Your search found 108 comics:22 DEC 1985 Script There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! "Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... " Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
Description Calvin finishes building a snow fortress. As he and Hobbes are inside, Calvin rants about being invincible. That the fort is impenetrable, and that they rule and are immune to any onslaught. Calvin then looks over at Hobbes, who is grinning widely. Hobbes then smacks Calvin with a snowball.
Appears In 05 JAN 1986 Script I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
Description Calvin smacks Susie in the back of the head with a snowball. Susie, enraged, rolls up a huge snowball. Calvin taunts Susie about the size of the snowball and her inability to throw it. Susie walks up to Calvin, picks him up, and deposits him in the snowball.
Appears In 06 FEB 1986 Script Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
Description Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready.
Appears In 14 FEB 1986 Script Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
Description Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.
Appears In 08 JAN 1987 Script Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
Description Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.
Appears In 18 JAN 1987 Script Should I or shouldn't I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh, don't play innocent with me, you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, it takes one to know one, Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises, promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin, time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...
Description Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.
Appears In 08 FEB 1987 Script Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.
Appears In 10 FEB 1987 Script Wanna call that a single, or give this up?
Description Hobbes carefully makes a snowball and throws it. Calvin swings his bat and hits the snowball. PIFF! Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to call that a single or give this up.
Appears In 21 JUNE 1987 Script Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! I've got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! I'm a genius! A sheer genius! Susie's playing on the sidewalk! Now's my chance to use the snowball I've been saving in the freezer! She'll never expect a snowball in June! Boy, will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There must've been a cross breeze! I can't believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening.
Description Calvin gleefully pulls out a snowball from the freezer. Susie is playing on the sidewalk. Calvin knows she'll never expect a snowball in June. He sneaks up on her and throws. PIFF! He misses her. He starts ranting about how he had bad luck. He figures there was a cross-wind. While Calvin is complaining, Susie repacks the snowball and looks at Calvin. POW! Calvin lies on the sidewalk with his face covered in snow as Susie walks off smiling. Calvin says the irony of this is just sickening.
Appears In 01 JAN 1988 Script Whap! I'm glad to see you're inside. It's handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off.
Description Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off.
Appears In 02 JAN 1988 Script My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind it's thick wall, I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! You're supposed to attack from that side of the fort, dummy!!
Description Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort.
Appears In 10 JAN 1988 Script Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.
Description Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.
Appears In 07 FEB 1988 Script I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes.
Description Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.
Appears In 04 JAN 1989 Script This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
Description Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.
Appears In 08 JAN 1989 Script C'mon, we'd better go outside for a while. How come? Mom's getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK, the main fortress will be a wall five feet high, and go from here down over that hill, with turrets every 50 feet. Over here we'll build an inner wall, in case we have to retreat, and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesn't pack too well, does it? It's not wet enough. Gosh, it'll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. I'm cold. Me, too. Let's go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall, after the moat. Say, I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
Description Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.
Appears In 14 JAN 1989 Script Look, I put a snowball on top of this snowman's head. Now I'll be the next William Tell, and I'll hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched!
Description Calvin puts a snowball on the head of a snowman. He's going to be the next William Tell, and he'll hit the snowball clean off. He throws a snowball. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says "ouch". Calvin complains that he flinched.
Appears In 19 JAN 1989 Script Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! It's your own grave you're digging, buster!
Description Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.
Appears In 22 JAN 1989 Script OK, let's see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph, and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didn't even hear me sneak up. Now I'll cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didn't even notice! You're the worst shot in the world, Calvin! If it wasn't for gravity, you probably couldn't even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted, I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently?
Description Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.
Appears In 28 JAN 1989 Script Hey, Susie, stand on this "X". Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? C'mon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought.
Description Calvin asks Susie to stand on the "X" he made in the snow. Susie asks why. Calvin says there's no reason. He dares her. She refuses, then walks away. Calvin pleads for her to do it, but Susie tells him to get lost. Calvin looks at his bunch of snowballs sitting on a plank lying on top a log. He says this may not work out as well as he thought.
