Your search found 73 comics:30 JAN 1986 Script Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Description Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Appears In 31 JAN 1986 Script Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Description Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Appears In 01 FEB 1986 Script Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
Description Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.
Appears In 17 FEB 1986 Script Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
Description Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends.
Appears In 03 MAR 1986 Script You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
Description Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period "Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism"...also known as gym class.
Appears In 19 MAR 1986 Script Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
Description Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on.
Appears In 23 APR 1986 Script You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
Description Moe tells Calvin he has two periods to live. He warns him that in gym class, Calvin will be turned into hamburger casserole. As Calvin walks off, he says he hates gym class. The coach thinks violence is aerobic.
Appears In 03 JUNE 1986 Script Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes what he should do when Moe comes to beat him up in gym class. Hobbes offers the thing tigers do when a rhino charges, climbing up the nearest tree. Calvin laments that advice. Hobbes muses that it doesn't impress the girls, but it's better than impressing them and getting killed.
Appears In 04 JUNE 1986 Script Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
Description Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.
Appears In 22 SEPT 1986 Script Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
Description Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.
Appears In 23 SEPT 1986 Script Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
Description Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.
Appears In 24 SEPT 1986 Script If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
Description Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.
Appears In 25 SEPT 1986 Script Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
Description Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.
Appears In 13 FEB 1987 Script The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back.
Description A giant amoeba slides across the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Mom looks over as the cookies are being eaten. She pulls the blanket off Calvin, telling him "Nice try. Put them back".
Appears In 19 OCT 1987 Script Hey, Calvin, c'mere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Description Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Appears In 20 OCT 1987 Script You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.
Description Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.
Appears In 21 OCT 1987 Script Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot.
Description Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.
Appears In 22 OCT 1987 Script Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
Description Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.
Appears In 23 OCT 1987 Script Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub!
Description Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.
Appears In 24 OCT 1987 Script I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book.
Description As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.
Appears In 03 MAR 1988 Script Hey, Calvin, guess what we're doing in gym today. We're wrestling! Next period you'll be so covered with mat burns you'll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then, twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
Description Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
Appears In 09 SEPT 1988 Script Hey, Calvin, you're on my swing. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, Moe. Oh no? Nope. You're so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet.
Description Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and greater maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Moe punches Calvin off the swing. Calvin, crumpled on the ground, says those TV nature programs will be the death of him yet.
Appears In 11 NOV 1988 Script Off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said, "Off". I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
Description Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to forget it, he just got on. Calvin says Moe will have to wait his turn like everyone else. Moe pulls him off and cocks his fist. Calvin, lying in a cloud of dust, says he keeps forgetting rules are only for little nice people.
Appears In 12 DEC 1988 Script I'm gonna pound you in gym class, shrimp. Get your kicks now, you glandular freak, because once you grow up you can't go beating people up for no reason. Yeah, I guess you're right. That really wasn't what I meant at all.
Description Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all.
Appears In 26 MAR 1989 Script Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Description Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.
Appears In 11 SEPT 1989 Script I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
Description Moe wants the truck Calvin is playing with. Calvin tells Moe he can't just take something because he's bigger than others. Moe cocks his fist and tells Calvin he's not taking it. He says Calvin is going to give it to him. They'll both be much happier that way. After Moe leaves, Calvin says "How touching".
Appears In 12 SEPT 1989 Script Moe, give me my truck back. It's not yours. It is NOW. You gave it to me. I didn't have much choice, DID I?! It was either the truck or get punched. So? So I only "gave" it to you because you're bigger and meaner than me! Yeah? ... so? The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. You're saying you changed your mind about getting punched?
Description Calvin goes back to get his toy truck. He tells Moe it's not his. Moe says that it is because Calvin gave it to him. Calvin replies that he didn't have much of a choice. It was either give up the truck or get punched. He explains he only gave it to Moe because Moe is bigger and meaner than he. Moe says "So". Calvin declares that the forensic marvel has reduced his logic to shambles. Moe cocks his fist and wonders if Calvin is changing his mind about getting punched.
Appears In 13 SEPT 1989 Script That no-good, rotten Moe! He won't give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it, too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong, but HE stole it from ME, and if I DON'T steal it back, Moe will just keep it, and that's not fair. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.
Description Calvin complains that Moe won't return his truck. He wonders if he should steal it back, since stealing is wrong. If he doesn't steal it back, Moe will keep it and that's not fair, either. Calvin wonders what you're supposed to do if two wrongs don't make a right. Do you let the biggest guy make his own rules all the time? Calvin sits down and says that sounds reasonable.
Appears In 14 SEPT 1989 Script By golly, I AM going to steal my truck back from Moe! It's mine and he has no right to have it! I'll just sneak up behind the swings here, and when Moe's not looking, I'll run up, grab the truck and take off. This playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
Description Calvin decides to steal his truck back. He sneaks up to the swings and plans to run up, grab the truck, and take off. He awaits his chance. He thinks his playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
Appears In 15 SEPT 1989 Script OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
Description Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.
