Hey! Where's the stocking for Hobbes? Where's Santa gonna stick Hobbes' loot, if Hobbes doesn't have a stocking?!? Okay, okay ... I'll make Hobbes a stocking. Don't worry. Make it big, but not as big as mine. "...Hobbes' loot"?? don't look at me! I'm done shopping!

Are you still awake? Of course! It's midnight. Let's go! As soon as he drops the bag down, you grab it and I'll close the flue!

Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience, I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully, and include them with the rest of my loot this year. That's the problem with this guy. He's gotten sloppy without any competition.

He sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook?

This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don't you think? You're worried about the salamander incident, aren't you? Temporary insanity! That's all it was!

They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants.

This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isn't this a religious holiday? Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.

Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults!

Well, I've decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck, I'll believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. It's the spirit of Christmas.

Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I haven't heard Santa yet, have you? Do you think he's coming? It's only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp, did you hear that? It's him! It's Santa! Shh! He's saying something! Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!

We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh, no it's not morning already? Well, technically yes ...

I don't understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There's no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending, I guess. Sure, but sooner or later it's going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?!

Dear Santa, Hi, it's me, Calvin. This year I've been extra good, so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do.

Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didn't forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. This says "Volume One". "Atom Bomb" through "Grenade Launcher". You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.

Here we are at the top of "Dismemberment Gorge". Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good?

Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting, yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Now's my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! You'd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santa's gonna skip this block for years.

I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think "Santa"would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever.

YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.

What are you doing still in bed?! I've called you three times! You're going to miss the bus! That's the idea. I'm staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don't get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn't good. It's bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.

I hate this time of the year. I've got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I'll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'M through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!

Miserable miscreant! Question my integrity, will you? I can't QUESTION it until I've see some EVIDENCE of it! AUGHH! I'VE BEEN FIGHTING! Only in the loosest sense of the word. SANTA, HE MADE ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FIGHT! YES HE DID! YES HE DID! HE STARTED IT! I DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO! LIAR! LIAR!

Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn't have to know about this, right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. OK, OK, I'll even apologize! I'm sorry. How's that? See, it's OK to fight just a little bit if you say you're sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! "Dear Santa, know what Calvin did today?"

Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.

There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.

and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you've HAD it. Hmm... That might not be politic. I'm getting nervous about Christmas. You're worried you haven't been good? That's just one question. It's all relative. What's Santa's definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven't KILLED anybody. See, that's good, right? I haven't committed any felonies. I didn't start any wars. I don't practice cannibalism. Wouldn't you say that's pretty good? Wouldn't you say I should get lots of presents? But maybe good is more than the absence of bad. See, THAT's what worries me. ...OK, assuming I can get an overnight letter to the north pole, what would you charge to write me a glowing character reference? Oh no, I'm not going to perjure myself for you! MY record's clean!

Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!

Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!

This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.

I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.

OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.

If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of "instant gratification" is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick.

So long, Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the north pole. The north pole? Yep! We're going to see Santa. How come? You already sent him your Christmas list. Yeah, but I'm afraid Santa might not have considered MY version of certain recent events. Hobbes is going to be my lawyer and present my case. Just how recent are these recent events you're talking about? Gotta go, Mom. It's a long walk.

OK, here's our strategy: when we get to the north pole, we tell Santa that I've been the victim of malicious slander by my enemies, and we're appealing to him for justice. We say that I'm really a GOOD kid... a good kid with a good heart! We say I'm good, good, good, from the moment I get up until... Hey! There's Susie! ... until the moment a thought enters your head. I don't think she saw us! Quick, pack some slushballs!

Susie's still concentrating on her snowman! Let's sneak up and barrage her with slushballs! Two minutes ago we were on our way to tell Santa how GOOD you are, remember? Have you lost your marbles?! Oops. I forgot. How many presents do you think I'd forfeit for just one clean smack upside Susie's head?

Look, I'm not going to be your lawyer if you can't even walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball! It's not just "someone"! It's SUSIE! It's a GIRL! Santa would understand! He would so! What? Oh yeah? I don't care! I'm going to hit Susie with a big, icy slushball! Oh really? Well, maybe that furry mug of YOURS needs a slushball, too! Yeah, you heard me! Ow! No biting! Shh! Shh! Hold it! ... did you just hear a snicker?

Plotting to hit me with a slushball, eh? Well, HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her, it's justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. It's your big chance... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD!

Back from the north pole already? No, we didn't even get past Susie's house. But Mom, I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didn't even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean, um, we were just minding our business when suddenly, for no reason, Susie... OK, you lied. Do something good fast, and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral.

