Your search found 199 comics:19 FEB 1986 Script Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
Description Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal.
Appears In 10 MAR 1986 Script Boy, is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look, was this my idea?
Description Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea.
Appears In 03 APR 1986 Script Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand, sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.
Appears In 27 APR 1986 Script I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Description Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.
Appears In 25 MAY 1986 Script Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Description Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Appears In 13 JULY 1986 Script Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Description Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.
Appears In 17 JULY 1986 Script Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I don't like food cooked out, do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a log roasting wieners. The hot dogs catch fire. Calvin stomps on his hot dog, while Hobbes smacks his into the ground to put out the fires. Hobbes says he doesn't like food that's cooked outside. Calvin thinks it all tastes the same.
Appears In 27 JULY 1986 Script Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Description Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.
Appears In 31 AUG 1986 Script Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Description Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.
Appears In 09 OCT 1986 Script Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Description Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".
Appears In 25 OCT 1986 Script I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
Description Calvin comes down the stairs declaring that he's done with his homework. He says he's going out to play, and that he has his jacket. He says he's leaving. Lastly, he says he'll give further bulletins as events warrant.
Appears In 09 NOV 1986 Script Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.
Appears In 31 DEC 1986 Script Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Description Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".
Appears In 04 JAN 1987 Script What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Description Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.
Appears In 10 JAN 1987 Script Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
Description Calvin is getting his coat and boots on to go outside. As Calvin walks along, he hears "Galosh, galosh, galosh".
Appears In 08 FEB 1987 Script Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.
Appears In 11 FEB 1987 Script What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didn't say.
Description Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".
Appears In 14 MAR 1987 Script Dad, did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Waahhhh!! I'm sorry too, kiddo. But he didn't have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could, but now he's gone. Sniff. I know I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me.
Description Calvin asks Dad if he checked on the raccoon. Dad says he did, and the raccoon died. Calvin starts crying. Dad consoles him by saying the raccoon didn't have much of a chance. Dad says that at least the raccoon died warm and safe. They had done all they could. Calvin sniffles and says that even though the raccoon is gone from outside, he's not gone from inside.
Appears In 22 MAR 1987 Script Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.
Appears In 29 MAR 1987 Script Thanks for the lunch Mom! I'm going outside. Refueled, the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin, you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30,000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking, I'm afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. We're stacked up over Washington, and we'll be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin, you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog, from now on I'm playing "bus".
Description Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.
Appears In 27 MAY 1987 Script I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.
Description Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back.
Appears In 14 JUNE 1987 Script I'm going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! It's not a tree at all! It's a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly, promising himself that he'll never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime, the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! What's that on my plate?! Good heavens, get it off the table!! But Mom, frogs are our friends!
Description Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.
Appears In 16 AUG 1987 Script Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy, this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course, it's still raining. It's been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! We're going to need a vacation after this vacation. I'll say! We can't even keep a fire going. I can't believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? He's a fanatic! Either that or we're al out of packaged food. We'll probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. If we live to get home, I'm never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish?
Description Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.
Appears In 23 JAN 1988 Script Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.
Appears In 05 FEB 1988 Script Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?
Description Calvin goes outside into the cold. He gets a funny look on his face. He grabs his nose. He asks "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze".
Appears In 07 FEB 1988 Script I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes.
Description Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.
Appears In 21 FEB 1988 Script No text
Description Calvin is getting dressed to go outside. He puts his scarf on, his jacket, hat and boots. Out the door he goes. He stops, comes back in. He takes off his hat, scarf, jacket and boots. Into the bathroom he goes.
Appears In 24 FEB 1988 Script Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong.
Description Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.
Appears In 25 FEB 1988 Script Come in, Rosalyn! I'm sorry! We didn't realize Calvin hadn't let you in. That's ok. It wasn't too cold and wet out. We're late, help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldn't get it open. Bed.
Description Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.
Appears In 31 JULY 1988 Script Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well, I was just standing there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy, what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place, and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well, at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHAT'D YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDN'T DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK, OK! I'M GOING! YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE! Hey, Dad, catch the water balloon! Great reflexes, Dad. By the way, don't go in the house like that. Mom's in one of her moods again. I'll bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.
Description Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.
Appears In 17 AUG 1988 Script Boy, Dad sure blew his stack THAT time, didn't he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM, you'd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dad's got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does, I sure wish you'd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh, now YOU'RE going to start on me TOO, huh?
Description Calvin and Hobbes are walking outside. Calvin complains that Dad blew his stack and calls Dad a sorehead. Calvin rants that Dad acts like nobody ever needed to call a plumber before. He says Dad has a job and can afford it. He says Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. Hobbes wishes that when Dad does, that Calvin would quit trying to pin his crimes on Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him, too.
Appears In 20 AUG 1988 Script Give me some cookies, or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do, stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heaven't sake, don't waste food, Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog, or did your Mom take it?
Description Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.
Appears In 21 AUG 1988 Script I brought a scary story out, so we're all set. What's it called? "The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you." Gosh, this is the creepiest story I've ever heard! Don't stop. Keep reading. "Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight, it ..." What was that noise? Oh, stop it. This is scary enough. No, really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! It's the bog monster! Oh, no!! Oh, no!! Quick, turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK It's coming this way! We're doomed! It's getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh, my gosh, its... it's opening the tent flap! It's coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run, Hobbes, RUN! What are you doing in here?! Where's your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster must've got him! WHERE'S THAT KID?!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.
Appears In 22 AUG 1988 Script Everything floats randomly in the romm! There's no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle, aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum, turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. C'mon, you! Outside! You're really bouncing off the walls today. Aw, Mom!
Description Calvin floats around the room. There is no gravity. Calvin pushes off the ceiling and aims for the hallway. He glides with unchecked momentum. He turns himself so he can push off the next stationary surface. Mom scoots Calvin outside. She says he's really bouncing off the walls today.
Appears In 15 SEPT 1988 Script So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.
Description Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.
Appears In 01 NOV 1988 Script What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside, so I'm digging a hole to China. If Dad's going to be such a grouch, I figure I'll just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too, if you want. There's another shovel in the garage. You don't think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh, you know Dad. He'll get mad no matter WHERE we dig.