Appears In 19 FEB 1989 Script What's this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good, huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! I'll hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy, thinking it's me! Your enemies must not be very bright. That's why they're out to get me. They can't stand my genius. Hey, Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down, will ya? How can I hide when you're yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked.
Description Calvin builds a snowman he is using as a Calvin decoy. He dresses the snowman in his hat and coat. He tells Hobbes he's going to hide behind the tree and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy. He'll find out who his enemies are. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says Calvin's enemies must not be too bright. Calvin agrees, saying that's why they're out to get him. They can't stand his genius. As Calvin hides behind the tree, Hobbes yells that he sees a way his plan might fail. Calvin tells him to quiet down. Hobbes smacks Calvin with a snowball. Calvin, poking out upside down from the snow, says his plan to discover his enemies was a complete success. Hobbes says it's too bad he took off his hat and coat, because he must be soaked.
Appears In 22 FEB 1989 Script I wish snow was dry, so that you didn't get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again, if snow was dry, you couldn't pack it into snowballs. That wouldn't be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldn't that be fun? ... Well no, actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck, it's OK just the way it is. We're glad you approve.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes snow was dry so you didn't get all cold and wet when you play in it. Then, he mentions that you couldn't make snowballs, which is bad. He then wishes it snowed in summer. But that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. As he and Hobbes walk away, he decides things are okay as they are. Hobbes is glad he approves.
Appears In 24 FEB 1989 Script I think our snow forts are too far apart.
Description Calvin and Hobbes are each in a snow fort. There is a bunch of snowballs lying on the snow in front of each fort. Calvin says he thinks their snow forts are too far apart.
Appears In 03 DEC 1989 Script YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.
Description Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.
Appears In 17 DEC 1989 Script There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Description Hobbes brings Calvin a letter from the "North Pole". Calvin opens the note and reads that he's a rotten little kid, he's obviously the naughtiest kid in the whole world, but he has seven days to get on the "good boy" list. The note suggests being kind to animals. Perhaps an animal who would like a snack soon, or one who could read his comic books sometime. It's signed "Santa Claws". Calvin recognizes the handwriting. It is from Hobbes. Calvin offers Hobbes a knuckle sandwich for a snack.
Appears In 27 DEC 1989 Script New hat, Dad? Yep. I like it. Thank you. So do I. AAUGH! You're going to be late for work, Dad!
Description Calvin is standing in the snow watching Dad walk by. Calvin asks if Dad is wearing a new hat. Dad says yes. Calvin says he likes it, and Dad says he does, also. Calvin makes a snowball. Dad's briefcase is lying on the sidewalk next to his new hat which has snow around it. Off screen, Calvin yells that Dad is going to be late for work.
Appears In 29 DEC 1989 Script I SEE YOU, HOBBES! MAN, WHAT A LOUSY SHOT! TIGERS CAN'T THROW WORTH A ... SMACK! I just threw the first one so you'd turn around.
Description A snowball flies over Calvin's head. He turns and says he sees Hobbes. He says Hobbes is a lousy shot. The next snowball smacks Calvin right in the face. Hobbes comes over and says he just threw the first one so Calvin would turn around.
Appears In 01 JAN 1990 Script No text
Description Calvin makes a snowball and rolls it down the hill. He watches it go down, then cheers. At the bottom of the hill, under a huge snowball, Susie yells back up the hill at Calvin.
Appears In 04 JAN 1990 Script No text
Description Calvin throws a snowball at Susie that goes over her head. She makes fun of Calvin. He storms off with an angry expression. Susie looks started. She runs off with Calvin in close pursuit. He has a shovel full of snow in his hand.
