Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to put his tiger in his locker. Calvin protests that Hobbes would suffocate. Miss Wormwood allows Calvin to put Hobbes under his seat. Calvin is relieved and promptly asks Hobbes for some math assistance.

Calvin looks at his dinner plate and asks Dad what it is. Dad replies Calvin should taste it, he'll like it. Calvin thinks you know you'll hate it when they won't tell you what it is.

Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.

Dad is informed his poll scores are low, especially with 6-year-olds. Dad will have to adopt some key planks to keep his position. Dad comments that some special interest groups are going to be in for a surprise.

Miss Wormwood calls to Calvin about not paying attention. Spaceman Spiff shoots the atomic napalm neutralizer at the snarling cur, but to no avail. Spiff runs off to a nearby cave, where he smells something awful. Suddenly, a light comes on, and Spiff finds himself in the midst of several monsters. Calvin runs out of the teachers lounge, as they ask who that was.

Calvin is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth watching soap operas. He hears dialog about Mary's skimpy negligee, about the couple being married (but to other people), and a plan to murder their spouses. Calvin thinks he learns more when he stays home from school.

Calvin is playing with some toys. He has a sports car going 200 miles an hour. He has a cement truck coming in. Then, he has an inflammable chemical truck driving up. Calvin looks up and says this ought to be good.

Calvin is hammering nails into a table. Mom runs out yelling, asking Calvin what he's doing. Calvin looks at the nails in the table and asks whether that's a trick question or something.

Calvin is sitting at the table with a bowl of oatmeal. Mom tells Calvin to eat the oatmeal, not play with it. The oatmeal jumps out of its bowl and bounces around the table. Calvin stabs at it while yelling "death to oatmeal". He chases the vile glop around. Mom comes to the kitchen and sees the mess. Mom then yells at Dad. She says it's Dad's fault they didn't have a sweet girl. It's his chromosome that was the problem. Dad watches Mom go off, sits back into his chair and says he just lives there.

Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.

Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.

The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something.

Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.

Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

Calvin goes to a florist to get a valentine bouquet. The worker comments on what a sweet little boy he is. Calvin doesn't see what he's looking for. When the worker asks if he had something special in mind, Calvin replies he was hoping for a dumpster he could root through.

As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.

Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality.

Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.

Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also.

Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".

Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, "4 Sale Cheep".

Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow.

Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.

Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game.

Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken.

Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans.

Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".

Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.

Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.

Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.

Calvin asks to watch the "Killer Prom Queen" on TV. Mom says no. Calvin asks if he has to eat the slimy asparagus. Mom says yes. Calvin asks if he can stay up until midnight. Mom says no. Calvin decides there is an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

Calvin wants to see what happens when popcorn is popped without a lid. First one, then several kernels go flying out of the pan. Calvin thinks that's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.

Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on their backs on the hill. Hobbes asks if Calvin believes there is a God. Calvin thinks about it, and decides that somebody's out to get him.

Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Hobbes doesn't want to put his worm on the hook. Neither does Calvin. Calvin decides to dump the worms into the water and net the fish when they come up for the worms. No fish comes, as the worms get soggy and sink. Calvin says they should go get some fast food hamburgers, which come in neat little boxes. Hobbes wonders who would want something that ate worms, anyway.

Calvin serves the volleyball. Hobbes jumps up and spikes it down. Calvin grabs the volleyball and says they should leave. They are standing next to a tennis net, and someone is coming to use the court.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Calvin runs into the house and yells to Mom that a big dog knocked him down and stole Hobbes. He holds her leg while saying he tried to catch him but couldn't. He's lost his best friend. Mom tells him that if he didn't carry Hobbes around everywhere, things like that wouldn't happen. Calvin says there isn't any problem you can't add guilt to and make it worse.

Calvin writes out a flyer saying Hobbes is lost. Mom suggests he describe Hobbes. Calvin writes that he's quiet, somewhat peculiar, a good companion in a weird way. Mom tells him that she meant to write what he looks like.

Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.

Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.

Spaceman Spiff is in his spacecraft. He fires his hyper-jets and blasts into the fifth dimension. Into a world beyond human comprehension, where time has no meaning. Calvin sits at his desk in class thinking this class lasts forever.

The fearsome shark senses distress in the water above. He circles in closer to the victim. Calvin rises up from the tub, teeth snapping, splashing water all over Mom. She comments that for someone who hates baths, he's not making things go any faster.

Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.

Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.

Calvin and Hobbes are out in the canoe. Calvin sees the dim outline of a whale. Hobbes thinks it was a rock. Calvin sees a giant eel slithering up from the bottom. Hobbes thinks it was a weed. Calvin sees the mast of a Spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Hobbes says it's a branch. Calvin comments on how boring it is, and that he wishes there was a movie theater nearby.

Calvin complains about the cold water. He's sure he'll go into shock and drown. He thinks the lifeguard is involved in an insurance scam and is trying to drown everyone. Rosalyn announces they're going to learn the "deadman's float". Calvin screams for his Mom. Rosalyn, with her hand over her face, laments what she puts up with to pay for college.

Calvin gets into the car, complaining to Mom about the forty minutes of terror. He wonders why he can't have hang gliding or sharpshooting lessons, maybe driving lessons. Mom tells him he starts piano lessons Tuesday. Calvin yells.