Description Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. Calvin is digging a hole to China. Calvin says if Dad is going to be a grouch, he'll just go live on the other side of the planet. Calvin tells Hobbes he can come along, too. There's another shovel in the garage. Hobbes wonders if Dad will get mad with them digging up the driveway. Calvin says Dad will get mad no matter where they dig.
Appears In 04 NOV 1988 Script Mom said I can't go outside until I finish my homework. If you'll help me, I'll be faster. What's five plus seven? I don't know. I don't either. Then write, "I don't know." Hey, that's a true answer, isn't it! I can write that for ALL of these! We're done! We'd better have a look at our prodigy's homework.
Description Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.
Appears In 05 NOV 1988 Script Want to go play outside? No. I'm watching TV. You hate this show. Let's go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So you're going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
Description Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.
Appears In 22 NOV 1988 Script MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
Description Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.
Appears In 30 NOV 1988 Script Calvin, where are you? Get out here! Come on, Calvin, I'm getting tired of this. I MEAN it, Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later she's going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble.
Description Mom is looking for Calvin. She comes up the stairs asking where he is. She looks in a closet and says she's getting tired of this. She says she means it and wants him to come out for his bath. Calvin is outside his bedroom window sitting on the roof. He says sooner or later, Mom's going to have to question whether this is worth all the trouble.
Appears In 20 DEC 1988 Script I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? I have a better idea. C'mere. OK, step outside. Why? What's outside? In a few minutes, you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad!
Description Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him.
Appears In 25 DEC 1988 Script I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think "Santa"would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever.
Description Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.
Appears In 08 JAN 1989 Script C'mon, we'd better go outside for a while. How come? Mom's getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK, the main fortress will be a wall five feet high, and go from here down over that hill, with turrets every 50 feet. Over here we'll build an inner wall, in case we have to retreat, and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesn't pack too well, does it? It's not wet enough. Gosh, it'll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. I'm cold. Me, too. Let's go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall, after the moat. Say, I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
Description Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.
Appears In 24 JAN 1989 Script Look at all this homework I'm supposed to do! I don't want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
Description Calvin complains about all the homework he has to do. He tells Hobbes he doesn't want to do the homework, and he wants to play outside. Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says "childhood is short and maturity is forever".
Appears In 01 MAR 1989 Script Morning, Dad! How's your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal, huh? A bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. Yes. Why don't you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? I'll bet you'd rather have a bowl of tasty, up-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No, thanks. I'm trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having, Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie, YOU eat the cereal, Calvin.
Description Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.
Appears In 08 MAR 1989 Script Please let my beanie come today! I promise I won't ever be bad again! I'll do whatever you want! Please, please, please! I'll never ask another favor if today's the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?
Description At his desk, hands clenched in prayer, Calvin prays for the beanie to come in the mail that day. He promises he'll never be bad again. He promises never to ask for another favor if he gets the beanie today. He runs in the house and asks Mom if the beanie came. She says no. Calvin goes outside, looks into the sky, and yells "What's it take, huh".
Appears In 20 MAR 1989 Script C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
Description Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.
Appears In 16 APR 1989 Script I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
Description Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.
Appears In 07 MAY 1989 Script Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Description Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.
Appears In 01 JUNE 1989 Script I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
Description Calvin has a couple sandwiches that he's made, but he thinks Mom got suspicious. He tells Hobbes they'd better go. Hobbes is trying to decide whether to bring a yo-yo or bubbles. Calvin hurries him up saying they'll be lucky to get out of there with their lives. Calvin says Mom is bound to look out the window any minute and see the car. As they dash out the back door, Calvin asks where's a freight train when you really need one.
Appears In 23 JUNE 1989 Script I CLEANED UP MY STUPID ROOM! CAN I GO OUTSIDE NOW?! That didn't take very long. Let's se what kind of job you did. I did a GREAT job! See? Can I go now? Your room looks good. Now did you straighten up your closet like I asked you to? AAUGH! Don't open thaa... Back to work, kiddo. YOU made THIS mess! YOU can clean it up!
Description Calvin yells that he cleaned his room. He wants to go outside. Mom says it didn't take very long. She wants a look to see what kind of job he did. Calvin says he did a great job. Mom says the room looks clean. She then asks if he straightened up the closet like she asked. Calvin yells for her not to open the door. Too late. Mom is buried by all the stuff Calvin threw in there. Mom tells him to go back to work. Calvin complains that she made this mess, so she should clean it up.
Appears In 30 JUNE 1989 Script It's too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. That's what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding.
Description Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside.
Appears In 01 JULY 1989 Script Give me some cookies, or I soak you with this water balloon! Why, you little thug! Don't you threaten your mother! And don't even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! I'll bet I'd have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT.
Description Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.
Appears In 07 JULY 1989 Script When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here, I'd skoosh him.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him.
Appears In 21 JULY 1989 Script Wake up, Calvin. It's 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. It's a beautiful morning. The sun's barely up and there's a mist over the water. It's perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Don't you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. You've got to get up early if you want to catch anything. C'mon, the canoe's all ready and I've got your fishing rod. MOM, make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
Description Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
Appears In 04 SEPT 1989 Script Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
Description Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.
Appears In 28 SEPT 1989 Script Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Description Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door.
Appears In 29 SEPT 1989 Script See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
Description Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.
Appears In 16 OCT 1989 Script Uh oh, Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone, and put on a sweater if you're cold. I ... I don't have the en.. energy!
Description Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy.
Appears In 20 OCT 1989 Script Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes.
Description Calvin calls Valley Hardware looking for blasting caps, detonators, timers, and wire. They only have wire. He asks if they rent bulldozers or backhoes. He tells them a rototiller won't do. He asks about wrecking balls. They can't help Calvin. He walks outside and tells Hobbes it looks like another boring day.
Appears In 21 NOV 1989 Script I'm TELLING you, my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! I've been trapped on the ceiling! I couldn't do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasn't OUTSIDE when it happened, or I'd be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I don't want to hear any more nonsense until you're through with your homework, understand? DON'T LET GO! DON'T LET GO!
Description As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go.
Appears In 24 NOV 1989 Script I've got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked.