Appears In 07 JAN 1990 Script I've decided to be more of a "people" person, and make more friends. How come? I don't get enough presents. From now on, I'm devoting myself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. After all, no man is an island. We all need love and the support of others. We're social beings with social needs. So as of today, my goal is to be one with my fellow man, to develop and foster those deep connections that ... just a minute ... Hey Susie! Heads up!! Ha ha!! Augh help help I've changed my mind, Hobbes. People are scum. I think TRUE happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
Description Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.
Appears In 02 FEB 1990 Script WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball, all right! That's the problem with having a signature style.
Description WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style.
Appears In 03 FEB 1990 Script HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? You're darn lucky I didn't get a snow blower for Christmas!
Description Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas.
Appears In 13 FEB 1990 Script Readyyy.. Aimmm...
Description Calvin makes a big snowball. He makes another and sets it on top the first. He makes a snowman standing against a tree. He puts a blindfold on it and a stick in its mouth. Calvin gets a snowball in his hand and says ready, aim...
Appears In 17 FEB 1990 Script AARGHH! I MISSED! It's these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to 'em and you can't throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good, awful, rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well I'll be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads!
Description Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads.
Appears In 23 FEB 1990 Script Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
Description Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be "bad". Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death.
Appears In 02 DEC 1990 Script Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Description Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.
Appears In 16 DEC 1990 Script If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of "instant gratification" is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick.
Description Calvin thinks nobody could be watching every kid every minute. He says Santa's old. He figures Santa makes just random checks on them once or twice a week. He tells Hobbes Santa would catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Now that Calvin is on to Santa, he's going to smack Susie with a snowball. If he does it quick, the odds of Santa catching him are virtually nil. Hobbes asks what if Susie tells on him. He hadn't thought of that. He drops the snowball. He walks off with Hobbes saying he hopes Santa's watching now, seeing as he's being so good. Hobbes says he's unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Appears In 22 DEC 1990 Script Back from the north pole already? No, we didn't even get past Susie's house. But Mom, I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didn't even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean, um, we were just minding our business when suddenly, for no reason, Susie... OK, you lied. Do something good fast, and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral.
Description Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days.
Appears In 30 DEC 1990 Script The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball, the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyone's a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball, it's a work of art! This snow, for example, is just a little too powdery. It won't sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! It's a lost tradition, I tell you! My snowballs aren't assembly line productions! They take me longer to make, but each one is a unique masterpiece! That's why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. It's a crass culture, Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes he's getting disillusioned with these New Years. He says they don't seem new at all. Each new year is just like the old year. Another year's gone by, and everything is still the same. There's still pollution, war, stupidity, and greed. Things haven't changed. He asks what kind of future this is. He thought things were supposed to improve. He thought the future was supposed to be better. Hobbes says the problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Appears In 03 JAN 1991 Script Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look, it's given him an idea! He's packing more snow onto himself! He's making himself bigger! Oh NO!
Description Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger.
Appears In 04 JAN 1991 Script He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!
Description The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon.
Appears In 08 JAN 1991 Script Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. I'll say! The walls are two feet thick and we've got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? There's a snow goon running loose! If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. This could get ugly. What's a snow goon? It's like a snow man, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster. Oh, is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean, "all those"?
Description Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".
Appears In 24 JAN 1991 Script WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who, me? Who, ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who, me???
Description WHAP! Susie gets hit in the back of the head with a snowball. She angrily asks Calvin if he threw that. Calvin points to himself and asks "Who, me". Calvin lies in the snow. At home, he stands in front of a mirror practicing saying "Who, me" to sound more convincing next time.
Appears In 26 JAN 1991 Script No text
Description Calvin throws a snowball. Hobbes walks over to Calvin while brushing off snow from his shoulder. Calvin looks worried. Hobbes puts Calvin on the ground. Calvin is stuck, rolled up in the middle of a big snowball.