Calvin sees something in the dirt and says it must be a fossil. He picks up a coat hangar and wonders what peculiar animal that was. He knows it's not a bone and comments it might be a primitive hunting weapon or an eating utensil for cave men. He muses it might have a religious function. Hobbes now knows why Calvin's clothes stay on the floor.

Calvin is making a sign declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's Creek". He informs Hobbes that when you discover something, you can name it and put up a sign. Hobbes wonders what happens if you didn't really discover it. Calvin says that he did discover it because there isn't any other sign at the creek. When they arrive at the creek, there is already a sign. The sign reads "Hobs Crk", as Hobbes rolls his eyes and tries to look innocent.

Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.

Dad tells Calvin not to make faces at the dinner table. Calvin tells him about what Mom had said and indicates his face is now frozen like that. Dad tells him it isn't, but Calvin says he's now horribly disfigured for life. After Dad tells him he isn't, Calvin says he won't spoil dinner. He puts on a hooded mask and says he's like the elephant man.

Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.

Calvin drinks an elixir that makes him invisible. He walks out of the house, undetected. Mom calls for Calvin. She says whenever you want something done around there, the kid's nowhere to be seen.

Calvin sees a frog in the water and asks Hobbes to help him catch it. Hobbes doesn't want to get near it. Calvin asks why not. Hobbes informs him they drink water all day in case someone picks them up.

Calvin and Hobbes return to their tent after hearing scary campfire stories. Hobbes doesn't think he'll ever sleep again. Calvin thinks he hears something. Hobbes isn't sure, but Calvin thinks it sounded like breathing, drooling, and ripping meat off human bones. They run screaming to their tent. As they light dozens of floodlights and spotlights around their tent, Hobbes admits he's glad they carried a generator all that distance.

Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.

In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.

Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.

Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.

Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.

Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up.

Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be "cool" in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else.

Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed "Help, I'm a bug" on her note to Grandma.

Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.

Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.

Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".

Calvin shows Hobbes he can make a shadow animal. He makes a dog. Hobbes thinks it's pretty good. Calvin then tries to make a swan. Hobbes sees a bug-eyed tentacle thing. They both jump in fright, crawl under the covers, and yell for Mom.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he's going to dress up as for Halloween. Hobbes isn't sure yet. Calvin tells him the idea is to go as the scariest thing you can think of. Hobbes makes a fearsome face and says he might just go as himself. Calvin plans to go as a barrel of toxic waste.

Having eaten their Halloween candy, Hobbes says he feels awful. Calvin thinks if someone even mentions "Milk Duds", he'll barf. Calvin laments the passing of another Halloween. He says its always a letdown after a holiday. He decides they might as well go into town to look at the Christmas decorations.

Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants him to read her a story, since she reads stories to him when he's sick. Mom says she just wants to rest. Calvin sits on the edge of the bed and says "It's hard to be a mom for a mom". Mom sits up and gives Calvin a hug. She says he does fine. Calvin wants to know if she's contagious.

Calvin has it figured out. He tells Hobbes the play is no sweat. Hobbes asks if Calvin has his line memorized. Calvin replies that he doesn't. He figures he'll come on stage, do a little soft-shoe and ad-lib something. Hobbes wonders how he'll ad-lib something on dietary fiber. Calvin thinks he could also do his onion in mime.

Calvin asks Mom how his onion costume is coming. Mom is still working on it, and she wishes the class would do something less elaborate. Calvin says to be glad he's not Russy White, who has to be an amino acid. Calvin puts the costume on. He thinks it's "Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer".

Calvin angrily sits on his sled at the top of the hill. He's dressed for winter, but there's no snow on the ground. He yells for there to be snow. Suddenly, snow starts falling. Calvin runs off claiming to be psychokinetic. After he leaves, the snow stops. Hobbes is sitting on a tree branch with an empty bag of snow he dumped down. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests that Calvin will hate him for this.

Reading the newspaper, Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard to believe there are still starving people in the world. He says there is even hunger in America, that some people never get enough to eat. Hobbes holds his stomach and says he knows what that's like. Calvin says he does not.

Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He's lost his homework assignment and wants to know what they're supposed to read for tomorrow. Susie suggests he's calling for some other reason. Calvin wonders why else he would call her. She suggests he misses the melodious sound of her voice. Calvin says she's crazy, and he just wants the assignment. Susie wants to hear Calvin tell her he misses the sound of her voice. Calvin yells that "This is blackmail!".

Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with "zygomorphic" on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with "in". Hobbes scores 40 with "nucleoplasm". Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars.

Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink.

A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him.

Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him "OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!".

Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.

Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence.

Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".

Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.

Susie wipes a tear from her eye. She wonders why Calvin is so mean. She wishes she had a hundred friends, then she wouldn't care what Calvin said. She goes on to say she and her hundred friends would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone. But then, Susie sits down. She says that as long as she's dreaming, she also wants a pony.

Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

Hobbes looks at what he got in the mail. He says it's an invitation. Calvin wants to know who would invite him anywhere. Calvin says no one invites a tiger because you can't get the insurance. Hobbes says someone is inviting him. Calvin shouts for Hobbes to tell him who invited him and to read the invitation. Hobbes figures it's probably some big state dinner. He hopes he can find his cummerbund.

