Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.

No, Mom! Don't put me to bed! I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9 p.m.! Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a bath! Listen, just because you never take one ...

How long do you think it is till bedtime? Oh, six or seven hours, I imagine. Why do you ask? With any luck, mom will notice we're missing by then.

That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...

Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.

I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.

How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.

Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.

What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.

Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin, if you shoot that paper clip at me, I'll get your bottom hauled to the principal's office so fast you'll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed.

The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!

As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?

Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.

Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...

Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?

No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...

We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.

The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.

Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?

You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!

Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.

Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.

I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.

Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.

I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!

Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!

... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!

We're going to carve a Jack-O'lantern now. See, we'll make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack, time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even.

Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!

Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?

Susie, where's Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I don't know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. He's on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper!

We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!

I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.

I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.

I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.

A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance.

This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good.

Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.

Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!

Should I or shouldn't I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh, don't play innocent with me, you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, it takes one to know one, Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises, promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin, time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...

Well, well! It's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No, it doesn't say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately, she probably wanted to insure it so she'll know it didn't get lost. Sometimes those take longer. I'll have to sign for it and all. I'm sure she's taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says, "You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with, if you must."

Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!

Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?

Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.

Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.

Out you go, Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness, you're a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in, she'll thank me. Mark my words.

Gee, it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin, knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? You're not fooling anyone, young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... you're asking for an early bedtime, kid. Well, he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is "dessert" you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. That's it, bed!

Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.

Thanks for the lunch Mom! I'm going outside. Refueled, the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin, you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30,000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking, I'm afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. We're stacked up over Washington, and we'll be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin, you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog, from now on I'm playing "bus".

Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph, and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions.

Hey, can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My show's not over yet. Aw c'mon! you see this program all the time! Can't we watch my show for once? No, I was here first. Pipe down, this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials.

Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!

Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!

Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isn't it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Let's go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? It's easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and we'll time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh, what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds, maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey, we're at the bottom of the hill. I didn't feel any time warp, did you? Nope. But look! It's two minutes later than when we started! We're in the future!! Hmm ... things haven't improved. I'm disappointed.

I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.

Time for bed, Calvin. It's a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists!

Croquet is a gentleman's game. That's hard to believe. I've played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey, don't put the wickets so far apart. This is the way they're supposed to be. No it isn't, you big cheater. You're doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasn't looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! That's a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, you're just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! You're asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquito's don't even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo! I'd say it takes one to know one bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor! It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside! Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game!

Hold still. There's a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No, wait there's a mosquito on you.

I wanna horsey ride! I'm busy Calvin. You know, Dad, it won't be long before I'm all grown up. One day you'll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. You'll look back and say, "Where has the time gone? Calvin's so big. It's hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides." ... but those days will be lost forever. I think I've worked through my potential guilt now. No, no! Jump the fence!

The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh, no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when you're done, ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.

Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know. Look, another can thrown on the ground! Boy, this makes me mad! By golly, if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere! You'd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now I've got to carry this gross thing. You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. I'm with you.

More bad news on your polls, Dad. We're looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well, Calvin. That's certainly food for thought. Now here's something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100,000. That's a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is that hundred grand a gift, or a loan?" Gotcha, Dad. I was just on my way to bed.

What's wrong, Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I don't feel good. Your forehead seems warm. We'd better take your temperature. I can't be sick now! It's still summer vacation! There's no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!

Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog, the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? You're wasting your time, maggot from mars! I'll never give in! Never, you hear me?! Never! Kid, don't make me recant the Hippocratic oath, ok?

The fire's not lighting, huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Can't we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals aren't hot enough. But I'm hungry I want to eat now! Well, you'll just have to wait. You know, Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are, it's a beautiful evening. It's nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot, don't you think? Dinner will be over soon, and afterward we'll be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. It's good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonald's then, or what? Yeah, I know you think you are going to be six all of your life.

One of nature's uglier creatures, the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud, high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeak's echo! Changes in the echo's pitch reveal the doomed bug's direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin, sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.

Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time, get out of bed! We're going to be late. I'm trying. I'm trying.

That run doesn't count! You didn't touch third base! That's 'cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line, you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isn't fair! You can't run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman, you'd've been out a long time ago! But we don't, do we? Gotcha! You're out! Ok, I'm up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time I'm going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball.