Appears In 11 FEB 1991 Script There's Susie! Heh heh! Watch me knock her fillings loose! YAAA! PIFF You know, I THOUGHT Earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. I guess that explains how you spilled your oatmeal down the heater this morning.
Description Calvin prepares a snowball to throw at Susie. He tells Hobbes to watch him knock her fillings loose. Calvin throws the snowball. PIFF! It falls a couple feet away. They look at the fallen snowball. Calvin tells Hobbes he thought earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. Hobbes figures that explains why Calvin spilled his oatmeal down the heater that morning.
Appears In 12 FEB 1991 Script Obviously I can't throw snowballs at Susie when Earth's gravity has increased. THIS is a job for... ...for? Mom must've put my cape in the wrong drawer!
Description Calvin and Hobbes are still looking at the snowball. Calvin says he can't throw snowballs at Susie if the earth's gravity has increased. Calvin says "This is a job for..." and runs off. Hobbes stands puzzled. Hobbes goes back inside the house to see Calvin rummaging through his dresser drawers. He has his Stupendous Man cowl on. As he tosses clothes aside, he says Mom must have put his cape in the wrong drawer.
Appears In 14 FEB 1991 Script Earth's excessive gravity is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous strength! With muscules of magnitude, the masked man of might rolls a gigantic snowball... and flies it high into the stratosphere... where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend ANNOYING GIRL!
Description Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Man's strength. The masked man of might makes a gigantic snowball, flies high into the stratosphere, where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend, Annoying Girl. Susie is walking down the sidewalk.
Appears In 15 FEB 1991 Script From high in the sky, STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earth's strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished, the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin, Susie's Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
Description Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.
Appears In 16 FEB 1991 Script Susie's Mom says you dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. It couldn't have been ME! I'm very mild mannered. She described exactly the hood and cape I made you. Why, it must've been STUPENDOUS MAN, defender of liberty and justice! I'm sure Susie deserved whatever she got. Listen to me. You could hurt someone that way, and if I ever hear of anything like this again, I'll take away your costume for good, got it? Hmm, this sounds like ANOTHER job for Stupendous Man! Actually, it doesn't sound like QUITE his type of job.
Description Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.
Appears In 24 FEB 1991 Script Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, "I'm home." Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
Description Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
Appears In 10 NOV 1991 Script ... sighhhh... We've been out here half an hour and nobody's attacked our fort. We don't have enough enemies, that's our problem. We're just too darn popular. Yeah, everybody likes us because we're so great. It's true. And of course, I'm a genius, so people are naturally drawn to my fiery intellect. Their admiration overwhelms their envy. Actually, I believe jungle cats are held in higher esteem, whereas one can hardly take a kid out in public. Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occassion. Whaddaya MEAN kids can't go out in public?!? At least kids don't have FLEAS! That's only because fleas can't stand the way kids SMELL! By golly, you're asking for a snowball in the mouth! You can't threaten me! I've got snowballs too! PIFF PAFF PEFF POOF PUFF You know, maybe we don't NEED enemies. Yeah, best friends are all I can take.
Description
Appears In 22 DEC 1991 Script I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good, it's EASY for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME, even if it's just to get presents, should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course, in your case, the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!
Description
Appears In 04 FEB 1992 Script It's no surprise to ME that nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
Description Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
Appears In 08 FEB 1992 Script OH SURE! NICE TRY! Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!
Description Susie walks through the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn".
Appears In 10 FEB 1992 Script Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework now? I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem. It is Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am. Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus? Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired".
Description Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired".
Appears In 11 FEB 1992 Script See, Hobbes, we shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. That's why I've stopped doing homework. I don't need to learn things to like myself. I'm fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough, don't you?
Description As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.
Appears In 16 FEB 1992 Script 15 bucks a glass?! That's right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Where's the demand?! I don't see any demand! There's LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise, I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company, I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee, I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN there's overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well, I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? "Caveat Emptor" is the motto we stand behind! I'd have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. You're out of your mind. I'm going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! It's you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized.