Hobbes reads that it's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. Calvin asks if it talks about him, and Hobbes says no. Calvin thinks his invitation must have been sent separately. Susie probably insured it so it wouldn't get lost. Those invitations take longer to arrive. Calvin figures he'll have to sign for his invitation when it comes. Hobbes notices something on the back of the invitation. Susie wrote that Hobbes can bring "that stupid kid you hang around, if you must".

Hobbes is making out a list of gifts they could give Susie. Calvin suggests a mouth full of broken teeth. Hobbes thinks a can of tuna fish would be better. Calvin wonders why she'd want that. Hobbes figures maybe she wouldn't want it, they could offer to take it back, get some mayo and bread...

Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes makes some jumps and wins the game. Calvin pitches a fit. He says he hates it when Hobbes wins, he hates the game, he hates the world. Calvin goes on to accuse Hobbes of cheating, and says he didn't want to play in the first place. Around and around he goes, yelling the whole time, until he flops down to the ground panting. Hobbes reminds him it's just a game. Calvin says he knows and that Hobbes should see him when he loses in real life.

Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.

Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he can have some clay. Calvin says to help himself, and that the stuff is impossible to work with. Calvin says he has a pretty good bowl or something going. He says it started out as a Phantom jet, but got squashed. So now, he thinks it's a bowl. As he says he's proud of it, Hobbes works his clay into a tiger reaching out. Hobbes says Calvin's bowl is very good.

Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.

Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.

Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.

Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.

Susie is shocked at Calvin's hair. She reminds him it's class picture day. He tells her that's why he did it. Susie wonders if his Mom knows he looks like that. Calvin tells her "sort of". He says Hobbes fixed him up at the bus stop. Susie puts her head in her hands and wishes she had some Crisco. Calvin can't wait till Mom sends his picture to Grandma.

Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.

Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.

Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.

Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

Calvin shows Hobbes that you can set the transmogrifier dial to whatever you want. He explains that the machine restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. The arrow on the side of the box can point to those choices. Hobbes wonders what happens if you want to be something else. Calvin explains he left some room, so you can just write it on the side.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to be transmogrified. Hobbes thinks being a tiger is his area of expertise. Calvin tells him not to worry, the change is painless and instantaneous. Calvin tells Hobbes to just think, he could be a 500-story tall gastropod, a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Hobbes rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He wonders how he can refuse. Calvin tells him that if he doesn't want to be that, to pick something else. Calvin doesn't care.

Calvin is impatient with Hobbes. He says he'll go into the transmogrifier first. Hobbes wants to know what the point is to changing yourself into something else. Calvin tells him to think of the knowledge gained. Hobbes comments on what horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. From inside the box, Calvin tells Hobbes to set it to "lungfish", then changes his mind to "musk ox", no wait...

Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.

Calvin sits at his school desk, begging not to have to go in front of the class. He clasps his hands together praying that Miss Wormwood call on someone else. He begs for her not to embarrass him. Miss Wormwood calls on Calvin to go to the board. Calvin says so much for his ever joining the clergy.

Calvin is talking to Hobbes in bed. He tells Hobbes he has a scheme to get them some money. Calvin shows Hobbes some corn kernels he stole off his dinner plate. Hobbes wonders how that will get them some money. Calvin explains that he's going to stick them under his pillow. He figures the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.

Hobbes is eating something out of a bag. Calvin is pretending to kick and punch Hobbes. Calvin pretends to shoot at Hobbes. He pretends to explode a bomb next to Hobbes. Finally, he lies on the floor begging Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he should have saved some of his own Halloween candy.

Hobbes is sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin comes in and wants to change the channel. Hobbes tells him his show isn't over yet. Calvin replies that he always watches that program. He wonders if they can't watch Calvin's show instead. Hobbes tells him no, and to quiet down. Calvin storms off grousing about how he hates National Geographic animal specials.

Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

Calvin and Hobbes come to a big puddle. They jump in and splash around. They laugh and splash some more. As they walk off, Calvin notes that his underwear is soaked. It's going to itch and ride up his rear all afternoon. He says it was worth it. Hobbes says that's why he never wears the stuff.

Calvin is trying to comb his hair. Some of the hair in the back sticks out. Hobbes tells him maybe he needs a haircut. Calvin agrees, but says barbers never cut it the way he wants. Hobbes decides to cut Calvin's hair for him. Hobbes is hoping Mom will give him eight bucks for doing it.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there.

Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.

Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already.

Calvin puts some ice cubes in a glass. He then places a tea bag in the glass. He looks at it, then declares his iced tea is a failure.

Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it.

Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having width but no thickness leaves him vulnerable to gusts of wind. To avoid drafts, he pulls himself into a tube to roll across the floor. Someone is coming, so he turns sideways to hide. As thin as he is, he's nearly an invisible vertical line. Dad is lying under the kitchen sink, trying to fix something. Calvin asks if he knows why he couldn't see him all morning. Calvin explains he was two dimensional. Dad mutters that he bets Calvin can't do it all afternoon also.

Calvin, wearing a cape, says "This is a job for..." and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks "for...?". Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says "someone else".

Hobbes tells Calvin that it's funny to tie someone's shoes together when he isn't looking. Calvin thinks that's funny and wonders what sucker they can pull it on. As Calvin starts to walk, he trips. Hobbes says "Well, well". Calvin chases Hobbes while hopping after him with his shoes tied together.

Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he has any money. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks how they can get some. They think for a little bit, then Calvin asks who Hobbes knows that they can sue.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Hobbes says it's a perfect day. They lie there looking around. After a bit, Calvin tells Hobbes that if something doesn't happen soon, he's going to wack out.

Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.

Calvin tells Mom that someone told him rotten eggs smell bad. Mom confirms they smell terrible. Calvin walks away. Without moving, Mom adds that Calvin should put them back.

Calvin shows Hobbes a patch of newly poured cement. Hobbes asks if anyone is watching. He mentions they could write their initials in the cement, make a hand print, or something. Calvin likes the "or something" part. They walk off looking for a water hose. Hobbes didn't think it would set up so fast. They both have cement hanging from their rear ends.

Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.

Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.

Calvin sees a can on the ground. He complains that if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere. Hobbes declares that there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human. They walk along, then Calvin takes his clothes off. They continue to walk as Calvin says "I'm with you".

Calvin asks Dad what clouds are made of. He tells Calvin mostly water. Calvin then wonders why clouds float. Dad says they're mostly evaporated water. Calvin asks why clouds are white, instead of blue. Dad says he doesn't know, and that they should look it up. Calvin says he takes it there are no qualifying exams to be a Dad.

Calvin tells Dad that his polls are at an all-time low. Dad tells him that's food for thought. He then says Calvin should think about the fact that it costs $100,000 to raise a kid till 18. That's a lot of money. Dad asks Calvin to think about whether that money should be considered a gift or a loan. Calvin scurries off and says he gets the message.

Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.

As they drive home, Mom tells Calvin he was a terror at the doctor's office. Calvin says he didn't get a shot because he fended the doctor off with a tongue depressor. Mom says he didn't need a shot and that his behavior was inexcusable. Calvin is just glad that the doctor couldn't get close enough to stick him. He says the doctor thinks he's a pink pin cushion in underpants. Mom tells Calvin she hopes he has a kid one day who puts him through the same things he's putting her through. Calvin replies that Grandma says that's what she used to tell Mom.

Calvin wants to cook the hamburgers on the grill, but the coals aren't hot enough yet. Calvin tells Dad he wants to eat now. Dad explains sometimes the anticipation of getting something is sometimes better than when you get it. Dad looks out at the woods and says it's nice to sit looking while the coals get hot. He says dinner will be over soon and they'll be distracted by other things. They have a few moments by themselves to enjoy the evening. He says it's good they have to wait for something every now and then. Calvin looks out, then asks whether he should go to McDonald's or what.

The bat is a marvel of evolution. Producing high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the delay in the sound's echo. No movement escapes the senses of the bat. Calvin flips some food into his mouth from the restaurant table. His eyes are closed. Dad scolds Calvin to sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized being.

Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.

Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.

Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.

Calvin reaches into his pocket and pulls out something sticky. It gets all over his hands. He says he can't tell his gum from his Silly Putty.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call "pooty pie". Either that or "bitsy pookums". Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart.

Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.

Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash.

Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.

Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg.

They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.

Calvin has construction paper feather hanging off him. He tells Hobbes he's going to fly. Hobbes asks Calvin that if paper feathers were all that were needed, wouldn't they have heard about it before now. Calvin tells him it takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. Hobbes agrees with that. They come to a gorge. Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to jump off. Calvin tells him he'll need momentum, so he wants Hobbes to throw him off the edge. Hobbes tells Calvin he assumes no responsibility for this. Calvin isn't worried, he gets the patent. Hobbes heaves Calvin into the air. Calvin yells that he's flying. But down he falls into the gorge. Hobbes yells down for "Orville" not to sell the bike shop. Calvin tells him to shut up and to get him some antiseptic.

Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.

Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

Hobbes asks Calvin where he's going with the toy telephone. Calvin tells him he's going out into the woods. Hobbes asks what he's going to do. Calvin replies that he's going to try some bird calls. Hobbes wraps the phone around Calvin.

Rosalyn knocks on the bedroom door. She tells Calvin they can make some popcorn. She looks in and sees the sheets tied together going out the window. She looks out the window and sees Calvin. She yells for him to come back inside. Calvin yells back that if she wants him, she'll have to catch him. Calvin says she's wearing cleats and takes off running with Hobbes.

Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.

Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.

Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.

Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?

Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed.

Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams.

Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.

Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more.

Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.

Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying "1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!" The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm.

Calvin says his teacher told him the same as Dad did, the sun isn't going out. It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Calvin tells Hobbes to imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that.

Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him "Live for revenge" is going to be his motto if Hobbes doesn't get him out of there. Hobbes gives Calvin a quiz on what to do for a second-degree burn. Calvin yells for him not to flip through the book, but to untie him. Hobbes is indignant. He thinks someone in Calvin's predicament should treat him with more respect.

Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.

Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day.

Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory.

Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case.

Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.

Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.

Calvin yells that it's freezing in the house, and that someone should turn up the thermostat. He keeps ranting that Dad should get a better job if they can't afford to heat the house. Maybe they should move to Florida. Someone tells him to pipe down. He should put on a sweater if he's cold. Calvin complains that he shouldn't have to go to all that trouble.

Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.

Max comes into his room to see Calvin doing something. Max asks what he's doing. Calvin looks at all the stuff from the luggage lying on the floor. He tells Max he's looking through his luggage. He asks what it looks like he's doing. Max wants to know if Mom and Dad raised him themselves or if they untied Calvin for the visit. Calvin asks if Max brought him a present, since he can't find one anywhere.

Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.

Max is talking to Mom as they do the dishes. Max notices that Calvin takes Hobbes everywhere. Mom agrees that they're inseparable. Max asks if she worries that Calvin isn't playing with real friends. Mom says she figures he will when he's ready. She asks if Max ever had an imaginary friend. Max laments that sometimes he thinks all his friends have been imaginary.

Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.

Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.

Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.

Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.

Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes. Hobbes doesn't know what a pterodactyl is. Hobbes asks if it's a bug. Calvin tells him it's a big flying dinosaur, but tells him not to shoot if he doesn't know what it is.

Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it.

Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.

Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes.

Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.

Calvin is eating his "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs". He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it.

Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He says he hates being a kid. Calvin explains that someone is always telling him what to do or what not to do. He tells Hobbes he's lucky he's a tiger. Hobbes says they try to be humble, but it's hard. Calvin wonders if he can grow fangs when his baby teeth fall out.

Calvin gets out of the tub complaining that he's not a tiger. Hobbes tells him that's a common lament. Calvin wants Hobbes to teach him to be a tiger. He has some red sleepers he can wear. Calvin will put a stuffed knee sock on for a tail. Hobbes asks about fur and whiskers. Calvin mentions that he hasn't shaved in six years, so he seems cursed with a thin beard.

Hobbes draws stripes on Calvin. Hobbes says he's looking better. Calvin practices a roar. Hobbes thinks Calvin is missing something tiger-ish, panache. Calvin runs off to get some plastic vampire fangs.

As they walk in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes to teach him to survive. Calvin gives him a scenario. They're in a tree, and they detect prey. What would they do? Hobbes says it depends on what the prey was. Calvin tells him to pick something. Hobbes says that if it was a box of rigatoni noodles, you'd go put on some water.

The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.

Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to be teaching him how to be a tiger. They've been sitting in the tree all day, and Hobbes hasn't shown Calvin how to hunt or anything. Hobbes says it's instinct, which you can't teach. Calvin suggests looking up "tiger" in the encyclopedia. Hobbes hops down and says that since they're going inside, they should fix some soup and sandwiches. Calvin calls Hobbes a disgrace.

The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.

Calvin says that he's hungry, but Hobbes says he can't catch anything in his territory. Calvin wonders what tigers eat in the wild. Hobbes tells him big caterpillars. Calvin asks whether tigers really eat them, and Hobbes tells him they eat them by the truckload. Calvin asks to see the book, but Hobbes asks if he's going to believe a silly writer or a real tiger.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows.

Calvin wants to create a "repentant, but learning" image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. "Dad - Gradually, he catches on" and "Vote Dad! This time he'll do better" are offered. Dad gets the idea.

Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says "it's like..." as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says "it's like something, but he can't think of it".

Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.

Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings.

Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there.

Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.

Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her.

Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream.

Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't think they found a skeleton at all. Mom says they just dug up some trash someone littered. Calvin says their dinosaur is a fraud. Hobbes laments that it wouldn't be right to sell the skeleton to a museum. Calvin suggests not at full price, anyway.

Calvin whispers to Susie, who's sitting in the desk ahead of Calvin. He wants to copy her paper. She tells him no. He sits and pouts. Then, he reaches into his desk for something. The teacher shouts his name when she sees him holding a periscope, looking over Susie's shoulder at her paper.

Calvin pilots the airliner across the skies. He has clearance to land, but a plane from a rival airline is flying toward the same runway. It's a 600-mph game of chicken. Calvin pulls the throttle, and he lurches ahead. The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off by dropping altitude. Calvin turns on the "Fasten seat belt" sign in the cabin and does a barrel roll. Calvin tries not to black out at 5Gs. They close on the runway, but the other pilot has to pull up and circle around again. Calvin wins! Calvin, who's running around with a toy airplane, asks Mom if it's true that you can get a pilot's license at age 14.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes in a panic. Hobbes asks what's wrong. With a horrified look on his face, Calvin tells him that Dad told him he could use his binoculars as long as he was extra careful. He broke them by accident. Now, Calvin needs advice. He wonders if he should run away or commit hara-kiri. Hobbes thinks maybe both.

Hobbes suggests telling Mom about the binoculars to see if she can help. Calvin tells him no way. Hobbes tells him he has to tell someone. Maybe Mom can think of something. Calvin tells him that at times like this, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with him.

Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.

Calvin shows Hobbes his new pair of binoculars Dad bought for him. Dad told Calvin that if he was going to break binoculars, they might as well be his own. Hobbes figures they can go to the beach and look at babes. Calvin wonders if he should break some of Dad's power tools to see if he can get some of those.

Calvin is opening a can. He hears rumbling. Suddenly, Hobbes slams into him and knocks him to the floor. Hobbes looks around rapidly. He says that either he's greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in the vicinity.

Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.

Calvin calls someone on the phone and asks if they sell kegs of dynamite. They don't, so Calvin asks about plastic explosives...then land mines. Finally, he says he's trying to send a girl he knows to deep space. He asks if they could suggest something.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin asks if grown-ups will have the world fixed by the time they hand it over to young people. Hobbes doesn't think so, and Calvin agrees. As the wagon rolls onto the pier, Calvin says it's up to them. As the wagon sails into the air, with Calvin and Hobbes falling into the water, Hobbes says that he's not reassured. Calvin says that when he's president, he'll have things whipped into shape in no time.