Eighty million years ago, back in the late Cretaceous, lived the great tyrannosaur, a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epotomized the concept of the killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T.Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage mesozoic maniac! Imagin, then, the panic caused, the horror and the mayhem, when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother howard. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed, because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Blow your nose, dear. Achgth! Tck! Nhggrr!

Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??

Psst! Wake up! Merry Christmas, ol' buddy! Merry christmas. I didn't get you a present, but you're my best friend in the world, Hobbes. You're my best friend, too. I think that's a great gift. Well, enough of that! It's almost 4 am! Let's wake up Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought us! Remember we agreed that if Santa gave you any salmon, you'd share it!

I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good, it's EASY for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME, even if it's just to get presents, should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course, in your case, the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!

My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.

Dear Santa, This year, I don't want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky, don't you think?

Dear Santa, Why is your operation in the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.

Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear "Smart" missile and a launcher. Instead, I got socks and a shirt. Obviously, you mixed up my order with someone else's. Let's get with the program, huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization.

Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.

OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day.

Oh man, Susie's right in range! It's a clear shot! I can't miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. It's not even noon. I'll do 'em after lunch. Look, doing ten good acts isn't going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area, don't you think? Don't expect to play with all MY presents when you don't get any.

My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.

SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope.

Here! It's a comic book! It's MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free, and only touch the mylar bag, and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages, and try not to exhale too much moisture, OK?! Don't mess it up! THERE! That's one spontaneous act of good will! I hope you're satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!!

Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom, I'm guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots, but I'm (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will, Santa! You'd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE 'EM ON!

One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! I'll bet Santa's loading up the sleigh right now! He's got millions of deliveries, right? He couldn't possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made, I don't have to impress him any more! I'm free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe he's loading your stuff last, just to see what you do. You think? Well, maybe. Geez, he's a tough ol' geezer! Well, what's one more day? ...sigh...

Dear Santa, Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I don't want at all. What's the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Can't you read?? Or are you just a vindictive, twisted elf, bent on destroying kids' dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know, but it felt good to write it.

Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps.

Dear Santa, Hello, I am Calvin's new baby brother, Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please don't confuse MY list with Calvin's. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man, if Santa falls for this, I'll add a new brother every year! "Melville"?

There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.

What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.

Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing.

Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!

This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.

I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.

OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.

OK boys, have we loaded everything? Ah, there's still the matter of this Calvin, sir. His list is 30 pages long, not including the supplement about incendiary weapons. The research dept. thought you should handle this one personally. Well, is he naughty or nice? Ah, a bit problematic, chief... here's his dossier. Ohhh yes, the "noodle incident" kid... That was a while ago, boss. he says he was framed, and we've had trouble verifying the particulars. Accounts seem to vary. What about all these slushballs thrown at the girl down the street? My my my! No dispute there. Surveillance documents some 400 incidents, but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. Hmm... don't they all. A tiger vouches for the kid's character... says the kid tries to be sort of good if he's not tempted otherwise. What do his parents say? Here's the Dad's comments. We're looking into the sarcasm factor. all right. I've made up my mind. Is the boy asleep yet? Ah, no. He's wide awake. Santa won't come until we're asleep, you know. I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!

Dear Santa, Hi, It's me, Calvin. I have been extremely good* this year. Obviously, you're hoping Santa won't read the long, fine print disclosure in the footnote. I got the idea from car ads.

Dear Santa, This year, please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Also, I would encourage you to interpret "reasonable doubt" as broadly as possible. That's probably a bad way to start.

Do you think there's an evil Santa? An EVIL Santa?? Yeah, like Santa's deranged twin brother, or something! He'd make toys for all the BAD girls and boys! Evil Santa would give all the dangerous, annoying, and corrupting toys your parents won't allow! And if you're good? He punishes you with shirts and underwear.

Dear Santa, Before I submit my life to your moral scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the master of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, huh??? What gives you the right?! Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to. Oh. Time to prepare my appelate case.

I see you, Calvin, and you'd better not throw that snowball! I'm mailing a letter to Santa right now! Is the envelope already sealed? Yes, but I could write a P.S. on the back. Do you have a pen? As a matter of fact, I do. I'll bet she's bluffing but this isn't the time of year to tempt fate.

Ooh, this is toasty! Thank you, Earth leader! That's my Christmas stocking! They're going away with our stockings! Santa can't fill 'em with loot! I'm sure Santa knows we did a nice thing and he'll work it all out. Hey yeah, I did something GOOD! We're talking jackpot! We're talking multiple trips from the pole to haul it all! Your selflessness is the hope of the season.

What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?