Well, gang, I'm sorry the weather wasn't any better this week. I know it wasn't always a lot of fun, but we lived through it, and we got ot spend some time together and that's what's really important. Anyway, I hope you're all not too disappointed. Calvin, tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad, Mom says ... All right! All right!

Dad, can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax, Dad. It's just a ball in the gutter, it's not as if I've been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Aren't you glad I'm not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context.

Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.

OK, Hobbes, our time machine is all set, put on your goggles and we'll be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez, do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! We've got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh, I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, you can go without me. Sit down, sissy. I already got your goggles.

What year in the future are we going to land? It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I'd say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol' earth is still around then. I've grown fond of it. If not, we'll return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash.

You know, some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh, hush we'll find our way home. You don't remember any of this? Nope, we're sure lost this time. If I had known we weren't going to find our way home, I'd have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. We'd better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey, isn't that our back yard? Why, so it is. I don't care how long you'll be gone, I'm only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles?

Let's have a look around I'm sure we'll run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh, I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod, I'd guess. I wonder how you get in? I don't see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color?

Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!

We made it! It's a good thing the time machine didn't stall, or we'd have been eaten by dinosaurs! We're coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? I've had enough time traveling, let's go home. Let's go just a little into the future and see what I'm like as a teen-ager! Let's not, all right?

Hi, Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. That's nice. What's it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually, we were trying to go into the future, but we made a mistake. I see, well, I'm glad you made it back. Your mom isn't fazed by much is she? It depends, she didn't take the frogs in the toilet so well, remember?

Dad, look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock! It's not 3 o'clock, your watch stopped. Time doesn't stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there, I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. I'd have bought one.

Well, I guess we're all packed. Comic books, dart gun, space helmet and toboggan! We're off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh, that's right! Glad you remembered! I'll go get one! Don't we have any road maps of the Yukon, Mom? I doubt it. Ok, here's the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This won't take any time at all!

Bedtime, Calvin. Where's Hobbes? I suppose he's wherever you left him. You mean he's still in the woods?? It's night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! I'll get a flashlight! We've got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin, it's your bedtime! Don't pull this stunt now!

We're leaving now, Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope he's not too much trouble tonight. Don't worry, I brought a cattle prod this time! You're mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny, let's go.

We're home, Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. That's good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police, sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here!

Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.

Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes it's good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.

A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and we'll kill you rather painlessly. Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didn't read the assignment, did you, Calvin?

You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.

I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book.

Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!

Go way back. I'm really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy, he can't kick it this far. What're you doing? I'm ten yards from the goal line! Aren't you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before you'd ever get me from back there! What's the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards, or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more.

Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it.

What's the story you're going to read me, Dad? It doesn't have any romance in it, does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesn't have a moral, does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral, too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white?

Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.

I'm going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and I'll escape! Tie the knots tighter, don't make it so easy for me. Tie my feet, too. All right, let's see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin, dinner time! Should I tell her you're tied up at the moment, ha ha? I'll be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time, gosh. I can't even move.

They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants.

Can we get this tree, Mom? Can we? I don't know Calvin. It's awfully expensive. Yeah, but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! It's a great one! This year I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. We're not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks, on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year.

Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here.

Here's a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story I'm writing. You can draw something besides tigers, can't you? Sure. Leopards, pumas, ocelots ... you name it. Here dad, read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um, ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barney's dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your peas!" Barney shouted "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone. 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it, I get it!

Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. I'm just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.

Help me figure out this homework problem, Hobbes. What's 3 + 8. Ok, assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply, so take the numerator (that's latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side, so what times three equals eight? The answer of course, is six. Gosh, I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me.

Mom, the washer is done. Ok. Aren't you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin, can't you see I'm busy right now?? She says she's busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there aren't any towels.

Boy, Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah, they're inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean, shouldn't he be playing with real friends? Oh, I think he will when he's ready. Didn't you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary.

Well, so long, Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok, fella? Heck, I'll come right now! So long, Mom! Bye, Dad! Calvin, get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We could've bought him a ticket. Well.

Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!

A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl, you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? It's almost lunchtime. Oh, I see well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hotdog!

Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok?

Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong.

Hey, don't fix that for dinner! Didn't Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? It's doctor's orders! Oh, I'd better call your doctor then! Oh, no she called my bluff! The doctor's gonna be furious! Boy, are we going to get ti! We? I'm dialing! Hello, doctor? I'm calling about Calvin's dietary needs. ... at the tone, the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news, Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No, he didn't. did he? What's castor oil?