Description Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.
Appears In 22 FEB 1992 Script I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! I'm not scared! You couldn't hit the side of a barn! C'mon, throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously, you could never have done that if my taunts hadn't boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks.
Description Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him.
Appears In 11 DEC 1992 Script Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.
Description Calvin has a snowball. He wants to paste someone with it. He figures each snowball he throws will cost him one present from Santa. He looks at the snowball and says he wishes he knew if Santa was bringing him any underwear.
Appears In 18 DEC 1992 Script OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day.
Description Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day.
Appears In 20 DEC 1992 Script My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Description Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic.
Appears In 21 DEC 1992 Script SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope.
Description Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope.
Appears In 16 JAN 1993 Script Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out.
Description In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out.
Appears In 17 JAN 1993 Script Blecchhh. "TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing, END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay, THERE'S the rub! ... for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause." Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Let's not have this ever again.
Description In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take.
Appears In 22 JAN 1993 Script Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someone's precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk?
Description Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk.
Appears In 23 JAN 1993 Script It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
Description Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for.
Appears In 24 JAN 1993 Script Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know, I don't understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Well, it can't stay that way forever. You think we'll get smarter. That's one of the two possibilities. Maybe we'll stop polluting before it's too late. We're all holding our breath.
Description The dinosaur comes out attacking another. Calvin hits Susie with a snowball. She gets up. The second dinosaur chases the attacking one. Calvin closes his front door, marches upstairs, and throws away his book on dinosaurs.
Appears In 08 FEB 1993 Script Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
Description In poem, Calvin talks about a snowball packed with care smacking a head that's unaware. With freezing ice to spare, it melts and soaks through underwear. He tells the snowball to fly true, hit square, he tells the snowball that's his prayer. He says he only throws consecrated snowballs.
Appears In 10 FEB 1993 Script Nobody can make me go inside! I've got 200 snowballs that say I'm staying OUT! No one's gonna make ME come in the house! DOESN'T ANYBODY MISS ME?!?
Description Calvin has 200 snowballs in his snow fort. He says nobody's going to make him come in the house. He waits, and waits. He opens the door to the house, asking if anybody misses him.
Appears In 13 FEB 1993 Script SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
Description Calvin hits someone with a snowball. He laughs, saying that was hilarious. He gets hit by a snowball. He says a joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
Appears In 14 FEB 1993 Script 140 million years ago, the incredible 'ultrasaurs' wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons, and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! It's... it's a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it, the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like you've hit the sewer pipe.
Description Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be "best tiger", and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love.
Appears In 17 FEB 1993 Script I'm making a monumental, heroic snow sculpture. It will be called "The Triumph of Perseverence." Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. You're through? I'm bored.
Description Calvin's making a heroic snow sculpture. He has one snowball made. He will call it "The Triumph of Perseverance". Hobbes asks what it will look like. Calvin says like this. Hobbes asks if he's through. Calvin says he's bored.
Appears In 18 FEB 1993 Script It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Description Susie sees a sign saying there is an important message with an arrow. She runs over to see another sign, saying the next sign has the important message. She gets to the sign which reads "Look out". Above the sign, in the tree, Calvin drops a big snowball. He says it's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Appears In 19 FEB 1993 Script Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I can't wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it.
Description Calvin makes what he says is the biggest snowball in the world. He can't wait to hit someone with it. Hobbes asks how he's going to pick it up. Calvin is mortified. He says reality continues to ruin his life. Hobbes suggests he could put it someplace someone will walk into it.
Appears In 12 DEC 1993 Script POW! SMACK!
Description Hobbes throws a snowball to Calvin, who hits it with a bat. He takes off on his sled, going down the hill. Hobbes makes a snowball as Calvin goes around a tree and a bush. Hobbes throws the snowball and knocks Calvin off the sled. Hobbes says there are two outs. Calvin says he should have stayed at second base. Hobbes reminds him he has a snowman at third. Calvin loves a good game of speed sled base snow ball.