Description Calvin has to get outside before he grows bigger. He barely gets his foot out the door. Once outside, he walks off saying he should get his pituitary gland checked.
Appears In 09 DEC 1989 Script Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
Description Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play outside. Calvin goes into great detail why he doesn't. He'd have to get up, get a coat, put on his hat, they'd run around and get tired. Then, he'd have to come in and take it all off again. Hobbes asks what he'll do. Calvin says he's going to sit in the chair until a good TV show comes on. Hobbes walks off saying he'll tell Mom and Dad to point him toward the light and water him periodically. Calvin tells him that instead of making smart remarks, he could get Calvin the remote control.
Appears In 31 DEC 1989 Script I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Description Hobbes asks if Calvin is making any New Year resolutions. Calvin asks what he's implying. He thinks he's perfect the way he is. He rants on about staying like this, and everyone can get used to it. It's a free country. He doesn't need anyone's permission to be the way he wants. He says life is too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how he should be. Everyone can stay out of his face. He turns around to see Hobbes has left. Calvin grumbles that Hobbes should resolve to be more attentive when someone is speaking.
Appears In 03 JAN 1990 Script How cold is it outside? I don't know. Why don't you check? It's pretty darn cold. I'd say. Let me show you an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
Description Calvin asks Mom how cold it is outside. Mom suggests he go check. Calvin opens the front door and stands there. Snow starts piling up around him and on his head. He tells Mom he'd say it's pretty darn cold. Mom is ready to wring his neck and says she wants to show him an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
Appears In 11 JAN 1990 Script The duplicator worked! Hobbes, meet my duplicate! Hey, nice room. Oog, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. OK, Dupe! Hobbes and I are going out to play. You clean my room and when you're done, I've got some homework you can do, too. WHAT?! Forget it, bub! Find some OTHER sucker to do your dirty work! Last one outside is a rotten egg! HEY! COME BACK HERE! He's a dupicate of you, all right. What do you mean? THIS guy is a total jerk!
Description Calvin introduces his duplicate. Hobbes isn't sure he's ready for this. Calvin tells his duplicate that he and Hobbes are going out to play. The duplicate will clean Calvin's room and do his homework. The duplicate doesn't like that. He runs off, telling Calvin to find another sucker to do his dirty work. Hobbes comments on how he is a duplicate of Calvin, all right. Calvin asks what he means. He says the duplicate is a total jerk.
Appears In 12 JAN 1990 Script Where are YOU going? Did you clean your room like I asked you to? I'm going outside. Calvin can clean his OWN room. I don't want any nonsense, Calvin. Go upstairs. Calvin? I'm not Calvin. I'm his duplicate. Calvin's in his room. What did I just say? No nonsense, Calvin. Go clean your room. Boy, you ARE a crabby lady! Who are you? Calvin's cruel governess? That does it!
Description The duplicate walks by Mom dressed to go outside. Mom asks if he cleaned his room like she asked him to. The duplicate tells her that he's going outside and that Calvin can clean his own room. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and tells him to go upstairs. As he walks away, he says he's Calvin's duplicate. Calvin is upstairs. Mom gets angry and tells him to go to his room. The duplicate says she's a crabby lady. He asks if she's Calvin's cruel governess.
Appears In 13 JAN 1990 Script C'mon, Hobbes. We'd better go find my duplicate before he gets me in trouble. I'm telling you, lady, you've got the wrong guy! I'm a duplicate of Calvin! Calvin is in his room! We'll see abou tthat. Give me your coat. See, Calvin? There's no one here. Now that's enough games. Clean your room, OK? Calvin? I don't see him, Hobbes. Maye he's outside, huh? We'd better hurry. I think I hear your Mom coming down the stairs.
Description Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.
Appears In 14 JAN 1990 Script The distant planet Z-12. Distant, that is, to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top, Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right, what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose, our hero readies a hydro bomb!
Description Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.
Appears In 15 JAN 1990 Script Calvin! What are you doing outside? Didn't I just send you to clean your room two minutes ago?! No. I did too! Now get back upstairs. I'm losing my patience for this game! She must've found my duplicate! C'mon Hobbes, we'd better hurry before he gets us in more trouble! Number three, hi! I'm number two! Charmed.
Description Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.
Appears In 18 JAN 1990 Script I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to get some cookies!
Description One of the duplicates is going to get some cookies. One of them is going outside. Another one wonders what's on TV. Calvin tells them Mom will see them. One of the duplicates says that as long as they split up, every time Mom sees one of them, she'll think they're Calvin. The duplicates laugh and walk off. Calvin calls them a bunch of devious little stinkers. He wonders where they learned to misbehave that way. Hobbes thinks they should check into a hotel until this is over.
Appears In 21 JAN 1990 Script No text
Description Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.
Appears In 31 JAN 1990 Script Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?
Description Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.
Appears In 12 MAR 1990 Script Do you... I mean, does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No, Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK, I'll put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter?
Description At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter.
Appears In 15 MAR 1990 Script Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own, and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give 'em back! Maybe you should be glad he's more literate than most stuffed animals. But they're MY comic books, not HIS! Well, you should learn to share. I don't think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why don't you go play outside, Calvin?
Description Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside.
Appears In 29 MAR 1990 Script What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
Description In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.
Appears In 07 APR 1990 Script There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
Description Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.
Appears In 09 APR 1990 Script There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Description Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.
Appears In 10 APR 1990 Script All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
Description Rosalyn comes into the room. Calvin tells her he's been there all the time. Rosalyn tells him he snuck outside, took off his costume, and jumped in bed. She says he's going to get it now. Calvin thumbs his hands at Rosalyn asking what she can do since he's already in bed. She grabs Calvin and tells him to get downstairs. Calvin protests, saying he needs his sleep.
Appears In 19 APR 1990 Script Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
Description Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.
Appears In 22 APR 1990 Script Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Description Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.
Appears In 23 APR 1990 Script C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now, be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Thags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!
Description Dad offers to help Calvin practice baseball before dinner. Calvin goes out to get ready to field a ground ball. He complains that he should just move. Dad gets ready to hit the ball and tells Calvin not to wait on the ball. He needs to run up to the ball. Dad leans over Calvin, lying on the ground. Dad says the ball sometimes bounces up like that, and he has to be ready for that. Calvin, speaking through a clogged nose, tells Dad thanks for the tip. He tells Dad to find his nose and put it on ice so they can sew it back on.