Rosalyn sent us to bed and it's not even our bedtime yet! We've got to escape. Here's the plan: you start moaning, and when Rosalyn comes in. I'll throw this blanket over her. We'll tie her up and make our getaway, got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn, come quick! There's something wrong with Hobbes! Right, Calvin. What should I do, call a vet? No, just come up here and close your eyes.

We're home! Hi, Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh, that bad, eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night, thanks again. She's got a real racket going, doesn't she? What do you want to do, stay home ever night until Calvin's eighteen?

Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. That's when you eat all the leftover milk that's all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me.

Hey, Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? It's a very special time! Oh boy, oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes, yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! It's your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.

I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. What's the matter, don't you like games??

Your polls, dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high, the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like.

I think the image we need to create for you is repentant, but learning. You know, show some humility, and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time, he'll do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in '88. I get the idea, Calvin.

Much as I appreciate your offer, I don't need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case, you'll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. We'll see. Now it's past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night.

Eight, nine, ten! Here I come, ready or not! All right, give 'em back!

I call this 'lookout' hill. Yes, you can certainly see far from up here. I call it 'lookout' hill because that's what you yell whenever we go down it. You know, sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. It's like ... it's like ... It's like what? It's like SOMEthing ... I just can't think of it.

Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make 'em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel won't fit in the wheel well. Here, let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings.

Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!

Geez, I can't believe I broke Dad's binoculars! He'll blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very, very careful with them, and what do I do? I go and break them. He'll flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well, I was tossing them at myself at the time, as I ran down the sidewalk.

Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? You've got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me.

I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didn't touch all the bases! I did too. No, you didn't. You didn't touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. That's not seventh base. That's twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didn't touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? What's the secret base?! I can't tell you. It's a secret. I can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. You're out. Give me a dollar.

Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way they're going. That's what I thought. I guess that means it's up to US then. Somehow I'm not reassured. Ha! When I'm president, I'll have things whipped into shape in no time.

Do you see any snapping turtles, eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far, our expedition is a failure. How's the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes, I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part, though. As soon as it touches the water, it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before you're ready. Why don't you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! It's better to go in a wee bit at a time. No, it's better to do it all at once. It's worse to drag it out. You must've been dropped when you were little. I'll show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WE'LL NEVER NOW NOW, WILL WE?!?

So where are we going? I sure hope we're not camping again this year? Well, we are. Oh, no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat, is NOT my idea of a good time! That's why we brought bug spray. Look, just let me out here, OK? I'll hitch home and see you when you get back, all right?

There's nothing to DO here. That's sort of the point, don't you think? It's good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things, without DOING things. You're certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.

Here's "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasn't been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonight's story isn't as boring as LAST night's was. It put me right to sleep. Don't worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? It's called "The disembodied hand that strangled people." Gosh, this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know what's REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day, nobody knows where the hand is. In fact, the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! IT'S G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I should've thought of that years ago.

I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. That's the problem with being six years old ... my life won't take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.

Say, I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble, and ... Nope. No gum. Let's try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy, these things come in handy all the time.

Where have you been?? I've been calling and calling. You're dinner's cold, I'm sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped, but fortunately I had my transmogrifier, so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe, I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course, If I'd known we were having THIS, I wouldn't have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK, that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now, so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third, right? Nope, they're both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third, and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! You've got two outs. Well, my ghost on first just stole home, so I've got another run! Ha ha, smarty! Yeah, well, all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. They're out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts don't play, I don't play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. They're "boo"-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids.

Here's Hobbes, but where's Calvin? I don't see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didn't he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back, and I'll go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady, thinking it was Mom, and then when I realized I was lost, I went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Next time, you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time, there won't BE a next time, because we're just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were, I might add.

Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well, I was just standing there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy, what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place, and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well, at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHAT'D YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDN'T DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK, OK! I'M GOING! YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE! Hey, Dad, catch the water balloon! Great reflexes, Dad. By the way, don't go in the house like that. Mom's in one of her moods again. I'll bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.

Boy, what a beautiful summer morning, huh, Dad? Too bad you can't stay home to enjoy it. When you're old, you'll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these, but of course, that's far off, and in the meantime, there's lots of work to be done. Yep, you'd better go to work, have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe you'll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me.

What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging, and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. You'd do THAT? No, I'd do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity.

The race will finish at that trr, OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo, I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! That's our best time yet for the 50-yard dash!