Appears In 17 DEC 1993 Script No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Description Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy.
Appears In 19 DEC 1993 Script There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Description Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of "Night before Christmas". Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say "thank you" or "you're welcome". He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere. Santa writes bad boys and girls will be the ones to get the toys. Calvin wakes up. He frowns and lies in bed. He hates being good six days until Christmas. He doesn't think he'll make it.
Appears In 20 DEC 1993 Script The day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Description Calvin builds snowballs. He keeps adding to his pile. Hobbes comes over and looks up at the mountain of snowballs. Calvin tells him the day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Appears In 21 DEC 1993 Script Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
Description Calvin has a snowball and comments throwing it would give him certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing the snowballs in hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and uncertain pleasure. Calvin looks at the mountain of snowballs. He says that as usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
Appears In 22 DEC 1993 Script What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Description Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Appears In 23 DEC 1993 Script I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining!
Description Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them.
Appears In 24 DEC 1993 Script Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing.
Description A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing.
Appears In 29 DEC 1993 Script AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well.
Description Calvin has a huge snowball on a plank, held up by a log. He jumps on the other end of the plank. The snowball barely climbs up and falls on top of him. He tells Hobbes he meant to do that. Hobbes tells him it worked very well.
Appears In 06 JAN 1994 Script Incredibly, people NEVER expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. I'll see you in your room momentarily.
Description Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.
Appears In 07 JAN 1994 Script If anyone hits me with a snowball, I'll hit HIM with 250 snowballs! What if somebody hits YOU with 250 snowballs? ...sighhh...
Description Calvin has a mountain of snowballs. He tells Hobbes that if anyone hits him with a snowball, he'll hit that person with 250 snowballs. Hobbes asks what happens if someone hits Calvin with 250 snowballs. Calvin looks at his mountain of snowballs. He sighs and keeps making more snowballs.
Appears In 13 JAN 1994 Script Yes! POW. Wasn't that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend would've been happy for me!
Description Calvin hits Hobbes with a snowball. He asks if Hobbes noticed what a great shot that was and if he noticed the top spin. Hobbes gets out of the snow angrily. Calvin's clothes are hanging from a tree branch out of reach. Calvin stands in his underwear in the snow. He says a real friend would have been happy for him.
Appears In 17 JAN 1994 Script OK, these are my footprints. Here I stop, hear something, and start to turn around. A few feet farther on, there's the impression of my body as I hit the ground. These are the powdered remains of the snowball that hit me. From the angle of particle dispersement, we can tell the snowball was thrown from over here, where we find... ...tiger tracks. Those could by ANYBODY's tiger tracks.
Description Calvin shows Hobbes his footprints in the snow. He shows an impression of his body when he hit the ground. He sees powdered remains of a snowball that hit him. He can tell the snowball was thrown from over by a tree, based on the angle of particle dispersement. He sees tiger tracks. Hobbes says those could be anybody's tiger tracks.
Appears In 18 JAN 1994 Script POW! I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant. Some people sure can't take a compliment.
Description Calvin throws a snowball and hits Susie. As she marches over to him, he says the stinging snow makes her cheeks look radiant. As he lies in the snow, Calvin says some people can't take a compliment.
Appears In 20 JAN 1994 Script Circumstantial evidence, that's all you've got! You can't get a fair trial in this town.
Description Susie sees a snowball pass overhead. Several others come, some hitting her. She walks over to Calvin, who is standing next to a wheelbarrow. He tells her all she has is circumstantial evidence. As he lies in the snow, he says you can't get a fair trial in this town.