Appears In 27 MAY 1990 Script I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing Calvinball. Calvin stole Hobbes' flag. Hobbes hit him with the Calvin ball. He has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song. Calvin protests he was in the "no song" zone. Hobbes corrects him, as he had touched the "opposite pole", so now the "no song zone" is a "song zone". Calvin complains that Hobbes didn't declare it. Hobbes says he declared it oppositely by not declaring it. Calvin starts singing, and Hobbes joins in. When they're finished, Calvin says he gets free passage to wicket five. Hobbes tells him they did that last time. Calvin makes up a new rule to jump until someone finds the bonus box. As they jump away, Calvin says the only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice. Hobbes says the score is "Q to 12".
Appears In 05 JUNE 1990 Script Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
Description Dad sees Calvin playing a record, so he decides to tell Calvin something interesting. He shows the point on the label and a point on the outer edge of the record. They make a circle at the same time. Dad says the point on the outside of the record has to travel faster because it makes a bigger circle. Two points on the same disk, moving at different speeds, even though they make the same revolutions per minute. Calvin lies awake in his bed at night, eyes wide open, trying to understand it.
Appears In 21 JUNE 1990 Script C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes they have to play outside. He says Dad won't let him watch TV. Dad says since it's summer, he should play outside and run around, instead of sitting in front of a tube. Calvin calls Dad a dictator. Hobbes says it's cruel to be forced to play. As Calvin climbs on his swing, he says he'll show him. He refuses to have fun.
Appears In 22 JUNE 1990 Script OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are going to race to a tree. Hobbes says this one will determine the championship of the universe. Calvin asks how long they've been outside. Hobbes tells him an hour. Calvin races off saying where does the time go. He goes over to the window and tells Dad he's not having any fun.
Appears In 14 JULY 1990 Script Maybe we should get your inner ear checked.
Description Calvin peeks out the door. After he's outside, the bike peeks around the corner at him. The bike chases him down the street. Looking at Calvin lying on the ground, Dad says maybe they should get his inner ear checked.
Appears In 15 JULY 1990 Script Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Description Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk. He tears off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper. At his size, folding the sheet is difficult, but Calvin's patience is rewarded. He makes a paper airplane, pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk. A gust from an open window sends Calvin across the house. Calvin leans to steer. He runs the paper plane into Dad. Sitting under a tree outside, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need parents. All he needs is a recording that says "go play outside".
Appears In 22 JULY 1990 Script Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits it and runs the bases. Hobbes casually retrieves the ball as Calvin passes eleventh base. Hobbes walks with the ball. Calvin's going for home after touching twenty-fifth base. Hobbes tags Calvin out. Calvin, exhausted, thinks they need to change the rules.
Appears In 09 AUG 1990 Script Oh boy! Cooked-out hamburgers! They may be charred on the outside! They may be raw on the inside! But at least they've got that special outdoor flavor! ... of lighter fluid! MM-MM, when do we eat? Whaddaya mean tomorrow?!
Description Dad is cooking on the grill. Calvin comes up and says cooked-out hamburgers may be charred on the outside, raw on the inside, but they have that special outdoor flavor...of lighter fluid. Calvin asks when they eat. From his bed, he yells "Whaddaya mean tomorrow".
Appears In 26 AUG 1990 Script Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Description Hobbes tells Calvin he just ran into the invisible sector. He has to cover his eyes. Calvin, playing Calvinball, didn't know they had an invisible sector. He asks where it is. Hobbes tells him he can't see it. It's invisible. He asks how to know he went into it. Hobbes says he can't see anything, right? He hits Calvin on the head with the Calvinball. He gets a point. Calvin chases him. He says Hobbes just ran into a vortex spot. He has to spin around until he falls down. Hobbes informs Calvin that spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex returns to who called it. Calvin has to spin. He claims that's not fair. Hobbes tells him he knows the rules. Calvin admits that anything they make up are the rules. Calvin spins himself dizzy while saying this game lends itself to certain abuses. Hobbes has the Calvinball. He asks Calvin to guess how he gets out of the boomerang zone.
Appears In 03 OCT 1990 Script Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
Description Calvin, eminent television personality, is doing a commercial for "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. There isn't a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of the rich, fudgy taste. Calvin says it's the cereal he gets paid to recommend because he's famous. Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks. He asks if Hobbes is filled with the desire to emulate him and eat the cereal he endorses. Calvin says if not, he can repeat this every 20 minutes. Hobbes tells him not to threaten him.
Appears In 21 OCT 1990 Script Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Description Calvin's homework is on the table. The book attacks the pencil. It bites the pencil, then turns to attack the paper. It bites and eats the paper. It then turns to Calvin. Miss Wormwood says his book eating his homework is a new one. Calvin says he's lucky to be alive. He had to break the book's spine.
Appears In 02 NOV 1990 Script The hard part for us avante-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Do we allow our work to be hyped and exploited by a market that's simply hungry for the next new thing? Do we participate in a system that turns high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Of course, when an artist goes commercial, he makes a mockery of his status as an outsider and free thinker. He buys into the crass and shallow values art should transcend. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Oh, what the heck. I'll do it. That wasn't so hard.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes the hard part for avant-garde artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Should their work be hyped and exploited by a market hungry for the next new thing? Do they turn high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Calvin knows an artist doing that makes a mockery of his status as a free thinker. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Calvin says he'll do it.
Appears In 02 DEC 1990 Script Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Description Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.
Appears In 03 DEC 1990 Script Lemonade! Get youre ice-cold lemonade! Just five dollars a glass, while it lasts! How are sales? Terrible. I don't understand it. It sure is cold out. Yep. See, my lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration! Want to buy a glass? Sorry. All my savings are in bonds. Maybe I should start charging TEN dollars so I don't have to sell as much.