Boy, Dad sure blew his stack THAT time, didn't he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM, you'd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dad's got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does, I sure wish you'd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh, now YOU'RE going to start on me TOO, huh?

Well, summer is almost over, it sure went quick, didn't it? Yep. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

I'm hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isn't until tomorrow. My tummy's growling. Hush. Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise.

Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You can't be elected Dad without a MOM, right? Are you going to keep the Mom I've had, or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime, Calvin. Of course I'll stick with your Mom. Aww.

I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.

You're packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes, we're outta here. It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! I'm LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know, sometimes you're a real load to have around. I was just ASKING!

So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.

I don't know about you, but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. It's very peaceful. Not only that, but we don't have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners, no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!!

Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dad's camera! Once there, he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter, Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck, Calvin's Dad will have the film developed soon, and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I don't remember taking these. Who's that little speck in the distance all the time? You haven't been fooling with my camera, have you? ME? Heck, no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed.

Election day is coming up, Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. I'm against them all. How's your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.

My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck, they'd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I don't see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are, but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think it's more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well, THAT goes without saying.

Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.

Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof

When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.

Hello? Hi, Dad! It's me, Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin, I'm at work! I don't have time to tell you a story now. I'm very busy! Get off the phone. I'm expecting important calls. OK, Dad. I'll just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with my own Dad who's always working. Right, right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1), the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2), and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story.

Here we are at the top of "Dismemberment Gorge". Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good?

Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I don't know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh.

Read me "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else?

I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.

I can't take bath in this! The water's BOILING! I'll scald myself! What are you trying to do, cook me alive?? Well, forget it! I'm not getting in! By the time you quit fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it, the water will be perfect. Boy, does she know me.

Shovel, shovel, shovel! Why can't we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! I'm freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character, HE saves a couple of hundred dollars.

Next time we go down, I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah, well, I'm sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. "Every obstacle"?!? We missed the briar patch, didn't we?! By going down the gully and into the stream, yes. Oh, you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad we're alive.

I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as I'M concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I can't go thinking about one subject on end. I'm a busy man. ...who's been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute.

Will you read this tonight? "An Ode To Tigers"? Hobbes wrote it. "The zebra's stripes are lacking hues, So they don't compare to you-know-whose."Orange, black and white is what to wear! It's haute couture for those who dare! It's camouflage, and stylish, too! Yes, tigers look the best, it's true!" This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious, isn't it?

Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. I'm supposed to write about an adventure I had! I haven't had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didn't even get on the the highway.

Oh, no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvin's organs are in danger of collapsing! He... he's about to implode! We've got to get out of here! There's too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We can't eat at fast food places all the time.

Where are you going tonight? Why can't Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? We're going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves, OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! We'd be good! Really! Why won't you let us come? Why don't you want us around? Is the movie dirty? What's the problem?! Gosh, a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine?

I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."

Tigers don't worry about much, do they? Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. I'm not having enough fun right now. You're not? I'm just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. It's Sunday. I've just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime, I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I don't want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say, "I'm having the time of my life right now!" But here I am and I'm NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever, even as we speak! We've got to have MORE fun! C'mon! I didn't realize fun was so much work. Sure! When you're SERIOUS about having fun, it's not much fun at all!

Can you believe this? I've got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am, an engineer? Look, I've got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I can't do this! Here, let me try. No! Get away! I'LL do it! You'd probably goof it all up, or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!

Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....

C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.

I don't want to catch the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here at all. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.

Here comes the bus, Calvin. It's hopeless. There's a bug! You're wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didn't spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. We're supposed to have 50 insects. You'll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!

Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!

So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection, which I got a "D-minus" on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom, and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! I've been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. I'll bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what?

How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dad's job. And it appears to be the ONLY "Dad's job" around here! Left the dishes for Mom again, huh? Tonight's story is called, "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single." Prince WHAT?

I've been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? They'll say, "Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub."What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?

HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this.

My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic

I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z

Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.

Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.

Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.

Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!

True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.

... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.

BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Let's face it, we're aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi, Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. We're doing big important things, and we don't need to mess them up. It doesn't look to ME like you're doing anything important. Well we are, so go away. We've wasted too much time talking to you already. You're just playing in the mud! That's just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right, you little creep! I don't need you! I've got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly, I'll show YOU! Don't bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD, SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh, spring! THat magical time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to love! Shut up.

Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.

Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.

Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!

Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose there's a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.