Appears In 16 FEB 1994 Script DING DONG. Heh heh heh. Oh! Oop! ...um... Hi, Mrs. Derkins. I was hoping Susie would answer the ...uh... I mean, um, I'm selling huge snowballs. Would you like to buy one? My "Plan A's" are great, but my "Plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
Description Calvin rings Susie's doorbell with a big snowball. He lifts it to hit Susie when she opens the door. Susie's Mom answers. Calvin tries to cover up by saying he's selling snowballs. Calvin walks off saying his "plan A's" are great, but his "plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
Appears In 17 FEB 1994 Script POW! LOOK OUT! My snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. They do not, you big liar!
Description Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. After it hits, he yells to look out. Hobbes says his snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. Calvin, covered with snow, says they do not and calls Hobbes a liar.
Appears In 25 FEB 1994 Script I bet I can knock Dad's hat off with this snowball. I bet you can't/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. You're on, fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy, five inches higher would've done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2,500 so far.
Description Calvin bets he can knock Dad's hat off with a snowball. Hobbes bets a hundred dollars he can't. Calvin tosses the snowball. In bed later, Calvin grumbles that five inches higher would have done it. He says Hobbes always gets him in trouble. Hobbes reminds Calvin he owes him $2500 so far.
Appears In 03 MAR 1994 Script There! Whatcha doin'? I've hidden a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard! Now when my enemies come after me, I need only run to the nearest tree to be instantly armed. Ingenious. Now I need to make some enemies. I'll be one.
Description Calvin has a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard. He tells Hobbes when his enemies come for him, he just has to run to the nearest tree to be armed. He says he needs to make some enemies. Behind his back, Hobbes grabs a snowball and says he'll be one.
Appears In 16 OCT 1994 Script POW! Did you throw that snowball at me?! What snowball? Ohhhh. Don't play innocent with ME, buster! That snowball had your name written all over it! Oh yeah?! Yeah! It was sneaky, fiendish, vicious, treacherous, grim, and ruthless! Put all that together and it spells "tiger"! No it doesn't! It spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts!" Ooh, THAT does it! Ow! Hey! Stop that! Quit it! Leggo! No fair! No biting! Hey Calvin, you should have seen your expression when I hit you with that snowball! Ha ha! Ah hehh...
Description
Appears In 30 DEC 1994 Script Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
Description
Appears In 10 JAN 1995 Script I'm ready for anything! Are you ready for unconditional surrender? That above all else.
Description In his snow fort, Calvin says he's ready for anything. A barrage of snowballs blasts him. Hobbes asks if he's ready for unconditional surrender. Lying under a pile of snowballs, Calvin replies "that above all else".
Appears In 20 JAN 1995 Script Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy HA HA HA HA HA HA. Obviously I've tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
Description Calvin makes a snowball and starts chuckling. He continues to laugh as he finishes the snowball. He stops. He looks at the snowball and says that obviously he's tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
Appears In 30 JAN 1995 Script In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HE'D thought of putting snow in his thermos.
Description Calvin opens his lunch. He pours out the contents of his Thermos bottle and starts making snowballs. He readies his throw and says in two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish he'd thought of putting snow in his Thermos.
Appears In 09 FEB 1995 Script As I have created you, so I can destroy you! Therefore, in recognition of my supreme power, you must worship me! Yes, bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble, for I am the eternal, all knowing... PAFF
Description Calvin makes a snowman bowing down to him. Calvin tells him that as he created the snowman, he can destroy it. He says in recognition of his power, the snowman must worship him. He tells the snowman to bow before mighty Calvin. He is the eternal, all knowing.... Susie smacks him from behind with a snowball.
Appears In 10 FEB 1995 Script PIFF. I didn't do it! I never threw that! You can't prove I threw it! Besides, I MISSED, didn't I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent.
Description Susie is just missed by a snowball. Calvin says he didn't do it. She can't prove he did it. Then he says that besides, he missed. Lying in the snow, Calvin says the defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds his lawyer is incompetent.
