something weirder. What do you think of this stick? It's a strange stick, but not a weird stick. It's too bad there aren't any good bugs out now. Yes, bugs are usually weird. Hey, here's a bird feather. It's pretty. But it's not weird. A bald bird would be weird. I don't see one. Look! A ripped-up old kite! Some kid must have lost this last summer! Phooey. The string broke here. I was hoping we'd find the kid's skeleton up a tree at the other end. THAT would be weird. Well, let's go in. I'm cold. Me too. I guess some days weirdness is hard to find. My glasses are fogged and I can't blow my nose, but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age! Weirdness always starts at home. Even when you look for it, you're never prepared for it.

This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.

Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.

On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.

Watcha doin'? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah, but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs.

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Nobody ever pays me a penny for my thoughts.

Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time!

It's hot, it's humid, it's buggy, there's no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. But it's SUMMER!

Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.

Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around, the high-pitched noise they make, their pesky size... everything about them is annoying! ... said the hyperactive, whiny, small child.

Vampire bugs! Run for your life! They're called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood, you don't turn into one?

Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.

I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.

Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.