Description Standing outside in his coat, hat, and gloves, Calvin is selling lemonade. He's offering it for five dollars a glass. Hobbes asks how sales are. Calvin says they're terrible, and he doesn't understand it. Hobbes says it's cold out. Calvin says his lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration. He asks if Hobbes wants to buy a glass. Hobbes says all his savings is in bonds. Calvin thinks maybe he should charge ten dollars a glass so he doesn't have to sell as much.
Appears In 27 DEC 1990 Script That's enough TV! Go play outside. I don't WANT to go outside. Hmph.
Description Dad turns off the TV and tells Calvin to play outside. Calvin doesn't want to. Grumpily, he goes outside. He starts to build a snow man. He places it by the window looking in at Dad. Twigs are placed for hands to have the snow man thumbing his ears at Dad.
Appears In 28 DEC 1990 Script Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort, I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! I'm outside my fort now!
Description Calvin shouts out that he's invincible behind the walls of his snow fort. He says no one dares to attack him. Everyone is too chicken. He ducks behind the wall. He waits. Nothing happens. He comes out and yells that he's outside his fort now.
Appears In 06 JAN 1991 Script You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
Description Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him.
Appears In 11 JAN 1991 Script Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
Description In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.
Appears In 12 JAN 1991 Script The snow goons aren't moving! They're asleep! Now's our chance to go bump 'em off! We can't go outside NOW! It's 10 o'clock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. We'll have to wait at least an hour.
Description At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour.
Appears In 14 JAN 1991 Script Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON, DIE!
Description Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.
Appears In 16 JAN 1991 Script That IS Calvin! He's outside with the garden hose! It's after midnight! What do we have to do, CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARD'S ICE! Run, Hobbes! Dad's a snow goon too!
Description Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.
Appears In 09 FEB 1991 Script Calvin's been outside building something since early this morning. I can't tell what it is. Can you? It doesn't look like anything from here.
Description Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.
Appears In 02 MAR 1991 Script I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh?
Description Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.
Appears In 17 MAR 1991 Script Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough, do you? FINE! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WE'LL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! C'MON. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think I'll take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHAT'S WITH THE HAIL?! THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! What's going with you?! Ow! Ow! I'm going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! I'll bet there's an explanation for this, and I'll bet I don't want to hear it. The universe has an attitude, Mom!
Description Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
Appears In 16 JUNE 1991 Script Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.
Description
Appears In 26 JUNE 1991 Script Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
Description
Appears In 21 NOV 1991 Script Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Description
Appears In 07 DEC 1991 Script I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
Description
Appears In 15 JAN 1992 Script Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Description
Appears In 21 FEB 1992 Script I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Description Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Appears In 23 FEB 1992 Script At 35,000 feet, the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings, the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile, a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks, dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence, both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earth's crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown, who, at this moment, is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match, he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Can't we play something else?
Description Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat.
Appears In 10 MAR 1992 Script What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. What's the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey.
Description Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work.
Appears In 16 MAR 1992 Script I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes.
Description Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in.
Appears In 23 MAR 1992 Script SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house.
Description SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house.
Appears In 29 MAR 1992 Script That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
Description Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.
Appears In 14 APR 1992 Script My horoscope says, "Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented." Isn't that great? Today I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your "key policies"? First, obviously, is "Don't do homework." C'mon, let's go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner!
Description Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is "don't do homework". Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner.
Appears In 24 APR 1992 Script So Susie didn't kiss you today? Nope! In fact, I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesn't sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! ... to a point, of course. The paper should print MOM's daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.
Description Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true.
Appears In 01 MAY 1992 Script Paul Gauguin asked, "Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
Description Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks "whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?" He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway.
Appears In 03 MAY 1992 Script I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
Description Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude.
Appears In 10 MAY 1992 Script The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our hero's bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder, our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open, death ray blaster blansting! "I'll give you something to talk about!" he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space, Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet, THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight, I see.
Description Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room.
Appears In 11 MAY 1992 Script As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
Description Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice.
Appears In 14 JUNE 1992 Script CALLLVINN! Mom's calling, start the stopwatch. Shouldn't you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesn't see us, so she can't prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK, that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. It's time for bed. It's getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! IT'S NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! IT'S NOT REAL DARK! IT'S DARK ENOUGH. LET'S GO. Rats, she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THAT'S ALL I WANT! NO, COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES, OK? NOW, CALVIN! Darn, she's catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. We'll go for the fake agreement. OK, I'M COMING! Now we can stay out a little longer before she realizes I lied. How's the time? We've dragged this out 53 seconds so far. Good, let's go for the record! Oops, I lost my shoe! Every minute outside and awake is a GOOD minute.
Description Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.
Appears In 20 JUNE 1992 Script Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, "Do nothing." So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it!
Description Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it.
Appears In 30 JUNE 1992 Script If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. How so? Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people.
Description Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people.
Appears In 03 JULY 1992 Script What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL!
Description Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real.
Appears In 05 JULY 1992 Script I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. That's the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you can't control. You can't go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example, I'd like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end.
Description A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.
Appears In 08 JULY 1992 Script Hi Dad, it's me, Calvin. I just called to let you know it's a perfect day outside. Too bad you're trapped in a boring office while I'm running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
Description Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
Appears In 23 JULY 1992 Script Whoa, Dad! Don't miss your bus! Leggo!
Description Calvin peeks around the corner of the house. He sees something and gets excited. He turns on the outside water spigot. The sprinkler has been wrapped around a tree, with the sprinkler head up in the tree. Below the flowing sprinkler is Dad's briefcase and papers. Off page, Calvin is saying for Dad not to miss his bus and to let him go.
Appears In 02 AUG 1992 Script Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
Description Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.
Appears In 04 SEPT 1992 Script I ate a popsicle and now my tongue is purple, and my face is a sticky, blotchy red. My fingers are gummy, my arms are tacky where I wiped my mouth, my shirt is dripping wet, and the stick is stuck to my pocket. I'm a syrupy mess! Who can I hug? I'm sitting over here.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are sitting outside on the porch. Calvin ate a Popsicle, and his tongue is purple, his face sticky red. His fingers are gummy, and his shirt is dripping wet. He's a syrupy mess. He wonders who he can hug. Hobbes moves away from Calvin.
Appears In 08 NOV 1992 Script We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, "The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise."
Description Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes.