As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.

Calvin is in the sandbox, buried up to his waist. He reaches out to Susie and yells for her to get help. He says somebody filled his sandbox with quicksand, and he's sinking fast. Susie turns around and says to give her a break. Calvin yells back that her gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.

Calvin is standing there holding a balloon on a string. He starts floating up into the air. Higher and higher he goes as he clutches the string with both hands. As he floats along in the sky, he says this probably just goes to show you something, but he sure doesn't know what.

Calvin is really moving with his balloon. He sees the river and the town triangle below. Calvin yells down for someone to tell his tiger that he's blowing away on a balloon. He yells to see if anyone can hear him. He adds to tell Hobbes that he can't read Calvin's comic books, just because he isn't there. Finally, he adds to tell his parents what happened.

Calvin, now rightside up, supposes it doesn't get any worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile over some unrecognized state. He thinks about it, and decides he could get sucked into a jet intake or his grip could weaken. As a bird comes near, he says that's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin gets a single, so he has a ghost runner on first while he goes back to bat. His earlier ghost base runners advance. Hobbes calls them out. He says his ghost outfielder tagged Calvin's ghost runner and threw to the ghost second baseman. Hobbes says Calvin has two outs. Calvin angrily says his ghost runner from first base stole home, and he has another run. Hobbes says his ghost outfielders ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of Calvin's ghost runner. Calvin declares the ghost umpire suspended Hobbes' ghosts for eternity. Hobbes flips his glove off saying if his ghosts don't play, he doesn't play. Calvin declares a forfeit. Hobbes loses. Hobbes says the ghost crowd supports him. He says they're "boo"ing Calvin. Calvin sometime wishes he lived in a neighborhood with more kids.

Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

Calvin says there are some kids feeding the animals. Calvin pulls on Mom's skirt and asks if he can get some peanuts to feed to the animals. The skirt he pulled isn't his Mom's. It's someone else. She tells Calvin she's not his Mom, and Calvin is shocked. The woman asks if Calvin is lost. She asks what his Mom looks like. Calvin tells her that from the knees down, Mom looks just like her.

Hobbes sneaks behind a tree, then through some tall grass. He crouches, ready to attack. Calvin is unsuspectingly playing in his sandbox. He's covered in shadow, and he looks up. Hobbes crashes down on him. Hobbes brushes off his arms and says tigers just live for that. Calvin, peeking up from the sand, says that he won't for long.

Calvin looks at a couple flowers. He has a water can with him. He asks the flowers if they want some water. He says it's up to him whether the flowers get water or not. He controls their fate. Their lives are in his hands. Without Calvin, they're as good as dead. Without him, they don't.... It starts pouring. Calvin frowns.

Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.

Mom is painting something when Calvin yells for her. He asks if she knows the living room couch. When Mom asks what about it, Calvin asks if she thinks it's too wide. Horrified, Mom puts the paint down and goes to the living room. Calvin is standing with a saw behind his back. He tells Mom he was just asking.

Hobbes is lying under a tree. Calvin comes up with a water balloon. He asks Hobbes what he'd do if he got creamed by the water balloon. Hobbes tells him to take the worst thing he can imagine, then imagine something a hundred times worse. Calvin asks if he'd do that. Hobbes tells him he'd do something worse. Calvin hits Hobbes with the balloon and takes off running. Calvin says Hobbes piqued his curiosity.

Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.

In a panic, Calvin asks Hobbes how to turn off the water. Hobbes doesn't know. Calvin can't put a piece back in with all the water coming out. Hobbes goes to get Mom. Calvin asks if Hobbes has lost his mind. He says Mom can't find out about this. Hobbes believes she'll notice when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Calvin opens the medicine cabinet, looking for cyanide.

Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".

Calvin, the tyrannosaurus, is king of the thunder lizards. Seven tons of muscle and teeth searches for prey. Mom sees Calvin hunched over with teeth bared. She tells him to stop stomping around. He's driving her crazy. Suddenly, Calvin bites Mom on the leg. As she chases him, Calvin asks how the fearsome tyrannosaurus became extinct. Now we know.

Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.

Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

Calvin asks Susie what she's doing. She's drawing on the sidewalk. Calvin asks if he can join in. Susie hands him some chalk. Calvin starts drawing. He says he's never been a vandal before. Susie tells him this isn't vandalism. The chalk washes right off. Calvin flips the chalk down and walks off.

Calvin is in the toy pool. He tells Hobbes not to get in. Hobbes is roasting. Calvin tells him he'll get hair in the water. Hobbes deliberately rubs some hair into the pool. Calvin yells for him to stop that. Calvin gets out of the pool. Hobbes climbs in. With an evil look on his face, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks he won. He says he's not even going to tell Hobbes what he did in the pool. Hobbes gets a horrified look.

Calvin trips over a rock and falls face first to the ground. He gets up angrily, and he kicks the rock. He starts to walk off. The rock hits something and bounces back, hitting Calvin in the head, knocking him face first to the ground.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Hobbes is hungry. Calvin tells him breakfast isn't until tomorrow. Hobbes' stomach is growling. Calvin tells him to be quiet. Hobbes reminds him most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Calvin's eyes open. In the kitchen, he's making Hobbes a sandwich. He says sometimes he wishes he had a dog. Hobbes tells him more tuna and less mayonnaise.

Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.

Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him "Where to". Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around.

Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA.

Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet.

Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks.

Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed.

Calvin scootches across the floor inside a box turned upside down. He moves over to Mom, sitting with a cup of coffee. In a robotic voice, he says he's a robot probe sent from Jupiter. He says his sensors detect trace amounts of chocolate in the pantry. He requests some to be loaded into his scoop for analysis. Mom refuses, saying it will ruin his appetite. Calvin says his mission must not fail. He tells the pitiful earth female to prepare for annihilation. He holds a rubber dart gun out. Mom tells him to go back to Jupiter.

Calvin asks Susie to guess what he brought for lunch. Susie wants no part of it. She tells him to sit somewhere else. He always says lunch is something revolting. Calvin is indignant. He asks what's so disgusting about peanut butter. He shows her the sandwich. Susie says she's glad that one day out of the year, he can be civil. Calvin tells her it's his dessert that's disgusting, a thermos full of phlegm.

In the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he hates everybody. He can't see how anyone could fall in love, because people are jerks. Hobbes says that sometimes they are, but look at the colors of the trees today. Calvin looks around and says so what. Hobbes thinks it's more fun to see something like this with someone than by yourself. They look at each other. They walk off across a fallen tree. Calvin says he guesses, but he'd rather see this with a tiger than a person.

Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.

Calvin says it's scary being sick at night. He wonders what if something is really wrong with him, and they have to take him to the hospital. He gets more worried about having tubes and hoses stuck in him, having an operation, and it being the last night of his life. Hobbes, being kept awake by all this, says he could then look forward to having the bed to himself tomorrow. Calvin says there are few things less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.

Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.

Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.

Calvin is standing at the bus stop in his rain coat. It's pouring rain. He asks why he's standing in the rain, waiting for a bus to take him to a place he doesn't want to go. The rain keeps falling. Calvin says he goes to school, but he never learns what he wants to know.

Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.

Calvin informs Dad that the polls indicate he won't be Dad much longer. He says Dad just isn't likeable enough. Those polled continue to find Dad a cold fish. Calvin suggests Dad do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin slaps his forehead and says it's too late for Dad to learn to tell jokes.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls the signals. Hobbes snaps the ball. Hobbes immediately turns around, jumps up, and tackles Calvin. Hobbes says there is another five yard loss. Calvin says they've got to get some other players.

Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.

Calvin stops and says "Uh oh". HOOP! His head stretches vertically. EEP! His head stretches horizontally. He tells Mom he has the hiccups something terrible.

Calvin and Hobbes are dressed in cowboy hats. Hobbes shoots Calvin with his finger. Calvin grabs his chest and falls backward. Hobbes hands him something. Calvin asks what it is as he shakes it. Hobbes tells him it's his death rattle.

Calvin has an art project. He supposed to draw his pet. Since he doesn't have one, he's going to draw Hobbes. He has Hobbes look ferocious. Calvin has trouble drawing the picture. He gets angry and crumples the paper. He says he hates his class. Hobbes asks to try. Hobbes says drawing tigers automatically makes your picture fine art. Calvin likes the picture Hobbes is drawing. He adds a couple heads next to the tiger to look as if he ate a village. Calvin thinks that's great and that he'll have the best picture in the class. Calvin is explaining to the principal that Hobbes drew the picture, not him. He asks if the principal thinks he could draw anything that good himself.

Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.

Calvin walks along with a frown on his face. He says he's in a bad mood today. Everyone should steer clear of him. He goes on to say he hates everybody. He says everyone can drop dead, for all he cares. People are scum. He crosses his arms and keeps the scowl on his face. Then he asks if someone doesn't want to cheer him up.

Calvin warns Mom he's in a bad mood. Mom, working in the kitchen, tells Calvin to be in a bad mood elsewhere. She's busy. Calvin looks back over his shoulder and says his biological mother would have bought him a comic book and made him feel better instead of shunning him like she did. Mom crouches down to tell Calvin anyone but your biological mother would have left him to the wolves long ago. Calvin doesn't believe her and asks how much she paid for him.

Mom yells asking who made the mess. Calvin says it wasn't him, it was a horrible little Venusian who materialized in the kitchen. He continues explaining this creature had a diabolical high-frequency device and pointed it at various objects. Calvin sits on his bed saying "Mothers are the necessity of invention".

Calvin is standing waiting for the bus. He looks up and says he wishes it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, wishing for snow. Something's coming down. Unfortunately for Calvin, it's rain. Calvin is now standing in the rain waiting for the bus. He says it was so close, yet so far.

It's Stupendous Man, champion of liberty, defender of free will. Some fiend plans to establish a totalitarian system of rule. It's as he expected. It's his arch-enemy, Mom lady. Calvin has his hood and cape on, and Mom says she told him to go to bed. As Mom carries him up the stairs to bed, Calvin says Stupendous Man's powers are no match against his adversary. Stupendous Man is vanquished. After being placed in bed, Calvin wipes his cheek. He says this would have been plenty humiliating without the goodnight kiss. Mom tells him to take off the silly hood before he smothers in his sleep.

Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say "Volume One". Calvin tells her it's "atom bomb" through "grenade launcher". Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.

Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.

Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says "Your majesty's sandwich". Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government.

Calvin and Hobbes are watching television. Calvin thinks the short attention span of television is great. As far as he's concerned, if something is so complicated you can't explain it in ten seconds, it's not worth knowing anyway. Calvin says his time is valuable. He can't go thinking about one subject for minutes on end. He's a busy man. Hobbes adds that he's been sitting there watching television for three hours.

Calvin is warming his hands by the fire. He says there's something magical about having a fire. He comments on the crackles and snaps, the warm, flickering light. He says everything seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. He sits back against Hobbes, who's sleeping on the floor. He says it's even better when you have a hot tiger tummy to lie against.

Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.

Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.

Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a book about his life, titled "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation". Hobbes asks what exploits he's referring to. Calvin admits that's the problem. He asks Hobbes for some he could do.

Susie doesn't want Calvin to sit next to her at lunch. She doesn't want to know what revolting thing he has for lunch today. Calvin tells her to relax, he's not going to tell her what he has. Calvin looks at his sandwich and says he sure feels sorry for his tapeworm. Susie yells for Miss Wormwood.

Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

Rosalyn chases Calvin, who has her study notes. Calvin and Hobbes run into the bathroom. They lock the door just before Rosalyn gets there. She tells Calvin through the bathroom door that if he doesn't open the door, his parents will never find his remains. Calvin holds her papers over the open toilet and tells her "Here go your notes".

Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".

Going down the slope, Calvin says Dad tells him the anticipation of something is often more fun than having it. Calvin thinks he's crazy. Calvin hates waiting for things. He likes to have things immediately. As they fly over a small gorge, Calvin can't think of anything he'd rather anticipate than have. He asks if Hobbes does. Hobbes covers his eyes and says death. As they head into the briar patch, Calvin doesn't know why he bothers discussing things with Hobbes when he's always so morbid.

Hobbes feels sick. Calvin chides him by telling him it's only his second bowl of cereal. Hobbes complains that it's pure sugar. Calvin retorts that it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes responds that it's like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin shows him on the box where it says its' a part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Hobbes points out the picture shows a guy eating five grapefruits and a dozen bran muffins. Calvin is shaking from all the sugar. He tells Hobbes that the reason Hobbes is shaking is due to a vitamin deficiency, he bets.

Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.

Calvin walks through the door, looking tired. He asks if his beanie came in the mail. He's sure it didn't. Mom gives him the box and tells him it did come in. Calvin is ecstatic. He says it took weeks of waiting, but it's finally here. He gets to finally put it on. He tears the package open with a wild look in his eyes. He pulls out a paper from inside the box. It reads "Some assembly required. Batteries not included".

Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.

Calvin is horrified! His motor broke, the piece snapped. He's worried his beanie propeller won't work. He rants that he waited for weeks, and now it's broken. He never got to wear the beanie. He turns to Hobbes and says it was his fault. He tries to hit Hobbes, who holds him away by his head. Hobbes reminds him he was just sitting. Calvin broke it. Calvin angrily accuses Hobbes of willing him to break it by using some subliminal thing. Hobbes concentrates and says he's willing Calvin to go jump in the septic tank.

Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.

Calvin tells Hobbes the beanie isn't making him fly. He asks what's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it. Hobbes offers that the point isn't "style", certainly. Calvin kicks the beanie and complains that he ate all that cereal, waited all those weeks, assembled it, and it doesn't fly. What a rip off! He says it's not a total loss, though. It came in a great cardboard box.

Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.

Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe in ethics anymore. As far as he's concerned, the end justifies the means. He goes on to say you should get while the getting's good, might makes right, and winners write the history books. He figures it's a dog-eat-dog world, so he'll do what he has to and let others argue whether it's "right" or not. Hobbes pushes Calvin into a mud puddle. Calvin asks why he did that. Hobbes tells him he was in his way, now he's not. The end justifies the means. Calvin tells him he didn't mean for everyone, just him.

Calvin is running through the house. Mom finally catches him and puts him to bed. He remembers something. Mom sees him playing with his toys downstairs. She asks what he thinks he's doing back down there. Calvin replies that Mom didn't read him his rights.

Calvin plugs one nostril and snorts in. He opens his mouth to dredge up some saliva. PTOOEY! He spits it out. He proudly tells Hobbes that they sure go farther when you make them up right. Hobbes, making a face and holding his stomach, suggests they make up a new contest.

Calvin says the hiccups are killing him. Hobbes says eating a spoonful of sugar is supposed to help. Calvin tries it. Hobbes asks if he's cured. Calvin says no, he better eat some more. He digs the spoon back into the sugar.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to have a jelly donut. Calvin makes a face and says jelly donuts gross him out. They're like eating giant, squishy bugs. You bite into them and their purple guts spill out the other end. He walks off telling Mom she can eat them. Mom pushes the bag aside and says her friends ask her how she stays thin.

Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

In the hotel room, Calvin asks Mom how to make a long-distance call. He wants to call Hobbes to make sure he's okay. Mom tells him Hobbes won't answer and not to be silly. She reminds him he'll see Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin says Hobbes is probably all lonely. Mom says she's sure Hobbes is having a good time. Calvin hopes Hobbes isn't renting some movie Calvin wanted to see.