Appears In 12 FEB 1995 Script Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Description Calvin makes a snowball and runs off. He hides behind a tree, waiting. He keeps waiting, and waiting. Finally, he throws the snowball at the tree and walks off. SMACK! Susie hits him with a snowball and laughs at him. Calvin angrily shakes his fist to the sky.
Appears In 12 NOV 1995 Script Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
Description There is a map, drawn to shop a sled ride down Mt. Vertigo, though the woods, going to the pine tree. The map shows picking up hidden snowballs and blasting Susie. It shows a getaway, and ending with a jump into an impenetrable fortress. Calvin looks around wishing it would snow.
Appears In 04 DEC 1995 Script I KNEW I should've thrown than snowball sooner!
Description At his desk, Calvin looks around. He opens his desk. He is shocked. He says he knew he should have thrown that snowball sooner.
Appears In 09 DEC 1995 Script I see you, Calvin, and you'd better not throw that snowball! I'm mailing a letter to Santa right now! Is the envelope already sealed? Yes, but I could write a P.S. on the back. Do you have a pen? As a matter of fact, I do. I'll bet she's bluffing but this isn't the time of year to tempt fate.
Description Susie sees Calvin and tells him not to throw a snowball. She's mailing a letter to Santa. Calvin asks if the letter is sealed. It is, but Susie says she could add a P.S. on the back. Calvin asks if she has a pen. She says she does. Calvin is sure she's bluffing, but he isn't going to tempt fate at that time of year. He drops the snowball.
Appears In 10 DEC 1995 Script Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
Description Calvin is hit by a snowball. He asks Hobbes if he threw the snowball. Hobbes doesn't know what he's talking about. Calvin accuses him of being sneaky, grim, and ruthless. He says that spells "tiger". Hobbes says it spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts". They start fighting. Susie comes over and tells Calvin he should have seen his expression when she hit him with the snowball. She laughs and walks away. Calvin thinks. He looks at Hobbes, who then pelts Calvin with snowballs for having accused him.
Appears In 12 DEC 1995 Script I have 200 snowballs! I am utterly invincible! I can act with total impunity! I can do whatever I want! So just hang on while I decide what that is!
Description Calvin has 200 snowballs. He declares himself invincible. He says he can do whatever he wants. He stands there. He says everyone should hang on until he decides what that is.
Appears In 13 DEC 1995 Script With 200 snowballs at my immediate disposal, I have no opposition! My will is law! I am omnipotent! How boring.
Description Calvin declares with 200 snowballs at his disposal, he has no opposition. His will is law. He is omnipotent. He stands there. He says "how boring".
Appears In 24 DEC 1995 Script What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Description One of Santa's elves wants him to look at Calvin's list. It includes a supplement on incendiary weapons. Santa asks if Calvin's naughty or nice. The elf hands Santa the dossier. Santa notices "the noodle incident". The elf says they have had trouble verifying the particulars of that case. Santa notices all the snowballs Calvin has thrown at Susie. The elf says that surveillance documents 400 incidents. The elf says the tiger vouches for the kid's character. Santa asks for the parents' comments. The elf indicates they're looking into the sarcasm factor. Santa says he's made up his mind and asks if Calvin's asleep. The elf says he is wide awake. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin Santa won't come until they're asleep. Calvin can't take the suspense.
Appears In 25 DEC 1995 Script You say my present from you is outside? It's over here. A pile of ready-made snowballs! I wanted to give you something practical. You're the best, Hobbes, ol' buddy! Thanks! Merry Christmas. I suppose it would be wrong to throw these at YOU... I made my own pile, just in case.
Description Hobbes' present for Calvin is outside. Hobbes gave him a pile of ready-made snowballs. Calvin hugs Hobbes and says he's the best. He supposes it would be wrong to throw the snowballs at Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he made his own pile, just in case.
Appears In
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This page is strictly a tribute to Calvin & Hobbes, the best comic ever, and two of the best characters who have taught me so much over many years. It is meant for research purposes only.