Your search found 65 comics:27 NOV 1985 Script Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings, a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare winds through this happy municipality. Here, a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically, this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover dam...
Description Calvin is in the sandbox. He sees the bustling city with new buildings. He describes the farmer going to market. Calvin then fills up a bucket with water. He then mentions that the serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover Dam.
Appears In 02 FEB 1986 Script What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Description Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.
Appears In 17 APR 1986 Script If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Appears In 15 JUNE 1986 Script We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
Description Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.
Appears In 08 JULY 1986 Script There's a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? That's all we've eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers! I'm sick of hamburgers! We're eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Here's a hamburger joint! Are you happy?!
Description Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.
Appears In 11 JULY 1986 Script Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am I'm back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The day's hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... I've seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isn't there any TV up here? I hate this place.
Description Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.
Appears In 04 JAN 1987 Script What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Description Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.
Appears In 19 JAN 1987 Script Hey, Hobbes, you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out, you lunatic! Don't get huffy. I want to savor this.
Description Calvin comes in with a couple envelopes and says one is for Hobbes. Hobbes is so happy, since he never gets letters. He looks at the envelope wondering who could have sent it and what could it be. Calvin yells for him to open it and calls him a lunatic. Hobbes tells him not to get huffy and that he wants to savor this.
Appears In 27 JAN 1987 Script Hi, Susie. Happy birthday! Hello, Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh, look at your stuffed tiger! He's wearing a tie! He's just adorable! Ok, you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. C'mon in.
Description Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.
Appears In 25 FEB 1987 Script The bus is going to be here any minute. You're sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. You're not kidding me, are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... "Astro boy." All right! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!
Description Calvin asks Hobbes if he's sure he's fixed his hair so it looks okay. Hobbes says it looks great. Calvin doesn't believe him. Hobbes tells him to trust him and that he looks like "Astro Boy". Calvin is happy with that and now can't wait to get his picture taken.
Appears In 11 MAR 1987 Script Well, I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. We'll keep him in the garage, and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are, I'll be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin, you don't even know what we're having.
Description Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.
Appears In 16 MAR 1987 Script This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world.
Description Calvin shows Hobbes where Dad buried the raccoon. Calvin says he didn't even know the raccoon existed a few days ago, now he's gone forever. He says it's like he met the raccoon for no reason. As soon as he said hello, he had to say good-bye. As Calvin sniffles, he says that in a sad, awful, terrible way, he is glad he met the raccoon. As they walk over the hill, Calvin says "What a stupid world".
Appears In 19 MAY 1987 Script Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.
Appears In 10 JULY 1987 Script What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.
Appears In 01 AUG 1987 Script Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business, unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware, that is, until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh!
Description Calvin is playing on the beach. He builds a proud city, full of prosperous citizens. Calvin says they're unaware the moon has moved a few miles closer to the earth. They're unaware until the tide comes in. A big wave comes in and crashes into the sand city.
Appears In 29 SEPT 1987 Script Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? It's almost midnight. Yeah, I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh, honey, thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. He'd better be, or tomorrow I'll leave him in the woods. C'mon we'll put Hobbes in Calvin's bed so he'll see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night, I'm going to bed.
Description Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.
Appears In 04 DEC 1987 Script Hobbes, I'm not kidding. If you don't get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this, Mr Houdini, not me. But I'm supposed to be at dinner! Mom's gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey, here's morse code! Ok, I'm sorry I called you names. I said I'm sorry, right? Now untie me. Here's how you say "banana" in morse. Dash dot dot dot, dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well, his dinner is stone cold. I hope he's happy.
Description Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.
Appears In 17 FEB 1988 Script Hi, mom, I'm an owl. You don't look like a very happy owl. Nope. I'm not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I don't like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I don't like mice. I heard you. It's tomato.
Description Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.
Appears In 20 OCT 1988 Script I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that don't really matter? Like the book report you're supposed to be writing now on the book you haven't read? Exactly. Case in point.
Description Calvin thinks people worry too much about little things. He says all they do is make themselves unhappy that way. He asks Hobbes why get an ulcer over things that don't matter. Hobbes asks if he means things like the book report he's supposed to be writing now on the book he hasn't read. Calvin tells him "Exactly. Case in point".
Appears In 21 DEC 1988 Script Read me "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else?
Description Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.
Appears In 13 MAR 1989 Script Can you believe this? I've got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am, an engineer? Look, I've got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I can't do this! Here, let me try. No! Get away! I'LL do it! You'd probably goof it all up, or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!
Description Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.
Appears In 14 MAY 1989 Script Dear Mom, How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom, wake up! I made you a Mother's Day card! Why, how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all." "Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it. Now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?" I'm deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance?
Description Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.
Appears In 16 NOV 1989 Script Mom and Dad won't be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight, and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then I'll have to hold my plate upside-down above my head and scrape the food off the underside! And if I spill anything, it will fly 10 feet up to the floor and splot! This is going to be the most fun I've ever had!