Appears In 16 NOV 1992 Script ... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile, in the air there's a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU KNOW!
Description Calvin marches along singing a Christmas song. Mom kicks him outside. Calvin yells back that not thinking about it won't make it go away.
Appears In 25 NOV 1992 Script Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
Description Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee.
Appears In 16 DEC 1992 Script RRRRGGHHH. I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny EVERY time.
Description Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time.
Appears In 01 JAN 1993 Script Wow, look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it, Dad. The season's over. Are you kidding? In this stuff, I reach my optimal heart rate in no time!
Description Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time.
Appears In 04 JAN 1993 Script I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here.
Description As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside.
Appears In 16 JAN 1993 Script Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out.
Description In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out.
Appears In 27 JAN 1993 Script Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be??
Description Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman.
Appears In 04 FEB 1993 Script Today for Show and Tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN!
Description Calvin brought a single snowflake for show and tell. He says they can all learn a lesson from how the unique crystal turns into a boring molecule of water, just like every one of the class, when you bring it into the classroom. He walks off saying that while the analogy sinks in, he'll be leaving.
Appears In 20 FEB 1993 Script I'm not going to do this homework! C'mon, let's go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed?
Description Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad.
Appears In 28 FEB 1993 Script Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
Description Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.
Appears In 13 MAR 1993 Script When you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and that's all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is "normal". Ahh, what a day! Up at 6:00, a 10-mile run in the sleet, and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well, maybe "normal" is too strong a word. I think we'd know normal if we saw it.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe "normal" is too strong a word.
Appears In 18 MAR 1993 Script I'm going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Let's just leave it that I'm done. Back to your room, buster.
Description Calvin tells Mom he's going outside. She asks if he's done with his homework. He says yes. She asks if he read the whole chapter. Calvin replies they should just leave it that he's done. Mom tells him to go back to his room.
Appears In 25 APR 1993 Script Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Description Calvin gets out of bed and runs past Mom saying he's up. She chases Calvin, telling him to go to bed. He climbs under the chair and around an end table. Mom grabs him and takes him to bed. Calvin yells that he's not tired and wants to stay up. Mom collapses, exhausted, on the chair downstairs. Calvin, in bed, says Mom has to earn a night's respite from him.
Appears In 25 MAY 1993 Script Look, Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice, here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also, I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase, explosion, murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less, hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
Description Calvin says the world is like TV. He says the colors outside are less intense and the people are uglier. He can go minutes without a car chase, murder, or explosion. Hobbes asks why he would settle for less as Calvin watches his favorite deodorant commercial.
Appears In 15 JUNE 1993 Script Dad, what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No, but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today.
Description Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today.
Appears In 27 JUNE 1993 Script Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of life's mysterious quirks, Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size, folding the sheet is difficult, but soon Calvin's patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! There's Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dad's attention! I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!"
Description Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.
Appears In 10 JULY 1993 Script Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldn't lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason, the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
Description Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
Appears In 25 JULY 1993 Script To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
Description A Zokk circles above a planet where Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft has crashed. Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land. An alien comes over, tells him to put on sun screen and wear a hat if he's going to be outside. The alien walks off telling Spiff to have some common sense. Mom tells Calvin not to give him that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship, and goes to find a more temperate climate with fewer aliens.
Appears In 01 AUG 1993 Script I got a goal! OH, the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now, because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didn't know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You can't see it. It's invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You can't see anything, right? OK, so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact, I'll show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry, this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THAT'S NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah, yeah, anything we make up. Well, you'll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone!
Description At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute.
Appears In 15 AUG 1993 Script Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin.
Description Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.
Appears In 03 OCT 1993 Script That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
Description Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.
Appears In 21 NOV 1993 Script Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
Description Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow.
Appears In 05 DEC 1993 Script That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom.
Description Calvin looks at a snowman. It has a shovel in hand and is wearing a hat. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a pathetic cliche. He says the snowman says nothing about the human condition. He says the banality of the snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. He shows Hobbes the snowman he made. It's a horrible snowman with bulging eyes, an open mouth with tongue hanging out. Calvin says the snowman is "The torment of existence weighed against the horror of nonbeing". Hobbes comments that he admires Calvin's willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Hobbes walks away. Calvin stands there, then starts building a normal snowman.
Appears In 17 DEC 1993 Script No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Description Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy.
Appears In 26 DEC 1993 Script I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Description Hobbes asks if Calvin is making New Year's resolutions. Calvin wants everything to stay the same as it was this year. Calvin says the year was lousy, but familiar. Calvin hates change. You have to think about change and deal with it. He wants to take everything for granted. Calvin says things always change for the worse. Things get more complicated every year. He wants to stop now. No more change. They stand there for a little while. Calvin says he's bored and wants to do something different. Hobbes says some things don't change, as they run to play.
Appears In 06 FEB 1994 Script OOMF! Cat nap, noun: a quick, light doze in the manner of cats. I KNOW what it means!
Description Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
Appears In 28 FEB 1994 Script Should I stay inside or go out? It's awfully cold out, but I suppose I could bundle up. It looks windy though. But still, I'd like to go sledding. Then again, maybe I'd rather stay in. On the other hand... GO OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR! The more indecisive I am, the faster things get decided.
Description Calvin opens the door to see snow outside. He asks if he should stay inside or go out. He holds the door open while wondering if he could bundle up for the cold. He says he'd like to go sledding. Calvin wonders if he should stay in. He gets kicked out the door. Outside the house, Calvin says the more indecisive he is, the faster things get decided.
Appears In 10 MAR 1994 Script AAAA GAAA!! Hehh... hoo... hah... hehh... ...it was just a dream... my homework didn't explode. I'm not... MY HOMEWORK! I FORGOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I wish he'd sleep outside.
Description Calvin plunges toward the ground. He wakes up from sleep. He's glad it was just a dream and his homework didn't explode. He realizes, though, that he didn't do his homework.
Appears In 13 MAR 1994 Script No text
Description Calvin show Hobbes some trash dumped outside. He says people seem to forget others have to live on the planet. Calvin doesn't understand why humans evolved as thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Hobbes says it can't stay that way forever. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks they'll get smarter. Hobbes says that's one of the two possibilities. Calvin stops and thinks. He says maybe they'll stop polluting before it's too late. Hobbes says they're all holding their breath.