IT'S JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I don't think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! It's a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!

FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!

OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV.

This vacation sure went quickly. I can't believe it's time to go home so soon. After being out here, it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization, won't it? Man, I can't wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg, huh? Someday I'm going to get my DNA tested and see if he's really my kid. Take my word for it.

Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff. Oh. That's why the rocks there are so red. Don't the people get burned up? No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well, time for bed. I hope someday I'm as smart as Dad is. Why, what did he tell you now?

You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.

There's the stegosaurus out front! There's the National History museum. Hooray! I can't wait to see all the dinosaurs! C'mon. Let's hurry! It's certainly been a while since we've been here, hasn't it? At the museum's request, yes. Oh, that's right. Calvin, no biting people this time, remember? RROWRR

Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed!

Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!

"Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?

Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!

That no-good, rotten Moe! He won't give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it, too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong, but HE stole it from ME, and if I DON'T steal it back, Moe will just keep it, and that's not fair. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.

OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.

Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...

You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. That's why animals are so soft and huggy. ...yeah..

Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.

Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.

It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.

Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes.

Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z

His stabilizers useless, his fuel about to explode, our hero careens out of control over a strange, unexplored planet! Yes, it's just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes, Spaceman Spiff's crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted, our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planet's surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill, our hero realizes the planet's soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly, Spiff runs backward, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! It's time to come in! We know he went this way. We'll find him.

I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one "fact" you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK?

Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. "Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies." Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS!

I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!!

YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.

When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?

What are you doing still in bed?! I've called you three times! You're going to miss the bus! That's the idea. I'm staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don't get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn't good. It's bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.

I hate this time of the year. I've got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I'll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'M through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!

There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.

Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!

I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

The distant planet Z-12. Distant, that is, to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top, Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right, what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose, our hero readies a hydro bomb!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to get some cookies!

All right, what did you guys do NOW? You'd better hide, Calvin! Your Mom's on the warpath! CALVIN? She's coming! Quick, get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um, can I get back to you on this, Mom? NO.

Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. I'm thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! IT'S AFTER ME! IT'S GOT ME! I CAN FEEL IT'S TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Let's go back to bed, honey. You had a nightmare. Oh, it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. It's so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?

QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph, while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones ...

I'd planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around. One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. Get to work, Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.

The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to, the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joe's lives were defined by integers. Obviously, they were part of a "numbers" racket! Back in the office, I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called "Mr. Billion". Answer: 1,000,000,000. Case closed! Time's up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get, Calvin? I think the answer's 15.

Bedtime, kiddo. Aw, Mom! Can't I watch the next program? No, you need your sleep. C'mon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK, just 10 minutes! Then I'll go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes, OK? Turn off the TV. Look, I'll just watch a few more commercials, OK? See, here's my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic.

Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.

Hey, no TV until your homework is done. It's getting done. Not with you sitting HERE, it isn't. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After I'm done watching TV, he'll tell ME what the book was about, and I'll tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See, we're doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh, I only like nature documentaries.

OK Hobbes, toss up this deck of cards, and I'll plug the ace of spades! Oh boy, a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good, huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm, on second thought, I'll fold. Hey, what's with this deck?!

Once upon a time, there was a ... Hold it. You know what I'D like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT, OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch.

Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!

What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.

Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!

OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.

With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.

All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!

Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.

I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!

Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.

C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now, be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Thags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!

I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. I've been standing out here in deep left field all this time, and not a single ball has come out here! Actually, I suppose that's just as well. I don't know what base to throw to anyway. In fact, I'm not even sure I can throw that far. Hey, what's everyone doing? Are people switching teams, or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well, I'm sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different.

Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.

This time I'm really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.

I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it "effective time management", or "ETM" for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.

Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!

I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!

"Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it? You mean guns? No. Any violence at all? Um... not really. Any references to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Of course not! What makes you think I'll like this?

Hey Mom, want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda, I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin, I don't... But that's not all! At the same time, I'll also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.

Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.

Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!

Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.

My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.

OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!

It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.

I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.

Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.

There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.

No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...

What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!

Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back

Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?

You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!

It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!

Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.

This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for, sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. It's 10:32. Thank you. At this time we'll have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers.

Look, Susie, I'll give you your doll AND I'll give you a quarter, OK? It's all I have. Will you let Hobbes out NOW?? All right, here. And next time, leave my stuff alone. Got it? Right! Sure! Jerk. What kind of tiger ARE you?! You didn't even maul her! What were you DOING there?! Wouldn't YOU like to know!

Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!

OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!

Don't try to copy my answers this time, Calvin, or I'll tell. Ha! Who needs YOUR answers? I'll bet I get a better score than you do. YOU?! That'll be the day! I'll bet you 25 cents I get a higher grade. You're on. You might as well give me the quarter now and save yourself the humiliation later! Maybe you'd like to increase the wager, Mr Bigmouth. Yeah! Let's double it and make it 35 cents!

Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!

How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!

I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!

How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.

Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!

... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!

I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.

Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.

Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.

This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?

Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!

Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again!

OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.

If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of "instant gratification" is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick.

Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??

The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball, the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyone's a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball, it's a work of art! This snow, for example, is just a little too powdery. It won't sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! It's a lost tradition, I tell you! My snowballs aren't assembly line productions! They take me longer to make, but each one is a unique masterpiece! That's why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. It's a crass culture, Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer.

He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!

You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!

Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.

Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.

What do you know about love, Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? I'm not telling. WHY NOT? It's a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? I'M sophisticated! Why won't you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you won't tell me what it is! Maybe when you're older. When I'm OLDER?! Why can't you tell me now?! Some things you wouldn't understand. Ha! I bet you don't know ANYthing about love! THAT's why you won't tell me!! If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look, just give me a hint, OK? One hint, c'mon! OK, here! "Snoogy-woogy wips". EWW See? I told you you weren't old enough.

WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who, me? Who, ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who, me???

When are we going to get there? Can't you drive any faster?? I don't like to go much faster than this. Can I drive, then? I'll bet I could go REAL fast! Hmm... well, OK, sure. I'll pull over. Don't worry about a thing, Dad! Which pedal is the clutch? The left one. Then brake, then gas. Here we go! Hang on! Ooh, this IS faster! Blow the horn! Make everyone get out of our way! Wheeee! We're airborne! We should've done this sooner! We'll get there in no time now! I wonder how fast we're going. Can't say. We broke the speedometer. This is the only way to travel. We're passing that jet! Way to go, Calvin! I LIKE driving! ..SIGHHH.. How much longer NOW? I told you we'll get there when we get there.

Time for bed, Calvin. You can put my body to bed, but my spirit's going to stay right here, so why bother? Why shouldn't I just stay up? Because the body is the home of the spirit, and if you're not in bed in two minutes, your spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Home sweet home.

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Look what I made, Hobbes. What is it? What IS it? Why, it's a huge bird foot. I'm going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two-ton chickadee walked by. I guess time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. He's just jealous because I accomplish so much more than he does.

No one ELSE at office talks about this kind of thing.

I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments, while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. You're in REAL trouble NOW, young man!!

Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.

I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE don't ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold, uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant, your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me I'm adopted.

An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans don't HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WE'RE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great, how come they don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs, or nuclear... um... reactors, or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy, talk about agility! Hmph.

Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! What's gone wrong? He's a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes don't even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And what's this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvin's hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesn't even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They aren't the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee, it was getting pretty goot at the end.

BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse me.

Well, look at you! Don't you look nice and neat! Yes, I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which, I'd better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

Good morning, Mom. You're up and dressed? I didn't even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. And with the extra time, I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. I'm bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Don't get up. I'll fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes?

I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear?

Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!

You're the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. That's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course, now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually, now that my good side is no longer a physical being, I find him that much easier to ignore.

You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.

Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didn't cook it enough the FIRST time, so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE side's BURNED and other OTHER's hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.

You know, before there was television, kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change, huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about?

Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??

You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You can't give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? I"m dictator-for-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If you're so important, how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!

Hobbes, it's Susie! She's right under us! It's the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth, pass me the bag of rotten apples we've been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! you're back in! You're back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. IT'S YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie, don't move, OK? Stay exactly where you are.

You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time for this nonsense! I'm a busy guy! I've got things to do! The LAST think I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant! I'm glad you found time for this edifying conversation. Yeah well, I'm going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start.

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait!

Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.

No, Mom! Don't put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen, just because YOU never take one...

Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. He's sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesn't WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! He's an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on, Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queen's bidding! If you won't help US around the house, why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!

FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldn't do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothing's happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIME'S UP! That proves it! There's no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??

Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.

I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.

The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!

As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?

Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...

Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?

The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.

I'M HO-OME! Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Sighhh... and good times are always over so fast.

Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.

Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.

Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.

I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!