Description Calvin knows Mom and Dad won't be happy about things. Dad will have to bolt his bed to the ceiling, and Mom will have to stand on a step ladder to serve dinner. He'll have to hold the plate upside down and scrape the food off the underside. If he spills anything, it will fall ten feet to the floor. He says this will be the most fun he's ever had.
Appears In 30 JAN 1990 Script So long, duplicates! What do you mean? We're not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well, I didn't want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Let's go gross someone out!
Description Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy.
Appears In 31 JAN 1990 Script Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?
Description Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.
Appears In 25 MAR 1990 Script What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Description Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.
Appears In 06 APR 1990 Script With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
Description Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.
Appears In 20 JUNE 1990 Script I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
Description Grumpily, Calvin says he's missed half his show. He hopes Mom and Dad are happy. Dad says he shouldn't be planning his life around the TV anyway. Dad says he doesn't think it's too much to ask that they sit together 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. The phone rings, and Mom goes to get it. She says she's expecting a call. Calvin tells Dad to go ahead. He thinks Dad was saying something funny. Dad says he has all these great genes, but they're all recessive. That's the problem here.
Appears In 09 SEPT 1990 Script Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Description Susie gives Calvin an invitation to a milk and cookie party. Calvin declines. He wouldn't attend if she paid him. Susie doesn't care and walks off. She calls Calvin a jerk and says she went to all the trouble to set up the table and chairs. She says to Mr. Bun they can have a nice party by themselves. Calvin happily tells Hobbes they showed her. Hobbes wonders what kind of cookies they were. Calvin and Hobbes go to the party. Susie is happy. Calvin says they don't attend parties, they crash them.
Appears In 11 OCT 1990 Script Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
Description Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat.
Appears In 24 NOV 1990 Script Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks tigers go to the same heaven people go to. Calvin says in heaven, people are supposed to be happy. But people couldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers. Calvin doesn't think heaven would be nice without tigers, either. He wouldn't be happy without tigers. He'd miss them. Calvin wonders if maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. Hobbes says but then they wouldn't be happy.
Appears In 21 DEC 1990 Script Plotting to hit me with a slushball, eh? Well, HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her, it's justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. It's your big chance... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD!
Description Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good.
Appears In 05 APR 1991 Script You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's noticed that things don't bug you if you don't think about them. He says he's not going to think about anything he doesn't like, and he'll be happy all the time. Hobbes asks if that isn't a silly and irresponsible way to live. Calvin looks at the sky and says "What a pretty afternoon".
Appears In 16 APR 1991 Script Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??
Description On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square.
Appears In 01 AUG 1991 Script If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Description
Appears In 29 DEC 1991 Script Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits. What's wrong with that? It's not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! That's why I'll be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what I hate about them and how they should change. Some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Sorry. MY New Year's resolution is not to change a bit.
Description
Appears In 29 MAR 1992 Script That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
Description Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.
Appears In 19 APR 1992 Script Whatcha doin'? Getting rich! Really? Yep. I'm writing a self-help book! There's a huge market for this stuff. First, you convince people there's something wrong with them. That's easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight, looks, social status, sex appeal, and so on. Next, you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that they're victims of larger forces. That's easy, because it's what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally, you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement, they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called "Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself." You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works, I won't be able to write a sequel.
Description Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
Appears In 23 APR 1992 Script Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Description Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Appears In 02 AUG 1992 Script Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
Description Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.
Appears In 01 OCT 1992 Script No text
Description Calvin catches a fly in the house. He opens the door to let it out. Three more fly in. Calvin is happy for his good deed.
Appears In 04 OCT 1992 Script Boy, it's cold out! It's a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isn't working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow.
Description Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says "click" and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes.
Appears In 08 OCT 1992 Script Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right?
Description Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives.
Appears In 27 DEC 1992 Script Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy, but at least it's familiar. I hate change! It's too disruptive! When things are difference, you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same, so I can take everything for granted! Besides, things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live, the more complicated everything gets! I say let's stop here before life gets any harder! From now on, no more change! I'm bored. Let's do something different. SOME things don't change.
Description Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit.
Appears In 30 DEC 1992 Script Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface, and I'll fill it full of nails! Um, no... You sure? I've got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! I'd be happy to do it! No thanks, not today. OK, well, let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed?
Description Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it.
Appears In 11 JAN 1993 Script This snowman doesn't look very happy. He's not. He knows it's just a matter of time before he melts. The sun, ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. He's about to buy a big screen TV.
Description Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV.
Appears In 29 JAN 1993 Script What are you doing? Don't wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been, I thought she'd be happy.
Description Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on.
Appears In 15 APR 1993 Script Ahh, spring! I say let's move on to summer.
Description Calvin is happy it's spring. Suddenly, the wind blows, and it starts to rain. Calvin runs inside the house. He grabs his comic book and says they should move on to summer.
Appears In 24 MAY 1993 Script Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol' heartstrings. Some of these I haven't personally experienced, sad to say.
Description Calvin writes the little joys of life. Petting a dog, reading a comic book, smiling when a kid calls you a nasty name and you punch his teeth down his neck. Hobbes reads Calvin's list and says he pulls the ol' heartstrings.