Appears In 16 MAR 1994 Script Don't you think you'd enjoy this more if you did your math assignment first, so it wasn't hanging over your head? I'm a practical man, Hobbes. I don't waste time thinking about hypothetical situations. I heal with the world here and now. And the incontrovertible fact is that I'm outside in the snow! THAT's reality! THAT's what I think about! Tomorrow's a reality too. Hypothetically, it might be another snow day.
Description As they play, Hobbes asks Calvin if he'd enjoy playing more if his homework was done. Calvin says he doesn't waste his time thinking about hypothetical situations. He says the fact is that he's outside. That's reality and what he thinks about. Hobbes says tomorrow is a reality, also. Hypothetically, Calvin says, it might be another snow day.
Appears In 17 MAR 1994 Script What a busy day! I'm pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear, so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish I'd done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish I'd done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now it's too late. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Description Hobbes yawns after a busy day. Calvin says the roads are clear, so they'll probably have school tomorrow. Now he wishes he had done his math homework instead of playing outside all day...or after dinner...or instead of watching TV. Now it's too late. He says a day can slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Appears In 14 APR 1994 Script What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
Description
Appears In 25 APR 1994 Script There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Description
Appears In 16 JUNE 1994 Script I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
Description
Appears In 07 JULY 1994 Script C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
Description
Appears In 28 SEPT 1994 Script Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
Description
Appears In 20 OCT 1994 Script Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Description
Appears In 17 DEC 1994 Script Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
Description
Appears In 08 JAN 1995 Script It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Description Calvin is bored making a snowman. Hobbes says they've only been outside a few minutes. Calvin says it's taking too long. Hobbes says they have all day. Calvin says the sun's too bright and his gloves are getting wet. He says making a snowman is hard work. He asks Hobbes what happens if the snowman isn't very good. They'd be failures. He says even if it's good, it will melt in a few weeks. Instead of wasting his time, he's going inside to watch TV. He'll be in complete physical comfort while experiencing the activity of actors pretending to do things. Hobbes asks if it's too much trouble to turn on the TV. Calvin replies that's why they have a remote control. Hobbes says virtual reality is already here. Calvin can't believe the only way to get inside is to walk.
Appears In 17 JAN 1995 Script On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Description Still waiting for the bus, Calvin says on gray days, you should be able to call a judge and take an oath that you'll read a good book, and he'd allow you to stay home. Hobbes asks if he'd only go to school on sunny days. Calvin says on those days, the judge would let you play outside. Hobbes comments that the judge is quite a guy. Calvin says he'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Appears In 13 FEB 1995 Script Mmm... somebody's having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isn't it strange how smells are so evocative, but we can't describe them. Oh, I dunno. That fire has a snorky, brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. It's a little brunky, but low humidity affects that.
Description Standing outside with Hobbes, Calvin detects the aroma of someone having a fire. He loves the smell of a fire on a winter day. He says it's strange how smells are so evocative, but they can't describe them. Hobbes says the fire has a snorky, brambish smell. Calvin should have known animals would have words for smells. Hobbes says it's a little brunky, but the low humidity affects that.
Appears In 22 FEB 1995 Script I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Description Smiling, Calvin says he likes homework. As he starts to do it, he says he doesn't want to go outside. He wants to do math problems. BLEHHH! Calvin hangs his tongue out. He says his brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Appears In 26 MAR 1995 Script What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Description Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of "cat nap".
Appears In 31 MAR 1995 Script Calvin, are you slamming doors?! It wasn't me, Mom! I didn't hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE, CALVIN, YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our club's finest hour! Where's Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. I'M IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why, Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet, of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin...
Description Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.
Appears In 16 APR 1995 Script I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Description In the bathtub, Calvin is playing with a sailboat. He pretends the man and woman on the boat stop for a swim. Suddenly, the lake is boiling hot. They get out of the water. The couple pulls up anchor, but the boat heads toward.....the waterfall. Calvin turns on the faucet and swamps the boat. The wind picks up, and Calvin gets out of the tub with the sailboat. The wind suddenly stops, and Calvin drops the boat into the toilet. One of the couple says they've somehow landed in another lake. It's a gigantic whirlpool. Calvin flushes the toilet, and down the boat goes. Later, a plumber hands Dad the sailboat. Dad gets charged $150. While he writes the check, Dad angrily says somebody else is going to pay for this, too.
Appears In 02 MAY 1995 Script Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers? It's bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!!
Description Calvin asks Dad why they aren't hooked up to an online service so they can connect to other computers. Dad says it's bad enough they have a telephone. Calvin goes outside and yells "HELLLPPP!!!"
Appears In 09 MAY 1995 Script How come grown-ups don't go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you don't get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough.
Description Calvin asks Dad why grownups don't go out to play. Dad says they justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. Calvin says that sounds like a job. Dad says it is, except you don't get paid. Calvin asks if play is worse than work. Dad says being a grownup is tough.
Appears In 14 MAY 1995 Script Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Description Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.
Appears In 14 JUNE 1995 Script Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values, so I harass him with mine.
Description Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his.
Appears In 25 JUNE 1995 Script Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
Description Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof.
Appears In 26 JUNE 1995 Script Darn ol' rain.
Description Outside, it is raining. Inside, Calvin sits in a chair holding a kite. The kite is being kept aloft by a fan.
Appears In 29 JUNE 1995 Script CAAAAAAALLLLLLVVINNNNN, THAAAAAT'S EEENOUUGHHH. M-mom s-sure was m-movingg st-strangellly t-toddayy. Maybe she's right about how much sugar you put on that cereal.
Description Mom is shaking while she tells Calvin that's been enough. Outside, Calvin is shaking. He tells Hobbes that Mom was moving strangely today. Hobbes tells him that she might be right about how much sugar he puts on his cereal.
Appears In 02 JULY 1995 Script Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Description Stupidopolis is a thriving coastal city built near a fault line. A giant wave crashes into the city. Calvin is laughing on the beach. Dad asks Mom why Calvin builds everything so close to the water. He says it's stupid. Mom says Calvin doesn't seem to mind doing it over and over.