Appears In 16 SEPT 1989 Script Phooey, who am I kidding? I'd never get away with stealing my truck back from Moe. The ugly galoot is the size of a buick. Hmm... since I can't FIGHT him, maybe I should try TALKING to him. Maybe if I reasoned with him, he'd see MY side. Maybe he'd realize that stealing hurts people, and maybe he'd return my truck WILLINGLY. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I won't go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
Description Calvin wonders who he's kidding. He'll never get away with stealing his truck back. He says Moe is an ugly galoot the size of a Buick. Since he can't fight Moe, he thinks he could talk to him. Maybe Moe would see his side if he reasoned with him. Maybe Moe will realize stealing hurts people, and he'll return the truck willingly. Calvin says maybe if he's really lucky, he won't have to go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
Appears In 18 SEPT 1989 Script Listen, Moe, that's my truck, and I want it back! Yeah? Yeah! It's my favorite truck. You had no right to take it! Yeah? Yeah! So give it back! NOW! I'll fight you for it. I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. C'mon, wimp!
Description Calvin walks up to Moe and demands his truck back. Calvin says it's his favorite truck, and Moe had no right to take it. Calvin tells him to give it back now. Moe offers to fight Calvin for it. Calvin bets his autopsy reveals that his mouth is too big.
Appears In 19 SEPT 1989 Script I'm not going to fight you, Moe! If you won't give me my truck back, FINE! Go ahead and keep it! You're the one who has to live with yourself! I can't make you do what's right! You can HAVE the stupid truck! OK, thanks! Heh heh. Hey, Kid, if you're not gonna swing, get off and let someone ELSE on, huh?
Description Calvin won't fight Moe. He tells Moe that if he won't give the truck back, he can have it. He tells Moe he'll have to live with himself. Calvin can't make him do what's right. Calvin sits on the swing. Another kid comes up behind Calvin and tells him that if he's not going to swing, get off and let someone else on.
Appears In 20 SEPT 1989 Script ... so Moe stole my truck, and when I tried to get it back, Moe wanted to fight me for it. I didn't want to fight, so I walked away and Moe kept my truck. I don't understand it, Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean? Why is it that some people don't care what's wrong and right? Why don't people try to be nice to each other? The problem with people is that they're only human. Well, you're lucky you don't have to BE one.
Description Calvin explains what happened to Hobbes. He says Moe stole his truck, and when he went to get it back, Moe wanted to fight. Calvin didn't want to fight, so he walked away. He asks Hobbes what makes some people so greedy and mean. He asks why some people don't care what's wrong or what's right. Hobbes offers that the problem with people is that they're only human. Calvin says Hobbes is lucky that he doesn't have to be one.
Appears In 26 NOV 1989 Script Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food.
Description The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.
Appears In 02 MAR 1990 Script Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! It's for the "Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund." Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is "Give before it hurts."
Description Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund". Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is "Give Before It Hurts".
Appears In 23 MAR 1990 Script Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
Description Hobbes is lying on the floor, and Calvin starts playing with his toes saying "eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe". Hobbes opens an eye. Calvin continues saying "if he hollers.." as Hobbes starts to rise with an angry look on his face. Calvin walks off all scuffed up saying who writes these dumb things anyway.
Appears In 19 APR 1990 Script Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
Description Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.
Appears In 13 MAY 1990 Script Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Description Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.
Appears In 07 OCT 1990 Script ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Description Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster.
Appears In 11 OCT 1990 Script Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
Description Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat.
Appears In 29 OCT 1990 Script Gimme that ball or I'll punch your face in. Smart move, sissy boy. In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Description Moe tells Calvin to give him the ball, or he'll punch Calvin's face in. When Calvin does, Moe tells him that was a smart move, sissy boy. Calvin walks off and says we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to find a cure for jerks.
Appears In 08 NOV 1990 Script Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Description Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to wait his turn. Moe punches Calvin. Calvin, lying on the ground, says it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Appears In 13 JUNE 1991 Script Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
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Appears In 14 JUNE 1991 Script Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
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Appears In 15 JUNE 1991 Script Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your breserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
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Appears In 17 JULY 1991 Script Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
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Appears In 20 AUG 1991 Script Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
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Appears In 21 AUG 1991 Script Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
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Appears In 04 NOV 1991 Script Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
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Appears In 05 NOV 1991 Script Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
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Appears In 06 NOV 1991 Script If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
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Appears In 24 MAR 1992 Script Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
Description Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says "Oh yeah". He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
Appears In 12 MAY 1992 Script Outta my way, Twinky. A person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! I've got to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
Description Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
Appears In 22 SEPT 1992 Script You're dead at recess, Twinky. You don't scare ME, Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free.