Appears In 30 MAY 1993 Script Historical marker. "Calvin's house". In January, some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? I'M not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if you'll excuse me, duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of mega-might is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home, Mom.
Description An alien beams down from his spaceship and talks to Calvin, but he doesn't understand. The alien attacks Calvin. Calvin runs into his house and hides in the corner while the alien comes to him. The alien notices the television, so Calvin turns it on for him. The alien is happy, and Calvin is relieved. The alien beams back to his spaceship. Dad turns off the television and complains to Calvin about it being on. Calvin tries to explain.
Appears In 06 JUNE 1993 Script Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! It's impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! You're still wrong, Dad.
Description Calvin is writing a self-help book. He tells Hobbes you convince people there's something wrong with them, and that the problem isn't their fault. Lastly, you convince them that with your guidance, they can conquer their problem and be happy. Hobbes asks what problem he's going to help people solve. Calvin says their addiction to self-help books. His book is called "Shut Up and Stop Whining: How to Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself". Hobbes thinks he should wait for the advance before buying anything. Calvin says if his program works, he can't write a sequel.
Appears In 30 SEPT 1993 Script If heaven is good, and if I like to be bad, how am I supposed to be happy there? How will you get to heaven if you like to be bad? Let's say I didn't DO what I WANTED to do. Suppose I led a blameless life! Suppose I denied my true dark nature! I'm not sure I have that much imagination. Maybe heaven is a place where you're ALLOWED to be bad!
Description Calvin asks Hobbes how he's supposed to be happy in Heaven, if he likes to be bad. Hobbes asks how he'll get to Heaven if he's bad. Calvin asks Hobbes to suppose he led a blameless life. He says to suppose he denied his dark nature. Hobbes isn't sure he has that much imagination. Calvin wonders if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to be bad.
Appears In 21 OCT 1993 Script Here I am, happy and content. ...but not euphoric. So now I'm no longer content. I'm unhappy. My day is ruined. I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead.
Description Calvin says he is happy and content. But he's not euphoric. Now he's no longer content. He's unhappy, and his day is ruined. He walks off saying he needs to stop thinking while he's ahead.
Appears In 16 NOV 1993 Script Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well, what issues do you care about? I don't care about issues! I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a busy man! I say, either agree with me or take a hike! I'm right, period! End of discussion! Um... right. There, see? Everybody's happy.
Description Calvin wants help with thinking of an issue for a debate paper. Calvin doesn't care about issues. He says he's got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion. He says he's a busy man. Calvin says either agree with him or take a hike. He's right, period. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin's right. Calvin says everybody's happy.
Appears In 21 NOV 1993 Script Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
Description Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow.
Appears In 13 JAN 1994 Script Yes! POW. Wasn't that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend would've been happy for me!
Description Calvin hits Hobbes with a snowball. He asks if Hobbes noticed what a great shot that was and if he noticed the top spin. Hobbes gets out of the snow angrily. Calvin's clothes are hanging from a tree branch out of reach. Calvin stands in his underwear in the snow. He says a real friend would have been happy for him.
Appears In 22 APR 1994 Script With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
Description
Appears In 06 JULY 1994 Script I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
Description
Appears In 06 OCT 1994 Script Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
Description
Appears In 26 NOV 1994 Script Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
Description
Appears In 22 JAN 1995 Script What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Description Calvin, the astronaut, hops out of the space lander. He hops in the lunar rover and drives around the surface of the moon. From space, you can read "Calvin is great" in tire tracks on the surface of the moon. Calvin looks at the moon with binoculars. He tells Dad he wishes he could go to the moon. Dad says he wishes Calvin could, too.
Appears In 21 MAR 1995 Script YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously I'm not GOING to my house. It's a lot MORE obvious that you're not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well, it's my Mom's rule that you can sit in our yard, but you can't come in the house. Your Mom didn't say that!
Description Calvin tells Susie her house is the other way. She isn't going to her house. Calvin tells her she can't come to his house. Susie says she has to stay with him until her mom gets home. She says their moms agreed to it. Susie isn't happy about it any more than Calvin is. Calvin informs Susie that she can sit in the yard, but she can't come into the house. Susie contends Calvin's mom didn't say that.
Appears In 05 MAY 1995 Script Calvin, would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be hap-py to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?!
Description Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem at the board. Calvin walks forward like a robot. He mechanically says he would be happy to do it. He says he has been programmed to obey all directives. He has no free will. As Calvin walks to the principal's office, he asks if anyone appreciates theater.
Appears In 18 JUNE 1995 Script We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
Description A stick person walks along. He sees something, turns around and runs. A stick animal comes up behind the stick person, jumps up and tackles the stick person. The stick animal eats the head of the stick person and walks away. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes gave him the story idea. He tells Dad to flip the pages again.
Appears In 14 DEC 1995 Script In the SHORT term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
Description In the house, Calvin says in the short term, it would make him happy to play outside. In the long term, it would make him happier to do well in school and be successful. As they ride down the hill on the sled, Calvin says in the very long term, he knows which will make better memories.
Appears In
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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.