Appears In 16 JULY 1995 Script Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Description Calvin and Hobbes see a snake. Hobbes asks if it's poisonous. Calvin wonders how you know. Hobbes suggests that if it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. They watch it move along, wondering how it glides. Calvin sees it flicking its tongue and wonders why they smell with their tongue. Hobbes asks if they have eyelids. Calvin wonders how it swallows something bigger than its own head. Hobbes says that Mom might get them a book so they'd know the answers. As they run to the house, Calvin stops. It's summer, and he's on vacation. He doesn't want to learn anything. Hobbes says if nobody makes him do it, it counts as fun. With that, Calvin and Hobbes get a book and learn about snakes.
Appears In 19 JULY 1995 Script I refuse to take out the garbage! I have the right to do whatever I want all the time! No you don't. I don't? Well it sure OUGHT to be a right.
Description Calvin refuses to take out the garbage. He says he has the right to do whatever he wants, all the time. Dad says he doesn't. As Calvin drags the garbage bag outside, he says it sure ought to be a right.
Appears In 18 AUG 1995 Script Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. It was nice of your parents to let us eat outside.
Description Sitting on the steps outside, Calvin and Hobbes are eating corn. Calvin says summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. Hobbes says it was nice of Calvin's parents to let them eat outside.
Appears In 20 AUG 1995 Script Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Description In poem form, Calvin says Mom and Dad aren't what they seem. They are outer space alien freaks. They landed in spaceships humongous, now they walk among us. He knows the truth, they're here to spoil his youth. Each morning, as the sun rises, they put on their earthling disguises. He knew their masks weren't legit, the faces are lined, they sag and don't fit. They're slaves to routine, they're almost machines. He can't escape their alien gaze, they warp his mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this is a gem. They're raising him up to turn him into them.
Appears In 25 AUG 1995 Script I can't believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom, no more long days outside, no more fun. Well, let's go make the most of the time we have left! Nah, I've reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Description Calvin can't believe summer is almost over. School will start, no long days outside, no more fun. Hobbes tells him they should make the most of the time they have left. Calvin tells him he's reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Appears In 08 OCT 1995 Script Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Description Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
Appears In 19 OCT 1995 Script Look! I see headlights coming over the trees! The aliens are back! Man, it's about time! C'mon, let's go get my leaf collection! You're out collecting LEAVES at THIS hour in your PAJAMAS?!? Get back in bed!! I TOLD you! Space aliens gave me these! They just left!
Description Hobbes sees headlights over the trees. Calvin thinks it's the aliens. He goes to collect his leaves. Dad sees Calvin outside collecting leaves in his pajamas. Dad has a flashlight. He tells Calvin to get in bed. Calvin says space aliens left the leaves for him.
Appears In 29 OCT 1995 Script Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Description Asleep in bed, Hobbes yawns and rolls over, taking Calvin's blanket. Calvin tries to pull it back to no avail. He then rolls Hobbes back over, only to find he is at the edge of the bed. He pushes Hobbes back over again, and there goes the blanket with Hobbes. Calvin goes to Mom and Dad's bedroom. He crawls into bed next to Mom and rolls over. There goes the blanket, leaving Dad without any cover.
Appears In 22 NOV 1995 Script Ooh, it's cold today! It needs to be 30 degrees warmer out here! For that matter, it's also too quiet. We need some background music. And it's too slow! Things should happen more quickly! If only being outside were more like driving a car. Yeah, I could be sitting down now too.
Description Hobbes and Calvin brace themselves against the cold. Calvin says it needs to be warmer. He adds it's too quiet and needs background music. He says it's too slow. Things should happen more quickly. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says if only being outside were more like driving a car. Calvin agrees, saying they could be sitting down now.
Appears In 14 DEC 1995 Script In the SHORT term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
Description In the house, Calvin says in the short term, it would make him happy to play outside. In the long term, it would make him happier to do well in school and be successful. As they ride down the hill on the sled, Calvin says in the very long term, he knows which will make better memories.
Appears In 21 DEC 1995 Script Who's at the door, Calvin? AAHH! Um.. uh.. girl scouts! Do we want any cookies? Girl scouts? Cookies? It seems early, but sure, let me get my purse. Oh no! Scram, you guys! Not until you fix the climate! I'll see what I can do. Do not trifle with us, Earth leader! Where are the girl scouts? They suddenly had to go earn a merit badge. Quick, where's Hobbes?
Description Mom asks who's at the door. Calvin tells her it's the Girl Scouts. He whisks the aliens outside. He tells them he'll see what he can do about fixing the climate. Mom asks where the Girl Scouts went. Calvin says they had to earn a merit badge.
Appears In 24 DEC 1995 Script What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Description One of Santa's elves wants him to look at Calvin's list. It includes a supplement on incendiary weapons. Santa asks if Calvin's naughty or nice. The elf hands Santa the dossier. Santa notices "the noodle incident". The elf says they have had trouble verifying the particulars of that case. Santa notices all the snowballs Calvin has thrown at Susie. The elf says that surveillance documents 400 incidents. The elf says the tiger vouches for the kid's character. Santa asks for the parents' comments. The elf indicates they're looking into the sarcasm factor. Santa says he's made up his mind and asks if Calvin's asleep. The elf says he is wide awake. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin Santa won't come until they're asleep. Calvin can't take the suspense.
Appears In 25 DEC 1995 Script You say my present from you is outside? It's over here. A pile of ready-made snowballs! I wanted to give you something practical. You're the best, Hobbes, ol' buddy! Thanks! Merry Christmas. I suppose it would be wrong to throw these at YOU... I made my own pile, just in case.
Description Hobbes' present for Calvin is outside. Hobbes gave him a pile of ready-made snowballs. Calvin hugs Hobbes and says he's the best. He supposes it would be wrong to throw the snowballs at Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he made his own pile, just in case.
Appears In
Calvin & Hobbes : Copyright & All Rights Reserved by Bill Watterson and Andrews McMeel Universal
Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine by
Michael "Bing" Yingling
Script from
S. Anand –
Dates from
Wikipedia –
Font by
Martijn Reemst
This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.