Description Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free.
Appears In 15 OCT 1992 Script I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
Description Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting.
Appears In 03 FEB 1993 Script I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? Well, you'll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
Description Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
Appears In 09 SEPT 1993 Script Let go of me, ya big galoot! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?! They'd hit back. ...I guess that has a certain unethical logic to it...
Description Calvin tells Moe to let go of him. He asks Moe why he doesn't pick on somebody his own size. As he readies a punch, Moe says they'd hit back. As Calvin lies on the ground, he guesses that has a certain unethical logic to it.
Appears In 17 SEPT 1993 Script You're dead at recess, Twinky. I feel sorry for you, Moe. You must have some serious personal problems if this is how you relate to people. POW. Then again, maybe he's just a world-class poop head.
Description Moe tells Calvin he's dead at recess. Calvin says Moe must have serious personal problems if this is how he relates to people. Moe punches Calvin. On the floor, Calvin says Moe may be just a world-class poop head.
Appears In 23 SEPT 1993 Script Wait! Don't hit me! There's something on your back! I'm sure. I'm serious! It's a note! Your Mom must've pinned it on your shirt. What's it say? It says, "Somebody run this boy over with a truck." If I'm going to get clobbered, I like to deserve it.
Description Right before Moe hits him, Calvin tells him there is something on his back. He tells Moe his Mom must have pinned it to his shirt. Moe asks what it says. Calvin tells him that someone should run this boy over with a truck. After Calvin has been pounded to the ground, he says if he's going to get clobbered, he likes to deserve it.
Appears In 25 OCT 1993 Script Hold it, Moe! Before you wallop me, I'm afraid you'll have to sign this form. What's this? It's a statement acknowledging responsibility for your behavior. You agree that hitting me entitles me to unlimited compensation for medical treatment as well as reasonable damages for pain and suffering. You affirm that you're insured for these costs and... Nobody takes responsibility for his actions any more.
Description As Moe readies a punch to Calvin, he says Moe has to sign a form. Moe asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's a statement acknowledging responsibility for his behavior. Calvin says hitting him entitles him to compensation of medical treatment and damages for pain and suffering. Calvin lies on the floor beaten up. He says nobody takes responsibility for his actions anymore.
Appears In 09 DEC 1993 Script I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. You'd better be nice to me, Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
Description Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin tells Moe to be nice to him, since his tax dollars will one day pay for Moe's prison cell. Moe punches him. Calvin says his problems is his lips move when he thinks.
Appears In 29 JAN 1994 Script Gimme a quarter, Twinky. Your simian countenance unusually rich in species diversity. What? Here you go. That was worth 25 cents.
Description Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin tells Moe his simian countenance suggests a heritage rich in species diversity. Moe wonders what that meant while Calvin gives him a quarter. Calvin walks off stating that was worth 25 cents.
Appears In 28 MAR 1994 Script I don't like your face. Then don't look at it. I'd rather change it. Haw! I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.
Description Moe tells Calvin he doesn't like Calvin's face. Calvin tells him not to look at it. Moe would rather change it, and he socks Calvin. Calvin, lying against a locker, says he doesn't care about being accepted. He'd settle for being ignored.
Appears In 08 APR 1994 Script Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
Description
Appears In 08 SEPT 1994 Script I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
Description
Appears In 03 NOV 1994 Script Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Description
Appears In 27 JAN 1995 Script Outta my way, Twinky. ...and suddenly, the Earth opened up! Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled head over heels down the smoking chasm until he splashed into the molten magma at the planet's core, where he slowly melted before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease!
Description Moe pushes Calvin to the ground. After Moe leaves, Calvin says the earth opened up. Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled down the smoking chasm until splashing into the planet's molten magma core, slowly melting before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off.
Appears In 14 MAY 1995 Script Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Description Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.
Appears In 10 SEPT 1995 Script Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
Description The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink. The allosaur is thirsty, too. This means confrontation. The ultrasaur turns around to glower at the allosaur. Calvin is standing behind Moe at the drinking fountain. Calvin says that fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type.
Appears In 22 SEPT 1995 Script Ook ook ee! Ooh! Ook. In humor, timing is everything.
Description Calvin walks behind Moe. Calvin drags his knuckles, then scratches himself like an ape. Moe turns around and sees him. Pounded, Calvin says in humor, timing is everything.
Appears In 08 OCT 1995 Script Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Description Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
Appears In 20 NOV 1995 Script I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Why?? It's no contest! You've got the entire advantage! What could you possibly get out of pounding someone completely defenseless! It's fun. Oh, he's a sportsman.
Description Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin asks why. He says it's no contest. He asks what Moe gets from pounding someone completely defenseless. Moe says it's fun. Calvin says Moe is a sportsman.
Appears In
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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.